REVIEW: The Sixth Sense (1999)

Director: M. Night Shyamalan

Starring: STUTTERING STANLEY!

Website: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0167404/

“STUTTERING STANLEY! STUTTERING STANLEY!”

-Cole

What can you say about M. Night Shyamalan? Well, lots of derogatory things. But what about the movies he made that were actually not all out terrible as opposed to just…hollow, and without much feeling that isn’t sappy melodrama? That’s right. This is The Sixth Sense.

The film starts out with Bruce Willis and his wife celebrating an award the mayor gave him for being a great psychologist. They go upstairs to have hot steaming sex and decidedly do NOT notice the crazy man in his underwear standing in their bathroom waiting for them. That’s a real buzzkill on the sexual tension, guy. Don’t you have any tact? Next time wait till AFTER they’re done ravaging each other to go nuts. It’s just proper manners and all.

So yeah, this is apparently one of Willis’ old patients who feels like Willis didn’t help him at all and maybe even made his problems worse. He says everyone calls him a freak. He pulls out a gun from God knows where – he’s only wearing his underwear, remember; so I don’t know if I want to think about where it was before…and then he shoots Willis straight in the chest, not even giving him one chance to say anything. He then shoots himself as the camera fades to black…to “the next fall.”

We then see Willis sitting outside this house on a breezy autumn day right out of any given commercial. Haley Joel Osment comes out and runs down the street, with Willis in hot pursuit. He goes into a church to play with his toys, because that’s where you always went to play when you were a kid, right? I remember I used the holy water to make a flood on my GI Joes. And in the confessionals we played hide and seek. Oh the fun times I had.

"Don't you mess with the action figures. My Macaulay Culkin-esque demeanor does NOT approve!"

So yeah, this is Cole, one of Willis’ new patients apparently, who likes to follow him wherever he goes and try to get him to talk about his feelings. They have some conversations and Willis even comes back again the next day at Cole’s house, where Cole just doesn’t want to talk. Willis tells Cole that if he can guess what Cole is thinking, then Cole has to take steps forward until he’s sitting in the chair opposite Willis. Of course, Cole goes along with it, even though everything Willis asks seems to be pretty specific. I think in reality this question-and-answer exchange might go a little bit differently:

BRUCE WILLIS: You’re thinking that your mom abandoned you after your father left.

COLE: What are you talking about, wacko? I just got home from school and I want some Cheez-Its. *steps back*

Oh, and the kid also has a watch, which apparently his father gave him before he left. Hmmm…

Well, I guess we know what really happened to it. I’m glad that problem’s solved.

So after that, Cole goes to school again the next day, where his teacher asks the class what the history of the school is. Cole says people got hanged there, and the teacher says that it isn’t true. Cole thinks the teacher is looking at him funny and calls him out on it. Cole starts screaming violently at the guy, shouting “STUTTERING STANLEY, STUTTERING STANLEY!” over and over again. Yeah, apparently that’s what all the kids used to call the teacher when he was a kid. How Cole knows this isn’t yet explained, but it is really funny and probably the only part of this movie that really got a reaction out of me. I mean, it’s just so over the top goofy sounding. He just cups his ears and starts fucking screaming at the poor guy. On top of that, wouldn’t it suck to coincidentally have a name that starts with the same letter that your disability does? That’s just asking for it.

After Stuttering Stanley calls him a freak (is there no other insult in this world but ‘freak’?), Cole is sitting alone waiting for his mom when Bruce Willis comes in again. They have another conversation about Cole’s insecurity and I just have to wonder, how many times are they going to do this? It’s like the movie has such a short attention span that it thinks we wouldn’t get the point if they didn’t CRAM IT IN every five minutes that Willis is trying to help Cole out. We get it. You can do something else now. Oh, so Willis shows Cole a magic trick with a quarter? Big whoop.

So Cole gets invited to this other kid’s birthday party who he apparently doesn’t like. He shows the same trick with the quarter to some other kid, who promptly tells him it’s stupid. Cole is so frustrated at this that he leaves and goes upstairs, where a ghost is rattling around inside a cupboard. These two bullies happen to see him from downstairs, and follow him up there. Because all little kids aside from the main character are little douchenozzles with no human qualities, they lock him inside the cupboard as he screams for his life. Isn’t that just precious? Speaks volumes for the rights and protection of little children everywhere! His mom gets him out but by then he’s already fainted and has to be taken to the hospital.

Now, brace yourselves, audience. You’re about to witness one of the GREATEST…no, no, that won’t work…one of the MOST MEMORABLE…no, no, that isn’t it either…oh, I got it. YOU’RE ABOUT TO WITNESS ONE OF THE MOST OVER-USED POP CULTURE PHRASES OF THE 90S! As Willis comes into the hospital room – does he have any life besides tending to this kid? I mean, I’m glad to see a doctor taking a personal interest in his patients but GEEZ – Cole is lying there and says he’ll finally tell Willis his secret. He says “I see dead people.”

Well so do they, and look how they turned out!

Yup. That’s the big reveal. No big secret behind it, no explanation, no nothing. Just “I see dead people.” And we’re supposed to ACCEPT that, movie? We’re supposed to buy this obvious cop out of cheap writing? You expect me to just lie down and TAKE this?

…well, yeah. Yeah. That is what I’m going to do.

So apparently Cole sees ghosts everywhere and they try to talk to him. He’s afraid of them, so Willis tells him – apparently not questioning this at all or thinking about the repercussions of telling him to keep indulging in his could-be-insane-fantasies – to try and actually help the ghosts next time. The movie, ignoring the fact that this could be a potentially awesome plot for an entire other film, mostly shoves this into the last third of its running time. We see several ghosts roaming his house, including one kid that was shot in the head by his own father and a sick, diseased looking mom that slit her wrists trying to escape her abusive husband. So yeah. Those would make for interesting plotlines, right? These will really give the film the extra edge it needs to forever etch itself inside the viewer’s mind, right?

