Monday, December 31, 2012

REVIEW: Jack Frost (1997)

Man, I just haven’t felt very inspired lately. I don’t even know what it is. It’s just…is this all there is to my work here? Have I hit a wall? All I do every week is the same damn stuff with the same damn old jokes. I need to switch things up on this blog before I get so stagnant the dust starts to settle. But since I can’t just sit around and muse for 1000+ words about my own lack of a…muse…I might as well review something anyway while I have your present attention. So what’s it gonna be, Magical Reviewing Lottery?

Director: Michael Cooney
Starring: Scott McDonald, Stephen Mendel

Aw, what? Seriously, this crap? I meant to review this shit years ago, but I couldn’t find it, and I guess that was just the heavens’ way to make damn sure I didn’t lose any more of my brain cells than I had to. Jesus. This is seriously the bottom of the barrel. Not even really the worst out there so much as the most brainless, half-assed nonsense you could possibly create. No effort went into this. No thought. Nothing but pure spite for the love of the creation of good art. Ugh…and I wonder why I’m losing inspiration…

Anyway, whatever, so this is Jack Frost, the killer snowman movie. I guess it starts out with something so stupid I feel embarrassed for even writing it…some kind of “comedic” bedtime story told to a little girl about a serial killer named Jack Frost. Except I should have put “little girl” in quotes, too, because it sounds more like a creepy pedophile trying to imitate a little girl.

See, and I don’t even get why I keep making these crass references anyway; always trying to undermine the movie by being as low as the movie itself, as crude and rude, or even worse sometimes, than the pedestrian material I keep on slagging. And why? It just makes me look bad. I’m above these movies. I know what good writing is and yet I constantly lower myself to the same level as the garbage I claim to make fun of. It’s not good, people. It’s not good!

Oh, so what, the characters in this actually live in a town called “Snowmonton”? I guess it must be next to the Hell Township from Santa’s Slay…we are introduced to our serial killer for the movie, none other than Jack Frost himself. I guess you’re kind of destined to be a serial killer with eyes like these:

Kinda the gene pool's fault on that one.

He kills a security guard in the back of the truck somehow, because, I dunno, they got the security guards from the local mall or something. The two idiots in the front say that Jack Frost is lucky to die because that way he doesn’t have to drive back through the snowstorm. So it must be divine grace that allows their vehicle to flip over like a carnival ride and send them to their icy deaths outside, so they don’t have to make that damn drive home. Darwinian natural selection, folks.

Jack Frost, however, was destined for other paths…he crashes into a truck of genetic materials conveniently driving the same way, and his DNA merges with the snow to create the stupidest thing possible. Somehow I gather this movie wasn't made by scientific geniuses…I dunno why that impulse is so strong though.

Every movie should have a CGI cartoon to explain its plot. If the Godfather had a pastel-colored animation explaining the structural set-up of the mafia families, it would have been improved tenfold. If Casablanca had a claymation sequence explaining the war outside, I bet it would have been a masterpiece.

I mean, really, that’s so stupid you could see it from space. That stupid CGI cartoon…why am I even bothering? This is like…making fun of a mentally handicapped kid. There was no higher thought put into this at all. Me sitting here and bashing on this is about as useful as a blind person getting a job as a traffic coordinator. Not to be prejudiced against the blind, but that’s seriously what my review is like so far!

Then we see a sheriff named Sam Tiler remembering how he caught and apprehended Jack Frost in the horrible act of being parked on the side of the road. Jack was so mad that he started screaming at the top of his lungs about revenge against Tiler and the rest of the town. Because he got caught for murdering people. How dare they want him in jail…and then we see the best winter effects ever…oh, screw it, sarcasm is so passé.

Yeah, pretty sure you need more than just a little pile of snow to make that many snowmen...but hey, with this movie, maybe we're all being duped and the "snowmen" really ARE just supposed to be made out of Styrofoam. Nobody could possibly expect us to believe they look that fake.

Look at that shit. It’s like the middle of summer; how are we supposed to believe this takes place in the middle of wintertime up north? Half the time they have big snowmen built and then nothing but bare brown soil and grass all around them. The scenery conveniently switches between that and actual snowy ground outside when it’s not supposed to be much time passing at all between scenes…it’s just a mess. Suspension of disbelief is fine and dandy, but why would you even want to believe any of this? Like the snowman itself...

That's not a serial killer slasher, that's a Ronald McDonald character reject. Try harder.

Holy hell is that fake looking. I mean that looks like a bad Styrofoam costume. Even five year olds wouldn't believe that. Speaking of little kids, Sheriff Tiler’s son is a little jackass who messes around too much with food in the kitchen with no supervision. I’ve made enough jokes about bad parenting and gone on enough rants. There don’t need to be any more.

Outside, the kid, whose name is Ryan, gets in a fight with some bullies who just come by and screw with him outside his own house. They try to make him snowboard (…), but somehow their leader ends up getting his head cut off. Everyone treats this like it’s just an everyday occurrence, like it’s just a kid with a paper cut. The father of the decapitated kid tries to play off like it was Ryan who killed his son, because I guess this neighborhood has a big history of little kids decapitating their school playmates. The logical conclusion, clearly.

