REVIEW: Red Dragon (2002)

So here goes my review for Red Dragon, the remake of the classic Hannibal Lecter thriller Manhunter. This is a silly, often soft-headed flick that likes to think it’s “upgrading” the classic film by making everything less subtle and having a bad guy that likes to flex his pecs naked like a drunk Dragonball Z character. Sound terrible yet? It is. Let’s give it a look.

Director: Brett Rattner

Starring: Edward Norton, Anthony Hopkins

IMDb

…hmmm…well, this is an awkward predicament. Red Dragon…wasn’t too bad. In fact it was actually pretty frigging good. Just like the original Manhunter. It wasn’t, yknow, anything amazing, and it had a few problems, but for a detective thriller, it’s one of the better ones you’re liable to get out of the mainstream examples of the genre. So overall I don’t have any major problems with it.

Well, this is turning into a boring review. What am I supposed to do now? Just talk about how good everything is, and make a few “ehhhh” comments about the plot holes and silly moments here and there? There aren’t even that many problems! It’s gonna be one of my shortest and least impressive reviews if I keep on like this! Isn’t there some other film I could review that has some slight similarity to Red Dragon, so as to keep a little bit of continuity?

Well…Ray Fiennes in Red Dragon had a weird tattoo on his back.

That must mean it’s time to take a look at The Tattooist!

Director: Peter Burger

Starring: Matthew Grainger, Jonathan King

IMDb

A supernatural horror movie about Samoan tattooing culture could potentially be interesting. I think the makers of this movie took that as a challenge to make the most boring thing possible.

So we start off with some kid who carved a pentagram into his arm getting the tattoo cut off by his super-religious Jesus freak father. It’s pretty cliché and boring and actually has about zero actual relevance to the film. Why did I even mention it? Because the film will, twice, so I figure I might as well not skimp on representing the film in the most realistic way possible.

Then we get the title of the movie over the main character’s ass: truly the greatest way to represent your movie.

Apparently this is Jake, a tattoo artist who says he knows ancient voodoo powers that can help heal the sick, or some shit like that. He gets hired by this rich guy who lives in the mansion from Eyes Wide Shut, and even advises the guy to take his sick son to a doctor. But the rich guy says nope! His son needs a tattoo and that will heal his ailing health! So Jake the greatest person who ever lived chooses to NOT call a doctor and leave immediately, and instead just go along with crazy rich guy’s crazy schemes.

Damn modern hippie medicine techniques...

Then later on we see that same rich guy angry that his son died after the tattoo – shock and awe – didn’t end up working. Gee, when even the GUY GIVING YOUR SON THE TATTOO recommended a doctor over the tattoo, you would think that would be enough proof to go to a goddamn doctor!

"I'm mad at you for my own deficient parenting!"

Just add this guy to the Poltergeist/Ring club of horrible horror movie parents, I guess…

Anyway, so Jake gets pushed down by crazy rich guy and cuts his hand on this tattoo instrument thing. Apparently, if you don’t mind me spoiling anything, this means that his tattoos can now kill people. How? This fantastical leap in logic is just so brilliant and well thought out…that it completely escapes me. The mark of any good horror movie, truly.

So he decides he wants to return that tattoo object to the person he stole it from, who lives in New Zealand. I’ve heard of worse excuses to start a horror movie…oh wait no I haven’t. So he goes to New Zealand and I’ll admit I don’t know much about that country. But I really have to say, any country that has a sign like this welcoming people in is cool in my books:

After that, I guess Jake goes and sees an old friend who greets him by insulting him and saying he’s wronged him. They have a weird friendship. Jake does some tattoos for people in New Zealand and gets invited to a party. Then he goes and talks to a rejected member of Bebe’s Kids about how there’s some kind of shadowy figure following him that he can’t see, but is nevertheless there. Amazing. Then we get some other stuff about how Jake isn’t welcome there because he doesn’t understand Samoan culture.

…which is, to be fair, totally understandable. Jake is an asshole! He steals from other tattoo artists and pretends that his tattoos can do things they can’t. He’s a scam artist. In the real world, this guy would be shunned even by the tattoo community in his own country, let alone the sacral practices of an ancient culture!

I just love how no attention is given to the Samoan culture in this movie aside from the tattoo stuff, and even then only to push its BS ghost story. It would be a more interesting movie if we actually had some good characters and writing that accentuated what was so interesting about the culture. But no, we just get a shitty ghost movie with a very light veneer of "culture" spread over it. What a load.

