The Bottom 20: The Worst Movies I Have Ever Seen

Okay, so in lieu of actually reviewing stuff for the past two weeks, I've been compiling the worst and best movies I've ever seen. Keep in mind this is all subjective, and even more, that my list may change in the future! That's the beautiful thing about art and the human mind. You can change your likes and dislikes any time. In no way are you bound to what you put down on paper.

With that said, I thought I'd start off with the bad first again, since I want to leave you on a better impression with the good stuff next. These are the worst movies I've ever seen. Most of them are things I've reviewed, yeah, and the actual reviews will go more into depth. But as my reviews are often humorously exaggerated, I thought I'd give more of an impression on what I personally, seriously think are the worst movies out there. They're not the SyFy-level low budget crapfests like Bear or the Asylum version of 11/11/11 - those films are what they are, and it's simply not worth really hating them. These films are ones that I personally just think are the worst out there, artistically or for moral reasons.

With no further ado, let's get on with it!

20. I Know Who Killed Me

Purely a mess, this film, which won almost every Razzie the year it came out, is the definition of a cinematic train wreck. Nothing about it works and nothing about it is enjoyable. Stupid, wrongheaded and incredibly poorly written, I Know Who Killed Me is a dud.

19. Idle Hands

Where is the worth in this thing? It’s the bottom of the barrel for garbage stoner humor. Idle Hands is a film for wastoid, worthless burnout morons, and a clear sign that the 90s – that decade of charmingly likable stoner humor – was over. After this, there really was no going back.

18. The Descent 2

Literally just thoughtless. There really was no plot to this thing for most of the runtime, and what plot there was just contradicted the first film and made absolutely no sense. I’d rather be in a coma than see this again, and frankly, seeing it is one of the most surefire ways to get in a coma in the first place. Hideous.

17. Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation

So awful that it almost becomes brilliant. Almost being the key word.

16. Poltergeist III

Just undeniably worthless. A few interesting trippy special effects near the end can’t save one of the worst horror movie scripts I’ve ever seen in my life. This movie made me angry with how inept and mean spirited it was towards its characters and the franchise as a whole.

15. Hellraiser: Hellseeker

I hate almost all of these movies, but Hellseeker had to be the worst of the ones I sat through. Slow, boring, confusing and obnoxious, Hellseeker is just a headache and a half. Your time could be better served driving nails through your own head. It would have about the same effect.

14. Deadgirl

I didn’t really hate this film, because it’s simply too silly and inept to truly hate, but the morals and message behind this are so despicable and so prominent in your face that not having Deadgirl on a ‘worst movies’ list would be a crime. This is a misogynistic, hateful piece of trash that falls on its own face so much that it becomes almost as humorous as it is pathetic.

13. Hannibal

This has got to be one of the most inept films I’ve ever seen, with no clear purpose or meaning to the script, confusing character action and a horrendously unbalanced, lopsided pacing. As a movie on its own, it’s terrible, but as a sequel to Silence of the Lambs, it’s an outright disgrace.

12. Romeo + Juliet

Shakespeare is rolling in his grave. Thanks a lot, Baz Luhrman…you bastard.

11. Hollow Man

Like Deadgirl, this is incredibly misogynistic and hate-filled, but unlike Deadgirl it is much more outright offensive and blatantly unlikable. Animal violence, violence against women…it’s just a catalogue of misery. This was just an excuse for the director to act out his sick fantasies.

10. Aeon Flux

Blah, blah, blah, the cartoon was probably better than this, I get it. But Aeon Flux as a movie is wholly unredeemable. A collection of confusing plot elements and annoying writing, this is just an insipid experience.

9. The Box

I’m fairly sure that, in some parallel universe, it is a jailable offense to even watch this film, so hackneyed and unenjoyable as it is. Pretentious, unpleasant and nonsensical, it's just a feat of amazement that this ever got off the cutting room floor. The fact that The Box exists is just an insult to mankind’s creative process as a whole. Director Richard Kelly also made Donnie Darko; that should tell you enough, but this movie is actually far, far worse.

