With that said, I thought I'd start off with the bad first again, since I want to leave you on a better impression with the good stuff next. These are the worst movies I've ever seen. Most of them are things I've reviewed, yeah, and the actual reviews will go more into depth. But as my reviews are often humorously exaggerated, I thought I'd give more of an impression on what I personally, seriously think are the worst movies out there. They're not the SyFy-level low budget crapfests like Bear or the Asylum version of 11/11/11 - those films are what they are, and it's simply not worth really hating them. These films are ones that I personally just think are the worst out there, artistically or for moral reasons.
With no further ado, let's get on with it!
20. I Know Who Killed Me
Purely a mess, this film, which won almost every Razzie the
year it came out, is the definition of a cinematic train wreck. Nothing about
it works and nothing about it is enjoyable. Stupid, wrongheaded and incredibly
poorly written, I Know Who Killed Me is a dud.
19. Idle Hands
Where is the worth in this thing? It’s the bottom of the
barrel for garbage stoner humor. Idle Hands is a film for wastoid, worthless
burnout morons, and a clear sign that the 90s – that decade of charmingly
likable stoner humor – was over. After this, there really was no going back.
18. The Descent 2
Literally just thoughtless. There really was no plot to this
thing for most of the runtime, and what plot there was just contradicted the
first film and made absolutely no sense. I’d rather be in a coma than see this
again, and frankly, seeing it is one of the most surefire ways to get in a coma in the first place.
Hideous.
17. Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation
So awful that it almost becomes brilliant. Almost being the
key word.
16. Poltergeist III
Just undeniably worthless. A few interesting trippy special
effects near the end can’t save one of the worst horror movie scripts I’ve ever
seen in my life. This movie made me angry with how inept and mean spirited it
was towards its characters and the franchise as a whole.
15. Hellraiser: Hellseeker
I hate almost all of these movies, but Hellseeker had to be
the worst of the ones I sat through. Slow, boring, confusing and obnoxious,
Hellseeker is just a headache and a half. Your time could be better served
driving nails through your own head. It would have about the same effect.
14. Deadgirl
I didn’t really hate this film, because it’s simply too
silly and inept to truly hate, but
the morals and message behind this are so despicable and so prominent in your
face that not having Deadgirl on a ‘worst movies’ list would be a crime. This
is a misogynistic, hateful piece of trash that falls on its own face so much
that it becomes almost as humorous as it is pathetic.
13. Hannibal
This has got to be one of the most inept films I’ve ever
seen, with no clear purpose or meaning to the script, confusing character
action and a horrendously unbalanced, lopsided pacing. As a movie on its own,
it’s terrible, but as a sequel to Silence of the Lambs, it’s an outright
disgrace.
12. Romeo + Juliet
Shakespeare is rolling in his grave. Thanks a lot, Baz
Luhrman…you bastard.
11. Hollow Man
Like Deadgirl, this is incredibly misogynistic and
hate-filled, but unlike Deadgirl it is much more outright offensive and
blatantly unlikable. Animal violence, violence against women…it’s just a
catalogue of misery. This was just an excuse for the director to act out his
sick fantasies.
10. Aeon Flux
Blah, blah, blah, the cartoon was probably better than this,
I get it. But Aeon Flux as a movie is wholly unredeemable. A collection of
confusing plot elements and annoying writing, this is just an insipid
experience.
9. The Box
I’m fairly
sure that, in some parallel universe, it is a jailable offense to even watch
this film, so hackneyed and unenjoyable as it is. Pretentious, unpleasant and nonsensical, it's just a feat of amazement that this ever got off the cutting room floor. The fact that The Box exists
is just an insult to mankind’s creative process as a whole. Director Richard Kelly also made Donnie Darko; that should tell you enough, but this movie is actually far, far worse.
8. Old Dogs
A comedy about as funny as it is charming: that is, straight
zero on both counts, all across the board. This movie is literally the most
soulless corporate pandering I think you can get in a movie without simply
having the actors hold up signs that say ‘GIVE US MONEY’ at random points. I’m not
opposed to low brow comedy, it can be pretty funny when done with a certain
energy and relentless disregard for good taste…but Old Dogs is simply the sell
out to end all sell outs. Perhaps the least funny movie I have ever seen.
7. Black Dahlia
Long, boring, terribly, TERRIBLY written and by the end of
it, you will be chomping at the bit to go beat up Brian De Palma for unleashing
this film on humanity. There are so many bad things in this movie, even my
3000+ word review couldn’t cover all of them. Despite having talented actors at
his disposal, De Palma couldn’t make anything in this moronic script come off
as even the slightest bit convincing.
