REVIEW: Croc (2007)

Last year, I reviewed a movie called Blood Monkey. It was a terribly frustrating film that advertised itself as a killer ape horror flick, but was really just filled with dull padding and a lack of any kind of excitement. What I didn’t know at the time was that it was part of an asininely long series of made for TV crapfests put out by Sci Fi called the Maneaters series, all low-budget movies with terrible actors focusing on natural monsters and outdoorsy themes. Joy. A whole series of mind numbingly awful films about animals killing people. At least the one I’m reviewing today was directed SO WELL by the guy who gave us The Ice Pirates though!

…wait, that isn’t a positive at all. But then, as you’ll see, there isn’t much with Croc that is.

Director: Stewart Raffil

Starring: Crocodiles...

Website: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1127177/

The movie starts off in a swamp in Thailand where two guys are hunting for crocodiles or something in a boat. That comes to a close when the croc does his favorite karate move, the Nose Chop, and slices their boat in half.

Hiiiii-YAH!

Then it’s feeding time, and we see some of the WORST CGI since the Anaconda movies; oh joy!

Amazing. Is that from a really old 90s computer game? Because it would have been state of the art back then.

But then we move onto important scenes, like our main character Jack gawking awkwardly at a hot chick who comes into his crocodile farm. He’s so smitten with her that he instructs his nephew Theo to watch her all day…creepy, but I guess it could be worse. He could be courting a fat green frog-man-lady-thing like in The Ice Pirates.

Eugh, I've got to stop putting this in reviews.

So after some stupid stunts for the crowd involving basketball-playing elephants and calling down a member of the audience to be a goalie in an elephant-soccer game, Jack finds out that the chick he’s been tailing all day is some kind of animal health inspector. She points out all kinds of silly problems like how he’s feeding the birds tiny parasites in their food, or how the water and the meat is of extremely shifty quality. But he waves it all off because the safety of his animals is no big deal, as long as he can get a dinner date with the woman. She turns him down like any sane girl would do to such a terrible actor, though.

We see later that she’s talking to her bosses, who run a rival crocodile farm down the street. She says that she didn’t shut down Jack’s farm because the problems she found were all rather minor…wait, so feeding the animals parasites and having unsanitary water and food are minor problems? And even she didn’t ACT like they were very minor when she was there, so what the hell? When she gets back to her bosses it's like “Oh, they're basically mistreating these animals in every conceivable way…it’s no big deal!” Some animal welfare inspector you are, lady.

And it seems like the guys running the other farm don’t even know her name when she’s about to leave, despite the fact that they were acting like they clearly knew her in the beginning of the scene? I mean, they did hire her to look into Jack's farm; it's not like they'd forget her name that fast in real life...oh, screw it; nobody proofread this slop anyway.

Then the movie decides to delightfully treat us to scenes of what we all wanted to see in a killer croc movie, POLITICS. LOTS AND LOTS OF POLITICS. Yes, this is the movie for you if you wanted a bunch of scenes where the characters talk about debts and what’s going to happen if their farm closes down! In one scene, Theo spies on the rival croc farm owners and finds out they’re plotting against them, taking a few pictures for proof. They chase him down and he gets in the car with Jack who just happened to be driving by, only they get caught by the police and the gangsters at the same time. The gangsters break his camera memory card (how do they get away with this when the police are there? Are they corrupt? It’s never really explained), but it turns out he switched it with a spare one, so the whole scene was pretty much pointless.

In another scene we see Jack escape from a debt collector by having some smoke cover them while he runs away on the beach…I’m sorry, was there a crocodile anywhere in this? Did they really think all of this would be interesting to us? Why do I get the idea this director would be liable to make a werewolf movie and focus on the main character dealing with his insurance agency? Or maybe he’d make an alien movie and focus on the main girl’s pregnancy dilemmas? THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS.

Phew, so in case you were dumb enough like me to watch this movie past that point, we actually DO get another scene with a crocodile, believe it or not. Because I guess the riveting world of crocodile farm politics just wasn’t enough for this movie. But seriously, movie, you could at least try? The scene goes like this – the girl’s boyfriend goes underwater to make out with her legs or something, and the croc gets him, but all she does is stand around and look confused. How come she doesn’t just look under the water? Might save her…oh wait:

Whoops! Message gained from this scene: sex is bad. We should all just abstain from even looking at the opposite sex, and that way we will never be eaten by crocodiles.

