Holmes & Watson (2018)

Holmes & Watson is the kind of movie you make when you don't give a shit anymore, really. This is a woefully insane movie that had Tony and I just wondering what kind of gambling debts Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly had to settle that led them to do this shit. It's getting press as one of the worst movies of the year and had a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes at first – now it's gotten to the clandestined, unparalleled highs of 8%. Hallelujah!

But what exactly is it that makes it so godawful? Well, strap in, kids!

Director: Etan Cohen

Starring: Will Ferrell, John C. Reilly, Ralph Fiennes

IMDb

Co-written with Tony.

This thing starts off with a young Sherlock Holmes as a child going to a British boarding school, where all the kids are mean to him and force him to kiss the backside of a donkey by blindfolding him – hey, you little jackasses, what do you think this is, Bird Box? And they made fun of him because he did the thing THEY TRICKED HIM to do. What imagination! What candor! You really showed him by executing a planned trick and him falling for it! The height of comedy!

In response, young Holmes immediately, like as he’s standing there humiliated, becomes super smart, cold and detached – he even makes his tears recede back into his body, which is something I imagine alt-right assholes wish they could do to mask their own insecurities. Then he gets every other kid expelled from school for various things he immediately deduces they've done – I wonder what their parents think about this. BUT AT LEAST SHERLOCK GOT HIS EDUCATION, THE LITTLE NARC.

No, seriously; every teacher just teaches him alone for the rest of his time there, I guess. No other students were admitted? Nobody found this weird? OK then, movie.

Then we fast forward to years later as Sherlock Holmes and Watson are world-class detectives, ready to solve any case. Well, actually they’re complete idiots and weirdos, only Holmes occasionally has a burst of deduction to solve whatever hamfisted case they come across. I guess all that specialized education for Holmes didn’t bother to teach him even the most basic things about how to interact in the real world. They get drawn into some kind of mystery involving someone threatening to kill the queen, I guess, although personally I’d trust any random homeless man on the street a thousand times before I hired these obvious deviant maniacs. I’d be afraid of these guys murdering me in my sleep. They’re fucking bonkers.

I mean, a lot of the rest of the movie doesn’t even make enough sense to critique in my usual way - the plot is a lot of nonsense that’s silly on purpose, and the main issue is that it’s weird instead of funny like 99% of the time. These gags are so strange that you’d swear they were working off some ancient parchment full of things an alien civilization found funny hundreds of millennia ago - they’re certainly not funny now. There’s a lot of shots of characters eating raw onions for some reason? A lot of random vomiting? A scene where two characters exchange a romantic glance while performing an autopsy?

It’s just head-scratching. It’s gibberish. Even when the comedy isn’t outwardly terrible like in the first scene of him as a kid, it’s so confusing and bizarre that you don’t laugh anyway.

Then there are the scenes that take up the majority of the film where they just extend lame gags for long enough that they could call this a full length movie rather than a serial killer’s demo reel for SNL. There’s one segment where they break a bee hive conspicuously in Holmes’ apartment and spend several minutes messing around with that - there’s no reason why they have it there except for this gag and the plot doesn’t advance at all, so it’s pretty much a hollow thing and wastes all of our time. If you could fast forward past an entire comedy segment and your movie doesn’t lose much, maybe it sucks… well, maybe it’d be fine if it were legitimately funny, but we know that ship sailed when we saw the first scene.

The second one they do involves the queen coming over, you know, like she does. They end up knocking her unconscious, and then there’s a long sequence of them trying to hide her body, using an obviously fake voice that nobody catches onto, and finally almost chopping her body to pieces with a hacksaw! Wow! I wonder what repercussions there will be for that and what comedic reactions we’ll get! Oh, nothing at all and this was a non-sequitur? OK then.

Seriously - without some of these scenes this would probably be basically a short film. The padding is so much that you could heal a guy with horrific back pain by just lying them down on this movie’s rolls of fat. It’s like a cloud. No substance at all.

There’s really zero point in going into all the other random shit that happens… just to gloss over it, they meet two women from America who fall in love with them, because this is that kind of movie. Also there’s some really dumb dialogue about how America is so noble and has a democracy and a fair justice system. So, you know, if you were thinking this movie was gonna be the second coming of Sartre, you’re wrong about that.

I guess at the end of the movie, Holmes figures out the killer must be someone close to him who can predict what he’s going to do, and so with no real reason he suspects Watson, having him arrested and almost hanged. It turns out, through an overly-long, dragging sequence, that we figure out he’s really just upset because Watson was going to leave him and be with the American woman - so, great reason to do all this! What a stand-up guy! This movie doesn’t have the complexity to tackle stuff like this, and it’s somehow glossed over and done lazily even though they spend time on it.

