The Bottom 20: The Worst Movies I Have Ever Seen

Okay, so in lieu of actually reviewing stuff for the past two weeks, I've been compiling the worst and best movies I've ever seen. Keep in mind this is all subjective, and even more, that my list may change in the future! That's the beautiful thing about art and the human mind. You can change your likes and dislikes any time. In no way are you bound to what you put down on paper.

With that said, I thought I'd start off with the bad first again, since I want to leave you on a better impression with the good stuff next. These are the worst movies I've ever seen. Most of them are things I've reviewed, yeah, and the actual reviews will go more into depth. But as my reviews are often humorously exaggerated, I thought I'd give more of an impression on what I personally, seriously think are the worst movies out there. They're not the SyFy-level low budget crapfests like Bear or the Asylum version of 11/11/11 - those films are what they are, and it's simply not worth really hating them. These films are ones that I personally just think are the worst out there, artistically or for moral reasons.

With no further ado, let's get on with it!

20. I Know Who Killed Me

Purely a mess, this film, which won almost every Razzie the year it came out, is the definition of a cinematic train wreck. Nothing about it works and nothing about it is enjoyable. Stupid, wrongheaded and incredibly poorly written, I Know Who Killed Me is a dud.

19. Idle Hands

Where is the worth in this thing? It’s the bottom of the barrel for garbage stoner humor. Idle Hands is a film for wastoid, worthless burnout morons, and a clear sign that the 90s – that decade of charmingly likable stoner humor – was over. After this, there really was no going back.

18. The Descent 2

Literally just thoughtless. There really was no plot to this thing for most of the runtime, and what plot there was just contradicted the first film and made absolutely no sense. I’d rather be in a coma than see this again, and frankly, seeing it is one of the most surefire ways to get in a coma in the first place. Hideous.

17. Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation

So awful that it almost becomes brilliant. Almost being the key word.

16. Poltergeist III

Just undeniably worthless. A few interesting trippy special effects near the end can’t save one of the worst horror movie scripts I’ve ever seen in my life. This movie made me angry with how inept and mean spirited it was towards its characters and the franchise as a whole.

15. Hellraiser: Hellseeker

I hate almost all of these movies, but Hellseeker had to be the worst of the ones I sat through. Slow, boring, confusing and obnoxious, Hellseeker is just a headache and a half. Your time could be better served driving nails through your own head. It would have about the same effect.

14. Deadgirl

I didn’t really hate this film, because it’s simply too silly and inept to truly hate, but the morals and message behind this are so despicable and so prominent in your face that not having Deadgirl on a ‘worst movies’ list would be a crime. This is a misogynistic, hateful piece of trash that falls on its own face so much that it becomes almost as humorous as it is pathetic.

13. Hannibal

This has got to be one of the most inept films I’ve ever seen, with no clear purpose or meaning to the script, confusing character action and a horrendously unbalanced, lopsided pacing. As a movie on its own, it’s terrible, but as a sequel to Silence of the Lambs, it’s an outright disgrace.

12. Romeo + Juliet

Shakespeare is rolling in his grave. Thanks a lot, Baz Luhrman…you bastard.

11. Hollow Man

Like Deadgirl, this is incredibly misogynistic and hate-filled, but unlike Deadgirl it is much more outright offensive and blatantly unlikable. Animal violence, violence against women…it’s just a catalogue of misery. This was just an excuse for the director to act out his sick fantasies.

10. Aeon Flux

Blah, blah, blah, the cartoon was probably better than this, I get it. But Aeon Flux as a movie is wholly unredeemable. A collection of confusing plot elements and annoying writing, this is just an insipid experience.

9. The Box

I’m fairly sure that, in some parallel universe, it is a jailable offense to even watch this film, so hackneyed and unenjoyable as it is. Pretentious, unpleasant and nonsensical, it's just a feat of amazement that this ever got off the cutting room floor. The fact that The Box exists is just an insult to mankind’s creative process as a whole. Director Richard Kelly also made Donnie Darko; that should tell you enough, but this movie is actually far, far worse.

