Review: From Paris with Love (2010) TH

Cupid shoots bullets in Paris

James Reese (Jonathan Rhys Meyers), an assistant to the US ambassador in France, is working covertly as an operative in Paris with a secret "voice" or control officer to give orders on the other end of a phone that he never meets. They're starting him out small as they want to see what he's capable of, such as planting a microphone in the conference room of the Foreign Minister to gather intelligence. He eventually wants to become special ops and his next assignment might give him all the experience he'll need after picking up his new partner Charlie Wax (Travolta) at the airport.

Right from the get-go you realize both are nearly polar opposites: Reese is step-by-step and methodical with a studied background in politics and foreign language, and Wax is spontaneous and unpredictable with know-how for combat and weaponry, not to mention a humorous slang for every situation he encounters. He's a man who doesn't turn his back to vices but like Jack Bauer from "24" or William James from "The Hurt Locker," he's able to cast his own feelings aside to get the job done at whatever the cost. Wax, being the loose cannon he is, takes his new partner on a series of misadventures through the city from drug dealers leading to gang members leading to pimps leading to terrorist cells and more spies.

Wax is an American operative who's supposed to be covert but instead tears up the shady areas of Paris to demand the info he needs because their mission is time sensitive. The audience gets to experience all these over-the-top scenes through the eyes of a new man on the job who signed on to something more dangerous than he initially expected to get himself into. Reese maintains an unsure trust with Wax but also tags along with a glued fascination to see what's around the next corner while his pretty and caring French girlfriend Caroline (Kasia Smutniak) stays at home with no idea that they're spilling copious amounts of blood and racking up a substantial body count. She just proposed to him that night with her father's ring, and now he has to make a sacrifice for the woman he loves when she gets wrapped up in the operation.

This is a rapidly moving action film with secrecy and espionage that barely has time to stop and take a breather, so it can be a little spoon fed at points and exaggerated for effect to keep things looking forward and never back. This results in some plotholes glazed over so things can conveniently line up, but, on the other hand, this manages to take serious stuff like protecting national security and turn it into a fun and wild ride more so than a couple of stiffs negotiating official business. There are car and foot chases, shootouts, some quick hand to hand combat and then fast paced music over top to give it all charge. The viewer's perspective is through Reese, so events seem to happen so quickly that it feels like a dream sequence only to be remembered in pieces and snippets, but for the moment a massively diverting one at that. John Travolta plays the character Wax as brazen, brash and belligerent, and is able to keep you guessing about him by making you wonder if he's formulating decisions on the fly or has a game plan already in place--maybe both. "From Paris with Love" is basic entertainment in the end but an experience that feels energizing, steadily paced and ultimately unpredictable.

Director: Pierre Morel (Taken)
Starring: John Travolta, Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Kasia Smutniak
Website: IMDB

Broken Arrow (1996)

Starring: John Travolta, Christian Slater, Samantha Mathis

Director: John Woo

IMDb: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0115759/

Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Broken_Arrow_(1996_film)

Bet I can get through this whole review without making a Scientology joke...

The movie is about two Air Force pilots, Vic "Deak" Deakins and Riley Hale, played by John Travolta and Christian Slater respectively. On a training mission, Deakins turns on Hale, hijacks the plane, leaving two nuclear weapons in the desert. It turns out that he has secretly agreed to deliver the weapons to a terrorist organization. It is now up to Hale and others to stop him.

The plot of the film itself is decent enough, but the characters quickly drive it into the ground. I am not a big fan of John Travolta's acting, but he is usually pretty good when he plays the villain. This is not one of those occasions. He does not posses the sort of charisma or maniacal tendency that would normally fit this type of character. He just kind of comes off as a dick. For instance, at the beginning of the movie, Deakins and Hale have a (weirdly-shot) boxing match and afterward Deakins explains that he was able to win because Hale doesn't have the guts to really assert himself. This becomes a central theme of the movie even though there is no indication that Hale is in anyway like that. Even Hale doesn't even seem to take him that seriously, though to be fair that may just be Christian Slater's acting, or lack there of.