8. Old Dogs

A comedy about as funny as it is charming: that is, straight zero on both counts, all across the board. This movie is literally the most soulless corporate pandering I think you can get in a movie without simply having the actors hold up signs that say ‘GIVE US MONEY’ at random points. I’m not opposed to low brow comedy, it can be pretty funny when done with a certain energy and relentless disregard for good taste…but Old Dogs is simply the sell out to end all sell outs. Perhaps the least funny movie I have ever seen.

7. Black Dahlia

Long, boring, terribly, TERRIBLY written and by the end of it, you will be chomping at the bit to go beat up Brian De Palma for unleashing this film on humanity. There are so many bad things in this movie, even my 3000+ word review couldn’t cover all of them. Despite having talented actors at his disposal, De Palma couldn’t make anything in this moronic script come off as even the slightest bit convincing.

6. The Uninvited

The Uninvited, a remake of the only average Tale of Two Sisters, is one of the most unexpectedly painful and horrible experiences I’ve ever had in a movie. Just riddled with poor writing and plot holes out the ass, this film is just unbearable, as the utter stupidity of it all will begin to weigh on you like a ton of bricks. The plot holes build on top of one another like a game of Jenga, and by the film’s enraging conclusion, you will wonder how anyone involved with this even has a job at all. I don’t even think beginning film school students could create something this thoughtless and jaw-droppingly horrible. It’s just a dumbfounding trip into the worst the human creative brain can offer.

5. CashBack

Another one that seems to think hating on women is cool. And all I have to say is, get bent, movie. This makes Jennifer’s Body look positively modest and chaste in comparison. A movie that teaches us that women’s bodies are only there for the whims of one nerdy, depraved art student who I CAN’T IMAGINE WHY got dumped by his girlfriend, CashBack is just appalling and should be shut up in an underground vault for all eternity, never to be released. Feeling sorry for any of the characters in this piss-pile is just impossible as all of them are about as likable as black fungus growing on your sandwich. The outright, blatant misogyny is just suffocating in how rotten its stench is, but the rest of the comedy is so boorish and sophomoric that not even fans of Old Dogs and Epic Movie would find it funny – they wouldn’t even crack a smile. One of the most offensive, tasteless things I have ever seen on film.

4. The Traveler

A festival of seemingly endless, tasteless gore, The Traveler is one of the more egregious and terrible examples of the worst trends in horror today. It substitutes realistic characters for horrible one-note jokes and screaming, raging assholes impossible to elicit any sympathy from, and tension and drama for gore and blood and guts. Movies like this are the reason why horror is in such a dire state nowadays, as there is simply nothing there to latch onto. The gore is unpleasant and far too realistic to be entertaining, and the story is boring and rote to extremes I didn’t know possible. There’s no creativity to be found and all this movie seems to want to do is show you seemingly non-stop scenes of these people getting murdered, without any reason to care, as every character is unlikable. This is just a hateful, spiteful film that gets worse and worse as it goes on, without even one iota of quality at all, and I was just at a loss for words at how this even got green lighted. Films like this will be the death of horror as a genre – the final nail in the coffin. Don’t support this, don’t rent it…just forget about it.

3. The Road

If you really like child abuse, little girls screaming in pain and non-stop scenes of nothing but undiluted misery and pain, The Road is for you. This movie is simply indefensible, with so many horrible things in it that it all just becomes white noise. The thing about torture and really grotesque, hardcore shit is that you need to build up drama and have something to really say beyond “hey, this is really hard to watch!” There needs to be some purpose, some commentary or some kind of underlying story that justifies the violence, because otherwise all you have is exploitative crap. With this film, all you get is more and more of the worst of humanity, without convincing enough writing to come across as realistic – oh, and the fact that there are ghosts and supernatural demons doesn’t help the 'realism' factor either. This has no idea what it wants to be, what it wants to say or who it’s appealing to.