Anyway, that’s Holmes and Watson. It’s a baffling piece of cinema. Some parts are so weird they border on avant garde, and then you just get other things that are fairly normal, dumb-ass comedy without much in the way of any humor. By the end of the movie it seriously slows down and becomes a more generic picture and this is where it pretty much lost me. Most of the things that happen are inconsequential, and so the movie as a whole tends to feel like a waste of time.

It’s not good, but for those curious like we were due to the awful reviews… well, don’t bother. It sucks. That’s pretty much all there is to it.

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The Campaign (2012)

Well, the 2012 presidential election is almost over (thank God Almighty), and while I had not planned on doing a election-themed review, I recently saw a movie that fit that description, so might as well. So will it be the Robert Redford classic "The Candidate"? Or maybe a full review of "The Ides of March"? 

Nope, its going to be the movie where Will Ferrell punches a baby. Stay classy, Observer...

Starring: Will Ferrell, Zach Galifianakis

Directer: Jay Roach

Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Campaign_(film)

IMDb: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1790886/

The movie stars Will Ferrell as a buffoonish congressman named Cam Brady who is running for reelection when he is caught trying  to make an illicit phone message to a mistress. Suddenly vulnerable, he is challenged by an odd yet idealistic tour guide named Marty Huggins, played by Zach Galifianakis. While he seems like a long shot, he is under the influence of the wealthy Motch Brothers, played by Dan Aykroyd and John Lithgow (or as they are known on this blog, the sitting president in "My Fellow Americans" and the Trinity Killer from "Dexter"). They remake his image with the help of a shady campaign manager (Dylan McDermott) and it leads to a race that get nastier and nastier by the minute.

This an okay movie. I know, I know, I know, I say that about a bunch of different films which by most critical measurements do not deserve even that small positive feedback. That is partly a matter of how I view films, which is trying to see all sides of the picture. But I am also being honest about this one. 

Now that being said, its not exactly a game-changer. Ferrell and Galifianakis play the roles that they usually play, the former being the loud and angry jackass who hurts himself a lot, the latter being...weird. The supporting characters do their parts more or less the way they are suppose to do them. The plot is that of a typical political comedy: Groups A and B just can't get along and get into wacky situations because of it. It also ends on a familiar note: serving the people = good, greedy special interests = bad. In other words, this is another "it is what is is" type of movie.

So what exactly keeps this movie afloat, if anything? Well, it has a bunch of idiotic characters being really crass and unpleasant, which has been the death of many a comedy, and Will Ferrell in particular has been guilt of that on more than one occasion ("Step-Brothers," "Blades of Glory," etc.). I guess the big difference with this one is that, well, it's about politics: the way people act in this movie are obviously over-the-top, but given the way real campaigns are run, I do not think a lot of people are going to be seeing this and complain that it depicts our political system in a negative light. They may not approve of a lot of the bathroom humor or some of the other things that are shown or said, but not the overall emphasis on the nastiness. Comparing your opponent to Al-Qaeda does not look quite as outrageous in a political environment that spreads rumors about "death panels" and features ads about Grandma getting tossed off a cliff. So on that basic level, it works.

So, is the movie funny? Mmm, parts of it. Despite being a dramatic actor, McDermott is pretty amusing as Tim Wattley, an intense campaigner whose methods are a bit extreme to say the least. And Karen Maruyama also provides some humor as Mrs. Yao, the maid of Huggin's father (Brian Cox) who is obligated to talk with a Southern black accent (despite the fact that she is Asian) so that he can be reminded of the "good ole days." Saturday Night Live's Jason Sudeikis does a decent job acting as  Everything else is kind of hit and miss, but it keeps the film going at a steady paste (and it helps that it is only 85 minutes long).

On a side note, I kind of wished that the Motch Brothers had gotten more of a role in the film. Although they were modeled after the real-life Koch brothers, they remind me a lot of the rich brothers from "Trading Places," which was not a political film but had a vaguely similar plot. This comparison is even more compelling when you consider that Dan Aykroyd was the victim of the brother's conspiracy in that film and is now a brotherly co-conspirator in this one. I just think that is an interesting career transition, even if it was not intentional. So I wish that the movie had played more upon their characters, particularly given the comedic abilities of both Aykroyd as well as Lithgow (remember that episode of "3rd Rock from the Sun" where he brutally murders a woman in her bathtub and...wait, I think I am getting his TV roles confused...). Then again, if they did end up doing that and the attempt flopped, there is a good chance I would be complaining about how the filmmakers were trying to rip off "Places" or that they were trying to make a partisan political statement (they are, in fact, a bit partisan, but not in an overwhelming manner). So, it cuts both ways. I just thought I would point this out from my own nerdy, movie-obsessed point of view.