So yeah this is all really dull so far, if you couldn’t guess…why else would I be analyzing the politics of tattoo culture? He goes and meets his friend Sina, who is as generic a horror leading lady as you can get. She’s kind, patient and understanding and will have sex with Jake in about fifteen to twenty minutes. Oops, did I spoil that too? Damn.

They go see some guy who doesn’t like Jake for no reason. Jake decides to give the best first impression ever by poking around the guy’s house uninvited and disturbing his wife in her bedroom. Isn’t he just a class act? The final straw is when he knocks over a bunch of stuff and the guy kicks him out. Sina rewards this stupidity and incompetence by inviting him to come to her uncle’s party, because yeah that would sure really happen…ugh.

There we get some more nonsense about how everyone hates Jake. Yes, we the audience share your sentiments entirely.

Later on there’s a pool party, where some kid gets shoved into a pool and then it kills him for no reason, filling up the pool with bloody ink!

What happens when newspaper comic strip characters piss in the pool...

I just love how the reaction to all this is so normal. Nobody even really freaks out over it. They’re sad that he’s dead I guess, but at no point do we ever get any shock and awe at the bizarreness of people turning into ink. Isn’t that something? I guess these New Zealand tattoo cult people are just desensitized.

Then Jake meets up with Sina at her place where she examines all his tattoos. We find out that Jake was actually the kid in the opening sequence, whose father cut off his pentagram tattoo. So that traumatic experience actually made him want to go into tattoo stuff more? Uh, okay movie, whatever you say. It’s your stupid, illogical world after all.

After that, we finally get something happening as the two of them have sex. I'd post a picture of it if anyone cared, but hey, at least it's still better than endless monologues about how the Samoan culture doesn't like outsiders, which is all that's been happening so far otherwise.

While that’s going on, we see another woman waking up and finding out that her husband has turned into ink splotches and stuff – AND MESSED UP THE CARPET! DAMN HIM!

The next morning Jake returns home to find the angry sister of the kid who died in the pool. She’s mad because the tattoo killed her brother. Again I say – why is she not more surprised by all this? Are their superstitions really that deeply ingrained? I get that she’s distressed and angry. But why is she so nonchalant about the fact that her brother turned into a splatter of ink in the pool? Shouldn’t that be a concern?

Oh well, the movie has no time for that! It only has time for scenes like THIS!

…I don’t think I’m drunk enough for this movie.

Jake goes back to his place and finds angry sister girl in the shower and melting into ink, too. I think the makers of this movie got high while watching the ending of Wizard of Oz too many times. We then get the worst episode of ER ever:

That light is going to blind me if I stare at it too long.

Of course she dies and then Jake has to go save Sina, because he gave her a tattoo as well. She freaks out upon hearing the news and goes back to her father, whose advice is for her to go to church. The funniest thing about this is, it works. As soon as Jake takes her out of the church, she starts getting way worse and vomiting up blood and all kinds of shit, like instantaneously – it starts happening right after she leaves the building. So really, what this movie is saying is that God exists and can protect people from tattoo demons, as well as every other voodoo-level superstition out there, if they go to church. And hey, in fact all superstitions are actually real. Really!

There’s some kind of bullcrap story about some kid who didn’t get his tattoo finished and ran away, and apparently that makes him a ghost who can kill people now because some idiot cut his hand on a tool. How does this make any sense? Jake goes to see that little Bebe’s Kid reject from before and the kid can apparently – get this – channel the spirit of the dead guy, but only when loud rap music is playing and the car is driving over the speed limit.

This is where I draw the line, movie! This is where I stop believing anything you throw at me!

…or some shit, I don’t know, and I don’t care either. They figure out that it was Sina’s dear old dad who committed the crimes and killed the kid who is now a ghost and haunting everyone. So after the most racist thing I’ve ever seen in a horror movie…

…the dead kid’s dad comes back and makes Sina’s father cut his own tattoo off to shame him or something. I guess having him arrested for murder is a stupid idea. Sina and Jake are okay, and because of all this she decides to go back to America with him and everything. There’s an annoying taxi driver bugging them to stop talking about stuff and get in the car because he has many more customers waiting. And I’m not even kidding: this is how the movie ends. With an annoying taxi driver bothering the main characters to get in the car and leave. How is that even a real ending?

You can practically smell the stench of no inspiration seeping out of every pore of this movie’s infected tattoo areas. It’s a bad modern flick with all the clichés the genre is known and loathed for. It’s not as bad as The Grudge or anything, but it’s sure trying. Pointless, slow and boring, with more time spent on the Samoan tribal culture than on an interesting story or scares. The whole Samoan tattoo thing could be interesting, but instead it’s never used to any kind of quality end. So what is there to be gained here? Tattoos are evil, but only if you cut your hand on an ancient tool for making them. Then the only way to find out how to stop the evil is by playing loud rap music and going to church.

