Fright Night (1985)

These days, movies like The Wicker Man (remake) come out where they get famous based solely on a few minutes of schlocky fun, when really the rest of the movie isn't like that and is, for the most part, a sizable step down in quality from said schlocky fun. But the film gets “so bad it's good” praise from people anyway despite the fact that they're really just praising that short few minutes of schlocky fun.

Well...everything has to start somewhere!

Director: Tom Holland

Starring: William Ragsdale, Chris Sarandon

IMDb

Fright Night is a 1985 horror comedy that got a lot of lip service back in the day, which I'm pretty sure was for the bangin' 80s music and visuals. Yeah! Shake those hips.

The 80s was the only time you could get your party on and get a relaxing back massage at the same place.

But the movie doesn't start off with such extravagant extremes, no; instead we get a much humbler opening of main character Charley Brewster almost having sex with his girlfriend Amy, but she pulls back at the last second, feeling nervous I guess. Then she changes her mind again and wants to do it, but by that time, Charley's goldfish-sized attention span has gone to the next logical place – the weird stuff happening across the street, like new neighbors moving in.

You know, the common hierarchy: New neighbors are more important than sex. Just how it goes, guys.

"Honey, your total willingness to have sex with me is less important than two guys carrying a box around outside. We have a good relationship!"

Downstairs, they get into a fight because he didn't want to have sex when she was ready. Uh excuse ME young lady, but weren't YOU the one refusing HIM sex like five minutes ago? You guys have as much synchonicity as two parallel lines running for miles without intersecting. People on other sides of the planet have better chemistry. A blind guy and a deaf girl could connect better.

The mother, even despite hearing this conversation, continues planning her son's marriage to this girl. Are you just really desperate? I guess the fact that Charley, given the rest of the movie, was able to land a girlfriend at all was so mind-fuckingly, rainbow-burstingly amazing to her that she now insists he marry the chick before he screws it all up as she knows he will.

But it's okay – there's a vampire moved in across the street! Charley knows this because he's apparently related to that jackass from From Dusk Til Dawn 2 – think about it; the same vacant stares, the same lack of any likability AND the same paranoid delusions about vampires validated in implausible ways! Plus they both get distracted from sex by what's on TV. Long lost brothers, you have finally found each other.

You can tell by the identical vacant, wide-eyed stares of dumbfounded idiocy on their faces.

Although overall, Fright Night is the better movie. Why? Because the main character in From Dusk Til Dawn 2 never got the hamburger in the face he deserved:

*slow clap*

So apparently the story here is that Charley saw some really hot prostitute going over to the house next door and then saw her later get killed by the guy next door, who is a vampire. He knows he's a vampire because he was spying on the hot naked chick and then saw...well, vampire shenanigans, I guess is the best way to put it!

"I could have had actual sex with a willing girlfriend if I hadn't been such a dick-cheese and spent more time looking out the window! BUT BOOBS! OOOOHHH!"

That's another thing - a big plot point throughout the first act is Jerry the vampire mad at Charley for exposing him. But Jerry has no fucking problem leaving a window open while he's showing off his vamp powers? C'mon, man - get with the program.

The next day he sees a news report that says a “known prostitute” was killed last night – i.e. the same chick Charley saw in the window. But, uh, how does one become a known prostitute to the level of being mentioned as such on the news? How did she get such a reputation? Maybe she has a Facebook page. Yes, I know it's 1985. Shut up.

Charley calls the only black guy in this movie's world, a cop who comes over and investigates with the panache and professionalism I expect from dumb 80s horror movies – he basically acts like a debate moderator. He lets Charley hurl wild accusations and then turns to the guy at the house and goes, “Well, what do you have to say about that?” Dude, nobody's getting points for the strengths of their argument here. Fucking do your job, or go home.

He's my third favorite movie cop. Right behind the guy from Dead Silence and Danny Glover in Predator 2.

