REVIEW: Highlander 2 (1990)

This sequel to the 80s bastion of moldy cheese that was Highlander is reviled by many fans of the original movie for reasons that...well, let’s be honest, the reasons why people hate this sequel become apparent about a minute and a half into the movie. Maybe even before that. But is it really one of the worst sequels of all time? Is it really such a travesty? Well, why don’t we do that thing I always do and figure it out together?!

Director: Russel Mulcahy

Starring: Christopher Lambert, Virginia Madsen, Sean Connery, Michael Ironside

Website: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102034/

So before we even get to the actual film, how about the Netflix envelope? This movie is so half-assed and confusing that even the envelope it comes in from a movie rental service is apologizing for it, admitting that it is so stupid that nobody could for even one second find it credible. These are the words, printed verbatim from the outside package, that come with Highlander 2: “This sequel to the cult sci-fi action film largely discards the original’s premise of mysterious immortal swordsmen, revealing Connor McLeod and Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez to be long-lived aliens.”

Yeah, “largely discards the original’s premise.” As if they’re just warning you not to rent this crap! And yes, this is real; the Highlanders are aliens, complete with a plot about what amounts to saving the world from global warming. Are we still in the same universe? How does this have ANYTHING to do with Highlander? And it’s by the same director as the first one?!? Did he just get a surprise back-alley lobotomy in between films? There’s only a three year difference! What the hell happened? Well, I guess we’ll never find out if we just sit around bitching about it all afternoon.

The film begins with a text scroll explaining that the ozone layer just mysteriously deteriorated so much by the year 1990 something that scientists had to construct a “shield” to protect humanity from radiation poisoning, which eventually backfired and almost entirely eclipsed the sun. Now an evil corporation controls the “shield” and uses it to blackmail the public. Yeah, sounds like Highlander to me, too! I guess this could be a good plot for an entirely different movie, but for a Highlander sequel…this is just out of left field.

And remember how the last movie started with a wrestling match flashing back to medieval Scotland? Well, this movie starts out with an opera:

…and then flashes back to the warlike planet Mars as alien tribes ready themselves for battle! And no I swear I am not making this up:

Yeah, apparently the Netflix envelope was telling the truth – Connor McLeod (Christopher Lambert) and…well, Sean Connery, since let’s face it, none of you are going to call him by his character name…are aliens in some space war, captured by this alien warlord Highlander guy named Katana. This character is played very poorly by Michael Ironside, a great actor stooping to an almost unheard of low by acting in this dreck. He banishes McLeod and Connery to Earth, where the events of the first movie transpire over hundreds of years.

…you know, there are just some things that remained better unexplained. Honestly, who ever thought the story of the first Highlander involved aliens from Mars? Nobody, because IT’S A DAMN TERRIBLE IDEA. It’s like pretending the story behind Michael Myers from Halloween involves ancient voodoo rituals and Pagan crap…oh, wait. Carry on, then.

So McLeod, apparently, became mortal for some reason after the events of the first movie and before the whole “shield” debacle started. He is living out his days as a crusty old man with just about the silliest old-man voice imaginable. I don’t really have a sound clip, but seriously, just picture the goofiest old man you ever heard in a Nickelodeon cartoon – McLeod is worse. It’s a really bad sign when I can’t take the MAIN CHARACTER OF YOUR MOVIE seriously for even one damn second.

I'm just a doddering old fool! I should probably be in a nursing home, but hell, it's the future! We've outgrown those primitive institutions. So now I just walk the streets getting harasseed by everyone.

But it’s OK, because Michael Ironside is ready to one-up this ridiculousness as he commands his two BDSM Cenobite minions to go and kill McLeod. They point out that he is so old that he will die on his own soon anyway, but since we wouldn’t have a movie in that case, Ironside rejects that sensible idea and tells them to go to the future and kill him anyway. Hooray for illogical decisions!

Ha ha ha...they look like something Tim Burton would dress his kids up as for Halloween. Edward Scissorhands-lite.

They attack him and he fights them off really well for an old coot, and then he even turns back to his younger immortal self, because the two goons messed with the time stream or something. Now, this begs the question…if they can just go anywhere in time, why not just go back to when they first put him on Earth and cut his head off before he awakened his powers that first time? Or why not just go back to when they had him enslaved at first and kill him while he was bound in chains? Oh, wait, because then we wouldn’t have a movie. Silly me!

Is he really riding on flying shoes? Seriously? That's really lame...I don't even have any other jokes.

Also, I’m SO GLAD Ironside sent his two goons back to kill McLeod thus bringing him back to his younger and more powerful state! This guy is a GENIUS!

To distract you from the stupidity of the movie, we then see McLeod having hot steamy sex with a woman he doesn’t even know, the head of some kind of terrorist organization that was only written into the script as an afterthought:

I really can’t even describe how strange this scene is – not with just still pictures. She confronts him after his fight with the two goons and asks what happened, and then he…hypnotizes her, I guess, to start making out and screwing him right there on the spot. It’s less “sexy” and more “incredibly uncomfortable and creepy.” Mostly just makes you feel like you need a shower.