Too much oatmeal...

No, instead they go ONLY with the little girl whose mother poisoned her until she died, which I have to say is a much less interesting plot. What kind of fucked up parent would do that? Why? Well, I looked on the Wikipedia page for this movie and it claimed that this is actually a form of child abuse called Munchausen syndrome by proxy. How did Shyamalan know enough about this disease to include it in his movie? My guess is he spent a day looking through medical textbooks for some obscure disease that nobody in the mainstream would know about. But at least somebody’s being creative…not like you’d see that from him again in the future too much.

Then in the car later he tells his mom that he can see ghosts, citing that his grandmother comes to visit him all the time from beyond the grave and tells him that she’s proud of his mother every day. This provokes an extremely sappy and overdone scene that mostly makes me roll my eyes and tap my feet on the floor waiting for it to end.

Meanwhile, while that’s going on we get Willis’ side of the story. Apparently his wife doesn’t like the person he’s become after he got shot in the beginning of the film. Gee. I wonder why that is? It couldn’t possibly be because he’s been spending every waking moment with a little kid who claims to see ghosts, could it? Maybe she wouldn’t cheat on you if you actually gave her the time of day! Maybe if you…oh, wait, I’m sorry, we have a big stupid plot twist interrupting: HE’S BEEN DEAD THE WHOLE TIME AND HAS NOT BEEN ABLE TO ACCEPT IT! Through a montage of scenes we already saw in the movie, Shyamalan guides us safely through this whole thing without any confusion at all. Because, as the viewers, we are far too stupid to figure it out for ourselves. Aw. How nice of him.

So yeah, The Sixth Sense; it’s pretty much lame and yet everyone loves it for some reason. Admittedly, this is a lot better than most of the bullshit I review on this blog. It’s decently acted, the story is told OK and the recurring themes and elements are well done for a pop film intended for wide audiences. It might not be the most intelligent or the most emotional film out there, and it doesn't delve as much into Cole's psyche and problems as I would have liked, but I can at least kind of see why people like it so much. Even if I think it’s pretty boring and silly. But enough of that shit. It’s time to review the Cube movies.

AHHHHHHHH!

NIC CAGE MONTH FINALE: Leaving Las Vegas (1995)

Director: Mike Figgis
Starring: Nicolas Cage, Elizabeth Shue

Website: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0113627/

Sera: Is drinking a way of killing yourself? 

Ben Sanderson: Or, is killing myself a way of drinking?

This is one of the most gorgeous movies I’ve seen in a while. It’s full of colors, from the seductive scarlets of Nicolas Cage’s hotel room to the mesmerizing neons of Las Vegas and its various wacky characters to the bright yellows of the desert roads. It’s a movie that is full of colors to its brim, endowed with a lot of really lush, dense scenery that draws you in like a lethal intoxicant; alcohol, perhaps, as is Nic Cage’s drug throughout the movie. This is a very alcoholic movie at its core in the way that once you’re drawn in, you don’t want to leave. Like a drug, this film captivates instantly and for a long time. The scenery is coupled with a constant flow of slow, moody music that make the film look often like a warped music video. It’s actually done quite well.

So the cinematography is golden. But really, you’re not here to watch a glorified two hour music video, so how’s the story? It basically revolves around Nicolas Cage as a depressive alcoholic filmmaker who has been laid off his job. He decides to go to Las Vegas to drink himself to death, where he meets a Hooker with a Heart of Gold who helps him and who he helps in return…even if he doesn’t know he’s doing it. They’re spiraling on a path of destruction but they both really need one another, clinging for comfort. “You’re my angel,” Cage keeps saying, lost in a drunken haze. Shue puts up with all the shit he breaks, all the places he gets her kicked out of. They compromise for each other. Like a good relationship should do.

Not that their relationship is a typical one. It’s almost hyperreal, in that it is so powerful and so emotionally chained down. These people would be destroyed without each other, and when they do finally break up near the end of the film (after Cage sleeps with another prostitute), it’s clear that they are. Everyone who’s seen this movie knows that it’s about dependency, but really, if you haven’t seen it yet, you’re in for a surprise. This is a very honest and raw portrayal of a relationship – glamorized in some ways, sure; but only little touches, just to make the movie flow better. It’s dramatic, it’s destructive, it’s teary, it’s hyperreal. These people are locked in together, both with past sorrows, both needing one another more than anything else in their lives – more than water, more than food, more than air. They complete one another wholly.

So that’s enough about the story and such, how about the actors? This is probably Nicolas Cage’s highlight of his career. And it seems that everyone else agrees, too, because he won an Oscar for it. Being Cage, there are a few moments of extreme goofiness at hand. Right from the start when you see him strolling along with his sunglasses on and picking out different beers from the grocery store, you will laugh. He kind of reminds me of Hunter S. Thompson here. Maybe it’s just the sunglasses, but his callous, somewhat violent and carefree nature really reminded me of him. For the most part, though, this is a very serious and tragic performance, and Cage attacks it with a lot of heart and soul. When he smiles, you can see it; that odd, careless flare of a man who has lost everything…and when he freaks out and does something ridiculous, you feel for him, because he can’t help himself.

The real turning point with him comes when he fucks the other prostitute in Shue’s own house. I mean, how far gone are you? Look at his eyes. He’s gone, man. He’s never coming back, and he knows it. This is why he came here. It is unfortunate that he fell into such a heavy relationship, but really, he was headed for this crash-landing all along, as much as he loved Shue and as good of a guy as he may have been when he wasn’t screwing everything else up. He spends so much of the movie in a drunken stupor that you wonder how his liver doesn’t give out sooner. Watching some of these scenes, you really get a good picture of the lowest points a human being can be at. It really shows you the worst places a formerly well-established man can sink to, short of being homeless or dead. And he welcomes it with open arms, Cage does. This is the endpoint. Game over. No future anymore.

