Review: The City of Lost Children (1995)

Director: Marc Caro, Jean-Pierre Juenet

Starring: Ron Perlman, Judith Vittet, Daniel Emilfork

Website: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0112682/

The City of Lost Children was nothing less than a total acid trip from beginning to end. Starting off with a surprising and shocking scene involving multiple Santa Clauses, the film establishes right away that it will not be a ‘normal’ venture…I mean, look at this first scene. It’s just…eh, let me show you:

After that mind-fuck of epic proportions, the movie evolves into a rollicking, colorful sci-fi adventure with a ton of creativity albeit the very, very little sense being made. I think the fact that this was in French created more confusion, as I probably missed a few things in translation, even with the subtitles. But that's not to say this isn't good. There are a few moments in the first half hour or so, like right after that Santa scene, where you get all these weird little clone-guys screaming simultaneously…and it’s pretty much unbearable. But the movie improves, and throughout the film even the most non-French speaking individuals will be able to follow the story pretty well.

The story, about a mad scientist who kidnaps children to steal their dreams and make him eternally young, is told with vibrancy and energy, and it becomes a lot of fun even when you don't know what's going on. The directing, with all its strange, alien colors and architecture, is just splendid. It’s really like nothing you’ve ever seen before, as it looks like some sort of steampunk world, if it was crossed with a 1930s gangster environment. Like there’s this one scene in a bar that just overflows with scenery that looks like a hybrid between Once Upon a Time in America and The Fifth Element. That’s just so weird I can hardly take it. But it works. It really, really works.

The characters are all really good, too. I surprisingly found myself really drawn into them – in fact, I’d say they were the main reason I kept watching the film. The lead is oddly named One, played by Ron Perlman, who is a simpleminded circus strongman who is pretty much the kindest soul you’ll ever meet. You don’t get a whole lot of backstory about him (or any of the characters, really), but it’s implied that he’s a protector of the weak and helpless. He protects his younger brother, who has been kidnapped by the mad scientists, and he protects young, tough-as-nails orphan Miette (Judith Vittet) for most of the movie, too, calling her his little sister. Miette doesn’t show a lot of outward emotion but feels for One in his simple, emotional quest to save his loved one, and helps out accordingly, breaking away from her friends in the orphanage and the oppressive (and really odd) pair of conjoined twins that domineer over them all. These two characters are just really enjoyable to watch, and the simple emotional arc they are a part of is sweet, involving and captivating. They’re helping each other. That’s as pure and simple as it gets.

There’s also Krank, who is the leader of the Cyclops, the group of strange mad scientist/soldier types who was apparently a little child who was aged prematurely by the ‘original’…who has been shrouded in mystery. He wants to steal the childrens’ dreams to become young and stop himself from decaying completely. He talks to this odd brain thing in a test tube that seems to know everything, and eventually leads them to the ‘original,’ who lives in a submarine under the sea. But not a pineapple under the sea. That would be going too far even for this movie.

These Cyclops guys are grown up children who weren’t given a chance to have a real childhood, because, well…they’re clones of some freak scientist who now lives in a submarine. To gain back their childhood, they have to take it away from other children, so really, nobody wins. The Cyclops are victims, too. They’ve been created against their will – they didn’t have any part of it. There is a tragic undertone to all of this, if you can believe that after seeing some of the images this movie throws at you. But that's really part of the movie's genius. I did end up buying the 

Add into this whole thing a plotline about the conjoined twins trying to kill One and Miette to get back some gold they apparently stole, and this becomes a right jam-packed epic. There’s always something going on on screen, and the film never becomes boring. This works because the atmosphere is dreamlike and surreal, and it runs deep to the movie’s core. This is an authentic work of art that is quirky, silly, morose and pensive all at once. If you like movies that entertain on a bit of a higher echelon, The City of Lost Children will deliver fully. I want to watch this again someday and I think I'll notice new things and perhaps gain a new understanding of it. This is just one of those movies that really caught my attention, and that's why I'm sharing it with you all.

None of these images are mine and I take no credit for any of them.

Review: Bear (2010)

Director: John Rebel

Starring: Brendan Michael Coughlin, Patrick Scott Lewis

Website: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1468703/

“This one has balls!”

-A Very Stupid Girl

This is a special Valentine's Day review. Enjoy!

You have to give this movie credit for not misleading the viewers. It is titled Bear, and there are bears in it. Real bears! Yup. That’s pretty much the only thing this ass pile of a movie has going for it. At all. Looking at the Wikipedia page, I can see that there were four producers for this film. Four producers! And not one of them had the slightest notion that they were contributing to career suicide. Or rather, a career gang-bang followed by ritualistic execution at the hands of a group of trained samurai from the Feudal Japanese era.

I mean GOD this was bad! You people have no idea. I would support bombing small countries if there were going to be copies of this movie destroyed. It’s just so appallingly bad on every level imaginable! But as much as I’d like to keep on railing against the badness of this movie, we do have to get to the meat and talk about why. So, sigh, let’s get it over with.

Unfortunately this movie is probably scarier...

The film kicks off with a rollicking, super-exciting opening scene of…a bunch of morons driving around on a desert road while the credits play over the screen so we know who to hunt down and kill afterwards. You don’t know much about these characters yet, but after a few scenes, you’ll be praying to go back to these scenes of them just driving around. It almost looks like a scene out of Dark Country, although saying that is an insult to Dark Country, to be honest. They veer off the road and onto a random desert path because apparently, it’s a shortcut. Sure it is. It’s a shortcut that doesn’t appear to lead anywhere specific, just into some dark woods…how would that be any easier than driving on a straight road, you shitheads?

So after only driving a little bit into the woods, their car breaks down. Brilliant. They then apparently don’t do anything SMART like going and looking for help until nightfall. I know what you’re thinking. A bunch of kids lost in the woods while a force of nature attacks them? How is that different from any other generic horror movie? Well, this one is a million times worse. Get ready, folks.

So they see a bear, and the one guy pulls out his gun and shoots it about ten times at extremely close range, eventually killing it. How did that gun have so many rounds? Why did he have to shoot it instead of just heading for the car horn and blasting that at it? I don’t know, and neither does anyone who worked on this movie. I’m not even sure there was a real script.