6. The Uninvited
The Uninvited, a remake of the only average Tale of Two
Sisters, is one of the most unexpectedly painful and horrible experiences I’ve
ever had in a movie. Just riddled with poor writing and plot holes out the ass,
this film is just unbearable, as the utter stupidity of it all will begin to
weigh on you like a ton of bricks. The plot holes build on top of one another
like a game of Jenga, and by the film’s enraging conclusion, you will wonder how
anyone involved with this even has a job at all. I don’t even think beginning
film school students could create something this thoughtless and jaw-droppingly
horrible. It’s just a dumbfounding trip into the worst the human creative brain
can offer.
5. CashBack
Another one that seems to think hating on women is cool. And
all I have to say is, get bent, movie. This makes Jennifer’s Body look
positively modest and chaste in comparison. A movie that teaches us that
women’s bodies are only there for the whims of one nerdy, depraved art student
who I CAN’T IMAGINE WHY got dumped by his girlfriend, CashBack is just
appalling and should be shut up in an underground vault for all eternity, never
to be released. Feeling sorry for any of the characters in this piss-pile is
just impossible as all of them are about as likable as black fungus growing on
your sandwich. The outright, blatant misogyny is just suffocating in how rotten
its stench is, but the rest of the comedy is so boorish and sophomoric that not
even fans of Old Dogs and Epic Movie would find it funny – they wouldn’t even
crack a smile. One of the most offensive, tasteless things I have ever seen on
film.
4. The Traveler
A festival of seemingly endless, tasteless gore, The
Traveler is one of the more egregious and terrible examples of the worst trends
in horror today. It substitutes realistic characters for horrible one-note
jokes and screaming, raging assholes impossible to elicit any sympathy from,
and tension and drama for gore and blood and guts. Movies like this are the
reason why horror is in such a dire state nowadays, as there is simply nothing
there to latch onto. The gore is unpleasant and far too realistic to be
entertaining, and the story is boring and rote to extremes I didn’t know
possible. There’s no creativity to be found and all this movie seems to want to
do is show you seemingly non-stop scenes of these people getting murdered,
without any reason to care, as every character is unlikable. This is just a
hateful, spiteful film that gets worse and worse as it goes on, without even
one iota of quality at all, and I was just at a loss for words at how this even
got green lighted. Films like this will be the death of horror as a genre – the
final nail in the coffin. Don’t support this, don’t rent it…just forget about
it.
3. The Road
If you really like child abuse, little girls screaming in
pain and non-stop scenes of nothing but undiluted misery and pain, The Road is
for you. This movie is simply indefensible, with so many horrible things in it
that it all just becomes white noise. The thing about torture and really
grotesque, hardcore shit is that you need to build up drama and have something
to really say beyond “hey, this is
really hard to watch!” There needs to be some purpose, some commentary or some
kind of underlying story that justifies the violence, because otherwise all you
have is exploitative crap. With this film, all you get is more and more of the worst
of humanity, without convincing enough writing to come across as realistic –
oh, and the fact that there are ghosts and supernatural demons doesn’t
help the 'realism' factor either. This has no idea what it wants to be, what it wants to say or who it’s
appealing to.
2. American Psycho 2
American Psycho is possibly Christian Bale’s finest moment,
a classic of modern cinema and has a lot of great social commentary on the
bourgeois white-collar class of the 80s. This movie is none of those things,
and completely ruins the first film in its first five minutes as it has Patrick
Bateman killed off unceremoniously by a young girl. Mila Kunis wins my personal
‘worst actress ever’ award in this, but to be fair, nobody could have done well
by the hack-work script. Most of this is ear-bleeding narration that literally
becomes painful to listen to. You will really have to turn this off for a while
to get a break from the constant self-indulgent prattle this movie tries to
pass for a story. There really is no story, and the closest this movie gets to
evoking anything but contempt and hatred is when you see a couple of college
aged girls trying to sleep with their teacher, played by William Shatner, to
get better grades. That won’t evoke contempt – just derisive, unbelieving
laughter. I hope whoever greenlighted this film doesn’t sleep well at night
anymore.
And my number 1 worst movie of all time is...
1. Rock n Roll Frankenstein
Words can’t even describe the pain
that this movie inflicted on me, with its utter disregard for anything that
would normally pass for an enjoyable film. I just...ugh...just, ugh; that's the best description. After I finished watching this
movie, I turned to my friend and proclaimed it, instinctively, ‘the worst thing
mankind has ever created.’ I remember standing in my kitchen afterwards and
seriously thinking I would rather just stop reviewing movies instead of
reviewing this one. People, there are certain limits a man has, and for me, it
is when I see a movie about a bunch of guys that create a Frankenstein’s
Monster-esque creature, give it a gay man’s penis, and then the monster is
sexually confused because of it. That’s this whole movie. And I hate myself
forever for just writing that…FOR THE SECOND TIME.
Christ. Just kill me now.
So that's my 'bottom 20' worst films ever list, for those of you who were interested. Stay tuned for the 'best' list tomorrow!
No comments:
Post a Comment