The Woman in Black 2: Angel of Death (2014)

The first Woman in Black movie with Daniel Radcliffe was an excellent real estate ad for those looking to buy old English country homes. The movie itself was a contest by the filmmakers to see how long they could stay awake during endless scenes of Radcliffe walking around in the dark with nothing happening. I guess that description sounded good to somebody, because now we have the sequel, Angel of Death.

Director: Tom Harper

Starring: Phoebe Fox, Jeremy Irvine

IMDb

Co-written with Michelle.

This one is set in World War II, and sure, there was a war going on, kids were in the trenches fighting for their lives and there were unspeakable horrors going on at the concentration camps, but hey, we NEED to focus on this silly haunted house ghost story right now! That's amazing to me. You could do anything – it's a fucking period piece – but instead, we just get the same stuff we're used to from movies set in the plain old modern day. "But they set THIS one in the 40s!" Well, okay. It must be better then.

I mean, surely there were no better story ideas? How about a bunch of soldiers come across a house and stay there for shelter during a storm? Maybe a wounded or discharged officer trying to cope with the war AND the ghost? Nah. We really need another bullied loner kid story and a cliché romantic subplot! That's really original, guys!

On the plus side, it does work as a sleep aid – Michelle actually told me it worked for her that way after the movie ended.

The movie begins with a bombing in London during World War II. Gee, I have never actually seen a movie start off with such an accurate description of how it did at the box office.

Then we get our main character, a woman named Eve Parkins taking a bunch of kids to this house on an island to keep them safe. She is introduced to Edward, whose parents died in the bombings, and who now wears the permanent expression of sorrow more fitting for a kid who's just realized his acting career won't be helped by starring in this.

His loss of his parents could be a positive thing, if he spins it and becomes English WWII Batman. That would actually be awesome. Much more awesome than this movie.

They go to this old house, which gives us more of the movie's favorite thing ever – showing us the house as if we have the option to come to the open house next Tuesday. It's not a very good real estate agent though, as rather than warm and inviting, we just get a broken down house with everything ruined. Thanks for nothing, guys!

"Ugh, the LIGHTS aren't even on?! Worst open house ever."

It turns out the movie did find one use for the World War II setting – pseudo-intellectual dialogue that doesn't really reveal anything insightful about the characters or story or even, really, the times. But what would we do without characters talking about how strong they need to be to survive, which is something that could be from literally any time and any situation? Aren't there better ways to develop characters? Nah. Just throw bullshit hollow platitudes in and call it a day. Back to our bland supernatural lobotomy-fuel horror!

Most of the first hour is just boring as fuck. It's all played out scenes of Edward, who is silent, withdrawn and likes drawing pictures, being bullied by the other kids. Sure, like one girl is sort of nice to him, but even she's just doing the bare minimum any character does in these sorts of movies – every once in a while she'll call out for them to stop being so mean. Whoop-de-fucking-do.

"Teacher, can't we get one decent line or some kind of identifiable character trait?"
"NO!!! As punishment for asking that, you must write I have been a bad child 100 times on the blackboard!"

I mean, I guess we could have had actually well written dialogue for the kids that made you like them, and actually treated them like human beings. Whoa there, bucko, don't get TOO progressive on us there!

There's nothing overly annoying about most of this stuff, but they just do so little with their story. It's like having the ingredients to make a really great five-star cuisine, but then just settling for McDonalds for dinner instead, out of laziness and convenience.

But hey, at least we have a bunch of jump scares! Shitty ones! Ones where you see a glimpse of some Grudge-style white-faced ghost and then the character turns around and sees nothing! Give me a hip, hip, hooray for that!

….Guys? GUYS?!

Oh well. The film trudges on as we see Eve has a tragic past that can easily be explained in a short flashback complete with cliché orangey colors and slow music. Apparently she had a baby and since she wasn't married, the hospital took it away from her – that's really all we get.

This is almost a scary scene. You're closer to hot than to cold. But this is the closest you'll get, I'm afraid. Sad...

