REVIEW: Season of the Witch (2011)

“Hey, I just got inspired to make a movie!”

“How did that happen?”

“I went to a Renaissance fair, got drunk off my ass and then vomited it all up outside while a bunch of lecherous hobos watched!”

“…how would that inspire you to create anything?”

“Well…”

Director: Dominic Sena

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Ron Perlman

IMDb

(This review co-written with my friend, Michelle Lewis.)

Yes, Season of the Witch. In honor of this month being the four-year anniversary of this blog, I was contemplating what to do in celebration. To do so, I had to take into account a couple of things – all sorts of very technical elements such as, what would yield the funniest jokes? What would be something that would catch peoples’ eyes?

Then I decided to just be lazy, and throw all of that in the garbage and review the one movie that has both Nicolas Cage AND Ron Perlman at the same time – this one. How much balls do you have to have to put those two guys in a movie together? The universe might as well explode. Oh boy; I just can’t wait to see what kinds of shenanigans this movie has put together to exploit the (perhaps, sometimes unintentional) comedic talents of these two men. Let’s get started.

We start off with this subtitle informing us that the makers of the movie went back to 1235 A.D. to the City of Villach to shoot the first scene. That’s some dedication right there!

Then we get the greatest period of feminism ever – when women got accused of being witches for basically no reason at all and then got hauled into the river by an angry mob. We see exactly how fair this is when you have two normal looking girls pleading for their lives on one end and then this old crone with a glass eye damning everyone to hell.

Now, now, she might not be a witch. Don't discriminate! She just looks, acts, talks and probably smells like one, but still. We live in a PC world, goddammit! RIGHTS FOR THE WITCHES!

Kind of poisoning the well there! I mean, you could make a forty year old balding male accountant look like a witch just by putting him NEXT to that lady! It’s like showing a crime scene lineup full of regular guys except for the one known serial killer who admitted to murdering seven people in cold blood for no reason. Doesn’t exactly do wonders for the public confidence in everyone in the vicinity.

But enough of that. We have some fun crusades with Nic Cage and Ron Perlman to sit through! In case you didn’t know, medieval crusaders in the days of the black plague often made wisecracks about buying each other drinks after the battle ended, showing no fear or regard for the terrible casualties about to ensue. I’d say this is just how guys act, but really it just comes off like both of them are huge jackasses. Or rather, the writers were being huge jackasses, because this is about as historically accurate as The Washingtonians. At least that movie had cannibalistic George Washington imitators. This movie has, what, shitty special effects and costumes borrowed from the retirement home production of The Seventh Seal? Please.

"Hey, do you think this is rock bottom yet?"
"Nah, I was in The Last Winter a few years ago."

So they go through God knows how many battles (quite literally) until this one time when Cage accidentally stabs an innocent woman. This prompts them to question their religion and what they’re fighting for, going off on their super holistic leader guy about how hypocritical it is to kill in God’s name.

Uh, yeah…nice sentiment, guys, but there’s one little problem. Pardon me if I’m stepping on the toes of the battle-weary when I say this, but, WHERE THE FUCK WAS THIS WHEN YOU WERE STABBING AND MURDERING HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE IN THE PREVIOUS BATTLES? So what, you can ram your sword through droves of other guys, but when ONE WOMAN accidentally steps in front of your sword, THAT’S when you suddenly cry bullshit? I’m sorry, that’s just too stupid to let pass.

"Hey, it's okay. I punched a bunch of women in one of my other recent movies! And then I was dressed as a bear for some reason! Ha ha ha...what I'm saying is, don't hold it against me."

I mean, yeah, I get it – they’re starting to become disillusioned with the crusades and whatnot. That’s fine. But the way this movie is handling that very delicate subject matter is just off. We see them fighting battles without protest throughout over three years’ time, and then suddenly they’re against it because one innocent person died? Not that they’re wrong to be upset about that, but it’s just poor writing. Maybe if we had gotten more dialogue and seen them slowly changing their minds, it would have worked – but I guess a 90 minute movie just has no space for petty things like character development, right? Pfft, who needs it?

So Perlman and Cage say they’re leaving. The higher-up general guy threatens to stop them, and I imagine there’s probably some sort of rule in their military about deserting, but the whole army just sits there and watches them go, not bothering to follow them, restrain them or anything. Best army ever? I think it is.

Perlman and Cage go wandering through the world with no clear motive or destination in mind. They eventually come across a city where the black plague has taken effect, rendering everyone into extremely expensive Halloween store makeup. I mean, this stuff must have been at least $30 to buy, and for multiple people? Totally cleared out the director’s rich girlfriend’s parent’s credit card. They get exposition from some random guy about the plague and then end up getting arrested.

So after talking to the world’s oldest haunted house prop...

That's Christopher Lee, so the "oldest haunted house prop" bit isn't entirely farcicial.

...and declaring that they no longer follow the Church, they get thrown in jail for about five seconds before getting charged with the task of hauling some girl to some other town where she’ll apparently be tried for the charge of witchcraft in bringing the plague to the town. Perlman cracks some jokes about how mortified the priest looked when Cage said he didn’t believe in the church – yeah, scenes like this really make me so invested in the drama going on. I bet The Seventh Seal’s dramatic moments would have been way better if the characters were cracking unfunny jokes throughout all of them, right?

So then they start their journey. They need a guide though, and so they of course make the most logical choice – some guy who’s been arrested and put in one of those head-lock things for fraud. Isn’t that what most sensible people would do? I know I would. It’s just like the time I was searching for a navigator for my pirate ship and then decided on a blind guy. Best choice I ever made!

