REVIEW: Deadfall (1993)

You might notice I haven’t posted much lately on this blog. Well, that’s simply because the last movie I saw was so bad, so pointless, so horrendous in every way, that I could not sum up my feelings in any conceivably literate way until now. Yes, folks, this is Deadfall, the most half-assed and hackneyed concoction of soggy, tired film noir clichés ever conceived of before Black Dahlia came along about 13 years later and raped all of our minds. But at least this one has Nicolas Cage! Cage is really the only saving grace about this at all, as the rest of the movie is just pure garbage in every way. Introduction enough for you? I think so.

Director: Christopher Coppola

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Some Other Assholes

Website: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0106684/

The credits show us a few things – the director is Christopher Coppola, it’s starring Nicolas Cage and Talia Shire has a part in the movie as well. Is this just a Coppola family reunion? Well, after watching it, you’ll wish they had some of the other Coppolas helping out; you know, like Francis Ford or Sofia. Maybe they would have made this at least a little bit watchable. But let’s just get started with the actual movie before we’re here all day.

The film starts off with some idiots in suits who obviously were late to the bargain bin theater production of Grease driving around. Then we get an incredible change of pace when the same idiots in suits going into a warehouse and pretending to be hardcore gangsters making a sting operation. Yeah, because I’m sure this slop will make me forget Paul Newman and Robert Redford in The Sting, right? Christ. Two minutes in and already I’d rather be watching an M. Night Shyamalan picture. That’s a new goddamn record.

Oh, and I forgot to mention the narration, delivered in perhaps the most unfitting manner ever by the worst protagonist in cinema history, Michael Biehn, who plays our main character Joe. Seriously, this guy has all the charisma of your average coma patient. He’s about as interesting as a piece of wet toast stuck to a cat’s backside…wait, actually I think that would be far more interesting that Michael Biehn’s narration!

Then a shoot out starts when the bad guys figure out they’re being played. I love how these morons are just firing randomly into the dark; isn’t that always an indication of great gunmanship?

"If we keep shooting blindly at the dark, SURELY we'll get things done!"

So in an act of true mastery of the craft, Joe accidentally kills his business partner and father in a shoot-out. Yeah, better try actually learning how to aim next time, you twit. I seriously don’t know how they expect us to take this even remotely seriously. Oh boo hoo, you screwed up; deal with it you little pisshead.

And what’s this? A scene of him crying in his room leaning against the bed like a little pussy? Allow me to extend both my middle fingers in your direction, movie!

Seriously, I'm not trying to downplay a horrible tragedy or anything but this is just so poorly done, and the movie just throws it at us without trying at all to make us care what happened.

So then he finds out he has to go see his uncle Lou, who’s played by the same actor because they were too cheap to get anybody else, and blah, blah, blah, it’s all very boring and dated-90s-like. It’s mostly just incredibly silly and ridiculous. It’s the antithesis of anything resembling captivating film noir. I mean, it’s less gritty and realistic than a game of CLUE.

Then he meets Nic Cage, who has a name but that doesn’t matter anyway; you’ll just call him Nic Cage so who cares? He mumbles a lot, wears a stupid wig and mustache and seems to never take his sunglasses off…so yeah, almost the same character as in The Vampire’s Kiss. He even has a stupid accent again.

Nice porn star disguise Nic.

But to be fair, his character is at least doing something, which is more than can be said for anyone else in this horrendous nonsense. They go to some bar and do stupid stuff and somehow Cage has a really hot girlfriend…yeah, not buying it; sorry movie. No girl would ever date this guy. I’m half expecting throughout this whole thing to discover that Cage’s girlfriend is actually some kind of transvestite, or something. ANYTHING! ANYTHING TO MAKE IT MAKE SENSE!

Then there’s one scene where they swindle a bartender out of some money? Why? Do the bartenders of the world really have too much money to where you have to play Robin Hood and steal from them? Bravo, Cage, you’ve officially become a true anus of a human being.

So yeah then we see even more implausibility when Cage’s girlfriend starts inexplicably flirting with Joe! Why? Just to get the plot to move forward, because when you can’t think of any ideas in your measly head to vomit out, show some sex scenes:

How much money do you think they had to pay her to have sex with this guy? Doesn't really seem worth it to me.

Watching these two pieces of plastic try to have sex is almost as bad as watching them try to act. I can’t think of anything less arousing short of, well, watching Nicolas Cage and the girl do it. Eugh.