It's a story, I'll give them that – but that doesn't mean they did much with it. They didn't really do anything. It's the equivalent of a guy winning the lottery and spending the money incrementally on the same stuff he bought at CVS every day before he won. Complete waste of time.

But at least we have another backstory scene as Mr. Pilot Man, whose name I suppose is actually Harry, stops the car with Eve just to tell her his sob story about how he was a coward in the war and left his buddies to die. This character constantly has a deer-in-headlights look, like he has been locked in a room his whole life waiting for a Pantene commercial that he's been specially bred to star in. So I can believe he's a World War II pilot if I stretch my disbelief far enough!

They find one of the bully kids dead in the thorns outside in the morning, which I guess is really the point when they start to ask questions.

...Or it would be in a movie that had any logical sense. But in this movie, it's just another thing that happens – nobody really questions it or has a big reaction. I guess you could argue they figured that kid just wandered outside and died accidentally – but even then, nobody really seems to care. That child's death is just glossed over like nothing. I realize these kids have all the personality of a pack of playing cards left out in the rain, but that's not THEIR fault – that's the writers' fault at Satan's Movie Studio.

The movie rolls slothfully along, with some more random jump scares and some scenes with scary toys that should have probably been removed by now. But we needed some dismally small attempt to scare the audience, so it's pandering time on a level usually reserved for four year olds watching Barney the Dinosaur. If you think this is scary, you probably shouldn't go Trick or Treating this year; you'll probably have a heart attack.

It's scary because that stuff was found in an abandoned toy factory and ominous lighting was put on it. OoooOOoooohhh...

Eve, meanwhile, gets locked underground with a zombie version of this one doctor character from earlier. He blabbers on about some prophetic sounding nonsense, and once she gets out, she realizes she has to take the kids away from the house, putting together the clues from the nonsense that ghost was mumbling about. Because she is the type of teacher who lets supernatural ghosts and ghouls guide her decisions. Today, they would probably call her crazy and fire her for this, but in the 1940s, she was just being a good teacher.

"You look like a credible person that I should listen to!"

So they recruit Mr. Pilot Coward Man Harry to take them off the island, which he does – he takes them to the greatest place possible, a decoy airfield used to make the enemy bomb them during the war. That sounds like an amazing place to hide a bunch of scared children, doesn't it? Take them on a field trip there, pop open a bottle of wine. Why not?

I also love the contrived romantic scene we get here - Harry reveals that he had been making up a lot of his stories about being a pilot, and that he never made it out of training. Eve's response to this is to kiss him right there. Which just goes to show you - cowardice and lying gets you chicks.

Harry shows off his true nature when the place gets bombed like, a few hours after they arrive (great place to take kids, remember?!), and Edward tries to run back to the island. Harry tries to save him, but pusses out at the last second and instead goes back to the bunker like the weak-ass bitch he is. It would be one thing if we saw the conflict of his character doing this. But this is his face when he's telling Eve about how Edward was lost:

Amazing. The heartbreak is achingly obvious. I feel for this man in a way I've never felt for a movie character.

Truly heart-rending.

Anyway, Eve decides Edward is still alive, and so she goes back to the island and the old house. This results in an extra endurance round of 'boring scenes of searching the house while sad music plays,' where nothing is accomplished except for padding this movie out some more. It's only an hour and forty minutes, but goddamn, does it drag like a deflated wet balloon across a hot blacktop.

The movie also seems to think that rocking chairs are scary. A lot of these kinds of movies do this - see also Paranormal Activity, The Conjuring - they all do this scare. Why? Did a rocking chair traumatize the writers when they were young?

While looking out a window, she sees Edward walking on the frozen marsh toward this giant cross thing sticking out. She somehow makes it out of there super fast, and runs to him, but they both sink into the water. Fortunately, Harry the Pilot Man comes to save them, jumping into the water and helping to pull them out of a pile of corpses. He sacrifices himself in doing this, and they bid him farewell as he slowly dies underwater.

"Bbbrbrrgggbbb.... I knew I should have just gone back to the mainland and started telling women that I saved these two instead of actually doing it! That would have been in line with my character and also kept me alive!"

