Sunday, August 4, 2013

The Cinema Freaks Late Night Talk Show with The Lake Placid Crocodile

Good evening, faithful readers! As you all know, I have reviewed the Lake Placid series in all its bloody, crocodile-y goodness up until now. When I thought I was done last year, well, the series went and proved me wrong, popping out another sequel in the same manner as the fat lady next door with nine kids and an apartment smaller than your closet. I can’t even review these movies fast enough. I mean Jesus Christ. By the time I’m done writing this paragraph, they’ll probably have the script, casting and first scenes done for the next one.

Director: Don Michael Paul
Starring: The Lake Placid Crocodile, Kate from Angel, Yancy Butler

To commemorate yet another successful foray into the murky, croc-infested waters of this hopefully long-lasting series, I have brought a special guest onto the blog today to talk about the film. This is a very successful up and coming actor who brings a unique and personal touch to every film he acts in. Directors have called him a pleasure to work with, and he even donates to charity with the money he gets from his movies. Ladies and gents, please give a round of applause for…THE LAKE PLACID CROCODILE!*

*From here on out, my questions will be in BOLD. Lake Placid Crocodile's responses will not be in bold.

So, Lake Placid Crocodile, how the hell are you?

I’m doing great, thanks. I just got off the set for Crocodile 3.

Awesome. And how is that going?

To tell you the truth, pretty stressful. There's only so many broken beer bottles to the face I can take.

Sounds absolutely delightful! But about Lake Placid: The Final Chapter…

Yes, yes.

Where did they get the inspiration for such an inventive title? The Final Chapter. Jesus, that’s original.

Well, they were trying to pay homage to the Friday the 13th movies. We figure we’ll do what those movies did. We’ll title the fourth movie The Final Chapter and then release an endless string of less-good sequels every year after. People will keep paying money for them because they love making fun of them and because we get a couple of 20 year old girls to take off their shirts for two seconds.

In Lake Placid land, girls take off their tops just to go in the ocean at night and splash each other like four year olds. It's not weird at all!

It’s a pretty genius formula, you gotta admit. We won’t even really have to try that hard.

But that sounds like you'd just be ripping everyone off with as little effort as possible!

Yeah, well, them's the breaks!

You're being awfully forthcoming about the...shall we say, less flattering aspects of your movie.

You kiddin' me? This is the Internet. No matter how much shit I talk about this movie, people will still watch it anyway. Hell, I think making fun of a movie like this will just make MORE people want to see it!'re probably right...

Oh, I know I am.

So the movie starts off with Yancy Butler, reprising her role from the last movie as a wisecracking, croc-killing deputy. How was it working with her?

She was almost too good at her role. I mean c’mon, the first scene plays like the aftermath of the world’s worst drunken butcher-shop orgy. Then a croc shows up and Yancy just throws her machete at it and kills it instantly! Ouch! Show a little compassion! Yancy was pretty nice off stage, but when we were filming? Gave me chills. It was like she really wanted to kill us man-eating crocodiles.

I see. And what about the rest of the actors? Were there any you got along with particularly well?

Elizabeth Rohm could be okay sometimes. But I really liked the black guy! He was great because he was a total environmental-loving pussy who said the humans couldn’t kill us crocs even if we were killing people! So basically this guy gives us a free pass to do whatever we want for the rest of the movie!

What about the subplot with Elizabeth Rohm the sheriff and her daughter?

Well, the fact that the daughter is obsessed with reading and Rohm tells her to quit it and go outside is just strange. I mean, in the crocodile kingdom, we pride those among our young who take the time to educate themselves. The fact that Rohm wants her daughter to stop reading is just bizarre! Plus, the other subplot with this other law enforcement guy who she has a love/hate relationship with is just underdeveloped! I kept telling Don to watch some classic romance films and get a better idea of how to do this kind of thing, but he just kept telling me to go away so he could do coke in his trailer.

So there have been some environmental activists and crocodile purists that insist the film is unrealistic. People have said that the portrayal of crocodiles is ludicrous and that the film almost completely “jumps the shark” if you will by having crocodiles that appear to have superpowers. What do you have to say to those people?

Well, I think it’s ridiculous. The crocodiles in the movie were portrayed 100% accurately. For instance, scenes like the one where the giant crocodile chases the humans in their truck like a hungry lion is something I drew from my own personal experiences. They really do that, you know. Many of my friends get their lunch on weekends by chasing humans like that!

And the fact that they see in blurry distorted green-vision is totally how we really see. I’m looking at you in that kind of vision right now, actually.

The makers of the Lake Placid series are very attentive to making their crocodiles as realistic as possible. I actually served as a consultant for them on that part of the film. They came to me with all their questions.

But there’s one scene where this guy is peeing in the ocean water, looks away for a second, and then a crocodile just appears in front of him when he looks back! What do you have to say about that?

Crocodiles have always had teleportation powers. We can also turn invisible if we want. You didn’t know that?

No, I didn’t.

Maybe you should read up on your crocodile facts! That’s common knowledge now, you dunce! Geez. You humans can be pretty stupid sometimes.

Oh, we can be stupid sometimes? You wanna back that up with some proof, huh mister?

Gladly. Like how about the scene where they give a press conference to the town and basically tell them it doesn’t matter if the crocodiles have been killing people in droves for years now, and that they can’t kill the crocs because they’re rare! Isn’t that just the biggest slap in the face ever? It’s like “we know we were hired as law enforcement to protect the city and its people, but we don’t feel like stopping those crocodiles from eating you all. Sorry!”

Okay, fine. That’s kind of stupid. But it’s not like they’re just throwing the townspeople to the They built a fence!

Oh, you mean the fence that any moron can get past? The electric fence that poachers and hunters could easily fall back into by accident when trying to get away from a crocodile?