Shue’s character, Sera, is jaded and cynical on the outside. One of the most telling moments early on in the film is when Cage tells her he’ll drive her back to his hotel. She gets in the car and he asks her name, and the look of surprise on her face, subtle as it is, really shows a lot about her character. There’s this guardedness in her that you see in most prostitutes – although of course her character is a ‘movie prostitute,’ tried and true; most of the real ones probably aren’t so pretty and clean-cut. I really like the hidden delicacy and femininity she has hidden under the rock-hard exterior, and the small slivers where it does show. Like when she gives Cage his gifts when they move in together. She is a strong woman who will put up with a lot of crap. She just wanted someone to lie her head down on, someone to comfort her. It’s a shame Cage couldn’t be that for her.

Her profession is rough and not very glamorous, and she knows it, but has to keep doing it to pay the bills. She’s got it pretty damn hard. One of the more trying scenes to watch is when she gets raped by those three fratboy-jock douchebags in their stupid sports shirts in that crappy motel room. You really only see parts of it, but damn, it’s brutal, even moreso because you probably like her character so much. No one should ever be abused or hurt like this. And for an extra punch in the gut, she gets evicted right afterward. Isn’t that nice? Shue is a lot soul and it shows. Her character isn’t the most original out there, but DAMN does she ever pull it off. That goes for Cage, too; he just plays a regular old drunk. But he does it with such style that it does not matter. Goddamn, this has such great characters! So real, so passionate.

Leaving Las Vegas is an epochal film. It is truly one of those movies that says a lot with very few words. If you’ve seen it, then you know what I’m talking about; this movie is powerful. And if you haven’t, go rent it now. It’s worth your time more than…well, most Nicolas Cage movies at least. And then some. Nicolas Cage even won an Oscar for this film, which to some people might not matter, but in the end, does place Leaving Las Vegas and his performance in a very special, hallowed golden hall. Worthy of respect.

So this has been Nic Cage Month, everybody. There were bad times, there were good times. We laughed, we cried and we felt our minds go numb from confusion, mostly at Cage’s acting. We didn’t review as many Nicolas Cage films as we wanted to, but all things considered, we did an OK job. Nicolas Cage is one of those guys who you just can’t avoid. He does so much weird, crazy shit that eventually, you have to notice him, and I can just hope that this month’s reviews have served as a helpful guide.

Now. To April!

NIC CAGE MONTH: The Wicker Man (2006)

Director: Neil LaBute

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Ellen Burstyn, Kate Beahan

Website: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0450345/

“You have my permission to STAY OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY!”

-Nicolas Cage

What a vile, vapid, stupid pile of visual garbage. What a rancid cinematic venture…oh, sorry, I was just expressing my HEINOUS dislike of this GODAWFUL movie I just saw. Yes, it’s still Nicolas Cage month, and this is one of his worst movies ever. People, prepare your missiles, grab your shotguns and get ready to want to kill everyone involved in this one. This…sigh…is The Wicker Man.

And I don’t mean the 1970s suspenseful thriller that had a chilling atmosphere and sense of isolation and terror around every corner. I mean the ass-raping remake that came out just a few years ago starring Nicolas Cage. Why Nicolas Cage? Because he’ll do anything, and nobody else was STUPID enough to sign on for this horse diarrhea of a movie. This is a really stupid pile of clichés and plot craters (not holes; CRATERS) that will make you want to dig your eyes out with a rusty spoon, so let’s just get started.

We start off with an empty, barren road with nothing on it at all. Very fitting as it probably describes this movie quite well. Then we see the diner from Legion where two cops are having lunch. One of them is Nicolas Cage! Haven’t seen him in the last few weeks at Cinema Freaks, have we? The idea of Nicolas Cage being a cop is almost as scary as Nicolas Cage being a magician is hilarious, but I guess I’ll just go with it. We see him doing incredibly risky and daring cop-like things like…handing little girls their dolls back when they threw them on the side of the road. Edgy.

The true horror of this film.

But then tragedy strikes when a big 18 wheeler comes out of nowhere and slams into the car, making it burst into flames. How did this happen in broad daylight? God only knows…well, really, probably not even God knows that. No, this is just in that special realm of logic known as Hollywood Logic, where big, heavy vehicles are driven, apparently, by blind people. Nic Cage tries valiantly to save the little girl and her mother but sadly cannot, and an explosion destroys the car once and for all. We then fade to black.

The movie re-opens with Cage sitting around on his couch taking pills for his depression. I just hope it isn’t like that other movie where he took a lot of pills to ease his pain…

Eugh.

So this female officer comes in and gives him a bunch of letters from concerned folks wishing him well, and in the pile he finds one that isn’t stamped at all. This one is from his old flame Willow.

Not that Willow; that would be if this movie was actually awesome. But anyway, she’s writing to Cage to tell him that she has a missing daughter, and that she only trusts Cage to help her find her. Cage talks to one of his buddies at the station about it, and it is revealed that the place Willow lives at is called Summersisle, a sort of weird Amish-hippie commune of women who grow their own crops and everything. Cage decides to go to the island to help despite his cop buddy’s skepticism.

He gets a lift from this old fuck who’s delivering food and stuff after bribing him with lots of cash. He is immediately greeted by three old hags who pretty much act condescending and rude to him from the get go, oblivious to the fact that he’s been invited there by his ex. Their reasoning? HE’S A MAN. HE MUST BE EVIL. DESTROY THE PENIS.

