The Happytime Murders (2018)

This movie fucking sucks. I might as well just put that on the table at the top here. I know, right? A movie that took 10 years to get out of development hell and is about a puppet police detective is bad? Stop the presses.

Director: Brian Henson

Starring: Melissa McCarthy, Bill Barretta

IMDb

Co-written with Tony.

SPOILERS ahead!!!

It's just so, so bad. It's like a distillation of a bunch of horrible jokes you'd hear at a bad comedy open mic vomited onto the screen with a bunch of puppets saying them. It's the kind of humor you'd hear from a 14 year old just trying to be edgy by making a bunch of raunchy jokes with no context or talent to do so. It's every internet troll going 'oh, you don't think these jokes are funny? Stop being so offended, snowflake!'

Like, even from the start, you get a bunch of stupid perverted voice-overs in the main character, Phil's, head as he's investigating this case from a hot woman puppet who says she's being blackmailed. In the first five minutes, she's already promising Phil she'll have sex with him if he solves her case. Calm down, movie, god; we barely have characters defined yet. And they don't waste time getting to a puppet sex shop, either, which only leads to more embarrassingly bad jokes. Get it? It's puppets, but they're talking about super raunchy things! It's funny because puppets are usually for kids! Do you get it yet?

I guess Melissa McCarthy is playing this other detective who has bad blood with Phil. You can tell because they argue and fight like idiot children every time they're on screen, bringing the plot to a screeching halt several times, spitting terrible roast jokes and insults at each other. Some of the backstory is shoved obnoxiously in your face... apparently, years and years ago, Phil was the first and only puppet cop and he was unable to kill this guy who had captured McCarthy. Then everyone thought he did it on purpose because 'puppets don't shoot puppets.' And then puppets were forever banned, by law, from becoming cops anymore.

All of this shit just shows how bad the writers were at crafting a plot. Really, none of it makes sense. What parallels are there to real life at all? Why would they ban all puppets from being cops or think he did it on purpose? It's never really clarified, instead just made out to be some kind of hamfisted racism allegory, because people all hate puppets in this world for some undefined reason. I guess I can see why they didn't care about plot; I mean a bunch of bad puppet sex jokes probably took a long time for them to come up with. They were probably too tired to make a plot.

The plot, if you can call it that, is that someone is killing off the cast of this old show called the Happytime Gang. Though the movie barely focuses on that. Instead we get a super long scene in this biker bar where McCarthy does puppet coke and fires a gun off a few times, then gets mad at some guy for using the word 'bitches' and beating the shit out of him for that. It's cute that this movie is seriously trying to shoehorn in a feminist message when everything else about it is trashy and low-brow as fuck. It's like if someone took a giant steaming shit on your car window but then lectured you about how you shouldn't say 'cunt' because it's rude.

Oh, and there's a hacky romance scene between Phil and his old girlfriend played by Elizabeth Banks where they talk about what could've been. Every fucking thing in this movie is playing the most rancid, tired detective movie cliches straight, without even trying to be satire. It's pretty amazing that I can't even tell if this movie is even a little bit self-aware. It seems to think it qualifies as 'satire' since they're trying to make jokes in the movie, but how does that make sense? Just having eggs and flour separately doesn't mean you've made a fucking cake.

Perhaps the real low point, though it's hard to choose, is the sex scene between Phil and the lady he accepted the case from, in which there's an extended scene of Phil ejaculating Silly String all over the place for far, far too long... I think Silly String should really reconsider how their product is used in media from now on.

I just can't believe any functioning adult wanted to put this in a movie. There are a bunch of people watching, too, including Phil's secretary Bubbles and a bunch of cops, and none of them seem to make much of a big deal out of it. Bubbles even grabs a bunch of cleaning supplies like this happens all the time. That's really why so much of this is such bad comedy – why would she stay around after the first time her boss jizzed all over his own office and made her clean it up? Just because it's a comedy doesn't mean you can just stop making any logical sense. Part of good comedy is people's reactions to bizarre or over the top situations. Here, this gross, weird nonsense is just treated like an every day thing.