I am not even sure if Deakins is really that smart either. Officially, his reasons for going all Benedict Arnold on everyone is for the money, but according to Riley, a large part of it has to do with the fact that he has been denied a number of promotions due to his smart-ass behavior. Gee, maybe if he, I don't know, didn't act like a dick to everyone he comes across he wouldn't have to betray his country and risk millions of lives in the process! And he doesn't even come off as being an insanely evil person with a twisted sense of justice; he is just an selfish asshole who is trying to screw people over! On top of all that, he makes tactical mistakes as well: he is certain that he had killed Riley after ejecting him from the plane despite the fact that there was a parachute attached to it and he easily could have survived, which he does. Where is this guy's sense of logic?!!!

The other characters don't fair any better. Riley is bland, as is the park ranger Terry Carmichael (Samantha Mathis) whom he meets (after a really stupid fight sequence) and who helps him in his mission. The terrorist Prichett (Bob Gunton) whom Deakins is working for doesn't really do much, but you know he means business because he moves his hands around a lot. By the way, what kind of activities does his terrorist organization carry out? The answer is...who cares?! They're terrorists! That's all you need to know! There is also Deakins' right hand man, a mole within special forces named Kelly, played by former football player/football commentator Howie Long. Because if you can do a Chevy commerical, you can act in a movie! Oh well, I guess this is better than watching Terry Bradshaw do a nude scene in "Failure to Launch". In other words, the most likable character in this movie is Travolta's, a unlikable villain who spends most of his time being an idiot as well as talking while grinding his teeth a lot. Ughhhh...

Ah come on, my last scene wasn't that bad, was it, Bob?... Bob?

The idiocy continues into the next part of the film. Riley and Terry find one of the bombs and attempt to bury it underground in an abandoned mine in order to dull the impact. Deakins catches up to them and reveals that he set it up so that Riley accidentally sets off the timer. He then, once again, mocks Riley by predicting that he does not have the guts to leave the bomb underground. Ummm...what else is he suppose to do?! If he leaves it underground, he has slim chance of saving himself, Terry, and others from being blown into oblivion. If he doesn't do it, the bomb will go off above the ground, which will guarantee that they will die. Riley may be a lame character, but he is not stupid. He is not doing this to be a hero; it's called making a rational choice between the lesser of two evils in order to survive! Get that into your head, Deakins, you dumb-ass! Well, after a stupid gun fight, the bomb goes off underground which dampens the blow of the impact, though I would think that it should have been much more of a bigger blast than was shown. But then again, this is John Woo: whatever he knows about science is limited to special effects and doesn't really take into account...the actual laws of science.

*SPOILER ALERT*...I guess

The rest of the movie is basically about trying to get the other bomb and a bunch of helicopters getting blown up. It ends with Deakins and Riley getting into a boxing match on a train (yeah, that is as stupid as it sounds), before Riley saves the day by ripping off the end of "True Lies". CUT!

*SPOILERS END HERE*...as if you really cared

This was a stupid movie. The characters are lame, there are too many plot holes, and worst of all, its just really boring. I mean, it wasn't terrible. Occasionally Travolta or one of the other characters have a good scene here and there, but even then they are not good enough for me to remember them, which is kind of the point: there is nothing in this that makes it a memorable film, even by bad movie standards. It was just a dull, sub-par, action movie. The only silver lining in all this is that when Travolta and directer John Woo calibrated the following year, they made "Face/Off," an action movie of far superior quality thanks to better writers and Our Cinematic Lord and Savior, Nicolas Cage. So if you want to see a really entertaining film, go see "Face/Off." This, on the other hand, I do not recommend.

See...told you I could do it.

Review: Old Dogs (2009)

Director: Walt Becker

Starring: John Travolta, Robin Williams

Website: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0976238/

You know, with movies like this, I don’t even think there’s much human input at all. It’s just like a machine spitting out cliché plotlines, shallow characters and unfunny lines into a mishmash of blandness. And by god is this bland – I mean, you have no idea. It’s so bland it hurts. Watching this was like having to listen to a dentist drill in your ear for an hour and a half, and actually I’m tempted to say that would be preferable to watching Old Dogs again.

Yes, starring John Travolta and Robin Williams, because…I got nothing; they just picked these two big Hollywood comedic actors’ names out of a hat…Old Dogs was a commercial and critical flop, and for good reason, because this movie just sucks ass! And that’s good enough reason for me to take a look at it and put a nail in this kind of half-assed toothless comedic farce once and for all. Let us commence the beating.

