The Lazarus Effect (2015)

The Lazarus Effect is yet another movie about how bad science is, in the mode of Splice, Godsend and several others. It's kind of weird that so many of these movies seem to want to talk about the dangers of science like it isn't constantly creating miracles for us every fucking day, instead thinking it's something evil and sinister.

I wonder if they think we should all just drop the stuff and go back to worshiping Jesus in the dark by candlelight and thinking the Earth is flat and magic is real because someone invented something. Would that be better, Blumhouse Productions?? I dunno. But I think it's real easy for movies like this to miss the point of The Exorcist, is all I'm saying.

Director: David Gelb

Starring: Olivia Wilde, Mark Duplass

IMDb

Co-written with Colin/The Observer.

This really is a pretty dumb, silly movie on all accounts – but there is one really, really good moment that comes out of nowhere and is then never seen again. We'll get to that in time.

The film begins with a bunch of scientists trying to reanimate a dead pig, I guess – what a weird opening scene! If the first line in your movie is “this pig smells like shit,” then I think you need to go back and rewrite your script, buddy.

Then we see that a new intern chick is filming the two lead scientists, Frank, played by Mark Duplass, and Zoe, played by Olivia Wilde. They're both joking around and act more like college students than actual pros. I guess you have to find humor somehow, but they seem awfully cavalier for a group of people trying to reanimate the dead!

This is the fun science lab where they break all of God's laws! Also, bad idea to show the type of camera set-up the entire movie had in your first scene.

Oh, and their other scientist assistant guys include one guy who's basically a stereotypical stoner character. Who thought that was a good idea? Did you try harder to assemble a Scooby Doo-like cast of misfits than a scientific research team? I love the scene of these two just sitting around playing a board game in a scientific research lab – what is this, the pre-school daycare section of the lab? Are they waiting for their moms to pick them up?

The idea behind their project, though, is to reanimate the dead and “give everyone the second chance they deserve.” Which is awesome, because Fidel Castro just died. I'm sure that's why they're really doing this.

So they test their project on this dog, and it actually works – the dog comes back to life. They seem pretty casual about that, honestly – they barely bat an eye when it happens. Uh, guys, pretty sure it's worth more than popping open a bottle of champagne! You just fucking brought a living creature back from the dead. But you're treating it like you just passed an exam in school. Kind of a disproportionate reaction there.

"Meh, I got the new iPhone the other day, this isn't that great."

They take the dog home, which seems like a brilliant idea to me. It predictably starts doing weird shit like walking on the bed in an odd, possessed manner... I'm sure this is normal for the dog. The next day they all get into a rousing conversation about if dogs have memories and if it can remember its former life – well, of course it has memories. Based on that bed scene, I think it has memories of watching Paranormal Activity too many times.

They also get in a conversation about the afterlife, with Frank saying when you die you see a light because the brain floods the pineal gland with DMT, so that's why people think they've had some religious experience. Zoe disagrees and says she thinks the soul has a “waiting place” that it goes to after death and that's sometimes why it happens. It's kinda silly, but I only bring this up because it will matter later on... 

It turns out the school they're working in has mostly Christian students, so the dean of the school forces them to stop doing it, because... I guess it would offend their delicate sensibilities? Huh. I guess that whole safe spaces on college campuses thing WAS onto something. I love that they apparently didn't have any idea what these scientists were doing on their own fucking campus. “You can do whatever ungodly abomination of science you want, but if we find out about it, our Christian sensibilities will shut you down. We're oddly reactive in that way!”

"Oh ho ho, I'm a hoity-toity upper class official standing in the way of your progress! I forgot my monocle and twirling-mustache at home! My only role is to be a one-dimensional obstacle that never shows up again!"

I also love Frank's argument as to why they should be allowed to do the experiment. He says it's because many other scientific accomplishments started as accidents – going on to list Penicillin and Coca Cola as examples. Yup, what you're doing is just like those! Penicillin, Coca Cola and the Necronomicon are all on the same page!

So then a bunch of cliché guys in suits acting like dicks come in and take literally fucking everything in the lab. They don't take the dog though! You know... the one thing that's proof that the experiment worked. You'd think that would've been their first priority, but I guess they just liked all the shiny lab beakers and toys more.

"Oh ho ho, I'm ANOTHER hoity-toity upper-class official standing in the way of your progress! Bet you didn't think a movie would have TWO of us, did you??? Hit you with one and you thought it was done, but I was right around the corner! Muwahahaha...."

Then the main characters are all whinging about how they can't go on and they lost all their data... you still have the fucking dog! Did you forget about that??? You know, the abomination of nature that you brought back from the dead? Remember?!