8. Old Dogs

A comedy about as funny as it is charming: that is, straight zero on both counts, all across the board. This movie is literally the most soulless corporate pandering I think you can get in a movie without simply having the actors hold up signs that say ‘GIVE US MONEY’ at random points. I’m not opposed to low brow comedy, it can be pretty funny when done with a certain energy and relentless disregard for good taste…but Old Dogs is simply the sell out to end all sell outs. Perhaps the least funny movie I have ever seen.

7. Black Dahlia

Long, boring, terribly, TERRIBLY written and by the end of it, you will be chomping at the bit to go beat up Brian De Palma for unleashing this film on humanity. There are so many bad things in this movie, even my 3000+ word review couldn’t cover all of them. Despite having talented actors at his disposal, De Palma couldn’t make anything in this moronic script come off as even the slightest bit convincing.

6. The Uninvited

The Uninvited, a remake of the only average Tale of Two Sisters, is one of the most unexpectedly painful and horrible experiences I’ve ever had in a movie. Just riddled with poor writing and plot holes out the ass, this film is just unbearable, as the utter stupidity of it all will begin to weigh on you like a ton of bricks. The plot holes build on top of one another like a game of Jenga, and by the film’s enraging conclusion, you will wonder how anyone involved with this even has a job at all. I don’t even think beginning film school students could create something this thoughtless and jaw-droppingly horrible. It’s just a dumbfounding trip into the worst the human creative brain can offer.

5. CashBack

Another one that seems to think hating on women is cool. And all I have to say is, get bent, movie. This makes Jennifer’s Body look positively modest and chaste in comparison. A movie that teaches us that women’s bodies are only there for the whims of one nerdy, depraved art student who I CAN’T IMAGINE WHY got dumped by his girlfriend, CashBack is just appalling and should be shut up in an underground vault for all eternity, never to be released. Feeling sorry for any of the characters in this piss-pile is just impossible as all of them are about as likable as black fungus growing on your sandwich. The outright, blatant misogyny is just suffocating in how rotten its stench is, but the rest of the comedy is so boorish and sophomoric that not even fans of Old Dogs and Epic Movie would find it funny – they wouldn’t even crack a smile. One of the most offensive, tasteless things I have ever seen on film.

4. The Traveler

A festival of seemingly endless, tasteless gore, The Traveler is one of the more egregious and terrible examples of the worst trends in horror today. It substitutes realistic characters for horrible one-note jokes and screaming, raging assholes impossible to elicit any sympathy from, and tension and drama for gore and blood and guts. Movies like this are the reason why horror is in such a dire state nowadays, as there is simply nothing there to latch onto. The gore is unpleasant and far too realistic to be entertaining, and the story is boring and rote to extremes I didn’t know possible. There’s no creativity to be found and all this movie seems to want to do is show you seemingly non-stop scenes of these people getting murdered, without any reason to care, as every character is unlikable. This is just a hateful, spiteful film that gets worse and worse as it goes on, without even one iota of quality at all, and I was just at a loss for words at how this even got green lighted. Films like this will be the death of horror as a genre – the final nail in the coffin. Don’t support this, don’t rent it…just forget about it.

3. The Road

If you really like child abuse, little girls screaming in pain and non-stop scenes of nothing but undiluted misery and pain, The Road is for you. This movie is simply indefensible, with so many horrible things in it that it all just becomes white noise. The thing about torture and really grotesque, hardcore shit is that you need to build up drama and have something to really say beyond “hey, this is really hard to watch!” There needs to be some purpose, some commentary or some kind of underlying story that justifies the violence, because otherwise all you have is exploitative crap. With this film, all you get is more and more of the worst of humanity, without convincing enough writing to come across as realistic – oh, and the fact that there are ghosts and supernatural demons doesn’t help the 'realism' factor either. This has no idea what it wants to be, what it wants to say or who it’s appealing to.

