Friday, January 29, 2010

Review: Wishmaster 4: The Prophecy Fulfilled (2002)

This was a joint review by me and Ronnie, otherwise known on here as TheGoddamned Batman. It's about Wishmaster 4: The Prophecy Fulfilled, and we hope this review will dissuade you from ever renting this pile of dung like we did. I guess we had it coming, though. Ronnie's review is in Courier and mine is in the regular font.

Director: Chris Angel
Starring: Tara Spencer-Naim, Michael Trucco, Jason Thompson

When you go to rent a movie like this you enter the affair with an idea of what you’re getting. A direct to d.v.d pile of garbage that was to cheap for the big screen and to shameful for t.v.

People...horror movies are not always supposed to be serious and morbid. Sometimes, they can be funny. Sometimes they can be silly and over the top, and that's part of the fun - they're not quite comedies, but they're close enough to where they're good for a bunch of laughs, even if it is just for how bad they are. But then there are some movies like Wishmaster 4.

This is the kind of movie that makes me want to kill the people who made it. I mean, why? Just why? That's what I want to know. Why are there four Wishmaster movies? Who thought it was a good idea to make a movie where the Wishmaster, a demon from the fiery pits of Hell, falls in love? The entire idea is ludicrous! They play it off like some lost Shakespherian tragedy, without any kind of kitsch or self-parody to it at all, and I guess that was part of the joke (nobody seemed to be taking this movie too seriously, after all). But they missed the punchline, so the result is just a mess of embarrassing crap.

Words fail to describe the phenomenal pile of waste that is Wishmaster IV. The actors are bad and the plot is worse. Shitty “special” affects that are presented more like special ed affects and dialogue that sounds like it was written by a five year old are standard fair in this film flop. The story of an evil genie who murders folks with twisted wishes could have been something worth watching if it had been handled well. It was not handled well. 

Characters are introduced at random, without any kind of real development, and there are two over-long sex scenes that were apparently just put in to pad the movie. What is this, a porno? Imagine if someone walks in when these scenes are on. "Hey, mom!" "Hey, son...what are you watching? Is that a sex movie?" "No, it's Wishmaster 4."

I think that's actually more embarrassing, to tell you the truth.

I mean, it's just so insipid. They don't even name the characters in the first five minutes of pornography without actual nudity, so what's the purpose? The entire thing is shot like a fucking music video! Are we supposed to be...enchanted by this?

So the movie fast forwards three years, to what I think should have been the real beginning of the film, as it actually introduces a plot! Is it a good plot? Not really. Apparently the boyfriend from the porno-tapes before this plotline started crashed his motorcycle and is now crippled. His girlfriend, and the main protagonist of the movie, is trying to settle with the people who want to sue them for something or other, and the boyfriend is jealous because she spends so much time with her lawyer. So what, she's trying her damndest to do everything she can to help him, and all he can do is whine about how he can't have sex? What an asshole! He spends most of the movie bitching, whining, making scowling faces at the camera and going to strip clubs.

Say, wasn't there a murderous genie from hell in this movie? I'm starting to think I rented the wrong movie, because all of this drama and ballyhooing is really busting my chops. Get on with it, movie; just get on with it!

There is a plot somewhere in here about how the Wishmaster needs three wishes from the lead girl because she unleashed him from his little red Jawbreaker thing, or something like that, and how that will somehow evoke Armageddon. Why is it happening now, and not in one of the other three films? Convenience of contrived writing; that's why.

The only redeeming features of the movie come when the Wishmaster grants random peoples' wishes and fucks them up royally. You know, kind of like how the first two did it. Remember those, guys? This doesn't happen near as often in this movie, and it suffers. I do think the lead girl has a nice rack, too, but even then, that's not worth the price of admission to see this.

The absolute nadir of quality has to be when these spirit-demon-guys who want to cause Armageddon unleash this really ridiculous looking Matrix-rip-off samurai reject who carries around a sword so cheap that you couldn't even sell it for half price at Party City. This guy fights the Wishmaster in broad daylight, and good god is it ever fucking boring. Broad daylight; are you high? How is this intimidating or exciting in the least? Oh, yeah, I really want to watch two idiots roleplaying for a rejected Lord of the Rings scene with some of the worst exposition ever laid down! That's my idea of a good time any day.

The genie looks like a Power Rangers villain and the sword fights are laughable. The odds are that you will laugh rather than scream, or maybe you’ll cry over the buck you spent renting this pile of platypus poopoo. Who was to blame for this atrocity? None other than the director of other award winning films such as…. Such as… wait a minute, this film is directed by Chris Angel?! The magician?!!! Suddenly it all becomes clear. Avoid this film and anything else that has to do with Mr. Angel and his directing career. God help us if he decides to do A Rob Zombie and starts directing remakes of classic horror films. Imagine if he tackled “Child’s Play”, oh the pain! I don’t want to keep going on about how unbelievably bad this film is so I'll just sum it all up with a quote from the Wishmaster himself: “ Be careful what you wish for."

This movie is just lame. The story is convoluted and ridiculous, most of the characters aren't that great, the acting is shoddy at best and the whole thing is just embarrassing to watch. If I had one wish, I'd wish that Wishmaster 4 was erased from my memory, because it is just stupid, stupid, stupid. I want my goddamn money back, and I didn't even pay for this thing!