House of Cards Season 6: Chapter 72 / 73

Well, it's here, the final two House of Cards episodes and the removal of the metaphorical ulcer on all of our subsconsciouses. I know some people like the show, but fuck it, this isn't about them. I am glad this is show is done. Now all that's left is for me to pump out some paragraphs detailing exactly what was so strange and silly about these episodes...

So apparently it's several months in the future, and Claire is pregnant and has a 70% approval rating as president. Wow, I knew this was fantasy, but goddamn is that a stretch. The Russian troll farms alone would've crucified her by this point. Let alone the mommy's boys who live in their parents' basements and consider a day of posting on Reddit to be productive. I guess there is some kind of plot about an app that invaded people's privacy, which Claire gets credit for slamming – but that's all very boring and ends up leading precisely nowhere.

Another thing that leads nowhere is the Shepherds' storyline, with Greg Kinnear's character getting accosted by a random girl at an event for polluting the city with chemicals. It really has no relevance. I guess they had to fill up screen time. I would've preferred if they had put in one of those old Windows maze screensavers instead. Those were cool and more engaging than this.

Not all is peachy, though, as apparently Doug Stamper is on the run, only surfacing from random gas stations in the country to call Seth Grayson, another old character nobody cares about, and tell him a bunch of Frank Underwood diary quotes from the beginning of the fucking show, about characters like Zoe who have long since been dead. This show expects us all to be fucking historians. Jesus – if you don't have much to focus on now, maybe your show needs work if all you have is stuff from six years ago.

Oh, and would Frank have kept a diary? He didn't seem like the type. Not with all his machinations. But who am I to criticize obviously flimsy plots you made as a half-assed attempt to cover up for Kevin Spacey's real life misdeeds? You do what you gotta do to get by, show, even if it is as shameless as possible. We all have those times.

Hm, what else have I missed? Oh yeah – the plot to assassinate Claire, orchestrated by Annie Shepherd and a bunch of other people, sitting around a board room in the middle of the day like goddamn supervillains. It's so insane, even though I am positive people will try and spin this as “oooOOOOOoooh, this happens in real life all the time!!” I dunno. I just love the line where Annie says “What are we going to do about the conspiracy nonsense when that comes up?” Conspiracy nonsense? YOU ARE CONSPIRING RIGHT NOW. THAT IS HAPPENING. I get what she meant, but damn do I love some of these goofy-ass lines.

The episode ends with an utterly fucking insane moment of Claire sitting in a dark room and singing a horrific nursing rhyme... “Row row row your boat / gently down the stream / If you see a crocodile / don't forget to scream.” It's literally like a fucking horror movie. God this show has lost its fucking mind.

In 'Chapter 73,' everything just starts unraveling. News of the potential assassination has reached Claire, and she's in panic mode, beginning to talk about nuking Russia or something. It's all very insane and I guess the show is playing up her pregnancy and how people feel about a pregnant woman. It's sort of trying to make a statement? Maybe? I dunno. It could be worse at it, I'll give you that – but I hardly think this is a very insightful message or anything. Not like House of Cards will be what people reach for in terms of feminist critique later.

It's just that they're not really saying anything. They have people reacting poorly to Claire because she's pregnant. Big whoop. What do you really have to say in deeper layers beyond 'people are biased against pregnant women's ability to lead'? Claire even makes a big speech about “pre-conceived notions.” Actually, she's had several lines this season like that, just direct and on the nose. It would be fine if it were better written or had more of a point, but there's just nothing to hook you in beyond that and so it feels like preaching. Just saying “Women are treated bad” out loud isn't really a feminist critique so far as writing a fictional TV show goes.

The issue with the show now is that it's gotten rid of every interesting character. Most of the ones focused on the last two seasons – Jane Davis and the Shepherds and Mark Usher – there's nothing interesting about. It's like if they just started following around random accounting people in an office. I don't give one single shit about these characters.

So I guess if you're gonna go out, there are worse ways than a bunch of scenes of a pregnant President threatening to nuke everyone. It's actually kind of funny, I'll give them that. She orders everyone out of the White House pretty much, intending to try and isolate herself from the impending assassin.

Doug Stamper shows up, probably the most obvious candidate for an assassin, but he's just allowed to walk around wherever I guess. This is the same White House where Frank pushed a woman down the stairs and into a coma in broad daylight – confirmed.

He and Claire have a talk and it's revealed that Doug was actually the one who killed Frank! My god! It's barely elucidated on as to why this happened. There's enough drama in this scene to be some kind of bargain-basement version version of Shakespeare. All the overwrought emoting, but none of the talent. I guess you got to work with what you have. It is almost like some kind of strange Scooby Doo episode reveal. "I would've gotten away with killing Frank if not for the show's lame writing!"

Then Doug stabs her in the neck, and she stabs him in the gut, killing him. Who knows how this is going to play when the general American public finds out that a woman killed a man in the White House? I mean, for real life, that still wouldn't be shocking. We'd be like 'big deal, last week Trump took a shit on the floor of the Iranian embassy on live TV.' But in this universe I'm sure it's at least a bit of a feather-ruffling.

So, I guess in general, this was how I expected House of Cards to end when I started watching it years ago. No complaints here! Since this episode aired, though, Kevin Spacey was formally charged with sexual assault for the first time and he released an utterly insane video where he acted as Frank Underwood and blathered on about how he wasn't dead and every accusation against him is a lie. So I guess we can brace for THAT spinoff – wouldn't you find it morbidly curious to watch him try to make a sequel to House of Cards on his iPhone where he tries to make it actually legit? 'The REAL story' or some such garbage? That would be fucked up, but interesting in the way a car crash is.

At every fucking turn this show was less dramatic than real life. It was completely devoured by reality. Every goddamn time. If it was a better show than the awful garbage it became in its final seasons, I might have even felt bad.

Images copyright of their original owners, I own none of them.

House of Cards Season 6: Chapters 70 / 71: Strap In For The Ride, Kids

This pairing of episodes at least picks up the pace enough for it to be exciting, even if it is still utter trash – it's at least exciting trash. We learn in Chapter 70 that Claire has been missing from the spotlight for weeks for an unknown reason. All the TV talking heads are speculating over it and saying she's not fit to lead. These are probably the most realistic parts of the show at this point, when the news anchors are on, though if it were TRULY realistic than they'd have a bunch of Nazis on as guests all the time for “fair and balanced” free speech.

Claire, it turns out, is actually just pretending to be a basket case. She faked some photo with her mascara running and her screaming like she's in horrific grief. The whole thing is like some kind of pastiche of cliches for how a female president would be viewed by the media, and honestly, as much as I hate to say it, it kinda works. It's the only time so far that the show remembered what it's supposed to be, which is complete over the top fiction and fantasy.

Meanwhile, Vice President Mark Usher and a bunch of random people who I guess we're supposed to know all begin to try and invoke the 25th amendment to remove Claire. In real life this hasn't been done even when our president is buddying up with dictators, but here they go shockingly fast to it. I guess that's just how much this country hates women. I can't even say it's totally unrealistic.

Doug Stamper is doing all kinds of fun things like beating up his old therapist and finding out that Frank Underwood's will actually gave everything to him, but it was hidden from him! Woohoo! Isn't it fun being in this circle of characters? It's actually amazing how sexy this makes politics look. In reality it's a bunch of geriatrics screaming at each other. This show soups it up like a fucking James Bond car.