They even go back to the lab, frantically in the middle of the night, to recreate their experiment so they have proof, still never remembering the dog even exists. I guess the script has Alzheimer's and forgot about its own plot. Either that, or this was a cheap-ass way to have Zoe killed off so they could revive her. She really is pretty clumsy though! What a doofus.

It's barely even clear what happened. She... got electrocuted? OK then.

For some reason they take off her shirt to try and revive her Pulp Fiction style with a syringe full of whatever it is. Do her boobs have antenna powers that make her body more receptive to revival attempts? Maybe. I also like that they never once think about calling an ambulance for her! Nope, these geniuses have got it down so hard that they let her die and have to resort to basically black magic science to bring her back.

But on the upside... it works pretty easily!

As an added bonus, Zoe always did want to volunteer at her local haunted house attraction for Halloween, so this is good practice.

The others start asking her what it was like to die. But Frank says that isn't important and she needs to rest. Yeah! Pfft. Who needs to know trivial things like that? That shit is for straight-up losers. Frank is right as always!

But things get more somber for the group when they realize Zoe is now using 100% of her brain power, when normal humans only use 10%, even though that statistic isn't really true, in spite of what the movie Lucy wants you to think. But maybe that's a good thing for Zoe now. Maybe she can now use her brain for important things, like remembering the lyrics to even more songs, or knowing really complicated tax evasion schemes. The possibilities are endless!

The one really good moment of this film is when Zoe is talking to Frank about the visions and weird things she's seen when she died and after she came back. She looks really scared and talks about how she's been trapped in Hell for “years” and how she can't get out even now from this eerie 'burning building' world that ties into her past in ways the movie hasn't explained yet. The way Olivia Wilde plays this is quite effective and creepy, and she looks seriously tormented.

But fortunately, the movie realized THAT was a mistake, and quickly return to the awful jump scares and bad horror cliché of every other fucking movie like this. Phew. Glad you dodged the bullet of actually having to put in effort. There's a scene pretty shortly after this where she tries to make out with one of the guys, then when he tells her she needs to calm down, she locks him in a closet and then crumples it to nothing with her mind, killing him instantly. Glad he was in the movie for no reason but to die!

Nice molasses you put in that cabinet, movie...

The end of the movie is taken up by an endless dull chase scene full of shitty jump scares. There are some more scenes of the burning house hallucination that seems to revolve around Zoe. But nothing of substance, really. Mostly just scenes like this where she gets all black-eyed and growls like a demon dog or something. So lame.

Then it's revealed, pointlessly, that Zoe actually started the fire when she was a kid, and a bunch of people died. I don't know what this has to do with anything. Aside from, you know, making the whole movie a Billy Joel song.

Then the ghost-little-girl version of Zoe (I know it makes no sense, but the stupid movie's almost over) turns into what I can only describe as a great metalcore album cover from 2005.

No children were harmed in the making of The Lazarus Effect except in terms of their social standing and artistic integrity.

It's also very funny to me that this movie is all about science and the characters are scientists, yet the plot validates a completely speculative, specific opinion of Zoe's about what the afterlife is (that "holding area for the soul" she mentioned earlier). It's exactly what she thought it was! Why not go further? Have her think the afterlife is a bunch of talking pigs wearing sombreros, and then find out that's really what it is. Go all the way, you dumb movie!

Then she kills all of them and the end of the film is just her starting to revive them all with the evil, bad science, like they did to her. Oh no! But I guess it's got kind of a rosy lining – none of them actually die. They all get to live happily ever after as reanimated zombie demons! Except for that one guy who she crushed in the closet earlier. But who cared about him?

If horror movies were a class in school, The Lazarus Effect would be the kid that just ate glue all day. The characters and story are just bad, with nothing of any interest, and the scares are mostly all jump scare crap and cliché like the whole 'black eyes' trick that has gotten really old at this point. The movie was full of a bunch of plot threads like the shady corporation stealing their research material, which just went nowhere. At around 80 minutes long, that isn't very impressive.

There WAS that one really good moment where Olivia Wilde was talking about being in hell, which interestingly was the opposite of the usual 'show don't tell' paradigm. But otherwise, it sucked.

The whole thing was like Re-Animator, except it took itself way too fucking seriously. Strangely, Re-Animator was the better-written and better-done film though. Which is a pretty sad elegy for The Lazarus Effect, as it loses out on every count to a movie that had a scene of a decapitated head almost giving a kidnapped woman oral pleasure.

This is what's more serious and mature than The Lazarus Effect, for clarity's sake.