But Cage almost gets killed in a bar after doing some coke, comes home and almost kills her. These scenes are some of the most entertaining in the movie, which really just means they don’t make you want to gouge out your eyes watching them. But Cage is very entertaining, with a truly over the top and insane performance that you can tell he had fun with. I mean, the rest of the movie is so glaringly awful, he probably knew it, and just decided to throw care to the wind and give the most ridiculous performance he could muster. He just didn’t give a crap. At one point he’s literally just shouting gibberish; no actual words at all.

That's his 'I just ate a really sour lollypop' look.

"I will SWALLOW THE CAMERA WHOLE!"

She throws him out, so his next logical path is go to find his employer Uncle Lou, tie him up and threaten to kill him with boiling hot water. He almost does, but then Joe comes in and kills Cage by shoving his face into the boiling water instead. No. No, movie; you can’t do that. YOU CAN’T KILL OFF THE ONLY CHARACTER MAKING THIS MOVIE ENTERTAINING! My heart has been broken. We still have 40 minutes of this to sit through and now the only character making it easier is dead?! What kind of sick bastards created this?

Oh. Oh yeah…well, the only proper thing to do is stop the movie and hold a funeral for Nicolas Cage. Proceed:

OK, now that we’re done with that, let’s go to the bar for drinks.

Now we can…wait, what do you mean I have to finish the review? Haven’t I suffered enough already in the name of entertaining the masses today?!  Well damn. Guess I might as well; I mean what else am I going to do tonight? Go out and have a life?

The movie continues with some awful scenes that try to be deep and serious film noir but mostly just come off as a big fat joke, as Joe narrates some more in a tone of voice that would better fit a children’s elementary school book reading session. Truly this is what Robert DeNiro aspired to when he made Casino, right? This narration is about as credible as Roger Rabbit narrating over Dark City would be.

Joe goes to meet Charlie Sheen, another human sewer-slime who Christopher Coppola dredged up to be in this movie. Sheen mostly talks in a low, almost unintelligible monotone, and treats us to long, agonizing scenes of the two of them playing the world’s most boring game of billiards ever. We never see him in the movie again, and so I mostly just wonder WHAT THE HELL THE POINT WAS. GOD. THIS MOVIE IS LIKE SITTING THROUGH THE INSANE RAMBLINGS OF A BRAINDEAD MENTAL PATIENT WHO JUST WATCHED A MARATHON OF OLD CRIME MOVIES. It’s asinine!

Some more stuff happens, it’s revealed that Joe’s father never died and the whole thing was an incredibly contrived set-up that could have easily gone wrong at any time, and the whole thing ends on a whimper with more of that ear-raping narration. Oh what a treat. This movie is so bad that I can’t even accurately sum up how bad it is. No insults I could make up would really describe it. This is so terrible, so lacking in plot or any kind of good characters or atmosphere, and so wrongheaded that all I can do is just…sacrifice it to the God Nicolas Cage, who sits upon his throne still, laughing at all of us mere mortals. Let this crap burn forever in the fires of Cage’s wrath and greatness, and let it never again tarnish our Earthly plane!

REVIEW: The Sandlot (1993)

Baseball! The great all-American sport that I grew up with as a kid. Nothing beat getting out there and sweating with the smell of a worn-out glove and a good, solid ball to hit around. The sand from the diamond would kick up as I ran the bases and the crack of the bat against the ball was something that I’d feel good about the whole rest of the day. I played on a Little League team and I remember being out there at night, baseball diamond lit up in full. It was glorious.

Oh, I’m sorry…I was doing a review, wasn’t I? I think I can be allowed to reminisce a little, though. Especially since this is all a lead-in to me reviewing THE SANDLOT!

Director: David M. Evans

Starring: Tom Guiry, Mike Vitar

Website: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0108037/

Yes, this 1993 classic is one that I don’t think can be praised enough. As much as I love baseball, I also loved this movie as a kid. It’s the story of the new kid in the neighborhood, which I never was, but I can relate anyway. His name is Scott Smalls (Tom Guiry) and he’s as awkward and naïve as a little kid sometimes is at that age. And it’s tough, trying to fit into a new place with kids who already know one another. We’ve all been there. So the viewer can emphasize with Scott as he tries to fit in, even though he doesn’t know anything about baseball, which all the kids in the neighborhood love to do during the summer, and is generally a ‘dork.’ The kids make fun of him, as kids do when they’re in groups. But all it takes is one kid, Benny, the neighborhood baseball prodigy of sorts, to give him a helping hand in the Zen art of baseball, and then he’s fine. Once he learns the ropes and how to play right, the kids all shrug and accept him wholeheartedly, easily and without hesitation. Ah, the simplistic ways of children.

