My Name is Earl: A Recap (2005-2009)

Creator: Gregory Thomas Garcia

Starring: Jason Lee, Ethan Suplee, Jaime Pressly, Nadine Velazquez, Eddie Steeples

Karma. What can you say about it? Well, some might say that it is a complex Buddhist concept that is worth studying and learning about, but really, in the words of Earl Hickey, it's just "do good things and good things happen. Do bad things, and bad things happen." He learned this from Carson Daly while doped up on morphine after being hit by a car, and what followed formed the base for the hit sitcom My Name is Earl.

I mean, it's just such a cool idea for a show. A guy makes up for all the bad things he's done in the name of making his own life better. Hey, I can dig that. It's really enjoyable, and right from the first episode it entertains. Earl, played by Jason Lee, is a good protagonist, lending his laid back, simplistic world view to a number of situations and providing a level-headed backdrop for his kooky, insane and often criminal friends and acquaintances. It's a good contrast. His brother Randy, played by Ethan Suplee, is the typical dumb, happy-go-lucky character, but his lines are always funny and the acting is really good, too.

So, along with his cantankerous, wily ex-wife Joy, who birthed him two illegitimate children, her new husband Darnell, who is in the witness protection program and their maid, Catalina, who is an illegal immigrant from Mexico, we have the set up for the show. Earl does list items that lead to wacky, unbelievable situations that all have some kind of moral or lesson to them. Sometimes these morals seem hamfisted or childish, but I don't think they deter from the show at all. You don't always have to take it as a lesson, or talking down to you, or anything. Just let the lighthearted, good natured humor and essence of the show soak its way into your bones.

There were a lot of really good episodes, but for the earlier ones, I think one of my favorites was the one where Earl tries to atone for stealing the hot dog cart of a local merchant. It really spirals out of control after their friend Ralph, played by Giovanni Ribsi, is paid by a big corporation hot dog chain to burn down the cart for good. The gang, wanting vengeance, hatches a convoluted and hilarious plot to steal from the corporation to pay for a new hot dog cart - all in the name of karma. It's really hilarious and really worth watching.

Or how about "Y2K," where the gang relives their memories of the last day of 1999, where they apparently thought the world was going to end, leading to them creating a 'new world' inside an abandoned supermarket?

See? I love this show. And I'm not even done with season one yet. Season two is along the same lines, packing some really good episodes like "South of the Border," which follows Catalina's deportment back to Mexico, where Earl and Randy have to overcome a series of hardships on their ways to bring her back. I won't spoil it all for you if you haven't seen it - just go watch it now.

It's just a really good, solid set of episodes; the whole show is. It's not going to change your life, or make any philosophical statements. It's just a lot of fun. Everything is always done tightly and hilariously, and you can tell everyone involved was really enjoying what they were doing. The acting is great all around, too. Nothing ever feels half-assed for television.

Even when the show gets too crazy for its own good - like in season 3, where Earl gets in and out of jail, gets into a coma, has a fantasy of a sitcom inside his head, and then proceeds to chase a girl he barely knows because he thinks they're destined to be together...but...it's still so goddamn gripping! I mean, it fucking keeps you watching. Some of the episodes where Earl's in prison get a bit shaky at times, but then it just blazes straight ahead at full blast for the last half of the season. The ones where he's in a coma are just fantastic, and the forty-minute double-header "The Camdenites" that closes the season is hands-down the best one this series ever churned out. Triumphant, suspenseful and still hilarious, this is just better than I ever expected this show to get. I think the presence of a more coherent, long-running story is what sells this, along with the more dramatic elements. It's just fantastic; it really is.

