Monday, April 11, 2011

REVIEW: Jason X (2001)

Due to some complications with the Cube movies, I can’t review them now and will have to do it later. So to tide you over, I think I’ll do another movie…but which one? I don’t have anything! There must be some poor sap of a film I can take a look at and make people laugh…something so worthless and so hackneyed in every possible way that it MUST be destroyed by me! But what?

Director: Intergalactic Space Scum
Starring: Hot chicks, dumbass guys and Jason.

"It's OK, everybody! He just wanted his machete back!"
-A Very Stupid Man

After the opening credits, which look like something out of Eli Roth’s wet dreams, we start off with a nice shot of Jason as the camera rotates around to show us his ugly head while some words flash across the bottom of the screen. Apparently Jason is a test subject for the ‘Crystal Lake Research Facility’ now…yeah, the summer camp where people get killed all the time has a research facility now, go figure. And aside from that, the government really thinks it’s a good idea to keep JASON VOORHEES around to study him? The guy who always finds a way to break loose and kill everybody around? Don’t these morons learn ANYTHING? You know he’s gonna break out in some implausible way (probably by pulling a Houdini on the a-hole guard that put a blanket over his head and switching places with him), kill everyone, and cause havoc…

…so why bother?

So then Jason gets shoved into this cryogenic chamber thing and accidentally presses a button that locks both him and this scientist chick named Rowan inside as they freeze up for the next few hundred years...can anyone say HALF-ASSED SET UP FOR A SLASHER FILM? I can...and that's why I am forever doomed to review this garbage.

Then the Repo-Men (or people that look a fuckton like them) come in after a quick fade to black and uncover the ruins of the place, now covered in cobwebs and stuff. Apparently this is some kind of class field trip in the future where they apparently travel to other planets. They find Jason inside the chamber thingy and are confused as to what that thing is on his face. Apparently hockey has been outlawed since 2024…? OK, whatever. There’s even a futuristic version of a 90s stoner, because that’s a subset of humanity that deserved to live on into the future, right? He looks like the bastard Jamaican son of Rob Schneider and a mentally retarded horse and by the end of his first scene you’ll be wishing he was dead.

"I'm not even annoying enough to get more than a few lines!"

So then the frozen corpse of Jason, complete with the machete still standing upright in his hand, slices the kid’s arm clean off when it falls down. But don’t worry, they have some bullshit technology to fix it so that it doesn’t even matter, like getting a little bug bite. The others find Rowan’s body and decide, with all the powers of ridiculous pseudoscience, that they can revive her!

It doesn’t even matter that she’ll need years of therapy to recover from being frozen for centuries, JUST DO IT!

Oh, and did I mention how stupid this whole crew is? When the pilot hears that they found a woman frozen on the ground, without hearing anything else, he starts asking about how hot she is. That’s really all that matters! And the other male crew members all act equally as horny! Even though like half of their ship is beautiful, perfect-bodied young women, they’re really surprised when they get another one on there. What, are the rest of these chicks just not good enough? Or maybe they’re just not putting out. Hell, reproduction with these idiots doesn’t sound that profitable. I think most of these kids are from the Special Ed school in the future, not anything that actually produces well functioning members of society. That would make more sense.

Oh and there’s another guy who is in charge of helping the ship land, or something, and he basically just sits around in his chair and acts like a grouch to everyone, like he isn’t interested at all. Yeah, that’s real safe; exactly the kind of guy I’d trust for such an important job. Could be worse, though. Could be that manic depressive robot from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

"I think you ought to know, I'm feeling very depressed."


The next five or so minutes is pretty much just technobabble improvised on the spot to try and sound smart as the crew revives Rowan, who is wearing something that looks like it’ll fall off any second if she stops holding it. Well now I can see why these guys like getting new women on their ship all the time.

So the doctor-professor guy who runs the operation talks to an old guy on some futuristic version of Skype and finds out who Jason is. Wait, are you seriously telling me, movie, that even 455 years in the future, ON ANOTHER PLANET, people know Jason? I know he’s killed a bunch of people, but holy shit, that’s a giant fucking leap right there! I mean, seriously? He only killed in one backwater town in the United States the whole time, how has his legacy been so preserved?

But that doesn’t matter. We have…uh, well, this, to watch now:

This gross, disgusting pornography brought to you by the people who thought it would be a good idea to put Jason in space.

Yeah, I’m not even addressing that. The images alone speak volumes for how much humankind has progressed in the last 400 years!

Then we get...the robot chick's nipples falling off. Does this movie just have a fascination with nipples or something?

There were starving children in Africa who weren't helped because money was being put toward this scene. You may now cry.

Uh huh. A guy having sex in a blue dress while getting his nipple pinched and a robot with loose nipples; that’s how far we’ve come in the future, guys! It doesn’t look good. I think Idiocracy had a more intelligent future!