2. American Psycho 2

American Psycho is possibly Christian Bale’s finest moment, a classic of modern cinema and has a lot of great social commentary on the bourgeois white-collar class of the 80s. This movie is none of those things, and completely ruins the first film in its first five minutes as it has Patrick Bateman killed off unceremoniously by a young girl. Mila Kunis wins my personal ‘worst actress ever’ award in this, but to be fair, nobody could have done well by the hack-work script. Most of this is ear-bleeding narration that literally becomes painful to listen to. You will really have to turn this off for a while to get a break from the constant self-indulgent prattle this movie tries to pass for a story. There really is no story, and the closest this movie gets to evoking anything but contempt and hatred is when you see a couple of college aged girls trying to sleep with their teacher, played by William Shatner, to get better grades. That won’t evoke contempt – just derisive, unbelieving laughter. I hope whoever greenlighted this film doesn’t sleep well at night anymore.

And my number 1 worst movie of all time is...

1. Rock n Roll Frankenstein

Words can’t even describe the pain that this movie inflicted on me, with its utter disregard for anything that would normally pass for an enjoyable film. I just...ugh...just, ugh; that's the best description. After I finished watching this movie, I turned to my friend and proclaimed it, instinctively, ‘the worst thing mankind has ever created.’ I remember standing in my kitchen afterwards and seriously thinking I would rather just stop reviewing movies instead of reviewing this one. People, there are certain limits a man has, and for me, it is when I see a movie about a bunch of guys that create a Frankenstein’s Monster-esque creature, give it a gay man’s penis, and then the monster is sexually confused because of it. That’s this whole movie. And I hate myself forever for just writing that…FOR THE SECOND TIME.

Christ. Just kill me now.

So that's my 'bottom 20' worst films ever list, for those of you who were interested. Stay tuned for the 'best' list tomorrow!

REVIEW: Red Mist (2008)

Several years ago, I reviewed a movie called Shrooms. It was one of my first reviews and helped shape the way I do things on this blog now. But little did I know that the director of Shrooms came out with another movie just a year later, and it is called Red Mist! Who am I, after all, to deprive you of the works of a man who gave you a film with a talking cow in it? Let’s see what ole Paddy Breathnach has been up to since the last time we caught up with him...

Director: Paddy Breathnach

Starring: Arielle Kebbel, other people maybe

Website: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1185264/

We start off with a bunch of medical students joking around and acting like jackasses, because hey, why bother having characters who are in any way likable or human at all? The lead girl is Arielle Kebbel, most famous for being in the holocaust of all things holy and good, The Uninvited – seriously, send this girl some flowers! She plays a girl named Cat. Her thing is that she’s independent and tough and doesn’t want a boyfriend, the last one being by far the most important aspect of her character, because 99% of women don’t have personalities outside of their boyfriends and relationships! So in this respect, Cat is a good character.

Really!

She and the rest of the jackasses go to some bar and exchange some dull dialogue trying to set her up with some guy, but she’s too tough to fall into a man’s arms right now, preferring instead to wait until the third act of the film to do that. This lasts until the crazy janitor guy, Kenneth, comes over and tells them that he knows they’re doing illegal drugs and threatens to go tell on them like a five year old, so they invite him back in and goad him into doing those drugs with them until he has a seizure from the blinking lights and goes into a coma!

Ah yes, don't YOU remember when YOU left comatose creepy janitors on the side of the road when you were in grad school? What, you don't? Oh...well I'll shut up then.

Then we get those tired scenes from every shitty-ass horror movie like this where the characters debate whether or not to tell the authorities – are we supposed to be invested or something? “Oh, I might actually have to face consequences for the stupid things I did? The horror!” Shut up Red Mist, you’re neither compelling nor relatable here. Oh, I forgot, and for some reason they all call him “Freakdog,” because that’s a sensible insult, right? You might as well have just called him “poopy pants,” like a proper two year old. But I guess this does serve as a poorly done way to shoehorn in a serial killer catchphrase, and it is better than anything My Soul to Take could come up with, so there is that.

Cat thinks about telling the authorities but eventually decides she doesn’t want to risk losing her scholarship either, and so she does the sensible thing and just starts pumping him full of illegal experimental drugs! Wait, what?