Yeah, that about sums it up.

Images copyright of their original owners, I do not own any of them.

REVIEW: Airborne (2012)

So I just got done with a long series of plane rides while moving to a new place to start a new job…and because my life has involved so many airplanes lately, I figured why not review something airplane themed? A movie that focuses on a plane as its setting and contains some truly out-there and strange ideas as to what exactly happens on a plane. Could I review Snakes on a Plane? Maybe Red Eye with Cillian Murphy? Or perhaps I could tackle the greatest airplane movie ever, Airplane! The possibilities are ripe and rich.

…nah, I’ll just do Airborne.

Director: Dominic Burns

Starring: Mark Hamill, Craig Conway

IMDb

For those of you who have never heard of this movie, there are reasons why. Very distinct reasons why. It’s a half-baked airplane thriller with a plot that just seems like they made it up on the go. Are you ready to board this flight to the void of inane plot devices and ludicrous twists? I sure am.

We start off with some monologue by a guy who I can only describe as ‘not Sam Elliot,’ because yeah…this movie really hurts itself by having an opening that reminds me more of a guy talking to a bunch of mentally handicapped kids than an actual stirring introduction to a film. Who does this guy think he is?

I have no idea who Julian Glover is though. AND BECAUSE OF THAT THIS MOVIE SUCKS! 0/10!

Wait, what? Mark Hamill is in this? And he’s giving a speech about how sometimes bad things happen to good people? If it was better done…maybe, but either way the narration is dull and tired. This is really the same guy who gave us that chilling Joker voice? I also find it hilarious how he’s giving this whole speech about “bad things happening to good people” while the movie is showing us scenes of people being rude at the airport because of changes on their flight. Gee, movie. Why don’t you show us scenes of rich white girls not getting two iPADs instead of just one for Christmas next?

There are a bunch of different characters introduced, among them this dude, who starts off his flirtations with a pretty girl by talking about how his daughter died. Way to be totally depressing and morose, guy!

Oh I guess he makes more sense later when we find out his daughter died in the Middle East. But still, the character is so underdeveloped that it hardly matters!

There’s also some mob boss thug guy who basically just throws a fit over the fact that he can’t fly first class because of some nonsensical reason. I’m about as intimidated as I was when I saw Macaulay Culkin in the remake of The Godfather.

Oh okay...there's a chance I just made this picture myself. I know, it looks so real.

On the plane, we get introduced to Italian Meat Loaf, who talks about all kinds of banal crap you wouldn’t want to hear from a guy next to you on a plane. I will give the movie credit for realistically simulating an annoying in-flight experience, as it really does capture the essence of that level of irritation.

Italian Meat Loaf action figure now comes with extra mullet power AND extra annoyance!

What I will NOT give the movie credit for is half-assed sex scene attempting to turn the movie into a porno for a minute or two:

I shouldn't be so mean. The director was probably conceived in an airplane bathroom, so maybe this is more true-life than I give it credit. Maybe it isn't all THAT far fetched...

Seriously, guys, are you even trying? This is about as erotic as watching a bunch of hairy old men playing crochet. Maybe if this was a better movie, and focused on these two characters more, it MIGHT work, but when it’s just a cheap excuse to show T&A? It just feels weak as hell. And, what, it’s followed up with more airplane bickering? Yeah, movie…real sexy there. I don’t even think people who watch these movies for the porn would find this very enjoyable. Even the lowest common denominator of T&A-loving cretins would think this is weak.

Then everybody notices that Mr. Turner, that Meat Loaf guy, went missing somehow on the plane. We get some semi-suspenseful moments as the passengers all look around the plane and the flight crew, especially this one lady and this Middle Eastern looking guy, act kind of shady. These are probably the best moments in the film, and for a while I thought this thing wasn’t gonna be too bad after all. Unfortunately the rest of the movie is here to prove THAT hypothesis wrong…

I'm just so full of suspense about whether or not we'll make it to 2013.

We switch to retarded Mulder and Scully here talking about how the world is going to end in 2012. Oh no, is the world going to end in 2012? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhh….

Oh, wait, no.

So yeah, these two geniuses put a strange illegal cargo box on the plane our main characters are on. Why? Well, if you want the answer to that, just give up on that hope and dream right now. Because you’re not gonna get an answer. At all.