But if THAT wasn’t ludicrous enough for you, apparently McLeod can bring back the dead Sean Connery by just…shouting his name at the sky, as he returns like he never got killed by The Kurgan in the flashbacks of the first movie. He interrupts a performance of Hamlet and doesn’t seem to realize it’s a show:

Truly how Shakespeare was meant to be performed, with the added inclusion of a buffoon who has a Scottish accent but whose character and name are supposed to be Spanish.

So they just never had minstrel shows or anything in old Scotland, then? I’m calling bullshit on that. But it does give us a stale and unfunny attempt at a comedic scene, which is pretty much all you’ll be getting from Connery for the entire film. Oh, he’s confused and doesn’t understand modern slang and technology? HOW INVENTIVE AND GENIUS! Great comedy! Well, about as funny as my grandma’s leftover spinach from three weeks ago.

And then we see Michael Ironside’s grand entrance to Earth as he just falls from the sky and crashes right through a subway train moving by:


I didn't have space in the review itself, but there's a part where he goes up to someone on the train and says "We're not in Kansas anymore," or something like that. How does he know that reference? Bad 90s writing of course! Man I need a drink. Of the alcoholic persuasion.

Okay, for one, how did he not do that more elegantly? Nobody else we’ve seen teleporting in the movie is that clumsy – hell, even Ironside’s minions did it better! And two, if he had the ability to do this, WHY DIDN’T HE JUST DO THIS FIRST INSTEAD OF LETTING HIS MINIONS DO IT? Oh yeah, because there would be no movie that way! Silly me!

So Ironside goes on a joy ride with the train in which he tries, and fails miserably, to reach the hammy heights of the Kurgan from the last movie. He’s pretty silly, yeah, but you just can’t beat a big muscular bald guy sitting in a church and making faces at the preachers. Or a crazy after-dark ride with an old lady. But I digress – the main reason Ironside pretty much sucks is because after his joy ride, in which he kills pretty much every passenger of the train, he opens the door looking all frazzled like a cartoon character and says “Last stop?”

Seriously, this shit is like Wile E. Coyote written by people with no grasp of comedy. IT’S AWFUL.

Oh, what’s that? You want more garbage comedy attempts puked out of the collective depths of the writers’ bowels? Well, how about like three different scenes of Sean Connery on a plane with the subtitle “Somewhere over the Atlantic” – which makes no sense seeing as it should only take him a few hours, and yet at least a day’s worth of events happens in the movie’s time and he still isn’t there – making chit chat with the passengers and flirting creepily with women?

She was paid a lot of money to laugh at Connery in this movie...

I also really love the future's airline etiquette: they don't show the safety video that tells you to buckle your seatbelt and that your seat can be used as a floatation device until NOW. Yeah, they wouldn't show it before the plane took off - they'd wait until the plane was "somewhere over the Atlantic" to inform the passengers of what to do in case of an emergency!

Yes, to keep the passengers as calm as possible, this airline shows a video of people panicking and the plane crashing IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FLIGHT. Gee. I didn't know United Airways went downhill so much in the future!

So McLeod goes to visit this old professor friend of his who helped him back in the day with that shield thing that stopped the ozone from killing everyone. The weirdest part is that the friend doesn’t realize that McLeod has de-aged. He just thinks McLeod “got a face job” or something…how is this guy a scientist again? I wouldn’t trust him to bag my groceries.

But apparently the government doesn’t trust him either, as they have him arrested and thrown in jail for possibly knowing that there could be clean unpolluted air outside the shield, and the exact coordinates at which one can find it. McLeod, however, is busy fighting Ironside, although the fight is not actually resolved so much as just…temporarily stopped. The movie then fades into McLeod’s new love interest sleeping – I really don’t think transitioning from a fight scene into someone sleeping is a good way to get your audience hooked.

McLeod finally meets up with Connery again after the longest plane ride in history. The two take the love interest chick and run off to save the world! They find Mr. Unreliable Scientist Friend and tell him everything is OK, and then he just dies right there, like his life’s purpose is complete. How sad…? No, sorry, I really can’t get emotionally invested in any of this. If it seems like I’m rushing this review, I am – there’s too much to talk about and not enough space to do so.

So some more really boring sword fight scenes – like you have no idea how boring these things are – McLeod and Connery make it through the maze. Connery sacrifices his life for no reason. McLeod and Ironside finally square off right by the generator machine, and Ironside is beheaded in typical Highlander fashion. Connery’s voice narrates from beyond the grave somehow and says they must work together to destroy the shield and break down the walls under the sky.

Now, keep in mind, this generator thing has been BUILT UP TO ALL HELL before this scene, with everyone saying it was impossible to get to and acting like it was completely impenetrable. So HOW does McLeod finally beat it? Get ready for the most exciting, nail-biting, ground-breaking, intense scene to EVER…yeah, he just walks in and then the shield is destroyed:

What the---?! How---?! Why---?! Oh, screw it, there was no thought put into this, so I’m not going to waste my time. He seriously just…walks in and everything is fine. That’s how easy it was the whole time to return the Earth to normal! How did the ozone layer just randomly return itself to its normal state and make the air habitable again? Who cares, the movie is over! I’m happy with that as it is!