So, wait a second. Pause the movie. This represents him finally having the balls to do something brave – all movie long and even in his backstory, he's been a coward who survives only by running away when things get tough. Now, he finally does something brave – and HE DIES INSTANTLY the second he does so! What kind of message is that? Clearly, he should have stuck to being a coward, as that was the best way to stay alive.

I guess that ends the whole thing, as we then see that Eve and Edward now live together and Edward is on his way to becoming a normal kid. I mean okay, there IS that one moment where a picture is shattered on his desk, which might allude to the ghost still being around:

But I think that's just proof that picture frames were in short supply during the war, and this one was just poorly made craftsmanship. I turn up my nose at your shoddy handiwork!

Overall, this was lame. No good character, a story that's been done a thousand times over, and no good scares. The settings, like the first one, are nice – but they rarely use them to their full potential. You can tell they're trying to go for atmosphere, but the movie just shoves your face in these long, dull scenes of the characters walking around in the house – atmosphere can only take you so far. You need something else aside from a creepy setting – I know this might be an unrealistic expectation for a modern horror flick, but how about an actual scary scene? How about trying that?

No? Oh well. I can't wait for the third movie set in the 2000s with a bunch of partying college frat bros staying at the house on a dare. Come on, you know that's what they'll do.

Images copyright of their original owners; we own none of them.

Stitches (2012)

It’s nearly impossible to create a good horror movie about clowns. I don’t know why, or have a solution or anything – it just seemed like the best way to open a review of Stitches.

Director: Conor McMahon

Starring: Ross Noble, Tommy Knight

IMDb

This is a “funny” “horror” “film” about a clown cult that brings dead clowns back to life to “finish their jokes” by killing everyone who wronged them in life. I’m guessing that is a common occurrence. After all, with so many clowns dying in the middle of their acts, it’s good they have a failsafe to fall back on! Also, why did I put all those words in quotation marks in that first sentence? If you want to find out, READ TO THE END OF THE REVIEW … or not, because I probably will forget about it and not answer it there either.

We start off this masterpiece of cinema with a clown having sex with his girlfriend. Apparently this is a mating ritual that ends up in tiny clown-faced eggs being formed. But since the egg was on the table already when the scene started, I guess I’m just full of shit.

The clown, whose name is Stitches, goes to a party full of British kids, who hate his act. Well, there’s your problem – the British don’t want clowns; they want dry humor full of people who talk so fast you can’t understand a goddamn word they’re saying! Please direct your hate mail to me at ... ha ha ha, no; don't bother. Only self-important jackasses send hate mail. Instead, just continue on with your life and don't let stuff you read on the Internet fill you with that much hatred.

Apparently the clown is so bad the kids actually just figure out ways to kill him – what a bunch of little psychopaths. Their parents aren’t watching or anything, either; I guess they just think 'clown' is code for 'babysitter.' It doesn't even matter when their kid ends up watching the clown get stabbed in the eye and then gets clown blood all over his face.

Just pretend it's Nickelodeon slime.

There’s a lifetime of therapy for you!

The clown dies, and so the main kid goes to the graveyard later on to see his grave. Again, so glad the parents were watching him this whole time! And that they properly lock their doors at night. Fortunately he doesn’t get killed, molested or kidnapped – he just comes across an underground cult of clowns in the graveyard talking about resurrecting clowns from the dead through making eggs with clown faces painted on them. Didn’t we do this in Sunday school around Easter time? Why is it being brought back in a horror film?

"How dare you interrupt the Insane Clown Posse rehearsal sessions?!"

We then go forward six years, because that’s not a bizarre or awkward time jump at all. Now everyone is in high school, where they all act like complete douchebags. I guess maybe this is supposed to be because of the clown thing, but I just think it’s because these kids are shitheads. They do stupid things like have daydreams in class about the clown ripping out a kid’s testicles and tying them to a balloon.

Good for you, you fit that scene into a movie. You spent money putting that scene, from your fucked up head, into the real world for people to see. What do you have to say for yourselves?!

… Oh. Nothing. Because you can’t hear me – because this is just text on a blog that I’m writing, which the makers of the film will probably not see.

