Review: Cashback (2006)

Director: Sean Ellis

Starring: Sean Biggerstaff, Emilia Fox, Shaun Evans

Website: http://www.cashbackthemovie.com/

“So, you wanna…come up to my bedroom? Eat some popcorn? Shag?”

-Jenkins

GOD, WHAT THE FUCK? Okay, let me just spoil the premise now and get it out of the way: A movie about a guy who is so depressed over the fact that he broke up with his girlfriend because he felt like he wasn’t good enough for her, that he starts becoming an insomniac and is able to freeze time, so he undresses women and draws them without their consent. And it thinks that somehow, we should be sympathetic for him! Isn’t that precious? Does that sound like a good movie to you? Ugh. Just…ugh. That sums up the movie, people, but we’ve still got a review to do. Let’s see what horrors that CashBack has in store for us…be afraid.

I don’t even care that this movie shows more pairs of naked breasts than your average porno. It’s a piece of trash. This is so puerile and so whimsically disgusting and insulting on every level – including that of thinking it is a good comedy, and that of thinking it is a good movie – that nothing could ever save it. Watching more than a minute of this drivel really hurts. Even thinking about this movie just makes me feel dirty; how am I supposed to review it? Well, let’s…let’s try, I guess.

It stars a wimpy art student named Ben who gets ridiculously depressed over the fact that his girlfriend who HE BROKE UP WITH is dating someone else. The first scene shows him being physically abused by his girlfriend as he breaks up with her. She throws a lamp – a fucking lamp – at his head, and some other stuff, and it really begs the question of why the hell he wants her back so bad, anyway. Would you? He spends the first five or ten minutes agonizing over her and lamenting why he’s such a pussy. Here’s a tip for you writers: if your script makes Juno look manly in comparison, I think you need a rewrite. A major one. Because I don’t know about the rest of you, but I sure as hell do not want to listen to a bunch of ball-aching whining from a kid who in all other aspects of his life is doing pretty well. This isn’t charming; it isn’t romantic, it’s just flat out annoying. Bunch of simpering crap.

But hey, at least we have jokes! Like the first one, not even ten minutes in, where we see an art class drawing a nude model that farts while he’s standing there in the middle of the circle! Ha! He farts! Get it? It’s funny because it’s a natural bodily function, I guess. That’s why they repeat it SEVERAL MORE TIMES.

We’re not even ten minutes in yet. Annoying bitching from a spoiled college student, and fart jokes; that’s the movie so far. That’s all there is. Wondrous.

So apparently our main hero Ben gets so depressed over his self-inflicted loss of his girlfriend that he can’t sleep anymore, which gives him ample time for more whining about his inner pain. He takes a job at a supermarket where he gets a crush on the girl working the register. While trying to pass the time, he finds out he can actually freeze time. Doesn’t that sound like an interesting idea for a movie? Wouldn’t that be a great concept to elaborate on and work into the traditional romantic comedy template? Well, they don’t. They have Ben freeze time in order to undress all the women in the store at the time – quite a lot for the night shift, too – and draw them in varying poses that would be extremely humiliating to most people. But the movie suggests that it’s artistic.

I mean, goddamn, this just raises some questions…he doesn’t find anything wrong with this? He doesn’t see anything wrong with undressing women against their will and moving them around like some sick-ass fetish artist? It’s one thing to have an appreciation for the human body like many artists do, but that means getting WILLING CONSENT from people to pose nude for you to draw. It doesn’t mean what the perverted freaks that made this movie think, which is, “hey, I’ll just go around randomly undressing women and violating their privacy because I’m a depraved fuckwit with no sense of personal boundaries”! It wouldn't be so bad if he weren't made out to be such a sympathetic character, and if the movie was based around showing his clear mental deficiency, but eugh. It’s one thing to introduce a plot like this in a movie that explains the time freezing and makes it into something interesting and compelling, but this doesn’t explain anything about the time traveling! I get it; it’s supposed to be a metaphor for something about how you spend your time, but they don’t even have one bit of a notion of where they’re going with it. It’s completely directionless. They have a scene where it’s revealed that apparently there’s someone else who can move when time is frozen…but it’s never elaborated upon; only used as a plot point to reach the extremely hammy climax. Really, movie? Because I’d sure as hell want to investigate that further. I’d want to learn as much about the time freezing as possible. But this kid apparently only cares about not being single, and so he completely ignores every aspect of this groundbreaking scientific phenomenon which has been afflicted upon him.

What is explained, however, is how Ben got this so-called “appreciation of the female form” in the first place…apparently he and his dumbass womanizing friend were even friends as children, when they waited until his mom left and then looked at all his dad’s porn magazines, where Ben first sees the naked female form displayed as brazenly as it can be displayed. “I always thought it would be neater,” Ben narrates over this scene, referring to a woman’s tenderer bits. “Like a smooth, round, perfect hole.” And then his friend’s mom comes back and they have to hide them again. But they couldn’t hide their…nine-year-old-boy erections! “From then on, Sean’s mom always thought we were gay,” Ben narrates.

AGH! What is this shit? Who would actually find this funny?! It’s not funny; it’s just sexist, annoying crap without even one trace of real humor about it. It’s the bottom of the barrel, folks, and we’re not even halfway through. There’s still a lot more unfunny jokes, trite romance and horrible slime to slog through, so let’s just rush through it and get this over with, because I can’t take much more.

Ben’s co workers include a stereotypical Asian guy who is usually silent and is a master of karate, because that’s never been done before, and two jackasses who play the worst practical jokes known to man, like…pantsing him in front of the girl he likes, and placing penis-shaped shampoo into womens’ carts to see who buys it. Awful. Their boss, Jenkins, is a complete idiot and a pervert who I think actually kills starving African children every time he opens his mouth. I am not even exaggerating here; not ONE BIT of this guy’s dialogue is even in the same ballpark as what would be considered good humor. And that’s saying a lot, considering the caliber of the humor in this movie already. There are a lot of eye-raping montages showing our lovable cast of demented retards getting ready for a party, and…alright. Alright, honestly, what the hell is this? I am no longer responsible for any comments I make about anyone in this movie, or involved with it. It’s out of my hands.