Yes, apparently that’s the conclusion this girl draws when she feels bad about something – just play God and use the person you feel bad for as a guinea pig. Truly a wonderful example of human decency this girl is! How do you even come to the conclusion to do this anyway?

Oh, and there’s also this guy:

He’s some kind of older doctor who works in the hospital and constantly acts like he’s a villain in a spy movie, constantly too serious and too over dramatic for this kind of performance. He’s supposed to be a doctor? Seems more like a disgruntled corporate lawyer than anything…

So yeah, if you can’t tell by the fact that I’m just rambling on now, the movie doesn’t have much substance. There are a lot of scenes of the characters talking about the same things over and over again. “Oh, we should tell the authorities, this is serious!” “No, we could lose our scholarships and reputations!” “Okay, but first let’s have this same conversation five more times!” AHHHHHHHHH!

What’s that? We’re in a horror movie, we’re forty minutes in and there aren’t any horror elements yet? That is completely asinine. Let’s fix that right away! So I guess the ghost of Kenneth the comatose tattletale janitor can possess peoples’ bodies for a few minutes now and make them kill other people, all because of Cat’s experimental drugs. He does this to the night security guard aaaaand one of the girls gets the axe:

Back up a minute though – he can jump into peoples’ bodies because Cat gave him a weird combination of drugs? What the hell? It’s very, very stupid and even worse because it’s so damn poorly explained! Is he some kind of supernatural voodoo person already? Or are the drugs supernatural? MAKE MORE SENSE YA DAMN MOVIE. Gosh. My whole week is just ruined because this movie doesn’t have a logical sequence of events!

So the one guy who has been a total jackass and the ringleader of the “protect our reputations by covering up the dead guy” club the whole movie…continues to be a total jackass! Surprised?! This whole character, and every other character like this in every other movie like this, is a plot-hole. I’m really supposed to believe that this guy, this heartless, petty whiner, is going to be a doctor someday? A doctor? Whose main priority is caring for patients and saving lives? I’ve met rocks with more affection for the human race!

Luckily for him, he gets killed off during a kinky sex scene in the janitor’s closet! Well, to be fair, that's how I'd want to go.

He thought he was just getting kinky bondage sex, but he got kinky bondage having-whisky-poured-down-his-throat...you gotta take what you can get, I guess.

What’s next, another scene of them standing around talking about how they have to keep the secret and blah blah blabbity blah? SKIP IT! We then get a Paddy Breathnach trademark from Shrooms in a death scene shown off screen, something not done as much here as in Shrooms, but annoying all the same, because it looks pretty damn gruesome and intriguing:

Uh, yeah, sorry to interrupt your candlelit slit wrists seance, but...you're kinda dead.

It’s the Paddy Breathnach way; just skip over anything that may have been interesting to watch and use the ‘what you don’t see is scarier!’ excuse. Because that’s good filmmaking, right?! Why are you running the other direction?!?

OK, so then we get some black-out where Cat wakes up in her underwear in a sleeping bag in the woods…? What…why…oh, screw it; if you expected this thing to start making sense now, you’re probably of the same descent as the director. We never get a real explanation for this scene, and even when she finds her clothes strewn around in the trees and her phone, with a convenient video on it to show her what happened…well, vaguely anyway. We don’t get to see much of it except that, apparently, SHE was possessed by Kenneth the tattletale janitor ghost guy! Which…mostly means nothing.

"I didn't get enough Likes on Facebook! Sob!"

We then see that Kenneth the tattletale janitor ghost is a pervert as he makes this other girl strip down to her underwear and cut herself with broken mirror shards! I wonder what Keifer Sutherland has to say about that!

She tried so hard but they just wouldn't pick her to be the extra in Marilyn Manson's new video...

Then Cat gets arrested for the murder of her kinda-sorta-boyfriend whatever guy, and the cop doesn’t seem to see anything weird about the fact that this girl and everyone she knows have been killing each other off lately…I guess he graduated from the Barney Fife school of police work. She splashes hot coffee on him and then runs away.