I see how it is. What am I doing with my life?

So I guess they have a party at the main character’s house. The clown comes back to life because this one kid leaves his window open with the invitation on his bed while he’s starting to jerk off to a picture of a girl’s face on Facebook. The invitation then lands on the exact spot of the grave where Stitches the clown was buried – thus bringing him back to life and telling him exactly where to go.

… That’s so stupid I would have to take an entire other review to explain. Most of the review would be taken up with me just asking WHY? Over and over like that. No, what I wanna know is – WHY WAS THAT KID ABOUT TO JERK OFF TO A GIRL’S FACE?

Ohhhhhhh yeah, some girl's face in a picture!

Not even a particularly sexy face or anything, just a generic Facebook selfie. Yearbook photos are more erotic! Jesus, this is fucked.

We get the actual party scenes, and they’re pretty tiresome. Some banging on about liking girls and all sorts of boring drama. Something interesting finally happens when this bully shows up in a clown outfit and scares the shit out of the main kid, who thinks it’s Stitches, back from the grave! The main kid runs out of the house and hides in a treehouse, while the bully gloats about it with his stupid girlfriend. Uh, buddy, I think you’re the asshole in this scenario – you’re the one dressed up like a poor imitation of Pennywise the Clown and crashing a party which likely does not give two shits about your petty vendetta.

Luckily, the real zombie clown comes back and kills the bully. But not before showing off his true magic prowess and pulling a rabbit out of the kid's mouth:

Look at that poor thing, it looks traumatized!

But whatever, who gives a shit about THAT when we have so much more to talk about? I mean, personally I always would rather have boring, puked-up drama about the main wuss trying to get that one chick to talk to him more, rather than another death scene. Which is why there’s so much of that I guess. We also find out an amazing fact about clowns – being dead gives them several special abilities, like making bad puns and removing their nose and having it roll around independently to “sniff out” the scene.

I'm sure that comes in handy a lot when you're trying to sniff out which pair of pants you left your week-old Philly Cheesesteak Sandwich from the grocery store in and don't feel like digging through your laundry. Otherwise it's probably useless.

Anyway, so one of the other guys tries to get with this chick who used to be fat but now isn’t. He accidentally spills his drink all over the bully girl, who then throws a beer can at him and knocks him to the ground. The chick formerly identified as fat then comes over and flirts with him. Bully girl says this line as she’s leaving: “How perfect, a dick and a cunt together.”

Uh, HOW is that a joke? What, because she … named two things they have and two things MEANT to fit together by the laws of nature???

Oh well, it’s still funnier than the other scene going on – where the clown kills some fat kid in a closet, then spends a looooong time disemboweling him and putting his brains in a bowl to eat. So what does the clown say while eating the brains?

“Now that’s food for thought!”

Shakespearean art for sure - look at the drama on that face as he's about to eat the brains! Also, Hannibal Lector is suing you as we speak.

What? No! No, no, no. You can’t just do that! Why would he say that when there’s nobody around? What the fuck’s the point?! I’m seriously just astounded. Hannibal Lector would be so ashamed.

Oh, and I forgot to mention “Dying in Your Arms Tonight” was playing the entire scene, too – while the fat kid literally died in the clown’s arms. I’m sure that’s what Cutting Crew had in mind when they originally wrote the song; a fucking zombie clown eating brains. Fucking genius, really.

After that, the clown kills the bully girl with an umbrella and makes her head explode somehow. I could probably go on and make some jokes about that, but I’m just mystified by what happens immediately after: the clown thrusts his pelvis out, does a little jig and says, “Taken from behind!” while standing over her corpse. Frankly, after watching it, I felt like my head had been blown up with an umbrella.

That pretty much owns the movie. A fuckin’ dead clown doing a pelvic thrust after exploding a girl’s head and then making a dumb joke afterward. And again – HOW is it funny when nobody’s around to hear you make the joke? Isn’t that the whole point? To have people, oh I dunno, HEAR THE FUCKING JOKES?!