After the vampire dude's helper convinces the detective nothing's going on, Charley storms out after the detective screaming like an insane person that VAMPIRES EXIST! Because that's sure to win him over, ya know, like it does most good cops. I love the way the detective screams at him before he gets in the car – he says if Charley bothers him again, he'll lock him up FOREVER!

"I regularly kidnap law abiding citizens who annoy me and lock them up in grimy dungeons with no hope of escape! SO DON'T CROSS ME, BOY!"

Well, I do agree Charley needs to be locked up. But I don't know if you have enough evidence yet. Give me a call sometime, man; I'll help you plant drugs in his room so you have probable cause.

Then Charley goes to find his TV hero, Peter Vincent, who makes a living as a character even less credible than the Crypt Keeper. But for some reason, Charley seems to think this guy is the answer – a fucking TV actor is apparently the most credible expert in this world.

The common expression anyone who interacts with Charley gets within thirty seconds of speaking to him.

Are you going to call Christopher Lloyd next time you need help on your science project that involves traveling back in time? Maybe call Bill Murray next time you need help fighting a ghost?

I guess it's a funny enough scenario for a comedy, but I just have to wonder about Charley's sanity at this point. Maybe the kid who starts believing in vampires in the span of two seconds looking out his window, to the point where he decorates his room with some rather questionable feng shui:

He's a born again idiot.

...maybe it's time to start asking around about which mental hospital has the best security, hmm?

Either way, we can all agree on one thing – the kid playing Evil Ed was clearly directed to act like he was on a manic drug trip with no clear stopping point.

"I'M GONNA NEED DENTAL WORK AFTER ALL THIS TEETH-GRINDING!"

I just don't know what to say about this except that I really want to go back in time myself now and see what exactly director Tom Holland was telling this guy: “Okay, act like you're strung out on heroin, haven't slept in four days and just took a triple shot of Espresso to compensate! And like you were also raised in a den of insane clowns in a traveling circus. Yeah! Now we got this horror movie performance down.” Oh 1985 – never go away.

Also, what's up with Amy's clothing choices? Is she just wearing the entire GoodWill catalog's fall edition? I mean fuck, it's not that cold, woman – you can take off a sweater or two!

But this is all just window dressing for the main plot of Charley, Ed and Amy getting Vincent to come with them and prove the neighbor, Jerry Dandridge (you know, a name I would expect any fearsome vampire to have) is a vampire. They do this by making him drink some fake holy water. When Charley tries to point a cross at Dandridge, which actually makes him flinch and recoil, the rest of the gang tells him don't be silly, etc.

"My, what big fangs you have."

You idiots, all he has to have now is a fucking neon flashing sign saying I'M A VAMPIRE to be any more obvious! How do you not see it?!?

But I'm not one to just bash ONE side of stupidity – I also think it's pretty lame how douchey Charley acts when they're all walking home later, just screaming hysterically about vampires and insulting his supposed “friend” Ed. As much as I think the Ed character was probably a product of drug-induced insanity, at least he's funny. Charley right now is about as likable as pond scum. Yeah man - you insult your friends and sulk like a big crybaby. You won this argument.

So after a dumb joke where Ed pretends to be attacked, screams and worries his two friends, they part ways and then hear him scream again. Even though it's been several minutes and he has no reason to do another joke exactly like the one from before – it's a horror movie convention that they do the whole “boy cries wolf” routine and ignore him. Even though THIS time he really is in trouble!

"It is I, Fabio's obscure vampire cousin, here to put you out of your misery!"

Yes, now he's a vampire. And also the thing everyone remembers about this movie – nobody really cares about the rest of it; just Evil Ed the vampire. He pretty much acts the same as he did before this, which is to say he acts like a man in the throes of a psychotic breakdown. But now he has a voice that sounds like your grandmother after someone dropped a piano on her pinky toe. So there is that...

He just wants a hug. Though I understand if his scenery-chewing abilities frighten you. He could devour you whole, and not just because he's a vampire.

