The Post (2017)

The Post is a well made movie – I don't think anyone's disputing that. Steven Spielberg is a veteran and he obviously had shit to say here... from the commentary on the current Trump administration, in the way the movie talks about Nixon in the 70s, and in the feminist leanings as it has Meryl Streep buck the patriarchal system that condescends to her. These things are timely in the context of today's news, while also being a part of the straight historical tale Spielberg is telling.

Director: Steven Spielberg

Starring: Meryl Streep, Tom Hanks

IMDb

But I just wish it was more exciting as a film. This is about as ramrod-stiff as a movie can be, and while it tells the events of the infamous Pentagon Papers in a well-directed way that moves the story along, I just couldn't really bring myself to be truly excited. I'm a journalist myself, so I enjoyed the rah-rah nature and the fuck-you to the establishment trying to suppress the First Amendment. All of that was kinda cool, albeit predictable.

The whole thing just ends up feeling so rote. You might as well just make a conveyor belt with every Oscar-baiting trope in existence. Despite its professional sheen and the talented actors, you get everything I always see in these historical biopics and true-life type films... there are enough dramatic 'fuck you' speeches in this, and enough Eureka moments and shocked faces when something Big and Important happens, that I pretty much knew when it was about to happen next. Every dialogue has to be some monologue that's important and has all this real world meaning and gravitas. I just think it gets a bit boring after a while. Yeah I enjoy seeing them the first time, maybe the second time – but does every bit of dialogue have to be something you wrote while fantasizing about an Oscar for Best Script? If people talked like this in real life, we'd never enjoy conversations again. We'd be rolling our eyes so much that people would think we were imitating The Exorcist.

It just seems like a common trap these movies fall into. I also saw Trumbo the other day, which was similarly stiff in a way – though bolstered by an incredible Bryan Cranston performance. But in the same way, all the dialogue and scenes started to feel very rote and by the book. It's a cheap shot to say that we know things will work out in the end for these courageous rebels in these films, because then why make any movie if you're not going to round out a story well? It wouldn't be as good if they failed in Trumbo and every writer got blacklisted forever. Or if, in The Post, they altered history and Nixon crushed the First Amendment under his boot. That would be weird. Though maybe it would at least be funny if nothing else, to go in expecting the usual happy, historically accurate ending, and then get a twist like that – I'd find that oddly humorous anyway.

I guess all I'm saying is that these movies just all feel the same. They all follow a formula – a historic tale woven into a simplified Rebels Take On The Empire type of story, with a seemingly choreographed amount of Big Speeches and dramatic, hushed silences playing out over two hours before we get a scene of everyone hugging and cheering when it all works out. It's like Mad Libs with big budget Hollywood scripts.

I'm not saying these movies are bad – they're OK at best. They are the vanilla ice cream of movies. Safe and dependable and not really all that challenging. And I give The Post credit for trying to tie in some current themes to a historic context, which made it a bit more flavorful at parts. But it wasn't enough. I just didn't find it that exciting. Recommended if you want something to watch with your grandma's book club I guess?

The Best Movies of 2017

I honestly had a hard time narrowing down what I wanted to put on this list this year. There were so many good movies that it was tough to choose - in the end I went with 13 movies as opposed to 10. And even beyond that, it was tough to really order the fucking things. I think the majority of films on this list are about equally good, and the numbers are mostly a formality. The top three are definitely in the right order, though.

We got some of just about everything this year, and I was happy to have seen pretty much all of these in a theater. Like every year, these are the films that made me remember why I enjoy going to the movies so much.

BEST MOVIES OF 2017

13. Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Marvelous, sweeping, grandiose sci-fi epic. This is the best Star Wars movie since Empire Strikes Back, with compelling character development and drama and explosive, fast paced action making for a generally rich, engaging cinema experience like these movies should be.

12. It

Easily my favorite Stephen King adaptation yet. This is a vibrant and evocative film that brings the book to life – with its childish curiosity as well as the creeping horror underneath, It (2017) captures what King was doing perfectly. I can't wait for the second part.

11. The Bad Batch

A unique film from up-and-coming director Ana Lily Amirpour, this film engages in both wanton violence and gore as well as majestic, romantic scenes, and comes out an extremely interesting, colorful viewing experience.

10. The Disaster Artist

James Franco's adaptation of this book about the making of 'bad cinema classic' The Room is several things all at once – a love-letter to the film's bizarro legacy, a mulling on art and success and just a funny fucking movie. Brilliant stuff, especially since I didn't think they'd be able to make a good movie out of the source material.

