House of Cards Season 6: Chapter 72 / 73

Well, it's here, the final two House of Cards episodes and the removal of the metaphorical ulcer on all of our subsconsciouses. I know some people like the show, but fuck it, this isn't about them. I am glad this is show is done. Now all that's left is for me to pump out some paragraphs detailing exactly what was so strange and silly about these episodes...

So apparently it's several months in the future, and Claire is pregnant and has a 70% approval rating as president. Wow, I knew this was fantasy, but goddamn is that a stretch. The Russian troll farms alone would've crucified her by this point. Let alone the mommy's boys who live in their parents' basements and consider a day of posting on Reddit to be productive. I guess there is some kind of plot about an app that invaded people's privacy, which Claire gets credit for slamming – but that's all very boring and ends up leading precisely nowhere.

Another thing that leads nowhere is the Shepherds' storyline, with Greg Kinnear's character getting accosted by a random girl at an event for polluting the city with chemicals. It really has no relevance. I guess they had to fill up screen time. I would've preferred if they had put in one of those old Windows maze screensavers instead. Those were cool and more engaging than this.

Not all is peachy, though, as apparently Doug Stamper is on the run, only surfacing from random gas stations in the country to call Seth Grayson, another old character nobody cares about, and tell him a bunch of Frank Underwood diary quotes from the beginning of the fucking show, about characters like Zoe who have long since been dead. This show expects us all to be fucking historians. Jesus – if you don't have much to focus on now, maybe your show needs work if all you have is stuff from six years ago.

Oh, and would Frank have kept a diary? He didn't seem like the type. Not with all his machinations. But who am I to criticize obviously flimsy plots you made as a half-assed attempt to cover up for Kevin Spacey's real life misdeeds? You do what you gotta do to get by, show, even if it is as shameless as possible. We all have those times.

Hm, what else have I missed? Oh yeah – the plot to assassinate Claire, orchestrated by Annie Shepherd and a bunch of other people, sitting around a board room in the middle of the day like goddamn supervillains. It's so insane, even though I am positive people will try and spin this as “oooOOOOOoooh, this happens in real life all the time!!” I dunno. I just love the line where Annie says “What are we going to do about the conspiracy nonsense when that comes up?” Conspiracy nonsense? YOU ARE CONSPIRING RIGHT NOW. THAT IS HAPPENING. I get what she meant, but damn do I love some of these goofy-ass lines.

The episode ends with an utterly fucking insane moment of Claire sitting in a dark room and singing a horrific nursing rhyme... “Row row row your boat / gently down the stream / If you see a crocodile / don't forget to scream.” It's literally like a fucking horror movie. God this show has lost its fucking mind.

In 'Chapter 73,' everything just starts unraveling. News of the potential assassination has reached Claire, and she's in panic mode, beginning to talk about nuking Russia or something. It's all very insane and I guess the show is playing up her pregnancy and how people feel about a pregnant woman. It's sort of trying to make a statement? Maybe? I dunno. It could be worse at it, I'll give you that – but I hardly think this is a very insightful message or anything. Not like House of Cards will be what people reach for in terms of feminist critique later.

It's just that they're not really saying anything. They have people reacting poorly to Claire because she's pregnant. Big whoop. What do you really have to say in deeper layers beyond 'people are biased against pregnant women's ability to lead'? Claire even makes a big speech about “pre-conceived notions.” Actually, she's had several lines this season like that, just direct and on the nose. It would be fine if it were better written or had more of a point, but there's just nothing to hook you in beyond that and so it feels like preaching. Just saying “Women are treated bad” out loud isn't really a feminist critique so far as writing a fictional TV show goes.

The issue with the show now is that it's gotten rid of every interesting character. Most of the ones focused on the last two seasons – Jane Davis and the Shepherds and Mark Usher – there's nothing interesting about. It's like if they just started following around random accounting people in an office. I don't give one single shit about these characters.

So I guess if you're gonna go out, there are worse ways than a bunch of scenes of a pregnant President threatening to nuke everyone. It's actually kind of funny, I'll give them that. She orders everyone out of the White House pretty much, intending to try and isolate herself from the impending assassin.

Doug Stamper shows up, probably the most obvious candidate for an assassin, but he's just allowed to walk around wherever I guess. This is the same White House where Frank pushed a woman down the stairs and into a coma in broad daylight – confirmed.

