Pokemon Detective Pikachu (2019)

Like a lot of people my age, my childhood was full of the colorful abominations called Pokemon. I played those games fucking constantly growing up, dabbled in the card games, watched a lot of the real old TV show. Hell, I’ve got old VHS tapes of the shit in my parents’ house. This movie’s trailer made it look like a kind of love letter to the kids like me who liked this stuff in the late 90s. But in reality it’s a pile of dog shit with a Pokemon card on top.

SPOILERS FOR THE MOVIE WITHIN.

Director: Rob Letterman

Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Justice Smith, Kathryn Newton

IMDb

Co-written with Tony.

I guess the story begins with this insurance salesman, Tim, is out with a buddy trying to hunt a Cubone when he learns his father dies – but really, the movie just wants us to forget that a grown man has to run for his life from a two-foot rat in a bone mask. How hard could it possibly be to capture that thing?

But yeah, his dad dies and he has to go to this city where Pokemon and humans live in harmony and don’t do any of the battling you’d expect out of this franchise. So it’s Pokemon with nothing cool about it, essentially. Riveting! We find this out through some truly wretched exposition – it’s just shown on a train TV screen ad, conveniently for the beginning of the movie. I dunno about you, but whenever shit like this shows up on Hulu or Spotify, I tune out. It wouldn't be an effective method to convey backstory.

In the city, we get some painfully stock scenes flashing back to Tim’s childhood where he lost his mom. I know it’s supposed to be sad, but this and every other emotional moment in the film seems like it was taken from a giant corporate warehouse with CLICHE SCENES & PLOTS written on the side.

Fortunately the titular talking Pikachu, voiced by Ryan Reynolds, shows up soon after that. Sure, ‘Ryan Reynolds plays a talking Pikachu’ sounds like something you and your friends came up with in 15 minutes while you were high off your asses. But it does provide for some funny moments. There’s some half-decent absurdist comedy to watching him run around and seeing the other Pokemon doing goofy shit. Unfortunately, that isn't enough for a full hour and forty-minute movie.

The problem is that everything aside from the weirdness and humor of the Pokemon is utterly phoned in. There’s a budding romance between Tim and Kathryn Newton’s junior reporter character Lucy. It’s every bit as lame and awkward as you’d expect; retro in the sense that we quit doing these types of hack storylines in the 90s because they were bad. Oh, he makes some awkward Freudian slips and Pikachu ribs him about it? Stop the presses! The fantastic Bill Nighy is wasted as the rich guy businessman who turns out to be a villain later. Awesome twist if you’ve never seen a movie in your life.

Everything is by the book and the story is a practically just a bunch of cliches patched together with rubber bands and cheap glue. There are some emotional scenes that don’t pack any punch because every line and every story beat is predictable and hollow. Like, really, are they going to let Pikachu die in this Detective Pikachu movie by being hit with a rock? Are they going to keep Pikachu and Tim apart when, right after being saved from dying, Pikachu arbitrarily decides to go on his own to stop anyone else from being hurt? I mean, wow, I was really surprised when everything turned out OK after those incredibly stale cliché tropes you guys trotted out like fat out of shape race-horses.

One of the worst parts is how they do exposition and revelations of story elements like how Pikachu lost his memory or what happened to Tim’s dad. Basically Nighy’s character invented this virtual reality camera thing that can show what happened in the past “from all angles,” effectively giving the characters an extremely hacky way to see what happened – conveniently it’s able to show everything perfectly in a neat way that explains stuff! I’d say this is spoon-feeding you exposition, but really it’s like tying you down Guantanamo-style and shoving a feeding tube forcefully into your nostrils and flushing the exposition in that way.

The climax is truly horrible, with Bill Nighy putting his brain into Mewtwo’s body. I guess his character, who is in a wheelchair, wants to merge with Pokemon to “heal” everyone in the world or some stupid shit like that. I’ve seen this ‘disabled villain wants to cure the world in an evil way’ trope before and usually done better. But as a disabled person, it’s not realistic – we’d probably just kill people like any other type of villain. We’re not that noble.