She ends up going to the hospital to kill Kenneth by turning on strobe lights to activate his epilepsy – which somehow still works even though he’s comatose… - and also strangling him and unhooking him from his life support. Uh, bit of an overkill there, girl – you coulda just unhooked him from the life support you know! Would have been easier and you wouldn’t have wasted so much energy. I mean sheesh. From the way this chick is going on, you’d think she was actually just a figment of Emily Browning’s imagination the whole time.

And ironically enough, this movie ends with Arielle Kebbel back where she belongs in a mental hospital, just like in The Uninvited! And because she was in that movie that I hated so damn much, I HATE THIS ONE TOO! Grrrrrr, hatred! There were maybe one or two scenes that worked in this thing, but most of it was just boring, and seriously confusing as to what the hell its premise was supposed to be about. None of the characters are likable and at no point do you really feel much empathy for them, so it just falls flat. All in all, would have been better with a talking cow in it; that’s my final verdict.

All images are copyright of their original owners and I do not own any of them. Also, all talking cows are copyright of their original owners, especially ones that are hallucinations brought on from bad 'shroom trips.

REVIEW: The Uninvited (2009)

Well now that we’re done with the Dracula movies, we can move onto…something even less likable and coherent.

Director: The Guard Brothers

Starring: Emily Browning, Arielle Kebbel, Elizabeth Banks

Website: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0815245/

First, a little bit of history. The Uninvited is a remake of a Korean film called A Tale of Two Sisters, about a girl who returns home after an extended stay in a mental hospital following her mother’s death. She gets paranoid and sees things only to wind up at a shocking twist ending. It wasn’t anything great, but it was sure as hell better than this haphazard, half-assed cobble of regurgitated clichés, horrible writing and unbelievable characters. Someone get the hose ready for this review. You might need to use it on me.

Our film starts off with a girl named Anna at a party making out with some guy when suddenly she decides she doesn’t want to. Due to the rather bland narration, we see it’s actually her recounting a dream she had to her psychiatrist. In the dream she comes across a garbage bag with a dead body in it that tells her not to go home. Thinking dead bodies talking are passé, she decides not to listen, and goes home anyway. Apparently her mom is sick in bed or something, and so she picks up a watering can, goes to leave and then watches the boating house her mom is staying in explode randomly. I guess that boating house was copyright ACME corporation 2009…out of work in cartoons, they turn now to making horrendous psychological horror movies. It’s a dark time for them.

That doesn't even look like it would make the cover of a Goosebumps book. It's more like 'Hallmark card trying to be SUPER SCARY for Halloween this year, but not too much, cause there's kids that buy these!'

The psychiatrist apparently decides this crazy dream means that Anna is A-OK to go home now! Her dad picks her up and takes her back home, where we’re introduced to the stepmother Rachel. Rachel is such a good person that she delivers lines like this one: “You look so skinny! Maybe I should go spend some time in the mental hospital too!” Yeah, real “funny.” About as “funny” as terminal cancer, in fact.

Then we get her sister Alex, who seems nice at first and just wants to talk about old times. That is until Anna asks when Rachel moved in with their dad, and then she turns into a moody, self-pitying, rude little whiner and stomps off angrily. Great character writing! Real people totally just change moods at the drop of a hat and no reason at all for doing so! And seriously, why didn’t Alex have to go to the mental hospital too? That’s pretty silly.

Whine whine whine cry cry cry...boring AND stupid!

After that we meet Matt, or rather, Generic White Boyfriend with No Personality. He tells Anna that he really knows what happened that night her mom died, only he gets stopped by Rachel, who tells him to leave. She suddenly acts all evil and secretive now for absolutely no reason at all and removes all doubt that she has something to do with whatever it was that happened – being that the writers couldn’t think of any other way to work suspicion into the story, they just threw all subtlety to the wind and said, ‘screw it! Just make her act all evil at random! Not disjointed or idiotic at all!’ Well I find that distasteful!