In addition to that wonderful addition to cinema canon, we get a scene where he has a cross burned into his head. I'm sure he'll have fun attending Westboro Baptist Church meetings from now on.

Meanwhile, at a dance club, Jerry Dandridge (they really couldn't give him a cooler name? Even something generic like Lord Darkness or something?) seduces Amy and takes her away – because I guess 1980s glitter and neon lights just make anyone look more appealing. He takes her back to his house and plays Dress Up like a Toga Frat Party:

Only I'm not sure those parties usually had biting involved. Eh, maybe they did.

So I guess Charley and Vincent team up to go to the house and fight Dandridge. Dandridge's henchman shows up and Vincent ends up shooting him in the face – it would have been funny if that was just the end of it, but alas, he's been turned into a vampire now. So like most of the time when you kill a vampire, he melts into Nickelodeon slime. 

Iiiiiiiiiit's slime time!

We get some more really drawn out scenes, with one really memorable one in the mix somewhere – it's when Peter Vincent goes over to Charley's house and finds Evil Ed under the covers of Charley's mom's bed. After some truly silly and hammy lines where he somehow makes the simple explanation of Charley's mom leaving dinner in the oven for him sound like a goddamn theatrical production. Gee. Really reaching for the bottom of the barrel there, huh? Really no better jokes you could have used than “Dinner's in the oven”?



Then Ed turns into a wolfman and fights Vincent that way. Unfortunately, every hammy over the top 80s performance must come to an end.

"Dammit, another incident where I end up alone in a stranger's house with a naked teenage boy."

Good thing, too; if he had kept going, he probably could have created a black hole and sucked up reality into an alternate dimension where this kind of acting is considered Shakespearean. And that world, my friends, is one I tremble to imagine.

When Vincent gets back over to the other house, they have an extremely long fight scene during which time I'm positive the casting crew, makeup artists and others had time to do their nails, read the rest of Moby Dick, work out real estate deals for new houses, write shitty scripts for unmade Fright Night sequels and work on their memoirs for appearing in a film that somehow drags out this story to two hours.

"I will not be killed by Ray Harryhausen scraps!"

I'm sorry, I was dozing off a bit there.

Anyway, they kill him by punching holes in the wall until he explodes and then driving a stake through his heart, which somehow makes him stand up as if he were a yard rake and you stepped on its teeth.

And he also makes squeaky noises if you punch him in the face.

Either way he's dead and the whole thing is finally over. Amy even turns back into a human, which I didn't know could happen – but hey, vampires. They're wacky! I think mostly they just wanted to spare the world more of this "vagina face" style makeup job:

Eugh. Did somebody just fall asleep when they were doing her face?

So then the movie ends with Charley and Amy back in his room having sex again. Because she's such a good catch, he of course gets distracted by the TV again, proving that he has learned nothing and that they are truly made for each other.

Oh ho ho. In their future I see plenty of nights where the deep hatred stewing between them reaches a near-boiling point as she tries to give him a handjob after making dinner and cleaning the house and he shrugs her off without looking at her because hey, Sons of Anarchy is on and he wants to see what happens next. After months of turgid arguments where she cries how he just doesn't understand her and he says what do you want from me, and she says I just want you to listen to me for once, and then he just shrugs her off and goes down to the bar for a drink and to watch the game in the peace of all the other tired, frustrated old men, and he comes back to find that she's trashed the place in a rage, spray painted FUCK YOU on the walls in bright purple, and gone to live at a lesbian nudist retreat for the rest of her life.

At least I think that's how it goes. You can change up a few details if you want. Never let it be said I don't make this blog interactive – you can give 'em a happy ending if you like.

This movie is just silly. It's got a funny premise and the story moves along okay for the most part, but it's too long and the main character is just a douchebag through and through, with no redeeming qualities as a character. I mean, he's just so lame. I really thought this movie could have been way better if it focused on another character entirely - maybe the story from Ed's point of view would have been good, as he's actually a likable character and elicits a little bit of sympathy. Or from Peter Vincent's point of view, as he seems like he has more invested in all of this.