He develops a romance with the cashier girl, who is clearly insane to even think about dating a nutball like him, but whatever. Their romance is cliché and completely uninteresting, and jumps sluggishly through all the usual hoops. She fulfills the dream he’s always had to find a girl who thinks artists are cool because of some bullshit reason. At a party, she sees him getting kissed by his ex girlfriend and storms off angry. They make up when she sees the volumes upon volumes of pictures he’s drawn of her displayed publicly in an art gallery, which suggests that she should definitely get back together, meaning that nothing matters except glorifying the woman and pandering to every inch of her ego. Nothing matters at all in a relationship except making her feel like a goddess. That’s all she needs and she’ll love you forever for that. Great job, Cashback. Great fucking job.

I…just hate this movie with every bone in my body, and I mean that. It’s so horrible that it goes beyond comprehension. This was a terrible experience that I will never revisit. In what universe could this possibly be considered interesting, thought provoking, emotional or enjoyable? It’s practically a spectacle in itself; how much can we possibly disgust and offend the audience? I don’t care if it’s all a big metaphor, it’s completely unwatchable. Appreciation for the female form? Don’t make me laugh; all this movie is is a depraved, perverted sideshow of female exploitation, nothing but the director’s excuse to show off how many women he can get to take their shirts off.

I feel sorry for everyone involved in this shitpiling to end all shitpilings, but I feel the need to go the extra mile and express how I really feel about this film: I hope the director (and by default, the writer) is castrated, stoned and anally violated, or any order of the above, and then stranded in a third world country and left to be eaten by vultures miles south of a third world nation he could have helped instead of spending money to make this movie. I hope all of the actors lose their careers over this movie, become hermits and drink themselves to death in cheap hotel rooms. I hope everyone else involved never works again, and finds themselves scorned forever by any known filmmaking community; maybe they can find work at gas stations or Publix. I hope every copy of this movie is burned in the ovens from the Holocaust (because it is similar on a smaller scale, to the film community) and sprinkled over the furthest point of the oceans imaginable, forgotten for forever and a day. I hate this movie with every fiber in me!

Harsh and unbelievably offensive? Yes. But you know why it’s okay? Because I was only using it as an example to illustrate my point, and therefore it’s artistic expression! Hah! Get it?

Kazaam (1996)

Starring: Shaquille O'Neal, Francis Capra, Ally Walker

Directed by Paul Michael Glaser

IMDb page: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0116756/

Wikipedia page: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kazaam

"Kazaam" is a film about a genie (basketball star Shaquille O'Neal) who must grant three wishes to Max (Francis Capra), a troubled young boy who is hoping to connect with his estranged father (James Acheson).

This movie really annoyed me. The kid is a little brat who spends most of his time on screen acting like a smart-ass and antagonizing everyone he comes across, including the audience. He also tries to establish a relationship with his father, who is involved in organized crime and yet Max still feels he is a viable alternative to his mother (Ally Walker) and his would-be step-father (John Costelloe), who are not that bad. Did I mention he is also stupid? As for Shaq...well...let's just say he is better on the court (well, in his prime anyway) than onscreen. His performance comes off as silly and awkward, though to be fair he does seem to have fun in the role. The two characters do not get along well during any point of the film with the exception of the end (which is kind of required) and in the middle when they engage in a god-awful rap duet, which is one of unfortunately many dumb scenes throughout the picture.

The worst part about this movie, even more from the performances, is that it does not really make sense. It is supposedly aimed at kids but it spends a lot of time focused on a bunch of criminals and people hanging around clubs. Were the filmmakers trying to bring in Shaq's older fans? I am not sure but whatever they were trying to do, they failed. It is a little odd to be putting that in a film that also features the basketball player riding around on a magical bicycle and making junk food fall down from the sky. As a result, it makes you lose focus on the plot and gives you less reason to about what happens next. It is not helped by a number of plot holes. I will not mention all of them, but here is one example: a stereotypical Middle-Eastern crime lord (Philip Santella) knows all about Kaazam's powers and limitations despite having very the little knowledge about him. Maybe he knows about genies based upon what he learned in his homeland, but we will never know.

Well, there is nothing else I can really say except...the film sucks and I do not recommend it.

Review: Omen IV: The Awakening (1991)

Director: Jorge Montesi, Dominique Othenin-Gerard

Starring: Faye Grant, Michael Woods, Asia Vieira

IMDB Page: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102585/

"Did you order clowns?"

-Some Random Nun

There’s an Omen IV? That’s really all I could think when I saw this one for the first time. I was just so shocked. But certainly I was never going to review it. I hated the last two Omen movies, so I was going to stay as faaaaaar away from this one as humanly possible. I would never rev---oh, fuck it, why do I bother? Hey, everybody, let’s take a trip down cocaine-smokin’ pointless sequel land and into the magical realm of What-the-Fuck-ville, where anomalies like this particular wart on the anus of horror cinema reside…

This movie starts off with the inconspicuous and totally innocent adoption of a child. But after the loving parents take their brand new baby home for the first time, we see a young nun feeling guilty about it. She talks to her superior, freaking out about the spontaneous eclipse, her superior slaps her around a little bit and then promptly has a heart attack and dies. The younger nun runs downstairs into the church and sees a cross turning upside down, and then she falls to the ground and lets out a really exaggerated scream. And I mean…this is bad acting right here. Please, someone use the money made on this movie to send her back to acting school!

Oh, hold on. Wait a second. They didn’t make any money on this movie? Well, gee, color me surprised.

Then we get to indulge in all the usual Omen festivities.  Like seeing baby Delia start to cry furiously as she’s about to be baptized. Except this time the priest dies right away in the same manner as the head nun does, after they leave…and in one of the strangest scenes of the franchise, the mother gets scratched by the infant baby and actually gets an infection. It must have messed with her brain cells a little bit though, as we see her a few years later playing hide and seek with her daughter at a birthday party right next to a big road where a huge 18-wheel truck is coming by. Because that’s good parenting, right? She gets saved by her own personal Lassie that looks exactly like the dog in the first movie. Oh, and did I mention that Delia's big intimidating moment thus far is biting on the face of a Barbie doll? Truly strikes fear into the heart of men, I tell you.