It starts off with Travolta and Williams – I’m sure they have other names but I’m just going to call them by their real ones – walking down the street and arguing about what’s going to happen in their latest business venture, which is as vague and generic as any half-assed comedy ever put out. And what are their characters like? Well, what kinds of characters do they usually play? Travolta as a womanizing and suave nice guy with a voice so girly that most women talk to him because they think he’s a woman himself? Williams as a bumbling fool with a heart of gold and a temper like a volcano? Check aaaaaand check! And yes, I have my revolver on standby for this.

So after Williams begs Travolta not to tell an embarrassing story about him to the board of directors at the meeting later, like a true friend, Travolta goes ahead and tells exactly that story. What a douche. The direction here takes on a very annoying ‘snapshot’ style where short, quick scenes are shoved in your face like clumsily made religious pamphlets from a street leper as Travolta’s voice over tells the story. This is the kind of lazy crap that a lot of modern ‘comedies’ fall into. They seem to think that instead of telling a real story, they can just throw in a bunch of hastily made two-second scenes with shitty music playing over it and hope people laugh. Well I’m not laughing, movie!

Oh, right. So apparently after his first divorce, Williams was depressed and Travolta took him on a tropical vacation where he got a tattoo misspelled by an idiot tattoo artist and then married some chick he didn’t know just because she looked hot, only to leave her the next day out of shame. It’s the kind of boring crap that these kinds of movies substitute for real comedy because they think people can relate to it, or something like that. Because having any real comedy with out-there scenarios and jokes that actually call attention to themselves is just immature!

The next day, Williams gets a message from that chick he married when he was drunk, and she wants to meet him in person to talk. Travolta forces Williams to go to a tanning salon because the movie needs to set up the first of its many hilarious hijinks. Oh, what’s it going to be, movie? Maybe things are looking up after all. What’s that? The salon lady looks at his tattoo funny and then proceeds to flirt with Travolta while Williams gets a mega tan that makes him look like a Guido or something. Nope, that’s not funny at all. Pass.

At the airport, Williams gets stopped by like three people in a row who think he’s Hispanic because of the heavy tan, because…I guess that’s all they’ve got. They can’t even make any real jokes, so they’re just throwing in bland misunderstandings and hoping they get a chuckle or two. It’s like a high schooler who spent his whole night on the Internet looking up porn instead of doing the big project that’s due the next day, and so he had to throw something crappy together at the last minute, appeasing the teacher’s mercy with the barest of his wit. That’s this whole movie. A shoveled together, last minute attempt at humor from a writer who spent his evenings getting drunk because this was the only work he was getting. And who can blame him?

Ugh. So Williams meets with the chick he married when he was drunk, and they exchange several bouts of creepily awkward laughter, because THAT shows us that these two characters haven’t seen each other in a while, right? They go to a restaurant when she drops two bombshells on him one after the other: she’s going to jail for chaining herself to a bulldozer and protesting the destruction of her home (….okay…), AND she has kids. Williams’ kids. Yup, he’s a father. A father who has to impress business executives in order to get a big stake in the company and has to take care of his kids as well. Can you feel the quirkiness yet? Because it’s coming. It’s coming in absurdly small amounts so as to not alienate any of the viewers, because good comedy never takes any risks, right? It never has anything that could possibly offend anyone.

…oh, I forgot this scene, where Williams slams the trunk door on the kids’ original babysitter, ruining her hands:

Charming! I bet she’ll be depressed for weeks and never be able to use her hands fully again for at least a year, but at least you got some laug…at least it was funn…oh, wait, I can’t think of any positives. Scratch that.

So now Williams and Travolta have to take care of two kids. It’s like Two and a Half Men if it was robbed of all good taste and any kind of jokes. For some weird ass reason the film starts to make jokes about how old Travolta and Williams are, with almost every other line having something to do with the two of them being grandpa age. Uh, are we missing something? These guys are old enough to be grandpas? I don’t know; I mean sure they’re not young men anymore, but grandpas? Hardly.