The movie gallops along effortlessly from scene to scene with just scenes about the kids playing baseball and exchanging their usual raunchy banter. It works because these kids are all excellent actors for what the movie is going for, which is a very lighthearted, spunky story about childhood and the wonder and excitement that comes with every new moment and every fresh discovery. Everything here feels big and epic, even when it’s just kids doing what kids do. They have their fun playing baseball and get to know one another better doing it. They go to the pool and get into a rather hilarious mischief when one of the kids fakes being unconscious to get some steamy CPR from the pretty lifeguard, who he’s had a crush on for years. They go to the fair and have a bad experience chewing tobacco and then riding the rides. Needless to say, much vomit is involved…

Whatever’s going on, it’s always attacked with extreme vigor and zeal, with Scott’s grown-up narration as he looks back at his childhood driving the film quite nicely and giving it some real pizzazz and style. Films like these work best with really clever, snippy writing – you can’t get too overwrought with words or cram in too much introspection. You have to let the flashbacks themselves do the talking while providing just enough narration to add that certain humorous bounce. And this film does a hell of a good job at that, as there is never a dull moment, and never even one where you aren’t enjoying yourself. It’s hard sometimes to review movies like this, because what the hell am I going to say? How many different ways can I say “This was a lot of fun and I love watching it”?

The last 40 minutes or so delve into a more dire plot – what happens when Scott takes his stepdad’s Babe Ruth-signed ball and uses it to play, but hits it over the fence, where the gigantic dog called “The Beast” resides? He doesn’t even know who Babe Ruth is! I found that relatable because I was the same way; sometimes as a kid you just don’t know who people are. So they have to get the ball back before Scott’s stepdad gets back from his trip and finds out what happens. And so begins the greatest pickle the kids have ever been in!

Basically what they do is construct elaborate traps and ways to get down into the forbidden fenced-yard and get the ball without getting eaten by the huge, monstrous dog – and it is HUGE.  The stuff they come up with is just ridiculously complex and over the top, and it’s just so much fun watching them do it, like it’s a high-tech spy operation. Which, I guess, it is in a way. That’s the beauty of this movie. From a kid’s perspective, these really are big issues, and we’re given that perspective in the movie in full force. It’s as exciting, or moreso, as any action movie you can find. I mean…there’s even a part where they blow up a treehouse. It is as ridiculous and awesome as it sounds.

The end is blessed with perhaps the most awesome chase scene you will ever see in one of these movies as baseball prodigy Benny puts on his running shoes and makes his great escape from the Beast, who lunges and chases him through the whole town. I won’t spoil too much of this – you need to see it for yourself if you haven’t. Same goes for the final reveal of James Earl Jones at the end, too. Go watch this!

This movie is just inimitable. It is my childhood – all the awkwardness, all the soaring when things went well and all the gut-wrenching horror when they didn’t. Baseball is given its dues here, and the story is told with all the grandeur and epic flare that kids attach to everything they do. Everything is big, over the top and completely awesome about this movie. If you don’t like it you’re pretty much dead inside - dead, I say! So go see The Sandlot and let it sweep you up in its world. What a great movie.

RoboCop 3 (1993)

Starring Robert John Burke, Nancy Allen, Rip Torn

Directed by Fred Dekker

IMDb: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0107978/

Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/RoboCop_3

Remember "RoboCop"? That was a fun movie. In a city gone awry, you could always depend on this cyborg policeman to come in and save the day in order to 1) serve the public trust, 2) protect the innocent and 3) uphold the law (we'll just ignore that pesky little fourth one). It had surprisingly intense action scenes, brought about questions over corporate power and human life, and gave us some comedy to enjoy in between all that. It may not be the best action movie ever made, but it is still a very well-made one that is great to watch even today. The second film of the trilogy was not as good as the first, but it had its moments. The third one on the other hand, well...

