Cinema Freaks LIVE: Insidious Chapter 3 (2015)

In this week's podcast, Michelle and I looked at Insidious Chapter 3, which is actually a prequel to the other two movies. So why is it billed as a sequel? I don't fucking know. In the podcast, we talk about a lot of things I don't mention in this review, so check that out right now, you guys.

Also, SPOILERS abound!



The film is just bad all around. I didn't really expect much, but like a horrific car wreck, it was hard to turn away from this after the unmitigated disaster of the second film. I guess I really just don't get these kinds of movies. Who are they trying to appeal to? There's zero good scares, no plot, no character – just an endless run of loud noises to make you jump. Oh man are there a fuckload of jump scares in this.

If you thought the height of artistry in horror was a haunted house you visited down the block on Halloween though, this movie could be for you.

There are so many that I'm amazed they didn't get slapped with a fine for harassment. I mean, if you banged on your neighbor's door as much as there are loud noises in this movie, you'd be lucky if you didn't get shot.

Plot and character are super flimsy. Excuse me if I'm not invested in the plight of the clearly rich girl with the fancy apartment, good friends, supportive family, etc. Yeah, her mother died, which sucks for her, but the movie is trying to play it off like her newly-single dad is struggling and having this super hard time keeping things together. Which, again, I'm sure would suck in real life – but how does this movie portray it? They just put a few messy dishes in the otherwise picture-perfect, super-nice apartment they live in. Otherwise, the place looks like it could be in an Urban Outfitters catalogue – but a few dirty dishes, fuck me.

Can you feel the struggle and sadness?

It's just a shitty, phoned in way to try and depict grief. Better movies like The Babadook or The Shining have portrayed real people struggling with demons through metaphor and storytelling. This one doesn't do that – it doesn't even try. Instead it just drops all of that and goes into what you expect from these sorts of movies, which is mostly just endless jump scares from people with white face make up while the soundtrack goes quiet.

Jesus fucking christ there are a lot of jump scares in this movie. I know I'm repeating myself a lot there, but, hey, I've still said it less than the actual amount of jump scares in the movie.

Oh, but there are a few other things in the movie - like the most accident prone main character ever. She gets hit by a car while standing in the middle of the street early on, because she was distracted by a ghost. Then for the rest of the movie, apparently nothing can stop her from getting pushed out of her wheelchair or bed, hurting herself more and all around just failing at being safe. I think it's time to get her a bubble, you guys.

"Dad, how hard is it to keep me from falling out a window?!?"

There's also the scene where the main chick, who has two broken legs, gets possessed and attacks them, somehow coming out on top. I wouldn't want to be the guy who got the shit kicked out of him by her - what would his story be? "Hey, bro, how did you get hurt?" "Uh...a girl with two broken legs kicked me..."

All people with broken legs become MMA fighters. That's how life works. Try it at home, kids with broken legs!

Michelle said it was better than the second one. That's probably true, as being worse than the second one would have been a feat to be marveled. But there's this really irritatingly simplistic attitude this movie seems to have between the lines. Its world-view is depressingly black and white – one of the actual lines said in the movie is “there are two worlds beyond our own, one light and one dark.” Aside from being an incredibly cringe-worthy piece of writing, it's also a terrible way to look at the world, being more akin to a cartoon action movie than anything scary or interesting.

They literally just say there's good and evil, black and white, right up front. If you don't mind me getting philosophical, maybe the world would be a better place if our entertainment didn't push the idea on us that there's such thing as good and evil, black and white, only two binary answers to every question with zero ambiguity or grey area in the middle. How is that productive at all?

I don't even think you can use the excuse that it's just dumb fun, because this is about as fun as having the flu. It's poisonous and vapid "entertainment" that I hope people start to see for the crap that it is. With cliche and rote writing that's always predictable, no good atmospheres, no good scares, it sucks. If our watching this movie and reviewing it can persuade one person not to see it, then we did a good thing.

And again, holy shit, how many jump scares do you NEED in a horror movie? Someone stop this madness!

Images copyright of their original owners, we own none of them.

