Sunday, June 14, 2015

Mosquito (1995)

It’s summertime again. And that means the mosquitoes are out, hunting for blood like the little bastard vampire insects that they are. Most of the time, you can just kill them with an ordinary flyswatter or the bottom of a sturdy shoe. Other times, though, they grow giant due to meteor radiation and kill dozens of innocent people. This phenomenon is most closely observed in the 1995 cult flick, Mosquito.

Director: Gary Jones
Starring: Gunnar Hansen, Rachel Loiselle

Co-written with Colin and Michelle.

With a title like Mosquito, it really doesn’t leave much to the imagination. Like you know this isn’t gonna be about the Vietnam War or civil rights. It’s going to be about a mosquito. That’s kind of a limited scope and size, isn’t it? I mean, where is the spontaneity? When I watch a goofy sci fi horror flick about a giant bug, I’d like it to throw me for a loop.

As we see, the movie starts with a spaceship and some other stuff in outer space.

You know, it makes sense; I'll go with it. Maybe the new Star Wars movie will start out with a bunch of people looking at bugs under microscopes.

Anyway, some asteroid crashes into the Earth. Some time later, two people are driving to go to the woman’s new job, when a freakishly huge mosquito plummets from the sky and destroys their windshield. Megan, a scientist, is curious about this. Ray, who is just some dude… well, not so much. He’s just annoyed that his windshield is broken. This guy acts so nonchalantly that you just have to wonder how many abominably giant insects he sees per day. Maybe 50.

"Honey, it's just a miracle of scientific discovery that will change the world; why should we do anything? Let's just get back in the car and leave."

Meanwhile, this fat incompetent park ranger guy is spying on women in the bushes, because, well, the camera needed an excuse to show the most important parts of this scene:

Their impeccable skin tones?

The other guy pulls him away, because really, the department doesn’t need any more sexual harassment lawsuits.

"We don't want to have to put out another press release saying we're sorry for bothering the tourists!"

The park ranger then goes to see the captain, who has a bunch of animal heads and stuffed animals all around his office, because in a movie like this, that’s basically gold standard subtlety. The captain guy then launches into a huge dramatic spiel about how mosquitoes are evil and it is the park rangers’ duty to exterminate them all, the last line of defense between mankind’s fall and mosquitoes. You’ve been practicing THAT one in the mirror, huh buddy?

There’s also this other guy, who is extremely serious and doesn’t really seem to fit in with the movie. Personally I kept expecting him to launch into a super serious monologue about who killed his father, how he’s going to find him, that sort of thing, but unfortunately the movie continues on its current path about radioactive giant mosquitoes, and he is a part of that plot. Oh well.

"Someday, I will get vengeance on the man that killed my father, as you can tell from this super serious look on my face...wait, what movie am I in? Mosquito? Oh, fuck that noise."

Rounding out our main cast is a group of vague criminals wearing military jackets and pants. It’s never really explained what they want to do. So I’ll just make it up myself: they want to steal every copy of the movie Race to Witch Mountain and sell them to small Indonesian children at outrageous prices. What a bunch of douchebags. At least keep Race to Witch Mountain for yourself. Nobody needs that mess.

And yes, the big guy with the white beard is Gunnar Hansen, famous for playing a small bit part in an unknown film. But this one is clearly where he's even more well known for.

"Yes, this map will tell us how to do unspecified crime-y stuff..."

Anyway, one of them gets eaten by a giant mosquito. Which, frankly, isn’t done in enough action movies. Heat came out a few years after this. How come THAT movie didn’t have a giant mosquito in it? That would have really improved things.

Yes, yes...this is what the movie needed.

Ray and Megan meet up with Steve, as their vehicle is broken down and they need a ride. I still like Steve the best of any of the characters. He’s just so cool. Every movie like this needs a really cool guy, and Steve is it for Mosquito.

"One day I will finally ride away on a comet and find the other dimensions."

We also see the only true way to have shameless product plugs - put Pabst Blue Ribbon everywhere. Yes, while other beer companies today are trying to look legitimate and also tear down the little guy craft breweries, PBR back in the 90s was just like “fuck it, we're appearing in Mosquito. This is now the plan.” I can dig it.

PBR is the only way to get through giant mosquito attacks.

My favorite part about this scene is the sex scene:

Oh, wait, no, that's wrong. My real favorite part is when he leaves to go take a piss (with the PBR of course, what other way would you have it?) and then comes back and finds his girlfriend being killed by a giant mosquito in the tent. He's pretty nonchalant about it, because nobody seems to care that there are giant mosquitoes in this universe. And plus, he has more PBR to drink.


Or maybe he just doesn't like his girlfriend that much, because you know, she was good in bed but also kind of annoying and wouldn't shut up about animal rights or something.

", I didn't like her that much anyway."

Meanwhile, the main characters find everyone dead at this camp and then steal this RV with a dead guy in the driver's seat. Careful, he might have germs!

Then they find the military outfit criminals, who are doing whatever those types of guys always do. They have a fight, but it's okay – afterward, the good guys invite them to come onto their RV and hang out after. They tie them up I guess, but it's still a nice gesture.

The ensuing RV driving scene is full of mosquitoes chasing our heroes (or, if you prefer, “those random people we don't care about” which is what I imagine most viewers called them). 

However, that wasn't exciting enough. No, we also needed a subplot in this action scene about the bad guys breaking out and attacking everyone in the RV.

Mosquito attacks aren't that exciting, we NEED this dumb hostage scene that goes nowhere!

Ray does some kung fu fighting he mysteriously learned between takes to take on the younger guy – I wonder where he learned that. Maybe they had him strapped to a chair with his eyes forced open Clockwork Orange style watching Bruce Lee movies in his trailer.

Then Megan stops it by kicking the older dude in the balls, because we're operating on 1990s pre-teen cartoon logic. Maybe in the next scene, someone will pull pigtails or make a “Yo Mama” joke.

Then they have to go hide in the sewer. I'm sure they had a good reason, like maybe they wanted to see how one of those giant mosquito props could fit in a sewer. Or maybe, I dunno, the main characters just act better when surrounded by literal heaps of stinking garbage.

Verdict - eh, too blurry.

After they get out of there, we get a bunch of scenes of Mr. Park Ranger Guy yapping his bitch hole about how annoying it is to be chased by giant mosquitoes. I guess maybe he got shot in an earlier scene before this. But so what if he got shot? There are children starving in Africa, you ungrateful pig swine!

So, a bit of a question for you guys: do you like Night of the Living Dead?

I assume you do. In that case, haven't you always thought it would be better with giant mosquitoes replacing all the zombies? I sure have. And I am fucking glad this movie solved my issues with Night of the Living Dead.

Yeah...that house looking exactly like the Night of the Living Dead one and this situation being very similar doesn't do your movie any fucking favors.

We get some pretty so-so scenes full of a bunch of gunfire and stuff. Then in the best twist in the world, it's revealed that underneath the house, there are a bunch of mosquitoes nesting. Fearing sequels to this, they destroy them by blowing up the entire house.

That's way too many to animate, so we have to destroy them all and end the movie now.

This film was instructional. Through its runtime, it did help me understand how to get rid of a mosquito infestation. If there are too many of them around my house, I really just have to open the door, let them all in, and then burn down my house. That's the path to true mosquito death. Thank you, Mosquito, for giving us that tutorial. Now if you'll excuse me, there are way too many of those little fuckers in my house. Time to go get my blowtorch.

Images copyright of their original owners; I own none of them.