At pre-school she gets into a fight with a kid who stomps on her lunch box, and then apparently she bites him, so they’re all in trouble now. She keeps fucking around with the kid and scaring him, so his father gets mad and gets his head cut off by a truck delivering some…clown bouncy balls to the school for some reason. Didn’t we see this exact same thing in the original Omen? I think we did. And it was cooler there. Then we get the school’s…random horse riding day, because every school has a random horse riding day, and the animals start going crazy! Surprised? Well, maybe if this kind of thing didn’t happen in the other movies before it, as well as any other movie involving Satanic themes. And then we even get a nanny hired for “special needs children”…goddammit, are you assholes even trying? This is EXACTLY LIKE THE FIRST OMEN MOVIE ALL OVER AGAIN. Except instead of riveting suspense, we get dullard boredom and trite retreading of already established clichés. It’s not scary, it’s just fucking dull.

Since the movie isn’t stupid enough yet, they add in the idea that Delia is actually menstruating at eight years old. I know that really happens in some extreme cases, but it’s just silly in the context of this particular movie. And it still isn’t stupid enough yet, so what do we get? Brace yourselves here. The babysitter, Jo, is heavy into psychic babble and believes in auras and crystals and all sorts of mystical crap like that, and she actually convinces the mother to let her take Delia to – get ready – a psychic fair. And then just by walking around, the whole fair burns to the ground in less than five minutes as everyone goes running for their lives.

…do I even have to say anything about this? I mean, the original Omen movies were never subtle, but this is about as blatant as you can get. First, a psychic fair? Really? That’s the mom’s idea of a good outing for her child? And second…I just can’t even describe how funny it is to watch this scene. Just the way it goes from…well, what the movie considers normal…to random, haphazard, flaming chaos is just too much. It’s so over the top that it becomes goofy and corny as hell.

And then Jo the babysitter dies by getting thrown out a window while trying to “connect” with Delia, lands on a children’s playground accessory, and the mother faints upon seeing it. Haha. Hahahaha! That is all I have to say to this cheesy scene. God, can’t this movie even conjure up one ounce of suspense or fright at all? It’s about as useful as a screwdriver that doesn’t fit around any screws. And do you really have to have all of this really obvious shit pointing out that she’s the villain? Drawing inverted crosses in the sand, getting pissy when asked to recite a prayer at dinner…gee, I wonder why she does those things! Too bad it is in no way scary or interesting.

Then there’s a scene where she tears up a Jesus pamphlet handed to her by some door-to-door Jehovah’s Witnesses…oh my god, I just about died laughing. You know what? I think this was supposed to be a comedy. Yeah, that’s it. This is just too funny to be a horror movie; it must be a comedy! Listen to that music; it’s so fluffy and pompous that it sounds like the soundtrack to an on-ice ballet or something. Pure comedy. The mother goes to see a private detective who distracts the people he’s trying to get info from by having his buddies dress up like clowns? Yup, that’s a comedy for you. Hammy scenes of him interrogating people revealing a plot that is too convoluted and nonsensical to even be summarized…yup, that’s a comedy for you. Then the wife’s baby is born and it’s way, way too big to be a brand new baby. I mean that thing has got to be way more than the average weight for a newborn infant. Did they have any budget for this shit at all?

The detective tracks down the young nun from the beginning of the movie while she is trying to prove that snakes can’t hurt them because they have Jesus. But he shows her a picture of baby Delia, so the snakes hurt her and kill her. Lots of inverted crosses, lots of omen-ous deaths. The detective gets killed by a wrecking ball…and the rest of the movie is basically the mother going insane and over-acting over everything. Apparently the family doctor was involved in a conspiracy theory to bring out Delia’s brother who is…also the antichrist for some reason, and…oh, fuck it, I don’t know. God, and finally it’s over. A 100 minute movie that felt like it was pushing on 200.

Now, don’t get me wrong. As a comedy, this is golden, with tons of hilarious scenes for your consumption. The only problem? IT WAS MEANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. I mean honestly, who was this supposed to market to? The plot is so loose that it might as well be tied together with twisty-ties or rubber bands, the little girl is so obviously evil that it’s ridiculous to think nobody would notice earlier, and there are a million things that are either so stupid that it’s impossible to take seriously, or are just rip-offs of the original Omen. Oh, and it took two directors to make this movie; just...why? There’s no reason to watch this shitfest! Just stay away. Stay as far away as possible. Avoid this like you would avoid a confrontation with the devil…oh, wait.

Serenity: Epitaph to the Firefly Series (2005)

Director: Joss Whedon

Starring: The Ole Firefly Cast

Website: http://www.universalstudiosentertainment.com/serenity-1/

"Half of writing history is hiding the truth."

-Malcolm Reynolds

I love Firefly. And when I heard there was this movie about it also available for viewing, you can bet I was excited. I didn't get my hands on it until recently, but it was worth it - but also so different from what I expected.

Yes, Mal and his crew are all back for one more roaring ride through space in an adventure that will close the series for good. I really wish they had gone further and created more movies about these characters, as they really are priceless, but it could not come to pass, and will not, with both the events in the film and the external limits like money holding it back. A tragic case...let us glorify this last voyage, though.

The plot is that apparently when the government was operating on River Tam's brain, they let in a host of high class officials to examine her, and what was in their minds was transmitted to hers, being that she is a psychic. Now, a bounty hunter is out to kill her before the information in her brain can get out. But since she's with the Serenity crew...it will prove harder than he thought.

All the trademarks of the series are here. There is no one reason why this is good; it just is. The characters are wonderfully written and acted, the action is top notch, the storylines are gripping and draw the viewer in, and the scenery is just wonderful, imaginative and creative as hell. These are very basic facets of creating a quality story that Serenity and Firefly both exhibited in spades. You really care about these characters, and if you've seen the whole series before this, which you should have, then it's like you've been traveling with them a long time. It was good to see them all again when this started up, after a month and a half of no Firefly related material. All the action is kick ass, the chases exciting and the dialogue as sharp-ended as ever. It's like mana from heaven for a seasoned Firefly fan hungering for more.

Some of the best moments include Mal's ending fight with the bounty hunter in the control room - looks like something out of Star Wars. But somehow it being a fist-fight makes it that much more gripping and vital than anything that series ever put out. Also, I just love the scenery here. Look at the scene when all of the armies are coming together in front of that planet - gorgeous, just pure beauty. And Mr. Universe was a fun guy while he was on screen.