On the plane, this one guy goes crazy because of Mr. Turner’s absence. It’s confusing because that character really only had the one scene – hell, I had trouble remembering who he was. He was on screen for like two minutes at best; maybe not even that. I give the movie credit for making it pretty seamless when a character disappears, but at the same time, so few of these characters really have much of an impact to begin with. Who really gives a crap if the couple having sex in the airplane bathroom disappears? They’re next, by the way.

Anyway, I digress; that one guy goes crazy and so they punch his lights out and tie him to a seat. For some reason he isn’t that concerned about it. I could make a bondage joke here, but that would be tasteless. After that, we get that guy’s life story as he tells the nicest stewardess in the universe how his fiancée left him and now he’s just going to go drink for a while. Can you believe he actually says the line “I have a new lover. His name is Jack Daniels”? Isn’t that just the most asinine and clichéd line ever uttered in a movie, anywhere, this side of Batman and Robin? Yes, yes it is. Moving on.

"I have now become a walking cliche."

On the ground, we see that no time has been wasted with rational thought and tough planning. Instead they’re just gonna bomb the plane right out of the sky. That’s right: the only two options they have are:

1) Let the plane continue on, with possible terrorists on it,

Or,

2) Bomb it out of the sky no matter where it is.

I never knew the British military was so gung-ho! There has to be a Doctor Who episode to explain this phenomenon!

On the plane we see the passengers recite all the usual garbage we get in these movies, which boils down to this:

“You can’t trust him!”

“No, you can’t trust him!”

Yawn. Can we move on to a haphazardly explained, poorly thought out and illogical reason for the people to have disappeared?

That’s right, apparently the military guy goes down to the bottom of the plane and finds a bunch of dead bodies stored in the cargo hold or something. Then we get some stupid flashbacks with the killers – the white airplane stewardess lady and one of the rich guy’s thugs – violently murdering everyone who even turned a corner and saw them talking in private! Oh no! They…have stuff they don’t want other people to hear? I don’t quite get it, movie. Killing them all IS kind of an extreme conclusion to reach…

Haha, what the hell is this? Friday the 13th or some shit? I get that she's a thief, but does that automatically make her a psycho murderer too? Why are these kills so bloody and gory? By all reason they should be sloppy and wracked with guilt.

Oh, and for some reason, they’re in love now. Yeah. Because that adds SO MUCH to the story, right?

I really think they just had a bunch of ideas for short films and just mashed them all up together in this one - I mean c'mon, the airplane heist, the savage slasher kills, the supernatural crap that's about to happen, AND this hackneyed romance?

The whole reason they’re doing this is because they wanted to steal that vase in the cargo hold, which some old guy on the plane knows all about. Doesn’t this seem like kind of an elaborate scheme for a robbery? Why not just wait till the plane was on the ground, and nab it then? Or hire somebody to impersonate a worker and grab it before the plane leaves? How did they know it would specifically be on THAT plane, and not on one with people more capable of handling a situation like this, or who are just plain smarter? I guess the proper answer to all of these questions is that the writer was probably smoking too much weed while writing the script. Probably right out of that vase they seem to like so much.

We never see the vase, but I bet this is what it looks like.

I love how they just kidnap everyone else on the plane in the end and tie them all up. Why bother? You killed half the rest of the people on the goddamn plane. Was it really worth it to kill all of those people to keep your secrets when, apparently, the plan was to kidnap them anyway and tie them up? What other conclusion did you see happening, you numbskulls? That they would joyfully go along with being hijacked and help out for free?

Can't they just snap those thin ropes anyway? How tight can they be?

So that’s enough stupid for one movie, right? Nope! After that we see that the vase is actually magical this whole time, and starts making everyone all zombie-like until they kill themselves or someone else. Apparently the pilots have been dead this whole time, too, and the plane was just on “autopilot”…sure. The next fifteen minutes isn’t horrible I guess, unless you actually think about it. Then it just seems hilariously inept that it was shoved into the last quarter of the movie without any real build up.

After one guy heroically dive-bombs the plane into the water, “killing” the evil possessing vase thing, the big bad secret government group arrests everyone in the control room because of what they saw. And then we get another monologue about how bad things happen to good people. And then Mark Hamill shows his true nature…

"I'll get you next time, Batman!"

Aghhhhh! He’s become the Joker again! Run for your lives!