He and Claire have a talk and it's revealed that Doug was actually the one who killed Frank! My god! It's barely elucidated on as to why this happened. There's enough drama in this scene to be some kind of bargain-basement version version of Shakespeare. All the overwrought emoting, but none of the talent. I guess you got to work with what you have. It is almost like some kind of strange Scooby Doo episode reveal. "I would've gotten away with killing Frank if not for the show's lame writing!"

Then Doug stabs her in the neck, and she stabs him in the gut, killing him. Who knows how this is going to play when the general American public finds out that a woman killed a man in the White House? I mean, for real life, that still wouldn't be shocking. We'd be like 'big deal, last week Trump took a shit on the floor of the Iranian embassy on live TV.' But in this universe I'm sure it's at least a bit of a feather-ruffling.

So, I guess in general, this was how I expected House of Cards to end when I started watching it years ago. No complaints here! Since this episode aired, though, Kevin Spacey was formally charged with sexual assault for the first time and he released an utterly insane video where he acted as Frank Underwood and blathered on about how he wasn't dead and every accusation against him is a lie. So I guess we can brace for THAT spinoff – wouldn't you find it morbidly curious to watch him try to make a sequel to House of Cards on his iPhone where he tries to make it actually legit? 'The REAL story' or some such garbage? That would be fucked up, but interesting in the way a car crash is.

At every fucking turn this show was less dramatic than real life. It was completely devoured by reality. Every goddamn time. If it was a better show than the awful garbage it became in its final seasons, I might have even felt bad.

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House of Cards Season 6: Chapters 70 / 71: Strap In For The Ride, Kids

This pairing of episodes at least picks up the pace enough for it to be exciting, even if it is still utter trash – it's at least exciting trash. We learn in Chapter 70 that Claire has been missing from the spotlight for weeks for an unknown reason. All the TV talking heads are speculating over it and saying she's not fit to lead. These are probably the most realistic parts of the show at this point, when the news anchors are on, though if it were TRULY realistic than they'd have a bunch of Nazis on as guests all the time for “fair and balanced” free speech.

Claire, it turns out, is actually just pretending to be a basket case. She faked some photo with her mascara running and her screaming like she's in horrific grief. The whole thing is like some kind of pastiche of cliches for how a female president would be viewed by the media, and honestly, as much as I hate to say it, it kinda works. It's the only time so far that the show remembered what it's supposed to be, which is complete over the top fiction and fantasy.

Meanwhile, Vice President Mark Usher and a bunch of random people who I guess we're supposed to know all begin to try and invoke the 25th amendment to remove Claire. In real life this hasn't been done even when our president is buddying up with dictators, but here they go shockingly fast to it. I guess that's just how much this country hates women. I can't even say it's totally unrealistic.

Doug Stamper is doing all kinds of fun things like beating up his old therapist and finding out that Frank Underwood's will actually gave everything to him, but it was hidden from him! Woohoo! Isn't it fun being in this circle of characters? It's actually amazing how sexy this makes politics look. In reality it's a bunch of geriatrics screaming at each other. This show soups it up like a fucking James Bond car.

The episode ends with Claire firing everyone trying to 25th amendment her, and instead installing an all-female cabinet for the first time in history. Will this actually be expounded on, or is it good enough just to show a bunch of chicks sitting at a table? I guess we'll find out on the NEXT EPISODE, COMING RIGHT NOW!

'Chapter 71' is kind of like the beginning of a person's descent into Alzheimer's – it's not pleasant, but some parts of it are undoubtedly interesting. For some reason the show focuses a lot on the family drama in the Shepherd family, with son Duncan finding out he was actually the child of the family maid! Dun dun DUN!!! Actually it's super boring and drags this thing down like an albatross. Holy shit is it mundane. Why should I care about this? I'm guessing there could be a payoff later, but honestly I do not trust the show to follow through in a meaningful way. Since, ya know, I don't care about these characters at all.

Claire, meanwhile, has to address talk about the several abortions she's had, telling the nation it's her business and no one else's and they should all fuck off – well, the last part is implied, but with this show, wouldn't it be believable for the president to do that?

The rest of this is just her doing what she does best, scheming to kill everyone. Not a skill they taught in school. She manages to get the Shepherds' scandals out there to where they'll be arrested and Mark Usher, she gets fingered by the FBI for working with the Russians – this is surely something nobody in real life can relate to or that makes them tired or their eyes glaze over. Very fresh subject matter!