The Conjuring (2013)

I know some people like this movie for some reason, so allow me to express my opinion of it in the most balanced, well-reasoned and fair way possible.

It fucking sucks ass! Why would anyone like this cancer-boil on the face of horror? It’s the same thing as every other unoriginal Exorcist-wannabe horror movie released since fucking Emily Rose and there is nothing – I repeat, N-O-T-H-I-N-G – original about it at all! Not to mention it’s boring as hell and incredibly poorly written – like, first-year-college drama students wouldn’t even pen something this dross. I don’t even think there’s a scary moment to be found. Fuck it!

Ahem. Okay. Now that’s out of my system and we can move on with the review.

Director: James Wan

Starring: Vera Farmiga, Patrick Wilson, Lili Taylor

IMDb

The Conjuring is the latest in a series of modernized horror movies made by James Wan. Wan got really famous back in the day for directing Saw, but then he went on to completely destroy that potential by directing Dead Silence. He made a good move by going with the mega-hit Insidious a few years later, but after that he seems to have decided “fuck it,” and just went back to doing complete shit like Insidious 2 and this movie. The Conjuring is a film that seems to forget there’s anything else you can possibly do with a movie besides rip off Poltergeist and The Exorcist. That’s really about it. Let’s take a look.

We kick off with a bunch of kids talking to the dad from Insidious and the mom from Orphan – a totally credible pair of characters, if you remember anything about their original movies. I’d trust them to exorcise my house about as much as I’d trust Dr. Kevorkian to treat cancer patients who have billion-dollar trust funds somewhere.

He kills old ladies and she slaps little girls in hospitals, I sure trust them any day to deal with my supernatural problems. Added bonus for the fact that Insidious Dad had ghosts following him around most of his life and ended up putting his whole family in danger more than once. Sounds trustworthy to me!

Apparently these two are paranormal researchers. The kids talking to them feed them some dumb story about how they let an evil ghost haunt their doll. Then when it started being, well, evil, they threw it out, but it kept on coming back. This whole thing is really just a Goosebumps story. Night of the Living Dummy? And this is supposed to be a serious modern horror movie. Get the fuck out.

WHAT? I can't believe bad stuff happened when we let an evil spirit live in our creepy ass doll! Yes, that's really the plot here. No, I haven't figured out a way to kill the writers yet.

We then switch over to bland 70s family with bland 70s wannabe lighting and color on the screen. They’re moving into a new house. This house has all the perks – places to play hide and seek in AND scary doors that open and close with ominous sound effects laid overtop! We get a long string of just dull as hell scenes – just this family going through every dull attempt at a scare this movie tries to pass off. Their oldest daughter is incredibly bitchy and annoying, and one of the younger daughters sleepwalks.

Witchcraft! Well, maybe if it was the 1770s, but I know it’s not that time period. This movie is too busy trying to shoehorn in blatant references to the 1970s. It’s about as subtle as the Brian De Palma Black Dahlia’s attempt to recreate the ‘40s. Sepia tones and stupid haircuts don’t make your movie any better.

Oh, and the dog dies:

Oh man, our dog just died! Let's never investigate why this happened and never mention it in the movie again. We are so awesome.

Fuck you. Also it’s never mentioned again, and they never investigate it. Glad to see they cared so much about their pet.

If that doesn’t make them care about creepy happenings at the house, how about their daughter having a nightmare and then waking up talking about someone wanting the family dead?

No, I guess that’s not enough to care or move out of the house at all. What’s the reason given for this again? Oh yeah, because they have money invested in the house. That trumps the safety of your family.

You know what does finally get them to do something about it though? One night they’re all sleeping and the sleepwalking daughter comes in, waking up bitchy daughter. Then they see a Grudge ghost and the bitchy daughter starts fighting with herself.

The daughter needs to quit watching bad Japanese movies before bed - they're not doing her imagination much good.

That apparently is enough. They hire Insidious Dad and Orphan Mom onto their case and they get right on it. What follows is about an hour of some of the most boring crap you’ll see in a horror movie these days. It has everything. You got the endless, boring scenes of people talking about whatever ancient histories and pasts the movie somehow thought was interesting – it’s not. It’s really not.