2. American Psycho 2

American Psycho is possibly Christian Bale’s finest moment, a classic of modern cinema and has a lot of great social commentary on the bourgeois white-collar class of the 80s. This movie is none of those things, and completely ruins the first film in its first five minutes as it has Patrick Bateman killed off unceremoniously by a young girl. Mila Kunis wins my personal ‘worst actress ever’ award in this, but to be fair, nobody could have done well by the hack-work script. Most of this is ear-bleeding narration that literally becomes painful to listen to. You will really have to turn this off for a while to get a break from the constant self-indulgent prattle this movie tries to pass for a story. There really is no story, and the closest this movie gets to evoking anything but contempt and hatred is when you see a couple of college aged girls trying to sleep with their teacher, played by William Shatner, to get better grades. That won’t evoke contempt – just derisive, unbelieving laughter. I hope whoever greenlighted this film doesn’t sleep well at night anymore.

And my number 1 worst movie of all time is...

1. Rock n Roll Frankenstein

Words can’t even describe the pain that this movie inflicted on me, with its utter disregard for anything that would normally pass for an enjoyable film. I just...ugh...just, ugh; that's the best description. After I finished watching this movie, I turned to my friend and proclaimed it, instinctively, ‘the worst thing mankind has ever created.’ I remember standing in my kitchen afterwards and seriously thinking I would rather just stop reviewing movies instead of reviewing this one. People, there are certain limits a man has, and for me, it is when I see a movie about a bunch of guys that create a Frankenstein’s Monster-esque creature, give it a gay man’s penis, and then the monster is sexually confused because of it. That’s this whole movie. And I hate myself forever for just writing that…FOR THE SECOND TIME.

Christ. Just kill me now.

So that's my 'bottom 20' worst films ever list, for those of you who were interested. Stay tuned for the 'best' list tomorrow!

REVIEW: My Soul to Take (2010)

It’s Wes Craven time! This famed director can really go either way. On the one hand, he directed A Nightmare on Elm Street, Wes Craven’s New Nightmare and Scream. On the other hand, he directed The Serpent and the Rainbow and the subject of today’s gala of wrongness, My Soul to Take.

Director: Wes Craven

Starring: Max Theriot, John Magaro

Website: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0872230/

This is a very interesting type of bad movie. It looked like a generic Nightmare on Elm Street rip off – I mean, it’s a story about a bunch of kids stalked by a serial killer who died years ago; come on – but really, it’s bad for COMPLETELY DIFFERENT reasons! I know I’m usually a lot grouchier than this when a movie this terrible comes around but…I can’t help it; this is just too interesting to me! I’m like a kid in a candy store with this shit.

The film starts off with some guy who can’t act, trying to act. He’s a father with a wife who likes to watch on the news about what kind of knife a serial killer currently on a killing spree uses, because, you know, THAT’S something the news would broadcast! What, do they just think people are going to be able to get a close enough look at the knife to be able to quickly call 911 and report it before they get slashed? And for that matter, the knife says ‘Vengeance’ on it…why? It’s never explained! Not even two minutes in, and I’m already confused!

"Ooh, a knife! Cool!"

Then the father finds the knife in the sink and the movie has an epileptic seizure trying to convey the idea that the father is crazy. He does some silly voices and the camera flashes in-between really choppy scenes of creepy angles of him. Then we find out he killed his wife, and the cops come and get him, but he won’t die, and talks to them in a voice that sounds like Jigsaw from the SAW series. Then some stuff blows up, we find out that seven babies were born at exactly midnight and…we flash forward 16 years later!

Okay, I gotta take a breather; this movie is exhausting. That was like 5 minutes of screentime right there. Maybe even less! This whole thing is like the cinematic equivalent of a speed junkie’s personal video blog. You don’t have to cram EVERY SECOND of screentime in with nonsense, Craven. You CAN have a quiet, atmospheric moment or two, you know! Why am I the one telling him how to make his movies? I’ve never made one!