Yes, this is a movie without a script. We really are lost in the woods, folks.

But anyway, another bear shows up, and one of the bimbos in the group says that it’s a different bear because “This one has balls!” Why is she looking at the bear’s lower regions again? That’s very disturbing.

It chases them around a bit and eventually they end up getting back into their own van and trying to run it over. It moves, though – crafty bear, it is – and they just run into a tree like total morons, breaking the car even worse. The bear tips it over on its side and traps them inside. It leaves for a while, leaving the group to their own misery – and ours, too, as we are subjected to their horrible attempts at communication. This is the point where I really start to wonder where they found these bungholes, as I’ve seen better acting from middle school plays – from elementary school plays, even! A car goes by, they shout and scream at it, but it just keeps going. I think it must have been the director. Even he couldn’t take this movie anymore, like it’s some kind of out of control Frankenstein’s Monster type of aberration.

So now, we are without a script and without a director, and we still have an hour to go. Why do I have the feeling this isn’t going to end well? Can someone send reinforcements?!

"This movie is doing damage to the reputation of bears everywhere!"

After that, we get some more tender moments where our lead fucktards fight and whine some more about crap that doesn’t matter. Every other line in these scenes seems to be some kind of horrible PSA, with the two women talking about how they shouldn’t do drugs or smoke or drink, and the guys talking about why the older brother is a horrible person because he does a job for the government. They solve nothing, and then they try to leave the car only to get trapped in a long pipe, in which the bear crawls through the other side and tries to get at them. They end up back in the car again – oops, except for one of the girls, who gets murdered finally.

Yay! One down, three to go! We’re almost there, people. That glorious moment when these people are no longer polluting the Earth.

Oh, and I think now’s a good time to point out how hideously UNSCARY it is to watch real bears roaming around? I mean I guess it’s impressive if you’re either completely insane or completely retarded, but once the novelty wears off, what’s the purpose? This movie fails to evoke any kind of scares. I think it’d be scarier if you just had a guy in a fucking bear suit just running around picking these wastes of life off! Which they do for some of the action scenes. I guess the movie’s claim of being ALL REAL BEARS, NO EFFECTS was bullshit after all, big surprise! Isn’t there EVEN ONE GODDAMNED THING this film did right? Just one tiny morsel of quality? I seriously can’t find anything.

"...what?"

So then their next plan is for just one of the guys to make a run for it and try to get help. Yeah. Just one of them. It wouldn’t be smart for ALL of them to start walking out to the open road, would it? That would just be a waste of resources. Who else would then sit in the car and provide skull-numbing dialogue for us all to grow stupider to? The guy goes running through the woods like a maniac when he could just walk along the side of the nice paved road from the beginning of the movie, but I guess he felt this Rambo-wannabe shit was cooler.

Meanwhile our other two dipshits sit around in the car and exchange dialogue about how the little brother got the older brother’s wife pregnant. Yeah. They’re actually introducing this into the movie. What’s next, are they going to tell us that the older brother actually is broke and just lost his house?

Oh, wait. They do tell us that. Goddammit, this movie has more attempts at introducing pointless, sappy-ass drama than a bad Spanish soap opera.

So that first douchebag, the older brother, ends up back at the car somehow, ravaged and quite scared. He says – and brace yourselves for this one – that he saw his parents at the restaurant and then the bear dragged him back through the woods to the car again. Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit, I think everybody has finally lost their minds. How stupid does this movie think we are? It’s just downright insulting that this film expects me to believe that plot point. But wait! It’s not over yet! When they’re all inside the car, the younger brother says “The bear knows us better than we know ourselves right now.”

Yes! The bear is actually plotting against them in a battle of mental warfare! Why didn’t I think of that? That bear is just so cunning and intelligent! This is a true battle of wits here! Real, gripping psychological tension!

So, you’re probably thinking this was the worst of the movie, right? Well, no; they still have several more ways to torture and lobotomize you before the end credits. Strap in, kids, because you’re in for some truly worthless cinema! I mean, if you want an example of the absolute nadir of humanity – the very bottom, and I mean this as truly as I have ever meant anything in my heart – check out the next scene where the three characters are in the car arguing about the older brother’s wife being pregnant. There’s literally nothing redeemable about this scene. It’s so…utterly devoid of worth, in any respect imaginable. The directing and audio suck so you can barely understand them. The acting sucks, so you can’t believe anything they’re saying. And the characters themselves are just such shitty people, such awful, unlikeable assholes by any standards that you just have to marvel at how bad this scene really is.

This movie is a good argument for Darwinian natural selection. Clearly these people were not meant to repopulate the Earth, ever, or to leave the woods. Nature put them here to be picked off by the bear so they couldn’t ever put their seed on the Earth again. With that said, JOIN ME IN ROOTING FOR THE BEAR!

So while the bear mauls his younger brother, the older douche walks his wife away from the car and then engages in a romantic make out session with her that is pretty much the most inappropriate and inconsiderate thing to do at a time when a family member is in mortal danger. I mean seriously, you dickbag, what kind of a brother are you? How can I even be expected to sit here and WATCH this crap any longer? Just end it already!

The effect that watching Bear has on a normal American viewer.

To his credit, the older douche does eventually go back and fight the bear too, resulting in both his and his brother’s deaths. The camera might not show any of the action, instead choosing to focus on the wife’s terrible imitation of grief in a horrible close up, but at least the two assholes are finally dead. The camera pans over their dead bodies and…HOORAY! Victory is ours! You have NO IDEA how happy I was to see these two dirtbags dead finally! Two of the worst characters in cinema history finally put to rest! Now just kill the last girl and this movie won’t be quite as bad as I thought after all!

Wait. What do you mean she apologizes to the bear and it just lets her go? What kind of shitty ending is that? No, seriously; that’s what happens. She just looks at it, says “Sorry” and then Smokey the Dumbass over there decides to be charitable and let her live. Which means she gets to procreate and spread whatever mental deficiencies she and her deceased maggot-ridden boyfriend had to a newborn child! AHHHHH!

