REVIEW: Red State (2011)

Hey guys, ready for an awful Kevin Smith movie that besmirches everything good he’s ever put to his name? I’m not, but I’m going to do the review anyway. This is Red State.

Director: Kevin Smith

Starring: John Goodman and who cares?

Website: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0873886/

You know, people should just stick to what they do best. You wouldn’t ask a baker to write you an award winning novel and you wouldn’t ask a novelist to bake a cake for your wedding. The same principle even applies to movie directors who try and step outside what they’re usually known for. Kevin Smith, for example, is a comedy director. He makes quirky off the wall comedies about larger than life subjects with a lot of style and wit. Here, he has created a god-awful ‘horror’ film with nothing resembling his usual awesomeness at all. And alright, I’m all for people branching out every once in a while, but for Pete’s sake at least try harder than Smith did here!

So the film starts off with some home video quality directing as we see one of our main douchebags riding in the car with a woman who I presume is his mom, although really they look about the same age. They pass by some fanatical church protesters angry at gay people, and then he goes to school where his teacher is so cool that she says curse words in class and uses colloquialisms because that’s what Kevin Smith thinks happens in all schools…then at lunch the douchebag meets up with other douchebags who are totally different! Actually…no they’re not.

That's the smart thing to do! Why don't you just paint a big target on your chest while you're at it?

They talk about sex, use a lot of vulgar language and make plans to meet up with some random woman on the internet for sex that night, because that’s the only way they’ll ever be real men and have memorable times in high school. Wow. So is there…anything likable about them? Is there anything that doesn’t make me want to stab them all through the jugulars multiple times over? No? Okay then.

I know what you’re thinking here: doesn’t every Kevin Smith movie have characters that act like total jackasses and talk about sex in rambling monologues? How is this movie any different? Well, where Clerks used that kind of dialogue for humorous purposes and backed it up with strong acting and directing, here it’s just like Smith didn’t even give a crap. It’s got no style to it. This is just random, tasteless nonsense. There’s nothing funny or interesting about it and it certainly doesn’t draw us into the characters, so why? I guess it’s “realistic” in some fashion, but even that’s a stretch to say. Realism only goes so far until it starts to actually detract from the film.

So our three cancerous blobs sneak out and go to a trailer in the middle of nowhere where an ugly middle aged woman answers the door with a bottle of cheap beer in her hand; isn’t this sounding sort of like a really awful Superbad rip off right now? This whole opening is kind of like that – like if Superbad took itself really seriously. And I don’t think anyone ever really wanted to see that, Kevin Smith!

The picture of romance.

But never fear, because Smith does change it up afterwards by introducing the plot twist that the whole online sex thing was really a scam; shock and awe…the kids are kidnapped by this cult of religious nutbags led by Michael Parks, who…was in some movies, I guess. And I mean this character is just asinine to the extreme. It wouldn’t be so bad if what he was saying was cut down to just a minute or two, but Smith keeps the camera on him for like 15 minutes while he just rambles on and on and on about how homosexuals are bad and whatever else. Pretty much you can just sum it up as “Blah blah blah blah blah…” There’s nothing of any worth here.

Easily the most annoying character I've seen in a while, and I watched REPO a few weeks ago.

And you’re tired of this after like the first 2 minutes. WE GET IT. Kevin Smith is making a commentary about the Westboro Baptist Church and other fanatical religious sects; it’s not like he’s saying anything controversial here! So why all the babbling? Why are you making us sit through this torture, Kevin Smith?

So there’s also this other plot thread about how the sheriff of the county is having a gay love affair with some random guy and hiding it from his wife. How riveting. Why don’t you actually show us something interesting or relevant next time? This is all just a set up anyway to get the deputy guy to go over to the cult church place and do the whole cliché ‘cop comes within an inch of finding out the bad guys but is too dumb to put the pieces together.’

"Duhhhhrrrr, don't make me think; I just came from a baked yams and honey and Bud Light and cowboy hat rodeo!"

Shame on you Kevin Smith…shame on you.

So yeah, as you can gather, there has so far been nothing in this movie that even merits a light hearted joke or jab. Which is sad. But don’t worry, we have some real raising the stakes moments coming up! Like when the church people kill a guy by tying him to a cross and putting a bullet through his head…

…and when they kill the cop who comes to visit even though that will CLEARLY, OBVIOUSLY cause problems. That’s great. You know, if these people are so gun happy, how have they even survived this long? I also love how when one of them gets killed by the hostage kid that escapes, the old lady who we first met starts freaking out and acting like it’s a Shakespearean tragedy. Because, you know, bad things usually never happen when you take people hostage and try to kill them. THAT’S JUST PREPOSTEROUS!

Also the sheriff can’t mobilize his forces because Our Lord and Master Michael Parks blackmails him about being gay! Good law enforcement? What’s that?!

Oh boo hoo, you whiny little jackass. Grow a pair.

Oh, and because this movie has absolutely no idea what it’s doing, it actually hid a John Goodman performance way far back into its recesses. Wouldn’t one good actor be the thing you want to focus on, Kevin Smith? I know you like being edgy and off-kilter but…seriously. It’s John Goodman! He plays a cop who is under pressure from the bureaucracy to…be bureaucratic more often, I guess. They go to the crazy cult church and the crazy people start a shootout with them! Because again, they’ve somehow survived this long without blowing themselves up and I guess they were just tired of NOT being blown up.