So overall, the movie is...passable, I guess. It all really comes down to how you feel about the two main actors. As I have indicated here and in the past, I have mixed feelings about Ferrell and I like Galifianakis well enough but I won't say I am crazy about him. If I had to place a range as to where this falls in terms of their respective filmographies, I would say it is not as good as "The Other Guys" but better than "Due Date." Sound like a ringing endorsement to you? Eh, didn't think so. My point being is that if you are a big fan of one or both of them, you will probably like it. If you don't like either of them, you may want to skip it. As far as being a political comedy goes, this one relies a lot more on gags than satire. Again, it depends on what you like, though for me it's a little hard to recommend it since there is better stuff out there (such as, well, "My Fellow Americans": http://docuniverse.blogspot.com/2010/09/my-fellow-americans-1996.html).

But if any of this appeals to you, by all means, go and see it. I am guessing, however, that you may want to wait a bit before you do so. I think we have all had enough of campaigns for the time being, don't you?

I do not own the pictures or links displayed above. They are for entertainment purposes only. Please do not sue me.

Review: The Other Guys (2010) TH

Off-the-wall cops and financial frauders

At first glance, this looks to be another same-ol', same-ol' buddy cop movie after just getting over the sour taste of "Cop Out." Though this was one of the better comedies of 2010, as generic, stupid or pointless it may initially seem--it ain't. This also works as an action movie spoof that is less exaggerated than "Loaded Weapon" and "Hot Shots" and more closer to "Hot Fuzz," if still unlike. It's off in its own odd-ball world where everyday life is noteworthy and completely over-the-top silly in a way similar to the director's other works like "Anchorman" and "Talladega Nights." The simplistic story has some relating points, though the scenarios and setups in between is what makes this an amusing ride that has capability of repeating and reliving.

Two NYPD detectives are begrudgingly assigned together and have to maintain the partner's code which entails getting each other's backs, except they have nothing in common to the point of being the absolute antithesis of one another. Terry Hoitz (Mark Wahlberg) is a man's man who's more street wise than book smart and also doesn't express himself through anything but anger and disapproval: a yell, a smirk, a cold stare at the slightest slip in his chauvinist view. Allen Gamble (Will Ferrell) is a learned but gullible man who's the everybody-make-fun-of guy due to everything he does going strictly by the book, not to mention looking like a straight-edge accountant that he is who plays it safe behind his desk, outdated specs and the wheels of a Prius.

The super cops--more like "superstars"--of the department get first dibs on calls and are practically treated like royalty. Highsmith (Samuel L. Jackson) and Danson (Dwayne Johnson) wear their shades, flashy clothing and drive their muscle cars, except until they unexpectedly check out early and someone else takes their place in front of the cameras and press stands. Hoitz wants him and his tight-end partner to step up after being stuck behind a desk--or as he puts it "I am a peacock, you gotta let me fly!"--by doing everyone else's paper work. Except first they have some competition with the wise crackin' partners Martin (Rob Riggle) and Fosse (Damon Wayans Jr.) who can't help to mess with Gamble, such as making him do a "desk pop" and fire his gun in the office as if it's just some supposed initiation. Gamble stumbles onto some evidence after making what seems to be a pointless arrest for a financial investor named David Ershon (Steve Coogan). After the Captain (Michael Keaton) tells them to repeatedly back off, they still urge ahead as they have a gut hunch and suspect something fishy's going with other people's money. That is only after they get bribed to sports games and concerts but are too stupid to realize, not to mention are being chased by a ruthless security team headed by an Australian named Wesley (Ray Stevenson) who keeps rolling a bolder in their path.

As dorky as Gamble is you realize there's another side to him, such as for some reason attracting all the fine ladies without even having to try. Hoitz is a straight shooter that you find out has something in him but is afraid to let it out, such as secretly knowing ballet, but only because he wanted to imitate how "queer" it was when younger. They have to prove themselves and reverse the decisions that landed them to desk jockey duty instead of being out there with the big boys. But first they have to dodge a couple of reprimands from the Captain who needs to keep his guys in line so he can put his bi-sexual son who wants to be a DJ through college. Now it's all about two cops going out on a limb by sifting through the politics and doing what's right. Yep, it's about as cliche as that but the story--still with some relating points about bailouts and Ponzi schemes--isn't the entire emphasis but also the inventive puns, jokes and comedic observations to go along with it about things in general, pop culture and cop movie fare.