Charley is just a boring, awful little douche, and really just shows the limitations of so many of these kinds of films - focusing on the most boring cardboard cutout of a suburban white kid just to make it "relatable." We could have had a potentially interesting, funny flick, but what do we get?

Eugh. I get it, the point of the story is a kid who thinks his new neighbor is a vampire. Keep him in the story, sure; but at least do us the courtesy of having a better character be the main focus!

The Evil Ed stuff is funny, and there are some other clever bits, but it really does start to drag as it goes on and it should have been trimmed by at least twenty minutes if not more. It's obviously better than The Wicker Man remake which I mentioned earlier, but I really do think most of the fame tends to stem from the Evil Ed performance - it was the most memorable part of the movie. It's a fairly well made film though and I can see how it was popular back in the day. But I'll stick to Re-Animator for my gory laughs.

Images copyright of their original owners; I own none of them.

Mr. Hush (2011)

Mr. Hush is a movie that doesn’t even feel real. This feels like what a space alien would produce if he saw a movie a hundred years ago in some kind of intergalactic museum long after humankind went extinct. And then he went back intending to try his hand at it, but he got lost and ended up wandering in a spatial void for dozens of years, losing his mind in the process. And then he got back to his own universe but was unable to cope with the reality of all that he had lost, being that everything he’d once known had now forgotten him. Eventually, years after descending into a drug and alcohol induced stupor, a tiny lightbulb sets off in his brain and by some miracle, he remembers the movie. While trying to make it, after months and months of blood, sweat and tears put into the project, he accidentally urinates all over it whilst on a boozing spree. The finished product gets shipped back in time and released by some con-artist movie studio as Mr. Hush.

What I’m trying to say is, this movie should come with an ‘abandon all hope all ye who enter here’ sign taped to the front of the DVD box.

Director: David Madison

Starring: Stephen Geoffreys, Brad Loree

IMDb

The movie starts off with some credits – or rather, a PowerPoint presentation displaying the credits of all the people involved in this whole mess. You know, just so you know who to blame. And the over-dramatic music seems to be under the impression this is a movie which deserves over-dramatic music.

We then get some cardboard cut-outs of human beings chatting in a kitchen. How rude of the director to trick these two porn actors into lowering themselves to appearing in this horror movie!

So I guess these two are parents of a little girl named Plot Device. Maybe that isn’t her name, but shut up, you’ll never actually watch this anyway. We get an agonizing over-five-minute scene of these people talking about their Halloween plans. The dad, Holland, says he has fond memories of his father starting Halloween early when he was a kid so he could dress Holland up in two costumes and hit all the houses twice.

This guy was Michael Myers once. As if that is some sort of pedigree...no offense man, I'm sure you're really nice and all, but that just means you can be silent and walk around angrily really well.

Uh, I’m not sure that’s a fond memory, dude. I hate to break it to you, but your dad was probably either robbing those houses or cheating on your mom with the housewives living in them. Your childhood was a lie.

We then get several way too long scenes of the family just being cutesy, doing things with absolutely no substance and wasting the audience’s time with acting and dialogue so bad, you could practically call this an interactive horror film. What do I mean by that? Well, it’s simple – most horror films have characters dying as a plot point. This one, however, makes YOU want to kill the characters, in incredibly violent ways, with how annoying they are. What an interesting, avant garde way to make a horror movie! YOU are the killer! What a fascinating moral grey area with which to look at ourselves through the mirror of film!

What an amazing camera angle ... I love scenes tilted to one side where you can't even fully see all the actors in the shot...

Oh, I’m sorry – am I drowning out the super important scenes of the husband and wife talking about who’s going to be invited to a Halloween party? Not only that, but a Halloween party we never see! Genius writing, I must say. Then we get another near ten minutes with nothing happening. Well, I guess I shouldn’t say that … after all, we get a lot of really important scenes here. Like, talking about how good of a father Holland is. Or about what costumes Holland saw while taking his daughter trick or treating.