(Warning: there will be spoilers. Not that you care)

It starts out in Detroit where the OCP corporation, now under the control of a Japanese company, is tearing down parts of the city using a paramilitary force known as the Urban Rehabilitators, or Rehabs, to make room for the new Delta City. As a result, many people are forced out of their homes and relocated, causing a group of rebels to take up arms to stop the threat to their livelihoods. Okay...I know that this is supposed to take place in the dystopian future, but this is really getting over the top. Sure, Detroit has never been known for having great local politics (in the series or in real life), but the filmmakers are starting to treat it like it is a third world country! Is this the only American city that this is happening to?! Is this even legal?! Shouldn't the National Guard or the rest of the U.S. military be doing something about this?! But it is pointless for me to be talking about all this, because we aren't going to be discussing any of this in the film, right? I thought so. Ugh...

So where is RoboCop in all this? Well, we don't come see him for the first 17 minutes of the movie, which is kind of dumb. When we does show up, you may notice that he is played by actor Robert John Burke, as oppose to the last few films where he was played by Peter Weller. What effect does this have on the film? None. Seriously, I didn't even know about this casting change until I started writing this review. Guess that is what happens when the character you play has a mechanical voice and a Silly Putty face that is mostly covered by a helmet the majority of the time. Oh well.

Anyway, he saves a bunch of cops from an ambush, including his partner Officer Anne Lewis (played once again by Nancy Allen), but in the process violates a direct order from his superior, Sgt. Warren Reed (played once again by Robert DoQui, in all of his overacting glory). After this event, there is a big debate over the extent of his human functions....just like there was in the second movie. Um, guys, I thought we had settled this already. We are literally having the same conversation about whether he is human or not! And once again, his humanity is being defended by a sympathetic female scientist (Jill Hennessy) and his robotic-ness is being defended by some corporate douchebag (Bradley Whitford, who must have taken this part to prepare to for his more far more sinister role as the corporate douchebag in "Billy Madison" ). Talk about lazy writing. And where will this plot line lead us? Nowhere. They make a big deal for a little bit, then almost completely drop it. Pointless!

RoboCop, conflicted over his role in the whole Delta City situation, finds the hideout of the rebels, with Lewis tagging along. However, they are ambushed by the Rehabs, and Lewis is killed by their leader, Commander Paul McDagget (John Castle). Really? Now you're going to kill off the main female character of the series? Nice job, movie, nice job!

After escaping, RoboCop goes underground with the rebels, but he is badly damaged from the fight and needs to be fixed up, so they bring in Dr. Marie Lazarus, the scientist from earlier who had defended his humanity. During this time, he develops a bond with a named girl Nikko (Remy Ryan) who was adopted by the rebels and is a computer whizkid.

Ok, this is mildly creepy. Let's just look at a photo of what Remey Ryan looks like now.
That's better.

So after he is fixed, he goes looking for McDagget. When he gets there, he finds out that the rebels are being sold down the drain by one of their own, Coontz, played by Stephen Root, who also played Milton in "Office Space". So what did they give him in exchange for turning against them?

Damn it, we should have known!

So the rebels are ambushed again, and they are either killed, captured or forced to flee. RoboCop doesn't return to the base for a really long time...for some reason...and by the time he gets back, he is confronted with the worst type of evil: NINJA ROBOT!!! That's right, the Japanese company has developed a robot called an Otomo (Bruce Locke) that is far more dangerous and agile than its cyborg predecessor.

And you thought this film series didn't have enough problems distancing itself from that other franchise.

Well, copycat issues aside, this would have been a cool addition to the film except...the Otomo kind of sucks. Sure, it has some good moves and a cool sword that can cut through metal, but it does not utilizes them well. It easily could have gone up to RoboCop and sliced his head off, finishing the job in about ten seconds tops. But nooooo! It has to show off its cool fighting moves, giving RoboCop plenty of time to blow its head off with a gun! Stupid, stupid, stupid!

While this is going on, the rebels and the regular police have formed an alliance and are in the mist of a battle with the Rehabs, who are being aided by paid off criminals. Using untrained street thugs as part of your private army; don't think anything will go wrong with that scenario, do you, McDagget? Meanwhile Marie and Lazarus infiltrate OCP headquarters. Before this, Lazarus gives a television broadcast saying that OCP only cares about its own profits and not the well being of Detroit. Gee, took the public a while to figure that one out, didn't they?! After saving the rebels and the other police officers by defeating the Rehabs, RoboCop goes to OCP, where he is confronted by McDagget and two Otomo, one of which is damaged and now looks like this:

"Take me seriously!"

