Jingle All the Way (1996)

Well, Christmas has come and gone yet again, and I never did get around to reviewing a real Christmas movie in time. Damn it, just damn it – my own awful timing gets in the way yet again. What can I possibly do to make it up to you?

Director: Brian Levant

Starring: Arnold Schwarzennegger, Sinbad

IMDb

No, I don't think this counts. I don't think anyone in their right mind would consider Jingle All the Way a feasible manner of making amends with someone – unless you're apologizing for not annoying the ever loving piss out of your worst enemies this holiday season.

Oh, okay. It isn't that bad. Is it? IS IT?!

We start this one off with a Power Rangers-esque TV show for kids that I'm sure was made under the influence of all the leftover crack cocaine the studio execs had left over from the 1980s. Seriously, the way this is shot and the speed at which the action moves are so blitzkrieg fast, there isn't any fucking room for a story to be told. You'd have to be high on sugar to find this enjoyable.

When did they give the Ewoks Power Rangers costumes for Halloween, and when can we take them away again?

I didn't know the Flash's loser brother finally conned his way into a TV series.

...which, I suppose, would describe the majority of little children in the 90s and early 2000s. I mean have you seen their breakfast cereals? You could probably swim in an ocean of pure sugar and still be less energized and strung out than if you ate a bowl of Cinammon Toast Crunch.

Anyway, our main characters are well-to-do upper middle class white people with no serious problems. The father, Howard, is played by the obvious choice for any Christmas movie, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Apparently the big crisis in this movie is him not coming to his kid's karate class on time and not buying his kid a pre-processed action figure because he spent all his time working in the office to pay the bills – what a fucking tragedy, I tell you. Why was I ever worried about all those starving orphans/Charles Dickens characters in the streets on Christmas morning huddled around fires trying to stay warm? Clearly these people have it worse.

I do love the scene where he's trying to get to the class on time. He's stopped by a cop for driving in the emergency lane, which could have killed or seriously injured any number of people in any number of ways. I just feel so bad that he got stopped by that mean old cop for that little detail.

"You could have killed someone waiting in this lane for medical or mechanical assistance!"
"But officer, I have to get to my son's karate show on time!"
"Oh, well in that case...you're still a complete douche and should be arrested."

And then by the time he gets there, the place is cleared out and the janitor is mopping the floor:

"I don't know what happened, Mr. Schwarzenegger. The kids were so bad at karate, the parents just snatched them up and sprinted for home as soon as they could!"

Uh, how late DID Howard leave for that karate match? If he promised he'd be there on time and then got there THAT late, I highly doubt it was just the cop who held him up. Either he was way too far away to ever get there on time, or everyone just rocket-sped out of there, burning their heels on the hard linoleum floor, because the karate match was so bad.

Also, was it too much to ask for a scene of Jake Lloyd (who plays the son, Jamie) trying to break one of those wooden blocks in the karate match, failing horribly and breaking his hand? C'mon. Throw me at least that bone, movie.

"OW! MY HAND!"

At home, Howard gets a tongue-lashing from his wife because hey, him actually doing shit to pay the bills on time and support his family is a rotten thing to do. Plus, it's a Christmas movie – having a father who realistically balances work and family life at all would be stupid and inconsequential to the movie's poorly written plot.

Then he goes upstairs and talks to Jamie about how sorry he is, asking if he can make it up to Jamie in any way. After a bit of prodding, Jamie finally shouts that he wants a Turbo-Man action figure, which Howard promises him and fixes their little spat. I love this - “You can miss all my karate matches if you buy me that commercial piece of plastic! In fact, you can quit your job and be a deadbeat dad and never see us again if you buy it for me! That's how warped my sense of things being equal is!”

"I just may take you up on that last bit, son."