What kind of brain-mash thought this up? It’s practically just an afterthought – toss in some Satanic warbling about ghosts and killing babies, and you got yourself a poorly written horror backstory. Who even gives a shit? Just be honest about it. “We don’t really care at all about establishing a coherent, meaningful or scary story. We just wanted to make a cash grab in time for the end of the summer season. Just send us your money now, you corporate whore rider!”

"Why yes, this scene has been done in every other horror movie in the last decade. But we're still doing it. Because we just don't give a crap."

Play that over these scenes – it’ll be less deceptive. It’s not like there’s anything going on. Some crap about Satanic sacrifice and possession. Bitch, please. If you sacrificed anyone involved in this movie to Satan, he’d just send them right back to Earth with a little pink sticky note saying “Please try again” on it. But I digress – the movie sucks. That’s all I was trying to say.

We also get cliché jump scare scenes, of which there are too many to name. Ooh, are they going to have a quiet scene and then get real loud for the jump scare? Fucking don’t keep me waiting too long – the suspense is killing me. Yes, movie, bouncy balls truly are the way to keeping an audience on the edge of its seat:

40 minutes in and the scariest thing in the fuckin movie is a bouncy ball. Man, this is such a giant piece of shit.

"A bouncy ball killed my father..."

AAAAAGGGGHHHH THAT’S MY ONE GREATEST FEAR!

Don’t tell anyone. I can trust you, right?

But hey, it’s not like we’ve hit every cliché. There’s still one we’re missing! At least they haven’t done anything involving an exorcism yet – oh, wait. It’s the next scene where they mention that. And here I was having some form of hope for humanity left in my soul.

We’ll get to the exorcism soon enough. Before that wonderful scene, we have other things to contend with, like dying birds:

Those are never really talked about either. This movie just seems to hate animals.

We also get some despicably poor dialogue from almost every character. Like when they’re all having a sunny breakfast together the following morning – always good after a fresh round of bird suicides – and the mother says “The house hasn’t been like this in a long time!” Yeah, especially considering you moved in and the creepy shit started the next morning when the dog died. Oh, wait, I forgot nobody in the movie gave a shit about that – my bad.

How about when Insidious Dad gets handed some pancakes from the little girl who was also in Orphan? He’s like “They really are a nice family.” Yes, nice families truly are judged by the number of times little girls hand you pancakes. You goddamned weirdo.

There’s also a scene later where Mr. 70s Bowl Cut Dad finds Insidious Dad working on an old car. 70s Bowl Cut Dad says Insidious Dad “really looks like he knows what he’s doing,” even though all Insidious Dad is doing is sticking his hands inside the open hood of a car. How does that equal “knowing what he’s doing,” you fucking idiot? He could be wiring a car bomb to your engine! Granted, that’s implausible – though it would make this movie so much more entertaining.

Ugh, point is, the dialogue sucks. I guess that’s to be expected when most of the movie consists of dog-shit exposition spouted out like a broken leaky faucet in that scummy bathroom on the subway.

After that we get a scene where the demon tries to snatch the bitchy daughter. I’m not really sure what he’s trying to accomplish – he kinda just drags her around the room. Maybe that’s how he “gets to know” new girls. Or maybe he’s just really bad at “Tag.” Either way, you want to know what they do to free the daughter? Well, no, you don’t care. But I’ll tell you – they just cut off the part of her hair that the demon is holding onto. That somehow stops the demon from doing anything else.

Awesome, she can fly!

What the hell? What kinda pansy-assed pussy demon is this? Is cutting off that one part of her hair really enough? What a wuss. He probably slinked back into the shadows with his tail between his legs. Captain Howdy is laughing at you, you moron.

Elsewhere in the film’s rolls of fat we get references to other movies, like the aforementioned Captain Howdy – referenced here in a music box one of the little girls is holding. It’s poorly thought out and means almost nothing.