So if you were wondering if this was just a compilation of some family’s home videos – the acting levels and camera work certainly would forgive you for wondering that – we do finally get a plot dragging its fat ass through the door. Some creepy guy in a priest outfit comes to the door and asks if he can use their bathroom, saying theirs is the first house he’s seen for half a mile with its lights on – yeah, I really believe THAT, seeing as the movie already said it was Halloween night and these people live in a populated suburban area. Since I gathered that simply from my own powers of reason and deduction, and Holland believes the guy’s story despite that he ACTUALLY LIVES in this movie’s universe, I think it’s safe to say the air in his brain got cut off somehow when he was inside his mother.

I mean seriously. He just lets the guy in and points him to the bathroom, then sits back on the couch and does nothing. What an absolute waste of existence. But hey, maybe it will be okay. Maybe the guy won’t actually do anything at all … oh, wait:

I'd say 'I told you so,' but I have a feeling Holland was passed out drooling on the day they taught 'don't talk to strangers' in Kindergarten.

So, yeah, the wife gets killed and then the daughter gets kidnapped. Holland gives an agonized scream and it COULD have been a sad moment – but come on, if you’re this dumb, how are we really supposed to feel bad? Maybe if the acting was any good. But seriously. This whole thing is just a poorly made PSA for not letting strangers into your house. Oh, the killer sings the “hush little baby, don’t you cry” song? Why? To give the film a reason to be called Mr. Hush? Can’t these goddamn movies just have a killer without some kind of stupid gimmick that makes no sense? I mean there’s just no logic in it. It never has any kind of tie-in to the story. You might as well just have him wear a top hat, a clown nose and singing Happy Birthday. Why? Well, it makes as much sense as what the movie actually has in it.

We then get a bizarre sequence in which Holland goes to the dentist and finds out that there’s been a slight change of personnel:

Yeah, because God knows that’s the final straw! You can kill my wife, you can kidnap my daughter, but impersonating my DENTIST?!? That’s just too far. Oh well; it turns out to be a dream anyway. Which makes way for the best old-man costume I’ve ever seen:

I can believe he gets really worn out and haggard looking, but he doesn't look anything like he did in the opening scenes anymore. I mean at least try for a little realism...

Seriously. Benjamin Button, move over; we’ve got a new prize for old man makeup in films. Praise the Gods who let this effect come to be! Oh okay – it’s terrible in every sense of the word. How are you supposed to take this seriously, you ask? Well, it’s simple: lots and lots of alcohol.

So despite now looking like a reject from a drunk 90s bar rock band in rehab, Holland works at some shitty diner and gets shouted at by his boss. He lives in a tent with some fat homeless man, and mopes around all the time. Here’s another example of how haphazard the directing in this is: for like ten minutes, we have no idea what exactly happened after his wife was killed in the opening scene. Eventually he tells us he’s been looking for his missing daughter for ten years now. Yeah because you know, moping around and spending your time taking peoples’ shifts at a shitty diner will totally give you tons of time to search for your missing daughter. Brainpower! It's not just for the sane anymore.

Another one of the amazing camera angles this movie has to offer us. Truly lopsided shots with one actor badly out of focus despite being right there are where the money is at.

Then he gets invited over to this woman’s house who he works with. She has a daughter who acts as if she had a gun pointed to her head forcing her to do this. I mean there isn’t any other explanation for why she sounds so bored. The woman and Holland have some riveting first date conversation about how the woman’s husband died in the war overseas. Because that’s such great first date talk … “hey, let’s talk about my dead husband and emotional scars!” Well I gotta say, it’s no wonder this woman’s schedule is so full of dates with different men all the time!

Oh, wait. It isn’t? In fact it’s emptier than a Blockbuster store? Color me shocked! But hey, she did find the only guy in the universe willing to play “one up” with her as he tells her the story of how his wife was murdered and his daughter was kidnapped. It’s extra hilarious now because, for any sane woman, this would be a prime advertisement as to why she SHOULDN’T see him ever again! “Oh, he had a kid and wife and let some strange man into the house without even questioning it? Sounds trustworthy to me!” Also, nice job looking for your daughter again, dirtbag – truly sitting in this house flirting with some woman you barely know will help!