Then Jason comes back to life and pretty much starts slaughtering everybody. And…it’s boring. It’s really, really boring. I mean, holy shit. The movie keeps repeating itself! Jason kills some stock asshole in some uninspiring way, and then some other stock asshole finds the first stock asshole and talks into his or her walkie-talkie all serious and emotional-like, “Sarge…he’s dead.” Rinse and repeat. Don’t you think it’s pretty obvious what’s going to happen after the first two or three times? Why is everyone so surprised when their friends keep turning up dead? It’s like…god, do you have the attention span of a goldfish? If you split up and wander around a dark ship where Jason is, you’re going to get killed. DON’T BE SO SURPRISED ABOUT IT EVERY GODDAMN TIME!

How did this movie get green lighted again? There must have been some kind of foul play involved; there’s no other explanation. I’ll figure it out eventually, just give me a minute or two.

So the corrupt doctor guy who wants Jason so he can make money off of him is like “It’s OK, they know what they’re doing.” Yeah, the people getting killed off like villains’ henchmen in a bad video game know what they’re doing. That’s why they’re constantly calling in every five seconds to tell the sarge who just died…blackmail; it must have been blackmail. Or maybe he lost a bet.

Then they try to land on this other planet, or landing strip, or whatever, but Jason kills the pilot without them knowing, so the ship crashes into a few buildings and suddenly the whole thing just disintegrates. What, was it made out of paper mache? I mean Jesus, that’s a pretty fucking wimpy planet! …It must have been both losing a bet and blackmail, at the same time. Along with a heavy state of inebriation. That must be how this was made.

Jason confronts the doctor guy in the room after everyone else runs away and takes back his machete. This prompts the doctor to tell everyone it’s OK, because Jason just wanted his machete back. Yeah. It’s A-OK now! The psychotic serial killer with super strength who is pretty much invulnerable to anything ONLY WANTED HIS SHARP, POINTY MURDER WEAPON BACK. There’s no cause for alarm at all! OK, I’m convinced. None of these people are worth saving. We should probably just…end the world now to prevent this horrible future of nothing but MORONS from coming to pass. Quick, everyone! Pollute the atmosphere! Provoke your governments to unleash their nuclear weapons! We must avert the horrible fate of the Jason X future at all costs!

How much time’s left in this movie? A half hour? God, what more could they possibly torture us with at this point? I’m never going to survive this; it’s completely hopeless! Oh well. At least I can somewhat entertain myself by looking at the fashion choices the women of this world make. Does anyone else think more women should dress like this now? Maybe make this a new fashion statement?

The whole open-jacket-revealing-boobs thing is actually a good idea. Maybe the future world is onto something after all.

So the geeky guy kisses the robot chick as the camera spins around like the cameraman was on a Merry-Go-Round…go figure for what the point of that was…and Jason kills a few more people. For some reason this one chick who got into the getaway ship attached to the bottom of the larger base won’t let anyone else in, because I guess she’s afraid Jason will come in if she opens the doors. But seriously. She won’t even help her classmates? What the hell? I give this girl the All Time Pussy Award.

Then Jason gets shot up by the android chick and is left for dead…and like true fucking idiots, they just leave him lying there instead of doing anything smart like, oh I don’t know, THROWING HIS DISMEMBERED BODY OFF THE SHIP. That would be too obvious for this cutting edge team of badasses! They patch up that black guy who almost got killed before, and then get in contact with another ship coming toward them. Unfortunately, before this can happen, Jason magically revives himself and now looks like the retarded version of the Mighty Ducks. I'm dead serious.

Strikes fear into the heart of...people who hate ducks, I guess...

He punches a hole in the wall and somehow activates this gale-force wind that seems to be coming from outside the ship…? I don’t know, but that chick with the slutty outfit gets killed and everyone shouts at the top of their lungs like this is the most epic cinematic moment ever put onto celluloud. Please. I’ve eaten hamburgers more epically. The ass cracks of the aliens in Aliens were more interesting.

Oh, and then there’s the part where they distract Jason while they’re fixing some bullshit on the ship, and put him in a hologram world that looks like good old Crystal Lake. Needless to say, he gives these two holographic nude girls the slumber party of their lives.

And after that they painted each other's toenails.

Jason finally gets tackled down to “Earth 2” (you just got that picture off Google and put it into the background of your green screen) and the movie ends with his mask floating to the bottom of the ocean, ready for more sequels that will never be made because this movie sucks! I mean it’s just horrible! All the other Friday the 13th movies always had at least one or two good moments that made them fun to watch, but this? This is just shit. It’s boring, it’s stupid, it’s annoying, it’s just all around crap, and it merits no further discussion. Get this off my Netflix instant viewer immediately!