Sunday, June 21, 2015

Cinema Freaks LIVE: Insidious Chapter 3 (2015)

In this week's podcast, Michelle and I looked at Insidious Chapter 3, which is actually a prequel to the other two movies. So why is it billed as a sequel? I don't fucking know. In the podcast, we talk about a lot of things I don't mention in this review, so check that out right now, you guys.

Also, SPOILERS abound!

The film is just bad all around. I didn't really expect much, but like a horrific car wreck, it was hard to turn away from this after the unmitigated disaster of the second film. I guess I really just don't get these kinds of movies. Who are they trying to appeal to? There's zero good scares, no plot, no character – just an endless run of loud noises to make you jump. Oh man are there a fuckload of jump scares in this.

If you thought the height of artistry in horror was a haunted house you visited down the block on Halloween though, this movie could be for you.

There are so many that I'm amazed they didn't get slapped with a fine for harassment. I mean, if you banged on your neighbor's door as much as there are loud noises in this movie, you'd be lucky if you didn't get shot.

Plot and character are super flimsy. Excuse me if I'm not invested in the plight of the clearly rich girl with the fancy apartment, good friends, supportive family, etc. Yeah, her mother died, which sucks for her, but the movie is trying to play it off like her newly-single dad is struggling and having this super hard time keeping things together. Which, again, I'm sure would suck in real life – but how does this movie portray it? They just put a few messy dishes in the otherwise picture-perfect, super-nice apartment they live in. Otherwise, the place looks like it could be in an Urban Outfitters catalogue – but a few dirty dishes, fuck me.

Can you feel the struggle and sadness?

It's just a shitty, phoned in way to try and depict grief. Better movies like The Babadook or The Shining have portrayed real people struggling with demons through metaphor and storytelling. This one doesn't do that – it doesn't even try. Instead it just drops all of that and goes into what you expect from these sorts of movies, which is mostly just endless jump scares from people with white face make up while the soundtrack goes quiet.

Jesus fucking christ there are a lot of jump scares in this movie. I know I'm repeating myself a lot there, but, hey, I've still said it less than the actual amount of jump scares in the movie.

Oh, but there are a few other things in the movie - like the most accident prone main character ever. She gets hit by a car while standing in the middle of the street early on, because she was distracted by a ghost. Then for the rest of the movie, apparently nothing can stop her from getting pushed out of her wheelchair or bed, hurting herself more and all around just failing at being safe. I think it's time to get her a bubble, you guys.

"Dad, how hard is it to keep me from falling out a window?!?"

There's also the scene where the main chick, who has two broken legs, gets possessed and attacks them, somehow coming out on top. I wouldn't want to be the guy who got the shit kicked out of him by her - what would his story be? "Hey, bro, how did you get hurt?" "Uh...a girl with two broken legs kicked me..."

All people with broken legs become MMA fighters. That's how life works. Try it at home, kids with broken legs!

Michelle said it was better than the second one. That's probably true, as being worse than the second one would have been a feat to be marveled. But there's this really irritatingly simplistic attitude this movie seems to have between the lines. Its world-view is depressingly black and white – one of the actual lines said in the movie is “there are two worlds beyond our own, one light and one dark.” Aside from being an incredibly cringe-worthy piece of writing, it's also a terrible way to look at the world, being more akin to a cartoon action movie than anything scary or interesting.

They literally just say there's good and evil, black and white, right up front. If you don't mind me getting philosophical, maybe the world would be a better place if our entertainment didn't push the idea on us that there's such thing as good and evil, black and white, only two binary answers to every question with zero ambiguity or grey area in the middle. How is that productive at all?

I don't even think you can use the excuse that it's just dumb fun, because this is about as fun as having the flu. It's poisonous and vapid "entertainment" that I hope people start to see for the crap that it is. With cliche and rote writing that's always predictable, no good atmospheres, no good scares, it sucks. If our watching this movie and reviewing it can persuade one person not to see it, then we did a good thing.

And again, holy shit, how many jump scares do you NEED in a horror movie? Someone stop this madness!

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