Later on we get some talk from the wife asking if he bought the toy for Jamie yet, to which Howard lies and says yes. Wait a minute – if they knew Jamie wanted this toy - and they had to, considering he watched that Turbo-Man show like an old lady watches televangelists - why didn't they buy it for him already? The dialogue establishes that it's near Christmas eve by now. You'd think they would have known their own son well enough to BUY him the fucking action figure BEFORE he had to tell his dad to get it as a way to make up for missing karate class!

Sigh. The next day we get Howard's manic trek to find that damn action figure before the end of the day so Jamie can someday pass on a similar soul-sucking corporate mindset to his own children and further the Ouroboros-like cycle of cynicism that American culture is becoming...oh, I'm sorry, wrong meeting. The meeting at the docks is tomorrow night. Tonight it's Christmas family movie time!

We get introduced to Sinbad somewhere in the movie's jittery mess of a story, playing Myron, a postal worker who I am sure needs therapy of some kind to undo whatever is wrong with him. Why would I say something so cruel? Well, look at this.

That's what he does immediately upon Howard striking up a conversation with him. Was he just waiting to unleash that tantrum on anyone who spoke to him, or does he just do it to everyone he speaks to? Either way, I'm scared as shit now.

The look on Schwarzenegger's face pretty much sums it up, yeah: "What did I do with my life to get here?"

This movie is like 84 minutes long, and takes up a shitload of its runtime with brainless slapstick in the stores as everyone in this city apparently waited until Christmas Eve to buy Turbo Man toys. Who actually bought these things in the first place if ALL THESE PEOPLE are stampeding at the gates to get them the day before Christmas? Did they just order a shockingly low number of them to begin with? What gives?

Oh well. Just throw in more scenes of people tripping over things set to overly jubilant music, that'll fix it!

In his natural environment.

If you can believe it, there's also a scene where Howard gets taken to an underground black market for toys where for some reason, despite everyone just working from there, they're all wearing Santa costumes. Yes, every one of them. Really not much for unique costuming, are you? Or is this just supposed to be some kind of Santa cult of sorts? Either answer is enough to send your brain cells leaping off a cliff in a mass-suicide attempt, so pick your own answer.

If you can believe that, well, the movie is about to really test your sanity with a fight scene between Howard and a bunch of these Santas. Yes, really.

Also throughout the movie, we get scenes of this other guy, Ted, a next door neighbor trying to put the moves on Howard's wife. He's so un-subtle about it, I'm surprised he doesn't just kidnap the wife and prompt Schwarzennegger to revert to his past life as an action star to save her.

If only...

But that doesn't happen. Instead we get some more slapstick, and a scene with Myron going on another improv rant in a bar in the middle of the day, this time raving about a toy he wanted as a kid. I give credit to Sinbad for trying to flesh out this ridiculously underwritten, sloppy script – as a lot of his lines were just made up on the spot by him while filming apparently – but seriously, this is as funny as a stubbed toe. The first time was pretty funny, but this really isn't.

Then through another overly long and stupidly complicated chain of events, Howard and Myron find their way to some radio station promising to give away a Turbo Man doll. When they find out the station doesn't have it, they end up destroying the place and getting the cops called on them. Myron, being a stand-up guy, pretends to have a bomb package to throw off the cops. I guess he's just banking on the fact that his face is so forgettable in a crowd that they can lose him and he won't ever be arrested for this.

Except, it turns out, when one of the packages he happened to have at random IS a bomb:

And next up on 'scenes you'd never see in a movie these days'...

I guess it was just one of those bombs that makes you look comedically frazzled, and doesn't seriously hurt you. Oh, well, those are okay then.

After a bunch more boring things happen, including Howard trying to steal a present from Ted's house and Howard's wife all-but-divorcing him, Howard ends up dressed in a Turbo Man outfit for the parade going on. He doesn't have a chance to explain that he isn't supposed to be there, because like all professional productions, they don't give him a chance to talk and instead just shove him into an outfit. You know, because that wouldn't create all sorts of potential problems in real life, right?