They even admit they barely know each other, and yet just a few minutes before, the daughter said the mom talks about Holland all the time. Writing is fun!

I’m nearly 1,500 words into this review now and I haven’t even gotten to the fucking plot of this thing yet. This isn’t a long movie, people! It’s 88 minutes!

I’ll just sum up a lot of the next ten or twenty minutes: just these assholes talking and talking about nothing. They have a seemingly endless dinner scene at the woman’s house that honestly makes me feel like I’m stuck in hell. I mean it; it’s agonizing sitting here listening to these fucking idiotic characters spewing dialogue that sounds like it came from the director’s ass. Is there even anything else in the movie? Or is it just an endless stream of fake-cheery dialogue that not even world class actors could make sound convincing? Talking about the characters’ music tastes and love of certain foods doesn’t count as meaningful dialogue!

Thank fuck the killer comes back in again. Holland sure didn’t learn from the last time he let a stranger into the house. It happens again and the same guy comes in and kills the woman! Geez, what bad luck! The daughter gets kidnapped again too. What a coincidence. And in case you were wondering, no; the “Hush little baby” song still isn’t scary. Try again.

Then Holland gets kidnapped by Mr. Hush and locked up in some dirty basement. Why? I’m pretty sure the movie doesn’t even have an idea. The next thing I know, I’m watching the Mr. Hush guy do some ridiculous song and dance about how he has this vendetta against Holland for an unknown reason. In case you were on the edge of your seat wondering, no. The acting has not improved. I know; I was shocked too.

He comes in, makes some vague threats and then leaves...blood curdling terror, really.

We also get introduced to this other character who will make you wish you were deaf, his voice is so annoying. I guess he’s supposed to be the Renfield to Mr. Hush’s Dracula. And if you thought Renfield was annoying in the original Dracula story … well, this character is more annoying. I’m actually fairly sure he was introduced just to punish the audience for some kind of invisible perceived crime. GET HIM OFF SCREEN.

Apparently 'that weird semi-retarded uncle who comes to your parties and hangs out in the corner by himself' is now a valid movie character for your horror film. This guy was in Fright Night like 20 years ago, but I don't really think that's something to be proud of at all...

They bring in the daughter of that woman Holland started seeing, and tie her up too. She still acts like she’s got a gun to her head forcing her to be in this – can’t you at least try, honey? Nobody’s going to make you put this on your resume. The two bad guys also bring in some other chick and chain her to a table. They’re about to cut her open with a chainsaw, when Mr. Hush pulls back and says “Just kidding! What kind of psycho do you think I am?”

Well gee. It’s great to know he has a sense of humor. And great to know he just keeps a chainsaw around for no reason other than to make that joke … why am I even bothering? There was no coherent thought process to this. We then see exactly what kind of psychos these two are, as they then hook an IV up to the unconscious girl and start sucking her blood that way. These guys are the laziest vampires ever. Why not just put it in plastic McDonalds cups and drink it with straws?

WE NEED BLOOD...and we have to tie people down on tables to get it now. Modern vampires are such pussies.

And yeah, I guess THAT’S what they really were this whole fucking time – vampires. I shit you not. Couldn’t have clued us in on that at a more dramatic time, huh? It had to be in this weird, vague manner? And next time, really sit down a second and think: is having your villains make “I Love Lucy” jokes really a good idea? If your answer isn’t “no,” please put down the cocaine and the bottle of Jack Daniel’s. It’s not good for your creative processes.

So get this – the daughter escapes from her binds by using the grease from the chainsaw to slide her hands out of the chains. Which could be possible, but, one – is the chainsaw really that greasy? Is it just like spilling shit all over the place, and close enough for her to get enough to slide out? Two, SHE DOES IT WAY TOO EASILY. It’s like instantaneous! Then she goes over and just snaps his binds like it’s nothing! These two should be starring alongside David Blaine! Modern-day Houdinis, I say!

