This pairing of episodes at least picks up the pace enough for it to be exciting, even if it is still utter trash – it's at least exciting trash. We learn in Chapter 70 that Claire has been missing from the spotlight for weeks for an unknown reason. All the TV talking heads are speculating over it and saying she's not fit to lead. These are probably the most realistic parts of the show at this point, when the news anchors are on, though if it were TRULY realistic than they'd have a bunch of Nazis on as guests all the time for “fair and balanced” free speech.
Claire, it turns out, is actually just pretending to be a basket case. She faked some photo with her mascara running and her screaming like she's in horrific grief. The whole thing is like some kind of pastiche of cliches for how a female president would be viewed by the media, and honestly, as much as I hate to say it, it kinda works. It's the only time so far that the show remembered what it's supposed to be, which is complete over the top fiction and fantasy.
Meanwhile, Vice President Mark Usher and a bunch of random people who I guess we're supposed to know all begin to try and invoke the 25th amendment to remove Claire. In real life this hasn't been done even when our president is buddying up with dictators, but here they go shockingly fast to it. I guess that's just how much this country hates women. I can't even say it's totally unrealistic.
Doug Stamper is doing all kinds of fun things like beating up his old therapist and finding out that Frank Underwood's will actually gave everything to him, but it was hidden from him! Woohoo! Isn't it fun being in this circle of characters? It's actually amazing how sexy this makes politics look. In reality it's a bunch of geriatrics screaming at each other. This show soups it up like a fucking James Bond car.
The episode ends with Claire firing everyone trying to 25th amendment her, and instead installing an all-female cabinet for the first time in history. Will this actually be expounded on, or is it good enough just to show a bunch of chicks sitting at a table? I guess we'll find out on the NEXT EPISODE, COMING RIGHT NOW!
'Chapter 71' is kind of like the beginning of a person's descent into Alzheimer's – it's not pleasant, but some parts of it are undoubtedly interesting. For some reason the show focuses a lot on the family drama in the Shepherd family, with son Duncan finding out he was actually the child of the family maid! Dun dun DUN!!! Actually it's super boring and drags this thing down like an albatross. Holy shit is it mundane. Why should I care about this? I'm guessing there could be a payoff later, but honestly I do not trust the show to follow through in a meaningful way. Since, ya know, I don't care about these characters at all.
Claire, meanwhile, has to address talk about the several abortions she's had, telling the nation it's her business and no one else's and they should all fuck off – well, the last part is implied, but with this show, wouldn't it be believable for the president to do that?
The rest of this is just her doing what she does best, scheming to kill everyone. Not a skill they taught in school. She manages to get the Shepherds' scandals out there to where they'll be arrested and Mark Usher, she gets fingered by the FBI for working with the Russians – this is surely something nobody in real life can relate to or that makes them tired or their eyes glaze over. Very fresh subject matter!
Doug Stamper meets with Tom Hammerschmidt, who asks him straight up if he killed Rachel the prostitute from several seasons ago, and if Frank killed Zoe Barnes – it's still amazing to me that this fucking show is still stuck on stuff from the very beginning of its run. Move the fuck on! My favorite part of this scene is when Tom asks Doug about these murders and Doug is like “are we still on the record?” That was way funnier than anything else in this bullshit, hands down.
Then, to cap it all off, House of Cards actually has the balls to rip off the scene from The Godfather where everyone gets murdered. They literally just do that, having Tom Hammerschmidt, that lady Jane and Cathy Durant all murdered in succession. I know it's silly to be amazed at this when the presidency in real life has its share of shady shit going on behind the scenes – but come on. It's literally just The Godfather. I'm surprised they didn't literally show, scene-by-scene, as she cut off a horse head and put it in someone's bed.
Oh, and then she and Doug meet to talk about Frank's will some more. It's baffling that this is a plotline here. Why are you focusing on Frank? I thought the whole point was to shove him out of the way so Claire was in the spotlight. Having all this feminist-empowerment stuff and then just going back to talking about a white sex abuser man is the hardest 180 ever. There are skid marks on the road and your tires are on fire from that. The cops are probably coming.
But don't worry – Claire is PREGNANT now! Plot twist! What?! There are two episodes of this entire show left and man I can't wait until it's all over forever.
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