Yeah, you’re in for quite a lot of feministic vomit from this movie in the next hour and a half, so buckle your seatbelts. They tell him that Willow’s daughter, named Rowan, doesn’t really exist, and it’s incredibly obvious from the get-go that they’re all hiding something. If these women are so smart though, how come they had no idea he was coming? And since they’re obviously covering something up, why the hell do they even let him stay? Yeah, he’s an officer of the law, but…they don’t have to abide by the United States laws. They’ve got their own rules and governing practices and everything, so what the hell, man? It’s like, ‘Oh, you’re trying to destroy everything we’ve established and possibly cause the obliteration of everything we stand for. OK, you can stay the night.’ STUPID!

Oh, and there’s this really weird part where the old ladies have these two guys bring up this burlap sack dripping with blood and writhing crazily. When Cage tries to touch it, they scare him and start laughing…uh, I don’t get it. I guess it must be some of that oh-so-highbrow hippie coven humor that I’ve heard so much about. Truly these people keep alive the art of good humor!

Ugh, so then Cage finally meets Willow, who I think is trying to set a record for the most penetrating wide-eyed stare ever recorded on film. Seriously, she looks like a fucking raccoon half the time she’s on screen.

The eyes are the windows to the soul...

It’s established that nobody on the island likes Willow; they’ve been saying it ever since Cage got on the island, and she even admits that she has ‘wild ways.’ Which brings up another question for this movie; how come they don’t just kill her? She’s the only one on the whole fucking island who’s going against the accepted story that Rowan never existed, and they’re all pretty obviously bugged about that, so why don’t they just make her disappear too? THIS MAKES NO GODDAMN SENSE AT ALL!

After that, Cage goes on a trek through the city looking for people to interview, when he comes across a school of identical little girls who probably didn’t make it into The Shining for that one famous scene. The teacher, Sister Rose, steps outside with him and tells him exactly what happened: Rowan is not ‘dead,’ but has been ‘given to the Earth,’ or some hippie-ass crap like that. But she also has a Freudian slip and lets out that Rowan will be sacrificed, rather than already has been. Whoops.

Well at least he isn't trying to teach the ABCs again.

So…how come nobody else couldn’t have told him this? If they just lied and told him she was dead from the start, this whole thing could have been over in 2 seconds! Why the hell are they making it so complicated? Why is this movie so stupid? Why did Nic Cage even agree to do it? Why? WHY?

But no, then we get Cage wandering around through some corn fields to a graveyard, where Willow finds him. They exchange some awkward dialogue when Willow just comes out with the big stupid plot twist we were all waiting for: CAGE IS REALLY THE FATHER! This just gives a whole new meaning to all those times a character asked why Willow didn’t just contact the father! Boy, movie, you really threw me for a loop…go shoot yourself. Slowly and painfully.

RED LIGHT!

So Cage keeps investigating, all the while experiencing pointless, vague “visions” from his drug use, I guess, that don’t really point toward anything so much as just confuse us all. He’s running around outside when he gets attacked by bees, which he’s deathly allergic to. He gets healed by this crazy doctor lady who, of course, used only natural herbs to do it. Then he talks with Sister Summersisle herself, who has perfected the language of vagueness to the extreme.

NIC CAGE: What happens if someone happens to have a boy? What happens then?

SISTER SUMMERSISLE: That depends.

NIC CAGE: One more question, because I just don’t get you; I don’t get this place…

SISTER SUMMERSISLE: You will…in time.

Can you be any less specific?

So yeah, then Cage goes prowling in the graveyard again and this time finds himself locked inside an underwater vent all night. He does find Rowan’s shirt and her little doll, but he’s also REALLY PISSED OFF when Willow comes to rescue him. He goes running around in the village looking for Summersisle, and finds instead a bunch of really weird crap, like an old one eyed man locked in a room, naked in bed. And then a naked girl covered with bees, tied to a chair…these people have some very odd ideas about feng shui, don’t they? None of this is ever explained or shown again, by the way. Because I guess showing us things that are actually disturbing or worth talking about isn't this movie's bag.

So Cage goes nuts. This, ladies and gents, is the best segment of any Nicolas Cage movie. It is what I like to call, Cage Rage. It’s where he completely loses his shit and freaks out on everyone involved. It’s…not so much fun for everyone else in the movie, but for us, it’s just golden. So, Wicker Man. Bestow upon us your hallowed Cage Rage.

He punches a few women, puts on a bear suit and sneaks into the parade (to Willow’s complete lack of surprise – I guess he did this kind of shit all the time) and then runs up a hill and knocks out the people trying to burn poor Rowan.

…seriously? That’s really it? That’s all the Cage Rage you’re giving us? I’ve seen paper towel dispensers with more energy than this! What a frigging ripoff! I’m very disappointed.

He escapes with Rowan into the woods, where they hide for a while before running back into the feminist mob out in the field. It is then revealed that – gasp, shock, awe – the whole thing was a set up the entire time! Yes, Willow was just pretending to like him all along, even back when they were together. Apparently the whole thing was a plot to offer Nicolas Cage as a sacrifice to the gods to bring the crops back, even though they couldn’t possibly have known exactly when their crops would go bad 7 or 8 years previously when Cage and Willow were actually together, could they? And why the hell would they go through all this trouble, waiting almost a decade if not more, to get the guy who starred in National Treasure? There really wasn’t any other way they could get someone to sacrifice? I mean, look at him:

I mean OK, so it has to be someone ‘connected’ to them, fine, whatever. But here’s another question, then; why the hell couldn’t these hippie-feminist hags have gotten Willow to bring Cage over while they were still together? It probably would have made a lot more sense than waiting so fucking long. And why were they acting so creepy and weird this whole time? Wouldn’t it have been easier to entrap him if they had acted nice and hospitable to him, to catch him off guard? None of this makes any fucking sense at all! It’s like a labyrinth of plot holes; truly a landmark in horrible writing. Nothing in this movie is even remotely connected to normal human logic.

