Showing posts with label Santa Claus. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Santa Claus. Show all posts

Thursday, December 27, 2012

A Christmas Story (1983) Tribute

This movie really doesn’t need an introduction, but I am giving it one anyway. A Christmas Story is director Bob Clark’s triumph. A pure tale of nostalgia that everyone can’t help but love, and I’ve never really seen anyone say otherwise. And it’s odd because this is, essentially, a film without a story or conflict. It’s like watching a scrapbook of old family memories, and surprisingly, comes out as one of the best Christmas movies you’ll ever see. Am I a few days late on this, now that Christmas is over? No, because Christmas is never over on Cinema Freaks!

Director: Bob Clark
Starring: Peter Billingsly, Darren McGavin

The first main selling point is Bob Clark’s directing. He does a great job of making this movie flow easy and smooth, and no matter what the subject matter, be it writing a paper in school or walking home and defending oneself from bullies, everything is given weight and gravity. Everything seems important, because to a little kid like main character Ralphie (Peter Billingsly), it is important – it’s life or death stuff. This is not a Christmas movie because it has Santa and snow and snowmen in it than a Christmas movie because it deals with family and memories, and Christmas is largely a time for memories that a family holds dear for years to come. There are so many humorous twists and turns here, from the infamous “leg lamp” debacle that the father is up in arms over...


to the infamous “Ovaltine decoder ring” tragedy...


...as well as the mother’s “wash your mouth out with soap” thing (the scene where Ralphie envisions a future where he goes blind because of this is priceless):


And they just keep on coming. Everything in this movie is imbued with the greatest sense of whimsical wonder and off-the-wall energy, bouncing from topic to topic with little coherence because that’s the way a kid’s mind would really work, in a nonlinear fashion with little coherency. And it is wonderful. The whole thing is tied together with Ralphie's attempts at getting this toy rifle, which everyone keeps telling him "you'll shoot your eye out," and thus refusing him. If only they'd just give in and let him live out his fantasies of being the last old school gunslinger! Even Santa Claus doesn't give him what he wants.


The second selling point that makes this so good is Jean Shepherd’s voice-overs as adult Ralphie looking back on everything years later, and without this, even Clark’s direction wouldn’t be as spotlessly perfect for this. Shepherd’s voice is old and hoary but he is full of verve and excitement too, remembering times when the world seemed bright and colorful. We never see anything about where Ralphie is now as an adult, because it isn’t particularly important. He’s well-off enough to sit down and tell this story for us, and that’s all that matters. Everything is focused on the childhood, the looking-back, the nostalgia. Shepherd moves the movie forward and keeps us as excited as he is – he sounds interested, so we are interested. The kooky fantasies and daydreams are just icing on the cake, and they're all really vivid and funny in just how oddball they are. But every kid had these fantasies, or ones like them, and so they're instantly relatable and likable too.

Of course, this wouldn’t be as good either without the strength of the actors. Darren McGavin as the Old Man is brilliantly over the top and zany, the perfect overly exuberant dad who tries too hard and Melinda Dillon as the overly exuberant mom that worries too much are both a ton of fun and play off each other really well. Though I wouldn’t bet on their children growing up overly sane with how caustic they constantly are. But at least they’re not the kind of parents who would dress their son up in a pink bunny outfit…


Oh, well, I recall my statement. Seriously, how is that a good gift for a nine year old boy? Whoever sent that must’ve been high.

Peter Billingsly as Ralphie is also great, and has to carry many of the scenes by himself, which is tough for a kid – and he does a very good job, becoming at once likable and also having the typical kid stuff like selfishness and a short-sighted scope of the world…he hasn’t grown out of them yet and the movie is touchingly realistic for all that. The scene where he finally beats up the bully who’s been tormenting him all movie long is one of the best in the film. He beats the shit out of him and then breaks down crying. A touching and emotional moment.

And that’s what it really comes down to with A Christmas Story. It’s not a movie you can stick in one genre because it’s full of every genre, from comedy to tragedy and everything in between, because life can’t be pigeonholed into one genre. This is a film that covers all of it, from the good to the bad to the awkward; the touching and the zany; the wild and exuberant and the quiet and mellow. Christmastime is a time for family and memories that end up being something one cherishes, even the most cringe-worthy moments, because in the end it all ends up OK. A Christmas Story is like watching a family photo album come to life, and you get a lot more out of it than you would from a photo album with great direction, great characters, great performances…this is just an all-around stellar Christmas movie.

I don’t really have much to add with this, as it’s a classic and everything about it has pretty much already been said. There isn’t anything I can say that people don’t already know about it, but I’m posting this anyway as a tribute to one of the best feel-good movies around, and a true Christmas classic. I may not get to watch a ton of Christmas movies every year, but this one is always one I throw on. If you haven’t seen it, you’re missing out, and if you have, then you’ll be nodding your head in agreement with every paragraph of this. A Christmas Story is the kind of thing I’d be proud to find under my tree every year.