Well, “almost” is actually giving the film too much credit. We also get references to the previous movies these actors have been in, like several nods to Insidious in the house and the layout of the rooms. I’m pretty sure the scene where the Orphan mom is looking around the house is almost identical to the beginning of Insidious. Later on we get people looking around a bedroom with UV lights, similar to a certain scene in Orphan.

The first and third pics are from this movie, the second and fourth are from Insidious and Orphan respectively. Can you tell the difference? I wouldn't be able to if I hadn't been the one who took these screenshots. I really think this just points out the deficiency in how samey all of these modern horror movies look, both in the lighting/cinematography and the set pieces. We need some more original shit in the mix.

Originality, what’s that?!

The crowning failure of this whole mess is the climax, in which we get all the same old exorcism clichés you’ve seen before. I’ve gone on rants about this before, but honestly, fuckin’ honestly, what is the appeal? I understand not hating this kind of scene – maybe if these kinds of scenes really scare you for whatever reason. Maybe if you are actually the son of Satan yourself, hissing at the cross, that would scare you. Otherwise I just don’t see it.

Worst frat party hazing ever.

The scene is overly long and cluttered, with maybe a couple nice shots I guess – but mostly it’s pretty weak. There’s some crap shoved in about how the possessed wife has to remember this one really nice day at the beach with her family – this day she apparently said she would never forget.

And nobody is wearing a swimsuit for some reason.

It’s just so forced and contrived – those are the only words. What do we know about this character? She likes the beach. What does that tell us about her personality? She … likes the beach. What relevance does that have to the overall meaning of the story or of her character arc? She likes the fucking beach! God! Can’t you deliver one thing of substance?

Eh, I guess not. Just have a bland happy ending scene of the family hugging out in the sunlight. Because horror movies always have happy endings.

Wait, no they don’t. That’s pretty much the cincher on why this sucks: name one good horror movie with a totally happy ending like this one. I mean it really fucking is – it’s wrapped up nice and neat in a pink bow with a complimentary box of Peeps along with it and a note from the Easter Bunny. There’s no darkness here! Where’s the foreboding and the fear? Name one horror movie that’s any good, that ends in a happy-go-lucky manner like this one does.

Maybe the reasoning for this was the “Based on a True Story” tagline. But really, if the defense is “oh, they’re keeping it true to the original family” – well, no, that is not an excuse at all. You clearly showed no regard for any semblance of reality when you included the exorcism scenes with the screamy bloody ghosts and rolled-backwards eyes. I don’t care how people remembered it in real life – the way it’s presented here is just like any other craptastic exorcism horror film. Not real life.

Frankly, I think this got it closer to real life:

Images copyright of their original owners, I own none of them.

Insidious Chapter 2 (2013)

The first Insidious was a pretty decent horror film, but it was made more entertaining than it had any right to be because of the production value, the special effects and the general zeal and energy it had when it pulled off even the most generic jump scares. It blended some classic horror style imagery and tropes into the modern style, and overall was a cut above the usual modern horror crap we get most of the time. So how much do you want to bet the sequel is pointless, lame and has no reason to exist?

Director: James Wan

Starring: Patrick Wilson, Rose Byrne

IMDb

There was no reason to make a sequel to Insidious. It was actually a solid horror film on its own and didn’t need any kind of explanation or elaboration of the story. But, hey, that’s the modern filmmaker’s bible: the audience is stupid. The audience doesn’t understand subtlety and can’t read between the lines. And most importantly, the audience needs every little detail of the story explained to them like a Kindergarten teacher reading Clifford the Big Red Dog – there’s no room for mystery, intrigue and all the other things that make up actual horror! WE NEED EXPLANATIONS!

Basically the directors of movies like Insidious Chapter 2 think the audiences are all like this:

So with that said, anyone else ready to take a plunge knee-deep into some of the lamest modern horror you’ll come across? Yeah me neither. But hey, fuck it, you know?

We start off with a flashback of main character Josh as a kid, showing how he got possessed by spirits when he was a kid and that lady Elise came to help him the first time. They do some kind of weird overly complicated set-up where he shows her where the evil spirits are by communicating via walkie-talkie as she walks around the house. He seems to get the most distressed when she approaches the closet in his bedroom. Probably because he has a porn stash in there.