So, yeah, the credits are played over some pointless shots of the bear roaming around the car, and I’m left entirely confused what the point of this whole thing was. By god this was a horrible experience. I wouldn’t even wish this on my worst enemies! Well, okay, that’s a lie; I would, but it’s still one of the worst movies ever. It’s hard to describe how much pain this movie inflicted on me. It’s just agonizing from beginning to end, with every single plot point, every line of dialogue and every camera shot scarring me for life. I’ll never be the same. AVOID THIS MOVIE AT ALL COSTS! As for me, I’m off to eliminate every copy of this movie. Wish me luck!

Broken Arrow (1996)

Starring: John Travolta, Christian Slater, Samantha Mathis

Director: John Woo

IMDb: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0115759/

Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Broken_Arrow_(1996_film)

Bet I can get through this whole review without making a Scientology joke...

The movie is about two Air Force pilots, Vic "Deak" Deakins and Riley Hale, played by John Travolta and Christian Slater respectively. On a training mission, Deakins turns on Hale, hijacks the plane, leaving two nuclear weapons in the desert. It turns out that he has secretly agreed to deliver the weapons to a terrorist organization. It is now up to Hale and others to stop him.

The plot of the film itself is decent enough, but the characters quickly drive it into the ground. I am not a big fan of John Travolta's acting, but he is usually pretty good when he plays the villain. This is not one of those occasions. He does not posses the sort of charisma or maniacal tendency that would normally fit this type of character. He just kind of comes off as a dick. For instance, at the beginning of the movie, Deakins and Hale have a (weirdly-shot) boxing match and afterward Deakins explains that he was able to win because Hale doesn't have the guts to really assert himself. This becomes a central theme of the movie even though there is no indication that Hale is in anyway like that. Even Hale doesn't even seem to take him that seriously, though to be fair that may just be Christian Slater's acting, or lack there of.

I am not even sure if Deakins is really that smart either. Officially, his reasons for going all Benedict Arnold on everyone is for the money, but according to Riley, a large part of it has to do with the fact that he has been denied a number of promotions due to his smart-ass behavior. Gee, maybe if he, I don't know, didn't act like a dick to everyone he comes across he wouldn't have to betray his country and risk millions of lives in the process! And he doesn't even come off as being an insanely evil person with a twisted sense of justice; he is just an selfish asshole who is trying to screw people over! On top of all that, he makes tactical mistakes as well: he is certain that he had killed Riley after ejecting him from the plane despite the fact that there was a parachute attached to it and he easily could have survived, which he does. Where is this guy's sense of logic?!!!

The other characters don't fair any better. Riley is bland, as is the park ranger Terry Carmichael (Samantha Mathis) whom he meets (after a really stupid fight sequence) and who helps him in his mission. The terrorist Prichett (Bob Gunton) whom Deakins is working for doesn't really do much, but you know he means business because he moves his hands around a lot. By the way, what kind of activities does his terrorist organization carry out? The answer is...who cares?! They're terrorists! That's all you need to know! There is also Deakins' right hand man, a mole within special forces named Kelly, played by former football player/football commentator Howie Long. Because if you can do a Chevy commerical, you can act in a movie! Oh well, I guess this is better than watching Terry Bradshaw do a nude scene in "Failure to Launch". In other words, the most likable character in this movie is Travolta's, a unlikable villain who spends most of his time being an idiot as well as talking while grinding his teeth a lot. Ughhhh...

Ah come on, my last scene wasn't that bad, was it, Bob?... Bob?

The idiocy continues into the next part of the film. Riley and Terry find one of the bombs and attempt to bury it underground in an abandoned mine in order to dull the impact. Deakins catches up to them and reveals that he set it up so that Riley accidentally sets off the timer. He then, once again, mocks Riley by predicting that he does not have the guts to leave the bomb underground. Ummm...what else is he suppose to do?! If he leaves it underground, he has slim chance of saving himself, Terry, and others from being blown into oblivion. If he doesn't do it, the bomb will go off above the ground, which will guarantee that they will die. Riley may be a lame character, but he is not stupid. He is not doing this to be a hero; it's called making a rational choice between the lesser of two evils in order to survive! Get that into your head, Deakins, you dumb-ass! Well, after a stupid gun fight, the bomb goes off underground which dampens the blow of the impact, though I would think that it should have been much more of a bigger blast than was shown. But then again, this is John Woo: whatever he knows about science is limited to special effects and doesn't really take into account...the actual laws of science.

*SPOILER ALERT*...I guess

The rest of the movie is basically about trying to get the other bomb and a bunch of helicopters getting blown up. It ends with Deakins and Riley getting into a boxing match on a train (yeah, that is as stupid as it sounds), before Riley saves the day by ripping off the end of "True Lies". CUT!

*SPOILERS END HERE*...as if you really cared

This was a stupid movie. The characters are lame, there are too many plot holes, and worst of all, its just really boring. I mean, it wasn't terrible. Occasionally Travolta or one of the other characters have a good scene here and there, but even then they are not good enough for me to remember them, which is kind of the point: there is nothing in this that makes it a memorable film, even by bad movie standards. It was just a dull, sub-par, action movie. The only silver lining in all this is that when Travolta and directer John Woo calibrated the following year, they made "Face/Off," an action movie of far superior quality thanks to better writers and Our Cinematic Lord and Savior, Nicolas Cage. So if you want to see a really entertaining film, go see "Face/Off." This, on the other hand, I do not recommend.

See...told you I could do it.

Review: Mirrors 2 (2010)

Director: A lobotomized ape

Starring: Christy Carlson Romano's Boobs

Website: Do you really care?

This review is Not Safe For Work. Just warning you.

This has been…a test of my mortal strength. In my last review, of the first movie in the hopefully short-lived Mirrors franchise, I said that I would review these movies with a level head, and not get pissed off at them if I could help it. That was easy enough with the first movie, as it was only marginally offensive, but this one is just…ugh, it’s just horrendous! But I made a promise, and I’m going to fucking keep it. I won’t lose my temper at this movie either if it kills me! Folks, let’s dive into Mirrors 2.