9. The Shape Of Water

Finally, a Guillermo del Toro movie to match the brilliance of Pan's Labyrinth from over a decade ago. This is just a well-rounded, kick ass movie, with romance and drama and supernatural intrigue all over it. It's a simple story done up with an attention to detail that makes it a full, rich cinematic experience.

8. The Florida Project

A heavy film but an important one, this depicts poverty right on the edge of my home-town Orlando and the famous Disney World. Raw and visceral, this film doesn't pull its punches and delivers a memorable and haunting experience. We all need to do better at helping people and shouldn't need a movie like this to show us that.

7. Lady Bird

Another wonderful comedy this year – Lady Bird is a coming of age story about a teenage girl in a small town, and while you've seen films like this before, they're rarely so well-written or incisive as Lady Bird. This is a film that bursts from the seams with wit and personality and good humor.

6. Baby Driver

Edgar Wright is a great director and Baby Driver – his first totally original script done all on his own – is a marvelous spectacle. Fun action, great acting and inventive, kick-ass music and sound editing make this a treat for every sense you have.

5. The Big Sick

Just a wonderfully written and directed film about the real life of comedian Kumail Nanjiani and how he married his wife – involving his Pakistani heritage and a mysterious illness on her part. There was really nothing wrong with this and it worked because it's funny, personable, warm and very human.

4. Get Out

For those who say there are no original ideas left anymore, I'd offer up Get Out as a counterpoint. Part horror, part comedy and part social commentary, Get Out is tricky to define, but not everything has to have just one genre. It's a powerful film about the black experience and director Jordan Peele is one to watch.

3. I Don't Feel at Home In This World Anymore

A wonderful film that tackles feelings of alienation and unlikely friendship with a very human, down to Earth angle and great character writing. Plus a bizarre crime story. This was a delight from beginning to end and I can't stop watching it.

2. Three Billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri

Masterfully complex, this is Martin McDonagh's best film yet. It masterfully weaves issues of justice into an off-beat comedy with a lot of shocking parts. This movie subverts every expectation you have and comes out beautifully, surprisingly human for it.

1. Colossal

My favorite movie this year was an oddball tale so strange I can barely describe it to people who ask. It's about a girl who can conjure up a giant Kaiju-like monster in Seoul, South Korea. But it's also about power, about corruption and about perspective and how men and women navigate power dynamics. It's compelling stuff, and I notice new things every time I see it. It's a singular, unique tale and had a very specific story and goal in mind. I find it endlessly fascinating. Movie of the year for me.

There were also some other movies I wanted to include here, but figured 13 was a nice and neat enough number and didn't want to mess that up, Here's some runners-up:

RUNNERS-UP

Logan
A killer action flick and a superhero film that digs into the gorier, less marketable side of the genre. A simple story but a powerful and memorable film.

Wonder Woman
With how bad the other DC movies have been lately, this was a breath of fresh air. Really well-written, well-directed and well-acted.

Mudbound
A powerful, classic-Hollywood-style epic about race in the 1940s. This had some slightly Hollywoodish moments as it built to the climax, but the real meat of this movie is the sheer day to day minutiae of the weighted relations of white and black people back then. If this doesn't make you angry, you're not paying attention. A sweeping and powerful film.

Gerald's Game
The best Mike Flanagan film since Absentia, this adaptation of a challenging Stephen King novel succeeds on how suspenseful and atmospheric it is. It's a hypnotic and daring horror movie and one of the best of the year for the genre.

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The Disappointments and Worst Movies of 2017

Well, it's that time of year again - when we pass the Godlike judgment on the movies of last year, as if random bloggers' opinions somehow mean everything. But really, none of this truly means anything - it's just the opinions I had all year, and hopefully you'll glean some cathartic entertainment out of this list, if nothing else.

First up is disappointments. There were just a couple of movies this year that I wanted to be good but they didn't live up to what I'd hoped.

DISAPPOINTMENTS

Thor: Ragnarok

This wasn't bad, and when it focused on the lead characters bantering and riffing off one another, it was quite fun – director Taika Waititi is good at that sort of thing. But it also had a super generic villain and serious side of the plot. This shit was like someone thought we'd never heard of Hamlet or something. Sorry – I need more than that.