Similar to "Cop Out," this has everything a bad movie usually has, except the difference is "The Other Guys" used its purposeful set-backs to its advantage with consistent timing and the chemistry of a team to pull that off with. Otherwise, it's such an overused convention that rides a fine line that can fall on its face when not pulling off the trick without a hitch. Where would this be without some shoot outs and car chases like a good ol' cop and bad guys story even if they are even more exaggerated than what they're emulating. This is often direct, unashamed, raunchy and mean-spirited, but at the same time hilarious in that it takes it all the way to the hilt without feeling guilty about it. They say some of the most ridiculous lines but while maintaining a completely stern-faced serious look. This has an abundance of I-can't-believe-they-just-went-there snappy jokes with a well-timed comedic side on all fronts that makes this such a thoroughly and highly entertaining and fun experience that should be fresh for some time.

Director: Adam McKay (Anchorman, Talledega Nights, Eastbound & Down)
Starring: Will Ferrell, Mark Wahlberg, Michael Keaton, Damon Wayans Jr., Rob Riggle, Samuel L. Jackson, Dwayne Johnson, Eva Mendes
Website: IMDB

The Other Guys (2010)

Staring: Will Ferrell, Mark Wahlberg, Eva Mendes

Directed by Adam McKay

IMDb: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1386588/

Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Other_Guys

"The Other Guys" is a pretty funny movie. It reunites Will Ferrell with director Adam McKay, and Mark Wahlberg is also along for the ride to deliver some laughs. Granted, there are some problems with it, but overall it is a good flick.

It starts off with Samuel L. Jackson proving that he is one of the greatest people who ever lived. He is in high-speed pursuit of a bunch of bad guys along with Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson, who I guess would be also awesome if he had not just stared in "The Tooth Fairy". Anyway, Jackson's car gets stuck in a bus, he frees it and he goes flying at the bad guys, shouting a bunch of stuff I could not understand, blows up a bunch of stuff, and somehow survives. YEAH! Unfortunately, both of them are killed in a separate incident shortly afterward (the poster above is a bit deceiving; they have a total of about five minutes of screen time). This occurs when, in order to stop another bunch of bad guys, they jump off of a building that is about 10-20 stories high in order to land in a bunch of bushes that were not there, and even if they were, they would not have prevented them from dying or at least critically injured them.

Ummm...okay.

Anyway, with both of them out of the picture, who will take their place as the big shot of the department? That's right, the Other Guys! We have Terry Hoitz (Mark Wahlberg), who plays a jerk cop who is haunted by a tragedy from his past: he shot Derek Jeter in the leg during the 2003 World Series, costing the Yankees the championship. This a bit ironic since in real life Wahlberg is from Boston, so I suspect a Red Sox conspiracy. Anyway, he gets stuck with Allen Gamble (Ferrell) who is basically Bob Saget's character Danny Tanner from "Full House". He is just incredibly bland and lame, though in this instance the character is actually funny (yes, we all loved “Full House” when we were 5, but it’s time to move on). The two of them come across a suspected financial cover-up involving a famous investor named David Ershon (Steve Coogan), which leads them on a wild goose chase that leads them to meet some interesting characters, and includes a number of gags such as Allen having some unfortunate things happen to his Prius, and both of them having their shoes stolen...twice. There are a number of good quotes involving peacocks and other things throughout the feature. Oh yeah, and Michael Keaton plays their boss who, among other things, keeps quoting TLC songs, though he insists that he is not... Well, its not "Batman", but at least Keaton is still working, right?

I guess he biggest problem that this film has is that it gets extremely distracted. True, when Ferrell and McKay did "Anchorman" and "Talladega Nights" each had random scenes that did not really progress the story but were still funny. In this movie, the same thing happens, but they take way too many detours, and it gets to the point where its 1 hour, 47 minute running time feels like 2 and a half hours. Do not get me wrong, the stuff they put in there was usually funny, but they could have condensed the material a little more so that it felt more it had a more cohesive story arch.

There is also this weird part during the closing credits that shows the differences in the income between American employees and their super-rich bosses, as well as making references to TARP and other aspects of the recent financial meltdown. Admittedly, some of the stuff they mention is kind of interesting, but they play off of a part of the plot which is ultimately insignificant; the information would feel better served if it were shown at the end of the upcoming "Wall Street" sequel. If Ferrell and McKay want to get political, they can save it for their "Funny or Die" website, not try to shove it into a film where it does not belong.

Despite its flaws, "The Other Guys" is a feature that made me laugh more often than not. While it is not as funny as "Anchorman" or "Talladega", it is the best movie Will Ferrell has done in years, which is good news for him given the sub-par quality of his recent work. Either way, it is worthwhile, and I recommend it.

P.S. If you stay until the end of the closing credits (and the populist rant), as Ferrell/McKay fans may expect, there is an extra scene with Ferrell and Wahlberg. It is nothing much, but you can check it out if you want.