Eh, this movie was just ridiculous, really. The plot was about as coherent as the drunken memories of your first college party, the characters were mostly bland and the whole thing had a giant helping of stupid layered over top. And, you know? I really don’t think it’s all bad. Yeah, it’s got its problems. I can’t deny that a lot of it is very poorly done. But the thing with these kinds of low budget movies is that they probably didn’t have the greatest resources at their disposal when it came to writing and what not. But they tried anyway. They had ideas and they tried their damndest to make this an effective thriller. And that is worth more than a thousand Evil Dead remakes or new Star Trek films to me. It’s the beauty of filmmaking and hard work and passion. I had fun making fun of this, yeah, but it’s the kind of DIY, low budget stuff I watched in my teen years, and a lot of these movies probably had people working really hard on them. So for that I can’t fault Airborne, and it probably balances out the crap the movie has in it too.

But the real lesson we learned from this movie is, don’t go on airplanes. You might get kidnapped and then have an ancient mystical god make you kill yourself. Some people don’t get any luck.

Images copyright of evil supernatural airplane vases.

REVIEW: Gigli (2003)

Alright, so I’m only reviewing romantic comedies now – it’s time for a change and this is the change to end all changes. I feel rejuvenated and ready to review again. I really don’t see any other true path for myself except this. And what better to kick off my new and improved film reviewing series by doing the biggest flop of the 2000s, Gigli.

Director: Martin Brest

Starring: Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez

IMDb

That’s right, pretty much everyone who has ever seen this movie has something terrible to say about it. I’ve never heard a positive comment about this flick, ever. Most people call it one of the worst films ever made, in fact. But why? Most people really never go into why Gigli is so bad, and while I never doubted that it was, I was always curious as to exactly what horrific alchemical combination of cinematic elements made this film so reviled. After all, I’m never one to write off a movie before I even see it. So what better to do now than give Gigli the Cinema Freaks treatment and figure out why?

First of all, let’s look at the plot summary: Two professional gangsters, a straight man and a gay woman, have to live in the same apartment to watch after a retarded kid so the mob can blackmail some senator, all while the man tries to turn the woman straight so they can have sex.

….

…..

Okay, well…it might not be that bad…you never know! It could be…erm, ehhh…okay, that sounds like the worst idea I’ve ever heard of. But hey, an idea alone doesn’t make a bad movie, so why not check out the two stars? Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, who met on the set of the film, and drew heavy tabloid attention at the time because of how famous they were. They ended up breaking up after the film was released, and you can pretty much ad lib your own joke here - there are numerous different ones. And as we all know, isn't tabloid garbage over the personal lives of movie stars the foundation for every good movie?

Alright, fine, let’s just get started on the movie itself. Clearly every element of this film’s production, before, during and after, is working against it when it comes to the film’s overall quality, but that doesn’t mean a thing about the movie before I actually watch it! I stand resolute on that. Let us delve deep into Gigli’s bloated fat and hopefully come out with a gem or two.

We start off with Ben Affleck, playing the title character Gigli, doing his laundry:

Extra quarters needed when you use the dryer for torture methods.

Oops, did I say laundry? I meant pressure-drying a well-toasted Mexican. I suppose they’re about the same. I just wonder if this is the same Laundromat that Dr. Horrible uses. Lord knows this movie would be better with a song and dance number from Neil Patrick Harris.

After he fails at that, his boss gets onto him about not being a good hit man. As punishment, he’s given the task of watching some retarded kid, the brother of a senator, as blackmail. Affleck goes to pick up the kid, whose name is Brian, and finds probably the most insulting stereotype you can get outside of Ben Stiller in Tropic Thunder:

And this guy went on to play in the Hangover series...you decide which is more of a smudge on his dignity.

Oh, okay, it’s not that bad, and as the movie goes on it does actually get a little bit funny. But seriously, can you get any more shameless pandering for an Oscar? The idea of this movie winning an Oscar is a bit silly though. And to be fair, he does have the only funny lines in the movie later on.

Back at Gigli’s apartment, Gigli basically shouts a lot and acts like a giant douche toward Brian. If you weren’t charmed by him up to this point, well THANK HEAVEN for these scenes! I just think any movie could be improved by adding screaming man-children who try to act way tougher than they probably really are! You know what else could improve this? An entirely implausible, unrealistic and silly plot thread introduced for the sole purpose of moving the ludicrous plot along!