Doug Stamper meets with Tom Hammerschmidt, who asks him straight up if he killed Rachel the prostitute from several seasons ago, and if Frank killed Zoe Barnes – it's still amazing to me that this fucking show is still stuck on stuff from the very beginning of its run. Move the fuck on! My favorite part of this scene is when Tom asks Doug about these murders and Doug is like “are we still on the record?” That was way funnier than anything else in this bullshit, hands down.

Then, to cap it all off, House of Cards actually has the balls to rip off the scene from The Godfather where everyone gets murdered. They literally just do that, having Tom Hammerschmidt, that lady Jane and Cathy Durant all murdered in succession. I know it's silly to be amazed at this when the presidency in real life has its share of shady shit going on behind the scenes – but come on. It's literally just The Godfather. I'm surprised they didn't literally show, scene-by-scene, as she cut off a horse head and put it in someone's bed.

Oh, and then she and Doug meet to talk about Frank's will some more. It's baffling that this is a plotline here. Why are you focusing on Frank? I thought the whole point was to shove him out of the way so Claire was in the spotlight. Having all this feminist-empowerment stuff and then just going back to talking about a white sex abuser man is the hardest 180 ever. There are skid marks on the road and your tires are on fire from that. The cops are probably coming.

But don't worry – Claire is PREGNANT now! Plot twist! What?! There are two episodes of this entire show left and man I can't wait until it's all over forever.

Images copyright of their original owners; I own none of them.

House of Cards Season 6: Chapters 68 / 69: The Insomnia Cure Episodes

Honestly, I had a hard time reviewing these episodes. They're pretty boring. The show has a tendency to fill up its runtimes with a lot of navel-gazing political back-channels and “drama” solely manufactured from everyone backstabbing each other and talking about how they want to backstab each other. I fell asleep during both of these episodes, and I don't think it was just me being tired. It's a dull slog of a time.

I guess there's the return of the Tom Hammerschmidt character, who has been in this since season 1 and trying and failing to put together any clues that could bring down the Underwoods. Buddy, if you've been at it this long and still can't do it, maybe this wasn't ever the job for you. This season we first see him losing his temper at his job over them not investigating Frank's death enough. He screams in the middle of the office that they're barely even doing journalism so much as “feeding pigs from the trough” with viral content. He's right, but man is it a hilarious outburst that would demand to go viral for how funny it is if it were real. I'd play that a few times.

Then there's also Cathy Durant, recovered from the time Frank pushed her down the stairs in the middle of the White House in broad daylight – which was pretty much the show's crown jewel of stupidity and one of the worst moments on TV I can think of lately. Claire, feeling that she's going to testify against her, wants Doug Stamper to have her killed. God, this shit is like a really poor mafia story these days. Like The Godfather, but written by a half-assed hack airport thriller writer.

You know, maybe it would be more interesting to have character development rather than just everyone constantly scheming to kill one another. Look at the wild characters we're dealing with in real life politics. Imagine all the neuroses and seething resentments and weird psychoses you could play with if you mirrored THAT. But nah better just stick to the same old soulless tricks! At least it's a decent sleep medication. I did need to catch up on that.

Meanwhile the Shepherds continue to try and manipulate Claire, mostly using Vice President Mark Usher, who is mostly dull here despite the guy's obvious acting chops. More angry people shouting! Greg Kinnear is way too good to be in this. They just didn't give him any interesting lines or character traits. There's some talk about a Supreme Court justice, and about a war in the Middle East, and none of it is more interesting than real life politics – the show's constant failure now.

There's also Janine Skorsky, another journalist character who used to be interesting but now gets like one episode per season. Her main role is looking like a terrified deer in headlights all the time, it seems like. She's driving around with Hammerschmidt and the two of them are talking about the coincidence of all these bodies piling up around the Underwoods, and how it all seems to connect. OH REALLY? DOES IT ALL CONNECT? TELL ME MORE, SHERLOCKS! REGALE ME WITH YOUR HYPOTHESES AND GUESSES ON WHETHER OR NOT THESE OBVIOUS CRIMINALS ARE ENGAGED IN CRIMINAL ACTIVITY.

It's revealed, I guess, that Cathy Durant isn't really dead after all! OOOoooOOOO! Only even that doesn't get me excited. These aren't characters so much as they are chess pieces and pawns. It's not engaging fiction.

I can't even describe accurately how boring these episodes were. I barely even got to make jokes. There was so little funny here. I guess I'll continue from here and hope that the boredom doesn't lower my heart rate to the point where I die.

Image copyright of its original owner; I don't own it.