This movie was stupid. Everything was so convoluted and such a mess that the film just collapsed under its own weight. This series isn’t that complicated, guys! It’s immortal swordsmen duking it out until only one remains. How did all of this bullshit about aliens from Mars and global warming and the ozone layer get filtered into the mix? Not to mention the awful “comedy” from Sean Connery and Michael Ironside and the contrived romance, along with the terrible special effects - pretty sure even the first movie had better special effects than the ones here.

It’s really no wonder that future Highlander sequels disregard this film entirely as part of the series canon, and that almost every fan hates it with a passion. I won’t say it’s absolutely unsalvageable, as there are a few good ideas here and there (I kind of like the whole idea that McLeod tried to save the world but ended up backfiring with the shield, causing everyone to hate him), but the haphazard way the story is put together as well as the numerous plot holes just makes it too much to bear. Highlander 2 is a dud.

What’s that? You want me to review a sequel that is equally, if not more so, horrible, that people actually LIKE? Well, okay then. See you next week!

TO BE CONTINUED…

DISCLAIMER: I have nothing against United Airways.
DISCLAIMER 2: The pictures in this review do not belong to me. They are copyright of their original owners.

REVIEW: Highlander (1986)

This review was co-written with Colin and Clayton. Thanks, guys.

There are bad movies like…well, almost everything I give detailed, long reviews on this site…and then there are just campy movies. These are the movies that just do so many goofy things and go so over the top that you can’t help but laugh – all the way through the movie. They’re bad, but they’re bad in a fun way! Everyone knows ‘em and everyone loves ‘em. And one prime example of this phenomenon is Highlander, revered the world over and even the starter of a huge franchise including 4 more movies after it and a TV series, even. That’s a lot of praise. It’s kind of like giving Killer Klowns from Outer Space its own franchise, only this movie makes THAT one look positively tame in comparison! Is Highlander really as good as everyone says it is, or is it just a big ol’ flop? Let’s find out.

Director: Russell Mulcahy

Starring: Christopher Lambert, Sean Connery

Website: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0091203/

The movie begins in the simpler times when boys and girls had the same goofy mullet haircuts and wrestlers with hairy chests brought in huge crowds with their neon spandex – the 80s! Yes, that glorious time…but we’re focusing on a very serious looking guy in a rape trench coat who feels like he has to go out into the parking lot and get into a sword fight with one of the rejected Mr. Smiths from The Matrix. Don’t we all have those impulses?

Can you see why they rejected him for Mr. Smith? Not exactly the picture of athletic health there...but he was good enough for this movie's randomness!

So after cutting off the guy’s head, he goes and sits back down in the fight, and then we get a sudden flashback to medieval Scotland! Do you think that doesn’t make sense? Well then you’re an idiot; it makes perfect sense! No, seriously; this just comes out of nowhere! Were they high or something making this? Don’t answer that…it was a rhetorical question.

Apparently the story here is that McLeod, a respected soldier in the army, and they get into a fight with a guy who looks like a rejected He-Man villain, in which McLeod is killed.

We then flash back to present-day times where Mr. Rape Trench Coat, or McLeod again (confused yet?), is being arrested for cutting off the guy’s head. They interrogate him at the police station and they have his weapon and know he was at the crime scene, and he even assaults them in the interrogation room, so what do they do? Let him go a few minutes later of course. No point in looking up his records, keeping him on the charges of assaulting an officer or interrogating him for longer than a few minutes, right? Best. Cops. Ever.

Some more poorly cut-and-pasted flashbacks reveal that McLeod came back from the dead somehow and shocked everyone in his village, who shunned him and threw him out, intending to kill him. They tie him up and are about to get rid of him when one of his old buddies has a change of heart and somehow lets him go…although he still didn’t have the sense to untie him, I guess. Some friend there. But I guess you really can’t have your cake and eat it too.

In the present times, McLeod is followed by some kind of police officer/archaeologist (how does that work again?) who I will describe as the most generic 80s movie chick ever. Seriously, she’s got the curly, poofy hair. She’s got the rebellious, nosy attitude that’s going to lead her to trouble later. She’s got the spunky, no-nonsense relationship with the main character that she dislikes at first. Could she be any more generic? Might as well just give her a name like…I don’t know, Julie, or Brenda or something.

What’s that? Her name IS Brenda? Well…I rest my case. So for some reason, McLeod follows her to the crime scene where she’s investigating for the second time, and then he approaches her in a bar and acts creepy and weird. So of course she accuses him of stalking her and then storms off angrily! But when he goes into the alleyway and gets attacked by what I can only describe as the bastard son of Shredder from Ninja Turtles, Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget and a horrible BDSM fetish all rolled up into the goofiest villain you’ll ever see:

So after that’s over, we see that Brenda has followed McLeod into the alley despite everything she said before about stalking being bad. Friggin’ double standards. They make a date at her apartment and I guess everything is peachy, so it’s time for another flashback!