The episode ends with Claire firing everyone trying to 25th amendment her, and instead installing an all-female cabinet for the first time in history. Will this actually be expounded on, or is it good enough just to show a bunch of chicks sitting at a table? I guess we'll find out on the NEXT EPISODE, COMING RIGHT NOW!

'Chapter 71' is kind of like the beginning of a person's descent into Alzheimer's – it's not pleasant, but some parts of it are undoubtedly interesting. For some reason the show focuses a lot on the family drama in the Shepherd family, with son Duncan finding out he was actually the child of the family maid! Dun dun DUN!!! Actually it's super boring and drags this thing down like an albatross. Holy shit is it mundane. Why should I care about this? I'm guessing there could be a payoff later, but honestly I do not trust the show to follow through in a meaningful way. Since, ya know, I don't care about these characters at all.

Claire, meanwhile, has to address talk about the several abortions she's had, telling the nation it's her business and no one else's and they should all fuck off – well, the last part is implied, but with this show, wouldn't it be believable for the president to do that?

The rest of this is just her doing what she does best, scheming to kill everyone. Not a skill they taught in school. She manages to get the Shepherds' scandals out there to where they'll be arrested and Mark Usher, she gets fingered by the FBI for working with the Russians – this is surely something nobody in real life can relate to or that makes them tired or their eyes glaze over. Very fresh subject matter!

Doug Stamper meets with Tom Hammerschmidt, who asks him straight up if he killed Rachel the prostitute from several seasons ago, and if Frank killed Zoe Barnes – it's still amazing to me that this fucking show is still stuck on stuff from the very beginning of its run. Move the fuck on! My favorite part of this scene is when Tom asks Doug about these murders and Doug is like “are we still on the record?” That was way funnier than anything else in this bullshit, hands down.

Then, to cap it all off, House of Cards actually has the balls to rip off the scene from The Godfather where everyone gets murdered. They literally just do that, having Tom Hammerschmidt, that lady Jane and Cathy Durant all murdered in succession. I know it's silly to be amazed at this when the presidency in real life has its share of shady shit going on behind the scenes – but come on. It's literally just The Godfather. I'm surprised they didn't literally show, scene-by-scene, as she cut off a horse head and put it in someone's bed.

Oh, and then she and Doug meet to talk about Frank's will some more. It's baffling that this is a plotline here. Why are you focusing on Frank? I thought the whole point was to shove him out of the way so Claire was in the spotlight. Having all this feminist-empowerment stuff and then just going back to talking about a white sex abuser man is the hardest 180 ever. There are skid marks on the road and your tires are on fire from that. The cops are probably coming.

But don't worry – Claire is PREGNANT now! Plot twist! What?! There are two episodes of this entire show left and man I can't wait until it's all over forever.

Images copyright of their original owners; I own none of them.

House of Cards Season 6: Chapters 68 / 69: The Insomnia Cure Episodes

Honestly, I had a hard time reviewing these episodes. They're pretty boring. The show has a tendency to fill up its runtimes with a lot of navel-gazing political back-channels and “drama” solely manufactured from everyone backstabbing each other and talking about how they want to backstab each other. I fell asleep during both of these episodes, and I don't think it was just me being tired. It's a dull slog of a time.

I guess there's the return of the Tom Hammerschmidt character, who has been in this since season 1 and trying and failing to put together any clues that could bring down the Underwoods. Buddy, if you've been at it this long and still can't do it, maybe this wasn't ever the job for you. This season we first see him losing his temper at his job over them not investigating Frank's death enough. He screams in the middle of the office that they're barely even doing journalism so much as “feeding pigs from the trough” with viral content. He's right, but man is it a hilarious outburst that would demand to go viral for how funny it is if it were real. I'd play that a few times.

Then there's also Cathy Durant, recovered from the time Frank pushed her down the stairs in the middle of the White House in broad daylight – which was pretty much the show's crown jewel of stupidity and one of the worst moments on TV I can think of lately. Claire, feeling that she's going to testify against her, wants Doug Stamper to have her killed. God, this shit is like a really poor mafia story these days. Like The Godfather, but written by a half-assed hack airport thriller writer.

You know, maybe it would be more interesting to have character development rather than just everyone constantly scheming to kill one another. Look at the wild characters we're dealing with in real life politics. Imagine all the neuroses and seething resentments and weird psychoses you could play with if you mirrored THAT. But nah better just stick to the same old soulless tricks! At least it's a decent sleep medication. I did need to catch up on that.

Meanwhile the Shepherds continue to try and manipulate Claire, mostly using Vice President Mark Usher, who is mostly dull here despite the guy's obvious acting chops. More angry people shouting! Greg Kinnear is way too good to be in this. They just didn't give him any interesting lines or character traits. There's some talk about a Supreme Court justice, and about a war in the Middle East, and none of it is more interesting than real life politics – the show's constant failure now.

There's also Janine Skorsky, another journalist character who used to be interesting but now gets like one episode per season. Her main role is looking like a terrified deer in headlights all the time, it seems like. She's driving around with Hammerschmidt and the two of them are talking about the coincidence of all these bodies piling up around the Underwoods, and how it all seems to connect. OH REALLY? DOES IT ALL CONNECT? TELL ME MORE, SHERLOCKS! REGALE ME WITH YOUR HYPOTHESES AND GUESSES ON WHETHER OR NOT THESE OBVIOUS CRIMINALS ARE ENGAGED IN CRIMINAL ACTIVITY.

It's revealed, I guess, that Cathy Durant isn't really dead after all! OOOoooOOOO! Only even that doesn't get me excited. These aren't characters so much as they are chess pieces and pawns. It's not engaging fiction.

I can't even describe accurately how boring these episodes were. I barely even got to make jokes. There was so little funny here. I guess I'll continue from here and hope that the boredom doesn't lower my heart rate to the point where I die.

Image copyright of its original owner; I don't own it.

House of Cards Season 6: Chapters 66 / 67

Well, I've been watching House of Cards since season 1, and in that time I've had the incredible privilege of witnessing TV get better and better and moving beyond this ridiculous show. All while real world politics getting more insane every day rendered it completely irrelevant. So here's some reviews of the final season after star Kevin Spacey was ousted due to real-life sexual harassment accusations!

I think it's safe to say there are SPOILERS in these.

The first episode 'Chapter 66' doesn't waste any time, with Claire Underwood as the first female president of the United States. She's trying to establish herself as dominant by doing things like having all the death threats against her read aloud in the oval office. I'm sure that's like a lullaby to her calloused blackened soul. But then again it's not like we get any character development – we haven't in this show for years now. The closest we get is when, while doing one of the show's trademarked facing the camera speeches, she says that “everything Francis told us was a lie” over the course of the show. No real elaboration yet, not even a hint of it, but it SOUNDS cool. Oh, hey, that's most of this show since like season 3.

Then there's one scene where she finds the bats in the walls of the White House that she thinks represent her husband Frank. Then going outside and releasing it while giving a speech about being free. Which, I'm sure will give some jobs to people to fix that wall and to stomp out the bat problem apparently in there... see, who says the first female president wasn't going to get anything done?

Oh and she also gets into a weird pointless thing with a black military girl who asks her if she'll have a plan that won't get them all killed – it's a legitimate question, and Claire responds haughtily and dismissively with “would you have asked me that if I were a man?” It's weird that this is trying to be progressive in a gender way but also reinforces the old 'rich powerful white woman talks down to a person of color' thing at the same time. Sort of a kaleidoscopic labyrinth and you can't tell how to feel about it. But you be you, show!