But things take a darker turn - perhaps darker than expected. Without a warning, at around the halfway point, we see some of our favorite characters beginning to get killed off in shockingly quick, startling deaths. What happened? My reaction was one of dull-edged shock. It was hard to watch, but at the same time, I knew it was inevitable. I won't spoil who dies here, though. That's one thing I can't do.

It is a bold move from Joss Whedon, but understandable all the same. He isn't pandering here to an audience of impressionable teenagers who don't understand Firefly beyond the hot characters and the flashy battle scenes; he's making as much of an artistic statement here as can be made with the series. This is, as much as I hate to say it, the end of the series for good, with no chance of coming back. It makes sense that some of the characters die. That's what would happen - do you think they'd really all survive these intense battles and come out alive every time? This is a series all grown up and packing to leave. And we can only watch in silence, jaws on the floor.

Oh, sure. In their world, they will continue on. They will find new members of their crew, and they will have more adventures in space, burning through the fields of stars and through plains of sand on planets unknown, but with that funeral at the end of this movie, it's clear: the best days of their lives have come and gone. It will never again be the same without the entirety of their crew from the old days, and sometimes, that's the way it has to be, as sad as it is. RIP.

Review: World's Greatest Dad (2009)

Director: Bobcat Goldthwait

Starring: Robin Williams, Daryl Sabara, Alexie Gilmore

Website: http://www.worldsgreatestdadfilm.com/

"You didn't like Kyle. I didn't either. I loved him. He was my son. He was also a douchebag."
-Lance Clayton

If your jackass of a son died in an accident while masturbating, what would you do? Because apparently Robin Williams' answer in this movie is to forge a suicide note for him to cover up the embarrassing fact of his actual death. He makes it look like a hanging, and the note he writes turns his formerly hated and outcasted son into a martyr who everyone now worships like a demigod. It also rejuvenates his writing career and makes him famous - even though nobody knows that he wrote the journal that he claims his son wrote. Whatever works for him, I guess.

This movie spends its first half building up the relationship between Lance and his son, played by former Spy Kid Daryl Sabara. The movie really pulls no punches with this character; he is a complete ingrate in every way. He looks at scat porn in his free time, makes lewd comments to the girls at school and has no respect for his father at all. He is made out to be a thoroughly unlikable character and he pretty much is. But when he dies and the fake suicide note that Lance writes is published in the school newspaper, everyone changes their tone. It is quite a scathing commentary on the hypocrisy of high school students. People who were seen bullying him before are now praising him. Even though nobody in this movie gave him a second thought when he was alive, when he's dead, they're all his friends. Typical - and quite despicable, too.

But of course the humorous twist is that he really wasn't some kind of martyr at all, and he really just died while masturbating. It happens in real life with kids who actually were as brilliant, depressive and introspective as Lance makes his son out to be through fake memoirs, but in this movie it's subverted by just throwing all that out entirely. There is - or was - no trace of introspection, intelligence or artistry in this dead boy at all. He was a perverted, degenerate shmuck. The kids, and by extension the whole world, is worshiping nothing more than Lance's own work, as for the first time he has gained fame from something he wrote. It is absolutely hilarious in its morbidity and surreality. Hard to watch at times, sure, but hilarious nonetheless.

It does raise some questions, though, like, why did Lance do what he did? That's the hidden genius of this picture, even beyond the dark satire elements. It's left ambiguous. Did he fake a suicide note for his son to honor the family name? Out of love for his son, not wanting him to be looked upon negatively - or more negatively - in death? Was it an act of mad delusion, out of sheer disbelief that anything so sudden could happen to him at all? It's never directly said. It does clash with the satirical side, though, as does the ending, in which he confesses what he did to the school as they are about to re-name the library in Kyle's honor. His burden has been lifted. But what effect does it have on the satire? It seems conflicting. More fitting for a dramatic film than a black comedy, really.

World's Greatest Dad is not without its flaws, but it is a clever movie, and one that merits watching for anyone who won't be bothered by the excess language and crass mannerisms that crust this strange little pie. For some reason a lot of people can't look past all of that to see what a good movie this is. Their loss, I think. Recommended if you liked Punch Drunk Love, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and other similar black comedies. Funny, insightful and sharp as a razor's edge.

Review: Blood Monkey (2007)

Director: Robert Young

Starring: F. Murray Abraham, Matt Ryan

IMDB Page: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1054564/

Son of a bitch. This movie pisses me off because...well, it's called Blood Monkey, goddammit! I was expecting something entertaining and campy! It's got a cover with a big ape flashing its sharp teeth at us, and I thought I'd really get something enjoyable. But they play it straight. Yup, apparently a movie called Blood Monkey really sounded like a serious thriller to these morons. Fuck it; just fuck it, let's get this over with.

This is a movie that is under the guise that the audience will still be endeared by timeless stereotypes like, the jock, the preppy girl who hates doing athletic things, and the quiet guy who will save everyone's asses. There are six of them total, with one girl for every guy, and guess what? They all get to pair up! Charming. They go into the jungle with a guy who is clearly hiding something, as he lies to them every chance he gets about his true motive.

"What, we really AREN'T the first ones to get to the bottom of the cliff? Okay, we'll still trust you."

"What do you MEAN you're setting us all up to be killed and eaten by the giant apes we never see on the screen, just so you can fulfill a ludicrous science experiment? Okay then, we'll still go along with it!"

God, what a bunch of retards. Use your brains! There's only him and his assisant; you have strength in numbers! Wouldn't this be a much better movie if they actually had some real nail-biting action going on? All they do is talk! I wouldn't mind if this was well written dialogue meant to psychologically scare us, but it's just dumbass exposition most of the time; how is this entertainment?

You'd think a movie titled Blood Monkey would be something cool, but it's not! It's just horrendously lame. This is just an hour and a half of stalling. We don't even get to see the damn monkey. All we get are flashes that last about half a second. Did they just not have the money to show the titular monkey? Because if so, my advice is, just don't make the damn movie. What a waste of time. Holy hell, just get this off my Netflix instant player.