Yup, nobody else they could have chosen...it had to be this guy. Instead of just spending an extra five minutes asking door-to-door, they had to pick the guy locked up for criminal activity - genius.

But this isn’t about me. It’s about the stupidly stupid adventures of Cage, Perlman, two priests with sticks up their asses, generic criminal guy with no personality and helpless girl in a cage. My what a jolly motley crew they make! It’s about as fun as going to a funeral.

We get tons of scenes of them just wandering around in the woods. Sometimes there are attempts made at drama between the characters, but they fall about as flat as the North Dakota plainslands. Mostly this is because the writers clearly just didn’t give a shit – every choice they make comes off as goofy, but you can tell they’re pretty much deadpan serious about all of it. There’s really no sense of fun or self-awareness with these scenes, both of which might have helped the film. Nobody likes a silly movie trying to be serious.

The thing is, most of these scenes just have no purpose. Like really – what relevance does the scene where they meet that altar boy have?

Look at that face. That is the face all young men have when staring down Ron Perlman.

Yeah, so they come across this altar boy with a sword who wants to join their team mostly because the script says so – Lord knows I’d have second thoughts about forming an alliance with Ron Perlman and Nicolas Cage, but I guess back in the days of the plague they didn’t have the Internet to know who these two guys are. We get a drawn out sword fight between Perlman and the kid, which pretty much just leads up to the kid joining their party anyway. I guess the swordfight isn’t too bad or anything, but c’mon, why even bother? Don’t they have a job to do? Why waste time with this?

How about another scene later where they have to push their cart across a rickety old bridge? Cage girl offers her help and says the whole thing would be lighter if they let her out – how? It’s a giant wooden piece of shit! You probably weigh like 90 pounds! They don’t let her out and spend a lot of time nearly getting killed on the bridge. You may be asking why they don’t even attempt to find some other way around. Well, the answer to that is simple – they don’t have time. They do have time for pointless sword fights, but not for trying to find alternatives to plunging to a certain death. Priorities: they’re not just for the sane anymore!

So they get across the bridge finally. We get an overly long scene where the girl escapes from her cage and runs away, only for one of the two priest guys to get killed off in a cave by accidentally running into the altar boy’s sword. He doesn’t seem to see the altar boy at all, instead seeing a woman in front of him instead. Which seems strange enough for Cage to start wearing an expression on his face that’s supposed to be either contemplative or constipated. I can’t really tell.

Let's just compromise and say 'confused.'

In between all of these scenes we get some of them all sitting around at night. They talk about how wrong it is to believe that the girl is a witch and how close-minded the church can be. It’s interesting to hear this kind of dialogue, and it could potentially have some relevance and make the film more substantial. However, all of this will become entirely moot by the film’s ludicrous conclusion. I won’t spoil it yet, but trust me on that.

In the meantime, we get scenes like this, where a bunch of werewolves tear that criminal guy apart in the woods:

And I don’t mean werewolves like the normal sense; no…I mean literal werewolves. Wolves that change into, well, more demonic wolves. Isn’t that kind of weird? Why not just have regular demonic wolves? Is there a point to them changing their already scary wolf-faces into even scarier, deader looking wolf-faces? I dunno. I guess I just don’t have the necessary genius to understand the clearly brilliant mythology of this world. Is it a straight historical crusades story? Is it a supernatural tale of witchcraft? Who knows?! Not even the movie, apparently.

It may seem like I’m just complaining about nothing here. That is because the movie is incredibly fucking boring. It’s about as interesting as watching a monkey pick its nose.

So, sigh, I guess they get to wherever they were going, some church or something. They go in and find a bunch of priests who thought it would be an awesome idea to get the black plague. Guess you didn’t pray hard enough, guys!

Well, to be fair, they didn't catch his good side with this picture.

After some more bullshit exposition, they realize the girl tricked them into coming because she wanted to go to the church all along. Why? Well, because for some reason the church is the only place she has the power to turn into one of the worst special effects you’ll ever see:

Seriously, look at that shit. That was the best you could do? Movies from 30 years ago had better effects than that! It’s hideous looking! Using that kind of CGI is tantamount to just admitting you have nothing worthwhile to contribute creatively. Did the special effects guys just think it would be funny to fuck with the movie? I mean, I get it; Lord knows I’d be bored enough too if I had to sit and watch this crap for that long just to edit in the effects. But the least they could have done was go all the way with it. Why not just put this in the movie and really screw with it?

So they have some big, stupid Hollywood style battle and Nic Cage and Ron Perlman both die. We get a partial ass shot of the now-cured girl and then a phoned-in monologue about how she and the altar boy will remember Cage and Perlman forever.

It’s all just so contrived. Why bother having all that bullshit about doubting the church and the accusations of witchcraft if you were just going to end with a big goofy monster fight at the end? While they potentially had some interesting cultural and religious subtext with the talk about how hypocritical and fear-mongering the church was, ALL OF THAT is ruined when they just throw in the vomited-up spawn of mid-90s dollar-store computer-game Satan at the end. How are we supposed to take this seriously at all with that in the film? It’d be like making a provocative film about the Great Depression only to reveal at the end that, in the movie’s universe, the Great Depression was caused by aliens from outer space.

And hey, you know what was entirely missing from this review? Ron Perlman and Nicolas Cage jokes! What the hell? Shouldn’t a film with both of them together be absolutely loaded with opportunities to make ridiculous jokes and riff on their performances? But no, they’re actually not too bad in this. The one thing that could have saved this movie was totally ridiculous, hammy performances by these two, and the film is so shitty, it couldn’t even grant me that one small pleasure. And I think that’s the final straw. This movie sucks! I for one am glad to be done with this brain sodomy forever. Avoid at all costs!