So they burn Nicolas Cage alive, sing about how the drone must be sacrificed, and the movie ends. Yeah. It ends with Nicolas Cage burning alive. Isn’t that twice now in his career that he’s been set on fire and burnt alive? Well, Kick-Ass came after this movie. But still.

What kind of mindboggling thought process ever conceived of this movie? How can anyone think it’s even remotely redeemable? The Wicker Man is one of those movies that is just spectacularly unentertaining in every possible way. Even the Cage Rage wasn’t all that great! God, it’s like they were trying to be as horrible as they possibly could.

And aside from that, what am I supposed to gain from it? The original one was scary because you were so detached and removed from this alien world the main character was in, and the whole theme was about a man in over his head in a completely isolated area. You get that a little here, but it's played up a lot more sympathetically here. In the new one, you get a tragic backstory for the main guy and a lot closer into his personal life, so when he burns alive at the end, you’re not really left with anything because there wasn’t really a reason he had to die. Sure, people die in real life, but what does this story gain from having Nicolas Cage burn alive at the end when all he was trying to do was help out his own damn daughter? There’s no reason for it; no artistic integrity and no gain in the plot. This whole movie is just a gaping black void of quality. Nothing about it is remotely good. It’s as meaningless as they get, it’s clichéd beyond belief and it just has no reason to exist at all!

Eugh, screw it, I’m just gonna go listen to the Iron Maiden song instead. Way better than this shit.

You watch the world exploding every single night

Dancing in the sun a newborn in the light

Brothers and their fathers joining hands and make a chain

The shadow of the Wicker Man is rising up again


None of these images are mine. Nor is the Iron Maiden song mine. However awesome it may be.

NIC CAGE MONTH: Bad Lieutentenant: Port of Call New Orleans (2009)

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Eva Mendes, Val Kilmer

Director: Werner Herzog

IMDb: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1095217/

Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bad_Lieutenant:_Port_of_Call_New_Orleans#cite_note-csn-5

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...WOW...

Okay, before we get to...this...let's do a little introduction to director Werner Herzog. I'm not too familiar with his work, but I know that he is capable of doing very well-crafted films such as "Rescue Dawn". But then he pulls a stunt by making the documentary "Grizzly Man", which is to this day the funniest movie I have ever seen which was not suppose to be that funny. I do not know whether this is accidental or if he just has a weird sense of humor. Either way, that vibe can definitely be felt in this picture.

Sort of, but not really, based on the 1992 film "Bad Lieutenant" (haven't seen it, so I can't be sure), the film is actually for the most part a fairly gritty police drama. Terrance McDonagh, played by, you guessed it, Nicolas Cage, is a police officer in New Orleans who is injured on the job which gives him chronic back pain. This eventually leads him to become a drug addict, stealing from the evidence locker of his department and committing other immoral acts. In one particularly disturbing scene, he confronts a couple coming out of a club, confiscates their drugs, uses them, and then has sex with the woman right there in the parking lot. Yeah...he's not a very nice guy.

Anyway, he takes on this case involving a triple homicide, which he has to juggle with a number of other tasks, like paying off his bookie, dealing with his alcoholic father's dog, as well as his hooker girlfriend, played by Eva Menedes.

No, this is not that movie...Thank God...

None of this appears to be too unusual...until it gets to this one part where they zoom in on and alligator on the side of the road. Why? I don't know; its never really explained. This is when the film starts to get a little weird.

And by weird, I mean...this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qkT0eOzsJ5E

What the fu...really?! Almost full minute of iguanas?! WHY?!!! I mean, the obvious exclamation is that McDonagh is really high and is having a hallucination. But it does not take place from his point of view! Sure, there have been other films that have done this, but this doesn't seem to match up: it literally just looks like the camera man zooming in and out on the iguanas for no reason at all!!! What have you been smoking, Herzog?!

Ok, after...that...McDonagh volunteers to take care of a kid who witnessed the triple homicide. How does he do this? By snorting coke while driving the car they are in, getting into argument with a some douchebag who beat up his girlfriend, and then taking him to a casino. WORST. POLICE PROTECTION. EVER!

So after the kid runs off (can you blame him?), McDonagh confronts witness' grandmother at a retirement home where she is taking care of an elderly patient. Tired and stoned out of his mind, he proceeds to harass them, putting a gun to the grandmother's head and pulling out the old lady's oxygen tank. I know this sounds really awful, and it kind of is, but...in a sick, dark, twisted way, it is actually really funny! I love the lines he says at the end of the scene about...well, I won't ruin it for you.

I will not get into too many more details because I do not want to spoil the rest of the film. Let's just say he gets into a lot more mischief, and yet somehow things seem to work out okay...sort of. Oh, and if you have seen the trailer for it where McDonagh says "Shoot him again...Because his soul is still dancing. HAHAHA!", definitely watch out for that part; it is hilarious! The last two lines of the film, particularly the last one, are great as well.

Overall, I would say that this is a decent movie. Aside from Val Kilmer not doing anything (he can't help it, he's Val Kilmer), the acting is pretty good (Cage has his fair share of his trademark "freak outs" in this one), and most of the subplots seem to come together pretty well. It is very slow paced and so it kind of drags during some parts. And as I have said before, despite most of the stuff I focused on, its a bit of a downer. Still, the scenes that I will always remember are the weird, trippy ones. They appear out of nowhere and just leave you bewildered and laughing. I don't know what Herzog was thinking when added those scenes, whether it fit with the character's mindset or to lighten the mood or some other reason. Whatever it is, I am glad they are in there.