Nighy as Mewtwo spends the finale spouting out lines that somehow top even the previous cliches in the movie, which I find an amazing feat. All the good humor from earlier is long gone, and the movie bafflingly delivers this totally straight-faced, no irony at all. If actors could be punished for crimes by being forced to do horrible scenes in movies, this one would be the punishment for a triple homicide.

Maybe I’m being too harsh – there are a few OK jokes and it’s nice to see some Pokemon on screen, I guess, though it’s been ages since I was super into this stuff. Maybe some will like it better. It’d probably be a blast if I was drunk or high, watching the first act or two anyway. But overall there are way better kids’ movies you could see. Just make sure you cover your kids’ eyes at the part where Pikachu commits genocide against a bunch of Digimon. That shit was horrific to watch.

Image copyright of its original owners, I don't own any of it.

REVIEW: The Croods (2013)

Animated CGI kids films are all the rage, and why shouldn’t they be? They’re profitable as hell, and these days they’ve gotten some serious street cred after films like Ratatouille, Up and last year’s luminous Wreck It Ralph have made the genre into a veritable powerhouse. No longer just for kids and silly slapstick, these days the genre boasts stories that are friendly for kids as well as compelling for adults, finding a perfect balance between good natured humor and good storytelling that anyone can enjoy. It’s a perfect commercial formula and it produces great films, like The Croods.

Director: Kirk De Micco, Chris Sanders

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Emma Stone, Ryan Reynolds

IMDb

This movie, telling the story of a family of cavemen who go on a journey to ‘the new world’ as the tectonic plates shift and throw their current world into oblivion, is drop dead hilarious. Where Wreck It Ralph and others like ParaNorman focused more on the blend of comedy with adventure and drama, The Croods is all about the comedy. The drama comes in later, and they are on an adventure, but the jokes are so prominent and so good. Every minute, the theater was busting out in laughter. The comedic timing is great and the jokes are almost all killer. Right in the opening scene you get the whole family running around trying to catch food, and Nicolas Cage (we’ll get to him in a moment) yells out “LET OUT THE BABY!” And then, well, the baby comes out roaring and biting and all.

Everything in this movie is high-speed, energetic and colorful, which adds to the excitement. It’s a very vibrant film, but while busy, it never comes off as cluttered and everything has its rightful place in each scene. Very well put together. There are also all sorts of clever little bits where the film claims that the Croods are the reason we have things we take for granted – pictures, rugs, even hugs…apparently the Croods invented all of these things on their journey in this very movie. These are all just minor bits that come and go quickly, and they’re very well integrated into the rest of the film. And they’re very funny, which is always a plus…

The acting is pretty damn good, featuring Emma Stone as lead girl Eep, who is a rebellious and single-minded woman who can do things on her own…well, Emma Stone is pretty much typecast in this role now, and The Croods nails it, right down to the ‘tough girl but still needs a boyfriend’ trope. And said boyfriend role is filled by Ryan Reynolds as Guy, in probably the first thing I’ve ever liked him in. Guy is a timid but intelligent young man who unwittingly steals Grug (Nicolas Cage…again, we’ll get to him)’s family away from him, and incites the whole movie when the family takes him hostage on their road trip to find a new home, thinking him useful.

Okay, well it’s time to address the elephant in the room here…yes, Nicolas Cage is in this movie, and he is hilarious. He plays Grug, the father of the cavemen who feels threatened by the new world full of ideas and progression, instead preferring to keep hiding in his cave. I haven’t seen Cage having so much fun with a film in years. While most of his recent roles have tended to be more somber in nature even when the movies themselves got silly, The Croods sees a return to his silliest, most over the top performances. While I can’t say the movie would have been improved by adding in some Vampire’s Kiss-esque insanity…

Uh, I think you mean "I'M A CAVEMAN! I'M A CAVEMAN!" But I digress. It IS suitably insane, and the cartoony nature of it all just makes sense, don’t you think? I mean, Nicolas Cage is already a cartoon character in every aspect aside from the fact that he’s three dimensional and resides in our world. Thank God this movie fixes that problem.

