Thursday, May 26, 2011

The Marine 2 (2009)

A Review by Christina Soto


Roel Reiné

I was planning on reviewing Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl but, decided on another movie that I found while rummaging though my movie collation: The Marine 2, Staring WWE’s own Ted Dibiase.

Yes, The WWE has decided for some reason that the first Marine (staring another wrestler named John Cena) made some money, which they had to make a sequel! Just another trend that the WWE has, besides making stupid story lines and bland wrestlers.

I find myself shaking my head at the sheer stupidity this movie will entail. Just by looking at the box cover, it looks like some kind of generic action film from the 80’s or something, which should scream undulated BADASS. But, sadly not. It looks like Ted’s about to cry here.

Oh, what are we in store for today, folks?

So, the movie opens in a third would country with a boy picking up a gun and pointing it at a little girl, who then lefts up a super soaker and the two start to have a water gun fight. SYMBOLISM! Then the camera pans to a near by roof top where two marines are waiting. Here we meet are hero: Joe Linwood and his black friend: Token.

The reason they are there on top of a roof in a third world country is to stop an arms deal with TERRORISM! Nothing really happens, and Joe has to decide to take the shot or not. So, he kills one of the Terrorist that and some how kills another terrorist when he wasn’t hit. What happens next is an action scene where grenades explode like 500 pound bombs! GRENADES DON’T WORK THAT WAY!!!

So, after the gunfight, the two then turn and try to run, but the boy from earlier gets shot. Joe then tries to save the kid, but they can’t stay or they both would be killed, so they leave the boy to die. One poor transition later we find our hero at the marine base and talking to he wife Robin, who has the role of plot device in this abomination. After talking about a resort where her boss is hosting a V.I.P party. And here is where we get to see Ted’s bland acting, but don’t worry it about it now; it just gets worse. It’s so bland, the movie starts the next transition to the next scene, where our plot device and Joe arrive on some random island.

And we get to see some more bland acting but from the other actors… nothing really happens in the next few scenes besides getting to meet plot device’s asshole boss and more nothing much… I kind blank here. Ted’s acting like a piece of wood on screen; I‘d rather watch paint dry.

Soon the two deiced to wander around the resorts almost as if this is some sort of comical for a Sandals resort. Hmm, anyway the two head off to a random shack to try and do some snorkeling where they meet the owner of the shack, who I will refer as Mr. Snorkel. plot device and Mr. Snorkel exchange a few words while Joe stands in the background trying to blend in, but failing as Mr. Snorkel asks him about him and they exchange a few words before he deice he had enough of Joe’s bad acting and ditches them in a cove, where nothing happens.

I don’t know why I’m here at all.

Next scene takes place later that night, where we see a bunch of books written by plot device’s boss . I hope this doesn’t mean anything. Soon plot device and Joe meet with her boss, who bitches about reporters and plot device chews him out and then the does some more talking. Wow; this movie is bland. The talking stops and they start to watch fireworks that seem like they’re for the WWE as a rocket zooms by and hit of a guard towers, causing:

Embarrassing, just embarrassing.

As the terrorists storm in, taking the party goers as hostage; plot device’s boss confronts one of the terrorists, and asks:

“Who are you and what do you want?”


Boy, terrorism is the best.

Joe tries but in vain to stop the terrorist only to get knocked out.
plot device, the boss, and the rest are taken hostage and dragged to some other part of the resort.

With Joe, he wakes up to find himself waking up with Mr. Snorkel who fills him in on what happened. But, fortunately for Joe, the terrorists decided to make their ransom public over the internet, because of some shit about “The West is Evil” and if they don‘t get their ransom, they‘ll start killing people.

Joe tries to act mad; failing that, decides that storming in is the best way to save his wife, but Mr. Snorkel tries to convince him otherwise. However, he fails, and the while scene is rendered ENTIRELY POINTLESS. So, he ends up on a military post where a band of mercenaries are about to head in a carry out a rescue mission.

With the terrorist, the boss tries to negotiate with the terrorists to stop killing the hostages. The leader of the terrorists agrees; he then turns to his brother and stats “All is going as planned”

Just as planned; but way more stupid than this.

We then returned to the post, where Joe is trying to help in the operation, but is told they didn’t want him or his wooden acting messing things up, But negotiator tells him he may be useful and send him along, he follows the mercenaries, almost getting himself shot.

All ready there they let him tag along, but then he ask for a gun the mercs shrugs his shoulders handing him the gun waiting to see WJR shot himself with it instead he shows off his leet skills and heads shots one of the terrorist guard, somehow earning the mercenaries respect. Now feeling more like a Call of Duty rip off, WJR and the mercenaries wad through the small pool and here a sound and find some of there man have been killed and find there is a spy among them who have led them into a TRAP!!!!

Damn, I don’t even want be here.

And yet another gun fight ensues, making this the third in the entire movie. Now we cut back to the terrorist being terrifying… that’s it. These scenes with the terrorist are pointless and drag on forever.

After another pointless scene, we see Joe talk with the mercenary leader who says the traitor was bought off and how that’s how the life of the mercenary is. He then gives him his gun. Nothing else happens here besides Joe’s bland acting.

Later he finds Mr. Snorkel, and asks for help. At first he refuses, but with Joe’s bland acting, Mr. Snorkel agrees to help. Driving to the cove then leaving him to sneak around for about ten minutes! Killing only one man! Boring!

Finally, Joe stops sneaking around and engages two of the terrorists in a gun fight before killing one of them and torturing the other for information with his bland before running off. And another gun battle ensues.

Back with the terrorists, the leader terrorist kills the one terrorist who was tortured. Sucks to be him.

Back with Joe another gun fight happen but this time, he gets hit. But, instead of going down he runs toward then and engages in Kung Fu! Ted being the winner.

Back with military post, the negotiator is sent to retrieve the hostages, but military dude say it might be A TRAP!!!

We cut back to Joe who made his way closer, to where the hostages are and started to set of fire works to lure out the terrorist (which works some how) and he sneak the hostages out.

But, the lead terrorist realizes something wrong and recaptures the hostage plus Joe. We soon find out that the negotiator was the spy all along but it really doesn’t as soon he is blown up and the rest of the hostages are led away while Joe is left to be killed by another random terrorist. Sigh, when will they learn. They can’t kill Joe or his wooden acting. So, he manages to kill the random terrorist and finds the hostages, but waiting for him was lead terrorist’s brother.

Another battle ensues, but this time it looks like Joe might not make it out, but Mr. Snorkel comes to save the day, he shots the young terrorist in the head and help get the hostages. But, plot device is not among them, she’s with lead terrorist. The Head terrorist then blows up the resort and runs off.

Joe then chases after them only to be lead to the docks and another fight scene. Then the tables are turned when the lead terrorist start chasing Joe, soon they return to the docks where the have a final fight where Joe hits lead terrorist with a harpoon and kills him.

Joe and plot device reunite in a touching moment, when the not dead terrorist who says he is not the last and soon there will be more. Joe, not liking lead terrorist ruining his moment, blows him up as the movie ends.

And that was the Marin 2 and it was bland. The acting was forgettable; the actions scene came and went. THIS MOVIE IS BORING.