"Oh my, look at these copies of Bestiality Monthly I found under here! I've been looking for these for ages!"

So I guess it plays out exactly like we heard at the end of the first film – they beat the demons and save Josh, who goes on to live a perfectly boring life until the events of the first movie. Snore. Why did we need this scene? Because without showing every painstaking detail, nobody would understand the movie’s clear genius.

Anyway, back in the modern day, we see the aftermath of the first movie: Elise is dead and the police don’t investigate very seriously at all the fact that she died in these peoples’ house and nobody knows who killed her. I mean, I guess we get one scene where the wife Renai is being questioned by Sergeant Doakes from Dexter for a second:

But other than that, what the hell? How is their house not swarmed with cops? How are they all not immediately locked up in interrogation rooms questioned for hours by the toughest cops the bureau has? I guess old ladies’ lives rank low on the police’s list of priorities. Anyway, we get some boring scenes where Renai questions Josh about what happened, but because this shitty ass movie needs an excuse to keep existing, these scenes are downplayed. God knows, the movie world would just be at a loss if we didn’t have the ensuing hour of dead-eyed supernatural boredom to wade through.

I mean, think of the possibilities otherwise – character development? An interesting moment? Something that actually furthers the story rather than just chucking more exposition at us? THE HORROR!

There’s also these two asswipes; the comedic duo from the first film who served as a sort of foil to the seriousness of the rest of it – they’re some kind of paranormal investigators or something. Give them credit for not being like the investigators in every other movie, but they’re just as bad in a different way. Here they find a videotape in Elise’s old house and put it into the machine. Oh, good, will we get a shitty horror-comedy anthology with aludicrous “wrap around” segment now?

No? Oh well. I must’ve gotten the wrong terrible sequel in 2013.

I guess what we do get is the revelation that Elise once had this other guy she worked with named Carl, or some shit like that – a flimsy plot device used to bring someone with some kind of credibility into the story, because otherwise no-one would know anything. So this guy is some kind of psychic or something, and he knows almost as much about the whole “Further” concept as Elise did. I guess he rolls some dice and that lets him talk to Elise from beyond the grave almost immediately:

This guy must be really good at Scrabble.

What is this, Dungeons and Dragons? Get a life. I’d find it hilarious if the dice accidentally spelled out something randomly while Elise was still thinking of a response. Like if they were asking “how do we beat these evil spirits?” And then the dice just came up with “Cat” completely at random. Would this become Public Enemy #1?

Man, I don’t even know. Most of the first hour of this is so boring, I have to make up completely ridiculous scenarios to even sit through it. What am I supposed to grasp onto otherwise; scenes of Renai hearing creepy noises at night and jumping? One of those times it’s at a glow-in-the-dark baby stroller:

The epitome of terror.

I can just feel my eyelids growing heavier and my brain getting number. Jesus, this is fucking boring. What happened to the manic energy of the first one? That movie was on fire half the time. In even its most generic moments, it felt big and immediate, not letting the viewer fall asleep or get bored. This one is on Valium. It’s just no comparison.

So what, there’s some scenes where they meander around in this old-ass hospital looking for clues? It doesn’t really matter how they get there; the reasoning is so convoluted you’ll go crazy trying to decipher it … something about how this old man grabbed Josh’s arm as a kid and then died the next day.

His mother saw him in the elevator anyway though, even after he died, and then re-enacted the old cliché “I just saw him in the elevator!” “But he died last night!” thing. Usually it’s a good cliché. Here it’s not … after his mom finds out the guy was dead, she just walks away without questioning anything at all, and nobody stops her. I guess they were just used to her spouting random insanities.

Somehow this leads them to the old mental hospital, where they find an old newspaper clipping about five minutes into their search about the “Black Bride,” a serial killer from years and years ago. Within like, a few scenes, they figure out the truth: the Black Bride was actually some weirdo whose mom made him dress up like a girl, and then forced him to kill people for her. Why? Shits and giggles.