After a struggle that destroys those things, he saves Lazarus and Nikko, McDagget gets blown up, along with the rest of the building, and the day is saved. The head of the Japanese company (Mako) arrives at the scene and bows respectfully to RoboCop. Ok, sorry, I'm calling bull on this one. Earlier in the film, you told McDagget to keep it cool, but you looked the other way by saying you didn't want to know about his tactics in concerns to dealing with the resistance. Now you are trying to play innocent saying RoboCop is a stand up guy. Screw you, buddy! But once again, it doesn't matter, because the film then comes to an end. Pathetic.

It is hard to say if there is one thing that sums up what is wrong with this film; it's mostly just a bunch of little things that just add up after a while. To start off with, the action is kind of dull, the plot is inconsistent, and there does not really seem to be any progression from the last two films. It is as if the writers were trying to create a jumping off point but could not quite take the dive. Apparently some of the blame goes to Frank Miller. Yes, that Frank Miller. He had written the screenplay for "RoboCop 2" but the final product was far different from his original vision. He was then brought on to write for this movie and many of his ideas from his previous script were used for the plot, hence the possible reason for the repetitiveness in this sequel (though they were still drastically altered from what he had wanted). That being said, it looked like director Fred Dekker had final control over everything, so I'm going to go ahead and place most of the blame on him.

This is a bit ironic, because they were things that were missing from this sequel that could have been added. One of the things I was disappointment about the second film was that it did not focus more on RoboCop's family; they hinted at it in the beginning but instead took it in a different direction. So even though my expectations were low for this one, I was hoping that it would at least try to address that issue, but it didn't; it just kind of skimmed it over with some flashbacks.

Another aspect that got thrown to the side, and I can't believe I am upset by this but I am, were the commercials! Those fake commercials that they used to show during the newscasts in the first two films! When I saw them in the original film, I thought they were distracting at first, but they grew on me, and by the second one, they had become a trademarked form of comic relief for the series. In this one, however, there are only two of them, both of which are pretty lame. No fair, I was kind of looking forward to them! What a rip off!

So that's that. I think this film serves as an example of when a series simply runs out of ideas (justly or unjustly) and probably should have either had more effort put into it or have just stopped while it had the chance. I admit that this was not quite as bad as I thought it was going to be, but it is still a waste of time nonetheless. I do not recommend it.

I do not own any of these images. They are being used for entertainment purposes only. Please don't sue me.

NIC CAGE MONTH: Amos and Andrew (1993)

Director: E. Max Frye

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Samuel L. Jackson

Website: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0106266/

Welcome to Nic Cage Month, everyone! All Nic Cage, all the time and our first movie is an interesting little comedy from 1993 called Amos and Andrew.

The movie’s title is a sort of pun on this old radio sketch comedy show that eventually evolved into a TV sketch comedy show, Amos and Andy. The show revolved around the comedic exploits of two guys wearing black facepaint named Amos and Andy – big shock. The movie…is a little different. In this film, Samuel L. Jackson plays a wealthy black writer who comes to a small island to relax and enjoy his summer when he gets mistaken for a burglar in his new house. Two dipshits alert the police as well as the fattest, nosiest reporter alive and then all hell breaks loose.

But wait! When the corrupt chief of police, striving to get elected yet again, realizes he messes up, he consults a very special prisoner in his ranks…Nic Cage! Yes, the first time you see Nic Cage in this movie, he’s in prison; is anyone really surprised? The corrupt cop tells Cage to go pretend to be a house-robber, but things go wrong when he breaks the deal he made with Cage and Cage starts taking his role a little too seriously. What follows is pretty much your standard Comedy of Misunderstandings, so snugly fit into that role that it could be trademarked.

The good thing about this movie is that it is a well constructed, by-the-books comedy with some dramatic elements to make the audience all teary eyed. It pretty much checks all the boxes for what these kinds of movies have to do. Our two main characters are vastly different – Nic Cage is brash and spontaneous, without much regard for the law, and Samuel Jackson is uptight with a chip on his shoulder about his race. Yeah, doesn’t that kind of sound like his character in Die Hard with a Vengeance? Did he just have some kind of contractual obligation to play characters like that in ’93?

"I reserve the right to remain silent." 

But anyway, yeah; the characters get into various tiffs and get their panties in a bunch a few times, they bond with one another and there are several scenes where they point out what is so different about them. It’s pretty much everything you would expect out of a comedy like this. The bad side is that while the movie doesn’t do anything wrong, it also doesn’t really go the extra mile and blow the audience away, either. It’s not a movie you’ll really look back at and remember as a great piece of poignant cinema. It’s enjoyable while it’s on, but Amos and Andrew won’t really stick in your head afterward.