There we go! This is J-Lo, playing Ricki, a female contract gangster-type person who was hired by Affleck’s boss because he didn’t trust Gigli to do the job alone. What exactly is so dire about this job anyway? He’s just taking care of some retarded kid for a few days. It’s not like it’s a matter of utmost importance. I guess I kinda see what he means; I mean the first five minutes Gigli gets Brian alone, he shouts at him and threatens him like a schoolyard bully on steroids. Yeah, real goddamn tough guy, right? But that’s exactly what I mean – the whole plot hinges on this implausibility, and so without it, the movie would fall apart. Great screenwriting, guys…

So the next ten minutes of the movie is pretty much just these three characters annoying one another. Gigli shouts a lot and in no way does he ever seem convincing as a tough guy. J-Lo mostly just keeps that irritatingly smug wise-ass look on her face the whole time and while she’s not as annoying as Affleck, she’s still pretty goddamn bad. Just watch the scene at the dinner table when Brian won’t eat and Gigli keeps shouting at him. Ricki gets involved, too, and the whole scene basically just becomes a cinematic nuclear bomb of annoyance.

Just look at some of this dialogue from our titular main character: If by some fuckin' miracle long shot you haven't heard of my reputation let me tell you who the fuck I am! I am the fuckin' Sultan of Slick, Sadie! I am the rule of fuckin' cool! You wanna be a gangster? You wanna be a thug? You sit at my fuckin' feet and gather the pearls that emanate forth from me! Because I'm the fuckin' original, straight-first-foremost, pimp-mack, fuckin hustler, original gangster's gangster!

…I am just at a loss for words. It’s like every 90s stereotype of white kids trying to act black rolled up into one overpaid, overrated Hollywood actor. If this was a 14 year old kid, it would be embarrassing, but when it’s Ben Affleck? The level of pure awfulness and life-ruining embarrassment just breaks the stratosphere and soars way into outer space. If you want nothing but a grown man verbally abusing a mentally handicapped person and a much smaller, less able to defend herself woman...well this movie is for you.

"LOOK AT ME, I'M TOUGH AND BADASS! I'M BULLYING A RETARDED GUY!" I seriously feel sorry for Affleck though, especially since he's trying so hard to be seen as a legitimate artist and filmmaker. This can't be helping his quest at all these days.

I mean this is bad. Really, really bad. It’s practically unwatchable. This is the equivalent to going to that family reunion you never wanted to go to, and having to sit there and listen to your divorced aunt and uncle trade jabs at each other while your baby cousin screams his head off, while you’re suffering from a painful ulcer. In fact, I think that’s selling the movie too short – the scenario I described is actually much preferable to watching Gigli.

So if you actually didn’t turn off the movie after that, we see Gigli trying to romance Ricki later on at night, even convincing her to sleep in the same bed as him for the hell of it. Wasn’t he just telling her how much he hated her a few scenes ago, and telling her how much he didn’t need her around? Given the way that Gigli has acted all movie up to now – i.e. like an impudent, tough-guy jackass – no rational woman would ever listen to him when he asked her to sleep with him. Hell, no woman would even find it the least bit endearing. But according to the movie’s warped universe, and its need for the plot to move forward, Ricki goes ahead and sleeps right beside him in the same bed.

Ohhh yeah, professional etiquette AND lesbian tendencies right out the window! Tell me, lesbian readers: just because you're not attracted to men, is it OK to sleep in the same bed with them because of that? I just love the several different yet equally proportionate tides of nonsense this movie is spewing all at the same time, within this one scene. It's just so unrealistic, even for an early 2000s rom-com, that it's practically the eighth wonder of the cinematic world.

She tells him she’s a lesbian, and that pretty much settles the whole movie, right? Clearly this romance will never work because Ricki is a lesbian, and since Gigli is a man, there’s no chemistry. So I can just turn the movie off now and not miss a damn thing. Phew. What a relief…

Oh, but of course that’s not true, because in Contrived Screenwriting Land, this just means that Gigli has a challenge set up for him! Because lesbianism is fine and well, unless you’re a really hot chick. In that case, it is the male prerogative to change her to straight! God this movie is bad. Is this really our plot now? Unless it’s going to go all Chasing Amy and actually explore the individual character rather than her sexuality, I don’t think it’s going to work. This movie has all the charm of an angry Wal Mart customer who lost his receipt. Incoherent, immature and out of touch with reality, expecting everyone else to play by his rules…yup, that’s this movie.

The next day Christopher Walken comes to see them, and at this point all I can wonder is how they got him to sign on for this. I guess his philosophy is that he’ll act in anything, with no restrictions on quality – he just loves acting. And you know what? I can respect that. Walken is a cool, funny guy, and he definitely brings this piece of shit up a notch. Even if his only contribution to the movie is talking about putting pie on his head:

Oh yeah Walken, bringin' the class. Easily the funniest part of this whole circus.