As one would imagine, the last season can't quite measure up, but it damn well tries. The first few episodes really didn't seem as good, but it eventually got better, kicking the quality back up to that of the older episodes. I think my favorite episodes here are "Quit Your Snitchin'," which starts out with one of the funnier exchanges between Earl and Randy in the show's history, "Little Bad Voodoo Brother," which is fresh and fun as all get out, "Nature's Game Show," a wild ride full of tornados and mayhem abound, "Reading is a Funda Mental Case," which feels the most like an older Earl episode and "My Name is Alias," which features a hilariously lop-sided take on secret agent movies. "Pinky" is also notable for the token tear-jerker episode, and it does well enough for all that.

But alas, all good things must come to an end sooner or later, as Earl's time had come to be taken off the air. The season sadly ended on a cliffhanger in "Dodge's Dad," which infuriatingly showed potential for a huge new breath of fresh life into the show, if it had continued. I know studios don't do this to harm anyone, but fuck, I wish they had continued it. Damn you, corporate America; damn you and all your wretched ways!

Ahem. Excuse that. Well, My Name is Earl had a good run. I've dragged this review on for a while now, and I still don't think I've really covered everything I could have said about this show, but that will just leave you with more surprises if you do decide to check it out. My Name is Earl is just a bucket load of fun, always interesting, always engaging and always funny. Go check it out.

Review: Pan's Labyrinth (2006)

Director: Guillermo Del Toro

Starring: Ivana Baquero, Sergi Lopez, Maribel Verdu, Doug Jones

What's in a fairytale? A sense of mysticism, a certain wonder, a desire to create worlds that are beyond our grasp, and beyond the dregs of the depressing reality we live in. In those respects, a film like Pan's Labyrinth is definitely a fairytale. But it's also more than that, as it shows you the other side of the coin, too. It is a film of dual personalities, and both worlds - that of the Spanish revolution in the 1940s and that of the strange, whimsical fantasy world that lies just behind every wall.

The movie, about a young girl who is traveling with her mother to live with her new stepfather, a ruthless, sadistic army officer, is historically driven, set in fasict Spain after the revolution, where rebels still fight in the mountains to try and regain their freedom. But this is really quite downplayed, not shoved in your face or made so you absolutely have to know the history in order to get into the film. The girl, Ofelia, is an imaginative child, always wandering off and letting her imagination carry her places - much to her mother's chagrin.

But soon enough her mother is bedridden and getting ready to have the general's baby, leaving Ofelia to do as she wishes. Ofelia is quickly sucked into a chasm of surrealist fantasy, where she is told by the keeper of the realm, the Faun, that she is the reincarnation of the king's daughter, and that she needs to perform three tasks to prove that she is worthy of the title. She has to throw small rocks into the mouth of a giant tree-frog in order to obtain a key. She is given chalk to draw her way into the hall of a terrible beast, in which she cannot let her temptation to eat the lovely foods on his table overcome her.

See what I mean? This is the purest essence of fairytales. I love how things like this are fit in between the darker, more mature adult themes of the movie. The careful juxtaposition makes a good statement about real life - the world is harsh and violent, but through the eyes of a child, the best way to cope is by creating realms of fantasy inside their own minds. And in the case of Pan's Labyrinth, the fantasy world seems just as real as the real one.

Guillermo Del Toro is really an ace director, making every scene count and hitting the viewers hard with both his historical doom and gloom and the dark, tempting fantasy scenes. This is a very visual movie, with a lot of subtle special effects that surprise the viewer with their intricacy and detail. Everything looks fantastic, and the acting is great, with Sergi Lopez as Captain Vidal and Doug Jones as the Faun being exceptionally kick ass in their roles.

There are a lot of smaller plot lines going on all the while, like the one involving Mercedes, the servant, and her connection to the rebellion. Several people are killed, and all the while Ofelia's fantasy world runs its lines deep, like contours through mud. It all makes for a very complex, winding trip, and I think this will really be one of those films where you notice new things every time you watch.

