Friday, December 18, 2009

Review: Halloween II (2009)

God dammit, can't you assholes just let this franchise die? I was pretty kind to the un-scary remake of the first Halloween movie, but this one is just terrible. I hate this movie so much that I can't even come up with a clever way to kick off this review, so let's just dive in and get this castration of horror cinema over with:

Apparently Laurie Strode is now a punk-rockin' chick who swears in every sentence and wears her hair in a rebellious frizz. She has a tattoo on her lower back and posters of Alice Cooper in her room. Did Rob Zombie ever watch the original films at all?

Dr. Loomis is a sassy, sharp-tongued old goat who makes large profits off of the exploitation of Michael Myers. He quotes basic, elementary Psych 101 Freud quotes in trying to explain Michael's condition and mentality, and at the end he supposedly has this change of heart and decides to, uh, act like the real Dr. Loomis. The writing in this is about as deep as a goddamn wading pool! Watching Malcolm McDowell playing this character is about as gratifying as having teeth pulled. With a fucking wrench.

The movie plods along, with a few moments of actual decent horror spliced between annoyingly asshole-ish character writing and ass-fisting dream sequences that seem to be trying to turn the movie into one of Zombie's music videos. One in particular in the middle is so bad that it will probably make you wish you had no eyes. There are a lot of bloody, gory kills in the first half of the movie, but it just isn't fun anymore. It's pointlessly over the top and bloody, and Zombie's psychotic "charm" is completely gone.

There's this weird, pointless "theme" running through the movie about a white horse being the symbol for violence and rage, or something like's pretty hollow and meaningless, and is not in any way ominous or creepy. Sheri Moon Zombie makes another appearance as Michael's mother, and it shows exactly how original and endearing Zombie is these days, as, you know, this plot device isn't in any way similar to how Jason Voorhees saw the ghost of his mother in the Friday the 13th films.

Rob Zombie was rushed in making this, and it really shows. His usual formula of white-trash swearing and gorehound-pandering is sloppy and not at all as entertaining as his previous works. That along with the terrible writing make this movie a pain in the ass all around. There are still a few moments of intrigue where I was actually wondering what was going to happen, but fuck, this is terrible. It's a recycled pile of horror cliche that offers nothing new or exciting to the formula, except a bucketload of annoyance at how bad they botched up the iconic characters. It's possible that Rob Zombie may recover from this and go on to make another decent or good movie, but the Halloween franchise's epitaph is pretty deeply carved: Some hack director will vomit out another safe, gory, uninspired trip down slasher lane that will prostitute the Michael Myers character and everyone else in the franchise out for another two-hour paycheck in his pocket. Fuck me sideways, I think we found a worst movie of the year.