Hell, make these guys heads of the detective department! I’m sure we would all benefit from their mental wizardry. Truly they are the master sleuths of the modern age; figuring out decades-old murder cases without even trying. It’s almost like the movie was completely phoned-in in every aspect imaginable, as this clearly is so far removed from reality that you could just label it a fan-fiction, actually.

Most of these flashback scenes are so badly acted, I can’t even tell you. It’s like watching one of those satirical horror movies where everyone overreacts on purpose, but this is supposed to be 100% played straight. There’s a truly horrible scene sometime later where we see a flashback of the killer as a kid while his mom shouts at him cartoonishly for drawing a picture in school with his real name on it, instead of the “girl” name she gave him.

This scene brought to you from the bowels of Tim Burton's subconscious.

This is, no joke, one of the worst things I’ve seen on film at all in recent years – up there with the Kick-Ass 2 “vomit and diarrhea device” scene. How a well-known director like James Wan put this shit on screen is beyond me. I mean I knew he wasn’t great, but c’mon, I expected something that wasn’t … this!

Ugh, Jesus, so I guess everyone starts to guess that Josh isn’t really Josh, but some kind of spirit possessing his body after the end of the first movie. Carl goes in to try and do something I guess, though really since they already know, it seems like there’d be some kind of better plan … I guess not. He gets stabbed with a knife after an overly long “taunting” scene, and then ends up in purgatory with the real Josh, who fortunately has a lantern to help guide him through his aimless “doing nothing” adventures.

"You mean I can actually do things to further a plot?"

Yeah – that’s right. He’s spent the whole time since the end of the first movie just aimlessly wandering around “trying to get out.” He says some bullshit about how he’s been weaker and weaker ever since, but he seems fine to me, so I dunno. I guess he’s just a complete pussy.

So if you were wondering how much further down the bunker-hole of cliché this movie could possibly burrow, we actually get the inevitable return of Elise in ghost forum. I shit you not, she actually says the following line:

"I've seen that better place, but I came back here because I heard you calling, and I think I can help."

Really. You’ve seen the other side, and you still chose to come back and help these two morons. You could have been sipping wine up there on golden thrones with singing cherubs all around you, and you came back. You could have been fine dining with dead celebrities and artists, and you’re here schmaltzing it up in the name of the whoredom that is modern horror cinema. You goddamned sap. Are you even serious … did you read the script? YOU COULD HAVE BEEN LIVING IT UP WITH THE CREATOR OF MANKIND. 72 VIRGINS. ETERNAL PARADISE. WHATEVER YOU WANT. And you’re doing this.

Jesus. So I guess she tells them to go toward the light – hey, why be original now? I guess we get some boring scenes where they go back in time and try to warn their past selves of the demons, or some shit like that. It comes off like a weak-assed version of the Christmas Carol story. Did we really need Scrooge done up by the Casper ghosts? Because that’s about where you’re at. I mean, Doctor Who's latter-day Christmas specials are more plausible.

Back in the real world, possessed Josh decides to take a different path to parenting than his children have perhaps been used to. I like to call it ‘traumatizing 101.’ He strangles her and what not, and I guess anything’s better at this point than the flashback scenes. Sad my standards’ve gotten so low.

We'll start a journalistic expose: From the Spiritual Other Dimension to the therapy chair.

But then they’re saved by the comedy relief:

Brilliant … just brilliant. We get some stupid scenes that I think James Wan confused with his next foray into mainstream pandering, The 40 Year Old Virgin 2: The 40 Year Old Haunting, Because It’s Been Done for 40 Years Now. What I’m trying to say with that is, having a scene where the goofy comic relief idiot busts through the door attempting to look badass right after the climax is over … is a poor way to try and elicit laughs.

*straightens bow-tie*

This movie sucks. There’s nothing about it that’s in any way interesting, except how humorously awful it can be. While it isn’t the worst out there, the writing is a complete mess of cliché and the story is just pointless. So what, the whole first movie happened because some serial killer’s mom made him wear a dress as a kid? Get fucked, movie. I mean, isn’t it just obvious? Isn’t THAT just so apparent to you while watching the first one? With all its subtle hints? Oh wait, there were no hints because you made all of this up on the spot to get more money. Insidious 2 is just a giant piece of shit.