I can’t really remember what happens in the rest of this movie. I do remember something about the clown killing some kid by blowing his head up like a balloon:

But really nothing else. They end up figuring out that, to kill the clown, they have to destroy the egg with his face on it. Apparently dead clowns are sort of like mystical genies or something. After some pretty boring slapstick that can’t in any way top the “Taken from behind!” scene, the egg is crushed and the clown evaporates. The main characters go back to their boring lives, with one hell of a story to explain to the dead kids’ parents, and then we get an epilogue where we see another clown piecing the dead clown’s broken egg back together:

What a sad and pathetic life you must have to try and bring back a clown who these kids already killed twice. I mean Jesus fuckin Christ you'd have to be crazy. Literally crazy! They say the definition of insanity 

What? Why? What the fuck was so important about Stitches? Did that one dead clown really merit bringing back to life AGAIN?! Are those kids really just the scourge of all clowndom? Am I really still talking about this silly movie?

No. No I am not. I am not saying another word about Stitches, which is a movie I recommend if IT and Killer Klowns from Outer Space weren’t kitsch enough for you. Now I’m really not talking any more about it. Bye!

Images copyright of their original owners, I own none of them.

Review: The King's Speech (2010) TH

All ears on him

All aboard the Stammer Train: the one that contorts mouths, twists tongues and causes more word jumbling, scrambling and tangling than somebody with a jackhammer pressed against their backside. Don't have a ticket? Well, you can take a stroll alongside this ride as it moves gradually and gives a bird's eye view in. Call it a courtesy, as this is one story that comes with overcoming an impediment that you might want to see as it's not just a bunch of stiff English blokes and blokettes in the '30s expunging emotion and sipping tea.

The Duke of York (Colin Firth) was born into royalty: fancy home, finest dress, chauffeur and most importantly the people see him as a symbol of excellence and expect someone of his stature to take command. Except there's a dilemma: he's got a life long stammer and can't complete a full sentence without locking up or getting stuck. He's being groomed in case he's next in line of succession and has to make public speeches as well as broadcast on wireless radio where every flubber can be painfully heard. The supportive wife Elizabeth (Helena Bonham Carter) wants to bring out the best for her husband and after many failed attempts she gets in contact with a sure-of-himself Australian speech therapist (Geoffrey Rush) who's known for being "unorthodox" and "controversial." His royal highness is mentally sharp and capable, though by this time he's at a point where he just wants to except what he has and move on as his whole life he's been told to just spit it out, not to mention belittled by his own family members including his own father King George V (Michael Gambon) and his brother the Prince of Wales (Guy Pearce).

"The King's Speech" has a dry sense of humor at times. There are some funny conversations between the Duke (or Bertie) and Dr. Logue (Lionel) as they attempt to become equals and break down previously built up barriers. Lionel is candid and direct, and Bertie is reserved and defensive. Some specialists only look at the physical maladies of the impediment, while this one attempts to go back to the root of the cause. They do exercises that include breathing, getting in physical shape and, who could forget, cursing up a storm, as Bertie is able to easily say a string of words when frustrated or mad. King George V has an illness, the Duke's brother has extracurricular activities that he doesn't want to give up and the Nazis are becoming a dark shadow over Europe. The Duke must make a decision to take charge and utilize all those speech lessons for a live address to the nation and a large portion of the world.

This is a journey that extends over a period of years. "The King's Speech" comes with the good, bad, humorous and trying of times. The period had different people, different settings but the situation can be seen as similar to today with someone with a condition that not everyone understands and is often mistaken for being weaker than they really are. Colin Firth made it all come together: he's able to transition between held back to capable without skipping a beat in between. The setbacks he goes through are presented without being overwhelming and nailing the point home. It's treated with care and gives some room for viewers to decide their take. Geoffrey Rush plays it as a visionary who sees life from a different angle. He's cocksure but still has to think on his feet. What makes him likable is he's passionate about what he does, though the patient has to want it. This is not just about speech and politics, but also two men from different backgrounds sharing an unexpected friendship.

Director: Tom Hooper (Red Dust, The Damned United)
Starring: Colin Firth, Geoffrey Rush, Helena Bonham Carter, Guy Pearce, Michael Gambon
Website: IMDB