Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Troll 2 Review: Part 1

I have a confession to make…before tonight, I had never seen Troll 2. One of the defining bad movies of our generation, and I haven’t even touched nor made reference to it on the Cinema Freaks blog yet…how do I even have my Bad Movie Reviewing License at all? Oh wait, I bribed the guy giving them out with dirty pictures of him with hookers and forced him to give me the license:


That’s right. How did I get so confused? Well, probably because I just watched Troll 2.


Seriously, what is there to be said about this that hasn’t already been said? I’m not sure I can really add a thing that everyone else hasn’t already made fun of…from the terrible acting to the silly dialogue, Troll 2 is just a spectacle of everything that can possibly go wrong with a film. It’s practically an institution now. This is the bottom of the barrel for the mainstream world – the absolute nadir. They hold big old Rocky Horror-esque conventions now to watch this thing, even. I bet the makers didn’t expect that back in 1990 when it came out. And now it’s getting the Cinema Freaks treatment whether it likes it or not.

The movie starts off with a story about a guy walking in the woods when he’s approached by goblins in the woods…not trolls, goblins; it’s made very explicit that that’s what they are. So why is the movie called Troll 2 then? I’m two minutes in and already this is warping my mind! Jesus. What’s next, are they going to reveal that this is all a story being told by a creepy old bearded man to his grandson?

There's something wrong with Grandpa!

Huh. That was just a lucky guess.

This is Grandpa, who tells main character Joshua that he can’t interrupt Grandpa’s oh-so-great bedtime story about goblins in the woods. Because I’m sure that’s an awesome story to tell a kid. Back in the world of the story, the guy in the woods meets Freckles Girl, who has freckles, and so she gets turned into a plant and devoured! Just look at the expert costuming on these goblins:

They look like a cross between a monkey, an Ewok and a brain tumor. With spears!

Then the kid starts leaking Nickelodeon slime from his forehead…and no, I haven’t been smoking anything while watching or writing this…

So THIS is where Nickelodeon got their ideas...

Apparently this whole thing was just a cautionary tale to warn Joshua that his family will soon have a horrible ordeal involving goblins that can turn people into plants to be eaten. Because it’s good to have relatives that look after your best interests. My grandparents always used to warn me about the dangers of credit card fraud, and getting stuck in ATM boxes by crazed killers. Frankly, it’s just good to have your elders looking out for you.

But unfortunately for Joshua, he forgot again that his grandfather was dead…you know, because that always happens…his mother comes in and reminds him that the old fart died months ago and that Joshua is just as crazy as shit. SO WHO WAS READING HIM THE STORY? The movie wants us to believe that, yes, the grandpa really was reading him the story FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE! Eh. Still a better ghost story than any Paranormal Activity movie.

Then we get introduced to the greatest romance this side of Romeo and Juliet, the crazy sister, Holly, and her pushover boyfriend, Elliot. She keeps bugging him to stop hanging out with his friends, who literally followed him to his girlfriend’s house and are acting like total tools – who’s bright idea was THAT for a Friday night? “Hey, guys, let’s go to our buddy’s girlfriend’s house with him! Totally doesn’t make us look like needy morons!”

"Ooh! A girl's room?! I haven't been in one of those since my sister and her friends used to tie me up and put make up on my face!" Seriously, look at their facial expressions - shit's hilarious.

Also the girlfriend is totally 80s…I mean, with the spandex and the stupid music…really? This is what you’re expecting us to eat up?

Played to a symphony of poppy spandex-fueled 80s butt rock, this scene is a perfect picture of the 80s.

Also, when Elliot asks what’s wrong with spending time with his friends, Holly answers that only virgins do that…yes…the correlation between being a virgin and having friends is mutually exclusive; God these characters are such geniuses! Then she tells him how much her father hates him and finds him a good for nothing lowlife, and then says she can’t wait to see him tomorrow when he comes with them on the trip…such amazing incitement to go on the trip and not just get high, right? I’m really baffled as to why this guy puts up with this chick. She’s clearly batshit insane and does nothing but give him grief over everything…I guess the sex must be really good. Or he’s just retarded. Either one wouldn’t surprise me.