So in the present day, I guess, a bunch of kids are all gathered around in the woods where they apparently glorify the killer from before every single year on the exact day he died, which is their birthday – that’s right, these seven kids who were born when the killer supposedly died all get together each year to ritualistically pretend to kill a big puppet made to look like what they imagine he looked like. They get stopped by the cops because apparently there’s a curfew in town, and they’re all really surprised at this. Why? They do this every year. They should know about the curfew! Why is it such a surprise to them?

Anyway, we see our three main heroes, Bug, random black kid we won't see much, and our main star, Asian kid!

Hey, it's The Goonies/the kids from The Sandlot/the kids from IT/the kids from Chronicle...

Now, in an interesting twist, the Asian kid is actually a really well developed character in this movie. He has a clear motivation, a lot of depth and faults that anyone can relate to…nah, just kidding, he gets killed off in the next scene:

Yes, apparently this serial killer does it execution style and throws his victims off bridges...

After that it’s high school time, as we see one of the kids, Alex, getting into a fight with his drunk, abusive jackass of a stepfather, who drinks Pabst Blue Ribbon, so according to South Park, that’s why he’s a drunk, abusive jackass of a stepfather. I’m so glad Matt Stone and Trey Parker are there when I need them. But hey, if my stepson was in The Box, I’d be pretty angry at him too, so I can kind of sympathize with the stepfather a little.

Alex goes to school and meets Bug, where they hatch a plan to put Bug’s phone in the girls’ bathroom to overhear what they’re saying. Am I in the same movie still?

No, really; am I in the same movie? This IS a horror movie, right? And not Bratz: The Movie or some kind of fashion model photography shoot? Because you're not making a very good case for the former, Craven, I gotta tell ya.

Yeah, apparently the girls in this movie are like the mafia of high school, led by this one chick who’s watched way too many Helena Bonham Carter movies, Fang. Yes, Fang, that’s what they call this girl. They talk shit about Bug and Alex and some other people and it gets them both slightly pissed off at one another. They say that Bug has been in institutions and has killed people before. They say Alex just uses Bug like a monkey. This of course causes both friends to turn on one another with disbelieving looks! But wait, if they’re such good friends, why are they so ready to believe random shit-talking they secretly overheard from the girls’ bathroom? Shouldn’t they be good enough friends to where they would KNOW that whatever the girls said wasn’t true?

We also get this really strange scene where Bug starts imitating everything Alex does and says somehow, like he’s possessed, and has to be slapped to snap out of it. It’s…mostly incredibly pointless. Just like this little paragraph!

We see some religious girl talking to another girl who the head jock of the school got pregnant, I guess. Isn’t there supposed to be a serial killer in this movie? We’re 40 minutes in, and not more than one poorly explained, brushed over kill scene has happened! The pregnant girl is worried about her baby, so religious girl says “It’s a baby, not a bomb.” Well unless you’re in Dracula III: Legacy:

I bet you didn't expect me to reference Dracula III again, did you? But yeah, to make a long story short, they both get killed I guess.

Then we see this girl named Brittany running away from head jock asshole guy Brandon, who wants her to give him a blowjob. She comes across the dead body of the religious girl outside, which is weird, because they weren’t even anywhere CLOSE to there when she was killed just ONE SCENE AGO…but what’s even stranger about these scene is that Brittany assumes Brandon did it, just at the drop of a hat for no reason. She accuses him of killing this girl like she’s accusing him of stealing her homework. What a smart character. Luckily her punishment for this moronic dialogue is death!

Not EXACTLY a good shot...