There’s a great scene near the climax where Grug, after being cast out as his family prefers staying with Guy over him, spends the night thinking of ideas. When they encounter him the next day…well, it’s pretty loony and involves him skipping around with an ugly octopus-shaped rug on his head, sunglasses on his face that he can’t see out of, and lots of slapstick. I should be annoyed at how much slapstick there is in this, but it’s all really well done and is actually funny, which is something a lot of movies seem to miss. “Slapstick” isn’t an excuse for laziness.

Of course there is the expected dramatic turn toward the end, too, and I won’t spoil it. But for all its humorous moments, the film does know how to turn down the dial a bit and work the heartstrings, producing some very fine, dramatic moments even if they do get kind of predictable. Just for once I’d love to see a film like this go the extra mile and have something really dark happen – instead of the main character looking like he’s dead and then ending up living happily ever after, why doesn’t one of these films actually have him die and stay that way? But it’s wishful thinking.

I also think it’s interesting that, really, the film belongs to Grug the most. It appears at the start that Eep will be the main character, as she gets the most development at first and is the one who sets the chain of events in motion, but in the end she sort of takes a backseat, becoming a more generic female character for this type of movie. Which is a bit disappointing, but then, on the other hand, Grug is a great character and a lot of fun to watch him develop. I’m not a father, but I like the way the movie portrays fatherhood – at first he seems grumpy and even mean at times, but he really does have his family’s best interests at heart and he does have the capacity to change. It’s a genuinely good character arc, and one of the better parts of the film.

So that’s The Croods, and without spoiling too much, I think it’s really good. It’s a bucket full of fun and has some good drama as well, with lively performances and great mise en scene throughout. It’s just a solid, enjoyable animated flick and anyone who has a heart will probably find something to enjoy in it. So what are you waiting for? Go watch it. Go watch it now.

Images and videos in this review do not belong to me; they are copyright of their original owner.

Review: Date Night (2010) TH

A night of misadventures and misunderstandings

Phil (Carell) and Claire (Fey) Foster are an average couple from New Jersey who have harmless full time jobs, two highly active kids and most importantly no time to build on the romance and adventure they once started out with. They seem to have become a cross between best friends and brother and sister, as they're familiar enough to give out sarcastic and sometimes dry jokes with some comedic observations thrown in at what was them or could really be them. They're so busy and responsible that they hardly noticed the slump of doing the same ol' things in the same ol' order until their close friends the Sullivans (Mark Ruffalo, Kristen Wiig) are getting a separation from lack of wind in their sails. Claire and Phil decide to turn a regular date night into one they'll remember, except it ends up being more than they bargained for.

After getting shot down for a reservation at a trendy, upscale restaurant called Claw over in New York, they pretend to be the Tripplehorns to snag a table. Quicker than you can say, "If you're looking for trouble, it's bound to find you," two guys who appear to be restaurant employees ask the now drunk couple to step outside. Soon enough things turn for the "North by Northwest" worst, as these are gun waving fellows are looking to get a flashdrive back for their boss Joe Miletto (Ray Liotta) and don't believe the two aren't really the Tripplehorns. Instead of getting filled with lead, Phil and Claire go with the flow and make up information in hopes that something will come up in the meantime. Opportunity strikes and they get away only to find themselves jumping back and forth to escape the two that look like henchmen but might be something else.

From one location to the next, they end up breaking every other law, get help from the continually shirtless private security guy named Holbrooke Grant (Mark Wahlberg), to meeting the real Tripplehorns called Whippit (Mila Kunis) and Taste (James Franco) that are just a couple of movie referencing Bonnie and Clydes who got in over their heads. This is an exaggerated cinematic world where regular people exceed and bad guys are really bad. Everyone is a caricature of their type from shady gangsters, perverted politicians to corrupt cops, which makes the experience purposely silly and far from ground-breaking but still a somewhat fun formula because it doesn't even take itself seriously. Some situations jump the ship of just being plain dumb, such as both attempting to pole dance and then like a miss episode of SNL it carries on far too long. There's a tad of action between the one-liners and sometimes inventive remarks, including an impossible but wild car chase and some guns waved and fired. Fey and Carell are both energetic and well-timed out with their back and forth banter in between their characters trying to figure out an exit strategy. This is about two regular folks attempting to save their own skin and simultaneously save the day. Been there, done that countless times, but it's still an easy and unchallenging ride to relax and loosen up with to pass the time even if it doesn't claim to be a first rate film.