First of all, take a look at the cast of this movie. In one corner, you’ve got Nick Stahl, otherwise known as John Connor from Terminator 3. In the other, you’ve got Christy Carlson Romano, who played Kim Possible as well as the sister from Even Stevens. So you’ve got a future apocalyptic resistance leader and a girl who hangs out with a naked mole rat in a horror movie about demonic mirrors. That’s the kind of weirdness we’re dealing with here, people.

And next, well…check out the opening of the film. It starts off with an extremely brief opening sequence in which an overdubbed narrator tells us that he made a mistake. We only see brief flashes, but we can assume that our protagonist, named Max, apparently crashed his car and killed his girlfriend by accident. So, what, is this a big PSA now? We fast forward to a year later, where an annoying night security guard at a department store who is NOT played by Kiefer Sutherland flexing his pecs and making dumb jokes into a mirror, because…you have to have pretty room-temperature intelligence to work this job, I guess. Things go awry, though, when his reflection decides he isn’t funny and forces him to eat glass. A bit harsh, but…on the other hand, does anyone else think this is a more gory version of a Looney Tunes trick? I could totally see Bugs Bunny, if he invoked the Devil or something, doing this to Elmer Fudd.

This is actually making a statement on modern orthodontist work. Look closely and you will see it.

Meanwhile our venerable Max, played by Nick Stahl from Terminator 3, is alive but tormented by grief and guilt. His father, who owns the department store from the first movie, which is now rebuilt in New Orleans, decides that he has the solution to this. What is his answer? “Hey, son! Come work for me as a night security guard! That will cure all of your problems!” Yeah, more like, “Hey, son, come work for me so I can pay you less than I would pay someone not related to me!” Family members always get you on the guilt trips.

He gets shown around the store, which doesn’t really have much to show, and introduced to the various people who are going to work there – among them Christy Romano from Kim Possible, playing a businesswoman or something; I don’t know, her character is only in the movie because she has boobs and was willing to get naked in a later scene. Meanwhile, his father continues to look like a metrosexual Jeff Bridges. The world is a weird place…but let’s just try and get this finished before I go catatonic.

Later that night we see Christy Romano doing what most hot horror movie girls like to do best, taking a shower. She looks at herself in the mirror and then takes off her clothes and gives us several full shots of her breasts, ass and pretty much the rest of her body in full. Not that I mind seeing it, but…can you think of a more pointless reason for a character to be in a film? Ever? “Ms. Romano, you’ve been selected to be in this film to appear for about 5 minutes, take your clothes off and then die.” ACTING ROLE OF THE CENTURY!

This exhibit is known in some circles as softcore porn, but in others as the only reason why Mirrors 2 was made.

While that’s going on, Max sees a vision of her in a mirror pulling off her own head. In the bathroom again, the cameraman makes sure to shoot as much of her more tender areas as he can as she trips on the floor, falls through the glass shower pane, breaks it, and then ends up on the floor as it decapitates her quite bloodily. And then Louis will get blamed for it.

"LOUIS!!!!"

Then Max goes to see his doctor the next day to talk about the visions he’s been seeing in the mirrors. His doctor tells him that the visions he saw are probably representations of his girlfriend who died in that car crash, and that – get this – it means he’s getting over it finally. Uh, no, I’m pretty sure people who see things that aren’t really there need MORE help, and are not anywhere close to actually getting over their trauma. How backwards is this doctor? Did she get her license Hunter Thompson style from some weirdo on the street? I seriously can’t fathom this. I mean, it’s completely backwards logic – seeing people decapitating themselves in mirrors means you’re on the way to recovery? This is stupid! Who wrote this? Who…okay, okay, simmering down now.

So next he finds out about Romano’s death and is freaked out about it. These two dumbass detectives are on the case. And then the next thing he knows, Max sees a reflection of one of the other guys from the building with his guts ripped out, and since it’s just so suspenseful as to what is about to happen next, we see the same guy in his apartment when his mirror starts torturing him. He gets killed too late for Max to arrive or for the police to save him, but the two detectives do interrogate Max for several minutes with no edits and no interesting dialogue to make it bearable. This movie is REALLY pushing my limits, let me tell you!

Woah, dude. This movie like, totally sucks.

After that Max is roaming the department store at night again, shouting at the mirrors like Sutherland did in the first film, but not shooting at them with a gun like Sutherland did. I’ll let you decide if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. The ghost in the store for SOME REASON decides to use a beam of moonlight to show him a missing persons’ poster outside that we can assume is the ghost herself. Max finds her sister outside somehow the next day and starts off his conversation by telling her that her sister is in the mirrors. As expected, she thinks he’s crazier than all the mental patients in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest combined. Really, what did he expect, just telling her that her sister is actually in some mirrors at a department store? Acceptance with open arms?

Whatever he expected, it turns out that the girl, named Elizabeth, is pretty open minded after all, because after a few shitty transitions and rejected amateur photographs of the director’s neighborhood that I guess are supposed to signify that they’ve been walking for a while, she believes him wholeheartedly! Yup, he just tells her his life story and for SOME REASON (which I suspect to be a huge lapse of sanity and/or a huge drug binge on the writers’ parts), she just believes him all the sudden. And then we enter into what I like to call “How NOT to have conversations between characters in a cinematic production.” Max says something, Elizabeth responds, then stoic, stony silence. Rinse, repeat and then blow your brains out. It’s like the editor just died before he could get to these scenes; they literally just stand there with this really awkward silence for seconds at a time where there SHOULD be dialogue! Did they just forget their lines? GET BETTER ACTORS.

Then they go to see that guy from the beginning who was forced to eat the glass, who survived and now looks like the bastard child of Freddy Krueger and the Thing from the Fantastic Four. Oh, and his voice sounds like Gollum on helium. I’m just going to go ahead and skip this scene. They spend way too long here trying to pad out the movie like a bunch of ass monkeys, so I’m just going to tell you in one sentence what they take at least 5 wasteful minutes to do: He tells them that this one other guy from the department store is the one behind the whole thing, erasing security tapes and the whole nine yards. THERE. WASN’T THAT EASY?

