Well, it seems like the B-movie is finally getting its day among the A-listers, as this is a movie so schlocky and ridiculous that it would have SyFy execs salivating and beating people down like it's Black Friday at a Walmart. Yet this was directed by Jon Turtletaub, of National Treasure and other things, and features actors like Jason Statham, Rainn Wilson and Ruby Rose. It's like a merging of worlds.
This whole thing is about as over the top as you can get and it revels in that like a shark in a bucket of fish guts thrown in the water. I like that it's a Chinese-American co-production though, and that adds some different vibes to it that would be absent in something like Sharknado, for instance. It's Shark Week, too, which is like a national holiday for people who like garbage movies. So that makes it perfect to review this thing now.
Director: Jon Turtletaub
Starring: Jason Statham, Rainn Wilson, Li Bingbing
Co-written with Tony and Nathan.
It starts off with Statham, playing his usual character of a man with 5 o'clock shadow permanently imprinted on his face to the point where I think it might just be a tattoo. They're underwater and playing the usual bad sci fi movie game of 'run around urgently, shout a lot and then it will all seem important,' only they all end up dying somehow except for Statham.
Then we flash forward to years later. A billionaire named Jack Morris, played by Rainn Wilson, arrives to see the underwater station he's bought apparently without asking any questions about anything. He exchanges in the kind of humor where he talks to the daughter of the Chinese ship captain, Suyin, and just makes up gibberish trying to sound Chinese. What is this, a 1980s comedy? Are we going to talk about the difference between men and women next? Maybe show a tired hack gay stereotype, too? I mean, while you're at it...
They're in the process already of sending down a crew on a submarine to explore a yet-unforseen depth of the ocean, which is great, I'm sure. What's NOT great is how the crew, led by Statham's ex-wife because it's always a very small world in the movies, is attacked by a monster down there almost immediately. It's weird that they don't have protocol for this kind of thing or even any way to see what's attacking them. No, seriously, they can't even see it. Is this an ancient submarine from like World War II or some shit? Seems counterproductive.
Anyway, they're all at the brink of death, which frees up a lot more time for the rest of the crew to exchange jokes and cute moments with Suyin's tiny daughter, who for some reason is allowed on a ship where they undergo serious underwater operations? Who knows. I can't judge anyone's parenting. It's 2018 and who even knows what happens. Take your kid to a volcano expedition or to the house of a known serial killer for a cop investigation. Show 'em you're a badass working mom and you don't take shit. Why not?
They go and find Statham's character Jonas Taylor, now living in Thailand as a beach bum who does nothing but drink all the time for the last five years, as far as the movie shows us, yet he still has the ripped body of an action hero. They bring him back for his expertise at getting people killed, so I guess that's what they want to happen. To get everyone killed.
Statham and Suyin, like total loose cannon maniacs, just go off on their own, separately, to try and save the entire ship, with really very little of any plan or anything – fuck it, they're mavericks! They do manage to save SOME people, but not before getting the dude who played Hiro from Heroes killed off in a blaze of flames. Who would've thought this would happen after bringing Statham, who got all his friends killed underwater, on board? They mention the guy a few more times in the movie, but honestly nobody seems broken up. It doesn't even stop their jokey banter. I guess he wasn't that well liked.
So I guess they begin to discover what the monster is, a prehistoric giant shark called the Megalodon, which got its name from how big it is. Their plan is, I guess, to do a series of Jackass-style stunts, pointless and dangerous, where they just send one person down into the ocean in a cage to try and shoot a dart at it to tranquilize or poison it. This is hilarious because you'd think an apparently professional mission they'd have some better way of doing it than putting their own people in mortal danger.
But I guess it wouldn't make for as good of a movie if they had the proper channels and had everyone filling out paperwork and dreaming of that bar at 5 pm to stave off suicidal thoughts. Better to just court death in a more exciting way, on screen. It's amazing how many of them fall off this boat. I think this science team was the one everyone else scoffed at and pretended not to know. “Oh, I haven't heard of THAT division, how weird... anyway, let me show you my college degrees.”
I guess Suyin's father dies, and she has what's probably the most cliché scene I've ever seen where he tells her he was ALREADY proud of her and she can clear her conscience as he dies, yadda yadda. It's pretty lame. I want to see a movie where the dad was like “actually, I'd wanted to go to LA and be a musician, shame I knocked your mom up by accident,” then he gasps and dies.
I mean, I know that sounds horrible, but it isn't like they dwell on his death or even seem to give a shit after the scene ends. Instead they want to focus on other bullshit like a budding cliché romance between Jonas and Suyin. There's one scene where Jonas finds Suyin's daughter and his own ex-wife hanging out, and they both try to tell Jonas to get with Suyin. He says “I think this is the worst moment of my life.” Yes, even worse than the time all his friends died underwater and it was his fault. This movie astounds me. I'm speechless... well except for the words I've written here.
Then Rainn Wilson's character decides to go drop a bunch of nukes in the ocean trying to kill the shark. The only problem is that he's so dumb that he gets a whale instead... so I guess he's a fucking ocean terrorist now. He is like ISIS to whales and sea creatures. Fortunately the actual shark has an acute sense of morality, and eats him instantly after this, because in horror movies, anyone who does a bad thing dies pretty much instantly. That technically means horror movies are more optimistic than real life.
Fortunately, we have a batshit insane climax in which the shark decides to go to the beach. Yes, one of the most popular beaches in the world, Sanya Bay in China, and the shark was just like, yup, better go there and kill a lot of people. It's pointless to point out how the shark wouldn't just go attack people out of nowhere. No, instead I just think it's funny to imagine it going to the beach. Does it pack its towel, sunscreen and beach chair? What if it rains? Will it have been a wasted trip? The Meg is just itching to get in that water though...
From here the movie just gives up any pretense of even trying to be serious, though to be fair, that actually probably happened 45 minutes ago. We get a crazy climax full of people at the beach running, the shark attacking them – there's one time it eats an entire bubble thing with a kid inside it. And there are some helicopter explosions. And Statham is almost eaten a few more times, since he apparently gets a real thrill out of that. What is that, like five fucking times now? Is it a fetish or something? I have to admire that their aesthetic here is just 'THROW MORE CRAZY SHIT IN! NOW! WE NEED IT!'
That really sums up the entire movie. It's insane and hilarious. I actually think it works pretty well at what it wants to be, and it gives the audience exactly what they want, which is insane bullshit with sharks happening. As ridiculous as the plot is, as lame as some of the dialogue is, The Meg actually works pretty well and I can respect it for that.
Image copyright of its original owners, we don't own it.
No comments:
Post a Comment