Director: Michael Cooney
Starring: Scott McDonald, Stephen Mendel
Aw, what? Seriously, this crap? I meant to review this shit years ago,
but I couldn’t find it, and I guess that was just the heavens’ way to make damn
sure I didn’t lose any more of my brain cells than I had to. Jesus. This is
seriously the bottom of the barrel. Not even really the worst out there so much as the most brainless, half-assed nonsense
you could possibly create. No effort went into this. No thought. Nothing but
pure spite for the love of the creation of good art. Ugh…and I wonder why I’m
losing inspiration…
Anyway, whatever, so this is Jack Frost, the killer snowman movie. I
guess it starts out with something so stupid I feel embarrassed for even
writing it…some kind of “comedic” bedtime story told to a little girl about a
serial killer named Jack Frost. Except I should have put “little girl” in
quotes, too, because it sounds more like a creepy pedophile trying to imitate a
little girl.
See, and I don’t even get why I keep making these crass references
anyway; always trying to undermine the movie by being as low as the movie
itself, as crude and rude, or even worse sometimes, than the pedestrian
material I keep on slagging. And why? It just makes me look bad. I’m above
these movies. I know what good writing is and yet I constantly lower myself to
the same level as the garbage I claim to make fun of. It’s not good, people.
It’s not good!
Oh, so what, the characters in this actually live in a town called
“Snowmonton”? I guess it must be next to the Hell Township from Santa’s Slay…we
are introduced to our serial killer for the movie, none other than Jack Frost
himself. I guess you’re kind of destined to be a serial killer with eyes like
these:
 |
| Kinda the gene pool's fault on that one. |
He kills a security guard in the back of the truck somehow, because, I
dunno, they got the security guards from the local mall or something. The two
idiots in the front say that Jack Frost is lucky to die because that way he
doesn’t have to drive back through the snowstorm. So it must be divine grace
that allows their vehicle to flip over like a carnival ride and send them to
their icy deaths outside, so they don’t have to make that damn drive home.
Darwinian natural selection, folks.
Jack Frost, however, was destined for other paths…he crashes into a
truck of genetic materials conveniently driving the same way, and his DNA
merges with the snow to create the stupidest thing possible. Somehow I gather
this movie wasn't made by scientific geniuses…I dunno why that impulse is so
strong though.
 |
| Every movie should have a CGI cartoon to explain its plot. If the Godfather had a pastel-colored animation explaining the structural set-up of the mafia families, it would have been improved tenfold. If Casablanca had a claymation sequence explaining the war outside, I bet it would have been a masterpiece. |
I mean, really, that’s so stupid you could see it from space. That
stupid CGI cartoon…why am I even bothering? This is like…making fun of a
mentally handicapped kid. There was no higher thought put into this at all. Me
sitting here and bashing on this is about as useful as a blind person getting a
job as a traffic coordinator. Not to be prejudiced against the blind, but that’s
seriously what my review is like so far!
Then we see a sheriff named Sam Tiler remembering how he caught and
apprehended Jack Frost in the horrible act of being parked on the side of the
road. Jack was so mad that he started screaming at the top of his lungs about
revenge against Tiler and the rest of the town. Because he got caught for
murdering people. How dare they want him in jail…and then we see the best
winter effects ever…oh, screw it, sarcasm is so passé.
 |
| Yeah, pretty sure you need more than just a little pile of snow to make that many snowmen...but hey, with this movie, maybe we're all being duped and the "snowmen" really ARE just supposed to be made out of Styrofoam. Nobody could possibly expect us to believe they look that fake. |
Look at that shit. It’s like the middle of summer; how are we supposed
to believe this takes place in the middle of wintertime up north? Half the time
they have big snowmen built and then nothing but bare brown soil and grass all
around them. The scenery conveniently switches between that and actual snowy
ground outside when it’s not supposed to be much time passing at all between
scenes…it’s just a mess. Suspension of disbelief is fine and dandy, but why
would you even want to believe any of this? Like the snowman itself...
 |
| That's not a serial killer slasher, that's a Ronald McDonald character reject. Try harder. |
Outside, the kid, whose name is Ryan, gets in a fight with some bullies
who just come by and screw with him outside his own house. They try to make him
snowboard (…), but somehow their leader ends up getting his head cut off.
Everyone treats this like it’s just an everyday occurrence, like it’s just a
kid with a paper cut. The father of the decapitated kid tries to play off like
it was Ryan who killed his son, because I guess this neighborhood has a big
history of little kids decapitating their school playmates. The logical
conclusion, clearly.