It’s revealed that apparently the whole time, Christy Romano and that other douche drugged her water at some bar as some form of initiation (…to working at a department store? Huh?) and then she was date raped and strangled by the third guy who they just found out was setting things up. Wow. What a letdown. You go through this whole movie, full of decapitations and disemboweling, expecting something big, and what do you get? A fucking cop-out story about a rape and murder covered up by people who have shit to lose, just like The Grudge and Stir of Echoes and every other god damn movie ever made about ghosts. Why don’t you just kill yourself, movie? Why don’t you just go ahead and do it?

So yeah, then in a true rip-off of Stir of Echoes and probably a billion other ghost stories, they go digging in the store and find the sister’s body in some secret compartment or whatever; fuck it, I don’t know. Just end this goddamn movie already. But no, we still have a long, drawn out and retarded action scene involving the guy kidnapping Elizabeth but seeing her sister’s reflection in the mirrors when he tries to hold her hostage. They struggle a bit, throw some punches, push each other around and then the guy gets shoved into a mirror like those Mario levels where you jump through a painting to get there.

This movie would have been better to include things like this, I think.

So…wait. Let’s recap that. This whole movie has been about this one dead girl getting her revenge on the people whose fault it was. Okay. I got that. And it turns out she did kill all of the people who did it to her. Good for her; she should get a medal. But I ask you this, readers. Where in this equation is there ANY ROOM AT ALL for Nick Stahl’s character? What point was there in even HAVING him in this movie? He didn’t do anything. He didn’t save anyone. Why the hell was he here? It makes no sense! No sense at all! This movie has driven me MAD I tell you!

This movie is the bottom of the barrel, people. There’s nothing redeemable about this at all. It’s just a complete void of wretched, rancid crap. It’s got no substance, no scares, the acting is shit, the directing is shit…it’s just SHIT. And I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Hey, didn’t he say he wouldn’t get angry at this movie?” Yes. Yes I did, but you know what? I don’t have to prove anything to anyone. I am in control of my life, and I certainly am not about to let shitty-ass movies like this one rule my emotions. Fuck this movie! Fuck it to its core.

None of these images are mine. I take no credit for any of them.

Wizard of Oz (1925)

For a variety of reasons, this review relied heavily on my memory as well as sources I found online. Therefore, some (mostly, if not all, minor) details regarding the plot of the film may not be entirely accurate. But then again, you probably are not going to see this anyway, so it should not matter that much; I just thought you all should be aware of this in case you do. By the way, this is another "summery" review (though I have once agin skimmed over certain parts to reduce the length), so there will be spoilers. That being said, let's get right into:

Starring: Larry Semon, Oliver Hardy, Dorothy Dawn

Director: Larry Semon

IMDb: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0016544/

Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wizard_of_Oz_(1925_film)

Ok, in case you can't tell by the information listed above, this isn't "The Wizard of Oz". We all know and love the 1939 Judy Garland version, but most people are probably unaware that there were earlier adaptations of L. Frank Baun's classic book. So I was surprised to come across this 1925 silent film (produced by Baun's son) that depicts the story. Having viewed it, I can say that...well...let's just say that it is a little different...

The story starts off with a little girl asking her grandfather, a toy-maker played by director Larry Semon, to read to her "The Wizard of Oz". It then shows the Land of Oz, where some guy named Prime Minister Kruel (Josef Swickard) is in charge. And guess what, he's evil! Wouldn't have know that from a guy with that name! Though to be fair it's a little difficult to take someone that seriously as a dictator when he looks like Mozart:

I would like to make an "Amdeus" reference right now, but I haven't seen the movie yet, so I guess I will have to pass.

Anyway, he has his minions, including his right-hand man Ambassador Wikked (Otto Lederer) and the Wizard himself (Charles Murray), who looks like a mixture between a proper English gentleman and a Muppet:

"MEEPMEEPMEEPMEEPMEEPMEEPMEEP!!!"

The people of Oz, as represented by Prince Kynd (Bryant Washburn), are not very happy with their leader and they demand the return of their princess. Not really sure why the Prince can't just rally up the people and take over by himself, but believe me there are far more obnoxious plot holes than this to get riled up about. On a side note, there is one scene where a woman is dancing and one person mentions that (I'm paraphrasing a little here) "she is a lot of applesauce!". Really, because I thought she looked more like a cranberry kind of girl.

We then skip to a scene that is a little more familiar: Dorothy (Dorothy Dawn) living with her aunt (Mary Carr) and uncle (Frank Alexander) in Kansas. However, it soon starts to show some differences from the 1939 version. First of all, Uncle Henry is an asshole. The first scene he is in, he goes over to his wife, destroys the flowers Dorothy had just given her, and then yells at Dorothy for doing it. Ummm...why? I don't think it's a really a big deal, Henry, just take a chill pill. But no, he proceeds to get angry at the other farmers.

First, he goes over to Snowball, a black man, who is seen eating from the watermelon patch.........................yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, this is not like today where the most people can get away with in terms of racial insensitivity in a mainstream movie is any annoying alien named Jar Jar and two equally annoying Transformers robots. Back then, people didn't worry about that; they were just explicitly racist! Isn't that wonderful! Oh, by the way, the actor who plays him is Spencer Bell, but in the film he is credited as G. Howe Black. I am dead serious! Anyway, as Uncle Henry continues to have a hissy fit, we come across our other main characters, one played by Semon (I kind of surprised he wasn't the one to change his name), and another played by Oliver Hardy before he gained fame as the bigger half of the famous "Laurel and Hardy" duo. They both love Dorothy, and they proceed to fight over her. And by fight over her, I mean Semon runs away from Hardy (I forgot their character's names, if they were given any) and the other people on the farm for about 10 minutes, using slapstick and bad special effects that looks like what would be featured in a "Home Alone" rip-off today.

Soon there after, Wikked and his minions come over by plane, because I guess Oz can be reached through the use of a 1920s airplane (I will get back to this point later). They demand possession of a letter from Dorothy's past. It turns out that Dorothy was found on the doorstep of her aunt and uncle's house with a note that stated that when the girl turned 18, she should read a note meant specifically for her. Wikked threatens to kill Dorothy by tying her up from a silo, sending everyone around to look for the letter. When it is found, a fight breaks out between Seron and Hardy, which of course means more slapstick! At one point, Sermon falls from the top of the silo, lands on the ground head first, and yet is completely unharmed. So why is everyone so concerned about Dorothy falling off? Did women's bones break easier than men's in this era?