Director: Shawn Levy (Just Married, Night at the Museum)
Starring: Steve Carell, Tina Fey, Mark Wahlberg, Ray Liotta, Mark Ruffalo, Kristen Wiig
Website: IMDB


Quotes:

Claire: "That's amazing, Jeremy, but I'm gonna go home now and fart into a shoe box."

Woman at book club meeting: "This part really spoke to me. I mean, to walk 20 miles for water, and then to suddenly discover that you're menstruating?"
Phil: "Quite sad."
Woman: "Sir, you have no idea what it is like to be a teenage girl having your first period under Taliban rule."

Taste: "This is about how I'm an asshole all the time, huh? How you have no trust that I can pull things through."
Whippit: "Yeah!"
Taste: "How I can't do anything right? I buy the wrong soda?"
Whippit: "Yeah."
Taste: "The wrong beer!"
Phil: "I hear you, man."
Taste: "The wrong nipple clamps."
Phil: "Well..."
Whippit: "Those clamps hurt me!"

Review: 127 Hours (2010) TH

Where there's an Aron Ralston, there's a way

Back in 2003, a thrill-junkie named Aron Ralston, played by James Franco, went out on what he thought was a weekend of fun and games in the remote canyons of Utah but got caught in an impossible situation that put his strength of character to the test. He didn't buddy up with someone, he didn't properly pack and most importantly he didn't tell anyone where he went. Call that irresponsible or call that the life of a risk taker and a gambler at heart. Right out of the gate, Aron shortly acts as a tour guide to two newly met girls, Kristi and Megan, who he treats with a little bit of unsure mysteriousness but know-how for adventure before going off on his own. While climbing down a cavern wall, a medium-sized rock comes loose and Aron falls down with it and gets his hand dislodged against an enclosed wall space, thus starting "127 hours" of his struggle.

Instead of just doing a quiet, emotion-on-the-face type movie, this switches between and interacts through a portable video camera that Aron talks into towards an imaginary audience similar to "Grizzly Man." This mode of interaction transforms the viewer to live and breath the moment-by-moment with the character as opposed to a piece that would look back with a dry and comfortable voice over top. Like the ball with a face in "Cast Away," Aron's camera becomes his friend to converse and reminisce with to bide his time. He's a guy who is used to falling down but always getting right back up again with a few scrapes to talk later about. He has a sense of cheer and humor despite the grim circumstances and won't let negativity get the best of him. He plans, he thinks and he ultimately becomes the situation and makes it routine through his wrist watch keeping time to the various items he brought in his pack to help him survive the best way he can.

There's going to be stylish film mechanics to keep things moving, such as frequent camera angles and interspersed music to lend feeling. There's a consistent pacing with "127 Hours" that's capable of showing what he went through without making it tedious or over-dramatizing; sometimes even upbeat and at one point philosophical. This can also be candid and straightforward, as well dreamy and sentimental. James Franco transforms this real life person into a likable guy who seems like he is always searching for something and on the move, that is until he got stuck in a predicament of predicaments which brought out every ounce of what perseverance, knowledge and endurance he has in him to either wait and get rescued, beat his body's clock or make a sacrifice.

Director: Danny Boyle (Trainspotting, The Beach, Slumdog Millionaire)
Starring: James Franco, Amber Tamblyn, Kate Mara
Website: IMDB

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011)

Starring: Johnny Depp, Penelope Cruz, Ian McShane, Geoffrey Rush, Kevin McNally

Director: Rob Marshall

IMDb: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1298650/

Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pirates_of_the_Caribbean:_On_Stranger_Tides

So is this what I have been reduced to on this blog? Reviewing bad sequels to action movies? *Sigh* Let's get this over with...