The rest of the movie doesn't improve at all. More bad sex puppet jokes, and they throw in some physical gags about McCarthy's appearance for good measure, which is weird since I thought the movie was trying to be all feminist or whatever. But because it's comedy, it apparently doesn't have to make sense, so I guess I'm the jackass here.

Oh, and did you want to see a children's puppet portrayed as a strung out dying drug addict in a grimy, dark hellhole? You're in luck. The movie provides this soul-killing image with the exact amount of tact you've come to expect, which is none. Seriously, what reason would anyone have to want to see that image?

I guess they find out the real killer was that hot puppet lady from the very beginning, because the bullet Phil fired while trying to kill the guy who'd captured McCarthy accidentally killed her father all those years ago. It's a real stretch. But they make it work by not trying to give this character a personality in any way. Phew! That solves that problem!

The movie ends, finally and mercifully, with Phil asking out his secretary Bubbles, despite there being no romantic connection between the two at all for the entire movie. Does she even want to go out with him after she's had to literally clean up his jizz at the office multiple times? I guess it's consistent in that it's totally unfunny garbage just like literally every single other frame of the movie.

The jokes were bad, the story was bad, I really didn't see even one thing to like here. It's been a while since that happened. The humor in this is solely based on stupid juvenile shock value shit that is bad even by that standard. There's basically one joke idea: puppets swearing and talking about dirty things = funny. And it can't even do that remotely well. Everything in this is overly simplistic low-brow crap and doesn't try to use its creativity for anything but the easiest, lamest jokes possible.

It's actually kind of amazing how truly worthless this movie is, and I really doubt there will be anything worse this year. But if you like terrible jokes and no plot or character, go nuts with The Happytime Murders!

Image copyright of its original owners, we don't own this.

The Meg (2018)

Well, it seems like the B-movie is finally getting its day among the A-listers, as this is a movie so schlocky and ridiculous that it would have SyFy execs salivating and beating people down like it's Black Friday at a Walmart. Yet this was directed by Jon Turtletaub, of National Treasure and other things, and features actors like Jason Statham, Rainn Wilson and Ruby Rose. It's like a merging of worlds.

This whole thing is about as over the top as you can get and it revels in that like a shark in a bucket of fish guts thrown in the water. I like that it's a Chinese-American co-production though, and that adds some different vibes to it that would be absent in something like Sharknado, for instance. It's Shark Week, too, which is like a national holiday for people who like garbage movies. So that makes it perfect to review this thing now.

Director: Jon Turtletaub

Starring: Jason Statham, Rainn Wilson, Li Bingbing

IMDb

Co-written with Tony and Nathan.

It starts off with Statham, playing his usual character of a man with 5 o'clock shadow permanently imprinted on his face to the point where I think it might just be a tattoo. They're underwater and playing the usual bad sci fi movie game of 'run around urgently, shout a lot and then it will all seem important,' only they all end up dying somehow except for Statham.

Then we flash forward to years later. A billionaire named Jack Morris, played by Rainn Wilson, arrives to see the underwater station he's bought apparently without asking any questions about anything. He exchanges in the kind of humor where he talks to the daughter of the Chinese ship captain, Suyin, and just makes up gibberish trying to sound Chinese. What is this, a 1980s comedy? Are we going to talk about the difference between men and women next? Maybe show a tired hack gay stereotype, too? I mean, while you're at it...

They're in the process already of sending down a crew on a submarine to explore a yet-unforseen depth of the ocean, which is great, I'm sure. What's NOT great is how the crew, led by Statham's ex-wife because it's always a very small world in the movies, is attacked by a monster down there almost immediately. It's weird that they don't have protocol for this kind of thing or even any way to see what's attacking them. No, seriously, they can't even see it. Is this an ancient submarine from like World War II or some shit? Seems counterproductive.

Anyway, they're all at the brink of death, which frees up a lot more time for the rest of the crew to exchange jokes and cute moments with Suyin's tiny daughter, who for some reason is allowed on a ship where they undergo serious underwater operations? Who knows. I can't judge anyone's parenting. It's 2018 and who even knows what happens. Take your kid to a volcano expedition or to the house of a known serial killer for a cop investigation. Show 'em you're a badass working mom and you don't take shit. Why not?

