Sunday, December 18, 2011

REVIEW: Bikini Girls on Ice (2009)

Yup, it’s that time again, to review a stupid slasher movie! I should probably be reviewing a winter-themed horror flick, but I live in Florida and we have no concept of snow or even cold, really. So I’ll be reviewing this, because hey, it’s got ice in the title, so it’s about as close as Florida ever gets to winter anyway.

Director: Geoff Klein
Starring: Cindel Chartrand, Danielle Doetsch

Yes, Bikini Girls on Ice, that’s the real title. Am I dreaming? Well, apparently not, because this is a movie about a bunch of chicks wearing bikinis getting put quite literally AND figuratively on ice. I can’t make this stuff up, people. Ah well. At least it isn’t as misogynistic as 5ive Girls.

So we start off with a chick driving at night wearing a bikini. She stops for directions at a creepy old gas station, and seems to be completely oblivious to the fact that walking into a dark, unfamiliar place wearing almost nothing MIGHT – might – not be the best idea in the world. But it’s OK, because help really is right on the way:

Interesting position there, girl...
He likes putting them in ice boxes! So that's what the title means! Pointless, seeing as we NEVER explore any reason why he does this...we never even figure out his name, for Pete's sake!

Whoops, did I say help is on the way? I must have confused ‘help’ with ‘getting killed brutally’ again…oh, and I love how even though she was only inside for a second, the killer still found time to chain her car up so she couldn’t drive away. Not like that would be audible or anything, right? But don’t worry, his super-ninja skills will pop up again and again for more absolutely implausible nonsense all throughout the flick!

We’re introduced to two guys named Blake and Tommy, who are planning to take a bunch of hot chicks to a bikini car wash to get money, but Tommy, despite looking like a Calvin Klein model, is only interested in fixing cars for the rest of his life and nothing else, and Blake only wants to impress this one chick named Lina SO MUCH that he has to act like a creepy pervert at all times during the film. I’m so glad these two bozos are running the operation; truly it looks to be a success!

Then we see some great character development as our two main girls are introduced, with one named Sam showing off her bikini to her friend Jenna and asking how hot her boobs look. Because that’s what girls talk about when they’re by themselves. Really.

This is like what guys think girls do all day in their rooms when guys aren't around...

Apparently because they’re all such geniuses, they don’t even bring any other clothes to put on in case something bad happens. Like them all getting stranded and killed off. So glad they just wore their bikinis for that, so they wouldn’t have any pockets to hide things in or anything…

So the first twenty minutes or so pretty much consists of the bus breaking down, which means they’re stuck at the gas station from the opening; oh no! But what about the killer? Well, they’re all complete idiots, which means he’s able to stay completely hidden until way later in the film, and they don’t notice him at all. Convenient. His magical ninja powers, despite being a big hulking brute, are admirable, as you’ll see.

Tommy is elected to fix the bus, as he’s the only one who knows how, only it’ll take several hours, much to the disdain of Lina, who is absolutely obsessed with getting to the beach and washing cars in her bikini. Why? I…don’t know actually. They seem to have forgotten to write that motivation into the script. So mostly she just comes off like a big spaz. “Must get to car wash, must get to car wash, MUST GET TO CAR WASH!” God, lady; calm down!

So Blake spends his time acting like a salivating lapdog at her feet, even though she’s horribly rude to him all the time and seems to have no human feelings – it’s like, there are ALL THESE CHICKS mostly naked around, and you pick the one who shouts at you and treats you like garbage? Really? Oh and Tommy likes Jenna. This subplot is not important at all and is mostly just a footnote, because it won’t really come up much at all for the rest of the film.

And these other two girls are LESBIANS!

Fanservice time! It never comes up again and has no relevance to the story, but yeah I'll admit it's pretty hot.

How drop-dead sexy…even though this won’t be brought up again and one of them actually has sex with a guy later, so…hooray for that plot thread, I guess.

The girls start washing cars there at the gas station and we get lots of ass shots and other stuff that, while visually appealing, doesn’t speak much for the integrity of the actresses to appear in trash like this. But hey, everyone’s gotta start somewhere, and who knows, maybe these girls will go on to do something truly worthwhile with their acting careers after this!

.....yeah....

…yeah, I can’t even pretend to believe that, either.

So yeah this French couple comes by to get gas. The husband goes inside alone and is confused by the lack of any people inside. I don’t even get it, why is everyone constantly so surprised by that? The place looks abandoned. Why do they keep looking around so much? And then we see one of the movie’s chief plot points – people walking into dark, suspicious looking places alone and not paying attention to their surroundings. The French guy goes into this weird little ice-box room thing and gets killed by the killer, shock of shocks. How did nobody outside see or hear anything? Because…the gas station has a sound-proof invisible forcefield around it, I suppose.