So seeking an opportunity, the rival croc farm leaders decide to do the normal thing for this situation and break loose a bunch of crocodiles from Jack’s farm, to make it look like one of them did the nasty, bloody deed. This actually does get Jack’s croc farm shut down by the police, even though I’m not sure that should be their first priority when there’s a croc on the loose KILLING PEOPLE right now. Deal with the farm itself later, guys! I’m not even sure what this is supposed to accomplish, anyway. It’s not going to stop any more murders from happening, so why the hell are they focusing on shutting down the farm as their first priority? And wait…I don’t even really care! I often forget that I’m stooping to lower intellectual levels when watching these things.

Yeah, you really need that many cops to hand the guy a piece of paper and shut down his farm, right? I bet these idiots also send 10 cops to save a cat stuck in a tree while there's a serial killer investigation going on.

We get some more banal banter and boring acting, with the police about whether or not to cut the captured crocodile open to see if it’s the one that did the killing. God, it’s like every time we get a kill in this movie, we have to suffer through six or seven scenes of nothing but talking and legal nonsense. HOW IS THIS ENTERTAINMENT? How did they mess this up? All they had to do was make a stupid slasher movie with a crocodile eating people! Was that not complex enough for the writers? Was the chief marketing audience for this movie grad students who wanted to feel smart for watching something about the legalities of crocodile farms in Asia? What’s the draw in that? Can someone explain it to me?

So then we see some more EXCITEMENT when the two guys who run the other farm debate about whether what they did was right or not…man, I miss Lake Placid. Hmph. At least that movie had ACTUAL STUFF HAPPENING. Jesus.

I really like this one scene where on TV it shows this guy on a boat being filmed from up above in a helicopter (or something…), with a croc swimming around him. The narration explains that it can’t be Jack’s crocodile because it’s a different kind. But there’s something off about this scene…

Oh, I know. WHY THE HELL ISN’T ANYBODY HELPING THIS GUY? He’s just down there stuck on a boat with a huge man-eating crocodile, no big deal at all, right? Seriously, they’re just filming him for the news and not making any apparent attempt to save him. That’s pretty harsh. In another scene, we see a family of four being warned that there’s a man-eating crocodile on the loose, and they just kind of blow it off. They get theirs, though, when their little boy gets eaten by the giant CGI croc just moments later, like the croc was waiting for a cue or something.

"I'm a douchey white suburban dad, and I'm right about everything. When you tell me there's a man-eating crocodile in the water I think you're joking, just because I haven't seen it yet."

Truly parents of the year, people! Exemplary work! Give them a medal! Ugh…

They meet a guy played by Michael Madsen, whose only character trait is ‘guy with gravelly voice so you KNOW he’s a tough veteran.’ He’s some kind of croc hunter, or something. He doesn’t really do much of any importance throughout this whole thing, but that’s because nothing of any importance happens in the rest of the movie anyway. I mean, are you really surprised? Did you really expect the film with as much purpose and meaning as that Rugrats All Grown Up cartoon to pull itself together in the last act?

There's one scene of note where a bunch of the other croc farm leaders get massacred by the croc when it SOMEHOW hides in their pool and they don't notice - plot convenience at its worst:

OK, seriously, how does he not see the crocodile? They're both underwater. How do you not notice that?

Is he just blind or something? Seriously, how do you mess this up? Is the crocodile just super-silent? Does he have camouflage powers? WHAT?

But otherwise it's just bland as all get out. Pretty much it just plods on and on and makes me want to go to sleep. The final battle is an unpleasant and unentertaining cobble of horrible wooden acting, illogical scenes, bad CGI and completely stilted, un-engaging fight scenes that pretty much couldn’t be any worse if you put frigging Space Eunuchs in there. I mean, the final battle gives more importance to the scene of the characters trying to get Jack’s leg free from the mouth of the gator, than the actual fight scene with said gator beforehand! I’m serious. They kill the thing in like, a second, and then spend a minute or two more debating what the best way is to make sure they don’t have to amputate Jack’s leg. Oh, yes, I’m SO INVESTED in what’s going to happen to Jack’s leg after this is all over! Please, spare me the suspense; my heart is about to give out! God, what a load! This movie is awful!

But then again, what was I expecting from this anyway; groundbreaking cinema? No, how about just mild entertainment; the bare minimum of laughter or excitement to keep me from falling asleep? Croc didn’t even have that, and even for a Made for TV movie it’s bad. Director of Ice Pirates, you failed again. Go sit in the corner.

REVIEW: The Ice Pirates (1984)

Ugh, who even cares...just start the damn thing.

Director: Stewert Raffill

Starring: Robert Urich, Anjelica Huston, Ron Perlman, Mary Crosby, Michael D. Roscoe

Website: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0087451/

"I never thought this would happen!"

-One character about to be turned into a eunuch...