There's no shortage of manufactured drama, either – in one scene, barely a half hour in, someone attempts to assassinate her by shooting through her car window. Jesus! This show doesn't let up. Being president truly is an exciting job where most of it consists of espionage and dodging bullets. Being president is basically just being John McClane.

There's also the Doug Stamper character, who is now in a mental institution talking to therapists – truly an innovative idea we've never seen before. And Greg Kinnear and Diane Lane return as a pair of psychopathic rich donors called the Shepherds, who really want Claire to sign this de-regulation bill and she won't do it. All of this is pretty tired for the show, but not too bad yet. If anything it's just funny how every scene is really just a bunch of angry people shouting at each other. Nobody is happy on this show. Ever. Every scene, their scowls are practically choreographed.

In 'Chapter 67' we start to get a bit more of a story. Claire, while in a town that has been evacuated for a chemical leak, finds Frank Underwood's ring on a bed in a house there. She deduces, apparently correctly, that someone has dug up Frank's grave in order to get the ring just to leave it on the bed in a random house! Dun dun dun! Apparently Greg Kinnear's character, Bill Shepherd, did this. He also shot at her in the first episode. And he was also breaking into her house at one point. This guy really wants that dumb bill passed. Because in House of Cards land, this behavior apparently doesn't even warrant a strange look or a turn of the head.

Meanwhile his sister, Annie, is apparently one of Claire's childhood friends. They have a tense conversation about how they both slept with Frank and how he wasn't that great at having sex. For this to be a serious conversation between the two main female characters is just... uh, hilarious, to put it lightly. Like, hey, what else would a woman president and a powerful female adversary EVER have to talk about but sex? They also have a weird sort of yoga scene with their shoes off. Show, if you want us to take you remotely seriously, you gotta do this exact scene but with men next time. Just do that.

There's also the BIG REVEAL of what really happened to Frank that we never saw. Claire tells us, in one of those trademarked scenes of her facing the camera alone again, that he came back to the White House after being ousted and shouted drunkenly at her, forcing her to retreat to her room. Then she found him dead the next day in his bed. So it was “Them,” a shadowy cabal, she says, that killed him! Conspiracy! Sound the sirens and ready the bunker!

Uh, show, are you sure it's a good idea to release a plotline in this political climate about a deep state that secretly controls and can kill the higher-ups in the White House? There are some real cases like Pizzagate where this stuff was taken too far. Not a great message. But who am I kidding? The people who believe that stuff would've already been bored to sleep by this incompetent show.

The rest of the episode is mostly boring stuff about de-regulation policies. Because this show, existing in the current American political climate, thinks de-regulation policies is what would be firing up the cylinders on talk news shows in a fictional world. Cute. Almost quaint.

Anyway, tune in soon for more of the 'being president is basically being an action hero' show! Who knows what wacky hijinks will ensue? I've got six more episodes. Send help.

Pictures credited to their original owners; we don't own them.

The House That Jack Built (2018)

This is a movie that had people walking out furious and sickened during festival screenings, so of course I had to see it. And of course it was directed by acclaimed provocateur Lars von Trier, whose films are often considered either brilliant (by eccentric film nerd standards) or hot, terrible garbage by everyone else. So all in all, this movie about an insane serial killer is a perfect storm for a review here.

Director: Lars von Trier

Starring: Matt Dillon, Riley Keough

IMDb

So why did all those people walk out of this, anyway, you might be asking? Well, because the movie is basically wholly comprised of trolling and edge-lord stuff. It's like a peek into the mind of a 4chan board or something, only done with some actual humor and good directing. I couldn't stop watching just because I had no clue what was going to happen next. It's basically like Dexter if Dexter had a lot to say about how much he hated women. It's American Psycho with no sense of irony.

It's a completely immoral movie, too, which is often the worse sin for some people. You can have some blood and guts in it, but if a movie seems to be on the Right Side™ then it's often much less offensive to a lot of people than a movie that roots for its bad guy and doesn't even try to have a message. The House That Jack Built is about a serial killer named Jack (woah, what a leap) and we get zero insight into his character, no sympathy or backstory. Just him chronicling five times he killed people over a period of years.

There's one time where he kills two kids with a sniper while hunting and then forces their mom to try and feed pie to one, which is bad because too much pie will make a child fat. And, oh, hell, who am I kidding? Making jokes like that is beneath me for this movie. It's so obvious it's like a big neon sign. The movie itself is already kind of a joke anyway and me joking about it is the extra whipped cream on top that nobody wanted.

It's horrifically, almost parodically violent – the stuff that happens crosses a line from gruesome into just plain goofy a lot of the time. I mean it's still horrible to watch, but it's so over the top that it actually kind of lessens the impact at times – like, one scene he kills a woman and then has to keep coming back over and over to make sure he didn't accidentally leave a speck of blood anywhere. That's just ridiculous. Another time he cuts off a woman's tit and then pins it to the hood of a cop car. Take THAT, cops! Do you now see the error of your ways, police officers?! What deep social commentary this is...

There's also a bunch of inner monologuing and dialogue that's mostly just him raving about nothing. It's all a lot of nonsense. A lot of it comes off like stuff you'd read on some Incel message board in a dark hole of the internet. One time he shouts at a victim that “it's always the man's fault and the woman is the victim.” A few times he goes into lengthy screeds about Nazi architecture and you even see a few pictures of Hitler. ARE YOU OFFENDED YET??? That seems to be the only real goal here. No bigger story, just provocation. As much as some reviews will point out that you barely get any character insight or development, no reason why this guy is the way he is – I don't think it's necessary. If you want to know why he is the way he is, just log into Reddit or 4chan and find one of the many alt-right rat-holes where these people congregate.

Oh, and the finale is a trippy, 2001: A Space Odyssey-esque journey into Hell full of creepy Halloween lights and dramatic sounds. Then he falls into the abyss and that's the end of it. Honestly, it would've been funnier if he went to heaven or if there was just nothing after death. That would have been more fitting than 'the Christian idea of Hell is right.' Kind of an orthodox way to end such a gritty, edgy movie, huh?

This mostly seemed like what I said above, purely an exercise in offending people. If it wasn't so funny at parts and so well acted, it would basically just be a sloppy diatribe by an alt-right dude-bro on the internet. It's hardly anything substantial. Seems like von Trier hearing what everyone said about him, including a ban from the Cannes film festival for some shit he said about Nazis years ago, and really just everything about his other films, and then was like 'I'll just make the movie everyone thought I would make, anyway.' And then he basically made a very well made internet troll comment and put that on screen. But it doesn't have the sharp, vicious point of a Dogville or the sheer misanthropy and misery of Antichrist – not even close.

In a way it seems every provocative filmmaker could very easily slip into this mode. I didn't find very much depth here. It was entertaining at points just for how utterly depraved it was, and then at other points it was just cringeworthy – that tit-cutting scene was pretty awful to watch. I'm sure von Trier's point here, lashing back at critics and just fucking with everyone, was fun for him, and he'll get some views from all the controversy. But in terms of depth and actual quality it just seems like a big-budget equivalent of a guy screaming at the sky just to vent anger.

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Halloween (1978, 2018)

I remember being about 14 years old in 2005 and discovering horror movies. It was just this bizarre, misfit freak show treasure trove of a genre and lit my imagination on fire. I'd never been introduced to any of them before, my parents weren't huge fans. It was my own thing, brand new, and there seemed to be an infinite well of weird, eerie, macabre shit I was finding brand new. For me, it fit like a glove.