After that, the wife goes in to check and finds her husband dead inside, with the killer towering over him. She conveniently does NOT scream or make any noise that would alert everyone to the killer’s presence all at once, and so he goes undetected yet again as he kills her. The odd thing about this scene is the brutal, unrelenting way he pounds and pounds on her with that ax, while he only stabbed the husband once at most…I need logic from my movie serial killers, dammit! Logic!

"Ew, go away bikini-clad girl, I'M WITH MY TRUE LOVE, THE VEHICLE!"

So then Lesbian Bimbo #1 is apparently bisexual now, and has some rough sex with a guy in his car behind the gas station; truly romantic. She tells Lina about it, and Lina gets the idea to seduce Blake into getting the bus so she can blackmail him like the great character she is! Oh man, I’m so invested in these characters’ issues! Will they ever get to the beach?

Anyway, he drives the bus behind the gas station and Lina and Lesbian Bimbo #2 follow him, ready to take a picture and blackmail him, but when they open the door…


That’s right, the killer got to him and replaced him with a dead dog! How? Uh…MAGIC! Clearly that’s the only explanation for how he slips effortlessly quietly in and out of these small areas and kidnaps and kills people without anyone else noticing anything is wrong. That’s just how good this guy is!

To be fair, though, the characters are so stupid most of the time that it’s not like he has his work cut out for him. Like when Lesbian Bimbo #2 goes wandering around BY HERSELF in the dark garage when she could have easily taken the others with her…but hey, it wouldn’t be a slasher movie without characters wandering off on their own like absent-minded children, would it?

So yeah, she gets killed put on ice, and then it’s dark suddenly, even though before it didn’t even look like the sun was remotely close to setting…amazing. We see our remaining characters, Tommy, Jenna, Sam and Lina, all standing around discussing what to do next and looking for clues. And, okay, I gotta bring this up; it’s really hard to take this seriously. I love seeing these hot chicks in bikinis as much as any straight guy would, but when you have these scenes of them all standing around in the middle of the woods mostly naked and talking about serious stuff…it doesn’t really work. It’s just such an obvious ploy to get these girls to wear those bikinis in the first place – there’s no other reason for it! It’s as cheap and flimsy an excuse for tits and ass as you can get. In fact, why not just go all the way and make it a porno? If you’re going to put money, time and effort into making this half-assed slasher cliché just to get a bunch of girls to run around in bathing suits for you, why not go further and just make it a porno? Don’t do anything halfway, that’s just weak!

Haha, so hilarious, them trying to be taken seriously...it's not their fault though. Blame the director more than anyone.

Okay, rant over, let’s just get this crap over with…Sam punches Lina in the face, so she goes off on her own. Blake calls her on the random working phone the gas station conveniently has and she thinks he’s playing a practical joke on her, so she hangs up and cuts the power cord so he can’t call back. What a worthless piece of trash! Fortunately she gets it right after that. ICED! And right when she was looking in the ice box too! What a punny way to die. Oh and Tommy and Jenna sporadically make out - and that's the end of that love story! Glad it was in the movie! A real romance for the ages; this generation's Romeo and Juliet! Ugh...even the sarcasm is getting old...

Tommy sees a light flickering in this house a little ways away, and goes to check it out alone, leaving the other girls behind. STUPID! TAKE THEM WITH YOU! But I guess that would make sense, so he can’t do it in this movie. In the house he finds Blake trapped behind a door, and goes to try and find something to get him out, but, shock of all shocks yet again, the killer kills him while Tommy is out of the room for 2 seconds again.

Then he kills Tommy too, in the same boring way he kills everyone in this movie – just bludgeoning him over the head with a big ax. That’s it. You know, this could have easily been a pretty enjoyable flick if there was any creativity put into these kills! But noooo, all we get is boring caveman ‘hit you over the head’ crap like this…ugh. No taste, Bikini Girls on Ice. No taste.

So Jenna and Sam escape in a car only to hear something banging on the inside of the trunk! Despite all evidence suggesting they should keep going and wait until they’re in town to open it, Jenna decides that RIGHT NOW is the time to be an idiot, and forces Sam to pull over so they can open the trunk and reveal that it’s actually the killer inside!

Ah, the old 'jack in the box' method of serial killing.

No, really, it is the killer inside. Yeah, stupid, huh? He kills Sam and I bet Jenna is really feeling like an idiot about now…but he knocks her out anyway. She wakes up and is able to finally run away when this old crazy guy confronts the killer and distracts him. The end of the movie is a couple of randoms being killed off by the killer in his usual oh-so-creative method of killing…man, I need to stop saying the word ‘kill.’

So this was stupid and ridiculous, but at least we got to see some hot chicks in bikinis, even if it was a phenomenally brainless way of getting them there (and even if they didn’t end up getting naked at all…). Surprisingly this wasn’t as annoying or under-produced as I thought it would be, so mostly it was just boring and predictable. And now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go ahead and run from the feminist groups probably rallying at my door after reading this review…

Nah, who am I kidding. Nobody actually reads these.