Then Brandon gets axed, too, and the killer utters the brilliant line: “Fuck your fucking unborn child!” Wow, Wes Craven…just wow. I don’t know why I expected better lines than this from a movie serial killer…OH WAIT it’s because Craven directed A Nightmare on Elm Street, which was famous for its killer’s witty one liners that DIDN’T involve profanity and ridiculous try-hard tough guy-isms! Silly me.

At home Bug finds out that his mom baked him a birthday cake. He tells her he likes that Brittany girl – you know, the one who just got killed – and she says “Isn’t she a little sophisticated for you?” What the hell? I guess she won’t be winning any Mother of the Year awards! You might as well just tell him “Honey, you’re a hopeless loser and you can’t even talk to most girls; just give up.” I mean…wow! That was pretty cold.

After that we see one of Craven’s brilliant plot twists as that Fang girl who was acting like the Godfather of the high school mafia is actually Bug’s older sister the whole time. Yeah. Real riveting twist, right? She tells him she hates him and that he ruined her life because he’s actually the son of the serial killer from the beginning of the movie, who everyone thinks is back and killing again. Then she beats the living crap out of him, because nothing says horror movie protagonist like getting beat up by your own sister:

So…HOW did this never come up in any of their no doubt wonderful familial conversations in the past SIXTEEN YEARS?! I’m sorry, I don’t buy it! There is NO WAY none of this crap was just NEVER brought up that whole time Bug was growing up!

After that we see Alex again for the first time in about a half hour. He comes in and talks to Bug about some stuff and then casually mentions, near the end of the conversation, that he just got back from murdering his stepfather. Yeah…wouldn’t have mentioned that FIRST THING, would he? I guess he just didn’t think it was very important.

Bug goes to get him a drink, sees his dead religious girl friend in the mirror, gets his father’s knife with ‘Vengeance’ written on it back somehow, and then goes downstairs and finds his mom dead. One cop comes in – yes, one cop; I guess sending more would have been a stupid idea – and tries to arrest him, angry that Bug would kill his mom NOT because he killed his mom, but because he was a symbol of hope for the town after his father killed his actual mother in the opening scene. Yes, HOW DARE HE HAVE A SERIAL KILLER FOR A FATHER AND COME OUT SCREWED UP BECAUSE OF IT! What an inconsiderate little shit.

The cop then gets killed by the actual killer a second later.

Bug and the killer fight a little bit and the killer apparently has teleportation powers, avoiding every gunshot fired at him somehow. Bug goes upstairs where it’s revealed that Alex was the killer the whole time, because the killer’s soul randomly picked his body at birth 16 years ago to transfer into…I don’t know, just go with it. Alex goes outside while he internally monologues about how he isn't the hero the city needs, but the one it wants right now, and that he can fake it FOR THE SAKE OF THE TOWN…

Actually on second thought, no.

Yeah, this movie was special. I don’t even know what to say about it. Craven conjures up, somehow, some decent drama with this thing, but there are so many plotholes, stupid scenes, terrible acting and horribly inconsistent storytelling moments that I can’t overlook them all. My Soul to Take is honestly a trainwreck of a film that you could probably miss and be a better overall person for it, and if you really want a GOOD 'troubled teen' movie, go watch Chronicle instead. But if you want something so terrible and so ridiculous that it's actually hilarious, well, My Soul to Take will do the job. Happily, in fact.

None of the images or videos here belong to me. They are copyright of their original owners.

Review: The Box (2009)

Director: Richard Kelly

Starring: Cameron Diaz, James Marsden

Website: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0362478/

…you’ve got to be kidding me. You REALLY have GOT to be kidding me with this. I mean…god, who ever thought green-lighting this movie would be in any way productive to the world? Sigh. People, this is something of an absolute. A film so mindbogglingly bad that it defies all forms of written language even trying to describe it. But I will try to, anyway…for this, folks, is The Box. Vomit, cower in fear and cry now while you can; it’s going to be a long ride.