I recommend this movie. I know it has gotten a lot of critical acclaim and some people are probably going to get annoyed with me for not taking it that seriously, but hey, I'm not trying to bash it; I'm just praising it from another prospective: the perceptive of the iguanas. Anyway, it's a good film by itself, but even if you don't feel like watching the whole thing, at least download some of the clips from YouTube. It's totally worth it.

Well, NIC CAGE MONTH is almost over. I don't know if this will be the last entry for the site, but it is for me (granted, it's also my only one, but, what can you do?). And so, I leave you with a few magical moments from Cage...when he did five commercials in Japan for a company called Pachinko. Enjoy:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nYkw-5htPw0

These images and videos are not mine and are for entertainment purposes only. Please don't sue me.

NIC CAGE MONTH: The Sorcerer's Apprentice (2010)

Director: Jon Turtletaub

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Jay Baruchel, Alfred Molina

Website: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0963966/

Today’s movie is called The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, or alternately, Nic Cage Needs Money. It’s a very loose remake of one of the segments of Fantasia, and I do mean loose. I mean, how many times did you look at this:

…and think, hey, I really think this would be improved if they added Nicolas Cage in there!

Never? Well, that’s because you have a functioning brain. Let’s get this over with quick.

The movie opens with epic music and a riveting tale about how Merlin had three apprentice sorcerers he trusted with his secrets – among them Nicolas Cage, who plays a guy named Balthazar. Apparently in medieval times they were all fighting against Morgana Lefay (because there’s nothing else to do in medieval times) when one of the other sorcerers, Horvath, betrayed them and went to her side. The narration says that there is one person called the Prime Merlinean who will be able to stop her. The Prime Merlinean? Really? That sounds like the name of some weird mathematical tool. So yeah, apparently the female sorcerer, Veronica, traps Morgana Lefay’s soul inside herself, except then Morgana Lefay starts killing her from the inside, like some viral form of the alien from Alien.

Like that except less bloody. That's not Disney-friendly.

So Cage has to trap them both inside a statue thing called the Grimhold, or better yet, Incredibly Forced Plot Device. He then spends the next thousand years wandering around to different countries searching for this Prime Merlinean to help defeat Morgana Lefay, who apparently will get out someday, or something. How come he can’t just perform some other Deus Ex Machina spell to get rid of her for good? Because…well, it’s Nic Cage, do you even have to ask? He probably spent his time searching for the Prime Merlinean by doing this to random people on the streets:

We then immediately cut to a Buzz Lightyear alarm clock, a little kid with a dog and his mom screaming at him to wear clean underwear. That fits in with the epic medieval sorcery we just saw five seconds ago, right?

So this is our main kid Dave. He likes to engage in such hobbies as drawing on the bus windows in permanent marker only so when the bus passes the empire state building for 3 seconds, it looks like King Kong is climbing it. That’s…really lame. He apparently likes this girl in his class named Becky, who he passes a note to with two boxes asking if she wants to be either his friend or his girlfriend. She checks off one of the boxes and puts the paper down, only for it to blow away in a very convenient gust of wind. He chases it down, but we all know that she really wrote in a third option that just said “Get me out of this movie ASAP.”

He eventually ends up at the most littered street in the city that happens to be in front of a magic shop. He goes in and immediately knocks over and breaks a ton of priceless artifacts. But it’s OK. Nic Cage dressed up in a black coat and a pointy sorcerer’s hat (I know…) comes out and tells Dave to follow him to a dark corner, then using magic to lock all the doors in the building. Apparently he’s going to give him this dragon ring thing that, if it works, means he is the chosen one, that Prime Merlinean from before. So how does he know to test this kid? Is it like, “Please try it? I’ve asked EVERY OTHER person who’s ever come in here and none of them were ever the chosen one!” I mean, talk about desperate. Cage says something about it being because he’s a bad liar, but how is that a criterion? By that logic, you could just as easily determine the chosen one by what color socks he’s wearing! Or by how many times he's survived having his face cut off and replaced with John Travolta's. That would be a trial of even the strongest man's mortal will.

Surviving a hammy Travolta performance? Even more trying than the MOST DANGEROUS OF QUESTS Merlin could think up!

But seriously, Nicolas Cage as a sorcerer? Hold on while I laugh my ass off! He looks hungover for most of this. But then, can you really blame him? Nic Cage tells him to stand still and not touch anything while he presumably goes to drink more Vodka, so the kid does the logical thing, and sets loose the EEEEVVVVIIIILLL Horvath from the statue thing by accident. Damn kids always letting loose those evil sorcerers who never age and who will remember your name for eternity if you piss them off. No respect for their elders, these kids today.

So they have a big fight and Dave runs outside with the statue and throws it across the street randomly as his teacher comes up and scares him. The building is now empty and Nic Cage and Horvath are both inside the statue again, inexplicably. Dave has a fit of terrible acting on the steps, and everyone makes fun of him for 10 years for it. Should have taken some acting classes, kid.

Yes, we then fast forward 10 whole years and Dave is a nerdy college kid with an annoying voice and no great improvements in acting talent. He talks to his black roommate (because the movie needed one black kid in order to not be completely racist) who tells him that he has to be one of the wolf pack, or else he’ll get eaten by a bear.

Not that kind of bear!

So, yeah, ten years to the day (…yeah, really) and he meets up with that girl he tried to ask out and runs back into Horvath all at the same time. Convenient enough for you yet? I especially like how Horvath is just randomly released in front of the two old farts that came across the jar. The looks on their faces pretty much sum up the whole movie: Slight bewilderment but mostly a sense of condescending annoyance. Dave somehow hits it off with the girl by…well, probably by brainwashing her in a scene they cut out of the movie. There’s no other explanation. I mean, he DOES have magical powers, and he can't get a girl any other way, so I don't think this is too big of a logical leap.

