Monday, June 21, 2010

Review: Blood Monkey (2007)

Director: Robert Young
Starring: F. Murray Abraham, Matt Ryan

Son of a bitch. This movie pisses me off because...well, it's called Blood Monkey, goddammit! I was expecting something entertaining and campy! It's got a cover with a big ape flashing its sharp teeth at us, and I thought I'd really get something enjoyable. But they play it straight. Yup, apparently a movie called Blood Monkey really sounded like a serious thriller to these morons. Fuck it; just fuck it, let's get this over with.

This is a movie that is under the guise that the audience will still be endeared by timeless stereotypes like, the jock, the preppy girl who hates doing athletic things, and the quiet guy who will save everyone's asses. There are six of them total, with one girl for every guy, and guess what? They all get to pair up! Charming. They go into the jungle with a guy who is clearly hiding something, as he lies to them every chance he gets about his true motive.

"What, we really AREN'T the first ones to get to the bottom of the cliff? Okay, we'll still trust you."

"What do you MEAN you're setting us all up to be killed and eaten by the giant apes we never see on the screen, just so you can fulfill a ludicrous science experiment? Okay then, we'll still go along with it!"

God, what a bunch of retards. Use your brains! There's only him and his assisant; you have strength in numbers! Wouldn't this be a much better movie if they actually had some real nail-biting action going on? All they do is talk! I wouldn't mind if this was well written dialogue meant to psychologically scare us, but it's just dumbass exposition most of the time; how is this entertainment?

You'd think a movie titled Blood Monkey would be something cool, but it's not! It's just horrendously lame. This is just an hour and a half of stalling. We don't even get to see the damn monkey. All we get are flashes that last about half a second. Did they just not have the money to show the titular monkey? Because if so, my advice is, just don't make the damn movie. What a waste of time. Holy hell, just get this off my Netflix instant player.