Review: The Change-Up (2011) TH

When the frowned on catches some smiles

On a drunken night two polar opposite buds--after saying they want each others' lives--switch bodies but not minds when accidentally swearing an oath in front of a statue while crossing urine streams into its fountain. Mitch (Ryan Reynolds) lives the complete bachelor life with no responsibilities beyond making a paycheck as a part time actor, and Dave (Jason Bateman) has his hands full as a lawyer with three kids and a wife. The fountain is moved and in the meantime they have to live one anothers' lives till it can be found. Easy said, easy done. Yeah, right.

The premise sounds awfully familiar, though this is a movie that skips out on the cleverness and goes more towards the profane by playing on taboos and shock value for a share of the way. Some of the jokes feel like they are too in your face to the point of stepping over their punch and the replay value is somewhat diminished in that they can only be looked at head-on and from a point-blank angle. Though one thing you can count on is it literally doesn't let up with what it shows or says, with kids included, which makes the experience extremely over-the-top in a titillating, one-off kind of way. Babies are more misused than females born in China, and then adults don't hold back in what they say with yougins in presence, cursing and urination included. That unabashed outlook is gonna cause a share of gasping and head-shakes, not to mention I-can't-believe-they-did-that laughter all at the same time. It's a movie that you gotta forget all social stigmas and just let loose to the ludicrousness, otherwise this is gonna be a tough watch and not recommended. The main culprit is the Mitch role, and then the raunchiness is continued when that persona has to be maintained when Bateman switches to Reynolds. He tries to keep up with the bachelor's extracurricular activities, including meeting his sex-crazed partners and showing up to the set of his "acting" job, which turns out to be something a little more risque than the reserved dad and businessman agreed to.

The whole ride isn't a roller coaster of do-whatever-it-wants as it eventually turns into a safer formula that takes a lighter stroll for the latter portion where there is room for character learning and growth and things are more content. The original Dave character wants to make partner in the law firm he's worked so hard to get to, but at the same time doesn't have time for his wife. Jamie (Leslie Mann) has some funny and also serious scenes from uncertainty setting in with her "new" husband but that's not to say there weren't issues beforehand. The original Mitch character is always running away from finishing anything that he starts and uses the opportunity to hopefully rectify himself if that's even possible. Olivia Wilde shows with interest on both fronts as Sabrina: a pretty face that works in the law firm. Dave wanted her before the switch, and Mitch being Dave, being his sneaky perverted self, says they should go out and she turns out to be much different than the conservative lady she appears in the office.

"The Change-Up" plays on the absurd while others around them play it straight and act confused. Reynolds and Bateman definitely have their moments but don't always transition their reverse rolls back and forth smoothly as it feels like they can't always shake their stage names. This plays out the fantasy of how it would be if you did things differently in your earlier years and shows that it might not be too late to do so from a changed perspective. Yeah, the message was delivered a little fluffy and easily but, then again, this is simple entertainment that uses taboos to get its audience loosened up from the day-to-day of rules and what we're supposed to do. The movie rides a fine line between potentially getting someone on the complete defensive, or on the other side letting loose and going with the insane flow. It can be nice to see them--not yourself, mind you--break the rules for basic escapism even if that diversion wasn't without its over-daring snags that make it more closer to a minor comedy than an instant classic.

Director: David Dobkin (Shanghai Knights, Wedding Crashers, Fred Claus)
Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Jason Bateman, Leslie Mann, Olivia Wilde, Alan Arkin
Website: IMDB

Review: Cowboys & Aliens (2011) TH

Truth in the title

A memory impaired man (Daniel Craig) awakes with a strange metal shackle on his wrist and a wound on his side. After showcasing hidden skills like a 19th century Jason Bourne on some rough and tough dudes, he heads to the nearest town of Absolution only to find more hassles. He deals with a spoiled, troublemaker named Percy Dolarhyde (Paul Dano), who's father is a not-to-be-messed-with head honcho of sorts. Percy lands in jail and soon enough the man with no memory ends up in the cell next door, as he turns out to be the infamous Jake Lonergan who has a rap sheet longer than the Oregon Trail. When Woodrow Dolarhyde (Harrison Ford) gets word of his incarcerated son, he storms the streets with his cowboys. Right before a tense showdown, the alien part of the equation shows to make things go boom and people disappear. Jake's bracelet suddenly turns into Mega Man status and he blasts one of the ships down with an energy beam. The creature that operated the vessel flees and they round up a posse to track it back to where their kidnapped loved ones are.