We get to see that McLeod is now living idly in the mountains with his new wife, who he probably neglected to tell about the whole coming back from the dead thing. I so love relationships built on not telling your partner the whole truth! They’re having sex in the middle of a field when they’re interrupted by…

Oh, God, no. You can’t just…throw this at us, movie. It’s Sean Connery in a flamboyant outfit that looks like something out of a period-piece porno flick or something. But to be fair, it IS Sean Connery, and as expected, he makes the role completely awesome in every way. He’s just a great actor, with tons of charisma and verve to him. But there is that small problem of him playing a Spaniard character and then speaking in an unabashed Scottish accent. But I guess it makes as much sense as anything else in the movie…

Anyway, it turns out the big story behind this whole ordeal is that McLeod is immortal, and was born into a sort of eternal battle, in which he has to train for in order to be ‘the one.’ That's the big line this movie popularized - "There can be only one!" I have to admit it's pretty epic. There’s something called ‘the Quickening’ that is prophesized to happen, apparently, in the 80s, which is appropriate because that’s when this movie was made! What a coincidence! So Connery trains McLeod for a long time and they run barefoot on the beach like a medieval Hallmark card, and it’s all good.

I want to spar with Sean Connery's stunt double too!

This is so happy that NOTHING could ever go wrong, right?!

Back in the present time, we get McLeod’s ‘date’ with Brenda, and…I’m not gonna lie, it’s one of the simultaneously BEST and WORST scenes in any movie you’ll ever watch. This is so cheesy it ought to be radioactive, and I’m going to have to don my special Hazmat suit and go into bullet points for a play-by-play…brace yourselves, folks! Brace yourselves!

So he comes over and stands in the doorway with a smile that says quite loudly ‘I’m going to murder you in a back alley someday.’ She lets him in and then goes and talks to her mirror to see if she can divine an explanation for how weird he is. He finds a gun in her apartment and responds with the proper facial expression:

Then he pours some wine and starts to randomly talk about how great the 1700s were, because that’s not weird at all, and he tells her the date that America’s independence was officially recognized by England, being that he was actually there and all. She acts surprised…weird, considering that she’s a history buff. Did she really not know that?

Then it’s revealed that McLeod knew all along that Brenda was just trying to play him to see if he was guilty or not. She then tells him that she just needs the sword to make an important historical discovery, to which he angrily responds ‘Don’t you ever think about anything but what you want?’

Uh…what? I’m sorry; did he read that line correctly? Why is he saying that like they’ve known each other for years? How is wanting to do something for one’s career “not thinking about what anyone else wants”? Isn’t it actually incredibly important to make such archaeological finds? There are too many questions for such a short scene! Movie, learn how to write dialogue better!

After that it’s flashback time again, as we venture into the darkest day of them all…Sean Connery and McLeod’s wife are sitting around in the house when they’re attacked by Mr. 80s Leather and Spandex, although here he’s just Mr. He-Man Villain instead. Long story short, he kills Sean Connery, rapes McLeod’s wife and McLeod himself is…fishing happily on the greener grass on the other side of the field, because apparently the destroyed castle and lightning striking don’t alert him at all.

McLeod must have been doing something VERY IMPORTANT to miss this...like filing his nails...okay, there's no friggin' excuse for this.

What an oblivious dolt.

In the present time, McLeod meets up with his old buddy…this black guy:

"So...I used to own you. Damn Civil Rights movements."
"Don't push it."

In flashback land, we see that McLeod once got drunk in the 1700s and fought a snooty British lord, who subsequently, shot his own assistant. Why? I dunno, no reason really. It serves no purpose at all, but hey, it padded out the length of this bloated DVD reissue some more!

Then in the real world again, Mr. 80s Leather and Spandex takes time out of his day to intimidate the hotel manager where he’s staying, but not enough time to show us the whole fight scene with McLeod’s black buddy. Yup, we only get to see the final couple of minutes of it! Joyous. Because, yeah, that whole scene with the 1700s American Revolution thing…THAT was worth keeping in the movie, but the potentially interesting fight scene? Nah, scrap it! It’s not important at all.

Then Mr. 80s Leather and Spandex takes a joyride with Grandma!

Clearly this was his mission all along - all that other stuff about killing and cutting off heads? Just collateral damage. Rides with old ladies are what he really lived for all along! He's only been a shell of a man until now!

Can this be any sillier? Also, where the hell are the cops? I guess they have enough manpower to interview the victims of tragedies that already happened, like when they interview the guy that Mr. 80s Leather and Spandex plowed into a wall earlier, but not enough manpower to actually stop a crime. Best. Cops. Ever.

Then in flashback land again, we see that McLeod’s wife played with puppies in the meadows, and that caused her to grow old and be sick in bed, where she makes him promise to light a candle for her on her birthday every year for the rest of his life, or else SHE’LL HAUNT HIM FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE. Well, okay, that last part might not be true.

In the present day, McLeod is at a church and Mr. 80s Leather and Spandex arrives with a shaved head, looking even more ridiculous and silly than he did before. He says it’s to disguise himself from the cops, who know what he looks like now, but if that’s the case, why is he being so loud and over the top? He makes faces at the clergy, laughs maniacally and sticks his tongue out like he’s a lost member of KISS. HOW IS THIS HIDING FROM THE COPS? YOU’RE A MORON, MR. 80S LEATHER AND SPANDEX. How did he even survive this long? He’s as subtle and tactical as a goddamn wrecking ball!

This guy is clearly the next genius of our times.