I rented them every chance I got; classics like The Exorcist and Nightmare on Elm Street as well as random shit I'd find at Blockbuster, some of it crap and occasionally maybe something cool like Frailty. It was all blending together and I was absorbing knowledge and appreciation for 'em at a rapid pace. It was an exciting time. I remember it fondly. I'd watch them several at a time, just let the day bleed away.

Director: John Carpenter

Starring: Jamie Lee Curtis, Donald Pleasance

IMDb

One of the biggest discoveries around that time was the original John Carpenter Halloween film. It just blew me away for the starkness and simplicity of it. Just a guy stalking a neighborhood at night with a knife. It's not anything really more than that, and it's the scariest movie I know by my count. There's just no bullshit to it, no posturing or goofy stuff like later movies imitating it. It was just dead serious and presented unpretentiously. I liked that, even if I didn't know how to articulate it when I was a kid.

New things stand out to me every time, as they would with anything good you re-watch. This year it really struck me how creepy the voyeuristic aspects of it were, all those silent scenes of him just out of sight or just the corner of him, just breathing his weird-ass breathing under the mask, watching a girl walk around her house. How fucked is that? There's something to a fear that the person being watched doesn't even register. And it's all very mundane. This shit happens every day in some form or fashion.

But it all still holds up. It's a classic formula now, the slow build-up and then the explosion of Satanic horror and violence by the end. But it's better here than some others, mostly due to the characters. It's surprisingly enjoyable to listen to Laurie and her friends bantering. Certainly not at all just a bunch of airheaded plot-filler before the killing starts.

They're real people and the conversations are enjoyable, setting up a desire not to want these kids to die. Later on, slashers would become dime-a-dozen, made for a laugh and by people without the same attention to detail or writing quality. Amazing, the difference in quality when all you do is actively care about how your movie comes out... they barely had a budget back then, but the quality and passion shone through.

Of course it ends with the infamous cliffhanger – just Michael falling off that balcony and then when they look again, he's gone. Fucking chilling. Then all those shots of the house empty and dark with his creepy breathing over-top. Again, chilling. You'd think a huge man in a mechanic outfit and a dirty white mask, probably bleeding all over the place, wouldn't have been difficult to find, but the sequels sure made it seem like everyone on Earth just had a blind spot for the dude.

Director: David Gordon Green

Starring: Jamie Lee Curtis, Judy Greer

IMDb

**MINOR SPOILERS HERE**

Flash forward 40 years and people still like the original. That's got to be a good feeling. That people enjoy your work 40 years after the fact – it's something to aspire to. And there was even a new sequel made, disregarding all the other lame ones since the first one. They even got rid of the dumb twist that Michael was actually Laurie's sister, which was a terrible plot device that removed much of the fear from the story. Overall, it's like an annoying person was wiped away from existence and replaced with a good replicate alien, like the twist in the movie The World's End.

Now we have David Gordon Green, of weird eclectic little movies like Prince Avalanche and Joe, directing, and Jamie Lee Curtis apparently remembering the original frenzy fondly enough to re-join. Weirdly, it's titled just 'Halloween,' exactly like the first one and the 2007 remake. I guess they wanted it to be like a shell game of sorts - guess which one you're gonna get!

Now Curtis's old and grizzled but still badass – hell, if anything, her improved acting chops after a decades-long career has only made the character more compelling than she was initially. The script's a lot of pulp type stuff. Michael escapes again after a bus crash transporting him to a new prison. These prison buses really fucking suck. Laurie Strode should write her congressman and get him to do something about it. Maybe that can be the next Halloween sequel – Laurie Strode versus the endless groaning bureaucracy of government insanity.

Curtis's Laurie Strode has spent the past 40 years building a fortress-like house in the woods, complete with a barbed wire fence and Home Alone-style traps. It's not really all that realistic, but then again, I guess a movie about a senior citizen wearing a Shatner mask slaying people with a knife was never going to be some kind of true-life documentary. And seriously – Michael is fucking old in this movie. Picturing him stopping between kills to change an adult diaper or take heart meds is a good way to take the edge off if you're really creeped out by the story.

There are the two journalists – or rather, podcasters, as one of them hilariously lets slip in a very 2018 way – who are hunting down a story about Michael. I'm not sure what their aim is, as they seem to know everything already. Whenever they talk to people it just seems to be reaffirming that, yes, Michael is bad and Laurie is traumatized. There's no real point to having them here except as a ham-fisted contrivance to get Michael's mask back to him after he murders them. And yes, he kills them in a gas station, which is good because anyone who is annoying is someone we should always want murdered graphically... man, slasher movies fuck us up.

There's also Laurie's family, including a daughter who's kinda stuck up and her weird husband, and a granddaughter who seems cool. I think my favorite line comes from the daughter as she's arguing with Laurie about security – she says something like “the world's a nice, happy, peaceful place and we don't need your negativity!” Really? The world's nice, happy and peaceful? Man, I wish I lived in Laurie's daughter's strange Stepford Wives alternate reality. Clearly Laurie must have fucked something up...

It starts off slow, though it picks up speed later. I wasn't interested in the two journalists. They were seemingly just there to provide exposition and little else, and it would've behooved the film to at least try to make them a little bit endearing, at least so we wouldn't be ambivalent when they died.

But Gordon Green's got a killer sense of style and the film looks cool all the time, very epic and spooky. John Carpenter's new soundtrack is wonderfully macabre, hitting like a goddamn anvil, adding loads of suspense. Michael is still fairly imposing, which I was surprised by after so long and so many inferior movies.

There's a good amount of suspense and releasing of tension, though the film can't quite match the slow-burn eerie tension of the 1978 original. But it makes up for that in sheer gleeful brutality. It's a quick-paced thrill ride once it picks up, and Michael is perhaps even more brutal than he ever was. There's one scene where he drops a bunch of human teeth he just pulled out of someone's head on the floor to taunt a victim – it's an unusual level of personality for a guy who's usually content just to lumber along like a zombie, and not a good kind of personality. My take was that he's just that pissed off from being locked up for 40 years.

The finale is careening, fiery action-packed stuff – a survival of the fittest, tooth and nail battle of horror movie filth. Some of the time, the film beautifully and hilariously inverts the original. There's one shot where Laurie, having jumped off a balcony to escape Michael, disappears the same way he did in the first one when he's looking down for her. In another scene, she attacks him with a knife from behind the way he did to her 40 years ago. It's a bit cheesy, but come on, you're telling me that isn't fun?

The ending's basically perfect for what this script was. Quick and violent. I hope they don't make another one. Just know when to fucking end something for once.

Images copyright of their original owners; I don't own them.

Terrifier (2018)

A few years ago, Damian Leone came out with All Hallow's Eve, a movie about a sadistic clown named Art who really just got his rocks off murdering people for no reason. But the problem was that it was a trilogy of anthology films and didn't just have him killing in a straight line for almost 90 minutes. Now we have Terrifier, which fixes that problem as surely as a master carpenter could.

Director: Damian Leone

Starring: Jenna Kanell, David Howard Thornton, Samantha Scaffidi

IMDb

It's hardly the stuff of master poets. Two young women are drunk and decide to get a bite to eat before trying to drive home. But that's when they meet the guy in the black and white clown costume. He's quiet and smiles a big red bloody smile, and for some reason only the one girl is creeped out. The other one is having fun with it, and although she's supposedly drunk, she doesn't act like it. Just seems more like she's a big clown fan.

