The Disappointments and Worst Movies of 2017

Well, it's that time of year again - when we pass the Godlike judgment on the movies of last year, as if random bloggers' opinions somehow mean everything. But really, none of this truly means anything - it's just the opinions I had all year, and hopefully you'll glean some cathartic entertainment out of this list, if nothing else.

First up is disappointments. There were just a couple of movies this year that I wanted to be good but they didn't live up to what I'd hoped.

DISAPPOINTMENTS

Thor: Ragnarok

This wasn't bad, and when it focused on the lead characters bantering and riffing off one another, it was quite fun – director Taika Waititi is good at that sort of thing. But it also had a super generic villain and serious side of the plot. This shit was like someone thought we'd never heard of Hamlet or something. Sorry – I need more than that.

Blade Runner 2049

I really wanted to love this, as Denis Villenueve is my favorite modern director and I've only recently fully “gotten” the original Blade Runner. But this was a lot of gorgeous visuals in service to a boring story that didn't really expand upon anything the original did – 30 years and all we got was a slightly scrambled rehash of themes from that movie. A dull performance by Ryan Gosling doesn't help.

And now the worst of the year - holy shit, there are way more than usual. What a year. Let's not waste any time and just get into this right now!

MY WORST MOVIES OF 2017

9. A Cure for Wellness

A truly ridiculous movie that, in spite of its exciting scenes, is entertaining mostly for how dumb it is and how unbelievable every choice the characters make. It goes on too long and just gets worse as it does so. You'll be tearing out your hair at why the main characters don't just leave this insane asylum – because, of course, there wouldn't be a movie otherwise. The ending twist was probably the worst, but the whole thing is a ghoulish slice of over-done cheese.

8. Mother!

I felt odd about putting this very artsy film from director Darren Aronofsky on a list with some of the rest of this – unlike some of these, this had a clear ambition and was trying to accomplish things. But for me this just didn't work. It treated its characters as chess pieces in service to an allegory, and there just wasn't any real humanity in this, no true complexity. After its two hour runtime was done I felt like I had just been preached to rather than entertained.

7. The Bye Bye Man

A basically objectively awful horror film, hitting every box of cliché and bad writing you'd expect. Like a mutant spawn of every piece of trash I ever reviewed. So bad it's almost funny but is then just bad again.

6. Split

People praised this M. Night Shyamalan vehicle for not being as bad as some other Shyamalan travesties in recent years, but rest assured I am here to tell you he's still a complete fucking hack.

5. Free Fire

Like last year's Hardcore Henry, this was a completely vapid and soul-sucking movie that asked the question 'what if we removed all plot from an action movie and just gave you the shooting scenes?' The answer is that you get an unwatchable movie.

4. Downsizing

I reviewed this a few weeks ago, so go check that out – but this was an infuriatingly pretentious, directionless mess, and director Alexander Payne seems to have completely stepped out of his comfort zone... too far, even. To the point where he's risking being eaten by wolves out there. He should come back to his comfort zone.

3. Pirates of the Caribbean 5: Dead Men Tell No Tales

This was a completely soulless Product™ of a movie, and every choice just seemed to be made to pander to the dumbest levels of the audience. There was nothing about this that was funny or exciting in any way. Johnny Depp is superbly annoying.

2. Justice League

Another movie that exists purely as soulless corporate Product™. Basically Zack Snyder playing with action figures again. An enervated, generic plot and bad characters make this a true slog to get through, and even the action gets boring. Pretty much every single thing about this was mediocre and all of them combined make the movie horrible.

1. Alien Covenant

This just sucks hard. A superbly dumb plot that manages to both rip off the original and be stupid in its own way, which is pretty amazing... this is the worst movie of the year simply because it had nothing redeeming about it, and every single choice made contributed to its horrendous, hacky quality. This is just the pits and I hate it. So it is the worst of this year for me.

Well, that's the 'worst' out of the way - and now we can move on to the best movies of the year, as it's usually better to end on a good note, after all...

Images copyright of their original owners; I own none of them.

Comic Con Trailer Reviews

Man, I've been absent for a few weeks. What can I say? I got busy with other shit.

First, a word of praise for Comic Con and MegaCon and other such things... it's amazing how large and viable geek culture has truly become. This is not going away like we thought. The things we grew up with, all the comics and movies and games, are an integral, powerful force for the culture we've crafted as adults. It's part escapism, sure, like anything – but it's also just the way we've let these characters and stories define us. Fiction can resonate long and wide in the human mind. And none more than that which we grew up with, that which we saw in the formative years.

So it's pretty fucking cool.

Here's some thoughts on the various Comic Con trailers, but not all of them, just the ones I cared about. I didn't bother watching the Kingsman 2 or the Thor Ragnarok ones because I've already seen other trailers for those films, and I also don't care about Star Trek or some of the various TV shows displayed. But there was some interesting stuff I saw...

JUSTICE LEAGUE

Who says there's no money in using millions of Hollywood dollars to recreate playing with your action figures as a kid? I guess this could maybe not totally suck. Hopefully? I dunno. If you had told me that “maybe it won't suck” was the highest aspiration I'd have for a fucking Justice League movie 10 years ago, I would have been extremely depressed. This still mostly just looks like a mish mash of too many random new characters to be good. If DC would quit trying to outpace and outmatch Marvel, maybe they'd make better films. It doesn't help that every line spouted in this sounds like an Ad Lib for action movie trailers. You could play this for a blindfolded person and they wouldn't know what movie it's for.

STRANGER THINGS: SEASON 2

Holy shit – now this looks good! I was unsure where they'd go after the first season. Apparently where they were going was even more awesome shit. I am loving the Halloween ambiance and the weird, Lovecraftian monsters and imagery. These characters and this story are some of the best original stuff on TV right now. If you were concerned about how good this Halloween season would be, well... be concerned no more.

THE WALKING DEAD SEASON 8

I love The Walking Dead like I love a child that sometimes screws up really badly and has to spend the night in the slammer for a DUI or public disturbance. This trailer for Season 8 looks pretty good, although it appears to be every inspirational Rick Grimes speech ever rolled into three minutes. And yeah, they have a weird shot at the end of Rick with a huge beard waking up in a hospital bed, like it was all a dream... yeah, I'm sure this long-running popular TV show is about to end this season with it all being a dream... sure.

READY PLAYER ONE

If our collective 80s nostalgia became some insane chimera, cobbled together with the forces of alchemy, it would probably look like this Ready Player One trailer. I haven't read the book, though I think I should, as this looks like a lot of fun. If anything, it will be very difficult to make anything else that is MORE nostalgic for old movies and games after this.

THE DEFENDERS

This looked pretty cool – basically exactly what I expected, full of highly well-produced action and lots of witty quips, but at least all of that looks very well done here. At least three of the Defenders, I'm really excited to see again. (Hint: the one I am not that excited about rhymes with Shmiron Shmist.)

And finally... the one everyone was waiting for...

AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR

What? How am I seeing this one, which was only a secret trailer not released to the general non-attending public? Surely nobody would ever break that cardinal rule and upload it to the internet...

It looks pretty fun. I don't know though. I am worried about the over-saturation of characters in these movies. As well made as it's likely to be, I'm just not sure it's good storytelling to cram so much shit into one movie. I guess if they can do it in a comic book, you can do it in a movie, too. But maybe sometimes less really is more. But that said, I am sure I'll end up seeing this and enjoying it for the batshit insane, colorful, jam packed spectacle it is along with everyone else; who am I kidding?