And what’s this? Another scene after the movie ends where the two comic relief jackasses go to some house and ask about a girl? The girl’s father gets defensive, but the younger daughter asks who the woman is behind them – and lo and behold it’s Ghost Elise, because she has no other purpose in life but to be a supernatural slave to these two bungholes because they can’t tie their own shoes. She goes upstairs, sees something scary that the audience can’t see aaaaaand that’s the end. What did she see? My guess is, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.

Frankly, I can sum up this movie's attitude towards death with one video clip:

Thank you, Matt and Trey. Insidious 2 is nothing but a commercial cash in and you are part of the fuckin’ problem if you liked this one. I hope anyone who saw this in theaters took it upon themselves to go out, after the film was released to DVD, to their local Targets or Walmarts, took the DVDs and burned them right there in the fucking aisles. Because really, the DVD cover isn’t representative of what this soulless film actually contains. Let me show you what it really is:

That’s more like it.

Images copyright of their original owners. I do not own any of them.

The Best and Worst Films of 2011

Well, 2011 is over and all I can think to do is make a blog post about the best movies of the year…shut up, I do have a life!

Keep in mind that these are just my personal opinions, the films I enjoyed the most – not necessarily the most technically adept or profound, but the ones that touched me the most, and which I found to be the most entertaining.

Best

1. Super 8

This was just the most enjoyable film of the year – it might not have been the most artful, the most thought provoking or anything, but it was the most enjoyable, and if there’s one thing I love it’s a film that I can just watch and dig the hell out of everything it’s doing. Super 8 is just a killer homage to the Spielberg canon of old, with wonderful characters, a lot of energy and great visual hooks. It’s just a great all around story, and for me, that makes it the best of the year.

2. Hugo

What a wonderfully detailed film. This is so good it’s scary – it puts other kids’ films to shame with its attention to shading and lights and just all around details, in the story as well as in the scenery and CGI. This is masterful cinema and proves that Scorsese is the man. A lovely, sentimental story that speaks out to anyone who’s ever loved art, with layered characters, nuanced, believable performances and a stunning outcome overall. To childrens’ films, this is the equivalent of fine dining. Kids need to see this, but so does everyone else too.

3. The Adjustment Bureau

I love this movie because it is uplifting, life affirming and glorious – it takes a simple premise of ‘boy meets girl’ and does it up with a huge, epic backdrop and some awesome sci-fi leanings that make for one of the best, most original stories of the year. The film is visually stunning as well as wonderfully acted. Matt Damon continues to get more and more awesome, as he delivers a great performance in this one. This is a very complex film that tackles issues of human fate versus free will as well as the idea of a God, all handled subtly and without taking any one side in particular. It will make you think, that’s for sure. The Adjustment Bureau might have a cheesy ending, but the way it reaches that ending is so good that you won’t care.

4. The Descendants

In the wake of a family tragedy, Matt King (George Clooney) and his two daughters are thrust into a web that will make you laugh, cry and ponder all at different times, and it is that variety that gives The Descendants a place on this list. This movie is just excellently done, and I’m surprised at how much fun I had watching this despite its grave subject matter. But I think that was the point – this is a film about family, and its honest approach yields a cornucopia of emotions and interactions just like real life. The snappy writing and clever dialogue, though, elevates it above a simple ‘slice of life’ movie and turn it into a statement – we are all people and we deal with tragedy differently, and we can’t judge others solely based on one side of his or her personality. It’s a movie about loving your family and accepting those around you for who they are. Great acting and cinematography are only icing on the cake.