So he kidnaps Brenda and ties her to a big billboard while he and McLeod fight to the death. They used up all their money on these special effects of a big tidal wave hitting the building, so the final fight is relegated to standing in front of a warehouse window. Then McLeod finally kills off 80s Leather and Spandex and becomes the only one to be struck by lightning:

All the glowing Tic Tacs flow into him like a river...

There’s some narration that tells us he now knows all things, is everywhere, and can read everyone’s minds – so basically, he’s become The Internet! Yes, about 15 years before it became a household item, Christopher Lambert in Highlander was the internet. What a revelation! And that’s the end of the movie. What a trip.

Man, this was cheesy. It’s so cheesy it ought to come with a warning for people who are lactose intolerant! And I love the hell out of it. Highlander, for all its ridiculousness and nonsense, is a pretty awesome movie that makes no sense and has a ton of fun boasting about that fact. It takes itself in stride and struts its overly silly plot like it’s the most epic, serious, groundbreaking thing anyone has ever seen, and for that it is a lot of fun. This is a real product of its environment, born out of the dusty depths of the 80s, and while it is incredibly dated, it’s also remarkably fun to watch and contains a real epic, heartfelt story as well. So go check it out if you haven’t; it’s a great flick.

All images copyright of their original owners.

Review: The Last Airbender (2010) TH

Four elements, warring tribes and a boy with tattoos

Once upon a time peace resided in a world full of special people called "benders"--someone select among a tribe that has the ability to control either air, water, earth or fire--and then suddenly a god among men that held it all together called the "Avatar" disappeared: the chosen one able to control all four elements and communicate with the spirit world for guidance.

Now, a century later and with strife on the rise, we're introduced to a southern water tribe who dwells in an arctic setting. An early teen named Katara (Nicola Peltz), who bends water and also narrates a portion of the story, and a young man called Sokka (Jackson Rathbone) are out on a hunt when they discover something lurking under the ice. A humongous beast and a bald boy with tattoos named Aang (Noah Ringer) lay there after Katara pops a sphere that enclosed them. Soon enough word spreads that it might be the Avatar reborn again. Great, it's time to rejoice! Nope. This poses a problem for the dominating fire nation in which all inhabitants of the air nation--which the Avatar is supposed to have descended--were thought to be extinct.

The good about "The Last Airbender": excellent stringed orchestras that are well timed over top to lend suspense; the cinematography is often panned to get a full scope of the various and plentiful areas they travel to; and just about every other set piece is splendid and awe-inspiring with nearly flawless transition of CGI and physical objects for the non-3-D version. This film is eye-candy for the person into fantasy landscapes, as well as someone who just likes to explore out of reach locales. Now, all this work was put into the music and visuals, but how the characters interact with each other and how their dialogue comes out makes you wonder if they even went back and watched the dailies as they were filming it. A large portion of the dialogue feels overly simplistic even by kid friendly standards and is often shortened to the point of missing punch and passion to back it up. On one hand it makes the story understandable--sometimes it's even over-explained at random points to an audience that's supposed to be invisible--as it frequently shifts from place to place, person to person, though it takes away from an edge to put a viewer right there in their shoes.

This establishes some brief back-story and explains throughout how the rules work, though as it carries on it feels like a series of aimless mini-missions with a world of connected characters to jump back and forth to. The boy with tattoos named Aang has to train and figure out what he wants to do, where he places himself and how to unlock his bending powers. He travels and meets people, though this loose way of following him around comes off like a haphazard string of events passed off as an actual story. A final battle happens and it shows off impressive special effects and fight scenes between the fire and water tribes, yet prior to that it felt like they were only handing out samples till you got to the entree. "The Last Airbender" mixes martial arts, myths and superpowers together and has an interesting concept as well as the imagery was truly impressive, but even said it still wasn't enough to overlook the mostly wooden and roaming human interaction.

Director: M. Night Shyamalan (The Sixth Sense, Signs, The Happening)
Starring: Noah Ringer, Nicola Peltz, Jackson Rathbone, Dev Patel, Shaun Toub, Cliff Curtis
Website: IMDB

REVIEW: Field of Dreams (1989)

Director: Phil Alden Robinson

Starring: Kevin Costner, James Earl Jones, Ray Liotta, Amy Madigan

Website: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097351/

"This is my most special place in the world, Ray. Once a place touches you like this, the wind never blows so cold again."

-Moonlight Graham

Kevin Costner is a farmer who hates farming, but gets a voice in his head that tells him some rather cryptic lines of almost prophetic nature that lead him to believe that he should turn his corn field into a giant baseball diamond so that the ghosts of Ray Liotta and a host of other old baseball stars all come back and re-live their dreams. Crazy enough for you yet?

Field of Dreams is fluff. It’s very enjoyable, creative fluff, however sentimental and sappy it might be. I really found myself drawn into its creative energy and the youthful, biting zeal at which it tore into its subject matter. Basically the story is that Costner keeps getting these voices in his head that tell him things he needs to do, although they’re all delivered in very cryptic manners and seemingly have nothing to do with each other. What’s the big picture? How will everything fit together? These are questions you will invariably have during a first viewing, and the fact that the film makes you ask them is one of its strong points. There is intrigue and mystery around every corner, of a very unique nature. There has never been a movie plot quite like this before. The freshness makes it all the more exciting.