You know, I really can't see how, even in a fictional universe, ANYONE thought having that pink monstrosity would be a good idea in a story. I mean it looks like cotton candy vomit from a grizzly bear.

Oh, and Myron shows up as the Turbo Man villain, too, which is so stupid I don't even have words for it. Oh wait yes I do – it's absolutely insane that he would somehow come to the conclusion to dress up as that character on purpose just to get the doll they're giving away as a prize. Seriously, the brain cells are heading toward the cliffside like lemmings here. Someone stop the madness!

On the float, apparently no one stops to think that maybe the two guys fighting and screaming at each other in an intensely personal way ISN'T part of the stunt. Including when Jamie comes up and kicks Myron in the balls – I guess that part was part of the routine! I wonder if the parade people pay for the surgery that comes with ruptured testicles.

What a low blow. This kid is in for a good career as a cast member of the Bad Santa remake in a few years.

Also, apparently the parade people were able to get their hands on a rocket jetpack that can actually let Howard fly way up in the air with no protection or instruction. Another reason I'm really glad those idiots running the parade were SO DISCERNING with who they let wear that costume!

None of these images needed to be seen by mortal eyes.

After a climax that involves Myron chasing Jamie up to a roof top and almost killing him for the doll, we get our happy ending where Howard reunites with his family and all is good again. Myron, I assume, gets arrested and sent to jail for the numerous heinous crimes he's committed, the first and foremost of which is subjecting us to his performance in the movie. Ha ha ha! Man, I crack myself up.

…

So, yeah, this was completely insane. Nothing about it worked, from the scant runtime mostly taken up by over-long slapstick sequences, to the directing which was as boring and slack-jawed as it could get without any notion of pacing or comedic timing, to the plot which seemed to have been written by a group of monkeys on Ritalin and the acting, which was about as good as you'd expect from everything else in this – it's clear that not a lot of work was put into making any of this, despite the actors' best efforts.

While I like the idea this movie was trying to convey - a sort of satire of the rampant consumerism and rushing to get materialistic shallow Christmas gifts for children - the movie really just doesn't pull it off well, and instead comes off as stupid, rushed and thoughtless most of the time, with little wit or clever jokes.

But strangely, I don't really regret seeing it. Through all of its complete bonkers insanity on every level, the film reaches a sort of zen level of “so bad its good” schadenfreude. It really is fun to watch when you've got friends around who are eager to rip into it with you. For that, I'd say it's worth a watch. Plus, I did like it when I was a kid!

Don't tell anybody that last part, though. I have an image to uphold.

Oh, and merry Christmas and all that, yadda yadda. Until next year!

Images copyright of their original owners. I own none of them.

A Christmas Story (1983) Tribute

This movie really doesn’t need an introduction, but I am giving it one anyway. A Christmas Story is director Bob Clark’s triumph. A pure tale of nostalgia that everyone can’t help but love, and I’ve never really seen anyone say otherwise. And it’s odd because this is, essentially, a film without a story or conflict. It’s like watching a scrapbook of old family memories, and surprisingly, comes out as one of the best Christmas movies you’ll ever see. Am I a few days late on this, now that Christmas is over? No, because Christmas is never over on Cinema Freaks!

Director: Bob Clark

Starring: Peter Billingsly, Darren McGavin

IMDb

The first main selling point is Bob Clark’s directing. He does a great job of making this movie flow easy and smooth, and no matter what the subject matter, be it writing a paper in school or walking home and defending oneself from bullies, everything is given weight and gravity. Everything seems important, because to a little kid like main character Ralphie (Peter Billingsly), it is important – it’s life or death stuff. This is not a Christmas movie because it has Santa and snow and snowmen in it than a Christmas movie because it deals with family and memories, and Christmas is largely a time for memories that a family holds dear for years to come. There are so many humorous twists and turns here, from the infamous “leg lamp” debacle that the father is up in arms over...

to the infamous “Ovaltine decoder ring” tragedy...