Then as if the movie wasn’t insulting enough, we get one of the younger girls freeing the only main character left and trying to force him to help her save her younger cousins. Yeah, because I’m really gonna have sympathy for any of these wretched characters now; that’s a laugh. Of course the main character actually agrees, which is one of the only things I liked at all in this. This plot thread could have worked, but never underestimate Red State’s mediocrity as both characters literally get killed off in their next scene. Yes, really.

Having plots that go somewhere is tough I guess

Hey, taking this movie too seriously? It’s OK, we have a scene where Michael Parks asks that crazy fake-prostitute lady to get him tea during a big battle scene. Hooray for incompetence!

Ugh, alright, I am just about sick of this…the movie ends with the government putting Michael Parks in jail and putting John Goodman in another department different from the one he’s in now. I really can’t even bother to talk about this one anymore; it’s just that bad.

Red State is total ass, and I can safely say that Kevin Smith has been caught red handed with this one as there just isn’t any quality to be found. Every plot thread brought up is quickly dismissed for no reason and without any fanfare, like the movie just couldn’t wait to shoot itself in the foot again and again and again, like a suicidal Looney Tunes character that won’t bleed out no matter how many times the gun sounds off. It's preachy as hell, too, and doesn't have anything really interesting to say on top of that. Yeah, religious fanaticism is BAD. Did you know that?!

The characters are awful…they really expect us to care one wink about any of these horrible, horrible people? Are we supposed to root for the idiotic dolts who tried to solicit sex over the internet, or the ridiculously heinous church cult members who are about as likable as dried up gum on the bottom of my shoe? The acting is Z-grade garbage, the writing is bland at best, the directing is an immature drunken mess…where’s the quality? Where the hell is anything in this movie that I can enjoy even one little bit? John Goodman is pretty good, but then, they don’t even use him to his full potential. What would Jay and Silent Bob have to say about this?

I thought so. Case closed.

Review: Cop Out (2010) TH

Oh, buddy, more coppers

Brooklyn police detectives Jimmy (Bruce Willis) and Paul (Tracy Morgan) have been together as partners for the NYPD for 9 years, until they get suspended for 30 days without pay as per a botched sting operation involving Mexican drug dealers, excessive force and now an unusable informant. Jimmy's daughter is getting married and instead of letting his ex-wife's wealthy, condescending husband Roy (Jason Lee) foot the bill, he volunteers despite having no income for the next month and nothing to his name besides a very expensive, one-of-a-kind Andy Pafko baseball card.

This jumps over to a subplot that ties into the very reason they got suspended when the card gets stolen. They dodge giving information to the arch rival detectives Mangold and Hunsaker--who are constantly give them sarcastic flack for being screw ups--and decide to follow up the leads on their own. After getting some information off an effeminate cat burglar, who doesn't know when to shut up, they end up at the crib of the Catholic, murdering-dudes-left-and-right gang leader named Poh Boy who's got a posse that's armed to the teeth like a bunch of modern outlaw bandidos. The intimidating and potentially loco man named after a sandwich negotiates a deal that if they can get back his Mercedes Benz from some elusive guys who stole it then he'll hand over the card. Though a simple transaction turns into a fiasco that involves a growing list of illegal activities that these honest cops can't look the other way on.

"Cop Out" is a from-one-thing-to-another type movie, where the plot is loose and the players throw out some banter for the meantime. Problem is the story isn't note worthy and on top of that the chemistry between Willis and Morgan feels hit and miss, not to mention they frequently jump in and out of character. Ana de la Reguera as Gabriela is cute and likable, and the gang leader, played by Guillermo Diaz, is brutal to the point of exaggeration but also brings a certain on-screen presence just to see his next move. This isn't just a basic movie, it's a movie that doesn't hold that much power over its audience: they don't capitalize on what to root for, they don't take advantage of relating factors, there's nothing of value to polish with upkeep, light on mystery, small surprises, nothing to learn and repeat, little on growth, not as big on action and this produces superficial rewards--exhales. The one thing it does have is some nostalgia going on: '80s synthesizer music mixed with other radio hits, as well as more references to other movies than one can count. It plays on the cult, but doesn't produce a following itself.

This is purposely derivative and what makes it trip over its own shoelaces is it never fully crosses back over to walk with its own gait. "Lethal Weapon" and "Rush Hour" played on the tried-and-true and had their cliches as well, but still added some other elements to make the experience have their own distinctions to go back to. This is the second chance I've given this--being a fan of some of Kevin Smith and Bruce Willis' work--with the first time being okay if nothing special, but on the second time the slap stick jokes wear thin and have a shelf life of one time use with some currently having a stale taste as is. After awhile "Cop Out" feels like it's dragging through the mud as what's displayed isn't producing anything that's exceptional, even by simple escapism standards. For shame.

Director: Kevin Smith (Clerks, Dogma, Zack and Miri Make a Porno)
Starring: Bruce Willis, Tracy Morgan, Guillermo Diaz, Ana de la Reguera, Jason Lee, Kevin Pollak, Michelle Trachtenberg
Website: IMDB