The movie is mostly carried by the two actors, because honestly, could you tell me you would watch this movie if it didn’t have Samuel Jackson or Nic Cage in it? Anybody? No? I thought so. Jackson is good as the prestigious, indignant Andrew Sterling, but it’s really Cage who is the more interesting character. You get a lot of sympathy for him because the cops screwed him over, and I think my favorite moment in the entire film is his speech about sea monkeys somewhere in the movie’s second act. It’s really poignant and will make you want to cry.

"You better not."

But THERE WILL BE NO CRYING DURING NIC CAGE MONTH! That’s for wimps!

So, yeah, check this movie out; it’s got some good moments here and there and certainly is at least a little bit of a gem. But there will be more outrageous discoveries to come in Nic Cage month…just you wait, readers.

Just you wait.

Pictures not mine, copyright of their original owners.

Review: Jason Goes to Hell (1993)

Director: Adam Marcus

Starring: Kane Hodder, John D. LeMay, Kari Keegan

Website: http://www.fridaythe13thfilms.com/films/jgth.html

This is Jason Goes to Hell.

…yup, no other explanation needed. Let’s get started. The movie opens with a girl going into a Crystal Lake cabin for no other reason than to…change a lightbulb, take off her clothes and turn on the bath water. Makes sense. Then Jason comes in, so she goes out to the hall to find him and is promptly almost slaughtered by him for the heinous crime of having a naked body underneath her clothes. So she gets thrown off a balcony, chased outside and then stands back as the FBI blow Jason to bits within a few seconds with nukes – yes, they bought nukes, and yes, they definitely couldn't have done this any time in the previous 8 films. They were just...waiting for the right time, I guess.

“Open fire, men! We can’t let him get to outer space to make Jason X!”

So, he’s dead. Movie over, right? No, then we get our title screen, Jason Goes to Hell…which makes me wonder what would happen if they confused this series with the Ernest movies. I mean we already had Jason Goes to Manhattan, what’s next? Jason Goes to Jail? Jason Goes to France? Jason Scared Silly? The credits play out over a black screen interspersed with clips of this guy taking him into the morgue for an autopsy. For some reason they pat him down…to make sure he’s not going to...do what, exactly? What they should have done is make sure JASON was really dead; there’s a cause worth patting someone down for! They even pat down the coroner later, like he’s going to do anything wrong in there…weird.

So after a good five minutes of jumpy orchestrations and drawn out opening credits, we finally have our first real scene involving the orderly guy…eating Jason’s heart. I am dead serious; he just stares at it for a few seconds, picks it up and starts chomping on the fucking thing. And apparently Jason’s heart is some kind of a catalyst for him to possess the body of whoever eats it. Huh. I wonder where that plot point came from. I don’t remember hearing about it in any of the past movies…is this that thing I always refer to as…plot convenience?

Nah, a Friday the 13^th movie would never do that.

So then we get introduced to our next big spectacle in this movie, Creighton Duke. His job, aside from being a bounty hunter, is to spout snarky phrases that would make him look like a real cool guy if his character was more developed – but there is no real substance beyond that. Why do I have a feeling that they were hoping to make an action figure out of this guy? He’s just so quick to spit out “badass” lines that don’t fool the audience or the actual characters in the movie, either, into thinking he’s actually cool. Also, he apparently is about the only one who thinks Jason is still alive, even though most of the country can hear the reports of the string of murders that is making its way back to, surprise surprise, Camp Crystal Lake. Who do they think is doing it, Keyser Soze? I mean really, how is everyone so skeptical about this? Are they even investigating other suspects for the murders to try and validate their suspicion? The only other guy who it could have possibly been is the orderly who they only classify as “missing,” with no other word about him at all! Make some sense, movie, make some sense!

Duke tries to intimidate a middle aged waitress at a diner serving “Hockey Burgers” and “Jason Fingers” to celebrate Jason’s death, and apparently she’s important to the plot somehow…he gets brushed off by some cops protecting her, she tells this skinny guy with glasses to meet her tonight, and then we cut to Jason doing what he does best. He kills some naked teenagers, a blonde chick in a checkered bonnet and then…well, bear with me here. This is honestly one of the strangest and most bizarre scenes in any Friday the 13^th movie as we see him kidnap a fat, mustached cop, strap him naked to a table, shave his mustache off and then we can assume he switches bodies and takes the time to put the guy’s clothes back on, as we see him kill the waitress in the next scene. But my question is…why the hell did he shave the cop’s mustache? I know it’s a mundane thing to bring up, but what the hell? It’s so out of nowhere and just flat out strange that it’s hilarious. He didn’t shave the other guy’s face who he possessed, so what the fuck?