Eventually a tornado forms, forcing everyone to seek shelter in a shed, except Aunt Em, who disappears and is never seen or mentioned in the film again. Sucks. Meanwhile, Snowball (gee, maybe that name is supposed to be ironic...or maybe it's because he's Irish) walks outside for some reason where he is hit by lighting bolts repeatedly and they bounce off his head. You know, because black people are so stupid and thick headed! Hahaha, oh racism...This eventually leads to the most visually striking and yet bizarre part of the film. The lighting comes down, pushes Snowball up in the air where he continues to run across the sky with the lighting on his trail until he eventually ends up in the house which is still flying away. This would be the point where I would accuse the filmmakers of using LSD, except LSD hasn't even been invented at the time this was made. So what's their excuse?!

Anyway, the house goes over a ledge and crashes. As you can imagine, no one is hurt. And where do they end up, you may ask? Russia. Ok, fine its Oz, but the way the palaces are set up it looks a lot like Moscow. Well, one thing is for sure, I don't think they are in Kanas anymore...no, I'm not quoting the Judy Garland version, because I am not 100% sure that they left Kansas; they really didn't travel that far! If they did leave the state (yeah, when I think of Kansas, I think of ledges) they certainly didn't go far enough to leave the country, so even the Russia thing isn't an excuse! Oz is supposed to be a magical place in the realm of imagination, not some random kingdom located in Middle America! WHAT THE HELL?!

Well, after that tiny plot hole, Dorothy reads her letter, which declares that she is a princess and rightfully heir to the throne of Oz (even though this would be considered illegal under Article I, Section 9 of the U.S. Constitution which states...ok fine, I'll drop it) and her uncle is taken along and given a title as the Prince of Whales (because he is fat; that's right, we are making fun of fat people now). The others, however, are placed under arrest (ummm...why?...and why doesn't Dorothy help them?), and the Wizard is ordered to turn them into monkeys. However, unknown to the rest of the kingdom, he is not an actual wizard, so he cooperates with the would-be prisoners, warning that if they don't do something "We're all in Dutch!" (????????). Seron and Hardy then try to disguise themselves as a Scarecrow and a Tin Man. Ha, Oliver Hardy as the Tin Man, that's kind of a joke isn't it? But wait, it's that time again...SLAPSTICK! After a few minutes of that, they are arrested, and while Hardy is let loose because he accuses his workers of kidnapping, Semon and Snowball are thrown in a dungeon. While they are there, they are confronted by prisoners and lions. Semon tries to trick them by disguising Snowball as a lion. Semon is a first afraid of the real lions, but then decides that he is safe because these lions only like "dark meat". Wow, that was both corny and racist at the same time, good job.

Eventually, they escape, with Semon breaking into the palace and Snowball getting out a different way, doing a bunch of summersaults in the air (not quite as strange as it sounds, but still...). Uncle gets trapped down in the dungeon, because of the door in the floor being opened. Well, that along with bad editing and since he just kind of randomly decided to fall backwards for no reason at all. Kruel is defeated in a sword fight by Kynd with the help of Semon, and after Kruel admits to being the one who hid Dorothy (oh right, almost forgot about her didn't you?) as a baby, he and his forces are arrested. Wait, I just realized something. If she was such a threat to his rule why wouldn't her just kill her as an infant? Or...no, I'm done, let's just rap this up. Seron then discovers that Dorothy is in love with Kynd, meaning all his wooing was for not. Sucks to be you (though Sermon and Dawn were married in real life, so I guess he was just poking fun at himself).

Anyway, it appears he is not the only one upset, because Hardy and a bunch of soldiers once again are going after him. That's right, got to fit one last bit of slapstick in there before you go, don't you? Snowball launches a plane and Semon grabs onto the ladder attached to it to escape. However, the latter breaks, he falls from the sky, and............…it all the sudden comes away from the story again, with the doll of the Scarecrow falling down. The toy-maker had fallen asleep, but the noise wakes him up, he tells his granddaughter to go to bed. He then opens up the story one last time to say that Dorothy and Kynd lived happily ever after.

Really....that's how you are going to end it?! "Oh, the rejected Sermon falls to his death (maybe), every other character kind of just fades away, but that's ok, because Dorothy and Kynd, both of whom we spent very little time discussing, especially in the last third of the movie, lived happily ever after!" SEE?! EVERTHING WORKED OUT! Wikipedia says that there is some stuff that is implied which would make for a more climatic ending, but that would assume that the film is in someway cleaver, and I am not yet willing to accept that!

This movie is...weird. That's kind of a strange thing to say about a story originally about munchkins, witches, talking scarecrows and lions, and men made of tin. But if they were going to go in a different direction from the book, this was not the right way. The characters are one dimensional, the paper-thin plot is filled with endless and unfunny slapstick, and bunch of the stuff that they include makes no sense. Did I mention it is racist?

Ok, to be fair, all of my observations are taken from a modern-day perspective, so much of what I made fun of here is a victim of being outdated, which includes both technically and creative aspects. I don't think that this film was supposed to be taken that seriously even when it first came out; it was just a dumb little movie about dumb people doing dumb things. That being said, it does show its age and there are other kinds of films, both from the silent era and today, that are more enjoyable to watch for your viewing pleasure. So, if you want to check it out for curiosity's sake, go ahead. As a source of pure entertainment, however, I do not recommend it.

Review: Mirrors (2008)

Over the last 6 or 7 months, I’ve done a lot of these reviews. You know, the kind where I point out why these bad movies are bad, ignoring the fact that I could probably be doing a million better things. So for this one, I’m not going to get angry at the film. It’s not worth my time or energy. I’m going to review this film, but I’m definitely not going to let out my rage on it. It’s unhealthy, and would only lead to more anger at other things in my life. In fact, if I get angry at all at this film, you have every right to call me out on it and strip me of my right to review anything else, because God knows the gimmick’s getting old. Real old. So. With that said, what is the movie I’m looking at today, anyway?