Eh, fuck it. Just have a beer and celebrate the four-year anniversary of Cinema Freaks! I’ll start you off.

Images copyright of their original owners.

REVIEW: The Last Winter (2006)

Everybody cares about the environment these days. It’s a serious hot-button debate topic, and everyone has an opinion no matter who they are. Unfortunately, that applies to hack movie directors who make movies preaching their opinions like the gospel and which end up as some of the most worthless, inane prattle you will ever see. Folks, this is The Last Winter!

Director: Larry Fessendon

Starring: Ron Perlman in his crusade to star in the most worthless films on the planet

Website: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0454864/

"I could never believe in a God who sanctions oil drilling."

-One Environmental Activist Idiot

Our movie begins with what I can only describe as a National Geographic documentary that wasn’t good enough to get into the real magazine, talking about how the planet is in danger because humans have the gall to want to drill for oil – in other words, total hippie propaganda crap that blows things way out of proportion and makes them seem worse than they really are.

Then we get our actual ‘story’ beginning with that god of actors, Ron Perlman, arriving at an oil drilling base in the arctic and being greeted by a bunch of nobody actors who you won’t ever see in a film again – and after a few more scenes you’ll realize why. They go outside and throw a football around, and then the camera man gets left outside to make his rotation around the entire base:

"Hmm, what can I star in next...? I have offers from directors like M. Night Shyamalan and Tommy Wiseau just stacking up at my mailbox!"

We then see the pinnacle of special effects this movie could buy!

The unsung stars of this picture.

Yes, this is probably the main draw of the movie – ghost caribou. They run past at the speed of light and make a sound that reminds me of the creaking noise in many broken elevators. I guess the story here is that these angry spectral ghost things are pissed off that Perlman and his crew are drilling oil, or some shit like that, and now they’re all seeing these things because of global warming. AHH, GLOBAL WARMING! HUMANS SHOULD FEEL SUPER GUILTY ABOUT THAT! Anyway, all it really does right now is give the guy who sees them a never-ending nosebleed which reoccurs periodically throughout the film. Exciting, huh?

Then we get some boring dialogue about the drilling project they’re doing. Perlman pretty much just scowls and shouts at everyone and the other guys all kind of blend into the background. Did this director ever watch Carpenter’s The Thing? Just saying, he could learn a few things from that movie’s excellent characterization. Here it’s just like ‘hey, we need some extra characters! Call all my mom’s friends’ kids; I’m sure they’d love to be in the movie!’ Putrid.

There is some romantic tension between Perlman and this other chick, who used to sleep together until he left for 5 months, upon which she decided to jump ship and start sleeping with the expedition’s resident hippie environmentalist asshole, who…for some reason just hangs around despite the fact that his agenda is radically opposite to everyone else’s. I guess there might be some obscure explanation stuffed into this movie’s rolls of fat, but hell if I’m going to find it, and it’s not like any of this is that important to the story anyway.

‘Story’…hah. That’s kind of funny actually.

Anyway, there’s a whole lot of moaning about how the government is sanctioning this dig and how there’s some rival dig around who they need to team up with but Perlman says no, and god, it goes on FOREVER. You think the scene from Red State where Michael Parks was giving his sermon was bad? It’s got nothing on THIS. This is excruciatingly boring! How is it even possible to make something this dull? It just keeps going on and on and on and on and on until I just can’t take it anymore!

It looks pretty epic, but really they're just talking about more incredibly dull oil businessman talk! Riveting!

Oh, what’s this? A scene of them going out and actually doing something in the snow? Well surely that ought to be a little more interesting, right? No, actually…it’s just as boring as the rest of the scenes.

But hey, there is a romance scene when Perlman tells the redheaded chick that he’s very disappointed that she found another boyfriend when apparently they never set any real definition to their relationship and he left for 5 months! Guess you should actually establish what kind of a relationship you have before you leave next time, you idiot. And I’m done talking about this scene.

Anyway, at night, we see that one of the guys starts sleepwalking naked with his camera and takes it out into the snow to film something. Yeah, because that would happen in real life, right? Seriously, how is he surviving this? He would freeze to death in an instant if he went out there naked in that kind of weather! And as we see the next day, he actually made it pretty damn far in the snow! But hey I guess facts like that aren’t important when your movie is telling a GRIPPING ENVIRONMENTAL MESSAGE like this one is!

That's what happened to most people who saw this movie anyway.

Perlman decides that they aren’t going to tell anyone what happened, and even when they find a tape with what looks like the first cut of a Fourth Kind sequel or something that the guy was filming before he died…

Hey, it's REC 3: Totally Implausible!

…Perlman just tosses it in the fire and lets it burn, because he can’t have anybody sabotaging his mission! Who cares if someone has died? The oil drilling is the most important thing! “Try to have a little positivity,” he barks at everyone who wants to do the sensible thing and bail and tell the officials what happened. Oil-drillers have no humanity and are completely soulless, evil demons! Do you get what the movie is trying to say yet?!?!

Speaking of the footage that guy took, it’s nothing but more environmentalist preaching crap. “We’re grave-robbers,” the guy says in a hushed, scared tone. “We’re robbing the Earth of its minerals.” Yeah, OK, now why don’t you actually do something interesting or even a little bit scary? Something that isn’t just forced window-dressing for the 30-minute long environmentalist propaganda video the director really wanted to do?

…no? Okay…

And it looks like Mr. Nosebleed finally drowned in his own blood! Glad his character added so much to the movie. Except he didn’t…

Rest in peace Sir Nosebleedium.