Pretty much after this the movie takes a huge nosedive into complete WTF territory as nothing makes any sense and the characters are reduced to devices to make the plot move forward. Writing so bad it makes your average internet fan fiction look good, and acting equal to that which you’d find on any given English dub of a German movie, oh my! Let’s go over some of the highlights:

There’s one part where Matt tells Anna to meet her at the Rock at 11 PM that night. She and Alex go up there and the way it’s shot makes it look like they wait for about a second before leaving, because right after they stop walking, the shot ends and goes to them in their room later. Geez. Impatient. Or terrible directing; either one fits.

But it’s OK, because Matt shows up in Anna’s room and tells her he fell off the rock and hit his back or something. So…get him to a hospital? Then he says he can’t feel his back, so of course the logical thing to do is start making out, right? Getting him to a hospital would be silly. Also, if he just fell off the rock, why didn’t he just climb back up and call to them for help? God, how many questions can a two minute scene like this raise? What are they doing?

Ha ha Anna, you made out with a dead guy! You so cool.

Whoops, turns out he’s a ghost anyway and his body is found the next day! This tragic event is so heartbreaking that they spend no time grieving for him and instead start conspiring to uncover Rachel as the killer. They go online and look up some random nonsense that they somehow twist around to mean that she isn’t who she says she is. Apparently there’s no record at all of her being a registered nurse. So what’s the logical thing to do? Apparently for Anna it’s to confront Rachel in her room. But Anna doesn’t just do it standing in the doorway, oh no. She actually SITS DOWN and LETS RACHEL CORNER HER before saying anything! That’s…that’s so stupid I can’t even articulate how stupid it is! YOU’RE PLAYING INTO THE ENEMY’S HANDS. SHE HAS YOU RIGHT WHERE SHE WANTS YOU. How dumb are you???

Dumb dumb dumb dumb, you're so dumb...

So yeah, after that Rachel continues to act completely two-faced and gives us no reason to doubt that she is indeed the murderer. There’s this whole scene in the kitchen where she’s preparing a turkey roast and stabbing it suggestively with sharp knives, and a bunch of silly jump scare hallucinations under the sink and…I don’t know. Just slap ‘GENERIC MODERN HORROR MOVIE SCENE #2751’ overtop a black screen and you’d have a similar effect.

You know, horror movie ghosts are stupid. They constantly jump out menacingly at the protagonist to try and get her attention to go do something to avenge them, but really when you think about it, why don't they just tell them calmly? Things would get done much faster that way.

And oh no, the dad won’t listen to his own daughters and dismisses everything they say without even thinking about it? Oh what a great character type; not like we haven’t seen this in a hundred other movies! And it’s not at all unrealistic and retarded, either…

So their dad leaves, leaving both girls with just Rachel to be rude to them and act like a creepy, evil serial killer. She snaps at them to wear something nice to Matt’s funeral…implying that they would just go in their pajamas otherwise? I don’t know. But it doesn’t stop Anna from just wandering off in the middle of the service to chase more hallucination ghosts! It’s not like Matt was her boyfriend or anything, right? Oh wait, he was. And this whole thing just got even dumber. I don’t even care that she went off to find an important plot element – if your movie can’t move a scene forward without making your characters look like insensitive jackasses, YOU NEED TO QUIT FILMMAKING. NOW.

The truest and most loyal girlfriend EVER, people!

So Alex and Anna go online again and I guess Google is great for finding out convenient murder histories, because they find the answers in like 2 seconds! Rachel is Mildred Kemp, a nanny who murdered a whole family just to win a father’s affections. It’s one thing if she had some kind of elaborate plan to make it look like an accident, but according to the movie she SEDATED AND STABBED THE KIDS SEVERAL TIMES. How was that supposed to work? Was the father just supposed to go “Oh, my kids went missing and are probably dead? LET’S HOOK UP AND GET MARRIED! WOOHOO!” Y’know, movie, using ‘crazy’ as an excuse for every plot-hole and vague, un-thought-out aspect of your story you have…isn’t exactly smart writing.