Blade Runner 2049

I really wanted to love this, as Denis Villenueve is my favorite modern director and I've only recently fully “gotten” the original Blade Runner. But this was a lot of gorgeous visuals in service to a boring story that didn't really expand upon anything the original did – 30 years and all we got was a slightly scrambled rehash of themes from that movie. A dull performance by Ryan Gosling doesn't help.

And now the worst of the year - holy shit, there are way more than usual. What a year. Let's not waste any time and just get into this right now!

MY WORST MOVIES OF 2017

9. A Cure for Wellness

A truly ridiculous movie that, in spite of its exciting scenes, is entertaining mostly for how dumb it is and how unbelievable every choice the characters make. It goes on too long and just gets worse as it does so. You'll be tearing out your hair at why the main characters don't just leave this insane asylum – because, of course, there wouldn't be a movie otherwise. The ending twist was probably the worst, but the whole thing is a ghoulish slice of over-done cheese.

8. Mother!

I felt odd about putting this very artsy film from director Darren Aronofsky on a list with some of the rest of this – unlike some of these, this had a clear ambition and was trying to accomplish things. But for me this just didn't work. It treated its characters as chess pieces in service to an allegory, and there just wasn't any real humanity in this, no true complexity. After its two hour runtime was done I felt like I had just been preached to rather than entertained.

7. The Bye Bye Man

A basically objectively awful horror film, hitting every box of cliché and bad writing you'd expect. Like a mutant spawn of every piece of trash I ever reviewed. So bad it's almost funny but is then just bad again.

6. Split

People praised this M. Night Shyamalan vehicle for not being as bad as some other Shyamalan travesties in recent years, but rest assured I am here to tell you he's still a complete fucking hack.

5. Free Fire

Like last year's Hardcore Henry, this was a completely vapid and soul-sucking movie that asked the question 'what if we removed all plot from an action movie and just gave you the shooting scenes?' The answer is that you get an unwatchable movie.

4. Downsizing

I reviewed this a few weeks ago, so go check that out – but this was an infuriatingly pretentious, directionless mess, and director Alexander Payne seems to have completely stepped out of his comfort zone... too far, even. To the point where he's risking being eaten by wolves out there. He should come back to his comfort zone.

3. Pirates of the Caribbean 5: Dead Men Tell No Tales

This was a completely soulless Product™ of a movie, and every choice just seemed to be made to pander to the dumbest levels of the audience. There was nothing about this that was funny or exciting in any way. Johnny Depp is superbly annoying.

2. Justice League

Another movie that exists purely as soulless corporate Product™. Basically Zack Snyder playing with action figures again. An enervated, generic plot and bad characters make this a true slog to get through, and even the action gets boring. Pretty much every single thing about this was mediocre and all of them combined make the movie horrible.

1. Alien Covenant

This just sucks hard. A superbly dumb plot that manages to both rip off the original and be stupid in its own way, which is pretty amazing... this is the worst movie of the year simply because it had nothing redeeming about it, and every single choice made contributed to its horrendous, hacky quality. This is just the pits and I hate it. So it is the worst of this year for me.

Well, that's the 'worst' out of the way - and now we can move on to the best movies of the year, as it's usually better to end on a good note, after all...

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We Need To Talk About Kevin (2011)

Right from the title, this is suspect. That's a seriously unwieldy, awkward title – not sure there'll be any T-shirts of that one. And there also won't be any T-shirts because nobody would ever want to touch such an appalling film. We Need To Talk About Kevin is a miserable film and I am here to tell you why.

Director: Lynne Ramsay

Starring: Tilda Swinton, Ezra Miller

IMDb

I guess this is one of those 'evil kid' movies that was for some reason popular through the years – like the Omen, the Good Son, and so on. Only this time he gets to grow up and we see that it's 100% what you'd expect, a violent sociopath that makes American Psycho look like a well adjusted individual. Who needs surprises in a movie anyway, right?

The movie is done in a jumbled fashion where scenes are shown out of order, for no real discernible reason. I guess they wanted to create some kind of tension or mystery, but the effect this creates is just a simulation of walking into a meeting halfway through and missing all context. For like the first 20 minutes, I was just scratching my head – it was too difficult to tell what the actual story was. There are a few scenes of Tilda Swinton's main character Eva being bombarded with red paint on her house and screamed threats that she's a murderer, a few scenes of her and John C. Reilly as the husband playing with small children and some others of Eva in some other country doing activist work. None of it is put together well. It's like if a small child holding a jigsaw puzzle sneezed and dropped all the pieces everywhere, and then we just made that into a movie to placate him.