The movie starts off with some fake ‘reports’ from a police department, I guess, about a guy who got burned in a horrible accident. We then switch to Virginia in 1976, where Cameron Diaz and James Marsden are a couple living in a stereotypical 70s style home. They get woken up in the middle of the night to go outside, where they receive a package. In the kitchen, they open it up to find another, smaller box – what, is this one of those psychological riddles about finding boxes inside boxes inside boxes? – and a note, saying that Mr. Steward will visit them soon.

Of course, this is taken very calmly and without any kind of bewilderment whatsoever. It’s not like in the real world where this kind of thing would be highly suspicious and would disrupt the flow of their day. No, in this fucked up reality, we just go right along with our daily, mundane, shitty lives like always! Their son comes out and James Marsden looks at him like he has no idea who he is. Get used to that confused schoolboy look – Marsden exploits it like a cheap whore.

"My face seems to be frozen in an expression of wide-eyed boyish charm!"

The next day, the son, named Walter, is standing outside waiting for the bus and also mouthing off like a little douche at his mom for no good reason. You know, I'm against child abuse like anyone else, but these scenes are really pushing that limit for me!

At school, Cameron Diaz is apparently a teacher too, as she teaches a rather small class about Sartre’s famous No Exit, which I’d much rather be partaking in than this movie. A student in her class asks her why she limps; even though we never actually see her limping if you watch close enough – if there’s any artistic intent behind that, it’s lost on me. He then tells her to take off her shoe, and she does it, revealing her deformed foot. Why does she do this instead of being a responsible teacher and tell the kid to stuff it up his ass? Because this movie was written by an idiot with no conception of reality, of course.

What’s that? You say the same idiot wrote Donnie Darko?

Well, now it all makes sense.

Seriously, WORST TEACHER EVER if she lets her students push her around like that. I mean c’mon, grow a little bit of a backbone! So then pretty much the next ten or fifteen minutes of the movie is all about Cameron Diaz’s deformed foot. Because…I guess that’s really all they have. You really, really want me to turn this movie off fast, don’t you?

"Wait! I'm here to deliver a performance you will forget 5 minutes after the movie ends!"

Oh, wait, no; we also have Frank Langella showing up with half of his face deformed and rotted off from some accident – remember the thing from the beginning about the accident that happened? Yeah, apparently he’s the victim. He is also the mysterious ‘Mr. Steward’ from before. He tells Diaz that if she pushes the button on the box, someone she doesn’t know will die. But she will also receive a million dollars! He says if she doesn’t push the button in 24 hours, he will come back and give it to someone else instead. Basically what the whole story is trying to go for is that these aliens or demigods or something, it’s never clearly explained, are ‘testing’ humanity to see if they’re ‘good’ enough not to be exterminated. If enough people don’t push the button, humanity gets to live.

Okay, we’re just going to have to make some fucking bullet points here, because there are just too many things wrong with this plot:

- Who says these guys are accurate judges? What gives them the right? I don’t even care if they’re godlike beings; they can FUCK RIGHT OFF if they think they’re going to judge all mankind based on whether or not people push a damn button!

- Ripping off Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy ain’t cool, man.

- Why is this such a complicated plot? Aren’t there any…simpler ways to go about judging if humanity sucks too much now? I mean…this is REALLY frigging elaborate!

- The plot LITERALLY boils down to pushing a big red button. An old cartoony cliché is the basis for this intense psychological thriller!

- Don’t these aliens have anything more important to do? They don't have any intergalactic businesses to attend to so they just screw around with us? That's...weak. Really weak.

Luckily, though, Langella came at exactly the right time, as the family is having some heavy financial troubles, so then we get some stupid, wall-banging scenes of Marsden and Diaz trying to figure out what they will do with the box. I especially love this one scene where they’re about to go to bed and Diaz tells Marsden to turn off the Christmas tree. She says that if they don’t turn it off, it could start a fire and kill them all. Marsden’s reply? “Everyone dies.” Yes, they did indeed just turn a conversation about CHRISTMAS LIGHTS into a PHILOSOPHICAL ENDEAVOR. Be amazed! Seriously, guys, don’t try to be philosophers. You’re in a movie about aliens and big red buttons on boxes. GET SOME PERSPECTIVE.