Then the daughter escapes and runs down the block to the police station, which apparently is just right around the corner from Mr. Hush’s kidnap torture den. Maybe re-think your lair next time, geniuses. She screams a lot, and finally gets them to come with her. Finally, some kind of competence in this whole thing. Although the cameraman’s fumbling around with the camera makes the whole thing kind of come off like he just accidentally dropped the fucking camera and they were almost out of shooting time for the day so they just went with it. But I’ll take what I can get.

The small of her back truly is what we should be focusing on here...

Meanwhile back at the house, Holland comes across a teenage girl sitting in a room upstairs that he eventually figures out is HIS own daughter Amy, who was kidnapped all those years ago. What was Mr. Hush doing with her this whole time? Why didn’t he just kill her too? Never explained! She barely gets any lines in the movie. The movie doesn’t think she's important. Was Mr. Hush just trying to brainwash her as revenge on Holland? Well, apparently, but even THAT explanation is giving the film too much goddamn credit.

It’s pretty much just brushed over like it doesn’t matter. I mean, it’s ONLY the main motivation for our lead character! Who cares about that anyway? Just sweep it under the rug! Focus on more important things. Like blackface Fright Night here:

Heh heh heh – that’s the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever seen. Who came up with that? It’s just so goofy! That makeup makes it completely impossible to take his whole backstory seriously either. So what, he killed Holland’s grandfather because the grandfather drove over a wooden stick which accidentally impaled Mr. Hush’s girlfriend and killed her? How does that even work? I dunno. What kind of a story is that, anyway? Apparently a good enough one to give more importance over than the actual dramatic (heh heh) conflict of the movie (the missing daughter story). Logic is overrated.

So then a fat black police officer comes in and shouts “Freeze, motherfucker!” It’s not as funny reading it, but watching this guy:

…pointing a gun and shouting “Freeze, motherfucker” at this guy:

…is just about the stupidest, yet most hilarious thing in the whole movie. Whoever came up with that one just redeemed a lot of the torture of the rest of this movie. Good job! So I guess Holland’s daughter stabs Mr. Hush through the heart and kills him. Then they move in with the other lady’s daughter and that fat homeless guy, making for one hell of a sitcom set-up.

Then cancelled after two episodes.

Then the doorbell rings and Holland and both girls let out a huge “NOOOOOOOO!” Because, you know, this movie did for doorbell ringing what Jaws did for sharks.

There’s also a post-credits scene, because the audience was just so blown away by the rest of this movie that we really needed more, right? Some dude walks around in the woods and reveals that he’s actually related to Holland. Which somehow means that Mr. Hush’s minion guy can find him instantly and kill him with a hammer to the face.

Oh go back to the convenience store.

And no, he couldn’t see that hammer coming even though the movie makes it look like the attack came from directly in front of him. I guess he’s got a rare kind of eye cancer that affects his line of sight … no, wait, he’s just a fucking idiot.

This movie was crazy. Pure batshit insanity all the way through. You really can’t even comprehend how bad this movie is until you see it for yourself. In its worst moments it is pure torture, without one redeeming factor – you sit there waiting for something competent to happen and nothing ever does. It’s almost not worth even bitching about since I am really almost positive this was just some kind of home video project that the director blackmailed a studio to actually get a real release out of. The acting, the camerawork, the story – nothing was done well!

But at the same time, there came a certain point when the badness of the entire affair broke through and made way for a wonderful sense of “so bad its good.” There are some pretty hilarious scenes here. A relieving sensation overtakes you as you realize this. And then you will know – that you have been totally lost to the movie. That’s when the men in white coats will come in and cart you away. That, my friends, is the power of Mr. Hush.

Images copyright of their original owners. I do not own any of them nor make any illusions as to such. Check out http://mrhush.net/index.html for more info.