Also, you wanna know how the girls KNOW FOR SURE that Rachel is Mildred Kemp? They saw a picture of the wife of this dead family with a similar necklace to the one Rachel has. Yeah. Because lord knows a generic looking pearl necklace couldn’t possibly be obtained by any other means than murdering a woman and taking them from her, right? I’m glad you make so much sense, The Uninvited. Next you’ll be telling me everyone who has the same favorite cereal as the Zodiac Killer could have been him. Maybe David Fincher should make a movie about that. Maybe he should learn from this movie’s groundbreaking intellect, right?

So it can’t get worse than that, right? Oh please, of course it can. Rachel confronts the girls and almost drugs Anna, but she gets away. Alex however, has already been drugged, so Anna does the logical thing and just leaves her in the house with a crazy murderer. Oh what a great bond these sisters have. She goes and finds the sheriff, who seems to believe her, and leaves the room for a moment. This gives Anna ample time to…

Oh, is it naptime? I didn't know the actors were falling asleep during this crap-fest too!

…FALL ASLEEP? Oh yeah, I mean you’re only on the run from a crazed murderer with your sister left defenseless with her. Perfect time to take a nap! I bet sleep came as easy as pie to her!

She wakes up and sees her mother, but then it turns out to be Rachel instead, who sedates her and carries her back to the house. At the house she puts Anna on a bed, strips her to her underwear and puts her in a short white dress. I’d say this scene had a point, and that I knew what it was going for, but really I have no idea. You’d have just about as logical a scene if you switched to a scene of a monkey bathing a cat.

Then she passes out, wakes up later and finds a trail of blood and gore leading to a dumpster, where it turns out Rachel has been murdered. Alex appears covered in blood and holding a knife. The car pulls up just in time for this Kodak moment, and we get the crowning moment of the film’s awfulness as Anna tries to convince her father, with the two of them standing there covered in blood and holding a knife, that Rachel was bad and that they did the right thing. Because, you know, the fact that they murdered his fiancée would be such a powerful motivator for him to listen to them. You know, I’m actually starting to side with the dad when he just ignores everything his daughters tell him. It seems like he had no reason to listen to them after all.

"Yes, listen to us, because we're so credible and believable right now!"

The movie pretty much ends with the SHOCKING TWIST that Alex is dead, and that Anna has been killing everyone all along. She’s put back in the mental hospital and it’s revealed that Rachel got a name change NOT because she was a crazy serial killer on the run, but because she had an abusive boyfriend once – so glad the father could have cleared up that confusion at any time and saved everyone, but didn’t do so!

Also it’s revealed that the real Mildred Kemp is actually right across the room from Anna at the mental hospital…which means this hospital keeps mass murderers and traumatized, harmless teens in the same wing of the building. Think about that one for a second. And on that one last note of insane, brainless attempts at plot-writing, the movie is over.

I mean it; this despicable crap is up there with American Psycho II and Blackout for movies where literally every single scene had something going wrong, whether it was the godawful abortion of the writing or the painful cliché of the jump scares. There’s nothing good about it, at all. It’s one of those movies like Memento, The Machinist, Jacob’s Ladder or the original Tale of Two Sisters where everything makes sense at the end, and I can get behind that general idea, but The Uninvited just botches it up big time. Just because you have a twist ending explaining everything doesn’t mean the rest of your movie can be totally illogical, incomprehensible gibberish. There should still be, you know, SOME KIND OF SENSE BEING MADE.

It’s hard to even describe how much I hate this movie. I mean…it’s so bad! Who came up with this? I can’t even find information on the directors, who go only by the name ‘The Guard Brothers.’ If you’re that ashamed of your movie that you can’t even reveal your name, what’s the point? This isn’t some kind of Islamic terrorist state where you get killed for making movies like this – although I certainly wish it was now. The only name I can find info for on Wikipedia is Doug Miro, who along with one of the other writers, helped out with The Sorceror’s Apprentice the very next year. These men are dangerous to the film industry! Someone make them stop!