Costner as the lead does a fairly good job, and he’s plenty likable and has a fair amount of depth and realism to his character, like the plot thread involving his father. There is one moment where he finally gets angry at the pre-set plan for everything going on, and I found that refreshing, as it showed his humanity quite nakedly. But like a lot of movies, the best characters are the side characters who add a lot more color and spunk to the whole thing. Ray Liotta does a good job as Shoeless Joe Jackson, the, ahem, spiritually inclined 1920s baseball legend back from his grave to play again, but he isn’t given as much screen time as I would have liked. Really my favorite characters here are James Earl Jones as Terrence Mann and Amy Madigan as Costner’s wife Annie, both of whom just really went at their performances with huge amounts of awesome energy.

The plot at first is fast paced and exciting. The whole first half of the movie is pretty much a big adventure as we see Costner build the baseball field and then embark on a statewide journey to find connected people who the voices tell him to find. There’s a real sense of adventure and boldness here that I really like. It just feels so free-spirited and fun, and that’s one thing in a movie I will never tire of. The scenes where he and James Earl Jones first meet are just pure cinematic ecstasy, as the two have excellent screen chemistry and play off each other masterfully. And then the scenes in Michigan with the old doctor character are also very well done, although I thought they could have been longer.

And that’s one of my complaints with the end, as it just felt a bit too rushed at times, like they had another 20 minutes of film they could have done if they had time, but just came up short in that area. The end is pretty decent, and contains some good scenes, but overall I felt a bit short-changed. They definitely could have done a little more to tie up the enthusiastic threads they had already established.

So overall Field of Dreams was good. It’s a fun, lighthearted flick for everyone who needs a little light in their life, shining through the darkness. Idealistic, creative and addictive.

NIC CAGE MONTH: The Sorcerer's Apprentice (2010)

Director: Jon Turtletaub

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Jay Baruchel, Alfred Molina

Website: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0963966/

Today’s movie is called The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, or alternately, Nic Cage Needs Money. It’s a very loose remake of one of the segments of Fantasia, and I do mean loose. I mean, how many times did you look at this:

…and think, hey, I really think this would be improved if they added Nicolas Cage in there!

Never? Well, that’s because you have a functioning brain. Let’s get this over with quick.

The movie opens with epic music and a riveting tale about how Merlin had three apprentice sorcerers he trusted with his secrets – among them Nicolas Cage, who plays a guy named Balthazar. Apparently in medieval times they were all fighting against Morgana Lefay (because there’s nothing else to do in medieval times) when one of the other sorcerers, Horvath, betrayed them and went to her side. The narration says that there is one person called the Prime Merlinean who will be able to stop her. The Prime Merlinean? Really? That sounds like the name of some weird mathematical tool. So yeah, apparently the female sorcerer, Veronica, traps Morgana Lefay’s soul inside herself, except then Morgana Lefay starts killing her from the inside, like some viral form of the alien from Alien.

Like that except less bloody. That's not Disney-friendly.

So Cage has to trap them both inside a statue thing called the Grimhold, or better yet, Incredibly Forced Plot Device. He then spends the next thousand years wandering around to different countries searching for this Prime Merlinean to help defeat Morgana Lefay, who apparently will get out someday, or something. How come he can’t just perform some other Deus Ex Machina spell to get rid of her for good? Because…well, it’s Nic Cage, do you even have to ask? He probably spent his time searching for the Prime Merlinean by doing this to random people on the streets:

We then immediately cut to a Buzz Lightyear alarm clock, a little kid with a dog and his mom screaming at him to wear clean underwear. That fits in with the epic medieval sorcery we just saw five seconds ago, right?

So this is our main kid Dave. He likes to engage in such hobbies as drawing on the bus windows in permanent marker only so when the bus passes the empire state building for 3 seconds, it looks like King Kong is climbing it. That’s…really lame. He apparently likes this girl in his class named Becky, who he passes a note to with two boxes asking if she wants to be either his friend or his girlfriend. She checks off one of the boxes and puts the paper down, only for it to blow away in a very convenient gust of wind. He chases it down, but we all know that she really wrote in a third option that just said “Get me out of this movie ASAP.”

He eventually ends up at the most littered street in the city that happens to be in front of a magic shop. He goes in and immediately knocks over and breaks a ton of priceless artifacts. But it’s OK. Nic Cage dressed up in a black coat and a pointy sorcerer’s hat (I know…) comes out and tells Dave to follow him to a dark corner, then using magic to lock all the doors in the building. Apparently he’s going to give him this dragon ring thing that, if it works, means he is the chosen one, that Prime Merlinean from before. So how does he know to test this kid? Is it like, “Please try it? I’ve asked EVERY OTHER person who’s ever come in here and none of them were ever the chosen one!” I mean, talk about desperate. Cage says something about it being because he’s a bad liar, but how is that a criterion? By that logic, you could just as easily determine the chosen one by what color socks he’s wearing! Or by how many times he's survived having his face cut off and replaced with John Travolta's. That would be a trial of even the strongest man's mortal will.

Surviving a hammy Travolta performance? Even more trying than the MOST DANGEROUS OF QUESTS Merlin could think up!