The Ice Pirates, a film that isn’t very well known and for good reason, is the kind of thing that I can only compare to that kid in your class who always tried to tell funny jokes but just never was very good at it. He kept trying, though, and although nobody laughed, one can’t deny that he was indeed persistent. Persistently annoying, persistently grotesque and persistently awkward, but persistent! If that’s all you care about then this movie should serve you quite well.

The film begins with an uninspired text scroll that informs us briefly that the world we’re about to see is one in which water is the highest form of currency. And…that’s really it. Nothing too dramatic, just that. I'm glad this movie is so intent on setting us up the right way. Well, OK then! The film kicks off with a bunch of guys in spacey-looking armor and tights running around on some pretty lame looking sets that come off less like ‘Star Wars parody’ and more like ‘what Star Wars would have been like without all the adventure and wonder sucked out.’

What is that? The contents of the neighborhood junkyard? Jesus Christ, that looks less convincing than Angelina Jolie's performance in Taking Lives.

And check out these awesome special effects for the laser blasts!

Because when you have no cash for special effects, just get your kid to scribble some blue crayon all over your film!

So the guys get this big machine and go through a whole hoohah about trying to open a door to what ends up being a bathroom. We’re greeted with what is perhaps a fitting metaphor for the film, a scrawny, ugly yellow alien sitting on the toilet. And to complete the metaphor, he gets passed over by most of the crew but gets a whack on the head from the last one. This kind of neglect followed by abuse is pretty much standard for the rest of the movie.

Did I mention this movie is another gem that Ron Perlman had a supporting role in? Because it is. I have a feeling he won’t be putting this one on his resume any time soon, but then, it is more dignified than 5ive Girls or Dark Country, so there’s that.

They initiate a big battle with the guards while trying to steal the water, but end up finding a hot chick sleeping in a giant glass case with the bongwater smoke that was inhaled while the writers created this movie. Why is she in the glass case to begin with? You know…there’s probably a reason, but this whole movie is directed so poorly that I have a hard time telling. A lot of the time it’s like that; you can’t even really tell what the hell is going on! It’s not like I’m asking to be spoonfed every little thing on a silver platter, but some clearer direction and action logic would be nice. Most of the time, the movie can’t even be bothered to explain ANYTHING AT ALL. How would you like it if, in my next review, I started off in the middle of the movie and didn’t bother to explain the events I’m mocking in any sequential order? THAT’S ABOUT AS MUCH SENSE AS THIS MAKES. Use transitions and segue ways! It’s not that hard!

Oh, and I can’t possibly go over every single weird thing this film does, but seriously, this about sums it all up:

I think these guys got lost on their way to a Monty Python convention. Oh well, not like they would have won any contests there anyway...they're about as funny as John Cleese's toenail clippings.

So after main character Jason is done kidnapping that princess who was randomly in a glass case for no reason other than plot convenience, they all get captured by the very vague force of law and government in this galaxy, and are sentenced to be castrated and turned into space eunuchs. Uh huh. Space eunuchs. That’s…so bizarre and strange that I don’t even know what to say about it. They’re put naked on a conveyor belt and shaved, and then they’re run through a clamp that cuts off their balls. Well, gee. I knew some feminist groups were hardcore, but this is just unrealistic!

And that's how you de-size a population properly.

After that, we see that the Princess has spared the pirates if they’ll help her with her quest to find her father. Why do they still have to dress up like eunuchs then? Why couldn’t she just take them directly to the ship and start the mission immediately, if they’re going to do it anyway? Because the movie wouldn’t be long enough without padding, and because it’s funny to have rugged space pirates dressed up in pink tights and fluffy wigs. Me, I just think it’s kind of creepy, but then, I have the right number of chromosomes. So I guess I’m not quite the audience this film is aiming at.

They go for funny AAAAAAAAAND mostly just hit 'awkward.'

Ugh, so on their way out, the pirates discover a robot that talks in jive and acts like a pimp:

This is like a really bad South Park joke or something...eugh.

…and a model toy police car with spikes on it that actually drives inside the hallway:

You know what the chief problem with this is? It isn’t funny. The timing just feels off most of the time on the jokes, the characters don’t really have much comedic charm and the jokes are incredibly forced, like trying to fit square pegs into round holes. Not to mention the set-ups are completely convoluted and overly long. You want an example? How about this one part where two characters find a weird bug that definitely is NOT ripping off Alien, which they declare is a ‘space herpe.’ Yes, a space herpe. And yes, this is all just a waste of time set-up for one line about how the ship has herpes now. Wow. An overlong set-up leading to a pointless non sequitur joke that adds nothing to the plot and is in no way humorous or enjoyable. And people wonder why I’m so cynical.