Okay, moving on. So Jason/Cop-Without-Mustache kills the waitress just as that guy with the glasses from earlier comes in and tries to stop him. He gets arrested under suspicion of the murder and put into a cell next to Creighton Duke, who has more snarky witticisms to offer. Just what we needed. Apparently he was arrested for just…existing. He asks the glasses-guy to make a commitment to helping him fight Jason, and then promptly breaks his finger through the bars of their cells. Nice going, asshole, you just made it harder for him to help you fight. Truly you’re a battle strategist at heart.

Oh, wait, were we supposed to think that scene was badass? I’m sorry.

No, seriously, who the hell is this Creighton Duke and how does he magically have all the answers? Was there just…no other way you could possibly write this story without a fucking oracle of wisdom for you? So what, the only one who can kill Jason is the one who can destroy his heart, and that is the daughter of that waitress, who is conveniently also the ex-lover of the glasses-guy, who had her child…are you following this? I mean, it’s better than the shit they gave us in Halloween 6, but it’s still pretty out there. So Duke keeps breaking glasses-boy’s fingers to incapacitate him even further from actually doing anything to help, while telling him how to stop Jason all the while. And the glasses-boy just believes every word he says, without question, because of course the best person to trust on these life-and-death matters is a black guy in a prison cell who breaks your fingers before he tells you anything. The logic in this movie just astounds me.

So basically the waitress, her daughter Jessica and Jessica’s baby are somehow connected to the Voorhees bloodline, and they have the power to either kill him or make him reborn. Okay. Fine. I can live with that. Where does the movie go next? Well, Sir Brokenfingers breaks out of jail and goes to complete the insane mission that Duke gave him. He hides in the Voorhees house as Jessica’s new TV star boyfriend comes in for some reason talking on the phone about his plan to make their TV ratings go up by hiding the body of Jessica’s mom the dead waitress in the Voorhees house and having the police discover it on camera. What a douche. Fortunately he’s killed in about a second as the Cop-Without-Mustache shows up and possesses him now! Joyous. I’m so glad to see that Jessica left Sir Brokenfingers for this guy. It clearly shows how intelligent she is and how high standards she has.

By the way…have you noticed that we haven’t even gotten more than five lines of dialogue from Jessica herself, who is supposed to be this important plot point? That seems a little skewed; we should at least be able to care about her by this point, but frankly I care more about seeing Creighton Duke get killed than our supposed lead girl. But wait, we get a scene of her in the shower next, crying presumably about the fact that she’s in this movie, when the lights go off. She gets attacked by her Jason-Boyfriend, and then Sir Brokenfingers saves her. Like any sane person, she doesn’t believe a word he says, and runs to her daddy the police chief, who sends one of his guys after him, and he brings him in after a pretty funny scene where they point guns at each other.

And then we start The Big Chase as Jason in the body of that TV show guy kills everybody besides the two main characters and the baby. Oh, and Duke comes back, too, because I just really needed to see him again. Ugh. It’s revealed that apparently Jason can also use a DEAD VOORHEES to reincarnate himself! Meaning Jessica's mom whose dead body her TV boyfriend hid in the house as a prank. I’d let that sink in if we had more time, but frankly this review is WAAAY too long already, and it’s not worth getting angry over anymore. So, he couldn't have just knocked these fuckers down right after he killed her AT THE BEGINNING OF THE DAMN MOVIE and reincarnated himself THEN? It’s a shitty twist for a shitty plot, but at least it gets Jason back to how he should be, and the final climax isn’t actually that bad. The ending epilogue scene is pretty decent, even if it is too little, too late.

This movie sucks. I won’t waste too much more of your time with this, so let’s just skim over it – a shitty, hole-ridden plot, terrible characters, gore that is more disgusting than entertaining and a lack of any kind of human logic. This was the only Friday movie to feature such an elaborate plot, and if this is all they have, I say keep it, and give us back the Friday where all he does is kill dumbass, slutty teenagers at camp. That’s the better way to go.