While the town is reeling over that as well as the mysterious murder of
some old fart on the outskirts of town that Jack Frost killed, Jack Frost goes
and kills a family in the true Yuletide spirit:
 |
| Such taste, such class! The Christmas spirit is strong with this movie. |
Why is he even doing this at all? I guess he just needs a vehicle for
awful puns. After every kill he says some horrible joke that sounds like it
came from the bowels of the 1950s. “I only axed
you for a smoke!” after killing someone with an ax, for instance…Jesus, these
jokes are bad. If you really want to see the worst this movie has, though, look
no further than…
Yup. A snowman carrot rape scene. You know what? I’m not even gonna
bother. It's tasteless beyond belief, as unfunny as cancer and without any kind of value or reason to exist. Next scene.
There are these two “FBI agents,” note the quotes, who basically are
just there to add the illusion that this movie has a story. Every character in
this movie is in love with the phrase “Oh shit” as their sole exclamation of
shock and awe. Kinda takes the actual shock
and awe out of the equation, don’t you think? It’s like this movie was
written by idiotic stoned teenagers who watched too many Bill and Ted movies in
their parents’ basement.
Jack Frost kills some more people by turning from snow into water,
which I guess is one of his genetically altered superpowers…they all end up at
the police station where it’s revealed that the two “FBI agents” are actually
from some kind of secret science lab or something where the chemicals that made
Jack what he is came from. So they’re basically on a PR mission to save their
asses. Nice. The attempts at making an actual story out of this – some crap
about genetic melding of snow with DNA – are laughable because they could have
easily used the miniscule thought that went into this to create something with,
I dunno, ACTUAL MERIT AND STORYTELLING WORTH.
 |
| "This is only the second or third time we've had a mutant serial killer created by our chemicals...our bad..." |
See, and that’s another thing I keep falling back on like mad, that I
have to stop. That damn over-use of caps lock to prove a point. I like to
accentuate words in these reviews to make them more entertaining and to show
how I feel about certain things. But I just have been doing this caps lock shit
way, way too much. And it’s sucking me dry.
Sigh…so where were we? There’s a scene where one of the secret agent
guys starts shooting his gun at Jack when he’s melted into water…next!
 |
| "I'm the top marksman in my class! Water, you better watch out! I'm coming to get you!" God what a friggin idiotic idea... |
They eventually blow up the police station and think they’ve killed
Jack, but because this movie is resilient to actually pleasing its audience by
ending, it continues to drag on. So, then what? They try to kill him in a
furnace? Surely that must be the end, right? No, because we still have more bad
jokes to puke out and, hey, I still have to make gross bodily fluid references
because I guess I have nothing else to fall back on.
But man. This movie is seriously insipid. How many fake-outs do we have
to have before it just gets old? Are the makers of this nonsense really
contributing anything to the artistic side of film or the comedic side by
continuing like this? I’m seriously asking here. It’s beyond simply bad writing
and into straight up bizarre, mean spirited and cruel torture on the viewers.
Just end it already! You’re doing absolutely nothing worth watching!
 |
| Is that supposed to be the real wall? I wouldn't be surprised if they really didn't have the budget to make a wall and then forgot about it later and burst through it like a Wile E. Coyote cartoon. |
…yeah, I guess addressing the film like it’s another person I’m talking
to in conversation never really worked that well, huh? Those damn movies never
listen to me anyway.
After lots more horrendous “comedy,” we finally find out the real way
to kill this stupid snowman after all – Anti-Freeze. Lots and lots of Anti-Freeze.
They find out because apparently Ryan made Sheriff Tiler some nasty looking
goop with Anti-Freeze in it because “he didn’t want him to get cold.” Wow. You
could’ve almost killed your father there, you little brat. I think we’ll see
this kid on an episode of Darwin Awards someday for something so horrific I don’t
even want to imagine. But in this one oddly specific, overly coincidental
occurrence…he saves the day. And provides us with the lovely factoid that
snowmen can bleed:
 |
| Is it an abstract painting? No, but it is proof that even with snowmen, Troma-style gore still has a place. |
This movie shouldn’t have had a killer snowman in it. Without that
garbage, it would have been a dark story about a little kid who killed his
father by messing around in the kitchen with stuff that belongs in a garage.
But with it? It’s total wastoid, burnout crap with no value to anyone, and the
fact that it has a “cult following,” according to Wikipedia makes me very sad
for humanity. But as I am not in the business now of overly exaggerating
everything into a life-or-death manner, I’ll just shrug it off and continue
being better than the kind of people who would make low-brow, mean spirited
trash like this.
As for my own dilemma, I just don’t know what the future holds from
this point out. I feel like my reviews have become stagnant. It’s becoming more
and more of a strain to write them and I just don’t feel like they’re as good
anymore. I still want to do these
reviews, sure; but not at the expense of credibility. I’m not as excited about
the material I’m reviewing or as interested in actually making new jokes and
evaluating things in a meaningful manner. So I think I’ll stop trying so hard
and…wait for inspiration to come to me, rather than chasing it futilely. Peace
out.
The images in this review are copyright of their original owners.
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