5. Kill the Irishman

Bad ass, man. This is a hard-hitting mob story based on true life events of Danny Greene, a sort of jack of all trades who nonetheless fell into a bloody, explosive other life with the mob despite his efforts to do good. This is a quick-paced, jam-packed film with something happening every second, and if you like any of the old Scorsese movies or the Godfather series or anything, this should be up your alley too. I don't know how accurate it is to the true events, but what it is is a great, gripping epic that keeps you interested all the way to the end. Ray Stevenson is fucking awesome in this as Greene, and he booms out commanding dialogue like he was damn well born to do it. Great performance, maybe my favorite of the year. Christopher Walken is cool, and the rest of the cast, made up of big names like Vincent D'Onofrio, Tony Darrow and more, is just icing on the cake. This is an awesome movie and you need to see it, end of story.

6. The Ides of March

Politics are a hungry game, a cut-throat sport in which one loses his soul, so to speak, and that is illustrated brilliantly in The Ides of March. Ryan Gosling, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Paul Giamatti and others are just the icing on the cake of this quite cold, brutal and calculating story that shows how politics work in a clear but not at all flattering light. This is a dramatic film that escapes the trap of being too sappy or too melodramatic – it’s a serious film for people who are serious about movies. Respectable, iconoclastic and well written.

7. The Debt

A tale that transcends a thirty-year period, The Debt is great because it keeps the thrills coming at a steady pace. I could never predict where this movie was going, and I found its dark, mature textures and unwinding tension to be arresting. This is a pretty gritty, hard-assed movie, and it takes no prisoners in telling its sometimes hard-to-tell story the best way it knows how – with conviction and weight. This is, again, a serious movie for serious people, and if you like historical films or dramas, The Debt will be up your alley.

8. Source Code

In the same mode as Adjustment Bureau, this is a kick ass sci fi story done up with romantic touches and epic storytelling to make for a real thrill ride, and pulled together with sweep and grace to make sure you’re hooked every minute. I loved this movie for its sleek, action packed nature and its abundance of heart and honesty. Just a hugely entertaining, well-written romp, and one that anyone can enjoy.

9. Insidious

A lot of people disliked this one, but then, a lot of people are idiots – Insidious is awesome, and while it lacks the subtlety or originality of the greatest horror movies, it makes up for that with Nightmare on Elm Street-styled flashiness and bombast, and really works due to its energy and bounce. This is an energetic film that doesn’t try too hard to be serious or pose itself as anything it’s not, and I like that about it. Add to that the fact that it’s tons of fun and packs some excellent, creative scares and homages to horror’s distant past, and you have a winner of a movie. Just a great flick.

10. Captain America

Easily the best Marvel superhero movie ever. This is just an overflowingly awesome, passionate flick that rocks out with some great dialogue, good character development, snappy action and a well-told story. It’s a meat-and-potatoes movie, one that ticks off all the boxes and does them well, and for that I will watch this any time I see it on.

But with every year also comes some pretty horrible crap, too. I didn’t pay money to see a lot of really bad movies in theaters this year, but there were a few that slipped through the cracks…

Worst/Disappointments

Priest

This ass-fest is one of the most creatively bereft films I’ve ever seen. It is amazing how many clichés there were in this, and how much tension they managed to suck out of the whole. An awfully soulless, toothless, ball less film that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemies.

Season of the Witch

Season of the Witch is not a movie, it is a convention of Monty Python wannabes trading stale dialog in stilted accents on sets that look like they were made from stuff you can get at the Dollar Store. The plot is a ludicrously, woefully under-developed and half-assed debacle that you have to see to belief. So stupid it’s almost smart again. Key word – almost.

Pirates IV

A series that has long, long since worn out its welcome. Please never make another one of these movies.

30 Minutes or Less

Despicable garbage that tries for funny and comes off offensive to any kind of good taste. I hate these characters, I hate the situations they get into and I hate the implication that we’re supposed to find any of it funny. This is cancer in cinematic form.

J. Edgar

Eastwood finally bites off more than he can chew with this bloated and dull biopic about J. Edgar Hoover. Lacking the power and grace necessary to carry such a long, spacious film, J. Edgar is mostly just tiresome.

So that's 2011, and I hope you all enjoyed reading this list. You may disagree with me on any number of these films, and there are plenty I haven't even seen that very well could have made it on here. I hope to see even more great movies in 2012.

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