Johnny Depp is back in his iconic role as Jack Sparrow in this fourth (that's right, fourth) addition to the "Pirates of the Caribbean" film series. Picking up where the last one left off, we find him on a quest to discover the Fountain of Youth. But he is not alone: he is joined on his journey, whether he likes it or not, by Barbossa and Gibbs (played once again by Geoffrey Rush and Kevin McNally respectively), as well as an old flame named Angelica (Penelope Cruz) and her father, the legendary Blackbeard, (Ian McShane).

Ok, I'll be fair; it was actually pretty decent. The biggest problems of the two previous sequels were that they had an overstuffed plot (the movies basically had a two-part story arch) and too many over-the-top, pointless action sequences. This film, on the other hand, is much more sensible, with a generally straightforward and interesting story-line and with action scenes that are dramatic but do not feel forced. It actually brings to mind the first film. The new cast helps as well; Cruz and McShane do well in their roles. Depp and the rest of the returning cast, meanwhile, have been playing their roles for so long now that they kind of had to be good.

But you don't want to hear me praise it; you want me to tear it to shreds. Very well...

From a logistical standpoint, there are a few problems with sections of the story. Blackbeard is shown to have magical powers that can bring any ship under his control. So why does he need a crew at all? Can't he just sail the ship himself? Another plot hole which is not as prominent but far stranger (no pun intended) takes place at the end: the Spanish military, which is on the same mission as Sparrow and co., reveal their intentions on what to do about the Fountain. I will not spoil the "surprise," but believe me when I say that their reasoning (or lack thereof) is really, really, really bizarre and makes no sense whatsoever on any level of sanity. There is also a subplot involving a missionary (Sam Claflin) and a mermaid (Astrid Berges-Frisbey), a half-hearted attempt replace the Will Turner-Elizabeth Swann relationship of the previous films (as if it were necessary) that contributes only a minimum amount to the plot and for the most part appears pointless. That is, unless, they decide to make a fifth movie, God forbid.

I guess my biggest overall criticism of the film would be that, despite the reboot, it still feels kind of old. As I said, it brings to mind the first film, but that's both a good and a bad thing. The bad part is that when you watch it, it feels like it's really...average. It's not that there are no new ideas being put in play and it didn't really drag at all (though one or two parts go on a little longer then they should have); it's just that there does not really seem to be any reason to care. I know it sounds like I'm being very ambiguous, but it is just difficult to put it into words. Maybe the last three films have drained the franchise of its vitality; maybe there was another reason that I didn't pick up on. Whatever it is, it's there, and it is difficult to get away from it.

In my opinion, the original "Pirates of the Caribbean" is the best and is frankly the only one that is actually worth seeing in terms of its relative entertainment value. Everything that has come afterward has mostly been time-wasters. As far as time-wasters go, however, this isn't too bad. It's a little difficult for me to recommend it outright, but it would not really harm you if you did see it. You may even genuinely enjoy the movie. Just don't set your hopes too high.

I do not own the rights to the above image; it is for entertainment purposes only. Please do not sue me.

Review: King Kong (1933)

Directors: Merian C. Cooper, Ernest B. Schoedsack

Starring: Fay Wray, Robert Armstrong, Bruce Cabot, King Kong, Island Natives

Website: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0024216/

"And now, ladies and gentlemen, before I tell you any more, I'm going to show you the greatest thing your eyes have ever beheld. He was a king and a god in the world he knew, but now he comes to civilization merely a captive - a show to gratify your curiosity. Ladies and gentlemen, look at Kong, the Eighth Wonder of the World."

-Carl Denham

In the 1930s, the public eye was captured by a wild, untamed beast, savage in depiction and unruly in nature. He lived on an island full of dinosaurs – the Island Lost in Time – and he was hunted by brave souls risking their lives for the sake of romance and fame. You simply can’t get any more classic then this film, people. King Kong is it, man. The very definition of a classic film. King Kong has that old style adventurous spark that you just don’t see any more.