The clown kills a bunch of people in the pizza place, which you'd think would be a sort of Switzerland for killers – who doesn't love a pizza place? Fucking savages.

Then he's chasing people around in an abandoned apartment building for some reason. Did he just not have any other plans? I guess it's good that he can think on his feet. He's really quite versatile, using elaborate torture methods for some people and others he just hacks up with a knife. Once, he rides around a little tricycle like the doll from the Saw movies, which I guess is good, we all need cardio. I wonder if he just has some kind of miniature roulette wheel he uses to decide how he'll kill someone. There's certainly no character development, no motive, which is surely an essential thing for an 80s style slasher. I really think they missed an opportunity here to explore the true depth and morality of a killer like Art the Clown, to really dig into his psyche and explain his humanity, that of a man who dresses up in a clown costume and kills people.

Instead, we get a scene where he literally saws a woman in half. Oh well. Different strokes. If you could tell an artist how to create, then it wouldn't really be their art, after all.

The movie chugs along and mostly becomes a fairly cliché slasher. Every trope is used, and by “every trope,” I mean the movie constantly does that thing where they have a character who could help the main girl, but he can't hear for whatever reason, and then the clown kills him from behind as the main girl screams. They do that a lot.

The only real change is the one scene where this crazy delusional homeless woman, who's been walking around with a baby doll all movie, confronts Art and acts like a mother, cradling his head and soothing him. It almost seems like it's going somewhere – but he kills her, as we find out a few scenes later, and as far as I can see she had no positive effect on him. Boy, what a hard sell. Truly stubborn, like a lot of guys his age. It's the tragedy of what society does to men, rendering them incapable of showing feeling except for cutting up horrified murder victims.

At one point he even pulls out a gun and shoots someone. That's just funny to me. This guy with all his fucking knives and weirdo torture methods, and he just has a gun for backup. I hope the NRA is ready to defend this guy's 2nd Amendment rights. I wonder what it was like when he went in to buy the thing. Did he show up in full clown makeup and pull out his wallet and pay with a Visa card? What did the background check come back like? I mean, I'm sure every way he got that gun was totally legit. There's never any issue with that in this country.

Pretty much the rest of it is fairly stock. It ain't terrible, but at the same time, there's just so little imagination to it. It's all just a lot of gory kills like you've already seen. Oh yeah, except the one surviving girl, the sister of one of the other girls who died – try and keep up with me for this Shakespearean plot – gets her face eaten. This ties back to the beginning of the film, in which a snobby newscaster is interviewing her with her face all mangled, and then the disfigured girl tears out the newscaster's eyes. I gotta say this doesn't make much sense. Is the movie trying to say that having a disfigured face and being chased around by a clown for a few hours makes YOU a killer? How offensive to that extremely niche community.

Or maybe she was always a killer and that was a secret twist that even the movie couldn't be bothered showing us! OOOOOooooOOOOOOOooooh! Scary!

Image copyright of its original owner, I don't own it.

The Happytime Murders (2018)

This movie fucking sucks. I might as well just put that on the table at the top here. I know, right? A movie that took 10 years to get out of development hell and is about a puppet police detective is bad? Stop the presses.

Director: Brian Henson

Starring: Melissa McCarthy, Bill Barretta

IMDb

Co-written with Tony.

SPOILERS ahead!!!

It's just so, so bad. It's like a distillation of a bunch of horrible jokes you'd hear at a bad comedy open mic vomited onto the screen with a bunch of puppets saying them. It's the kind of humor you'd hear from a 14 year old just trying to be edgy by making a bunch of raunchy jokes with no context or talent to do so. It's every internet troll going 'oh, you don't think these jokes are funny? Stop being so offended, snowflake!'

Like, even from the start, you get a bunch of stupid perverted voice-overs in the main character, Phil's, head as he's investigating this case from a hot woman puppet who says she's being blackmailed. In the first five minutes, she's already promising Phil she'll have sex with him if he solves her case. Calm down, movie, god; we barely have characters defined yet. And they don't waste time getting to a puppet sex shop, either, which only leads to more embarrassingly bad jokes. Get it? It's puppets, but they're talking about super raunchy things! It's funny because puppets are usually for kids! Do you get it yet?

I guess Melissa McCarthy is playing this other detective who has bad blood with Phil. You can tell because they argue and fight like idiot children every time they're on screen, bringing the plot to a screeching halt several times, spitting terrible roast jokes and insults at each other. Some of the backstory is shoved obnoxiously in your face... apparently, years and years ago, Phil was the first and only puppet cop and he was unable to kill this guy who had captured McCarthy. Then everyone thought he did it on purpose because 'puppets don't shoot puppets.' And then puppets were forever banned, by law, from becoming cops anymore.

All of this shit just shows how bad the writers were at crafting a plot. Really, none of it makes sense. What parallels are there to real life at all? Why would they ban all puppets from being cops or think he did it on purpose? It's never really clarified, instead just made out to be some kind of hamfisted racism allegory, because people all hate puppets in this world for some undefined reason. I guess I can see why they didn't care about plot; I mean a bunch of bad puppet sex jokes probably took a long time for them to come up with. They were probably too tired to make a plot.

The plot, if you can call it that, is that someone is killing off the cast of this old show called the Happytime Gang. Though the movie barely focuses on that. Instead we get a super long scene in this biker bar where McCarthy does puppet coke and fires a gun off a few times, then gets mad at some guy for using the word 'bitches' and beating the shit out of him for that. It's cute that this movie is seriously trying to shoehorn in a feminist message when everything else about it is trashy and low-brow as fuck. It's like if someone took a giant steaming shit on your car window but then lectured you about how you shouldn't say 'cunt' because it's rude.

Oh, and there's a hacky romance scene between Phil and his old girlfriend played by Elizabeth Banks where they talk about what could've been. Every fucking thing in this movie is playing the most rancid, tired detective movie cliches straight, without even trying to be satire. It's pretty amazing that I can't even tell if this movie is even a little bit self-aware. It seems to think it qualifies as 'satire' since they're trying to make jokes in the movie, but how does that make sense? Just having eggs and flour separately doesn't mean you've made a fucking cake.

Perhaps the real low point, though it's hard to choose, is the sex scene between Phil and the lady he accepted the case from, in which there's an extended scene of Phil ejaculating Silly String all over the place for far, far too long... I think Silly String should really reconsider how their product is used in media from now on.

I just can't believe any functioning adult wanted to put this in a movie. There are a bunch of people watching, too, including Phil's secretary Bubbles and a bunch of cops, and none of them seem to make much of a big deal out of it. Bubbles even grabs a bunch of cleaning supplies like this happens all the time. That's really why so much of this is such bad comedy – why would she stay around after the first time her boss jizzed all over his own office and made her clean it up? Just because it's a comedy doesn't mean you can just stop making any logical sense. Part of good comedy is people's reactions to bizarre or over the top situations. Here, this gross, weird nonsense is just treated like an every day thing.

The rest of the movie doesn't improve at all. More bad sex puppet jokes, and they throw in some physical gags about McCarthy's appearance for good measure, which is weird since I thought the movie was trying to be all feminist or whatever. But because it's comedy, it apparently doesn't have to make sense, so I guess I'm the jackass here.