As the ending grows near, with the final confrontation between the Faun, Ofelia and Vidal in the labyrinth boiling down to its last notes, everything seems to become clearer. The message of the film, all the dark, twisted subtleties...it all just kind of clicks into place, like the last pieces of a puzzle. The conclusion is uplifting, lending credence to the film's dreamlike, fairytale-esque demeanor. It is magical. Don't believe in fairytales? This movie will make you reconsider.

Review: Wishmaster 4: The Prophecy Fulfilled (2002)

This was a joint review by me and Ronnie, otherwise known on here as TheGoddamned Batman. It's about Wishmaster 4: The Prophecy Fulfilled, and we hope this review will dissuade you from ever renting this pile of dung like we did. I guess we had it coming, though. Ronnie's review is in Courier and mine is in the regular font.

Director: Chris Angel

Starring: Tara Spencer-Naim, Michael Trucco, Jason Thompson

When you go to rent a movie like this you enter the affair with an idea of what you’re getting. A direct to d.v.d pile of garbage that was to cheap for the big screen and to shameful for t.v.

People...horror movies are not always supposed to be serious and morbid. Sometimes, they can be funny. Sometimes they can be silly and over the top, and that's part of the fun - they're not quite comedies, but they're close enough to where they're good for a bunch of laughs, even if it is just for how bad they are. But then there are some movies like Wishmaster 4.

This is the kind of movie that makes me want to kill the people who made it. I mean, why? Just why? That's what I want to know. Why are there four Wishmaster movies? Who thought it was a good idea to make a movie where the Wishmaster, a demon from the fiery pits of Hell, falls in love? The entire idea is ludicrous! They play it off like some lost Shakespherian tragedy, without any kind of kitsch or self-parody to it at all, and I guess that was part of the joke (nobody seemed to be taking this movie too seriously, after all). But they missed the punchline, so the result is just a mess of embarrassing crap.

Words fail to describe the phenomenal pile of waste that is Wishmaster IV. The actors are bad and the plot is worse. Shitty “special” affects that are presented more like special ed affects and dialogue that sounds like it was written by a five year old are standard fair in this film flop. The story of an evil genie who murders folks with twisted wishes could have been something worth watching if it had been handled well. It was not handled well. 

Characters are introduced at random, without any kind of real development, and there are two over-long sex scenes that were apparently just put in to pad the movie. What is this, a porno? Imagine if someone walks in when these scenes are on. "Hey, mom!" "Hey, son...what are you watching? Is that a sex movie?" "No, it's Wishmaster 4."

I think that's actually more embarrassing, to tell you the truth.

I mean, it's just so insipid. They don't even name the characters in the first five minutes of pornography without actual nudity, so what's the purpose? The entire thing is shot like a fucking music video! Are we supposed to be...enchanted by this?

So the movie fast forwards three years, to what I think should have been the real beginning of the film, as it actually introduces a plot! Is it a good plot? Not really. Apparently the boyfriend from the porno-tapes before this plotline started crashed his motorcycle and is now crippled. His girlfriend, and the main protagonist of the movie, is trying to settle with the people who want to sue them for something or other, and the boyfriend is jealous because she spends so much time with her lawyer. So what, she's trying her damndest to do everything she can to help him, and all he can do is whine about how he can't have sex? What an asshole! He spends most of the movie bitching, whining, making scowling faces at the camera and going to strip clubs.

Say, wasn't there a murderous genie from hell in this movie? I'm starting to think I rented the wrong movie, because all of this drama and ballyhooing is really busting my chops. Get on with it, movie; just get on with it!

There is a plot somewhere in here about how the Wishmaster needs three wishes from the lead girl because she unleashed him from his little red Jawbreaker thing, or something like that, and how that will somehow evoke Armageddon. Why is it happening now, and not in one of the other three films? Convenience of contrived writing; that's why.

The only redeeming features of the movie come when the Wishmaster grants random peoples' wishes and fucks them up royally. You know, kind of like how the first two did it. Remember those, guys? This doesn't happen near as often in this movie, and it suffers. I do think the lead girl has a nice rack, too, but even then, that's not worth the price of admission to see this.