But seriously, Nicolas Cage as a sorcerer? Hold on while I laugh my ass off! He looks hungover for most of this. But then, can you really blame him? Nic Cage tells him to stand still and not touch anything while he presumably goes to drink more Vodka, so the kid does the logical thing, and sets loose the EEEEVVVVIIIILLL Horvath from the statue thing by accident. Damn kids always letting loose those evil sorcerers who never age and who will remember your name for eternity if you piss them off. No respect for their elders, these kids today.

So they have a big fight and Dave runs outside with the statue and throws it across the street randomly as his teacher comes up and scares him. The building is now empty and Nic Cage and Horvath are both inside the statue again, inexplicably. Dave has a fit of terrible acting on the steps, and everyone makes fun of him for 10 years for it. Should have taken some acting classes, kid.

Yes, we then fast forward 10 whole years and Dave is a nerdy college kid with an annoying voice and no great improvements in acting talent. He talks to his black roommate (because the movie needed one black kid in order to not be completely racist) who tells him that he has to be one of the wolf pack, or else he’ll get eaten by a bear.

Not that kind of bear!

So, yeah, ten years to the day (…yeah, really) and he meets up with that girl he tried to ask out and runs back into Horvath all at the same time. Convenient enough for you yet? I especially like how Horvath is just randomly released in front of the two old farts that came across the jar. The looks on their faces pretty much sum up the whole movie: Slight bewilderment but mostly a sense of condescending annoyance. Dave somehow hits it off with the girl by…well, probably by brainwashing her in a scene they cut out of the movie. There’s no other explanation. I mean, he DOES have magical powers, and he can't get a girl any other way, so I don't think this is too big of a logical leap.

We also get the reappearance of Nic Cage, who flies in on a big metal eagle-shaped scrap heap and saves Dave’s life from Horvath. He then trains Dave in the world of magic. Dave sucks at it, but to be fair, Nic Cage at least isn’t shooting him in the chest as preparation this time, so I think Cage is at least improving a bit on the teaching front. Although maybe shooting this kid a few times wouldn’t hurt anything. Meanwhile, Horvath recruits a famous TV magician who he says is the only follower of Morgana left around. The kid pretty much looks like something Dir En Grey would shit out:

Is there ANY DIFFERENCE?

So Dave starts hooking up with that Becky chick again as Nic Cage teaches him about magic. I still can’t get over that; Nicolas Cage teaching magic? Maybe when he’s really high. The kid reenacts that famous scene from Fantasia; you know, the one with the animated brooms. It’s pretty much the only real way this movie is connected to the original Fantasia, and it’s pretty forced. But I guess it could have been worse. We could get an even whinier, even more sad-eyed performance from Dave…oh, wait, spoke too soon. You know, listening to this kid whine, I’m starting to think he should have been shipped off to military school. He really, really does need some fucking humility slapped into him. “Ooh, I can’t go out with the only girl who ever lowered herself to give me a chance! MY LIFE IS MISERY even though my companion is a sorcerer who has been searching a thousand years for me and has probably seen more suffering and pain than I can ever imagine!” Deserving of a slap in the face right there!

And seriously, Becky is his true love? She’s an elementary school crush, kid!

OK, so moving on; Dave has to give up the dragon ring that lets him use his magic powers as well as the statue to Horvath when he kidnaps Becky. Nic Cage forgives him as he would have done the same thing, and Dave has to tell Becky about what is really going on. He starts off in the worst way possible by saying that he is a sorcerer and can do spells. Of course, she believes it without questioning anything at all. To be fair, she has just seen a lot of really weird, unexplainable events, but still, if some guy told me he could do spells, I’d probably assume he had just been playing too much D&D.

For fun, let’s gauge the reactions of a normal human being versus this movie’s extreme liberties taken with suspending disbelief:

NORMAL GIRL: You just told me you’re a sorcerer and that you can do magic spells. Excuse me while I move over here to the phone…I’m certainly NOT calling the mental institution to come pick you up…*smaller voice* Please don’t kill me…

MOVIE GIRL: You’re a sorcerer and you can do spells? AWESOME, LET’S GO DRIVE AROUND!

So yeah, then Dave has the brilliant idea to fight magic with science, as he calls his roommate to come help him set up some Tesla coils to stop the bad guy. His roommate does so even though he’s in the middle of a date…because I guess the kid is Dave’s bitch and will do anything he says. Convenient to have those friends with nothing better to do than run around at your beck and call!

Then we get the BIG FINAL BATTLE, where Morgana Lefay has been released after all and is making a big old ring of fire in the sky. Dave tells Becky to go to the top of this satellite tower and knock it off its course so the ring of fire will not be completed. Yeah, the big Deus Ex Machina this time is just…knocking a satellite a little bit to the left. I guess you can’t accuse them of being unoriginal…meanwhile, at the big battle, Nic Cage is killed. Dave kills Morgana Lefay with his best Kamehameha wave…

Still better than Dragonball Evolution...