House of Cards Season 6: Chapters 66 / 67

Well, I've been watching House of Cards since season 1, and in that time I've had the incredible privilege of witnessing TV get better and better and moving beyond this ridiculous show. All while real world politics getting more insane every day rendered it completely irrelevant. So here's some reviews of the final season after star Kevin Spacey was ousted due to real-life sexual harassment accusations!

I think it's safe to say there are SPOILERS in these.

The first episode 'Chapter 66' doesn't waste any time, with Claire Underwood as the first female president of the United States. She's trying to establish herself as dominant by doing things like having all the death threats against her read aloud in the oval office. I'm sure that's like a lullaby to her calloused blackened soul. But then again it's not like we get any character development – we haven't in this show for years now. The closest we get is when, while doing one of the show's trademarked facing the camera speeches, she says that “everything Francis told us was a lie” over the course of the show. No real elaboration yet, not even a hint of it, but it SOUNDS cool. Oh, hey, that's most of this show since like season 3.

Then there's one scene where she finds the bats in the walls of the White House that she thinks represent her husband Frank. Then going outside and releasing it while giving a speech about being free. Which, I'm sure will give some jobs to people to fix that wall and to stomp out the bat problem apparently in there... see, who says the first female president wasn't going to get anything done?

Oh and she also gets into a weird pointless thing with a black military girl who asks her if she'll have a plan that won't get them all killed – it's a legitimate question, and Claire responds haughtily and dismissively with “would you have asked me that if I were a man?” It's weird that this is trying to be progressive in a gender way but also reinforces the old 'rich powerful white woman talks down to a person of color' thing at the same time. Sort of a kaleidoscopic labyrinth and you can't tell how to feel about it. But you be you, show!

There's no shortage of manufactured drama, either – in one scene, barely a half hour in, someone attempts to assassinate her by shooting through her car window. Jesus! This show doesn't let up. Being president truly is an exciting job where most of it consists of espionage and dodging bullets. Being president is basically just being John McClane.

There's also the Doug Stamper character, who is now in a mental institution talking to therapists – truly an innovative idea we've never seen before. And Greg Kinnear and Diane Lane return as a pair of psychopathic rich donors called the Shepherds, who really want Claire to sign this de-regulation bill and she won't do it. All of this is pretty tired for the show, but not too bad yet. If anything it's just funny how every scene is really just a bunch of angry people shouting at each other. Nobody is happy on this show. Ever. Every scene, their scowls are practically choreographed.

In 'Chapter 67' we start to get a bit more of a story. Claire, while in a town that has been evacuated for a chemical leak, finds Frank Underwood's ring on a bed in a house there. She deduces, apparently correctly, that someone has dug up Frank's grave in order to get the ring just to leave it on the bed in a random house! Dun dun dun! Apparently Greg Kinnear's character, Bill Shepherd, did this. He also shot at her in the first episode. And he was also breaking into her house at one point. This guy really wants that dumb bill passed. Because in House of Cards land, this behavior apparently doesn't even warrant a strange look or a turn of the head.

Meanwhile his sister, Annie, is apparently one of Claire's childhood friends. They have a tense conversation about how they both slept with Frank and how he wasn't that great at having sex. For this to be a serious conversation between the two main female characters is just... uh, hilarious, to put it lightly. Like, hey, what else would a woman president and a powerful female adversary EVER have to talk about but sex? They also have a weird sort of yoga scene with their shoes off. Show, if you want us to take you remotely seriously, you gotta do this exact scene but with men next time. Just do that.

There's also the BIG REVEAL of what really happened to Frank that we never saw. Claire tells us, in one of those trademarked scenes of her facing the camera alone again, that he came back to the White House after being ousted and shouted drunkenly at her, forcing her to retreat to her room. Then she found him dead the next day in his bed. So it was “Them,” a shadowy cabal, she says, that killed him! Conspiracy! Sound the sirens and ready the bunker!

Uh, show, are you sure it's a good idea to release a plotline in this political climate about a deep state that secretly controls and can kill the higher-ups in the White House? There are some real cases like Pizzagate where this stuff was taken too far. Not a great message. But who am I kidding? The people who believe that stuff would've already been bored to sleep by this incompetent show.

The rest of the episode is mostly boring stuff about de-regulation policies. Because this show, existing in the current American political climate, thinks de-regulation policies is what would be firing up the cylinders on talk news shows in a fictional world. Cute. Almost quaint.