They go and find Statham's character Jonas Taylor, now living in Thailand as a beach bum who does nothing but drink all the time for the last five years, as far as the movie shows us, yet he still has the ripped body of an action hero. They bring him back for his expertise at getting people killed, so I guess that's what they want to happen. To get everyone killed.

Statham and Suyin, like total loose cannon maniacs, just go off on their own, separately, to try and save the entire ship, with really very little of any plan or anything – fuck it, they're mavericks! They do manage to save SOME people, but not before getting the dude who played Hiro from Heroes killed off in a blaze of flames. Who would've thought this would happen after bringing Statham, who got all his friends killed underwater, on board? They mention the guy a few more times in the movie, but honestly nobody seems broken up. It doesn't even stop their jokey banter. I guess he wasn't that well liked.

So I guess they begin to discover what the monster is, a prehistoric giant shark called the Megalodon, which got its name from how big it is. Their plan is, I guess, to do a series of Jackass-style stunts, pointless and dangerous, where they just send one person down into the ocean in a cage to try and shoot a dart at it to tranquilize or poison it. This is hilarious because you'd think an apparently professional mission they'd have some better way of doing it than putting their own people in mortal danger.

But I guess it wouldn't make for as good of a movie if they had the proper channels and had everyone filling out paperwork and dreaming of that bar at 5 pm to stave off suicidal thoughts. Better to just court death in a more exciting way, on screen. It's amazing how many of them fall off this boat. I think this science team was the one everyone else scoffed at and pretended not to know. “Oh, I haven't heard of THAT division, how weird... anyway, let me show you my college degrees.”

I guess Suyin's father dies, and she has what's probably the most cliché scene I've ever seen where he tells her he was ALREADY proud of her and she can clear her conscience as he dies, yadda yadda. It's pretty lame. I want to see a movie where the dad was like “actually, I'd wanted to go to LA and be a musician, shame I knocked your mom up by accident,” then he gasps and dies.

I mean, I know that sounds horrible, but it isn't like they dwell on his death or even seem to give a shit after the scene ends. Instead they want to focus on other bullshit like a budding cliché romance between Jonas and Suyin. There's one scene where Jonas finds Suyin's daughter and his own ex-wife hanging out, and they both try to tell Jonas to get with Suyin. He says “I think this is the worst moment of my life.” Yes, even worse than the time all his friends died underwater and it was his fault. This movie astounds me. I'm speechless... well except for the words I've written here.

Then Rainn Wilson's character decides to go drop a bunch of nukes in the ocean trying to kill the shark. The only problem is that he's so dumb that he gets a whale instead... so I guess he's a fucking ocean terrorist now. He is like ISIS to whales and sea creatures. Fortunately the actual shark has an acute sense of morality, and eats him instantly after this, because in horror movies, anyone who does a bad thing dies pretty much instantly. That technically means horror movies are more optimistic than real life.

Fortunately, we have a batshit insane climax in which the shark decides to go to the beach. Yes, one of the most popular beaches in the world, Sanya Bay in China, and the shark was just like, yup, better go there and kill a lot of people. It's pointless to point out how the shark wouldn't just go attack people out of nowhere. No, instead I just think it's funny to imagine it going to the beach. Does it pack its towel, sunscreen and beach chair? What if it rains? Will it have been a wasted trip? The Meg is just itching to get in that water though...

From here the movie just gives up any pretense of even trying to be serious, though to be fair, that actually probably happened 45 minutes ago. We get a crazy climax full of people at the beach running, the shark attacking them – there's one time it eats an entire bubble thing with a kid inside it. And there are some helicopter explosions. And Statham is almost eaten a few more times, since he apparently gets a real thrill out of that. What is that, like five fucking times now? Is it a fetish or something? I have to admire that their aesthetic here is just 'THROW MORE CRAZY SHIT IN! NOW! WE NEED IT!'

That really sums up the entire movie. It's insane and hilarious. I actually think it works pretty well at what it wants to be, and it gives the audience exactly what they want, which is insane bullshit with sharks happening. As ridiculous as the plot is, as lame as some of the dialogue is, The Meg actually works pretty well and I can respect it for that.

Image copyright of its original owners, we don't own it.