...as well as the mother’s “wash your mouth out with soap” thing (the scene where Ralphie envisions a future where he goes blind because of this is priceless):

And they just keep on coming. Everything in this movie is imbued with the greatest sense of whimsical wonder and off-the-wall energy, bouncing from topic to topic with little coherence because that’s the way a kid’s mind would really work, in a nonlinear fashion with little coherency. And it is wonderful. The whole thing is tied together with Ralphie's attempts at getting this toy rifle, which everyone keeps telling him "you'll shoot your eye out," and thus refusing him. If only they'd just give in and let him live out his fantasies of being the last old school gunslinger! Even Santa Claus doesn't give him what he wants.

The second selling point that makes this so good is Jean Shepherd’s voice-overs as adult Ralphie looking back on everything years later, and without this, even Clark’s direction wouldn’t be as spotlessly perfect for this. Shepherd’s voice is old and hoary but he is full of verve and excitement too, remembering times when the world seemed bright and colorful. We never see anything about where Ralphie is now as an adult, because it isn’t particularly important. He’s well-off enough to sit down and tell this story for us, and that’s all that matters. Everything is focused on the childhood, the looking-back, the nostalgia. Shepherd moves the movie forward and keeps us as excited as he is – he sounds interested, so we are interested. The kooky fantasies and daydreams are just icing on the cake, and they're all really vivid and funny in just how oddball they are. But every kid had these fantasies, or ones like them, and so they're instantly relatable and likable too.

Of course, this wouldn’t be as good either without the strength of the actors. Darren McGavin as the Old Man is brilliantly over the top and zany, the perfect overly exuberant dad who tries too hard and Melinda Dillon as the overly exuberant mom that worries too much are both a ton of fun and play off each other really well. Though I wouldn’t bet on their children growing up overly sane with how caustic they constantly are. But at least they’re not the kind of parents who would dress their son up in a pink bunny outfit…

Oh, well, I recall my statement. Seriously, how is that a good gift for a nine year old boy? Whoever sent that must’ve been high.

Peter Billingsly as Ralphie is also great, and has to carry many of the scenes by himself, which is tough for a kid – and he does a very good job, becoming at once likable and also having the typical kid stuff like selfishness and a short-sighted scope of the world…he hasn’t grown out of them yet and the movie is touchingly realistic for all that. The scene where he finally beats up the bully who’s been tormenting him all movie long is one of the best in the film. He beats the shit out of him and then breaks down crying. A touching and emotional moment.

And that’s what it really comes down to with A Christmas Story. It’s not a movie you can stick in one genre because it’s full of every genre, from comedy to tragedy and everything in between, because life can’t be pigeonholed into one genre. This is a film that covers all of it, from the good to the bad to the awkward; the touching and the zany; the wild and exuberant and the quiet and mellow. Christmastime is a time for family and memories that end up being something one cherishes, even the most cringe-worthy moments, because in the end it all ends up OK. A Christmas Story is like watching a family photo album come to life, and you get a lot more out of it than you would from a photo album with great direction, great characters, great performances…this is just an all-around stellar Christmas movie.

I don’t really have much to add with this, as it’s a classic and everything about it has pretty much already been said. There isn’t anything I can say that people don’t already know about it, but I’m posting this anyway as a tribute to one of the best feel-good movies around, and a true Christmas classic. I may not get to watch a ton of Christmas movies every year, but this one is always one I throw on. If you haven’t seen it, you’re missing out, and if you have, then you’ll be nodding your head in agreement with every paragraph of this. A Christmas Story is the kind of thing I’d be proud to find under my tree every year.

Images copyright of their original owners.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989)

Starring: Chevy Chase, Beverly D'Angelo, Randy Quaid

Director: Jeremiah Chechik

IMDb: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097958/

Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/National_Lampoon's_Christmas_Vacation

"If that thing had nine lives, you just spent 'em all." -Cousin Eddie

Well, it is Christmas Eve and I have decided to celebrate it by reviewing a modern classic and one of my personal holiday favorites.