Director: Alexandre Aja

Starring: Kiefer Sutherland, Paula Patton

Website: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0790686/

Oh, snap.

Well, this is Mirrors, everybody. This movie was directed by Alexandre Aja, who once directed such brutal, gory films as High Tension, but has of late become associated with slop like P2 and this movie, which I have to admit is noticeably worse. I mean, how sad is that? To go from such a violent, intense and even downright horrific film to a half-assed, dime-a-dozen supernatural thriller like this one is just pathetic beyond belief. But it’s real, and unfortunately we’re going to take a look at it today.

The movie begins with a guy running away from the producers of the movie, I assume, screaming for them not to kill him. I guess he must have tried to leave without their permission. Geez, film productions are getting really hardcore these days! Anyway, something funny happens with the mirror he runs into that causes the guy to slit his own throat with a broken piece of the mirror. They should have gotten better insurance on those things.

Then we’re introduced to our one-dimensional caricature of a main character, played unconvincingly by Kiefer Sutherland. Who could probably be doing way better things with his time, like making more 24 episodes. Apparently he’s playing an ex-cop with alcohol issues who got kicked out of his own house by his wife. Give a round of applause for the guy with the most pathetic life, guys! And now he’s working as a night security guard at a burnt down department store? Check off another on the List of Ways to Tell Your Life Sucks.

The mirror don't lie.

So he gets walked through the whole place with this old guy telling him everything that the producers couldn’t fit on the back of the DVD box. Department store burnt down, tons of people died, everyone’s 20% off coupons are no longer valid there, yadda yadda yadda. Skip it. Sutherland stops by his wife’s place and they get into a fight, followed by a spontaneous make out session up against the closed door. Yeah. Because when you come to visit your wife who kicked you out of the house because you drank too much and possibly beat and/or abused her in some way, she ALWAYS makes out with you like it’s a crappy late-night sitcom.

Also, check out the acting range on Sutherland! He goes from a boring, standard Clint Eastwood impersonation that is common for main characters in these movies (without any of the charisma Eastwood had) to a dull shouting attempt at sounding ANGRY!!! Did I put enough exclamation points on there to emphasize all the ANGER he puts into his mindless screaming? No, seriously; those are his only two emotions throughout the entire film. I’m dead serious.

So Sutherland starts to patrol the, uh, vacated department store, and he sees some pretty freaky shit. Why are there dead, burning people in the mirrors but not there in real life? Why did Sutherland suddenly freak out and feel like he was covered in fire? Well, any normal, logical solution would suggest that he’s probably doing crack on the side, too. It makes sense with his character anyway. But we have a shoddily made and poorly written supernatural horror movie plot to shit out here! So instead it’s suggested that – get this – there’s something in the mirrors that is making people kill themselves when they look into them! He even finds that guy’s ID from the beginning of the movie conveniently lying on the floor where he’s patrolling.

"Hmm...if I look closely enough at this mirror, I can see my credibility vanishing quicker and quicker..."

This leads to some GREAT DETECTIVE WORK as he bravely marches into his wife’s workplace (she’s very conveniently a practicing doctor at a big hospital) and demands that she let him see the dead body of the guy from the movie’s intro, with the added threat of making her watch him try to act some more if she doesn’t. Fearing this horrible fate, she quickly opens up the freezer and lets Sutherland see the body, which comes to life in the metal reflection and scares him. He spazzes out and doesn’t really find out much new aside from a name, Esseker.

Oh, and would you BELIEVE me if I told you that his wife thinks he’s crazy? No? Okay. I don’t even have to say it then.

Sutherland proceeds to continue working at the broken down old store even though any sane person would have quit somewhere in between the first demented crack-dream and the second one. Meanwhile, he sees more nightmareish hallucinations at his sister’s apartment where he’s staying right now that look kind of like something Tim Burton would come up with when he’s pissed off at the world. When his sister shows some concern about his well being, he responds by screaming loudly at her. Because…that’s all he’s got.

LISTEN TO ME!!!

His sister is fleshed out herself, though, as we see that she does, in fact, have boobs. You know, because they just have to show a nude/bathing scene of even the most under-developed characters before they kill them off. Speaking of killing them off, let’s take a spin on the Kill-O-Meter and see what it turns up. Hmm…what random, gruesome way can we kill this character even though not having her die really wouldn’t have much effect on the plot? How about having her rip her own jaw clean out of her face? That’ll do it! What a wonderfully pointless death.

I don't think your makeover is working out too well for you, honey.

I mean, I guess it’s a cool, gruesome horror movie death, but there’s no other death in the movie like it, so it just feels out of place. I am watching the uncut version though…which means that they did it just to get people incentive to buy the uncut version instead of the theater version. Still one of the better parts of the film, I guess. See, I can say nice things about these movies!

After that Sutherland is thrown into depression over his sister’s death, and becomes more convinced than ever that it was the mirrors behind it the whole time. Somehow he also finds out that shooting one of them does nothing, as the mirror kind of regenerates itself and shows no signs of damage. That’s…so stupid I don’t even know where to begin. How can you possibly be serious with that, movie? What, do the mirrors have built in combat reflexes? Are they made for military use? It’s just so ludicrous. But I’m not getting mad. I’m cool. Just downright chilled, friends.

Realizing that they can attack anyone, anywhere, Sutherland goes to his wife’s house and starts painting over all the mirrors. His wife comes home, calls him crazy, and he tries to show her that he’s right by shooting at the mirror with the gun in his pocket. Of course, it doesn’t work, so she just calls him crazy some more and he goes on his way. He finds out some important information about the backstory behind this whole thing – there’s a lot of shit about this twelve year old mental patient who was actually possessed by demons, but given treatment for schizophrenia involving a room full of mirrors. Which somehow made the mirrors possessed? And there was a fire, people died, but the little girl actually did not die, despite her medical record saying she did…it’s a huge mess, and even writing it all out is confusing the fuck out of me. It’s convoluted as hell. How does this add up to mirrors killing your family if you don’t bring them what they want, again? I think I lost track somewhere.