On the ship, they figure out that they need to go to this bar, or something, to find out where they can get a land cruiser to go find this guy who knows where the princess’s father is. But that’s not important. What is important is that this whole thing is a set-up for Jason to make the princess go and flirt with this frog-alien-human-hybrid thing to get the land cruiser, because he knows the frog-thing has one they can use. Only when the princess comes back, she tells him the frog-thing is a woman, and wants Jason to come and sit with her! So…if Jason knew the frog-thing had a land cruiser, how did he not know it was a woman? You know movie, there’s this little thing called logic that I hear is very useful when trying to write a story. Try it sometime!

What is that thing, Rosie O' Donnell on a bad hair day?

The film wastes some more time with an overlong fight sequence between one of the pirates and some guy at the bar…why am I mentioning it in the review if it’s such a waste? Because the film really seems to think it’s something worth watching, so of course I must waste more of your time in turn by talking about it! It just simulates the experience of watching the movie better that way. GET ON WITH IT, MOVIE.

Then the movie falls into some pitfalls of ungodly annoyance when you hear the frog-lady talk in the most horrific croaking voice you can possibly imagine, asking Jason if her blouse is nice (shivers will run down your spine…). It’s annoying. Then, when we actually see the guy they’re trying to find, we get an info dump of crap that I bet you anything the actors didn’t care about. And it’s boring. Boring and annoying, people; those are your choices with this movie.

Anyway, the guy’s (who looks something like a bargain bin Obi Wan Kenobi...charming) story is that he was aged by a time-warp he went through (it happens) while searching for the mysterious ‘seventh world,’ which was lost in time and is a source of unlimited water – gee, I have no idea what this joke could be building up to! A planet filled with water lost in a place where no one knows? The mystery is just astounding. Seriously, COULD THESE JOKES BE ANY MORE OBVIOUS? It’s Planet Earth if you haven’t figured it out! This joke is old before the punchline even hits!

Oh, but I just love when a movie gives me a chance to see a robot wearing a tie and cufflinks getting run over by one of the rejected ideas for Wacky Races in the middle of the desert. That’s just a treat.

No robots or skeleton-faced cars were harmed in the making of this scene.

Back on the ship, the crew has now adopted a host of farm animals on the ship…if you’re surprised, you haven’t been watching the movie long enough for your brain to be melted into a fine, pulpy goo to where you can accept this garbage yet. Don’t worry. It’ll happen soon enough.

They then go to see a man who wears glasses. Yes, glasses, in a sci fi movie. Isn’t that like having a guy wearing a watch in Middle Earth? Just doesn’t add up. Anyway, they talk to him for a while and he’s pretty annoying and terrible, like the worst standup comedian you ever saw in your life. Oh, and his head comes off. Why? Oh, come on; like the movie’s going to start making sense now. And yes, the head-coming-off thing is just a big set up for Ron Perlman to say “he really lost his head.” Again with the lame jokes with overlong set-ups. You could at least try to make this a little funny, if you’re going to continually abuse our senses with your nonsense, movie. Just asking for a little mercy!

So yeah, they’re there because unfunny glasses-man apparently knows where the princess’s father is, but it turns out to be a robot. I really don’t get the point of this scene – she finds out her father is a robot, cries a little, and the scene fades back out. What? Was half of the scene cut out or something? Did they really just like that scene so much they couldn’t get rid of it? What? Give me some answers, movie!

Since this is a parody, we’re treated to a love scene between Jason and the princess, with some machine putting different backgrounds for them to have sex in front of. And I guess I’m supposed to find it funny, but mostly I’m just wondering why they would have that damn machine anyway. Also, why would they even need it when they’re not even looking at the backgrounds anyway? That’s not really the point of having sex, movie. “Honey, why’d you stop?” “I’m just mesmerized by this beautiful fake sunset in the background!” Yeah. Pretty bad, huh?

Then we get the final battle, in which our heroes also go through the aging vortex that got that other guy. It causes time to speed up at alarming rates, and all the characters to grow older. Sorry, but unless that time warp can make the movie end faster, I’m not interested. This scene does have a few clever moments, like Jason and the princess’s baby being born super-quick due to the time speed-up, and I actually do like the final shot where the whole family is together. That was kind of nice.

But the rest of this movie is totally insipid! I mean, Christ, what more can I say? The humor is terrible, the jokes are poorly set up and it’s not at all entertaining. Is this really the kind of thing I’ve come to accept as worthy of reviewing? I feel like I used to have much higher standards…I need a vacation, man. I’m out of here. Blowing this joint. Not comin’ back for a while. So long, suckers!