The absolute nadir of quality has to be when these spirit-demon-guys who want to cause Armageddon unleash this really ridiculous looking Matrix-rip-off samurai reject who carries around a sword so cheap that you couldn't even sell it for half price at Party City. This guy fights the Wishmaster in broad daylight, and good god is it ever fucking boring. Broad daylight; are you high? How is this intimidating or exciting in the least? Oh, yeah, I really want to watch two idiots roleplaying for a rejected Lord of the Rings scene with some of the worst exposition ever laid down! That's my idea of a good time any day.

The genie looks like a Power Rangers villain and the sword fights are laughable. The odds are that you will laugh rather than scream, or maybe you’ll cry over the buck you spent renting this pile of platypus poopoo. Who was to blame for this atrocity? None other than the director of other award winning films such as…. Such as… wait a minute, this film is directed by Chris Angel?! The magician?!!! Suddenly it all becomes clear. Avoid this film and anything else that has to do with Mr. Angel and his directing career. God help us if he decides to do A Rob Zombie and starts directing remakes of classic horror films. Imagine if he tackled “Child’s Play”, oh the pain! I don’t want to keep going on about how unbelievably bad this film is so I'll just sum it all up with a quote from the Wishmaster himself: “ Be careful what you wish for."

This movie is just lame. The story is convoluted and ridiculous, most of the characters aren't that great, the acting is shoddy at best and the whole thing is just embarrassing to watch. If I had one wish, I'd wish that Wishmaster 4 was erased from my memory, because it is just stupid, stupid, stupid. I want my goddamn money back, and I didn't even pay for this thing!

Review: Slumdog Millionaire (2008)

Dev Patel, Frida Pinto, Madhur Mittal

The story of how impoverished Indian teen Jamal Malik became a contestant on the Hindi version of "Who Wants to be A Millionaire?" -- an endeavor made without prize money in mind, rather, an effort to prove his love for his friend Latika, who is an ardent fan of the show. (This synopsis was shamelessly stolen from Facebook.)

Great movie. Every answer that Jamal tells reveals another piece of difficult upbringing and it all comes together to tell an inspiring story of trying to survive in a world filled with hostility. The actors (virtually unknown to American audiences before the movie came out) are all very impressive, and the depiction of the Indian slums is amazing, though I honestly do not know enough about them to verify the accuracy of it. Still, it was very enjoyable to watch, and I definitely recommend it.

Reflections on a Troubled Time: The Gingerdead Man Review (Undertaken by Three of Us)

It was a strange, dark road we were traveling down, with no end in sight. Colin was at the wheel, his hands jittering madly from some strange ailment...mostly he was just frightened at the prospect of the movie we were about to witness. Ronnie cackled away, his brain likely moving at a hundred miles a minute in sheer ecstasy. I was recording the whole ordeal in my mind. Blockbuster loomed like some shining beacon in the distance, glowing with such a hellish light. The film lay in our possession.

Was this...our fate? The GingerDEAD man? Such a horrible pun should be punishable by death.

We wandered around the FEC towers in the dark after buying some sugary snacks and drinks at Carmelo's. The dark was closing in. We tried two computers at first, neither of which seemed agreeable with the wretched piece of celluloid. Most of the snacks were long finished by the time we decided to pile back in the car and drive all the way to Lewis to watch it in my room. The movie was simply unwatchable so far. We told Joe of our whereabouts in case we did not return. He would spread the word to the masses.

We were ready to enter the tomb. Brace yourselves, dear readers, for you, too, are about to be in a world of hurt.

This film is deprived of anything resembling logic. Just the very idea of it is insane. Who ever wanted to see something like this? Have you ever in your life said to yourself, "hey, I want to watch a movie with a retarded gingerbread man sock puppet murdering people"? I don't think you have.