So after that, a plane comes to save them but instead crashes into the building and bursts into flames like a Michael Bay movie. I guess the pilot shouldn’t have been drinking all that Jack Daniels before he got in the cockpit.

The unfortunate victims of an awful plane crash...send money to the director to prevent future awful plane crashes!

But hey, don’t be so down everybody. Remember what Perlman says: “We need some positivity here!”

Being that their whole base is destroyed and they might freeze to death overnight now, Mr. Environmentally Friendly suggests that he goes to find a neighboring base which has a plane they can use. Perlman shoots that one down, though, as their equipment is from a different company than his is, so it won’t work. Astounding logic there…so you’d rather do things the hard way rather than go ask for help from some other company. Pride truly does make you stupid, doesn’t it?

They go out in the blistering cold and their sled breaks down almost immediately as they get far enough away from the base for that to be a problem. Perlman still refuses to go to the closer base, because that would just hurt his loyalist pride I guess, but he gives in once Mr. Environmentally Friendly talks to him in a more serious voice. He falls through some ice and almost dies, but the movie would have you believe it’s something he can just walk off without so much as a shiver or two, because again, logic and realism don’t matter when you’re telling an IMPORTANT ENVIRONMENTAL MESSAGE!

Speaking of the environmental message, Mr. Environmentally Friendly himself utters these very intelligent words while he and Perlman are hiding in a tent that night: “I could never believe in a God who sanctions oil drilling.” Wow, movie; you just really want to shove your message down our throats until we GAG, don’t you? No shame at all, huh? I can’t even think of a good comparison for how preachy and ridiculous that is; it’s like a new ultimatum in awful, wretchedly over the top writing. Here’s a tip for you assholes who wrote this movie – being this forward about your message and shoving it down the viewer’s throat doesn’t make them want to support it! In fact it makes them actually hate it!

But I digress, because I am giving this movie more credit than it deserves with this review already. We see the red haired lady hiding in a closet because there are crows walking around in the kitchen of their base. That makes sense, right? No? Okay.

Yay, is it hide in a closet time?

Then we see the true face of evil as the ghost caribou return to feast on their victims! I guess they’re not vegetarians after all.

The last Ron Perlman.

And finally we get our closing scene where the red haired lady wakes up in a hospital and finds it deserted except for the ghost caribou sound effects off screen and the melted polar ice caps outside, because global warming and a lack of finances to film more monster scenes have won the day!

"I didn't really do anything in this movie..."

That’s The Last Winter, and man was it…you know, I can’t even think of a good adjective this time. There was nothing redeemable here. Even when I could tell they were trying to go for atmosphere like later on in the film when Perlman and that other idiot were huddled up in the arctic night, they ruined it shortly after with some stupid dialogue and those awful special effects. The characters were non-entities only used to propel the movie’s poorly written agenda, which was handled with no grace or class at all, just shoved down the viewer’s throat in an incredibly condescending manner. And yes, I do think this is the worst Ron Perlman movie ever. That is a hard feat to achieve.

So what I’m trying to say is, this movie is cinematic cancer. You want to make an asinine movie promoting a preachy green agenda? Fine, well two can play at that: Don’t recycle! Don’t turn off your lights! Let your car’s exhaust flow into the blue sky! Smoke all you want! Throw all pretenses of conservatism to the wind and let the polar ice caps burn!

See? IT’S ANNOYING.

REVIEW: Drive (2011)

Director: Nicolas Refn

Starring: Ryan Gosling, Carey Mulligan, Albert Brooks

Website: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0780504/

Retro is cool these days, and films like Machete, Super 8 and God knows how many Quentin Tarantino films are having loads of fun harkening back to the pulpy, old school action films of the 70s and 80s. But what really takes talent is when a director comes along and delivers a slice of retrograde fun alongside some seriously introspective, in-depth stylistic filmmaking that has more in common with arthouse films. It’s kind of like dressing up Snake Plissken and sending him to a dinner with top-dollar corporate executives who eat caviar – it really shouldn’t work. But the fact is that Drive is a stellar movie with some memorable as hell scenes and some of the best directing and music of 2011.

Ryan Gosling stars as a silent, stoic car repairman who doubles as a driver for criminals and other shady figures. “You get a five minute window,” he says. “Anything happens in those five minutes and I’m yours. Anything outside of that, and I’m out.” The opening scene is him on one of his jobs, set to a riveting soundtrack from Depeche Mode – the music is one of the standouts of the film, as it is sleek and stylish as hell. The opening scene is almost wordless, but captivates with its strong car chase and the stylized directing.

That goes for most of the film really. It’s not full of dialogue, but the dialogue isn’t even the focal point. It’s almost like a background instrument. Drive is composed in an odd, flowing, musical kind of way where no one element takes the foreground. Everything from the visuals to the music to the characters just kind of moves as one, singular unit – a pulsating wave of cinematic power. The film is subtly graceful even when it’s as bloody and violent as Goodfellas or Casino, moving between scenes in a waterfall-like flow.

The basic story of the movie that unfolds is that Gosling’s character meets a young woman named Irene (Carey Mulligan) whose husband is getting released from jail. The husband, Standard (Oscar Isaac), is involved with some guys who are pressuring him for money that he borrowed in jail, and Gosling ends up helping him drive. When the operation goes wrong and Standard is killed, Gosling goes on a spree to kill everyone involved before they can get to the wife and her son. The path it leads him on is destructive and vengeful.