The third in the "Vacation" series, the film stars Clark Griswold, once again played by Chevy Chase, and the rest of his family as he attempts to put together the prefect Christmas. But as you can imagine, things do not go as planned, and he has to do some quick thinking in order to advert disaster.

This movie is great because it shows what people both love and hate about the Christmas season. On the one hand, you get to admire the tree, the decorations, and the dinners, and to immerse yourself in the nostalgia of your childhood. On the other hand, you have the difficulty of actually getting and setting up the tree, the lights, the dinner, etc. You also have the annoying boss (Brian Doyle-Murray) who acts like a Scrooge and gets in the way of your big present for the year. And, of course, you have the annoying relatives. True, there are Clark's kind parents (John Randolph and Diane Ladd), but they are countered by his condescending in-laws (E.G. Marshall and Doris Roberts) and his absent minded uncle and aunt (William Hickey and Mae Questel, respectively).

Most if not all of us have had to go through these trails and tribulations, and this films lays them all out in the open. Clark tries to manage all of this with a smile on his face, but that smile is a painful one, coupled with a number of snide remarks that seem to slide just enough under the radar to prevent him from getting in trouble. It is the kind of performance that only some actors can pull off, but funnyman Chase is one of them. While his desire for an idealistic holiday borders on the obsessive and at times his sanity seems to be unravelling as quickly as his plans, you can still sympathize with him since we all want to have a great time at this point in the year and are therefore frustrated when it does not work out.

Now I would not be able to do a proper review of this movie without mentioning Cousin Eddie, played once again by Randy Quaid. He is basically the epitome of the relative you wish would not show up for at Christmas (in this case, he was not even invited). He is rude, crude, loud, and a constant headache for Clark. His ineptitude causes much of the problems that plague his relatives and leads to many of the funniest parts in the film. So why he a positive in this flick as opposed to an annoyance? First of all, Quaid (who has done this type of role in other films with mixed results) plays the character to perfection; he is annoying, but "a good kind" of annoying. Secondly, he is not necessarily a bad person. He is genuinely gracious when Clark helps him pay for his own family's gifts and even tries to repay him...granted, in a crazy and highly illegal fashion. Lastly, as I mentioned before, he is relatable. Everyone has a Cousin Eddie in the family, or at least someone similar to him. You cannot help but laugh because you know exactly how it feels.

All that pretty much emphasises the main point of the film. It shows that even during the holidays, life is not prefect, no one within this life is prefect, and the various problems that result from these facts will pop up whether you want them to or not. Still, everyone tries to make the best of it, and with a little bit of luck and patience, they can all still have a joyous time together.

What can I say? I love this movie! It has memorable characters played by a talented cast (many of whom went on to do a number of famous parts on TV and other films), a lot of funny scenes and lines, a great soundtrack (particularly the main theme) and it has enough heart to make it a really solid and entertaining movie for the whole family. Well...kind of. There are some crude parts to it and a lot of slapstick which may turn some people off, especially if they have younger children. But generally speaking, it is very enjoyable. In case you are wondering, I am not going to rank this against the other "Vacation" movies since I have not seen them in a long time, if at all. I am also not going to be seeing or reviewing the direct-to-DVD spin-off "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure" because...it is the direct-to-DVD spin-off "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure." And I do not think I need to because his film stands out just fine on its own.

I definitely recommend it.

Have a Merry Christmas!

The images and links on this page do not belong to me; they are copyrighted by their respective owners and are being used for entertainment purposes only. Please do not sue me. Or Cousin Eddie.

