Well, I got what I wished for today: an even stupider, less
coherent Wishmaster sequel, with twice the laughs and half the sanity. Praise
the evil 1,000 year old Djinn who made this possible with the expense of my
mortal soul!
Director: Jack Sholder
Starring: Holly Fields, Andrew Divoff
We kick off this one with a bunch of robbers robbing a
museum. How absolutely clichéd. The way they scream and start making noise like
maniacs as soon as one of them stupidly breaks glass that sets off an alarm is
just priceless. I’m no museum robber, but I think running around like drunk
maniacs screaming “LEAVE IT, COME ON, GOGOGOGO!” isn’t the best way to avoid
capture.
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| Never mind the fact that there's a third burglar who gets shot right away and is never ever mentioned again in the movie. If the characters didn't forget he existed due to all the drugs they were doing, the writers most certainly did. |
We then see that apparently museum cops in this world get to
have guns. That’s understandable, seeing as how they’re trained to be the next
John Wayne with them, but are somehow stuck guarding museums at night.
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| All museum cops are bullseyes with a gun. It's 'cause they have so much free time guarding the museum to practice outside on Coca Cola cans and their wives' old dildos. |
How about this for some ridiculously cliché writing – the
robbers turn out to be a boyfriend/girlfriend couple. It’s never explained why
they’re robbing this place, and in fact the plot point of them being robbers is
completely dropped afterward. So we’re just left with the baffling cliché of
two romantically intertwined museum burglars – how risqué! – and the
headache-inducing dilemma of why anyone would put something that retarded on
paper, let alone film it. The film tries to distract us with something totally
batshit insane:
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| Man, Picasso's later work wasn't as good as his early stuff. |
Is this just what happens when you’re dying? You see blobby
heads on the wall telling you they can grant your wishes with red lights
glowing around you like a rave in Hell? The dying robber doesn’t even care.
He’s just like, “Go to hell.” Not “OHMYGOD WHAT IS THAT” but just “fuck off.”
What a badass! Can we have him stay alive for the rest of the movie and be the
protagonist? Apparently no – the genie has other plans for him:
Instead we get stuck with museum robber chick, whose idea of grieving
is sitting alone staring at a gun and then randomly freaking out and wrecking
her own apartment. Geez. You’d think her boyfriend got shot and killed and she
then shot and killed a man herself after. Well, I guess that is kinda what
happened. In a manner of speaking.
We also find out that she used to date this priest guy. The
priest, who unfortunately is a main character in the film, is – well, just
bizarre, to put it nicely. I just didn’t know priests’ training allowed them to
tell their exes to leave a place of worship to avoid awkwardness, or that they
could just chat casually about how the girl’s new boyfriend (who is now
dead/turned into a baby) wasn’t right for her. Doesn’t seem all that Catholic!
But the real headscratcher is the fact that this girl
apparently went from dating a priest to a museum burglar. Interesting choice!
And also one that makes me wonder if the writers of this film actually
interacted with any human beings in the last ten years before making this. I
mean we’re fifteen minutes in, and nothing makes sense. I’m just praying for
scenes with the genie fucking with people like in the first one now.
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| Andrew Divoff thankfully reprises his role as the genie in this. His performance here contains 50% more evil grins and 20% more Ray Liotta than before. With added smarmyness and corny lines delivered in a game show host voice, I think it's safe to say Andrew Divoff's performance is a part of a balanced breakfast for bad movie fans. |
Lo and behold, I get my wish. He gets arrested at the crime
scene and hauled in by the world’s most angry cop ever. The cop accuses him of
being gay and seems quite adamant about knowing the details about whose cock
he’s sucking. When the genie doesn’t share that
info, the cop gets unrealistically angry and starts screaming about how he’s
HAD IT UP TO HERE with the genie. Uh, buddy – take my advice and see a
counselor. Your sexuality may have a few unopened doors.
The genie gets sent to prison. The first guy he meets is a
complete whackjob – I know this because when the genie says he can offer the
guy anything he wishes for, the guy draws the logical conclusion: “You’re a
fuckin’ genie!” he says, and then threatens to “own his lily white Yuppie golf
playin’ ass” if he doesn’t make it come true. Personally I would be skeptical
as fuck and ask a lot more questions. But then again, I guess I’m not living in
this bizarro-world the movie has created.