We also get the reappearance of Nic Cage, who flies in on a big metal eagle-shaped scrap heap and saves Dave’s life from Horvath. He then trains Dave in the world of magic. Dave sucks at it, but to be fair, Nic Cage at least isn’t shooting him in the chest as preparation this time, so I think Cage is at least improving a bit on the teaching front. Although maybe shooting this kid a few times wouldn’t hurt anything. Meanwhile, Horvath recruits a famous TV magician who he says is the only follower of Morgana left around. The kid pretty much looks like something Dir En Grey would shit out:

Is there ANY DIFFERENCE?

So Dave starts hooking up with that Becky chick again as Nic Cage teaches him about magic. I still can’t get over that; Nicolas Cage teaching magic? Maybe when he’s really high. The kid reenacts that famous scene from Fantasia; you know, the one with the animated brooms. It’s pretty much the only real way this movie is connected to the original Fantasia, and it’s pretty forced. But I guess it could have been worse. We could get an even whinier, even more sad-eyed performance from Dave…oh, wait, spoke too soon. You know, listening to this kid whine, I’m starting to think he should have been shipped off to military school. He really, really does need some fucking humility slapped into him. “Ooh, I can’t go out with the only girl who ever lowered herself to give me a chance! MY LIFE IS MISERY even though my companion is a sorcerer who has been searching a thousand years for me and has probably seen more suffering and pain than I can ever imagine!” Deserving of a slap in the face right there!

And seriously, Becky is his true love? She’s an elementary school crush, kid!

OK, so moving on; Dave has to give up the dragon ring that lets him use his magic powers as well as the statue to Horvath when he kidnaps Becky. Nic Cage forgives him as he would have done the same thing, and Dave has to tell Becky about what is really going on. He starts off in the worst way possible by saying that he is a sorcerer and can do spells. Of course, she believes it without questioning anything at all. To be fair, she has just seen a lot of really weird, unexplainable events, but still, if some guy told me he could do spells, I’d probably assume he had just been playing too much D&D.

For fun, let’s gauge the reactions of a normal human being versus this movie’s extreme liberties taken with suspending disbelief:

NORMAL GIRL: You just told me you’re a sorcerer and that you can do magic spells. Excuse me while I move over here to the phone…I’m certainly NOT calling the mental institution to come pick you up…*smaller voice* Please don’t kill me…

MOVIE GIRL: You’re a sorcerer and you can do spells? AWESOME, LET’S GO DRIVE AROUND!

So yeah, then Dave has the brilliant idea to fight magic with science, as he calls his roommate to come help him set up some Tesla coils to stop the bad guy. His roommate does so even though he’s in the middle of a date…because I guess the kid is Dave’s bitch and will do anything he says. Convenient to have those friends with nothing better to do than run around at your beck and call!

Then we get the BIG FINAL BATTLE, where Morgana Lefay has been released after all and is making a big old ring of fire in the sky. Dave tells Becky to go to the top of this satellite tower and knock it off its course so the ring of fire will not be completed. Yeah, the big Deus Ex Machina this time is just…knocking a satellite a little bit to the left. I guess you can’t accuse them of being unoriginal…meanwhile, at the big battle, Nic Cage is killed. Dave kills Morgana Lefay with his best Kamehameha wave…

Still better than Dragonball Evolution...

…but Nic Cage is still dead. A good character dead in a Disney movie? Like hell! Dave resurrects him in some stupid way and everything is happy again! Dave and Becky go riding off into the night on the big scrap heap eagle thing and Dave says that he doesn’t know how to land it. Becky laughs, and then the credits start to roll. Which is an odd way to end a movie, isn’t it? I mean what happens after that? My guess is this:

DAVE: No…no, really, I don’t know how to stop. We’re going to crash into the Atlantic Ocean. Oh, God, I’ve wasted my life! Somebody save us! Can we make out one more time before we land? What’s that? You hate my guts for getting you into this mess and you could have been doing something actually worthwhile with your life otherwise? Oh, God, here it comes…AAHHHHHHHHHH….*splat* Blrbrbrbblrb….

Yeah, this was stupid. I mean I guess it wasn’t horrible or anything, but it was just so clichéd and so soulless in nearly every aspect that it was just dull. The characters weren’t interesting, with only Nic Cage being even slightly enjoyable to watch, the story was just phoned in, and the connection to Fantasia was shaky at best. Of all the teen fantasy flicks you could have watched…this isn’t one of the good ones.

None of these images are mine. They're all copyright of their original owners.

NIC CAGE MONTH: Snake's Eyes (1998)

Well, got to keep Nic Cage Month rolling somehow, so let’s just dive into 1998’s Snake Eyes, directed by Brian De Palma.

Director: You don't read very well, do you?

Starring: You're not really paying attention, are you?

Here's the website!

I know what you’re thinking. Brian De Palma? Didn’t he direct that inimitable gangster classic Scarface? Well, yes. But he also directed the pinnacle of ass-ness known as 2006’s Black Dahlia; a film so horrible that it defies all conventions of horribleness known to man. So what was I supposed to expect from this? Well, it’s a bit in between those two extremes.

I mean, on the one hand, it’s got Nic Cage playing a badass action hero. He does a good job at that, and he does a good job here. His performance is goofy but also heartfelt, and you really get into watching him kick ass as the movie goes on. There are no freak outs in this movie, though. He plays it pretty straight, and overall his performance is acceptable. Carla Gugino is also good as the female lead, mysterious and sexy – you get to see her without a shirt on a few times, if that’s all you care about in a movie chick. She’s pretty convincing, if not a little shallow. I think that’s one of the movie’s main problems – most of these characters are just too shallow. Gary Sinise is especially disappointing. I just didn’t believe his character at all, aided in no small part by the absurd and confusing change his character goes through in the second half.