Oh, and did you want to see a children's puppet portrayed as a strung out dying drug addict in a grimy, dark hellhole? You're in luck. The movie provides this soul-killing image with the exact amount of tact you've come to expect, which is none. Seriously, what reason would anyone have to want to see that image?

I guess they find out the real killer was that hot puppet lady from the very beginning, because the bullet Phil fired while trying to kill the guy who'd captured McCarthy accidentally killed her father all those years ago. It's a real stretch. But they make it work by not trying to give this character a personality in any way. Phew! That solves that problem!

The movie ends, finally and mercifully, with Phil asking out his secretary Bubbles, despite there being no romantic connection between the two at all for the entire movie. Does she even want to go out with him after she's had to literally clean up his jizz at the office multiple times? I guess it's consistent in that it's totally unfunny garbage just like literally every single other frame of the movie.

The jokes were bad, the story was bad, I really didn't see even one thing to like here. It's been a while since that happened. The humor in this is solely based on stupid juvenile shock value shit that is bad even by that standard. There's basically one joke idea: puppets swearing and talking about dirty things = funny. And it can't even do that remotely well. Everything in this is overly simplistic low-brow crap and doesn't try to use its creativity for anything but the easiest, lamest jokes possible.

It's actually kind of amazing how truly worthless this movie is, and I really doubt there will be anything worse this year. But if you like terrible jokes and no plot or character, go nuts with The Happytime Murders!

Image copyright of its original owners, we don't own this.

The Meg (2018)

Well, it seems like the B-movie is finally getting its day among the A-listers, as this is a movie so schlocky and ridiculous that it would have SyFy execs salivating and beating people down like it's Black Friday at a Walmart. Yet this was directed by Jon Turtletaub, of National Treasure and other things, and features actors like Jason Statham, Rainn Wilson and Ruby Rose. It's like a merging of worlds.

This whole thing is about as over the top as you can get and it revels in that like a shark in a bucket of fish guts thrown in the water. I like that it's a Chinese-American co-production though, and that adds some different vibes to it that would be absent in something like Sharknado, for instance. It's Shark Week, too, which is like a national holiday for people who like garbage movies. So that makes it perfect to review this thing now.

Director: Jon Turtletaub

Starring: Jason Statham, Rainn Wilson, Li Bingbing

IMDb

Co-written with Tony and Nathan.

It starts off with Statham, playing his usual character of a man with 5 o'clock shadow permanently imprinted on his face to the point where I think it might just be a tattoo. They're underwater and playing the usual bad sci fi movie game of 'run around urgently, shout a lot and then it will all seem important,' only they all end up dying somehow except for Statham.

Then we flash forward to years later. A billionaire named Jack Morris, played by Rainn Wilson, arrives to see the underwater station he's bought apparently without asking any questions about anything. He exchanges in the kind of humor where he talks to the daughter of the Chinese ship captain, Suyin, and just makes up gibberish trying to sound Chinese. What is this, a 1980s comedy? Are we going to talk about the difference between men and women next? Maybe show a tired hack gay stereotype, too? I mean, while you're at it...

They're in the process already of sending down a crew on a submarine to explore a yet-unforseen depth of the ocean, which is great, I'm sure. What's NOT great is how the crew, led by Statham's ex-wife because it's always a very small world in the movies, is attacked by a monster down there almost immediately. It's weird that they don't have protocol for this kind of thing or even any way to see what's attacking them. No, seriously, they can't even see it. Is this an ancient submarine from like World War II or some shit? Seems counterproductive.

Anyway, they're all at the brink of death, which frees up a lot more time for the rest of the crew to exchange jokes and cute moments with Suyin's tiny daughter, who for some reason is allowed on a ship where they undergo serious underwater operations? Who knows. I can't judge anyone's parenting. It's 2018 and who even knows what happens. Take your kid to a volcano expedition or to the house of a known serial killer for a cop investigation. Show 'em you're a badass working mom and you don't take shit. Why not?

They go and find Statham's character Jonas Taylor, now living in Thailand as a beach bum who does nothing but drink all the time for the last five years, as far as the movie shows us, yet he still has the ripped body of an action hero. They bring him back for his expertise at getting people killed, so I guess that's what they want to happen. To get everyone killed.

Statham and Suyin, like total loose cannon maniacs, just go off on their own, separately, to try and save the entire ship, with really very little of any plan or anything – fuck it, they're mavericks! They do manage to save SOME people, but not before getting the dude who played Hiro from Heroes killed off in a blaze of flames. Who would've thought this would happen after bringing Statham, who got all his friends killed underwater, on board? They mention the guy a few more times in the movie, but honestly nobody seems broken up. It doesn't even stop their jokey banter. I guess he wasn't that well liked.

So I guess they begin to discover what the monster is, a prehistoric giant shark called the Megalodon, which got its name from how big it is. Their plan is, I guess, to do a series of Jackass-style stunts, pointless and dangerous, where they just send one person down into the ocean in a cage to try and shoot a dart at it to tranquilize or poison it. This is hilarious because you'd think an apparently professional mission they'd have some better way of doing it than putting their own people in mortal danger.

But I guess it wouldn't make for as good of a movie if they had the proper channels and had everyone filling out paperwork and dreaming of that bar at 5 pm to stave off suicidal thoughts. Better to just court death in a more exciting way, on screen. It's amazing how many of them fall off this boat. I think this science team was the one everyone else scoffed at and pretended not to know. “Oh, I haven't heard of THAT division, how weird... anyway, let me show you my college degrees.”

I guess Suyin's father dies, and she has what's probably the most cliché scene I've ever seen where he tells her he was ALREADY proud of her and she can clear her conscience as he dies, yadda yadda. It's pretty lame. I want to see a movie where the dad was like “actually, I'd wanted to go to LA and be a musician, shame I knocked your mom up by accident,” then he gasps and dies.

I mean, I know that sounds horrible, but it isn't like they dwell on his death or even seem to give a shit after the scene ends. Instead they want to focus on other bullshit like a budding cliché romance between Jonas and Suyin. There's one scene where Jonas finds Suyin's daughter and his own ex-wife hanging out, and they both try to tell Jonas to get with Suyin. He says “I think this is the worst moment of my life.” Yes, even worse than the time all his friends died underwater and it was his fault. This movie astounds me. I'm speechless... well except for the words I've written here.

Then Rainn Wilson's character decides to go drop a bunch of nukes in the ocean trying to kill the shark. The only problem is that he's so dumb that he gets a whale instead... so I guess he's a fucking ocean terrorist now. He is like ISIS to whales and sea creatures. Fortunately the actual shark has an acute sense of morality, and eats him instantly after this, because in horror movies, anyone who does a bad thing dies pretty much instantly. That technically means horror movies are more optimistic than real life.

Fortunately, we have a batshit insane climax in which the shark decides to go to the beach. Yes, one of the most popular beaches in the world, Sanya Bay in China, and the shark was just like, yup, better go there and kill a lot of people. It's pointless to point out how the shark wouldn't just go attack people out of nowhere. No, instead I just think it's funny to imagine it going to the beach. Does it pack its towel, sunscreen and beach chair? What if it rains? Will it have been a wasted trip? The Meg is just itching to get in that water though...

From here the movie just gives up any pretense of even trying to be serious, though to be fair, that actually probably happened 45 minutes ago. We get a crazy climax full of people at the beach running, the shark attacking them – there's one time it eats an entire bubble thing with a kid inside it. And there are some helicopter explosions. And Statham is almost eaten a few more times, since he apparently gets a real thrill out of that. What is that, like five fucking times now? Is it a fetish or something? I have to admire that their aesthetic here is just 'THROW MORE CRAZY SHIT IN! NOW! WE NEED IT!'