To be fair, that’s much more stimulating and interesting than what Gigli and Ricki talk about for the rest of the film. Hell, I’d rather watch a whole movie about Walken’s character. I bet at least he isn’t a self-important douchenozzle piece of shit who tries to romance a woman who by all biological laws of nature, isn’t interested in him and never will be. I’d much prefer Walken’s character had his own movie!

Sigh, but unfortunately the trainwreck must go on. Afterward, they go out and eat lunch at some place where a bunch of hooligans are blasting loud rap music. Gigli acts like a doofus and starts a fight with them, but Ricki diffuses the situation by going over and talking about how she can gouge out their eyes with some martial arts skills she has. Afterwards she tells Gigli that it was all bullshit and she was just putting on a show…wow, what a useful scene, movie. What does that establish? That Ricki is a good liar? Wow, what a great reason to have a scene.

Oh please J-Lo, bestow upon us some more of your wisdom and knowledge.

They go to see Gigli’s mom, and it’s pretty much just a waste of time, so I’ll skip it. Back at home, Gigli comes across Ricki doing some yoga in his room and they fight about which sex is more desirable in bed, men or women. It’s a stupid argument because, well, explaining why would just bring me down to the movie’s level. But I will say this: watching Affleck here, playing the tough guy, the sex machine, is about as embarrassing as the other scenes of him trying to act like a tough guy. Watching this scene is just a pinnacle of god-awful writing and embarrassing lines that I am surprised either actor ever wanted to show their face in public after seeing. It really comes down to a contest of which is more annoyingly bad: Affleck’s tough-guy, “I’m the biggest sex god in the world” act, or Lopez’s “I know everything about everything” bullshit.

…okay, well the answer is still Affleck. But DAMN does Lopez give him a run for his money here! You could buy a car if you had a dime for every time she gives an annoyingly pretentious speech in this movie! Might as well just call it a new philosophy: The Zen of Ricki.

The next morning we get introduced to another character that will make you want to bang your head against a wall, Ricki’s girlfriend, who refuses to listen to reason and just screams at Ricki for staying in a house with a man.

How come she's so hysterical? Why is she so rude to just barge into Gigli's place and cause a ruckus? How did she even know where Ricki was? The movie will have the grace to answer absolutely none of these.

Even though both Ricki and Gigli try to tell the woman otherwise, she won’t listen. The only thing worthwhile about this scene is the following dialogue exchange:

Bitchy Girlfriend Character: Who the fuck are you?

Brian: You’re the fuck are you!

Yeah, not much, but in this movie? I’ll take it. You may notice I haven’t been talking a lot about Brian, and that’s because frankly his scenes aren’t too bad. They’re not good, but at least you can tell the filmmakers were at least trying to make something a little bit likable with them, unlike basically any other part of the film. He keeps saying he wants to go to “Baywatch,” where “all the pretty girls are,” and every time Gigli just picks up a flashlight and pretends to talk into it like a phone, “finding out” that the “Baywatch” is closed for the day. It’s a pretty jackass move, and I’m not even convinced that Brian is stupid enough to really believe it, but whatever; it’s still one of the least offensive parts of this whole mess.

Anyway, if you can believe it, the bitchy girlfriend character goes nuts in Gigli’s apartment, grabs a knife out of his kitchen drawer and slits her wrists in protest of, I guess, the fact that Ricki is with a man. Did we just enter into another movie all the sudden? What the hell is this crap? It’s got nothing to do with anything in the film and leads to nothing at all.

This has been the emotional climax of an entirely different film! Thank you for your time.

Oh, except a quick joke about Brian coming in his pants when he sees pretty girls. Thanks for that one, movie…just, thanks.

Later on, because attempted suicide puts them in the mood, Gigli and Ricki have sex together. Well actually that’s a bit of an oversimplification. What really happens is this: Gigli and Ricki are riding in the car and Gigli decides he’s fed up with it all, that he can’t take it anymore! He confesses his love to Ricki in one of the worst, least-inspiring movie speeches of all time, presented verbatim here:

You know something? You're right. It is sadness. Its sadness and I'm fucking sad. You got me. You're a genius. You know why I'm fucking sad? Because I got this fucking beautiful-sexy-gorgeous-hearthrob-o-rama-fucking-smart-amazing-bombshell-seventeen-on a fucking ten scale- girl sleeping in a bed right next to me and you know what? She's a stone cold dyke. A fucking untouchable, unhaveable, unattainable brick wall fucking dyke-a-saurus rexi. So its sad. Okay? What you want me to do? I feel fucking sadness about that. There's nothing I can fucking do. And not only is she a major babe, but I really like this girl a lot, a lot, I mean she's not like anybody else I ever knew before and that's a completely fucking new one on me, and I don't even know her real fucking name so there you go. Oh and in case you're interested, my life sucks. Alright? Stick a fork in me I'm done.