We never really get any insight into Gosling’s character in this film. He’s very quiet, unnaturally so even, and doesn’t tell us anything about himself except that he likes driving. When he talks to the wife, he doesn’t ask her if she wants to hang out or have dinner – he just asks if she wants a drive. But there is a certain precision and coldness to him that speaks of something significantly darker in his actions. It’s impossible to make any judgment on his past or the reasons he is the way he is based on this movie alone, but I like the ambiguity of his character, and Gosling is such a good actor that he conveys the mysteriousness of his character with stunning charisma.

The other character I really enjoyed in this was Albert Brooks as Bernie Rose, who makes one of the best villains of the year. I like that the film focuses almost as much on him as on Gosling himself. He is an incredible actor and really gives a 110% performance in this movie. He’s a classic Scorsese-styled mobster villain distinguished by a carnal, bloodthirsty performance that rivals anything in the actual Scorsese’s canon with some truly vicious conviction. There’s one scene where he stabs one of his cohorts in the jugular several times in the middle of a café front. Not exactly a guy you want to cross.

Ron Perlman is also in the movie and although he’s not given the most prominent role, this is one of the better performances I’ve seen from him in recent years. He actually gives off a fairly menacing vibe, and I probably wouldn’t want to sit next to him on a bus. He’s rather vulgar.

The film’s arc explodes once Standard is gunned down in their failed robbery and Gosling is left to pick up the pieces and make sure Irene and their son are safe. We get a number of really cool hitman scenes where Gosling is just taking these people out – including a very memorable one under a bright moon at the beach…chilling stuff.

So Drive is a great film that I don’t think you should miss. It’s artful and yet also ass-kicking good. This is a mature, sleek and memorable film that will surely make it onto a lot of end-of-year lists, and for good reason.

Images copyright of their original owners.

REVIEW: The Ice Pirates (1984)

Ugh, who even cares...just start the damn thing.

Director: Stewert Raffill

Starring: Robert Urich, Anjelica Huston, Ron Perlman, Mary Crosby, Michael D. Roscoe

Website: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0087451/

"I never thought this would happen!"

-One character about to be turned into a eunuch...

The Ice Pirates, a film that isn’t very well known and for good reason, is the kind of thing that I can only compare to that kid in your class who always tried to tell funny jokes but just never was very good at it. He kept trying, though, and although nobody laughed, one can’t deny that he was indeed persistent. Persistently annoying, persistently grotesque and persistently awkward, but persistent! If that’s all you care about then this movie should serve you quite well.

The film begins with an uninspired text scroll that informs us briefly that the world we’re about to see is one in which water is the highest form of currency. And…that’s really it. Nothing too dramatic, just that. I'm glad this movie is so intent on setting us up the right way. Well, OK then! The film kicks off with a bunch of guys in spacey-looking armor and tights running around on some pretty lame looking sets that come off less like ‘Star Wars parody’ and more like ‘what Star Wars would have been like without all the adventure and wonder sucked out.’

What is that? The contents of the neighborhood junkyard? Jesus Christ, that looks less convincing than Angelina Jolie's performance in Taking Lives.

And check out these awesome special effects for the laser blasts!

Because when you have no cash for special effects, just get your kid to scribble some blue crayon all over your film!

So the guys get this big machine and go through a whole hoohah about trying to open a door to what ends up being a bathroom. We’re greeted with what is perhaps a fitting metaphor for the film, a scrawny, ugly yellow alien sitting on the toilet. And to complete the metaphor, he gets passed over by most of the crew but gets a whack on the head from the last one. This kind of neglect followed by abuse is pretty much standard for the rest of the movie.

Did I mention this movie is another gem that Ron Perlman had a supporting role in? Because it is. I have a feeling he won’t be putting this one on his resume any time soon, but then, it is more dignified than 5ive Girls or Dark Country, so there’s that.

They initiate a big battle with the guards while trying to steal the water, but end up finding a hot chick sleeping in a giant glass case with the bongwater smoke that was inhaled while the writers created this movie. Why is she in the glass case to begin with? You know…there’s probably a reason, but this whole movie is directed so poorly that I have a hard time telling. A lot of the time it’s like that; you can’t even really tell what the hell is going on! It’s not like I’m asking to be spoonfed every little thing on a silver platter, but some clearer direction and action logic would be nice. Most of the time, the movie can’t even be bothered to explain ANYTHING AT ALL. How would you like it if, in my next review, I started off in the middle of the movie and didn’t bother to explain the events I’m mocking in any sequential order? THAT’S ABOUT AS MUCH SENSE AS THIS MAKES. Use transitions and segue ways! It’s not that hard!

Oh, and I can’t possibly go over every single weird thing this film does, but seriously, this about sums it all up:

I think these guys got lost on their way to a Monty Python convention. Oh well, not like they would have won any contests there anyway...they're about as funny as John Cleese's toenail clippings.

So after main character Jason is done kidnapping that princess who was randomly in a glass case for no reason other than plot convenience, they all get captured by the very vague force of law and government in this galaxy, and are sentenced to be castrated and turned into space eunuchs. Uh huh. Space eunuchs. That’s…so bizarre and strange that I don’t even know what to say about it. They’re put naked on a conveyor belt and shaved, and then they’re run through a clamp that cuts off their balls. Well, gee. I knew some feminist groups were hardcore, but this is just unrealistic!

And that's how you de-size a population properly.

After that, we see that the Princess has spared the pirates if they’ll help her with her quest to find her father. Why do they still have to dress up like eunuchs then? Why couldn’t she just take them directly to the ship and start the mission immediately, if they’re going to do it anyway? Because the movie wouldn’t be long enough without padding, and because it’s funny to have rugged space pirates dressed up in pink tights and fluffy wigs. Me, I just think it’s kind of creepy, but then, I have the right number of chromosomes. So I guess I’m not quite the audience this film is aiming at.

