Monday, January 25, 2010

Reflections on a Troubled Time: The Gingerdead Man Review (Undertaken by Three of Us)

It was a strange, dark road we were traveling down, with no end in sight. Colin was at the wheel, his hands jittering madly from some strange ailment...mostly he was just frightened at the prospect of the movie we were about to witness. Ronnie cackled away, his brain likely moving at a hundred miles a minute in sheer ecstasy. I was recording the whole ordeal in my mind. Blockbuster loomed like some shining beacon in the distance, glowing with such a hellish light. The film lay in our possession.

Was this...our fate? The GingerDEAD man? Such a horrible pun should be punishable by death.

We wandered around the FEC towers in the dark after buying some sugary snacks and drinks at Carmelo's. The dark was closing in. We tried two computers at first, neither of which seemed agreeable with the wretched piece of celluloid. Most of the snacks were long finished by the time we decided to pile back in the car and drive all the way to Lewis to watch it in my room. The movie was simply unwatchable so far. We told Joe of our whereabouts in case we did not return. He would spread the word to the masses.

We were ready to enter the tomb. Brace yourselves, dear readers, for you, too, are about to be in a world of hurt.

This film is deprived of anything resembling logic. Just the very idea of it is insane. Who ever wanted to see something like this? Have you ever in your life said to yourself, "hey, I want to watch a movie with a retarded gingerbread man sock puppet murdering people"? I don't think you have.

But apparently some idiot at FullMoon Productions did, so here we are. Gary Busey stars in this cinematic ass-fisting, and I have to say that this is strange...for I have never seen such a worthless, depraved acting performance in all my years. He is insipidly bad. It hurts to watch this performance, even though it only lasts five minutes. Christ. This is terrible. There is really no reason to make fun of this movie, even - it does itself in. Every bit of this is self pitying drivel that anger would be wasted on. So let us commence the review:

No character development can be found here. There is no structure to the story; characters just appear at random, shocking the viewer with how random their appearances are. The acting is atrocious, showing just how low the budget was for this movie, as well as how far a pair of tits can get a female actress in this world. You would think a movie about a killer gingerbread man would be somehow campy and fun, but this is not. Why? Because none of the kills are shown, and there are only like two of them throughout the whole movie. Most of the film is filled with boring dialogue between the bad-acting lead girl and the bad-acting and incredibly ridiculous looking lead guy. Because of course, that is what I wanted out of a movie titled The Gingerdead Man.

We walked out of the film disheartened for the sad state of our country. Was this what we had been reduced to? None of us was coherent. We were disoriented, trying to piece together what we had just seen. The lingering question remained: Who was worse? FullMoon, for releasing this film, or us, for watching it?