…but Nic Cage is still dead. A good character dead in a Disney movie? Like hell! Dave resurrects him in some stupid way and everything is happy again! Dave and Becky go riding off into the night on the big scrap heap eagle thing and Dave says that he doesn’t know how to land it. Becky laughs, and then the credits start to roll. Which is an odd way to end a movie, isn’t it? I mean what happens after that? My guess is this:

DAVE: No…no, really, I don’t know how to stop. We’re going to crash into the Atlantic Ocean. Oh, God, I’ve wasted my life! Somebody save us! Can we make out one more time before we land? What’s that? You hate my guts for getting you into this mess and you could have been doing something actually worthwhile with your life otherwise? Oh, God, here it comes…AAHHHHHHHHHH….*splat* Blrbrbrbblrb….

Yeah, this was stupid. I mean I guess it wasn’t horrible or anything, but it was just so clichéd and so soulless in nearly every aspect that it was just dull. The characters weren’t interesting, with only Nic Cage being even slightly enjoyable to watch, the story was just phoned in, and the connection to Fantasia was shaky at best. Of all the teen fantasy flicks you could have watched…this isn’t one of the good ones.

None of these images are mine. They're all copyright of their original owners.

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader (2010)

Well, I'm back. Sorry for my long absence from this site; I have been pretty busy as of late. However, now that things have calmed down for me, I have decided to make a return. I can't promise that I will be doing this frequently, but if something comes along that I feel deserves to be reviewed, I will make an effort to do so.

Anyway, it's the season to be jolly, and you are probably curious about whether there will be a Christmas-themed review. Well, that's not going to happen...at least not at the moment (we still have 13 more days after all). However, I can give you the next best thing: a fantasy movie with blatant Christian overtones. That's right, you guessed it:

Starring: Georgie Henley, Skandar Keynes, Will Poulter

Directed by Michael Apted

IMDb:

Wikipedia page: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Chronicles_of_Narnia:_The_Voyage_of_the_Dawn_Treader

Okay, before we begin, I should make a few things clear. I did not really read the "The Chronicles of Narnia" book series when I was younger, and I have only seen the first of the three films that have come out so far. I have also not seen that particular movie since it first came out in theaters. Therefore, if I make any assumptions that come from my lack of knowledge of the books or the previous films, I apologize ahead of time. That being said, let's dive right in...no pun intended. You know, because it takes place at sea...okay, anyway....

The plot starts off with Edmond and Lucy (Skandar Keynes and Georgie Henley respectively) staying at their cousin Eustace's (Will Poulter) house while their older siblings are off doing different things. However, they soon find themselves transported to Narnia and reunited with Prince Caspian (Ben Barnes), who is on a mission to find a group of men known as the Seven Lost Lords of Narnia. As the plot develops, they come across mysterious green mist that is causing trouble throughout the different islands they encounter. It is then established that they must unite the seven swords of the different Lords, bring them to Aslan's table, and vanquish the evil presence.

No, not like that.

Mmm, close, but that is besides the point.

Okay, enough with the summery; let's get to the analysis. Here are the positives: the visuals, while nothing special, are very good. Lucy, my favorite character from the first film, remains a charming presence as she struggles to find her place in life as she enters adulthood. Edmund has also matured a bit since that time and though he has his own troubles of being in the shadow of Prince Caspian, he still comes across as likable. I guess I kind of liked the rat, Reepicheep (Simon Pegg, imagine that) as well, even if he did remind me of the Geico Gecko at one point. Not sure how that happened.

The biggest problem I had with the movie: Eustace. He is soooooooooooooo annoying, so so so annoying! Now, I understand that he was probably supposed to be this way in the books and to be fair Poulter does a geat job of bringing out the character's smart-ass behavior. That being said....he is still soooooooooooooo annoying! At one point, he is held at knife point and the other characters were told to drop their weapons or his throat will be slit...CALL HIS BLUFF! IT'S A WIN-WIN SITUATION! UGH! Well, I guess it does not really matter; as expected, he eventually gets becomes more likable (or at least more tolerable) as the film goes on because an amazing thing happens to him, he finds his inner courage, blah, blah, blah...

While I do not really have any specific problems with the film, though I do have general ones. Besides the ones I mentioned above, I thought the rest of the characters were kind of bland, particularly Prince Caspian. I do not know why, but he just did not impress me that much as a leader. There were also times when it felt like the film itself was more like a junior "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie in the same way that the first film felt more like a junior version of "The Lord of the Rings". That might be a little unfair given my lack of knowledge about the books and the timing of this films release, but that is just the way it turned out. As a result, these factors end make the film seem much longer than its nearly two hour running time.

*WARNING: MINOR SPOILER ALERT*

Despite what I said up above, the Christian overtones are kept to a minimum in this third-go-round, only being hinted at when the characters are discussing their faith that something good will come out of a tire situation. It becomes a lot more obvious at the end with the appearance of Aslan (a wonderful voice performance by Liam Neeson once again)and a gateway toward "his country". Obviously, one's personal beliefs may play a part in how you may view this scene. Although I am not personally a religious person, I thought it was well done; it was not in-your-face, but it was enough to get the message across concerning believing in one's self and the possibility of another world beyond our own.

*SPOILERS END HERE*

All that being said, this was a pretty good film. It was not as good as the first movie and there is nothing fantastic about it on a technological or substantive level. Still, it is a fairly enjoyable family movie that will leave you with feeling happier than when you entered. I do not strongly recommend it, but if you happen upon it at some point, either in theaters or elsewhere, I will not try to stop you.