That really sums up the entire movie. It's insane and hilarious. I actually think it works pretty well at what it wants to be, and it gives the audience exactly what they want, which is insane bullshit with sharks happening. As ridiculous as the plot is, as lame as some of the dialogue is, The Meg actually works pretty well and I can respect it for that.

Image copyright of its original owners, we don't own it.

I Don't Like Hanging Out With Nerds

...or, "How Time Corrupted the Nerds."

I remember being a kid in the late 90s and early '00s and getting picked on for being something of a nerd. It was already starting to turn over, though, with the culture becoming more and more mainstream the older I got. It wasn't like I got beat up for liking Batman. I got made fun of here and there and sometimes, occasionally, it was because I had some sort of nerdy stuff around, but more often than not it was just because kids are fucking rude and they would grasp for any straw. So maybe I'm not the be all, end all of experience here, but I'm doing this anyway just because I'd love to say that being a nerd doesn't seem like all that proud of a thing now.

Honestly, I don't even like hanging out with nerds anymore. I think too often, that turns into a pissing contest of purity. You say you like a thing and then some idiot has to chime in with “YEAH BUT DID YOU SEE THIS OTHER THING? IF NOT THEN I JUST DON'T SEE HOW YOU'RE A REAL FAN!” And it's like, Jesus, turn it down, buddy. It's just a movie. Not like we're at the Conference of Nations here. If I like a thing, that just means I like it. Not looking to join the fucking debate team here.

And in recent years, with the ballooning of Marvel, Star Wars and Disney into a grotesque blob devouring everything in sight, it's hard to be sympathetic to this kind of aggro fan posturing. It's cool to like the stuff, I've enjoyed some of it, but at some point you're also basically getting pumped up and angry defending the 1% of entertainment. You're basically like “don't be so mean to this untouchable billionaire behemoth!” This especially applies to Star Wars. Jesus, the bitching I've heard and read about these new movies, you'd think they had paid for these people's housing and food needs for years.

That isn't even the worst of it. You hear worse things from women who try to enter the nerd kingdom's gates. Awful tales of sexism. And I'm glad I don't have to suffer the annoyances of any minority trying to wade into the public discourse. Just look at any time Marvel or DC tries to introduce a new incarnation of a character who's black or a woman or gay. Online, things have gotten perilously toxic at times, such as the 'Gamergate' fiasco that really showed how awful and toxic these people were, sending death threats, screaming misogynist garbage.

Nerds got to the top and then proceeded to act like the exact people they hated, discriminating and pushing people around. One thing nerds love is a quote from a nerdy movie used in some other context. So for me this whole thing is like when Harvey Dent said, “You either die, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.” The whole predicament is basically the story of so many “I'll show them” nerd fantasies. We all had 'em, the whole idea of “they're making fun of me now but I'll get rich and punish them someday,” but it's become a reality for some people. There's a NYT editorial that goes into this with more finesse than I could, about people like Elon Musk. There's a dark side to every kind of person, and any ideal is somewhat corruptible, unfortunately.

I get how it happens. Nerd-dom is basically just liking something in a real, intense way. You don't just watch or read or play the thing passively, but actively consume, sucking up every morsel of information like Kirby from Smash Brothers (see, another reference). A lot of the time, that kind of devotion comes with a loneliness or something missing in real life, and a lot of young teenagers have that because life is tough to put together when you have almost no autonomy. But most of us grow out of that and become productive and well-rounded adults, to some extent anyway.

But some people don't grow out of it, and that portion seemed to grow more vocal as the internet got bigger. They turned their loneliness and social ineptitude into a weapon. Who knew how they'd gotten there? They just never seemed to click with real life. Never fit in. I guess we used to laugh at people like this for being fat Star Trek cosplayers who lived in their mom's basement. Now, I guess they're the same people, except they're angrier through a lot of time spent behind a screen reading conspiracy theories and getting angry at 'PC culture' for leaving them stranded in the dust. But the world has never been totally fair and at some level, if you're born into a first-world country to a family with money to afford the internet for you to read those conspiracy theories, you have to take some responsibility.

So I barely ever even refer to myself as a nerd. I enjoy a lot of 'nerd media' and don't care if people know it, but I stop short at calling myself one. I don't like the context anymore. I think it's given birth to some toxic shit.

And honestly, with the proliferation and mainstreaming of nerd culture, what do bullies even make fun of kids in school for anymore? Is it back to race, socioeconomic class, the simpler stuff of days of yore? I dunno.

Fantastic Four (2015)

The creation of new Fantastic Four films is like some sort of mind-bending thriller plot where they do the same thing over and over again in some bizarre torture-loop. Like, when they become aware of the awful hell they've been subjected to, a switch is flipped and then it's like 'go back to the start, make another origin story, show again how they got their powers. You won't remember any of this when it's over.' Then the screams are drowned out by forcefully canned, "triumphant" opening credits music and the sound of Reed Richards trying to coerce his friends into space again.

This one is the worst one. And probably one of the worst superhero movies ever made at that. Josh Trank, who made the excellent Chronicle, directed this, which is a shame as he deserved more than the studio meddling he got here.

Director: Josh Trank

Starring: Miles Teller, Kate Mara, Michael B. Jordan

IMDb

Co-written with Tony.

I mean, hell, it's barely even a superhero flick to begin with. Calling it a movie is even a bit of a stretch. You start off with like, 20 minutes of Reed Richards as a kid. Apparently he's a creepy little fuck in this who spends all his time making a doorway to another dimension. I love how even the teacher in his class is sarcastic at him and doesn't even support him a little bit. Dude, you're teaching 5th graders, quit acting like you're Simon fucking Cowell, you weirdo.

But to be fair, Reed is the kind of kid who waits in a car at night like a horror movie villain outside the junkyard, where his classmate Ben lives. Ben, being a total idiot, apparently considers this to be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. They begin that night using parts from the junkyard to make Reed's science thingy.

Oh and Ben, by the way, is apparently just bullied by his big brother, who says “It's clobberin' time” to him as he's hitting him. That's where that catchphrase came from, kids!

Reed and Ben then go back to Reed's garage and put the finishing touches on the whole dimensional gateway machine that every kid had in their garage back in the 90s – oh the nostalgia. I love that there's really no explanation of why he wanted to make this or, really, what it even does. He could be trying to become the new Adolph Hitler for all Ben knows. Maybe the door to dimensions opens up the door to the DC Film Universe, which would at least explain why this sucks so bad.

Oh, and they shut off power in the entire neighborhood. You would think this would be enough for people to ask questions as to what he was doing. Or for his parents to keep a closer eye on him from then on to make sure he doesn't burn down the house or isn't torturing anybody in their garage. This could almost be an interesting plot point or character moment... WHICH IS WHY WE THEN SKIP SEVEN YEARS AHEAD!

Yup. Seven year skip just out of nowhere. Reed is now closer to college and still making the same dumb dimension door thing, and Ben is still helping, because why would anything change in your life in the most formative years of said life? Everything always remains the same during that time of your life.

Incidentally, a dimensional door, huh? I guess this is how Stranger Things happened... either that, or it's just bland chopped-up sci fi cliché stew, delivered lukewarm, and with a few mysterious hairs in it that make you question whether you're hungry at all.