Oh, I forgot. The mental institution, after it burnt down, was turned into the department store that Sutherland currently works at! I do love those department stores that used to be mental institutions…there’s just something charming about them!

So the mother won’t believe any of Sutherland’s crazy rambling until one morning when she sees her son’s reflection not doing the same thing he is actually doing. Then all the sudden, bam! She believes every word of it. They paint over all the mirrors and close the blinds in the whole house, and then Sutherland goes off on a detective hunt to find Esseker, who he eventually finds living as a nun in a church. She’s such a good, pious Christian that she doesn’t help Sutherland at all even though he begs her and tells her his whole family is going to die otherwise.

Wait. Something doesn’t seem quite right there.

Meanwhile Sutherland’s family is running away from their own reflections in the house. Wow. That did sound retarded. I feel less intelligent even writing it.

AHH! Our reflections are TERRIFYING! God; worst horror movie plot since Darkness Falls.

And while THAT’S going on, Sutherland just says, fuck it, and points a gun at Esseker’s head, forcing her to come with him. I hope he plans to come back and do a confessional about this! They go back to the burnt down mental hospital-slash-department store and she tells him what to do. I have to admit that the special effects that follow are pretty good, as they show the mirrors in the building exploding and crumbling down to the floor in a pretty decent display. The family is safe, Sutherland won, and it’s over. Right. RIGHT?

No, we still have a big monster that comes out of nowhere for Sutherland to fight. This part makes me laugh because it’s just so telling of what this movie really is. They spend all this time building up suspense and making the film one of those slow-burners that takes a while to really kick up the scares, but then at the end they just throw in a big, ugly monster, as subtle as a dump truck driving through your window. It’s flat out ridiculous and getting angry at this would be a waste of my time.

So he kills the monster, but then realizes he’s inside the mirror somehow. What? Huh? Why? I don’t know. This movie sucks!

I mean this is just unbelievably lame. It’s lame on levels you didn’t even know existed beforehand. The writing is painful; the story is a mix of stupid, dull and confusing, and Kiefer Sutherland…just, really? Really, this is the performance you’re giving us? I’ve seen cardboard cutouts give less wooden performances! Shame on you for even directing this at all, Mr. Aja! Shame on you!

Okay, okay, sorry. Almost let my anger get the best of me there. But I think I’ve come out mostly unscathed. I might be on the path to a better, more fulfilling review career here. In fact, I think I can handle another movie just like I did here. I bet you anything I can get through another horrible movie without losing my temper at it. So, what’s next on my list, anyway?

Fuck!

None of these pictures are mine. They were all taken by other people and I take no credit for any of them.

Review: Black Swan (2010)

Director: Darren Aronofsky

Starring: Natalie Portman, Mila Kunis

Website: http://www.foxsearchlight.com/blackswan/

"I just want to be perfect."

-Nina

Darren Aronofsky is a puzzling director, but he has gotten better since the rather overwhelming – to the point of being a burden to even watch – Requiem for a Dream. The Fountain was artful, if not a little lacking in substance, but where he really got good was The Wrestler. That was just a great movie. And continuing this brilliance is his new film, Black Swan. Let’s get started, then!

This is a really great movie without any kind of restraint as it hurtles through boundaries like a blazing hellcat. Aronofsky’s directing is spastic and harsh. The lighting is very cold, unsettling in its mass of clinical whites and dark, dank shadows. And so the atmosphere is set.

Black Swan is a film about passion and obsession. Natalie Portman's character is driven by a maniacal lust to become a dancer, and the things she goes through - all this physical and sexual madness - is just insane, and yet she perseveres. She really puts on a masterful, captivating performance and makes you believe that she really is this character, Nina Sayers.

And let’s talk about Nina for a second. She really is a great character, with enough depth and texture to her that you really feel like she’s an actual person. Nina is beautiful but insecure and somewhat childish. She lives with her mother in a small apartment in a crowded city and really, really wants that big role in the ballet production coming up. She thinks that it will define her, like she can’t exist and be happy with her existence without this one, prideful achievement. Her mother is domineering and strict and most likely had something to do with her fragility and insecurity.

This is a movie about a lot of things, among them art, work and all kinds of sexuality. It merges the real life trials of doing demanding work like ballet dancing with shocking, often grotesque psychological horror that is subtle and fleeting and yet horrific at the same time. Nina experiences cuts that appear out of nowhere on her back, arms and hands. There are several jarring, nightmareish scenes throughout the film that accentuate and pepper Nina’s gradual mental decline.

She gets involved with another dancer named Lily (Mila Kunis), who she sees as a threat to her and her role in the performance. Even though she doesn’t have much of a reason to, Nina slowly grows more and more certain that Lily is trying to kill her and take the role for herself. There is the infamous lesbian scene between the two of them. It really drives home the amount of sexual tension there is in this film. The lesbian scene is not even really sexy, or arousing at all. It’s really more creepy and unsettling than anything. Female nudity can only do so much in the face of this film’s dark, crawling sense of fear and shadowy atmospherics. The film does an outstanding job creating paranoia inside the viewer, and the result at the end is a unique blend of sensuality and fear, two opposing forces colliding and interweaving into the movie’s madness. It is one of the film’s strongest points.

One scene that sums up the theme of the movie is when Nina goes to visit a broken ex-dancer in the hospital, because it just points out the viciousness and immediacy of the profession she’s chosen. There are no demons here, no spooks around the corner or ghosts in the belfry – just the cold, hard fact of her job. People come, people go, so you have to get that special part, make your mark on the scene and seize the day while it’s still yours, because tomorrow it could belong to someone else. It’s a dangerous edge to teeter on, and as people are emotionally driven and irrational, they may not be able to deal with it. The mind is fragile, easily breakable, easily given in to pressure.

This fragility and fleetingness is really the core of Black Swan. The climax of the film involves a stunning, breathtakingly good ballet performance from Nina and a subsequent collapse in blood. She works herself to the bone. Death for her art. The utmost devotion to it. Beautiful, haunting, demented and unforgettable, Black Swan is a dark trip from a director on his way up. One of the year’s finest.