The next day the whole family is going on a trip out to a middle-of-nowhere town called Nilbog where they plan to switch houses with a rural country family for the summer. That’s a really stupid idea. There’s a really weird scene where Holly and her mother are both crying over the fact that Elliot never showed up like it’s a big soap opera – I’ve seriously never seen less realistic crying outside of one, anyway. The dad says it’s the final straw and he hates Elliot now, even though Holly said in the previous scene that her family already didn’t like him…yep, I’m confused again.

But it’s OK, because then it’s SINGING TIME! The mom asks – rather, demands – Joshua to start singing. She just out of the blue orders him to start singing, like he’s a hostage or a slave or something. I wonder what birthday parties are like for this family…

“OK Joshua, before you get your presents, YOU HAVE TO SING.”

“But Momma, I want to open my prese---“

“SING, YOU DEMON CHILD!”

“Momma, stop pointing that gun at me!”

“Do I have to ask again?!”

Horrifying. But not as horrifying as when they stop on the side of the road and Joshua talks to the ghost of his grandpa again (telling him to stop his family from going to Nilbog), but then it turns out to just be a dirty old homeless hitchhiker. Couldn’t this have just turned out so badly? He could have been kidnapped! This movie gets pretty dark at times…I mean, holy shit. And I must reiterate that I’m so glad the grandfather is helping Joshua stop the family from entering this crazy goblin town. That’s an oddly specific mission from God, isn’t it? “Grandpa, you will help your family to not be eaten by goblins who turn people into plants with green slime. I HAVE DECLARED IT AND SO IT SHALL BE DONE!”

"Aw, man, Joshua's talking to homeless rapists again. Joshua, didn't we tell you to stop that?"

Oh, and meanwhile there’s also the plot of Elliot the pushover boyfriend and his moron friends following in a camper that they park outside of town in the woods. I guess they’re late because they’re friends with each other, which of course means they’re going nowhere in life. Oh how ridiculous…then we get another scene of Joshua having a dream where Nickelodeon slime is dripping down his face and everyone is filmed with creepy wide angles and lighting from below. Joshua should probably lay off the crack.

Hi, wide angle lens! How are you today?

But let’s be honest – the mother was already creepy before this anyway. I mean, that scene where she makes him sing? That was just the tip of the iceberg. She’s constantly glaring, talking in a loud voice and acting like a domineering tyrant. I think Carrie’s mom was less vehement. Look at this face; how can you not shit your pants upon seeing that?

They get to Nilbog and find that the house they’re staying in has no food or pretty much anything in it, except some meals already randomly laid out on the table. Ignoring the fact that these meals could be stale or something, they just sit right down, not questioning a thing, and eat it – and did I mention it all is coated with some kind of green slimy, moldy fuzz? Appetizing!

Oh yeah, I would totally eat that. You wouldn't? You're just too picky.

Luckily grandpa climbs through the window and freezes time so he can figure out how to stop everyone from eating the food. Yes. He freezes time. I’ll let that sink in…OK, done. So what is Joshua’s brilliant solution to stop his family from eating the food? Well, I think showing as opposed to telling would be the best idea here:

Oh yeah, Troll 2 pissin' action time...why don't more movies have scenes where the main character has to pee on something to save the day? I bet Casablanca or Citizen Kane could have really benefited from that!

This also spawns the famous line from George Hardy’s father character, “YOU CAN’T PISS ON HOSPITALITY! I WON’T ALLOW IT!” And it’s true. You can’t piss on hospitality. That ought to be on some welcome mats at hospitals or nursing homes or something. Then whenever someone acts out of line even a little bit, the movie quote would be shouted at them violently. Ah, I do have the best ideas for health care…

After that nonsense, we have one of the nerdy 80s guys in Elliot’s van going outside and immediately finding a girl running through the fields clearly afraid. So he chases after her and tackles her down to the ground. She could be being chased by a serial killer for all you know, you moron! You could have just made it easier for him to catch her!

OK, there’s no killer…but she is scared, though she won’t say of what. For some stupid reason they don’t go back to the camper, but instead further into unknown territory, and end up just breaking into the first random place they find – some creepy church-looking building, which is coincidentally the home of the main villain of the film. WOW, you guys are incompetent! Try to escape and you end up walking right into the jaws of the person behind the whole thing! That’s a new level of stupid.

Aaaaand I’m out of space for this – the whole review is so damned long that I can’t even fit it all in one review. So click on the post above this and READ ON to find out who the mysterious villain of Troll 2 is...there is so much more to come! So much more!

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