"You think we should fire our agents after this?"
"Oh, definitely. Even going into porn would be a step up after this one."

So the next day, they sit around and deliberate some more until Diaz remembers – big shock – that the plot is supposed to move forward! So she just goes ahead and pushes the button. I don’t think they ever actually use any of the million dollars, but James Marsden does start to piss Frank Langella off by spying on him and using his cop father-in-law to dig up dirt on him. Which really GRINDS FRANK’S GEARS, man. So now Frank threatens the family and sends weird bleeding-nose zombies that he possessed over to Diaz’s house to creep them out. That’s really classy, isn’t it?

Oh, and get this; the super powered extraterrestrial beings in charge of this insanity haven’t perfected the mind-control thing yet. Yeah, not exactly qualified to be down on Earth messing with us then, are you? That’s like having a doctor come in to perform a life or death surgery on you only to have him say he forgot his eyeglasses today and hasn’t learned the final step of the surgery yet. How incompetent are these a-holes?

Yeah, and that isn’t even all yet! Apparently Langella’s character is actually just one of the aliens/extraterrestrial beings using the damaged dead body as a host. In addition to this, he has regenerative powers. But he does NOT use them to repair his face. How that makes sense, I will never know.

So then Diaz and Marsden both go to the library for different reasons. In a rather cruel choice of words Diaz tells the half-faced Frank Langella that she wants to see him face to face. That isn’t really important, but I thought it was pretty funny anyway. In the library, an old woman who is apparently Langella’s wife tells Marsden to follow her into this room where there are three pillars of water standing upright that are apparently – get THIS – doorways that can lead to either eternal damnation or personal salvation. Are we still in the same movie? What the fuck does this have to do with ANYTHING else in the film, at all?

Then Marsden gets sucked into one of them in a promo for the Universal Studios tie-in ride that will never exist, and the movie turns into 2001: A Space Odyssey. No, really. It pretty much rips off that hyperspeed warp sequence without changing a damn thing but the colors. Because this movie has no shame.

So after ripping off yet another classic work, Marsden gets dropped off back at home in a display of special effects that probably cost more than most of the rest of the film combined, and Diaz is already there herself. Why? How? Fuck it, insert your own answers.

Then at this wedding their son gets kidnapped, and so does Diaz for that matter. They’re taken, oddly enough, back to their own house…where Frank Langella is waiting. Again, doesn’t this guy have anything better to do with his time? Like clip his toenails? So he tells them some more rambling, overly complicated horseshit. Basically their son is blind and deaf, and if James Marsden does not shoot Cameron Diaz in the heart, their son will never be cured. But they will be allowed to keep the million dollars that we don’t even see them spend or talk about. And if Diaz does die, then their son will be cured to live in a world where his father murdered his mother in cold blood and it’s all his fault. Isn’t that just peachy?

…fuck this; I’m just going to end the review in one sentence: James Marsden kills his wife, their son is safe and someone else presses the button on the box as Marsden is arrested for his crimes.

That’ll be a fun story to tell in prison, won’t it? “No, no, man, there was this box, and my wife pressed the big red button on it, and then we got a million dollars, and then all this weird stuff started happening, and then Frank Langella with half his face gone told me I had to kill her or else my son would be blind and deaf.”

Yeah, not flying there, and it certainly isn’t flying here. The Box is a dud. It’s horrible beyond belief. You could fill several football fields with everything wrong with this movie – what I’ve done here is only the tip of the iceberg. This is truly, wholly loathsome, one of the rare films that has absolutely NOTHING about it that is likable. So don’t watch it. Stay as far away as possible!

But never fear, for next month comes...

He's coming for YOU!

None of these images are mine. They're all copyright of their original owners.