Review: The Santa Clause (1994)

Director: John Pasquin

Starring: Tim Allen, Judge Reinhold, Wendy Crewson

Website: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0111070/

With all the countless movies made for families about Santa Claus, with their jolliness, holiday cheer and just a little bit of risqué jokes for extra measure…this film is another one. The Santa Clause, starring Tim Allen, tells a heartwarming story of a man who became Santa Claus and was briefly estranged and alienated by his family and friends before becoming accepted…as being Santa Claus…okay, okay, it’s a weird-ass, schmaltzy flick without much common sense, sue me.

This film does have some problems. I mean, the whole idea is that whoever puts on the Santa suit after Santa is dead or incapacitated in any way becomes the new Santa, right? Well what if a Jew or a Muslim or a Scientologist became Santa? I guess the elves would make due, but all I’m saying is, they should be grateful that Tim Allen was so reasonable about it. Hell, what if nobody put on the Santa suit in time for Christmas? Seems like that’d be a pretty big fucking deal. Maybe they have some secret back up plan that the movie isn’t telling us about?

But fortunately for the elves, Tim Allen puts on the suit and although he’s initially suspicious and apprehensive, he grows very quickly accustomed to the idea and makes a 180 turn in terms of morals and thoughts about it. Too fast, I think. I mean we’re barely given any time to accept this whole thing in the first place, and yet with the movie’s quick editing it seems like Allen barely has a second thought about it, going straight from Scrooge-esque disgruntlement to immediate acceptance in the bat of an eye. Not really convincing, movie.

After Allen’s rendezvous to the North Pole, along with his incredibly annoying little boy, the kid starts to tell everyone about his dad’s new job. Why does Allen keep letting him though? This is the kind of thing I’d like to call the Idiot Effect, a snowballing of events that propel the film’s plot forward, but could have very easily been avoided if the characters just had a little more intelligence. Why does Allen keep letting the kid blab to everyone and thus flush his self image down the drain? It could all be solved by just one sentence of dialogue: “Hey, listen, don’t tell anybody about what happened last night.” That’s it. That is all that is needed. Then none of the problems in this movie would have happened, and maybe we could have spent our time better actually delving deeper into the whole Santa mythos that this movie obviously put time into. It seems like the film has a priority issue here, that’s the main problem.

My last issue with the film is that it’s just resolved all too quickly, the whole entire thing. Allen comes to term with his being Santa and decides to give it his full effort, but his ex wife and her new husband are afraid of him and think he kidnapped their son. He brings the kid back, escapes the police with the help of his James Bond-style elves (I know, just go with it) and everything is pretty much fine, resolved quicker than you can count to three on one hand. Give us some more conflict! This just is not enough, and I know there could have been more effort put into it.

Really, this is just a decent film. There are a lot of little plotholes and things they could have fixed if they just tried harder, but it is a charming film. I like the way the elves have all that futuristic technology and I like the way they set up the Santa mythos. Tim Allen does OK, even though the kid playing his son pretty much sucks. But what can you expect? It’s a kid’s movie, a dime-a-dozen family flick from the 90s that pretty much went through the motions. It’s fun, but it’s unspectacular.

Joyeux Noel (Merry Christmas) (2005)

Starring: Benno Furmann, Guillaume Canet, Daniel Bruhl

Director: Christian Carion

IMDb: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0424205/

Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joyeux_Noël

"Joyeux Noel" (or "Merry Christmas" in English) is a 2005 French film about the real-life World War I Christmas truce. It focuses on a number of German, French, and Scottish soldiers who in December of 1914 lay down their arms in order to put a stop to the fighting, if only briefly, and fraternize with each other.

This movie kind of has an unfair advantage. I say this because it was probably going to be good no matter what anyone did to it just because it is such an amazing story. Well, then again, anything is possible, especially in the realm of film making; I guess we should be thankful that this was a foreign film as opposed to one created by Hollywood. Anyway, whatever the case, it turned out very well. It did a fantastic job of showing the difficulties of fighting a war against those with such a similar culture and who under normal circumstances would be your friendly neighbors instead of the people who you are being ordered to kill. While there are strands of uneasiness and animosity, the troops genuinely want to be at peace with their counterparts, as they drink together, exchange information about themselves and their living conditions in the trenches, and even play soccer against one another (okay, they're European, so its technically football).