"Cowboys & Aliens" is more about the journey to the final showdown involving various characters that it never fully scratches below the introductory surface on, which at times makes them more plot devices than natural. Along tags a bartender who's more business than brawn; a mysterious woman who eyes Jake; a practical preacher who knows how to pray and shoot; a young boy who's not yet a man; a loyal Indian who looks at his boss as a father figure; and the former colonel Dolarhyde who's got a thing or two to teach the youngins about battle. Now, where westerns in the past had everybody out for their ruthless selves, this uses the enslaving extraterrestrials as a means to get along for the greater good of humanity, including fierce outlaws and warrior Indians who are in the same dire straits. In the meantime, no one ever claimed the abominable aliens didn't have punctuality as they make a few well-timed appearances to the point of predictably just before a human vs human conflict is about to get all gun crazy. Though like throwing a rock at a tank, these basic, booze-drinkin', boot-wearin' westerners look to be completely overrun and overwhelmed. That is until they have to get sneaky and use strength in numbers to put a stop to the aliens, which at this point are so one-dimensional the movie plays out like an easily sold good vs evil template with nothing left over to put in the bank to accumulate interest.

This is more the former than the latter of the title. The western portion on its own isn't groundbreaking to the genre, and the sci-fi side isn't inventive enough to blow the lid off a long time fan, even if the combination is definitely original. Other aspects to fall back on like the pacing can feel like it revs the engine, then levels at a lower gear. This wouldn't be such an issue but it's not that contemplative of a film to hit the locker room in between for a break, and as a result creates a building list of questions from the viewer that never end up answered about certain plays. It's a film that treads more on mystery when it comes to its antagonists, by at first seeing a shadow, a claw and then a quick full frontal, as well as it only gives little snippets of information for the viewer. Problem is, it doesn't create that intriguing enough of creatures to pull the enigma off--no communication, no interaction with each other, very few distinguishing elements with behavior or appearance--or even go further into why they're on Earth other than laying out a questionable reason at face-value.

Daniel Craig played a simple but commanding presence, as he said little but when it came time for action delivered with full force as if he meant it, and then some. It causes you to focus in on him to not miss his next move, despite getting knocked about with a lesser blow or two. Clancy Brown plays a memorable role as a tough holy man that adds humor to the situations, but Chris Browning includes cartoon flavor with his crusty chompers and oafish demeanor. Paul Dano, as much as he tried and has the most range, his performance felt misplaced as if he's a tortured man rather than just a fearful kid with no perspective from growing up safe and spoiled. Harrison Ford's character is built up and built up, with other people making not only a legend of him but a power not to be reckoned with, though by the time it comes for him to show his stuff, he falls somewhat short on punch. It's a shame that some of his gruff lines come off as unflattering imitations rather than truly compelling. On an entertainment level, you get massive explosions, O.K. Corral-thumping gun fights, built up thrills, mystery, situational humor, potential love, tragedy, resolution and you get to see two separate genres at the same time. It sounds like a lot, but it didn't always come one after the other or always in a smooth, edge-of-your-seat transition together. The mentioned certainly made this enjoyable and an interesting concept to see but unfortunately it wasn't capable of thoroughly traveling beyond expectations for such a cool premise.

Director: John Favreau (Made, Iron Man 1 & 2)
Starring: Daniel Craig, Harrison Ford, Keith Carradine, Sam Rockwell, Paul Dano, Olivia Wilde, Noah Ringer, Clancy Brown
Website: IMDB

Review: The Next Three Days (2010) TH

Whatever it takes

When something unfair or wrong happens to us or someone we know, people attempt to rectify a situation in their own specific ways. Some would rather play by the rules, others have it in them to bend the rules, and there are those few that would actually break the rules if it meant protecting what matters most. That's what separates and defines our motivational factors as human beings living in an uncertain world where not everything is securely in our grasp.

The Brennan family gets a rude awakening when the wife gets arrested and the book slammed shut for cold blooded murder. Did she do it? Well, the community college teacher of a husband stands by to protect her despite the evidence being stacked. He's not a lawyer and he doesn't have friends in high places, but this everyday man does have enough determination to create a scheme to see his wife out one way or another. Enough to break a rule or even ten getting there.

"The Next Three Days" steadily paces as a drama/thriller. Russell Crowe's character goes through a number of emotional stages and encounters various people along the way, including those who are willing to help him, stop him or just plain got caught in the middle. There are some motivations glossed over as to how he got from point A to B, partly to give a continuous stream of action towards the latter portion to keep a viewer in the moment and from guessing the outcome. Those attempting to hamper his plan are unrealistically suspicious and coincidentally one step on top or behind to amp up the energy. It creates an escalating climax, but still feels manipulated to go a certain way by falling too much into the hands of the filmmakers to make this more marketable.

At the heart of it, the story manages to give something empowering back to those who've ever had an injustice against them, from getting robbed, laid off, cheated or, here, a loved one getting taken away and no chance of getting them back unless, that is, something's done about it.

Director: Paul Haggis (Crash, In the Valley of Elah)
Starring: Russell Crowe, Elizabeth Banks, Liam Neeson, Olivia Wilde
Website: IMDB