Anyway, tune in soon for more of the 'being president is basically being an action hero' show! Who knows what wacky hijinks will ensue? I've got six more episodes. Send help.

Pictures credited to their original owners; we don't own them.

The House That Jack Built (2018)

This is a movie that had people walking out furious and sickened during festival screenings, so of course I had to see it. And of course it was directed by acclaimed provocateur Lars von Trier, whose films are often considered either brilliant (by eccentric film nerd standards) or hot, terrible garbage by everyone else. So all in all, this movie about an insane serial killer is a perfect storm for a review here.

Director: Lars von Trier

Starring: Matt Dillon, Riley Keough

IMDb

So why did all those people walk out of this, anyway, you might be asking? Well, because the movie is basically wholly comprised of trolling and edge-lord stuff. It's like a peek into the mind of a 4chan board or something, only done with some actual humor and good directing. I couldn't stop watching just because I had no clue what was going to happen next. It's basically like Dexter if Dexter had a lot to say about how much he hated women. It's American Psycho with no sense of irony.

It's a completely immoral movie, too, which is often the worse sin for some people. You can have some blood and guts in it, but if a movie seems to be on the Right Side™ then it's often much less offensive to a lot of people than a movie that roots for its bad guy and doesn't even try to have a message. The House That Jack Built is about a serial killer named Jack (woah, what a leap) and we get zero insight into his character, no sympathy or backstory. Just him chronicling five times he killed people over a period of years.

There's one time where he kills two kids with a sniper while hunting and then forces their mom to try and feed pie to one, which is bad because too much pie will make a child fat. And, oh, hell, who am I kidding? Making jokes like that is beneath me for this movie. It's so obvious it's like a big neon sign. The movie itself is already kind of a joke anyway and me joking about it is the extra whipped cream on top that nobody wanted.

It's horrifically, almost parodically violent – the stuff that happens crosses a line from gruesome into just plain goofy a lot of the time. I mean it's still horrible to watch, but it's so over the top that it actually kind of lessens the impact at times – like, one scene he kills a woman and then has to keep coming back over and over to make sure he didn't accidentally leave a speck of blood anywhere. That's just ridiculous. Another time he cuts off a woman's tit and then pins it to the hood of a cop car. Take THAT, cops! Do you now see the error of your ways, police officers?! What deep social commentary this is...

There's also a bunch of inner monologuing and dialogue that's mostly just him raving about nothing. It's all a lot of nonsense. A lot of it comes off like stuff you'd read on some Incel message board in a dark hole of the internet. One time he shouts at a victim that “it's always the man's fault and the woman is the victim.” A few times he goes into lengthy screeds about Nazi architecture and you even see a few pictures of Hitler. ARE YOU OFFENDED YET??? That seems to be the only real goal here. No bigger story, just provocation. As much as some reviews will point out that you barely get any character insight or development, no reason why this guy is the way he is – I don't think it's necessary. If you want to know why he is the way he is, just log into Reddit or 4chan and find one of the many alt-right rat-holes where these people congregate.

Oh, and the finale is a trippy, 2001: A Space Odyssey-esque journey into Hell full of creepy Halloween lights and dramatic sounds. Then he falls into the abyss and that's the end of it. Honestly, it would've been funnier if he went to heaven or if there was just nothing after death. That would have been more fitting than 'the Christian idea of Hell is right.' Kind of an orthodox way to end such a gritty, edgy movie, huh?

This mostly seemed like what I said above, purely an exercise in offending people. If it wasn't so funny at parts and so well acted, it would basically just be a sloppy diatribe by an alt-right dude-bro on the internet. It's hardly anything substantial. Seems like von Trier hearing what everyone said about him, including a ban from the Cannes film festival for some shit he said about Nazis years ago, and really just everything about his other films, and then was like 'I'll just make the movie everyone thought I would make, anyway.' And then he basically made a very well made internet troll comment and put that on screen. But it doesn't have the sharp, vicious point of a Dogville or the sheer misanthropy and misery of Antichrist – not even close.

In a way it seems every provocative filmmaker could very easily slip into this mode. I didn't find very much depth here. It was entertaining at points just for how utterly depraved it was, and then at other points it was just cringeworthy – that tit-cutting scene was pretty awful to watch. I'm sure von Trier's point here, lashing back at critics and just fucking with everyone, was fun for him, and he'll get some views from all the controversy. But in terms of depth and actual quality it just seems like a big-budget equivalent of a guy screaming at the sky just to vent anger.

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