While the town is reeling over that as well as the mysterious murder of some old fart on the outskirts of town that Jack Frost killed, Jack Frost goes and kills a family in the true Yuletide spirit:

Such taste, such class! The Christmas spirit is strong with this movie.

Why is he even doing this at all? I guess he just needs a vehicle for awful puns. After every kill he says some horrible joke that sounds like it came from the bowels of the 1950s. “I only axed you for a smoke!” after killing someone with an ax, for instance…Jesus, these jokes are bad. If you really want to see the worst this movie has, though, look no further than…


Yup. A snowman carrot rape scene. You know what? I’m not even gonna bother. It's tasteless beyond belief, as unfunny as cancer and without any kind of value or reason to exist. Next scene.

There are these two “FBI agents,” note the quotes, who basically are just there to add the illusion that this movie has a story. Every character in this movie is in love with the phrase “Oh shit” as their sole exclamation of shock and awe. Kinda takes the actual shock and awe out of the equation, don’t you think? It’s like this movie was written by idiotic stoned teenagers who watched too many Bill and Ted movies in their parents’ basement.

Jack Frost kills some more people by turning from snow into water, which I guess is one of his genetically altered superpowers…they all end up at the police station where it’s revealed that the two “FBI agents” are actually from some kind of secret science lab or something where the chemicals that made Jack what he is came from. So they’re basically on a PR mission to save their asses. Nice. The attempts at making an actual story out of this – some crap about genetic melding of snow with DNA – are laughable because they could have easily used the miniscule thought that went into this to create something with, I dunno, ACTUAL MERIT AND STORYTELLING WORTH.

"This is only the second or third time we've had a mutant serial killer created by our chemicals...our bad..."

See, and that’s another thing I keep falling back on like mad, that I have to stop. That damn over-use of caps lock to prove a point. I like to accentuate words in these reviews to make them more entertaining and to show how I feel about certain things. But I just have been doing this caps lock shit way, way too much. And it’s sucking me dry.

Sigh…so where were we? There’s a scene where one of the secret agent guys starts shooting his gun at Jack when he’s melted into water…next!

"I'm the top marksman in my class! Water, you better watch out! I'm coming to get you!" God what a friggin idiotic idea...

They eventually blow up the police station and think they’ve killed Jack, but because this movie is resilient to actually pleasing its audience by ending, it continues to drag on. So, then what? They try to kill him in a furnace? Surely that must be the end, right? No, because we still have more bad jokes to puke out and, hey, I still have to make gross bodily fluid references because I guess I have nothing else to fall back on.

But man. This movie is seriously insipid. How many fake-outs do we have to have before it just gets old? Are the makers of this nonsense really contributing anything to the artistic side of film or the comedic side by continuing like this? I’m seriously asking here. It’s beyond simply bad writing and into straight up bizarre, mean spirited and cruel torture on the viewers. Just end it already! You’re doing absolutely nothing worth watching!

Is that supposed to be the real wall? I wouldn't be surprised if they really didn't have the budget to make a wall and then forgot about it later and burst through it like a Wile E. Coyote cartoon.

…yeah, I guess addressing the film like it’s another person I’m talking to in conversation never really worked that well, huh? Those damn movies never listen to me anyway.

After lots more horrendous “comedy,” we finally find out the real way to kill this stupid snowman after all – Anti-Freeze. Lots and lots of Anti-Freeze. They find out because apparently Ryan made Sheriff Tiler some nasty looking goop with Anti-Freeze in it because “he didn’t want him to get cold.” Wow. You could’ve almost killed your father there, you little brat. I think we’ll see this kid on an episode of Darwin Awards someday for something so horrific I don’t even want to imagine. But in this one oddly specific, overly coincidental occurrence…he saves the day. And provides us with the lovely factoid that snowmen can bleed:

Is it an abstract painting? No, but it is proof that even with snowmen, Troma-style gore still has a place.

This movie shouldn’t have had a killer snowman in it. Without that garbage, it would have been a dark story about a little kid who killed his father by messing around in the kitchen with stuff that belongs in a garage. But with it? It’s total wastoid, burnout crap with no value to anyone, and the fact that it has a “cult following,” according to Wikipedia makes me very sad for humanity. But as I am not in the business now of overly exaggerating everything into a life-or-death manner, I’ll just shrug it off and continue being better than the kind of people who would make low-brow, mean spirited trash like this.

As for my own dilemma, I just don’t know what the future holds from this point out. I feel like my reviews have become stagnant. It’s becoming more and more of a strain to write them and I just don’t feel like they’re as good anymore. I still want to do these reviews, sure; but not at the expense of credibility. I’m not as excited about the material I’m reviewing or as interested in actually making new jokes and evaluating things in a meaningful manner. So I think I’ll stop trying so hard and…wait for inspiration to come to me, rather than chasing it futilely. Peace out.

The images in this review are copyright of their original owners.