But apparently some idiot at FullMoon Productions did, so here we are. Gary Busey stars in this cinematic ass-fisting, and I have to say that this is strange...for I have never seen such a worthless, depraved acting performance in all my years. He is insipidly bad. It hurts to watch this performance, even though it only lasts five minutes. Christ. This is terrible. There is really no reason to make fun of this movie, even - it does itself in. Every bit of this is self pitying drivel that anger would be wasted on. So let us commence the review:

No character development can be found here. There is no structure to the story; characters just appear at random, shocking the viewer with how random their appearances are. The acting is atrocious, showing just how low the budget was for this movie, as well as how far a pair of tits can get a female actress in this world. You would think a movie about a killer gingerbread man would be somehow campy and fun, but this is not. Why? Because none of the kills are shown, and there are only like two of them throughout the whole movie. Most of the film is filled with boring dialogue between the bad-acting lead girl and the bad-acting and incredibly ridiculous looking lead guy. Because of course, that is what I wanted out of a movie titled The Gingerdead Man.

We walked out of the film disheartened for the sad state of our country. Was this what we had been reduced to? None of us was coherent. We were disoriented, trying to piece together what we had just seen. The lingering question remained: Who was worse? FullMoon, for releasing this film, or us, for watching it?

Review: Hannibal (2001)

Director: Ridley Scott (you'd think the guy who directed Alien would know how to make a better movie...)

Starring: Anthony Hopkins, Julianne Moore, Gary Oldman, Ray Liotta

Okay, who green-lighted this? I mean this is seriously completely unwatchable - nonexistant pacing, horrible writing, annoying characters, phoned-in psychology...there's just nothing good here, at all. Every single thing this movie does is insulting and putrid, annoying the viewer fiercely. This movie is actively painful to sit through on several levels I never thought possible. I mean, the main villain is a mangled homosexual cripple who will make you want to look at car crash victims as an alternative, and his ingenious plan is to feed Hannibal to a bunch of hungry, rabid hogs. That should be enough for you to skip this stinker by itself, but when you add in a horrible Ray Liotta and a climax that involves watching him stutter through his lines with his brain hanging out, it becomes a certifiable national disaster. This movie is just terrible, and I'd be willing to bet that the director and producer are the ones who really got lobotomized here. Avoid.

Review: Pontypool (2008)

Director: Bruce MacDonald

Starring: Stephen McHattie, Lisa Houle

This is the first movie I've ever had to watch twice to pen down even initial thoughts on it. That is an accomplishment by itself, but this dense and stylish catacomb of insanity and wit packs more than that - it is just downright awesome. It's a zombie film that makes every other zombie film in the last few years look like kids stuff with its originality and creative scope. For one, it's almost entirely a one act play, with only a few characters who interact in subtle ways that show you their relationships with one another without actually coming out and stating it - always a sign of good writing to me, or one of them. You get to know the characters and genuinely like them, as well as being impressed by how well they're painted with the minimal background information provided. Very maturely handled.

And the story, too - people are turned into zombies by hearing words? That's so crazy that it would downright suck if a less talented team did it, but here it just works. It's made ironic by the constant stream of dialogue chucked at you even from the very beginning of the movie, which is well written (yeah, probably adapted from the book, but whatever) and consistently engaging, and I picked up on things on the second viewing that I didn't notice on the first one. This is definitely one that merits re-viewings, and I will be going back to it again in the future.

The tension is built up like a volcano about to erupt, and yet when it does...it's still like nothing else I've ever seen. It's more of a slow burning and beautiful end than a fast, gore-streaked climax that many viewers may go in expecting, and I won't spoil any of it for you, but know this: it is as pure a cinematic gold mine as any I've seen out of my favorite movies, with intrigue and suspense and stellar writing exploding all around you - you won't know what to think, but as you think about it, the mystique of Pontypool will slowly unfold. Haunting, epochal and stirring in every way, probably the best horror movie of the decade.