And the directing is just so sloppy I have a hard time believing that De Palma really thought he was doing a good job. Was he just high the whole time? There are numerous times in this movie where the camera seems to be doing something totally different than what is actually going on in the story. Some of the angles and shots are just awkward as hell. One that I remember in particular is when the camera is doing a bird’s eye view of everything going on in the various hotel rooms. That’s OK, right? Well, yeah, until you PLACE THE BIRD’S EYE VIEW OVER THE TWO CENTRAL CHARACTERS while they’re having a conversation, holding it there like you just went out to lunch and forgot. I mean, come on. This was passed as good directing? It’s not even that stylish. The whole movie is full of weird, awkward shots like that.

So really, with such haphazard directing and uninspired character writing, the only thing that could possibly save this movie was the story, which does admittedly deliver. It’s just a really solid story, and it’s entertaining and engaging even when De Palma is trying his best to screw it up. So yeah, a senator gets killed and everyone is locked inside this boxing arena waiting to be interrogated, while Nic Cage tries to find out who killed the senator and why. He uncovers a big conspiracy, and things get even wackier from there.

So, yeah, this is one of the more average and workmanlike Nic Cage movies. It’s fun, but ultimately shallow and you probably won’t care too much to revisit it after one viewing. Oh and he goes to jail at the end for his crimes. HOORAY FOR BRINGING CORRUPT OFFICIALS TO JUSTICE.

And it isn’t like he doesn’t get Carla Gugino at the end anyway. If he had taken better care of his finances, though, she wouldn’t have had to do Race to Witch Mountain or any Spy Kid movies, and Nic Cage wouldn’t have had to do The Sorcerer’s Apprentice.

Oops. I have to review that one now, don’t I? Damn.

"You WILL watch me...YOU WILL."

NIC CAGE MONTH: Vampire's Kiss (1988)

Director: Robert Bierman

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Maria Conchita Alonso

Website: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0098577/

"Alva, there is no one else in this entire office that I could possibly ask to share such a horrible job. You're the lowest on the totem pole here, Alva. The lowest. Do you realize that? Every other secretary here has been here longer than you, Alva. Every one. And even if there was someone here who was here even one day longer than you, I still wouldn't ask that person to partake in such a miserable job as long as you were around. That's right, Alva. It's a horrible, horrible job; sifting through old contract after old contract. I couldn't think of a more horrible job if I wanted to. And you have to do it! You have to or I'll fire you. You understand? Do you? Good."

-Nic Cage, giving one of his famous pep speeches to his secretary 

Okay, seriously. Whatever crack addled minds in 1989 made this movie were clearly prophesizing Nicolas Cage’s eventual rise to Internet stardom. I mean almost every time he freaks out in this movie, it’s begging to become an internet meme. This movie isn’t even that good! It’s pretty much just ‘watch Nic Cage freak out, laugh at it, and then wait for the next time while being bored at the rest of the movie’s plodding pace.’ The soundtrack is a late 80s synth nightmare and the production values look more like something out of the 70s - it’s like Nic Cage’s equivalent to Hercules in New York.

Yes folks...this is Vampire's Kiss.

I mean, this shit is just insane. The basic plot is as follows: Nic Cage is the head of some literary editing company or something, and he loves to harass his secretary Alva, who quite literally lives in fear of him by the end of the movie. He starts going crazier and crazier in his loneliness in the urban city setting, and when he sleeps with a strange hooker (who comes back again and again to suck more of his blood as the movie goes on), he starts to think he is a vampire, thus going even crazier and getting even more violent with his secretary. At the end of the film, he is unceremoniously murdered with a stake in his dilapidated and wrecked apartment by the brother of the terrified secretary.

The two plots (the vampire thing and the secretary thing) don’t really even make a lot of sense together. It’s kind of like the writers were halfway through the script, coming up with these clever metaphors for struggling in life, when the director approached them and said, “Hey, we just got Nicolas Cage to sign on for this. You don’t really have to write anymore. We’ll just have him jump all over the place and scream a lot, and you can still get paid for the half script you did write.”

The writers then had their eyes physically replaced with dollar signs, and that was that.

The movie’s pace is pretty flawed, as I said before, as it’s just too slow and too plodding when Nic Cage isn’t absolutely losing his shit. You’re literally just sitting there watching this movie waiting for the next freak out, because the parts where he isn’t freaking out are just flat out boring. The dialogue isn’t that good and the story is a bit stale – nothing that wasn’t done better by Cemetery Man or American Psycho in years to come. The sole reason to watch this movie is for Nic Cage.

But isn’t that what NIC CAGE MONTH is for, I ask you?

Let’s go through some of the highlights, shall we?

Look at all that rage! Man, that’s insane. And the way he calms down right at the end to say “And you call yourself a psychiatrist”…how can you not be TOTALLY CONVINCED this man is not completely insane, on heavy drugs, or both? He’s just so into this.

“THERE YOU ARE!” I didn't know people his age still got that enthusiastic about hide and seek...

We’ve all had moments like this, haven’t we? Those moments where you think you’re a vampire so you run down the street screaming about it and…oh, what’s that? Nobody’s had those but me? Oh, well OK then.

I just love how obsessed he is with his secretary and with finding those files. It should be sad and scary how creepy he is with stalking her and all, but this is just SO HAMMY. There’s literally nothing else on his warped mind but finding her and making her do the job she’s already trying so hard to do. Imagining it from her point of view is both funnier and even more terrifying. One of which may be more prominent, depending on your point of view.

So, yeah, I think that’s evidence enough. The Vampire’s Kiss is batshit insane. If you like Nic Cage, this is mandatory, but just don’t go in expecting much more than a silly curiosity. Now, I'm off to drink more blood and work on my freaking out in front of the camera.

"It's a very IMPORTANT job!"