Images copyright of their original owners.

Friday, December 21, 2012

REVIEW: Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010)

For all the people who really want a Christmas movie about an evil Santa Claus…well, you could go watch Santa’s Slay. But since I talked about that last year, this year I’m diving into Rare Exports, a Finnish horror comedy about a small mining town that comes across the real live Santa Claus buried under a mountain and then tries to pawn him off for money to the corporate bigwigs. It’s…well, let’s just take a look.

Director: Jalmari Helander
Starring: Onni Tommila, Jorma Tommila

We start off with two dumb kids who are the product of such good parenting that they can sneak into a dangerous mining operation where they could be killed at any moment by large, sharp and unpredictable equipment. But it’s OK, because the miners don’t even notice – they’re too busy listening to some fat white businessman talk about how they’re about to uncover something amazing.

"Allow me to take all the credit for your hard work!"

We don’t know what it is yet. But this little kid, named Pietari, has an idea of what it might be as he looks through his old fairy tale books and concludes that it must be Santa Claus. But not the bright and happy Coca Cola Santa Claus of American commercialism; no – this is the evil children-slaughtering Santa Claus of old, buried under the ice because a bunch of villagers tricked him out onto it and then buried him in rocks, creating the mountain that they’re all standing on.

Okay…where the hell do I even start?

For one, what, a little kid solves this whole thing in a matter of one night while a team of grown men are still confused? I guess there is something to be said for Occam’s Razor – the simplest answer is the right answer. And in this case, the simplest answer is…if there’s a mysterious thing underground, it must be Santa Claus. Indeed.

Those footprints look pretty small for the huge creature this movie is saying Santa is., don't they? 

Two, so if this Santa was so bad, how did he get tricked so easily by a bunch of villagers? Seems like the big bad children-murdering fear-monger isn’t so smart. Why should we even be afraid of this guy anyway?

All that brawn and muscle and horns and he's a great big idiot who gets fooled by a stupid trick by some rustic village folk. Wow.

Well, either way, it’s apparently Santa Claus, as foretold by a little Finnish child who dresses like he should be riding a short bus. He tells his best friend Jusso about this, but Jusso doesn’t believe him, probably because Jusso is actually sane. Meanwhile, Pietari’s father and another guy from the village find a mysterious naked old man unconscious and assume he’s one of the miners from up on the mountain. They come to the conclusion that they’ve captured Santa Claus. They’re about to kill him when Pietari spots them…

"Aw, man, daddy's killing someone in the garage again...I feel a lifetime's worth of psychiatry sessions coming from this..."

And then he runs away to the cops! The father is so concerned that he just stands there and waits around for, I dunno, the new world to rise up after Armageddon I guess, before actually going after him at a very stately, relaxed pace that is more like the walk of someone who just had too many Hot Wings at TGI Fridays. Pietari ends up at Jusso’s house where he goes upstairs to find his friend and instead finds…


Because this creepy voodoo doll placed in the bed of a small child doesn’t denote kidnapping or ANY kind of wrongdoing, the adults, INCLUDING THE FRIGGIN POLICE, just shrug it off as a prank. No way somebody could have snuck into his room and taken him away against his will, right? HAS to be a stupid prank! Hell, when I was his age, I put a creepy voodoo doll in my bed so I could sneak out undetected ALL THE TIME! It’s just what kids do!

After that, the villagers go back to the creepy naked Santa they kidnapped and start harassing him for information, shouting at him in several different languages. When he doesn’t respond…they keep on shouting…they truly are geniuses that way…and then they decide to ransom him to the big rich corporate guys who wanted him in the first place. Because every good Christmas movie was always missing a hostage ransom scene orchestrated by the good guys!

They go to get their money, of course bringing the little kid with them because THAT’S the right thing to do. When they try to bargain with the rich guy, they find out that DUN DUN DUN…they don’t really have Santa at all; just one of his elves! Before they have a chance to ruminate on this huge plot twist, they get attacked by…

The greatest Christmas image ever.

Yup. Naked old white men running in the snow. I can’t even make this shit up. But hey, at least this movie gave the geriatrics at the old folks’ home something to do on a rainy day. There is that. “Hey, want to come star in our Christmas-ized version of The Thing with way less atmosphere and scares?” “Sounds awesome!”