It’s sad. To think movies like this were once the norm and then just kind of died out is tragic, as it really is a great formula. This was a movie from a very different time period, where everyone wanted to explore the unknown and find out what every dark crevasse in the Earth had to offer – and often, they were scared of such things. Fear of the unknown never stopped them from exploring it in fiction – which is really the best medicine for fear. King Kong is based on the idea that there was an island where dinosaurs still existed and where a giant ape reigned as an idol and cast fear over natives that wore loincloths and war paint. It is idealistic and fantastical like many films from the time were. It’s an escapist piece, but it brings the danger close enough to home to make the audience gasp, to make the ladies clutch their husbands’ arms a little tighter and to make everyone edge a little closer to the screen, hands clenched, brow getting hot.

It’s this kind of formula that never gets old. You put a woman in danger and the men will come and save her. These days you get a lot of feministic ramblings that tell you that women shouldn’t be objectified or viewed as helpless or weak at all, but I don’t really agree. Just because a woman is put into a dangerous situation from which a man has to save her doesn’t mean anything about women in general. Men can be put into those situations, too. It’s not about the gender of the person being put in danger; it’s just about the danger bit. We like to see people put in danger, only to be rescued by someone who loves them, in the nick of time. And being a guy…well, I can relate to just about EVERY OTHER GUY IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD when I say it’s easy for a guy to put himself in the shoes of the hero swinging on that vine to save the chick from imminent doom. But it could easily be a girl saving a guy and probably wouldn’t lose much in translation. But I digress, anyway.

King Kong is also just so black-and-white morally. Kong saves Ann from the clutches of those bad old dinosaurs, but he is never really given much humanity aside from the few brief glimpses here and there, rare occasions when you do get a spark of intelligence behind his monstrous visage. He’s more of a sad, misshapen aberration; you feel for him in the way you feel for a dog that’s about to be put down. In the end he’s an animal, a show piece for Mr. Carl Denham, who really, really needed that last push to stardom. I mean…he really needed it, you guys. And there isn’t much of a dilemma about it. Kong isn’t humanized enough for us to see him as anything more than a captured animal. Which puts the focus more on Ann and Jack, who are almost ready to put the past behind them and get married until Kong strikes again, the bastard. There you go – unless you’re some kind of PETA associate, Kong won’t be the emotional core of this picture for you.

Have I mentioned how much I like Jack Driscoll? He’s a man’s man; an old school sailor who embodies every old cliché and makes them all absolutely wonderful. He’s initially pretty demeaning towards women, but then, he’s really just trying to cover up his soft spot for pretty Ann. Everything he says is delivered with his chin jutted a little bit out and a suave layer of confidence in his voice. He’s the kind of guy you’d expect to be sitting on his porch 30 years later talking about how things just ain’t the same, bitter because everything’s so much easier than it was in his day. And I always like guys like that. They have good work ethic. They know what it’s like to bust your ass every day and soldier through the hard times, and that’s why Jack Driscoll rules. Plus, the guy went through a jungle and battled DINOSAURS to save the girl he loved. That’s hardcore.

Carl Denham is a man who I wouldn’t trust with my children. He’s got a twinkle in his eye like he can come up with a plan at any time, and when that one fails, he’s got another one. I don’t think he really saw any of this – the bloody, savage natives, the prehistoric creatures that by all logical means shouldn’t exist anymore, the giant mutant ape that takes young women as sacrifices – for what it was. He just saw dollar signs and gold bricks in their place. When his first plan to make a movie failed, he turned right around and found a different way to make money. He won’t take no for an answer, and that’s how you get famous. Although I doubt Denham was very popular anymore after Kong ravaged the entire city and put countless lives in danger. But that’s a different can of worms. Denham has personality, with the added italics to boot. He can convince you to do all the crazy stuff he wants, because he’s charming, well mannered, manly and doesn’t seem insane at all. And that’s downright horrifying when you consider the events that transpire in this film.

This movie rules. The scenes in the middle with the group sailing through the lake on the island with dinosaurs all around them prove it. It’s pure adventure and old-school, classic excellence. One of the films everyone needs to see before they die. Five giant man-slaughtering apes out of five.