My heart is just crying. But you know what the strangest part of this whole sad-sack love story is? That speech up there; that contrived, poorly done, emotionally retarded speech? IT WORKS.

That’s right – it actually gets her into bed with him. I guess the secret to any lesbian’s heart is making horrible profanity-laden, immature and selfish speeches! Straight men, rejoice!

They talk some more about which sex is better at having sex, and, okay, I’ll bite: how is this argument in any way worth having? They’re literally arguing for or against homosexuality. Dude, Affleck; it’s not really up for debate which team she’s swinging for! It’s not like they’re impressionable little kids choosing which sport to play, you know! But I guess he really does think lesbians can be swayed easily to turn straight…and in this case he was right…sigh. There goes more of my faith in humanity. The idea of these two having sex so casually and spontaneously after Ricki just went through an emotional confrontation with her girlfriend is just ludicrous, and further shows that the film is completely detached from reality. A logical plot? What’s that?

Then we get some other long, drawn out bullshit about this mob boss guy played by Al Pacino, of all people – unlike Walken he does not give a film-redeeming performance, and instead just comes off as incredibly dull, loud and obnoxious. His whole point in the movie is to tell them that he didn’t like the idea of having Gigli kidnap Brian. That’s really about it…amazing…he kills the other mob boss guy who we saw at the beginning, and then threatens to kill Gigli and Ricki, too. Until Ricki goes on another one of her oh-so-enlightening speeches and talks him out of it pretty quickly, to be honest…I mean really? This is your big final confrontation? A guy changes his mind after a pretentious lesbian makes a speech?

He looks like an out of touch old codger trying to remain cool and hip...great character movie; I'm just so blown away. I'm also blown away that you got such an irritating performance out of Al Pacino of all people.

After that the movie decides it’s done torturing us, and decides to just kind of end. They drive Brian to the beach, which he claims is the Baywatch he’s been looking for all movie – some kind of filming set with a bunch of chicks and dudes in bathing suits. He finally goes and talks to one of them, which I guess is supposed to be the emotional climax of the movie.

…or is the emotional climax when Ricki comes back and tells Gigli she wants to be with him?

Alriiiiight, they had no chemistry and by all the laws of human interaction, this scumbag shouldn't have ended up with this pretentious lesbian, BUT IT'S A HAPPY ENDING! WHOO!

I don’t know; the movie couldn’t even decide. This whole thing is like five different movie clichés all in one! Is it the touching story of two unlikely people who fall in love? A mob scheme gone wrong? Or is it the story of how a cold-hearted thug helped a mentally ill person?

Well, either way, Gigli is just unbearable. It’s as bad as everyone says. I will say there are a few moments that maybe could have worked, if done by a more competent director and given more emotional weight, like the parts about Brian. The film is poorly acted, poorly written and the directing is ho-hum at best. But most of this is just ear-raping, eye-gouging horrors at how annoying Affleck and Lopez can be, and amazement at how they’re annoying in such specially unique ways. It’s seriously amazing how little chemistry on screen these two have. Doubly so because they were legitimately interested in one another offscreen - you'd think that would have translated to at least a little bit of a feeling like their characters at least liked one another. But I guess the power of the awful script really just transcends any other efforts to salvage the film, because the two of them act like they just met in an elevator before being asked to come make the movie.

Really, Gigli is just living proof of how we shouldn’t expect so much from a film solely based on who’s acting in it, and especially not if said actors are notoriously popular heartthrobs famous for tabloids and “who’s dating who” tidbits. The late 90s and early 2000s was full of this kind of celebrity idolization, in a much deeper way than today’s more informed generation has it, and Gigli was the final nail in the coffin for that kind of shallow appreciation of movies. I really do think people have gotten a lot wiser since, though; because really, there hasn’t been a big flop like this since. Not one that everyone was really on the edge of their seats waiting for, anyway. So it’s good that we’re finally learning that much, anyway, and if that’s the best thing I can take away from a viewing of Gigli, then I’m okay with that.

And I think the BIGGEST lesson I’ve learned from this terrifying journey is that I don’t have to restrict myself to any one genre to review movies. Hell, even when I started out, I knew that. Where did I lose the way? From now on I think I’ll just make a vow to review anything, from any genre. That sounds like a way better idea than just becoming stagnant by only reviewing one type of film. So I guess this is a good happy ending after all. And to think it came from Gigli. Who ever saw that one coming?

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