Review: CrossBones (2005)

Directed By: Daniel Zirilli

Starring: Joseph Marino, Marya Soto, Hardy Hill

IMDB Page: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0420565/

Okay, this review is from back in late 2009, one of the original bad movies I reviewed before I started this whole thing. Let's take a look:


I believe with this movie that they (whoever “they” are) have finally created the perfect torture weapon against enemy forces from other countries. This is a film so bad that it defies all convention, a film so atrocious in its nature that it makes me want to violently strangle and afterwards piss on the corpses of everyone involved in it. This film is so bad that it would take a lifetime to explain every ounce of what makes it so horrible – it is such a monumental task that the easier way out would be to simply deny the existence of technology as a whole and become a member of the Amish community to escape the film altogether.

What movie could possibly be bad enough to incite such a violent reaction? Well, let me introduce you to the bile-dripping horror that is CrossBones, a movie that is so awful that it couldn’t even pass as Pirates of the Caribbean 3’s toenail shavings, a movie so ghastly that the rap songs opening and closing it (this zombie movie, let me remind you; a rap song in a zombie movie) are the least offensive things about it. I would really love to keep on churning out euphemisms for how bad this is, but unfortunately that would not constitute a real review, so I must persevere for a bit longer.

This movie has a complete lack of anything resembling human intelligence and decency. You see how none of the names in this movie are big? There's a reason for that, and you're about to find out why. The plot is harebrained and has been done to death. The basic idea is a group of slutty, no-personality fashion model-lookalikes and racial stereotypes getting picked off one by one by an ancient curse-slash-serial killer in a remote location. How much more cliché and stock can you get? Well, the movie decides to take it one step further and pander to the lowest common denominator by having all of the personality-deprived female characters wear nothing but bikinis, and by having the camera zoom in on their more tender regions far too often to be coincidental. Did they make this movie as some kind of a tonic to the fact that they can’t get girlfriends anywhere else? There is no point in having the female characters wear almost no clothing! There is not even any real nudity aside from a brief scene in the opening, so why bother? If you’re going to taunt viewers with the prospect of it, at least deliver; maybe then the movie would not be quite as puerile. That is pretty damn bad when the only possible way a movie could be redeemed is by pandering even lower than it already has.

And while I am at it, how did they get the ladies in this movie to sign up, anyway? Blackmail? Or did they really have such a low amount of self esteem that the only way they could feel good about themselves was starring in a movie where the camera zooms in on their breasts more than once?

Oh, and I can’t go without mentioning the character of – and I can’t believe I’m about to write this on paper – Greedy G. Yes, that was just as soul-crushingly insulting to me as it probably is to you. Greedy G, played by an “actor” credited only as J. Shin. His dialogue is comprised of idiotic black stereotypes that could not be any worse if they tried.

So the story starts off with a long, long, long backstory narrated in an awful fake sounding “scary” voice telling the story of a pirate named Red Bones who for some reason killed off all his crew members in his search for a supposedly legendary treasure that he is forced to bury in the sand on some remote island while he searches for more crew members to help him get the treasure out. So, really, why did he kill off his crew members in the first place? He finds some natives on the island who are in the process of drinking the blood of a helpless young girl and subsequently killing her. The natives attack Red Bones, shouting at him that his people had committed horrible inhuman atrocities on the native tribes in the area, and that they were now getting their revenge. Yes, inhuman atrocities. This coming from the mouth of the savage native leader who was just seen slaughtering a young girl not even two seconds beforehand.

We fast forward to the present day where a haughty forty-something British guy is taking his gorgeous twenty-something girlfriend on a car ride. She’s upset because instead of taking her on a romantic date like most normal heterosexual men would do, this guy wants to take her and a bunch of “contestants” (sure, that’s what they are…) out to film his “next” reality TV show. So, he’s had previous ones? How? As we see later on, he barely even films reality TV anyway, seeing as most of it is half-assed interviews with the lifeless, personality-bereft contestants he brought along! I don’t watch much reality TV, but my thought is that this does not really qualify as that. Oh, and because I don’t have any room to mention this later on, I might as well do it here: towards the last quarter of the film, the TV host guy says that anyone who leaves the island will be sued for five million dollars. By who? And what kind of a judge would actually take a case like that seriously? My biggest question is, though, what were the people writing this movie smoking, and how can we spread awareness in society to stay away from it?

The worst thing about this – and that’s saying a lot – is the dialogue. Where did the writers for this movie get the idea they could write dialogue? The hidden, sacral secret to writing dialogue is, surprise surprise, making it interesting and relevant to the plot. CrossBones does not have either of those. The characters talk about idiotic, menial garbage like their muscles, or who is the toughest on the island, or what they are going to do when they win the grand prize after the show is over. There is no character development, no thought put into what they are saying, no relevance of any of this to the plot, and you remember those interviews I mentioned in the last paragraph? Those go on for TEN MINUTES. Ten minutes of nothing but watching these retards blab on about how their muscles are big and they're going to win the contest at the end. God, just kill me! This is like torture! What kind of sick, sadistic shit is this? Listening to these people talk is seriously making me dumber; how long until they all get horribly maimed and killed? This is just so insipid! Nobody could have thought this was in any way interesting; they can't have. It's entirely non-sequitur to any conceivable idea of entertaining cinema. Oh, and they're still going; WILL YOU GET THIS SHIT OFF MY SCREEN ALREADY? I mean, this is a record for meaningless padding right here; forty five minutes in and we have absolutely NO sign of a plot!


Fortunately, there is still a serial killer in this movie to relieve the poor, distraught viewers of their misery. If you are like me, you probably forgot there was even a killer in this movie at all. The first kill happens almost an hour into the movie – really, are you even surprised? – in a badly shot and coordinated scene where the guy sort of…cuts his hand on some rocks, falls down and is subsequently eaten alive by a cannibalistic dead zombie pirate.

We have all heard that story before, right?

Let’s just get this torture over with. Most of the rest of the teens are killed off in various ways, without being developed or given interesting or distinguishing characteristics at all – well, except for Greedy G, but he does not really count. The host of the TV show gets his hand on a map that will lead him to the treasure, and ditches his contestants to go find it. The pirate kidnaps this one girl and this one guy and forces them to sail him after the TV show host to find it. He skins the TV show host alive, with the latter doing nothing but waving his arms around like a drowning paraplegic, despite the fact that the pirate is clearly smaller than him and not all that strong. Then he kidnaps the girl again and makes her carry all the treasure onto the boat. The pirate then kills her boyfriend, to which she is somehow motivated to bludgeon him with a rock until he dies. Apparently he was always that easy to kill, so…the whole movie was pointless?