They go for funny AAAAAAAAAND mostly just hit 'awkward.'

Ugh, so on their way out, the pirates discover a robot that talks in jive and acts like a pimp:

This is like a really bad South Park joke or something...eugh.

…and a model toy police car with spikes on it that actually drives inside the hallway:

You know what the chief problem with this is? It isn’t funny. The timing just feels off most of the time on the jokes, the characters don’t really have much comedic charm and the jokes are incredibly forced, like trying to fit square pegs into round holes. Not to mention the set-ups are completely convoluted and overly long. You want an example? How about this one part where two characters find a weird bug that definitely is NOT ripping off Alien, which they declare is a ‘space herpe.’ Yes, a space herpe. And yes, this is all just a waste of time set-up for one line about how the ship has herpes now. Wow. An overlong set-up leading to a pointless non sequitur joke that adds nothing to the plot and is in no way humorous or enjoyable. And people wonder why I’m so cynical.

On the ship, they figure out that they need to go to this bar, or something, to find out where they can get a land cruiser to go find this guy who knows where the princess’s father is. But that’s not important. What is important is that this whole thing is a set-up for Jason to make the princess go and flirt with this frog-alien-human-hybrid thing to get the land cruiser, because he knows the frog-thing has one they can use. Only when the princess comes back, she tells him the frog-thing is a woman, and wants Jason to come and sit with her! So…if Jason knew the frog-thing had a land cruiser, how did he not know it was a woman? You know movie, there’s this little thing called logic that I hear is very useful when trying to write a story. Try it sometime!

What is that thing, Rosie O' Donnell on a bad hair day?

The film wastes some more time with an overlong fight sequence between one of the pirates and some guy at the bar…why am I mentioning it in the review if it’s such a waste? Because the film really seems to think it’s something worth watching, so of course I must waste more of your time in turn by talking about it! It just simulates the experience of watching the movie better that way. GET ON WITH IT, MOVIE.

Then the movie falls into some pitfalls of ungodly annoyance when you hear the frog-lady talk in the most horrific croaking voice you can possibly imagine, asking Jason if her blouse is nice (shivers will run down your spine…). It’s annoying. Then, when we actually see the guy they’re trying to find, we get an info dump of crap that I bet you anything the actors didn’t care about. And it’s boring. Boring and annoying, people; those are your choices with this movie.

Anyway, the guy’s (who looks something like a bargain bin Obi Wan Kenobi...charming) story is that he was aged by a time-warp he went through (it happens) while searching for the mysterious ‘seventh world,’ which was lost in time and is a source of unlimited water – gee, I have no idea what this joke could be building up to! A planet filled with water lost in a place where no one knows? The mystery is just astounding. Seriously, COULD THESE JOKES BE ANY MORE OBVIOUS? It’s Planet Earth if you haven’t figured it out! This joke is old before the punchline even hits!

Oh, but I just love when a movie gives me a chance to see a robot wearing a tie and cufflinks getting run over by one of the rejected ideas for Wacky Races in the middle of the desert. That’s just a treat.

No robots or skeleton-faced cars were harmed in the making of this scene.

Back on the ship, the crew has now adopted a host of farm animals on the ship…if you’re surprised, you haven’t been watching the movie long enough for your brain to be melted into a fine, pulpy goo to where you can accept this garbage yet. Don’t worry. It’ll happen soon enough.

They then go to see a man who wears glasses. Yes, glasses, in a sci fi movie. Isn’t that like having a guy wearing a watch in Middle Earth? Just doesn’t add up. Anyway, they talk to him for a while and he’s pretty annoying and terrible, like the worst standup comedian you ever saw in your life. Oh, and his head comes off. Why? Oh, come on; like the movie’s going to start making sense now. And yes, the head-coming-off thing is just a big set up for Ron Perlman to say “he really lost his head.” Again with the lame jokes with overlong set-ups. You could at least try to make this a little funny, if you’re going to continually abuse our senses with your nonsense, movie. Just asking for a little mercy!

So yeah, they’re there because unfunny glasses-man apparently knows where the princess’s father is, but it turns out to be a robot. I really don’t get the point of this scene – she finds out her father is a robot, cries a little, and the scene fades back out. What? Was half of the scene cut out or something? Did they really just like that scene so much they couldn’t get rid of it? What? Give me some answers, movie!

Since this is a parody, we’re treated to a love scene between Jason and the princess, with some machine putting different backgrounds for them to have sex in front of. And I guess I’m supposed to find it funny, but mostly I’m just wondering why they would have that damn machine anyway. Also, why would they even need it when they’re not even looking at the backgrounds anyway? That’s not really the point of having sex, movie. “Honey, why’d you stop?” “I’m just mesmerized by this beautiful fake sunset in the background!” Yeah. Pretty bad, huh?

Then we get the final battle, in which our heroes also go through the aging vortex that got that other guy. It causes time to speed up at alarming rates, and all the characters to grow older. Sorry, but unless that time warp can make the movie end faster, I’m not interested. This scene does have a few clever moments, like Jason and the princess’s baby being born super-quick due to the time speed-up, and I actually do like the final shot where the whole family is together. That was kind of nice.

But the rest of this movie is totally insipid! I mean, Christ, what more can I say? The humor is terrible, the jokes are poorly set up and it’s not at all entertaining. Is this really the kind of thing I’ve come to accept as worthy of reviewing? I feel like I used to have much higher standards…I need a vacation, man. I’m out of here. Blowing this joint. Not comin’ back for a while. So long, suckers!