There’s one scene where Williams gets kicked out of his expensive condominium for bringing kids in – and trying to disguise them with hats and sunglasses, because that usually works. The alarm goes off and the lights turn on like there’s a burglar in the house, and the woman Williams talks to runs screaming like she’s being attacked. Ha. Haha…oh, wait, it wasn’t funny.

Then they move in with Travolta, who has poison-tipped spears in glass cases, a fifteen feet deep pool and other things eccentric rich people normally have for no apparent reason other than to seem different and quirky. Williams hires two morons to ‘baby-proof’ the house, which in this movie means asking stupid questions (“You got these spears a thousand years ago? You expect me to believe that?”) and eating food out of the fridge, like total assholes who any sane person would throw out and have arrested in a second, but the movie needs to have more things to kick around its two punching bags of main characters. The kids want to go camping, and scream so loud that they make the birds fly away, and so that’s what they do next! Camping.

This is the point where the movie really slides off a cliff and becomes flat out intolerable as opposed to just silly and clichéd. I’m going to try and sum up what happens in the next half hour of the movie without killing myself or setting out on a quest to murder everyone involved in this. Take a deep breath, people. This is gonna get ugly real fast.

So they go to camp, where this one weirdo thinks Travolta stole his girlfriend. The two guys get mistaken for a gay couple, and then they’re forced to participate in a game of ultimate Frisbee, where Williams hurts that weird guy and busts his lip. They get tackled and shoved around a lot and probably violently hurt, and then Williams blows the head off this statue of the camp’s founder. Then somehow he sets the whole thing on fire? I don’t know. They go back to the house and talk about taking pills like old men, except AGAIN they’re really not that old, so I don’t get why the movie keeps pretending they are. Does the movie assume we can’t tell the difference between the middle-aged Williams and Travolta and actual old people above the age of 65 or so? That’s really stupid, movie.

The kids knock over all the pills while Travolta and Williams aren’t looking, and thus more annoying garbage ensues as the two hapless bland personas suffer all the worst, most cartoony side effects of the pills when they’re trying to do important things, like hit on women at grief circles, and play golf games with Japanese men and Seth Green:

Ghastly. Can’t this movie even try to conjure up something watchable? Just once?

For that matter, yeah, this woman who Travolta was hitting on invited him to come to a grief circle where everyone just grieves about people, I guess. That’s all fine and well but…WHY would she invite some random guy who was hitting on her to a grief circle? Oh yeah, that’s real top notch dating material there! Is she going to have the honeymoon at a funeral parlor? Maybe first conception in the middle of a graveyard? It’s all just happiness and butterflies for this woman, isn’t it?

So because Robin Williams feels that he isn’t connecting with his kids enough, Travolta gives him some sound advice: Just be there for them, protect them and do what they want to do. So how do they go about that? Get this. Travolta takes Williams to a guy played by Bernie Mac who has developed a highly experimental ‘human puppet’ system where two people wear suits, with one moving his body and the other one being manually controlled to do whatever the first guy is doing. Because of this, Travolta and Bernie Mac are able to sit upstairs and control Williams’ movements as he has a pretend tea-party with his daughter.

Is it weird that the only thing going through my head during this was, "where did they get those costumes?"

Uh…okay. This is too much. THIS is their idea of how to foster better bonding between a father and his kids?! You can’t be serious! You really can’t be serious! That’s ludicrous. It doesn’t even matter how much you try to cover it up with sappy, poorly done emotional scenes afterward; normal human beings would never consider something like this as an alternative. Movie, shoot yourself. Repeatedly!

GOD! The rest of the film goes like this: Williams’ wife gets out of jail, and comes home, but Williams and Travolta have to go to Japan to seal the big business deal. They blow it because Williams is homesick for his family, and then the two of them and Seth Green have to invade a zoo to crash the birthday party and be there like they promised. Williams bribes a stuntman to borrow his costume and go to his kids, while Seth Green is kidnapped by a gorilla. It all ends happily ever after with this:

AAAAAAAHHHHH! That's the scariest thing I've ever seen.

Fuck this movie. It’s unfunny, it’s annoying, it’s clichéd and there’s simply nothing good about it, barely any scenes that aren’t completely horrible. Be ashamed if you ever spend money on corporate shitstockings as putrid as this. It is quite simply, unwatchable. And that’s no lie.