Sunday, January 3, 2010

Review: Grace (2009)

Director (or, who to blame): Paul Solet
Starring: Jordan Ladd, Stephen Park, Gabrielle Rose, Serge Houde, Samantha Ferris

This movie is about as scary as a horse's ass. I mean it; I have never hated a movie this much just based on the back cover summary alone, and that was before I actually saw this vomited up pile of piss. How low can the horror genre go? Look right here for your answer, folks, a horror movie that spends most of its duration wallowing in pseudo-spiritual hippie feminist crap and family banter that you'd more likely find on some horrible sitcom on TV. Good fucking god.

Most of this movie is like watching some terrible kind of medical TV show. No, movie, showing us scenes of the mother bathing her baby and having it get a rash does not qualify as build up. In no fucked up parallel universe does showing us flies going up the baby's nose equate to anything even remotely frightening or tense. Why do we need to watch the ludicrously boring first twenty five minutes, which are filled with nothing but vapid character writing and flimsy acting? It sure made me hate every single character in the movie more, but otherwise I don't see the point. And it just keeps going. This is excruciatingly bad.

There is nothing good about this, no meaning to the story, no deep horror or tension buried within it. I keep trying to summarize what is so bad about it, but telling you what it did right would be a shorter answer - one word, at that. I mean, really? A movie about a mother trying to nurture a blood drinking baby? How is this in any way frightening? The mother character is never interesting or likable, not showing even one morsel of rational human logic or anything that would indicate we should care what happens to her. The story plods along in the dullest, most hacked up way you could ever imagine. The whole thing is done with this overly crooked, sentimental bent that I despise. Pretentious, unpleasant, condescending to the viewer's intelligence. Intelligent horror? Fuck you, this is the worst. I'd rather have teeth pulled than watch this again.