There's a scene where Victor Von Doom, who is portrayed here as a greasy neckbeard weirdo with a fascination with Sue Storm, and the other dudes all decide to go into the door and fuck around in the other dimension. It goes horribly and they blow everything up. All hail white dude mediocrity, right? I love that they don't even bring Sue with them, but she gets hit by radiation anyway even just sitting back in the regular world. I'd be so pissed. I'd be like 'goddammit, motherfuckers.'

Most of the rest of this sinks into an insufferable muck of boring crap. It's trying to be all dark and “mature,” in the way that only a kid listening to Nine Inch Nails and death metal while mad at their mom at age 15 can be. I guess director Josh Trank had this whole vision that was ruined due to re-shoots, since honestly, all art is always improved by constant last minute tinkering by guys who wear sandals with socks. YOU KNOW BEST, CORPORATIONS!

But it really just comes off as silly. They have a bunch of scenes with them strapped to tables in dark, creepy lab rooms with scientist guys in dark glasses not answering their question. It's like if Stephen King wrote a Firestarter spec script while drunk off his ass. How do you like these scenes for your kids, parents? Don't you love that the happy-go-lucky Fantastic Four have been turned into this vague, dark pile of bullshit? Wasn't THIS how you always pictured these iconic heroes?!

Then they just skip ahead a year again without really exploring the characters or the world. This whole movie is like they just filmed the Wikipedia summary of a plot. There's really just zero character development. They don't bother to explore even the littlest parts of who these people are or why we should care. I know that's like expecting a McDonalds to carry high-class cuisine at this point, but eh fuck it, I'm already critiquing everything else anyway.

They find Victor Von Doom in the other dimension, who got lost there before. He's now turned into some kind of weird fantasy monster, like a shitty D&D creature made by the kid your mom forced you to play with because he didn't have anyone else. He comes back and tries to, I dunno, destroy the world or something? He says some vague things about 'sucking the world into his own dimension and making a new dimension.' This is all a bunch of gobbledegook and the kind of thing a 10 year old would find too lame to even play with his action figures.

They beat him, I guess, and they're really only acting as a whole team for like, what, 10 minutes of the super goofy, lame CGI-fest climax? Otherwise, this isn't a Fantastic Four movie. It's a 'random dark action movie where people have strange, silly powers for no reason.' Hooray for that? Meh.

This movie sucks and anyone who likes it, I strongly think is a foreign agent against their own government. Be suspicious of them.

Pictures copyright of their original owners, we don't own them.

47 Meters Down (2017)

47 Meters Down is yet another 'shark horror movie,' and I should be annoyed with them by now. But honestly, there's something strangely endearing about the optimism here, of people thinking they can still do better than Jaws after all these years without massively changing up the formula.

To be fair, this does offer a different take on a shark movie. In this one, they're trapped underwater in a shark cage and are running out of oxygen surrounded by bloodthirsty, serial-killer-ish sharks, each ready to devour them whole. But strangely, they barely even do too much with THAT concept. It's a weird waste of potential. "Here's an original idea," I can imagine these writers saying, "now, just fart out a script. I am gonna take a nap."

Director: Johannes Roberts

Starring: Mandy Moore, Claire Holt

IMDb

Co-written with Michelle.

This starts off with our main characters Kate and Lisa, on vacation at a ritzy, gorgeous looking beach in Mexico. There are several pointless but nice-looking scenes that end very quickly, looking less like a horror movie and more like a travel agency's commercial. Or a hotel's commercial. Whatever it is, you know looking like a commercial is very much against what most horror movies should be about. Hint, guys – they're supposed to make you want to stay AWAY from places.

I guess we find out that Lisa's long-term boyfriend Stuart has just dumped her and that's at least partly why they're vacationing. They talk about how he got bored and left... I guess he had the attention span of a tiny baby. Did you try waving car keys in front of his face? Also, it's weird that they have all these short, pointless scenes and are just now dumping this on us. What prevented them from just opening with it? Maybe the contract for the cinematographer included 'must film footage that looks identical to a travel commercial in case this horror movie thing doesn't work out.'

Then they meet some guys late at night at a bar, partying and stuff, and the guys invite them to go shark diving the next day. As far as the movie shows, they barely exchange two words before agreeing to this. Later on, we see that Kate, the younger sister, is super adventurous and has a penchant for doing crazy stuff. I guess in this movie, that means she just agrees to whatever the weird guys in the bar invite her to do. Good thing she didn't talk to the OTHER guy at that bar who wanted her to play Russian Roulette. Or the third guy who was just a fucking rapist.

The next day they all go do exactly that, shark diving. There are a few scenes where the crew on the boat seems slightly suspicious and weird, like maybe they'll do something creepy and horror movie-ish. Nope. It's just a normal shark diving trip, with all the lack of regulations or rules that an off-the-beaten-path beach in Mexico promises... this movie just has such a lack of any imagination. It's barely even trying to tell a story. We were just waiting for something super creepy to happen, like right before the girls went under, one of the guys leans over and whispers that they've been stalking the girls for weeks. But nope. I guess that was too much to ask. Or, really, anything remotely interesting.

I'll throw the movie a bone here: it's pretty cool when they actually get underwater. It's a dark, isolated and gloomy setting. There isn't much else quite like it for horror. Most movies would wimp out and set a lot of it above the water, but this one, to what little credit I can give it, creates a definite mood by setting the entirety of the movie way deep down underwater.

Too bad they barely make use of it! There's very little in the way of scares. Most of this is just them talking in frantic tones about how to escape. There's a few scenes of very mild suspense that might make a nursing home grandma who's never seen a horror movie jump. Otherwise it's all a big old flatline. Like oh, really, they want to get out of the ocean? Tell us more, Shakespeare. Regale us with these mindblowing concepts.

They don't utilize the setting very well and there's maybe one scene where they go off and explore the darker parts of the ocean in any way. The sharks are bad at being serial killers and don't sneak up on them well or provide much tension either. Maybe they should've looked this up on WikiHow. Overall this is a limp tension-free slog much like the feeling of a deflated balloon.

They start running out of oxygen, though much later than I had thought. They get in touch with the douchebag who got them down there to begin with, who sends down some new tanks. The problem is, because they've been down there so long, they might start to hallucinate. Now, this was the point where I thought things might finally get cool and interesting. Here was an opportunity for the movie to truly show off its creativity and put in some badass, insane hallucinations under the fucking water...

Nope! That doesn't happen. Instead, Kate gets attacked by a shark and then Lisa manages to get free from the bars of the cage pinning her leg down and save Kate. Then the both of them ascend from the water on their own – which was really an option the whole time and I'm not sure why they didn't just try it even in spite of the danger...

...then it turns out all of THAT was all a hallucination and they WEREN'T saved! But don't worry, the national guard was coming down right at that time and saves them for really real.

Wow. That is some weak ass “horror.” You had the option to have fucking hallucinations under water and you did jack squat with it. This should have been a fucking freak circus like the climax of The Shining set underwater, with hallucinations used to their full effect and escalating until the characters lost their mind. I wanted to see the darkest recesses of their psychology. I wanted to see gore-streaked apparitions and creepy figures lurking in the shadows of the sea.

But nope. Nothing. There's no imagination here. This kind of stuff is the reason why nobody ever took horror seriously for years in the 2000s. All in all, I recommend just going diving in open water with sharks rather than watching this silly stuff. I'm gonna go watch Jaws again instead.

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