You know how when you are a little kid (or even as an adult) you get really depressed when Christmas comes to an end? Well...how do you think these guys must have felt? Almost needless to say, the soldiers on both sides find it very difficult to go back to the bloodshed after two days of harmony. They refuse to shoot the enemy, and even go so far as to hide them in their respective trenches during artillery bombings. Eventually, however, the military leaders intervene and the inevitable realities of war rear their ugly heads. Still, the extraordinary peace that these men experienced during those few days remains with them, if only in mind and spirit.

I know this review seems more like a summery than an actual critique, but that is mostly because the story itself does reveals most of the emotion and power involved in the movie. As I mentioned, there was the small possibility of that it would fail, but this was far from the case. The performances are excellent, there are a number of great lines exchanged between the characters and the music that is sung or played throughout the picture is fantastic. All of these factors make it a really wonderful and inspiring film to watch anytime of the year, but especially over the holidays, and I strongly recommend it.

This review, while a little short, seems like a fitting one to post on the site on Christmas Eve, though more reviews will be featured before the year comes to a close. Merry Christmas.

Gremlins (1984)

Starring: Hoyt Axton, Zach Galligan, Phoebe Cates

Director: Joe Dante

IMDb: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0087363/

Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gremlins

Don't you hate it when all you want for Christmas is this...

...and you end up with this?

Well, that is pretty much what happens in "Gremlins," the 1984 classic produced by Steven Spielberg and written by Chris Columbus of later "Home Alone" fame, that introduced everyone to the fury little creatures that become a big problem.

The movie starts off with Randall "Rand" Peltzer (Hoyt Axton) shopping around for a Christmas gift for his son in a sketchy area of Chinatown (I guess Macy's is closed at that hour). He ends up in a shop where he finds a strange creature called a Mogwai. He is told that there are three important rules that must be followed in order to care for the creature:

1) It cannot be exposed to bright light

2) It cannot come into physical contact with water

3) Most important of all, it cannot be fed after midnight

Gee, I don't see any of these rules being broken during of the course of the movie, do you? He nicknames it Gizmo and the cute creature is a hit with his teenage son Billy (Zach Galligan). However, when Gizmo is accidentally exposed to water (what a shock), five new Mogwai are formed from him and are much more devious in nature. Using sneaky tactics, they manage to get a hold of food after midnight (double shock), and multiply into a whole army of Mogwai, now called Gremlins, who go about terrorizing the town.

The movie is, in short, fun. While technically classified as a horror comedy, it is more the latter than the former. The Gremlins are not so much scary as they are obnoxious (in a good way). While they do attack people and cause a few deaths, they spend most of their time trashing the places they go to and partying. For instance, they sabotage a local bar by drinking, smoking, throwing things around, shooting each other (yes, they have guns, don't ask me why), and acting generally very rowdy. It is actually more of a dark comedy than anything else, with the Gremlins and their victims dying in several gruesome yet funny fashions (which are fair tame by today's standards). I think my favorite part is when they tamper with the stairlift of the Scourge of the town, Mrs. Deagle (Polly Holiday), sending her flying out the window of her house. Yes, that sounds a bit cruel, but believe me, its funny when you see it.

The most stark example of this type of format is the now infamous scene where Billy's love interest, Kate (Phoebe Cates) tells about a tragedy from her past that explains why she dislikes Christmas. This scene was very controversial, with apparently both studio executives and even Spielberg himself being very unhappy with it, but director Joe Dante fought to keep it in and that is where it remained. To be honest, I thought the scene was a little out of place; most of the humor comes from cartoon violence, not from a girl's childhood trauma of losing a parent. But I guess that is why it works: it comes almost out of nowhere to hit you over the head and then it is never spoken of again. So even though it is a rather bizarre scene to include in a movie about creatures that look like an 80s version of Furby dolls, I am glad they kept it.