I guess eventually we start to see the real story – Eva's son Kevin is, shock and awe, a weird, bad kid! He does wacky shit like mess up Eva's paintings and cry all the time when she's holding him. Wow. What a truly horrible thing and you deserve sympathy more than other people. Though there's at least one scene where she's holding him as a baby and says, with real malice, that she was happy before Kevin was born and now just wants to cry all the time I guess. Gee, real surprise he didn't turn out well... we never return to this again, but honestly, I'd love to see a smarter movie actually tackle bad parenting like that. Too bad this one isn't it.

The movie isn't a fan of brevity or getting to the point, as we cycle through endless vague time-hopping scenes, like a drunk Dr. Who episode, switching from a miserable and enervated looking Eva trying to keep afoot when everyone hates her, to Eva with her family and kids in the past. There are a lot of just boring as fuck scenes of Eva in some office building that finally hires her. And there's one set at Halloween when an army of awful children pound on the windows screaming for candy – Jesus. Where do kids act like this? I want to know so I can recommend we quarantine that hellish place for all of time.

When it isn't showing those pointless scenes, you get downright awful and miserable scenes of Eva trying to relate to her hopelessly sociopathic son. I love the one scene where she's telling him he can decorate his own room to show his personality, and he goes “what personality?” The kid's delivery is just so hammy and the line itself is such dogshit that I'm tempted to say the kid could've done better if he wrote his own dialogue.

There's also a scene where Eva is teaching him to count and, to prove he can, counts from one to 50 in a very obnoxious manner, and then shits his pants. I guess the pants-shitting was meant to rebel against his mother. Truly this kid is the next incarnate of punk rock. Then he farts as he's walking away and she throws him against a wall, breaking his arm. More of those amazing parenting skills! I'm amazed this woman could ever create a child who wasn't well adjusted!

Honestly, I get it – the kid is “just evil.” It isn't the mother's fault because this is a stupid movie that doesn't care about actually saying anything. This is just agonizing, dull scene after agonizing, dull scene of the kid tormenting her and, after she breaks his arm, basically blackmailing her. There's a scene where he makes her go home instead of getting something she needs at the store because of that. Wow, what a riveting scene if you're 89 years old and in a coma. A real nail-biter.

It isn't any better when they grow up and there's a second kid born – if anything, it gets worse when Kevin is a teenager because now he is as pretentious as your average dude-bro atheist philosophy “expert,” only also a psycho fuck. There's a scene where he jerks off in front of his mom, if you were wondering if there was. I know you were. And there's one where he gives her computer a virus. All of these scenes are as bad as any bad movies you ever saw. There's no redeeming value.

I especially love the scene where Eva takes Kevin out for a day for them to just talk, because it's everything bad about the movie – there's one part where they're at some outside eatery and Eva totally randomly says she hates fat people because they're just fat due to eating too much and are unhealthy for that reason. It's totally out of nowhere. Like a scriptwriter just had a bunch of hateful shit he wanted to get off his chest.

Then, at another restaurant later, Kevin shows off those college atheist philosophy reading skills again and pompously “predicts” what his mother is going to do – scold him for fucking girls and then cry because she drank too much wine. It's a carnival of dog shit writing, just terrible garbage spewing everywhere like a malfunctioning sewer. But then, that IS the movie.

Perhaps the crowning moment of awful parenting goes to John C. Reilly as the dad. After an entire movie where he has done nothing except scoff at Eva and say she's dumb for thinking Kevin is bad, he gives Kevin a fucking bow and arrow for Christmas. I can see liking his son – but for Reilly to see that dead-eyed piece of shit he fathered no doubt under the influence of alcohol, and give him a fucking weapon – that's insane to me and the biggest plothole in the film. This kid was never even close to sympathetic, even when Eva broke his arm earlier. He's been shown to be a one-dimensional evil psycho from the beginning. There's no nuance here and it's just crazy that his dad is so blind to this.

It's no surprise that the whole thing ends in a school shooting? He takes a bow and arrow to school like the only angry fucker in America to not have money to buy a gun. He isn't even the real deal – how many of these guys get their sole weapon from their fathers? I think this kid is weak as hell.

I'm making a lot of jokes here, but hey, the movie isn't taking this issue even remotely seriously. What's the message here? A bad kid will turn out bad if you parent him in a terrible way, I guess, and even that's a stretch to say there's any message at all. There's no real exploration of why he turned out that way or what we can do about it – all the movie wants to do is show shocking things for no reason. So fuck that.

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