Well, yeah, but…

Or the fence that a bunch of kids going on a camping trip could easily drive their bus past and not even realize they were in a crocodile zone until the next day? Because, yeah, that's the explanation we get a little bit later!

Shouldn’t there be stronger warning labels? Maybe a gate with a sign on it, at least? And speaking of that bus driver, he’s a real piece of work, a real good example of the brilliance the human species can produce. Do all human bus drivers look at porn on their cell phones WHILE DRIVING?!

Danny McBride?

I’ll give you that. It was a pretty ridiculous scene. But isn’t your whole argument about humans being stupid kind of prejudiced? I’m all for equality between man and crocodile, but it has to go both ways. Otherwise, the whole thing’s kind of hypocritical, is it not?

Not a bad point. But from the point of view of this movie, it’s not hard to see why I’d be so prejudiced. I mean, this is a movie that thinks a romance means scenes of two characters who acted like they hated each other having dinner by candlelight. And then the only other romance in the movie consists of boys telling the main girl that Heart of Darkness is boring.

Yeah. Real great romance there. If you didn’t know, we crocodiles are soft at heart. Not to mention well versed in classic literature.

Very charming. But at least you got to chase and kill them all in the next few scenes.

Very true. Those scenes were a lot of fun to shoot, because…well, you know why. I think some of the other actors were having less fun than I was, though.

Well, yeah. I mean, you jumped up and bit one of their heads off. That’s got to foster some bitter feelings here and there!

Oh yeah. No special effects there at all. Crocodiles can actually jump like bunny rabbits. We usually just don’t do it for the camera. Don't like to give people a view of our asses, you know?

What was that bear trap she got caught in doing out there anyway? Just one solitary bear trap in the middle of the woods? Hell, throughout this whole movie, we don’t see one bear.

We tried to get the bear from the first movie to come back. You know, the one that I fought with at that camp site?

But he had a scheduling conflict. So we just had to drop the scene where he and I were going to have a Die Hard-style gun fight after I ate the girl’s head. It’s a shame.

That does sound like a good scene. But you did have one enemy in the film in Robert Englund’s character. He played a poacher hunting for your eggs. What was it like working with this veteran horror actor?

The fate of all great horror icons, become a self-parodic, loud redneck character in later roles...

Oh, he was a character. I never liked the Nightmare movies after the first couple, but his scenes were pretty crazy in this movie. I don’t even care that he wants to steal my eggs. I mean, it’s not like they were really mine. You think I’d really let my own eggs be used in a movie? Hell no.

It was grape juice in that thing really.

Plus, there’s one moment where he clearly has more sense than any of the other characters.

Oh really, and which moment was that, pray tell?

It’s when he shows up with his boat at the shore and invites them all to come with them. Now, of course he has ulterior motives. But they don’t know that yet. They actually have to THINK ABOUT whether or not to go with him on a boat, or stay on an island where half of their team has been killed off already. Gee, maybe running from the crocodiles will work the 5,000th time, right?

Well, they DO have crocs in the water just waiting to eat them if they go in…

The damn boat isn’t even that far away. C’mon. And they get everyone on the boat pretty easily without any real problems. The only guy who stays is the teacher guy. He tries to run for a few seconds and then…well, just look:

Not to mention the girl's first thoughts afterwards are "I really wanted to give him back my school library books" humans are weird.

Woah! Now that’s some grade-A cheese there! How did that taste?

Like red food coloring. And cotton balls used to stuff that dummy.

Well, it sure made for an entertaining shot. So there was also some fuss made by activist groups about the fact that the crocodiles in the movie become super crocodiles by eating each other. Some people feel this will encourage real crocodiles to eat one another in the hopes of becoming super crocodiles.

Real crocodiles would never do such a thing. Unlike you humans, we don’t let movies act as instruction manuals for us. You people let shows like Dexter or video games like Mortal Kombat influence your children so far to the point where they kill their friends and siblings because of it!

Plus, the whole thing is overstated anyway in the film. I love how the dumb scientist is like “well, we knew they’d have a food shortage, but we didn’t think it’d get THAT far…” Isn’t that kind of like saying, “well, when we didn’t pay our electric bill until a week later and our power went out, we didn’t think ALL the food in the fridge would spoil”?

Fair points on both counts. So, the ending of the movie – we get Robert Englund trying to take the policeman’s kid hostage, and then getting eaten after his plan fails. Rohm kills you by shooting at you and then ducking out of the way as you plow into the electric fence.

Yeah. Those scenes were entertaining. That damn fence, though.

And the ending – how did you feel about the fact that you lost at the end? Rohm and her daughter reconciled, that policeman and his son reconciled, the daughter and son got together and Yancy Butler had your head on a plaque, which is about equal with all those other reconciliations...

She really just stole that plaque from Gatorland.

Well, we didn’t lose, really. Just look at the last scene! The radio broadcast says there are no more crocs at Lake Placid, but apparently they were just in waiting for girls in tight clothes running by…

What? But I thought this was the Final Chapter!

Ha ha ha…oh, you know how those wacky horror sequels work. You’ve reviewed a number of them.

But the way THIS is playing it, it’s like the officials killed THAT ONE crocodile…well, you, I guess…and then immediately declared that there were no more, without bothering to even look!

What can I say, they probably just needed to go back home and drink until they passed out. Just like the writers of this movie.

Sigh…so anyway, what’s next on the horizon for you as a budding actor, Lake Placid Crocodile?

Well, we’re starting production on several sequels. Like Lake Placid in Space!

Lake Placid Gets Crunk!

And Lake Placid and the Seven Dwarves!

Oh, I bet THOSE will be classics.

Either way, you’ll still end up reviewing them somehow!

Images in this review are not mine; they are copyright of whoever owns them.