Despite the viciousness, the movie also has a bit of heart to it. The characters are all generally very likable; I especially liked the mom (Frances Lee McCain) for her ability to take out three of the little bastards all by herself. And the innocent Gizmo helps bring a level stability to the madness as the one Gremlin who tries to stop his evil counterparts. Despite his problems with the "Kate scene," it becomes quite clear upon viewing that Spielberg had influence over the making of the film. It has a strong "E.T."-like atmosphere, and at least two scenes make a referencing to that particular Spielberg picture. Overall, I say the movie does a good job of juggling the different emotions of happiness, creepiness, and hilarity all within a single story.

Well, I can't think of anything else to say, so I'll just leave it at that. It's a good movie, for the holidays or otherwise, and I recommend it.

Bad Santa (2003)

Starring: Bill Bob Thornton, Tony Cox, Brett Kelly

Directed by Terry Zwigoff

IMDb: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0307987/

Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bad_Santa

Here is your Christmas movie. And it seems fitting that this "honor" goes to one of the more popular holiday favorites of recent years, 2003's "Bad Santa".

The movie stars Billy Bob Thornton as Willie Stokes, the definitive example of a bad department store Santa. He loves booze, he loves women, and he hates his life. He is also a crook. Along with his dwarf friend Marcus (Tony Cox) as "Santa's Little Helper," he goes around year after year working at different department stores as a Santa before breaking into them and skipping town. The problem with all this is that he ends up blowing everything he "earns" on sex, alcohol, and lottery tickets. So when he gets a call from Marcus about a possible scheme in Phoenix, he jumps at the opportunity.

While there, he runs into a host of interesting characters. First is a dumb but sweet-hearted kid named Thurman Merman (Brett Kelly), who's name is not revealed until very late in the film because Willie never bothers to learn it, instead referring to him as "kid". Treating him like every other human being he encounters, Willie berates him with an endless stream of insults and obscenities, but the blank-eyed Thurman seems immune to his criticisms and he eventually warms up to him. Willie also forms a relationship with a sexy bartender (Lauren Graham) who takes an interest in him because she has a thing for Santas. Yes, that is exactly what it sounds like. However, she also finds him charming as a person...for some reason...and she and Thurman both help him turn his life around. He must also contend with the meek mall manager Bob Chipeska, played by John Ritter, who died before the film was released and whom it is dedicated to. Chipeska rightfully does not trust Willie, and secretly tries to dispose of him with the assistance of the store's tough head of security Gin Slagel, played by Bernie Mac (Jesus, the mortality rate the film's supporting cast is really low, isn't it?). However, Slagel has alternative motives for finding out about the scheme. Willie and Marcus must deal with this while the former also teaches Thurman about being tough, which concludes with Willie postponing his suicide attempt in order to physically attack a teenage bully. Nice guy.

This film is funny. Thornton has the appearance and the attitude of a guy who is at the bottom of the barrel and is the antagonist of all the qualities that he is supposed to represent as Saint Nicholas. At the same time, he manages to remain likable enough so that he does not become completely unsympathetic as a character, nor does it look entirely realistic when he inevitable becomes a nicer person as the movie progresses. The other characters are also amusing and there is also a lot of good back and forth banter between them, particularly between Thornton and Ritter, as well as Ritter and Mac.

Do I have any criticism for the film? Not a lot. I guess you can say that it is not really a sophisticated comedy; generally speaking, it really is Thornton getting drunk, yelling and swearing for almost two hours. That did not really bother me that much since I was more or less expecting that, though it did get a tad old after a while. The only other issues I had: some minor plot holes here and there and that the ending was also a little over-the-top.

All that being said, it was still a funny and enjoyable movie and I recommend it.