After the bourgeois white men are all dead, the main characters go into this warehouse conveniently right next to the spot where they were all meeting, and find out that the elves have been kidnapping children all throughout the village, stuffing them in bags and are waiting to feed them to the giant horned Santa trapped in the ice. They’re trying to defrost the ice with a bunch of stolen ovens, heat generators and even hairdryers. Yes, hairdryers – the elves have stolen hairdryers to try and defrost a mountain-sized block of ice encasing their fallen leader. That’s…so stupid I can’t even put it into words.

The little kid suddenly picks up a gun and starts commanding the adults to gather explosives so they can destroy Santa. Yup…just out of nowhere, he suddenly becomes John McClane as a Finnish boy. If the adults were the ones orchestrating this whole thing, sure, it’d be retarded too, but when the 8 YEAR OLD BOY is the one leading them all? C’mon. But it works out somehow, they save all the kids and Pietari is the new action hero for Finland. Happy day!

The makers of the Die Hard series will be knocking on this kid's door any day now.

But wait! There’s more! Apparently afterwards, they kidnap the elves and train them to be Santa Clauses themselves, and ship them all around the world, cooped up in wooden boxes no less, to make money. Gee, doesn’t that remind you of another shameful chapter of human history?


Eh. Could just be a coincidence.

But yeah, that’s the end of this whole thing, and wasn’t it just perfectly lame? The characters are all either dull or stupid, the plot is just a rip off of The Thing, the humor isn’t that great and it’s just not that impressive of a movie. The idea is interesting but the execution just isn’t very stirring. And seriously, we never even see the Santa Claus in this movie! The big monster that the whole movie builds up to, is never shown on screen! What kind of bullshit is that? I guess I’ll just assume he looks like Bill Goldberg.


Merry Christmas!

Friday, December 31, 2010

Review: The Santa Clause (1994)

Director: John Pasquin
Starring: Tim Allen, Judge Reinhold, Wendy Crewson

With all the countless movies made for families about Santa Claus, with their jolliness, holiday cheer and just a little bit of risqué jokes for extra measure…this film is another one. The Santa Clause, starring Tim Allen, tells a heartwarming story of a man who became Santa Claus and was briefly estranged and alienated by his family and friends before becoming accepted…as being Santa Claus…okay, okay, it’s a weird-ass, schmaltzy flick without much common sense, sue me.

This film does have some problems. I mean, the whole idea is that whoever puts on the Santa suit after Santa is dead or incapacitated in any way becomes the new Santa, right? Well what if a Jew or a Muslim or a Scientologist became Santa? I guess the elves would make due, but all I’m saying is, they should be grateful that Tim Allen was so reasonable about it. Hell, what if nobody put on the Santa suit in time for Christmas? Seems like that’d be a pretty big fucking deal. Maybe they have some secret back up plan that the movie isn’t telling us about?

But fortunately for the elves, Tim Allen puts on the suit and although he’s initially suspicious and apprehensive, he grows very quickly accustomed to the idea and makes a 180 turn in terms of morals and thoughts about it. Too fast, I think. I mean we’re barely given any time to accept this whole thing in the first place, and yet with the movie’s quick editing it seems like Allen barely has a second thought about it, going straight from Scrooge-esque disgruntlement to immediate acceptance in the bat of an eye. Not really convincing, movie.

After Allen’s rendezvous to the North Pole, along with his incredibly annoying little boy, the kid starts to tell everyone about his dad’s new job. Why does Allen keep letting him though? This is the kind of thing I’d like to call the Idiot Effect, a snowballing of events that propel the film’s plot forward, but could have very easily been avoided if the characters just had a little more intelligence. Why does Allen keep letting the kid blab to everyone and thus flush his self image down the drain? It could all be solved by just one sentence of dialogue: “Hey, listen, don’t tell anybody about what happened last night.” That’s it. That is all that is needed. Then none of the problems in this movie would have happened, and maybe we could have spent our time better actually delving deeper into the whole Santa mythos that this movie obviously put time into. It seems like the film has a priority issue here, that’s the main problem.

My last issue with the film is that it’s just resolved all too quickly, the whole entire thing. Allen comes to term with his being Santa and decides to give it his full effort, but his ex wife and her new husband are afraid of him and think he kidnapped their son. He brings the kid back, escapes the police with the help of his James Bond-style elves (I know, just go with it) and everything is pretty much fine, resolved quicker than you can count to three on one hand. Give us some more conflict! This just is not enough, and I know there could have been more effort put into it.

Really, this is just a decent film. There are a lot of little plotholes and things they could have fixed if they just tried harder, but it is a charming film. I like the way the elves have all that futuristic technology and I like the way they set up the Santa mythos. Tim Allen does OK, even though the kid playing his son pretty much sucks. But what can you expect? It’s a kid’s movie, a dime-a-dozen family flick from the 90s that pretty much went through the motions. It’s fun, but it’s unspectacular.