I could have told you that at the beginning of the movie. Fortunately, none of you will ever have to see how right I am about this, because nobody cares about CrossBones. The acting is just laughable, the plot has already been done better by a hundred other movies and the writing is just awful in every way. This movie is a wretched pile of depraved cinematic fumbling so puerile that I am surprised that a company like Lion’s Gate actually distributed it. But hey, who am I to argue with the people who already put out such wonderful modern classics as Midnight Meat Train and SAW 3? What do I know? I do know that this movie is the nadir of human morality, and that’s no lie.

Review: The Goonies (1985)

Director: Richard Donner

Starring: Sean Astin, Josh Brolin, Jeff Cohen, Corey Feldman, Jonathon Ke Quan

IMDB Page: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0089218/

"OK! I'll talk! In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max's toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog... When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I got nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out... But the worst thing I ever done - I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa - and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life."
-Chunk

Childhood wonder and fascination permeate the entire essence of The Goonies. I don't know how I missed this one along with Ghostbusters growing up, but I am forever kicking myself for it. What a great piece of cinema. There's just nothing wrong with this. It is an adventure as idealistic, scrappy, fun and just straight up heartwarmingly great as can be. A group of young boys in an about-to-be-mowed-down neighborhood in the 80s go searching for a lost treasure to pay for their house so they don't have to move.

And thus...a great adventure is birthed.

I am at a loss for words at how to review this - what is there to criticize? I love everything about it. It is a relic to a time long past. A monument to a fleeting glimpse of childhood about to be destroyed - and thus, inspiring the most passion out of every single character. Truly, it is a spirited adventure on all counts. Watch as they trek through the smoky, faded looking "goonies" toward the underground caverns that await them. The bad guys try to catch them, but that turns on them when young Chunk frees the brutish Sloth, the mentally retarded and deformed superman who they were keeping in captivity away from the world.

Just go with it.

If I had to pick a favorite scene...well, I'm torn between the piano scene where they have to play the right notes to get out of the room (just wonderful, really), and all of the final scenes on the pirate ship. Young Mikey is hindered by his asthma, but has he found a kindred spirit in One Eyed Willy, long dead for centuries and eluding capture for even longer? The adventure comes to an explosive close.

Really, this has everything you could ever want - pirate ships, nail-biting chases, interesting puzzles, hilarious and relatable characters and that good old 80s spunk, so perfected here that it might as well be trademarked. It is a film that made me feel alive again after a long period of stagnation, and for that, it gets my highest recommendation...but you don't need that. You've probably already seen it.

Review: The Stepfather (2009)

Director: Nelson McCormick

Starring: Dylan Walsh, Sela Ward, Penn Badgley, Amber Heard

Website: http://www.welcometothefamily.com/

Heh. It's so adorable that this movie thinks it's actually doing a good job at anything. The Stepfather...pfft, honestly, I'd be embarrassed to even admit to watching this piece of shit. But I did watch it, and now I am paying the consequences. Why don't you all join me in my misery as we review this heinous pile of hacked up attempts at a plot and finally put it to rest forever?

The movie begins with a dramatic musical number ominously showing our main character – reasonably assumed to be, well, the Stepfather - …shaving his face and walking downstairs. Not very fitting, guys…at least until we find out, ooh, shocker, that he killed his whole family! Gasp, awe, unbridled terror. Then we get the police talking about the case and we find out that he’s “done it before,” and that he’s “an expert at this,” paying everything in cash and leaving no way to find him.

Well, thanks, movie, for spoiling everything right away!

Actually this is based on a true story of a killer named John Emil List, who did something similar, moving around to different places and marrying women only to kill them. But if that’s the case, why even make a movie fictionalizing the whole thing instead of just making a bona-fide “true life” movie like the ones about Ed Gein and the BTK Killer? Let’s see how they screw it up!

This movie likes to jump around in time and not give us any time to really grow attached to the characters. We see a single mom grocery shopping with her kids. She meets the Stepfather, whose name is David, they hit it off, and…we fast forward six months. Now we have the older son Michael coming home from a military school for “screw ups,” and the movie quickly jumps into a cheery alt rock tune and goes into mini-montage mode, skipping mostly any kind of tension, save for a weird scene where David asks Michael to meet him in the basement of all places to talk, as if that isn’t suspicious. The movie plods along acceptably enough, without any real plot holes or anything yet (those come later), but…it’s just boring. There’s a big difference between building up tension and just being boring dullardry like this movie is so far. It’s not bad, it’s not good…it’s just kind of there. We get a scene where he almost chokes the younger brother kid for playing his video games too loud…but eh, yawn.

Oh, and apparently the neighborhood cat lady comes by the next day and says that she saw an episode of America’s Most Wanted broadcasting the “stepfather killing spree” with a killer who looked just like David! And of course this merits no further discussion from the mom but a callous laugh and a kiss on the lips. I know she’s the crazy cat lady and all but…honestly.

So David and Michael go out to lunch, the movie skips over the entire meal for no reason…seriously, maybe this wouldn’t be so boring if you actually drew scenes out instead of just fluffing them around and ending them before anything interesting happens. And we get a really, really uncomfortable scene where he starts talking about his dead kids right there in the booth. But did they really exist? The way he mixes up her name indicates otherwise. Strange that a guy who seems to be so smooth at hiding his tracks would mess up in front of one of the only people suspicious of him.

He kills the cat lady, and then we get a scene of Michael and his girlfriend having sex to the tune of the movie’s overinflated soundtrack. Seriously, this movie is in love with its soundtrack; it’s like a goddamn music video montage half the time. Lay off it for a bit, will you? I know it’s a petty complaint, but it’s silly, and there isn’t much else in this movie to talk about right now.

Oh, wait! Their old dad, Jay, brings the younger kids back from camp, and he’s mad as hell that David laid a hand on the brother! But mostly nothing happens except for Michael and his real dad making up and hugging outside after. David quits his job at the real estate company when the mom’s friend who got him the job starts asking for personal information, and the only one who doesn’t find it weird is the mom herself! I guess anything goes in this movie if it makes the plot move along. What a fucking load.