REVIEW: 5ive Girls (2006)

Director: Warren P. Sonoda

Starring: Ron Perlman, Jennifer Miller

Website: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0494199/

You know, if there was ever a movie that automatically disqualified you from intelligent discussion just by the mere mention of the title alone…this would be it. I mean, what were they thinking? The title basically comes out to say ‘Five-ive Girls.’ What on Earth does that mean? Was it made up by someone who got dropped on his or her head as a kid? If a movie can’t even get basic sentence structure right, then how can I expect it to get anything else right? Fortunately I expected nothing, and that’s what I got.

I mean it; this is scum of the lowest level. I don’t want to think about this. I don’t want to acknowledge it. I don’t want to grace this stupidity, this idiocy, with my time. It’s not worth it. This movie is so bad that I can’t even sum up how bad it is. It just…needs to be witnessed to be believed. And since I wouldn’t suggest actually WATCHING this pile of heinousness, I have prepared this review for your benefit. Isn’t that nice of me? Well, I hope you think so, because MAN was this tripe hard to sit through.

Our three ring circus of a movie starts with a hot blonde in a little schoolgirl’s outfit – can you say fetish fuel? Because this movie can – drawing a picture for a class assignment that I think most 4th graders would find too insultingly simple. Seriously, her assignment is to draw a picture of a Biblical event? Hello, Sunday School! But it’s OK, because her priest is played by Ron Perlman.

No...

There we go!

They exchange some pointless dialogue, and then she gets killed by a mysterious demonic force. Will this be explained in the movie? If you think so, then you’re in for a much more devastating ride in this movie than I was.

Then we cut to five years later, where we see a disgruntled father driving his daughter to the same school, which has only recently been reopened after the event. The girl, named Alex, argues with her father because she doesn’t want to be in this movie – a wise decision – but he gets out and physically forces her to go in, driving off with little more than a cursory goodbye. Great parenting there, guy. Almost Casey Anthony level there. And no, the movie never really explains why she’s so bad that she had to be sent off to a place like this, either. I guess they couldn’t think of a reason.

"I really can't wait to get out of this movie, so get your ass up to that school and subject yourself to demonic possession, young lady!"

So then we see that the school is so prestigious that they lock it up with chains even in the daytime. I guess that’s because nobody would ever want to leave, right?

OK, OK, wishful thinking. But since literally the WHOLE REST OF THE MOVIE takes place inside this damn building, you can’t really blame me. I’m fine with these kinds of closed-room movies when they’re done well, but the problem with this movie is that the setting is just SO DRAB and uninteresting that it becomes completely ineffectual, like they might as well have staged this movie in a blank white room. It’s really that dull of a setting.

Then we see the absolutely wonderful quality of the education here as the headmistress, Miss Pearce, pretty much abuses these girls for no real reason. Like this exchange:

Black Girl: I was just wondering where the phones were. I wanted to call my parents and let them know I arrived safely.

Miss Pearce: Your parents don’t want you. They do not care about you.

Geez! She asked to make a PHONE CALL. A phone call, for Pete’s sake! What are you, a fascist dictator? No, even fascist dictators would say that’s pretty harsh! I mean…sheesh, lady!

"You will BOW DOWN TO ME, for I am the queen of all things on Earth! Muahahaha!"

She makes them strip down to their underwear and gropes them all to “check for drugs,” although really it’s just an excuse for the girl-on-girl action that this movie will use as a crutch throughout the film to make up for the lack of any other substance. She forcefully jams needles into their arms to take blood samples, not bothering to, you know, make sure to get it lined up with their veins properly, or anything. Health? Who needs THAT in a Christian boarding school?

Then Alex says she has a ‘bleeding problem,’ and when Miss Pearce sticks her with the needle, her arm EXPLODES with blood all over the place and knocks some stuff over. This is probably a real disease, but it serves no purpose to the story and is never brought up again, so it’s mostly pointless. Oh, except to show us how horrible of a character Miss Pearce is! Sure makes me want to give her a black eye or two. I love how the first thing she says when it happens is to tell Alex not to curse out loud. And then “Oh, I guess we’ll have to take everyone’s blood all over again”…shut up! God, I can’t think of a worse character I’ve seen in a movie recently. She’s asinine! She’s atrocious! Literally every line she says makes me want to reach through the screen and smack her. She makes Bridget Fonda from Lake Placid look like a pleasant little housewife in comparison. This movie is turning me into a woman beater. SHAME ON YOU 5IVE GIRLS!

Ugh, so then we get to see what the girls all talk about when they’re alone. One girl says she’s a witch! But then later on she doesn’t even know what wiccanism is, despite having a book about the black arts and everything. She says that her interest in the dark arts isn’t something she wants to advertise, but it was established in that first scene that she was already open about it, and she even seemed proud of it. It’s never a good sign when your writers can’t even remember the scenes they wrote for 15 minutes earlier in the film. Did anyone proofread this?

Ha! Yeah right...

Then we find out that all the girls have special powers! One of them can phase through things, one can see into the future, and oh yeah, Alex is telekinetic! Forgot to bring THAT incredibly important plot element up earlier, didn’t you movie? I mean…wouldn’t that be one of the first things you’d like to know about a character? And even beyond that, where’s the logic in these powers anyway? Am I to assume this is just some MAGICAL world where people sometimes have supernatural powers and it’s just an everyday thing? What’s the back story? I’m not asking for this film to create a whole new intricate and detailed universe. I just can’t honestly sit here and swallow this half-cocked nonsense without questioning it. This is a movie that operates solely on the philosophy of ‘the only explanation you need for anything is that magic made it possible.’ And that’s as cheap a cop out as you can get in a movie. If you care about cinema or writing at all, this will piss you off too.

