Review: Happy Tree Friends (2006 - present)

Director: Aubrey Ankrum et al.

Starring: Animals dying mostly.

Website: http://www.happytreefriends.com/

Do you like seeing little animals get brutally slaughtered in the most ridiculous and over the top ways? I’m not talking about some kind of seedy, cheaply made exploitation film from Croatia, but rather Happy Tree Friends, a cartoon which has mysteriously gained widespread appreciation among young people everywhere. Probably just as a way to rebel against their parents for not letting them go to the latest Nickelback concert, though.

I mean, I don’t even see how this has any fans at all. The basic premise is nothing more than little cartoon animals getting killed. And I know I’ll get flack for that: “Ooh, you’re just a prude! It’s just comedy, it’s not real! Don’t be so uptight!” No; that’s no excuse for this, it’s completely horrible. Short, plot-less episodes with cutesy animals making cutesy noises without any real dialogue, and then they all get dismembered, ground up or impaled on sharp objects. So what?

The animation is pretty nice, I’ll give it that. But there’s just no substance. There’s nothing here that you can really sink your teeth into and remember. It’s all one note comedy that blows everything it has on the first shot, nothing to go back to at all. These people can’t even get the fundamental basics of comedy down. There is no thought put into this, no effort, nothing except for ‘hey, how do we kill off some more cartoon animals today?’ The pacing and flow of things is asininely simple and rushed, often ending without any real climax or anything that indicates an actual story with actual humor or wit.

I’ll just lay down one specific episode for you, since they are all about exactly the same old crap anyway: This weird squirrel thing and his baby son are strolling along in the park when the son gets catapulted out of his stroller and lands in some mud beyond a field of cacti. The father bathes his son in the sink (…even though it’s clearly shown later that he has a bathtub he could have used instead…) and the son gets stuck in the drain, because…well, because they need to make room for more gore. The father gets under the sink and unplugs the drain pipe, spilling out a bunch of garbage and also a bone. He clips the bone off, and it’s revealed that it was the kid’s leg. Then we get an example of his brilliant intellect as he ties a rope around his son’s neck and attaches it to his car to try and yank him out. What follows is a massacre of bloody proportions that leads to the son being reduced to just a head, nothing else. He drowns in the bathtub and the episode ends.

Why would you willingly watch this? Why would anyone even spend time to watch it on the Internet for free? Has everybody lost their minds? The only way I could possibly find this funny is if I imagined the creators of this show in place of the little animals constantly getting killed. That would be a little bit of an improvement.

I haven’t even mentioned the music in the show, which is so cheery and so sugary-sweet that it’s like it’s mocking the viewer. This kind of bubbly, bouncy cartoony music matched up with the show’s content is absolutely vomit-worthy. And the way the animals talk, too, ugh. They only grunt and squeal without any actual words or dialogue, and it really grates on my nerves after even one minute of listening to it. If I have to hear that retarded blue moose with one of its antlers upside down do that dumb voice one more time, I will go on a bloody rampage myself.

The trick of disguising an incredibly obscene and graphic cartoon with such kidlike animation and bright colors has been a trend for a long time, and it worked for things like South Park, for example. But even mentioning South Park in the same review as tripe like Happy Tree Friends is a travesty. I actually think this show is so unfunny that it becomes a kind of weird, black-hole-esque anti-comedy, sucking the life out of anything that crosses its path with a voracious tenacity. This is pretty much worthless, talentless garbage, and you should avoid it at any cost.


This review was originally written for www.manofthehourmagazine.com

Review: The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (2010)

Director: Niels Arden Oplev

Starring: Noomi Rapace, Michael Nyqvist

Website: http://dragontattoofilm.com/

Meet Lisbeth. She’s a computer hacker with friends in the right places and no tolerance for the scum of the Earth rapists and murderers she hunts. She is quite a beautiful young woman, and intelligent to boot, but she does have a few trust issues after a long history of traumatic and abusive men – so take note of that. It would likely be something akin to walking into a lion’s den. This is a girl you want to tread carefully around. She already looks the part of the quiet one, with her sullen demeanor, but you really don’t want to piss her off. Because when you do…well, she doesn’t hold back.

In The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, she plays a crucial role in the bringing down of a horrific chain of religiously driven ritualistic rape and murder circling beneath the surface of a prestigious Swedish family. This is a film that is long and detailed, with 2.5 hours full of nail-biting suspense, no-holds-barred violence and thrills that could topple mountains. Journalist Mikael Blomkvist has six months before he has to go to jail for slander against a high profile politician, and in that time he is determined to crack the 40-year-long case of a missing girl. He has the help of the aforementioned Lisbeth, and together they start to get to the bottom of things as well as getting closer together themselves.

This movie keeps you guessing all the way. The setting varies from the remote country wilderness where Mikael investigates to the dense, neon lit city where Lisbeth carries out her first deeds. Anyone who takes a revenge on their rapist that involves shoving a rocket shaped dildo up his ass and then making him watch the videotape she taped during the rape, before blackmailing him, and then carving the words “I am a sadistic pig and a rapist” on his chest with an amateur tattoo knife…is nobody I want to fuck with, thank you.

The rest of the story is a rocket ride through shades of Silence of the Lambs and Se7en, among others, although with a little bit more of an action bent here, rather than the gloomy noir and grimy horror tinges of those films. This is a film that attacks the viewer head on with conspiracies, sharp plot twists and new evidences every couple of minutes. It is a riveting and captivating mystery, adding in touches of personal drama and romance when necessary – just small touches, enough to add the Human Element to the story. This is a great film simply because it has a lot of really interesting things going on, making 2.5 hours feel more like one and a half. It doesn’t do much to break the mold or challenge our perception of mystery thriller movies, but it does deliver a synthesis of exactly why they are so great.

One of the best scenes is when Lisbeth comes into Mikael's room the first night they spend together. They don't really say a whole lot, but they have a quick round of sex before she leaves, saying nothing but "Good night," in this really peppy, adorable way like she was just leaving a table after a cup of coffee instead. And I also really like the climax of the film where Mikael finally finds out who the killer is. It results in his (the killer's) frenzied drive down the highway and inevitable crash, where he burns to death as Lisbeth watches, choosing to do nothing. The direction here is just really great. Every scene, even the ones that don't immediately stick out, are just so lively. They really jump out at you and just really pull you in, making every second of this long film count. The film makes use of a falling action afterwards as everything is resolved and the audience finally sees what really happened to the missing Harriet Vanger all this time.

And like every such film, the social relevance is here, as The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo tackles topics like mistreatment of women by authority figures, journalistic corruption and the ease with which sick, twisted criminals slip under the radar. It is a powerful and driving film that makes a statement as a movie as well as about social ailments. Lisbeth is a great character and Noomi Rapace does a wonderful job acting as her, with all her moodiness and coldness, with the touches of subtle beauty underneath.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is only the first movie in a line of them adapted from the hit book series by the famous-after-death author Stieg Larsson (RIP), and apparently there are still two more of them that will be released very soon here as well. If that’s the case, hell, I can’t wait. This is a very cool movie, and one of the best released recently, especially in the mystery thriller genre. Go check this out. It is worth your time no matter what genre of movies you like.