But wait, there’s more: At the same time that’s going on, we see Jay the old dad come back before he leaves for a trip, wanting to say goodbye to the kids and also to check out David, who he is very suspicious of. Good thing David kills him with a glass pot before anything happens. And the kids don’t notice because their video games upstairs are too loud for them to hear any of it. So…let’s get this straight. David was not only relying on the fact that the kids wouldn’t hear him doing this upstairs; that they wouldn’t come down and see what was happening…but he also thought it was a perfectly okay idea to kill the guy in his own house? That’s stupid! That’s so stupid I can’t even handle it!

And he doesn’t even get rid of the dad’s cell phone which will so obviously be a plot point later on…this guy is a fucking idiot! How the hell has he evaded capture for so long? That’s the biggest hole in this whole thing; how the hell has nobody ever caught this guy who blows his cover inside his own house, constantly switches between his charming disguise face and his jittery, not-talking-to-anyone, hiding in the basement working one, and he doesn’t even dispose of the evidence? Well, gee, good thing everyone is so stupid in this movie or else he’d be in trouble! The mother really doesn’t see a problem with him not giving out any personal information, quitting his job even at the mere mention of it? She really believes his excuses for that? How the hell are we, the audience, supposed to believe any of this? God, it’s like a fucking…idiot festival around here.

Blah, blah, Michael keeps getting more and more suspicious, David kills his wife’s friend who was bugging him about the real estate personal information, Michael and his girlfriend sneak into his own house at night and find his real dad’s dead body, David goes on a killing spree, and the whole thing ends up with Michael in a coma for a month while David takes on a new identity and starts to seduce some other woman.

This movie is horrible. How am I supposed to believe for one second that this guy is a serial killer? Everyone in the movie says he’s a professional, and the film suggests that he’s done this multiple times, but the only way that’s feasible is if everyone in this movie has an IQ of about 85. He constantly slips up on his fake identity, leaves behind important evidence in the house he’s supposed to be living in and making a new life in and he just isn’t convincing at all. And the movie is just boring, too. This isn't scary; it's fodder for my insomnia. This is just one more shallow remake that will land money in the studio's pockets because people don't know a good movie when they see one, so they'll end up seeing this instead. Fuck this movie, fuck anyone who endorses it and fuck the studio who pushed it out like the devil baby in the Omen. Terrible...just terrible. And I'm just about done talking about it, from here on out.

Review: Punch Drunk Love (2002)

Director: Paul Thomas Anderson

Starring:: Adam Sandler, Emily Watson, Philip Seymour Hoffman

IMDB Page: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0272338/

"I don't know if there is anything wrong because I don't know how other people are."

-Barry Egan

Okay, I'm taking a quarter point off for the weird sequences of flashing lights and psychedelic colors that just make no sense.

But otherwise, yes, yes and yes, this is a great movie. Punch Drunk Love features Adam Sandler as a quick tempered businessman with a serious anger problem that he can't control as well as he'd like. He's socially awkward and often lonely, so he ends up in a scandal involving a sex hotline in which they use the personal information they acquired from him to extort money. But on the other side of things, at least he finds a loving, accepting girlfriend courtesy of his seven pushy, uptight sisters. Yes, he has seven sisters. Seven sisters who do nothing but chastise him and remind him of how stupid he is; is it a wonder this guy has anger problems or what?

This is really great. I love how the music seems to channel Sandler's boiling emotional clock throughout the movie - it's realistic, it really is. Watching this movie, when that hellish, cluttered music popped up, I felt like I was with a kindred spirit, and I'm sure you will, too. We don't all break windows and destroy restaurant bathrooms when we're angry, but we all feel our heartbeats going faster when the pressures of our worlds become too much to bear, and that's what this music and the scenes with them brought out. It was cathartic, in a way.

I love the contrasts between the different storylines; every one of them offers something new. It's a story about a bullied and browbeaten man who finds happiness through a pretty woman and an abandoned harmonium left on the sidewalk. I love the offbeat, black-spotted humor that pops up in the dialogue for moments here and there - one especially funny one between Sandler and the "Mattress Man," played brilliantly by Philip Seymour Hoffman, in which they have a rather timid, misguided, obscenity-filled argument that will draw laughs from anyone. Hoffman is just great. Shame he didn't get more screen time.

And I love the scenes in Hawaii, especially - must be the romantic in me; time to break out the Die Hard movies again to reassure my manhood. But screw it. This is a raw, beautiful little trip with a ton of things that I could go on for pages about, but I'll keep it short. Jarring, occasionally even nightmareish, but also stunningly beautiful and universally humane, in its own weird way. Romantic, triumphant, heroic and brittle, Punch Drunk Love delivers one hell of a great film experience that I will definitely go back to again.

Review: Jason Goes to Hell (1993)

Director: Adam Marcus

Starring: Kane Hodder, John D. LeMay, Kari Keegan

Website: http://www.fridaythe13thfilms.com/films/jgth.html

This is Jason Goes to Hell.

…yup, no other explanation needed. Let’s get started. The movie opens with a girl going into a Crystal Lake cabin for no other reason than to…change a lightbulb, take off her clothes and turn on the bath water. Makes sense. Then Jason comes in, so she goes out to the hall to find him and is promptly almost slaughtered by him for the heinous crime of having a naked body underneath her clothes. So she gets thrown off a balcony, chased outside and then stands back as the FBI blow Jason to bits within a few seconds with nukes – yes, they bought nukes, and yes, they definitely couldn't have done this any time in the previous 8 films. They were just...waiting for the right time, I guess.

“Open fire, men! We can’t let him get to outer space to make Jason X!”

So, he’s dead. Movie over, right? No, then we get our title screen, Jason Goes to Hell…which makes me wonder what would happen if they confused this series with the Ernest movies. I mean we already had Jason Goes to Manhattan, what’s next? Jason Goes to Jail? Jason Goes to France? Jason Scared Silly? The credits play out over a black screen interspersed with clips of this guy taking him into the morgue for an autopsy. For some reason they pat him down…to make sure he’s not going to...do what, exactly? What they should have done is make sure JASON was really dead; there’s a cause worth patting someone down for! They even pat down the coroner later, like he’s going to do anything wrong in there…weird.