But anyway, the movie plods along doggedly and we see that despite the numerous instances of supernatural occurrences and ghostly happenings, Alex barely even bats an eye at any of it. There’s no tension built here. They act like the ghost stuff is just a small inconvenience, no more lethal than having someone tap you on the shoulder while you’re trying to concentrate.

There’s one scene where Alex is writing on the board and one of the ghosts writes something in Latin for her in big letters. She’s clearly not touching the board and is freaked out, but the laws of horrible filmmaking and lazy writing dictate that she gets in trouble for this. She’s sent out to the hall to transcribe some Latin pages, but gets distracted by a ghost and goes to explore some stuff. When she gets back, the pages have all been written for her again by the ghost! I guess it’s just one of those homework helper ghosts. My favorite kind. But what really gets me is when Miss Pearce says that the Latin, which is super detailed and correct, is probably a prank. Yeah, that must be it…the movie is full of moments like this. I think it literally, actually made me stupider.

Like how about when two of the girls go up to the forbidden third floor and then Alex takes the blame for it when Miss Pearce interrogates them? She makes Alex bend over a desk, lifts up her skirt and spanks her with a ruler. I am dead serious. It’s like something you’d see in a 1920s-era elementary school or something and is totally ridiculous and silly. Then this other chick puts her hand on Alex’s ass and heals the spanking wounds instantly, revealing yet another contrived super-power and also dually giving more fanservice for the crowd. Wow, two birds with one stone! You go, movie.

"Here comes the mighty hammer of Christian justice!"

OK, so when the movie actually DOES try to have some semblance of a plot, we find out that the demon Legion is haunting the school and killed that girl from the opening – why? Because she was religious, and there are no other religious people in the world I guess. Miss Pearce is actually, conveniently, her sister, who is such a pious and good Christian that she wants to conduct an occult ritual, complete with silly pentagrams and blood dripping and everything, to ‘trade’ the five main characters to get her dead sister back. OK, well…whatever then.

Really, I don't see why I should care. It isn't like this magically makes the movie more interesting or anything...and what the hell is that thing? An oil spill survivor? One of the Mud People? WHAT?

Then we get this thing about how wicca-girl is possessed by Legion now because a little CGI worm crawled into her arm one night while she was sleeping. Now she’s got all kinds of cuts and bruises everywhere. During a urine exam (not sure why they’re doing it now as opposed to when they first got there, but OK), hers comes out a very questionable looking shade of murky brown. Yergh. And one night when they’re taking baths, she vomits all over one of the other girls and transfers the possession to her!

Yes, this movie contains female breast-groping, excessive bleeding from possibly un-sterilized needles, and now brown piss and vomiting. Truly a movie to play at your next gentlemen’s club meeting. Hell; just take it to your girlfriend’s for some lighthearted family fun. It’ll be the best movie night you ever had.

So, anyway, the new possessed girl goes and talks to Ron Perlman in a deep voice that sounds completely ridiculous when coming out of her feminine body. If this was going for comedy, maybe I’d buy it, but not in a supposedly serious horror. Then she kills him, making his entire existence in this movie completely pointless. He didn’t even do anything, when you think about it, so why? Miss Pearce could have easily run this whole operation alone. But who am I kidding? Asking for logic now is like eating 3/4s of a Big Mac and then deciding you don’t want the cholesterol.

Goodnight sweet prince. May you star in a hundred more Dark Countries and Hellboy 2's before this kind of slop again...

The blind chick gets it next, while Alex and the other surviving girl run into Miss Pearce. She breaks the healer girl’s hand, which is apparently the only hand she can actually use her power with. Well that’s weird. Who ever heard of a healing power that’s only in one hand? I think this chick got the short end of the stick from the special powers gene pool, or whatever you want to call it.

Then Alex and the healer girl make a circle on the ground that will keep out demonic forces, because derp-dee-doo, magic is just everyday knowledge in this crazy world! Gotta love it! Oh, and they have a lesbian make out scene, because otherwise NOBODY would give a crap about this heinous pile of nothing! And two girls making out is SO HAWT even though there was nothing in the movie before this to indicate that they would do it. But hey, who needs standards? Anything’s fair when you’re appealing to the nerdy Internet-dwelling teenage population!

It's like Harry Potter...the delinquent lesbian white girl version. Isn't that what every Harry Potter fan secretly always wanted?

Yay, lesbians! NOW the movie doesn't suck...right? Right?!

Ugh. Then the other girl gets possessed, and the movie rips off Buffy’s season 3 moment by having the whole “You want this knife? You can have it BACK!” scene done almost word for word. Yeah, real original there. They both get knocked out, and then healer-girl wakes up and tries to heal Alex, but fails. The sister comes back to life, and we find out that her father is really the weird old caretaker guy who had maybe 3 minutes of total screentime in the entire movie. WHAT AN IMPORTANT REVELATION! Then Alex turns into Legion (I guess her transformation was delayed for plot convenience) and kills them all. The end!

I really hope everyone involved with this feels remorseful about it, because this was just horrible! Terrible! There’s really nothing interesting or even slightly dignified about it – it’s purely artless trash from beginning to end. It’s just so completely toothless and robbed of any kind of tension. Then it tries to go for the fanservice thing with the lesbianism, but that doesn’t work either, because it’s just so hard to actually buy it. Everything this movie does it botches up. It’s boring, it’s stupid; it’s all around crap on every level. There’s a reason you saw a billion copies of this sitting on the shelves at Blockbuster with nobody renting them. Keep it that way from now on!