What follows over the next forty-odd minutes of the film is
pretty much the genie in jail just doing horrible things to the prisoners. The
prisoners do deserve it though, just for wording their wishes in the most
asinine ways possible. Like wishing “to go right through the bars” gets you
this:
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| And this bird knows you can't chaaaaaaaange... |
Wishing to get completely wasted and fucked up gets you
thrown into a fight scene between extras from Michael Bay’s The Rock:
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| Just play the Looney Tunes music over this and it would be complete. |
Most importantly is one scene that takes place about 25
minutes into the film. This one guy wishes his lawyer would go fuck himself for
not helping him out more. What happens is, well, exactly what the guy wished
for:
You know, there’s a limit, and this scene – this lawyer
contorted like a Chinese trapeze artist practicing the fucking Kama Sutra –
goes FAR BEYOND the limits of what my sanity can tolerate! The first Wishmaster
had that weird Kane Hodder with the jail cell scene, and Wishmaster 2 has this
scene. Do they just have some nightmare factory where people come up with these
scenes to make sure nobody has a peaceful night’s sleep again? Jesus.
If you’re wondering – for whatever sadistic reasons – what the
genie’s plan is in this movie, I’ll tell you – he wants to collect 1,001 souls
so he can start the apocalypse and let the race of evil genies come to Earth
and destroy everything. Apparently it’s all part of some sort of prophecy from
thousands of years ago. What kind of prophecy is that? Who figured that one
out? Maybe some ancient Mesopotamian philosopher was sitting around one
evening, looking at the stars and thinking ‘hmm, it’d be really cool if, in
thousands of years, a race of genies destroyed the Earth after granting people
wishes.’
It’s just so contrived. Why not make the plot about a
prophecy saying the Looney Tunes will destroy the world after Donald Trump
collects 1,001 copies of Space Jam? I
mean you can’t tell me they weren’t just ad libbing this shit anyway. Jesus,
this is insane. I’d love to go back in time to the writing room and envision
exactly what kind of mindset the writers were in when creating this movie.
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| Seems about right. |
In between this, we get seemingly interminable scenes of
that weird museum burglar chick and her boring priest boyfriend basically just
spouting exposition. They’re the kinds of scenes you get in every 90s and 2000s
horror film – attempted drama as the characters research various ancient
prophecies and history and then shout about it to one another while trying to
sound worried. It’s pretty much boring as hell. I’m sorry, I can’t take your
doomsday prophesizing seriously when the director keeps trying to look up your
skirt:
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| The 2014 Man Hating Feminist reissue of the movie has jogging pants digitally edited on. |
The genie makes friends with this Russian mafia guy who he
helps escape from prison. The Russian guy tells him about a place where he can
find lots of souls – a casino in Vegas. But not before an agonizingly long detour
in which the film becomes about Russian Mafioso politics. This Mafia leader guy
tells the genie he wants someone else’s head – and lo and behold, his head
changes into that of his enemy. Get it?
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| Wanting someone's head is a Mafia movie cliche for 'wanting someone dead.' But the genie took that literally and actually gave him someone else's head! HA HA HA! Okay I'm over it now. Wasn't that funnier now that I explained it? |
I think this genie just has the best
job in the world. He gets to collect souls and
make up ridiculous ways to turn peoples’ wishes against them!
So eventually everyone gets to the casino, and it’s a jolly
old time. Well, until people start shitting coins out of their asses – always a
lowlight of any night out in Vegas. The weird demon-alien mutant things
bursting out of their stomachs aren’t exactly an enticing point of the Vegas
casino experience either. Most people usually like to leave before that starts happening; cash out early and what not.
Wait, these are
normal occurrences in Vegas, right?
They even fit in some Jesus-bashing when the genie takes out
some personal issues on Priest Boy:
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| This wouldn't have happened if the genie's mom hadn't made him dance to I'm a Little Teapot while wearing a dress and a beret after church every Sunday! |
Gee, that would be really shocking if this character wasn’t
just an afterthought to give the main girl someone to bounce vapid dialogue off
of. They defeat the genie this time when the main girl wishes that the guy she
shot was still alive – somehow, that nullifies everything and sets time back to
when the movie began. I’m sure there’s an explanation somewhere in the movie,
but come on, do you really think this is the type of movie where an explanation
needs to be explained? Just remember it had this scene in it:
Yeah, so I guess everything is good now. Except for those
people in the casino, who are left with a faint but definite desire never to
gamble again. Crapping out a pound full of gold coins will do that to you. That
old lady will wake up at night and feel a tingling in her ass, and she will
know that the casino has never been further away. That, my friends, is the
power of Wishmaster.
There’s so much wrong with this movie it isn’t funny. Except
when it is funny – which is most of the time. While it’s pretty much
indefensible, with bad writing, poor plots and uninteresting characters, it’s
just hugely entertaining, and I had a good time watching it anyway. If you want
a good time, wish upon a star and you’ll get this to make you laugh and scratch
your head plenty.
Every wish has its backfiring, though, and mine has become
clear – I have to review Wishmaster 3: Beyond the Gates of Hell next week!
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