So after a good five minutes of jumpy orchestrations and drawn out opening credits, we finally have our first real scene involving the orderly guy…eating Jason’s heart. I am dead serious; he just stares at it for a few seconds, picks it up and starts chomping on the fucking thing. And apparently Jason’s heart is some kind of a catalyst for him to possess the body of whoever eats it. Huh. I wonder where that plot point came from. I don’t remember hearing about it in any of the past movies…is this that thing I always refer to as…plot convenience?

Nah, a Friday the 13^th movie would never do that.

So then we get introduced to our next big spectacle in this movie, Creighton Duke. His job, aside from being a bounty hunter, is to spout snarky phrases that would make him look like a real cool guy if his character was more developed – but there is no real substance beyond that. Why do I have a feeling that they were hoping to make an action figure out of this guy? He’s just so quick to spit out “badass” lines that don’t fool the audience or the actual characters in the movie, either, into thinking he’s actually cool. Also, he apparently is about the only one who thinks Jason is still alive, even though most of the country can hear the reports of the string of murders that is making its way back to, surprise surprise, Camp Crystal Lake. Who do they think is doing it, Keyser Soze? I mean really, how is everyone so skeptical about this? Are they even investigating other suspects for the murders to try and validate their suspicion? The only other guy who it could have possibly been is the orderly who they only classify as “missing,” with no other word about him at all! Make some sense, movie, make some sense!

Duke tries to intimidate a middle aged waitress at a diner serving “Hockey Burgers” and “Jason Fingers” to celebrate Jason’s death, and apparently she’s important to the plot somehow…he gets brushed off by some cops protecting her, she tells this skinny guy with glasses to meet her tonight, and then we cut to Jason doing what he does best. He kills some naked teenagers, a blonde chick in a checkered bonnet and then…well, bear with me here. This is honestly one of the strangest and most bizarre scenes in any Friday the 13^th movie as we see him kidnap a fat, mustached cop, strap him naked to a table, shave his mustache off and then we can assume he switches bodies and takes the time to put the guy’s clothes back on, as we see him kill the waitress in the next scene. But my question is…why the hell did he shave the cop’s mustache? I know it’s a mundane thing to bring up, but what the hell? It’s so out of nowhere and just flat out strange that it’s hilarious. He didn’t shave the other guy’s face who he possessed, so what the fuck?

Okay, moving on. So Jason/Cop-Without-Mustache kills the waitress just as that guy with the glasses from earlier comes in and tries to stop him. He gets arrested under suspicion of the murder and put into a cell next to Creighton Duke, who has more snarky witticisms to offer. Just what we needed. Apparently he was arrested for just…existing. He asks the glasses-guy to make a commitment to helping him fight Jason, and then promptly breaks his finger through the bars of their cells. Nice going, asshole, you just made it harder for him to help you fight. Truly you’re a battle strategist at heart.

Oh, wait, were we supposed to think that scene was badass? I’m sorry.

No, seriously, who the hell is this Creighton Duke and how does he magically have all the answers? Was there just…no other way you could possibly write this story without a fucking oracle of wisdom for you? So what, the only one who can kill Jason is the one who can destroy his heart, and that is the daughter of that waitress, who is conveniently also the ex-lover of the glasses-guy, who had her child…are you following this? I mean, it’s better than the shit they gave us in Halloween 6, but it’s still pretty out there. So Duke keeps breaking glasses-boy’s fingers to incapacitate him even further from actually doing anything to help, while telling him how to stop Jason all the while. And the glasses-boy just believes every word he says, without question, because of course the best person to trust on these life-and-death matters is a black guy in a prison cell who breaks your fingers before he tells you anything. The logic in this movie just astounds me.

So basically the waitress, her daughter Jessica and Jessica’s baby are somehow connected to the Voorhees bloodline, and they have the power to either kill him or make him reborn. Okay. Fine. I can live with that. Where does the movie go next? Well, Sir Brokenfingers breaks out of jail and goes to complete the insane mission that Duke gave him. He hides in the Voorhees house as Jessica’s new TV star boyfriend comes in for some reason talking on the phone about his plan to make their TV ratings go up by hiding the body of Jessica’s mom the dead waitress in the Voorhees house and having the police discover it on camera. What a douche. Fortunately he’s killed in about a second as the Cop-Without-Mustache shows up and possesses him now! Joyous. I’m so glad to see that Jessica left Sir Brokenfingers for this guy. It clearly shows how intelligent she is and how high standards she has.

By the way…have you noticed that we haven’t even gotten more than five lines of dialogue from Jessica herself, who is supposed to be this important plot point? That seems a little skewed; we should at least be able to care about her by this point, but frankly I care more about seeing Creighton Duke get killed than our supposed lead girl. But wait, we get a scene of her in the shower next, crying presumably about the fact that she’s in this movie, when the lights go off. She gets attacked by her Jason-Boyfriend, and then Sir Brokenfingers saves her. Like any sane person, she doesn’t believe a word he says, and runs to her daddy the police chief, who sends one of his guys after him, and he brings him in after a pretty funny scene where they point guns at each other.

And then we start The Big Chase as Jason in the body of that TV show guy kills everybody besides the two main characters and the baby. Oh, and Duke comes back, too, because I just really needed to see him again. Ugh. It’s revealed that apparently Jason can also use a DEAD VOORHEES to reincarnate himself! Meaning Jessica's mom whose dead body her TV boyfriend hid in the house as a prank. I’d let that sink in if we had more time, but frankly this review is WAAAY too long already, and it’s not worth getting angry over anymore. So, he couldn't have just knocked these fuckers down right after he killed her AT THE BEGINNING OF THE DAMN MOVIE and reincarnated himself THEN? It’s a shitty twist for a shitty plot, but at least it gets Jason back to how he should be, and the final climax isn’t actually that bad. The ending epilogue scene is pretty decent, even if it is too little, too late.

This movie sucks. I won’t waste too much more of your time with this, so let’s just skim over it – a shitty, hole-ridden plot, terrible characters, gore that is more disgusting than entertaining and a lack of any kind of human logic. This was the only Friday movie to feature such an elaborate plot, and if this is all they have, I say keep it, and give us back the Friday where all he does is kill dumbass, slutty teenagers at camp. That’s the better way to go.