I Don't Like Hanging Out With Nerds

...or, "How Time Corrupted the Nerds."

I remember being a kid in the late 90s and early '00s and getting picked on for being something of a nerd. It was already starting to turn over, though, with the culture becoming more and more mainstream the older I got. It wasn't like I got beat up for liking Batman. I got made fun of here and there and sometimes, occasionally, it was because I had some sort of nerdy stuff around, but more often than not it was just because kids are fucking rude and they would grasp for any straw. So maybe I'm not the be all, end all of experience here, but I'm doing this anyway just because I'd love to say that being a nerd doesn't seem like all that proud of a thing now.

Honestly, I don't even like hanging out with nerds anymore. I think too often, that turns into a pissing contest of purity. You say you like a thing and then some idiot has to chime in with “YEAH BUT DID YOU SEE THIS OTHER THING? IF NOT THEN I JUST DON'T SEE HOW YOU'RE A REAL FAN!” And it's like, Jesus, turn it down, buddy. It's just a movie. Not like we're at the Conference of Nations here. If I like a thing, that just means I like it. Not looking to join the fucking debate team here.

And in recent years, with the ballooning of Marvel, Star Wars and Disney into a grotesque blob devouring everything in sight, it's hard to be sympathetic to this kind of aggro fan posturing. It's cool to like the stuff, I've enjoyed some of it, but at some point you're also basically getting pumped up and angry defending the 1% of entertainment. You're basically like “don't be so mean to this untouchable billionaire behemoth!” This especially applies to Star Wars. Jesus, the bitching I've heard and read about these new movies, you'd think they had paid for these people's housing and food needs for years.

That isn't even the worst of it. You hear worse things from women who try to enter the nerd kingdom's gates. Awful tales of sexism. And I'm glad I don't have to suffer the annoyances of any minority trying to wade into the public discourse. Just look at any time Marvel or DC tries to introduce a new incarnation of a character who's black or a woman or gay. Online, things have gotten perilously toxic at times, such as the 'Gamergate' fiasco that really showed how awful and toxic these people were, sending death threats, screaming misogynist garbage.

Nerds got to the top and then proceeded to act like the exact people they hated, discriminating and pushing people around. One thing nerds love is a quote from a nerdy movie used in some other context. So for me this whole thing is like when Harvey Dent said, “You either die, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.” The whole predicament is basically the story of so many “I'll show them” nerd fantasies. We all had 'em, the whole idea of “they're making fun of me now but I'll get rich and punish them someday,” but it's become a reality for some people. There's a NYT editorial that goes into this with more finesse than I could, about people like Elon Musk. There's a dark side to every kind of person, and any ideal is somewhat corruptible, unfortunately.

I get how it happens. Nerd-dom is basically just liking something in a real, intense way. You don't just watch or read or play the thing passively, but actively consume, sucking up every morsel of information like Kirby from Smash Brothers (see, another reference). A lot of the time, that kind of devotion comes with a loneliness or something missing in real life, and a lot of young teenagers have that because life is tough to put together when you have almost no autonomy. But most of us grow out of that and become productive and well-rounded adults, to some extent anyway.

But some people don't grow out of it, and that portion seemed to grow more vocal as the internet got bigger. They turned their loneliness and social ineptitude into a weapon. Who knew how they'd gotten there? They just never seemed to click with real life. Never fit in. I guess we used to laugh at people like this for being fat Star Trek cosplayers who lived in their mom's basement. Now, I guess they're the same people, except they're angrier through a lot of time spent behind a screen reading conspiracy theories and getting angry at 'PC culture' for leaving them stranded in the dust. But the world has never been totally fair and at some level, if you're born into a first-world country to a family with money to afford the internet for you to read those conspiracy theories, you have to take some responsibility.

So I barely ever even refer to myself as a nerd. I enjoy a lot of 'nerd media' and don't care if people know it, but I stop short at calling myself one. I don't like the context anymore. I think it's given birth to some toxic shit.

And honestly, with the proliferation and mainstreaming of nerd culture, what do bullies even make fun of kids in school for anymore? Is it back to race, socioeconomic class, the simpler stuff of days of yore? I dunno.